ughha

So…okay. I have a series of issues, and maybe if I lay them out on the line (or the paper as the case may be) I will be able to work my way out of the funk that is my emotiions.

I know I don’t love him
I know I enjoy his company
I know he fits my magic list (which covers sooo much)
I know he is honest
I know he turns me on.

What’s the problem? I feel like I am in an odd state of limbo, that what I am feeling is…gossamer thin, like paper. Like I am in some dream-world, where nothing is solid enough to stand up to any kind of pressure. But…I don’t know why. I’m not scared anymore, because I feel like I can trust him. Maybe it’s a bleed-over of the ‘I want someone but I don’t’ emotions. Now that I have somebody, I don’t know if I want him. It’s really not helped by the fact that he works weird ass hours and so we don’t really see each other much. *sighs* I have no problem NOT expressing what I am feeling, but I have issues expressing what I AM feeling. Maybe because they are so chaotic, and I am a person who prefers life to be orderly. What can I tell him? What can I say? I *laughs* want to sit him down and do the ‘we need to talk’ thing, but as I don’t know what the hell I want to talk about, that would be a summary waste of time. Ugh. I don’t want much, just a chance for peace.

Long break. I have finally broken down and decided to differentiate the entries of mine that have poetry in them, so that when I am looking for a poem that I KNOW is in here, it will be easier for me to find. *shrugs* I have some really good stuff in here too. :) I think that I might take the laptop home with me this weekend, and start to transcribe some of my work. The only problem is this danggone thing doesn’t have a floppy drive, so I don’t know what I will do. I will have to stick it in somebody’s dock while they are not here and download it all.

Ummm I am going to a poetry reading tomorrow night. :) I think I might drag Chef along with me…if he wants to come of course. We like so much of the same things that I figured he HAS to like poetry right? Um…maybe I will try it out on him later….


*sighs* I am reading my diary from ages ago (or at least that is how it feels). I am amazing.


Stay Jazzed.