9/19/00

I am worried about one of my freimly. He has been getting sick a lot lately, and he thinks he might have HIV. *sighs*

He has been tested twice, but conveniently avoids going to get the results. I understand his fear of getting the results, and I am scared for him. I have enough gay friends that I expect AIDS to touch me and mine at some point, but because they are all so young, I hoped that the whole AIDS terror had sunk in far enough that there was no way one of them would get caught. I have never known anyone personally who had HIV/AIDS (at least that I know of) and the thought of BabyBoy having it…scares me.

It scares me because I don’t know what I would do…I don’t know what I would say. I don’t even know what I COULD do for him…and if I am feeling this way, how is HE feeling? I can’t bear to utter the mealy platitudes of soothing concern to him…this ain’t the clap we are talking about here…this is AIDS.

*sighs* And…we aren’t even going to start talking about the amount of love lost between him and his family (parents). I feel so selfish for repeatedly talking about ME me me….but I can’t even presume to talk about him. Mercy…just the thought of it makes me want to cry.

It is an unavoidable thing, the kind of force that bears down on you and changes your life from that moment on. And considering that I only get to see him (usually) once or twice a year…this is really shaking me up. I wish I could be there for him…(as if he doesn’t have plenty of friends and support there) but still…selfishly, for the ease of my own heart, I want to be there to hold his hand (either way) to give him a hug…to soothe his fears.

And if he is sick, *sighs* I want to be there so that he won’t have to fear losing another friend…so that he has another person to lean on, to talk to, to cry on & with. *sighs* It’s amazing how I never feel the need to pray for myself, but am always willing and feel the urge to pray for others.

stay jazzed