On the WarPath

I have to let go of this angry rage I have towards JEH. He is starting to creep into my dreams, and that is never a good thing. Before about two weeks ago, the only person that I dreamed about with such a white hot rage was my step-father, and I don’t really like having him trip through my subconscious either, but I don’t think I can get rid of him now. JEH however, is a different story.

The dreams always start off peaceful, with me in some relatively idyllic setting, interacting with others. Then the focus of my rage enters, and I can’t ignore him, but I am not fully aware of him either. Then, at some point there is a shift, and something happens that makes me white hot with rage. Not a normal kind of anger either, but a killing, tearing, ripping, destructive anger. It is a kind of anger that scares me, because it is a totally uncontrolled reaction to something that even in the dream world is minor. I rarely have dreams that I can feel the emotions I am experiencing so clearly after I wake up, but with all of these rage dreams I wake up angry. I wake up angry, with my heart racing and the need to GET UP and out of bed right away, rather than linger in bed and take the risk of falling back into the dream again. The dream tends to color my whole day, making me…a little antsy, and very very quiet.

I knew why the anger was there towards my stepfather, who hasn’t danced across my mind for at least a year or two now, which perhaps means I have moved on. As for JEH, the anger is because I feel betrayed. Not because of the abortion, because that was totally my choice, and I cannot ever say that it was his ‘fault’ or he made me do it. I went through it willingly, and…though I have no regrets, I do wonder what might have been. It is rare that one gets to see so clearly the forks along life’s path that can totally change your life.

So that isn’t the reason…it is more the fact that he…abandoned me I suppose? That I trusted him with so much, and there was no kindness, no sympathy, and not even a pretense of being concerned about me. *laughs* I expect that from strangers and fuck buddies, but not friends. And though I have faced that fact, and have cast him out of my life, I still have a rage towards him… a desire to inflict pain and get revenge. To fuck with & fuck up his life in a way that he will never forget. I want to beat the living shit out of him every day, and have him healed so that I can repeat the task without him dying. I don’t want him dead, I want him hopeless. I want him to hate his life and not be able to do anything about it. I want him to be stuck in an emotional dead-end, in a morass and conflicting emotions and hopelessness that will never let him go. I want to be like Celie from the Color Purple “Til’ you do right by me, everything you even THINK about is gonna crumble”, but without the time restriction. I want his goals to be just within his reach, and then to be snatched away, I want the love of his life to form a sex triangle with his sister and his best friend, I want his mother to disown him and his friends to cast him aside.

Bitter? Not really, I just want an access to the rage that I can only seem to access within my dreams to come to fruition in real life. I want to be able to be in touch with my emotions out here as much as I am in there. I can’t even IMAGINE feeling that kind of rage in a waking state. I think it might warp me permanently, rather than just coloring my thoughts for the rest of the day with whips and chains and blood. Issues? possibly…but perhaps this is part of healing. Since I went through it with my stepfather, until I moved past him, perhaps I have to just work through my rage in the dark of night, so that I can try to keep my inner peace during the light of day.

All I know for now though, is that I want to rip and shred and fight and scream and rage and destroy and act like an incarnation of Kali Ma and show him what pain truly is. For my own sanity though, I think I will just write it out instead.

Stay Jazzed.