Flying Around

I had a dream last night. It was interesting because I don’t remember ever having a death dream before, and it was odd because it was so calm. The scene was I had an argument or something with someone, and I was running away from them. I ran to the edge of a cliff, and there was a group of five or six people at the bottom of the cliff, which was basically a big ledge that over-hung the sea. I stopped running for a second at the top of my cliff, and then I flung myself off. The last thing I remember thinking was ‘ah…this is what it feels like to fly’ then I hit the ground.

There was no pain, just a sudden blacking out. Then I was ‘aware’ again, but in a different body…a few feet away. There was a huge puddle of blood under me, that trailed off to one side of me. Right along that trail, there was a small perfectly ovally smooth stone that sat in the blood. The other me picked it up, and took the pebble to my body. It was the strangest thing, because as I was walking back towards my body, I clearly saw myself lying there, neck twisted almost backwards, body humped up like I had curled into a ball before I hit the ground. *shakes head* The amazing part was the first thing I thought as I saw my body was ‘God…I am so fat!” *shakes head* Then I put the bloody pebble down next to my body….and the rest of the dream kind of fades away.

*shivers* It was quite…odd. I can still see so clearly my body laid out over the grass, my braids laying so that they covered my face, and me just laying so very very still. Hm. I just wanted to record that…just in case it matters for something. Interpretations anyone??

Hm. In other news…Chef & me had an amazing long conversation last night, with me tip-toeing around almost everything that I am thinking/feeling, as I am so skilled at doing. I wrote earlier about my need…the need that I have to be loved, to have some security and stability in my life. Because of that need, I can feel myself grasping at him like he is a life preserver, and I don’t want to use him like that…because once the need is gone, where will the connection to him be. But at the same time, I wonder if hidden under the glow of the need, there is a true attraction to him. I mean…it’s scary. But as I told him last night, there is something missing from how I feel about him.

I know I don’t love him…but I do care for him. There is no real mystery there…I feel like I know him even though I don’t really…*sighs* I don’t know. I am in a state of limbo, where I refuse to let my heart out to play unless I KNOW that the play time won’t end. But I won’t KNOW that the playtime won’t end until I actually START playing. Catch-22, anyone? * softly chants the Litany Against Fear * So what shall I do? *grins* If anything, I know that I am infatuated with the man…he occupies a good deal of my free time. But it isn’t the same feeling that I had with Papi, or with JEH, or with any of my previous love-interests. There is a platonically sexual vibe going on that is confusing the fuck outta me.

I can’t figure out if I want him for a brother or a lover. And the fact that he is the safest straight man I have ever met isn’t helping either. He is sexually aggressive enough to be straight, but he has learned the art of the kind caress simply for the sake of touch NOT to be. *laughs* I tease him on a regular because he lived in San Francisco for almost 3 years while he was in school… hmm… maybe some things DO rub off huh?

Ugh. I feel totally better emotionally, but that is most likely because of the amazing sugar rush that is flooding my body. I broke down last night and ate some chips & some popcorn. I am starting to scare myself, because I truly toyed with the idea of throwing it all back up. *sighs* I have been exercising half-heartedly, but the food thing is really starting to get to me. *sighs* And I was just boasting about the control I have over my body to someone. *snorts* Every setback just lets me know even more how important it is that I beat this monkey. I have GOT to get over this food thing. I know I am an emotional eater, and I am a hopeless snacker. I have to do better…I have been considering joining one of the OD weight loss journals, but somehow I don’t think Atkins would be taken very well there. If I could just get myself into induction I would be fine. *sucks teeth* Umph.

I have hair issues…larger and larger ones. My braids have about two good weeks left, and that might be stretching it a bit. I am going to trim it this weekend, but I want to figure out a way to get it curled and KEEP it curled. The agony I went through two (or was that one? ) week ago wasn’t worth the 1 ½ days worth of half-assed curls I had. And nothing looks yeecher than a chopped off head of perfectly straight hair. Hm. I will have to think on this one for a bit. OR maybe I will just take it out this weekend. Hm. That’s a thought. If I go and get some more Pantene, I should be able to take it out over the weekend. *thinks* hmm… and if I do that, I will have to color it again too…hmmmmm. Yeah. I think I will. It will give me something to do this weekend. :)

*nods* Yes… I will. I need to see how much of my hair has grown back out dark already. Maybe I will re-dye the whole mess ebony black again. *sighs* *grins* I just realized that I miss my hair. It’s a damn shame, I have only had these braids for a little over a month now. Ah well… I guess this is just another sign that it is time to get back to the real me. I hope it is kinda warm outside this weekend. That way I can sit on the balcony and do this and hopefully avoid getting hair all into my carpet. :) Yeah. This is gonna feel gggggooooooddddd.


Stay Jazzed.