Talking for no purpose

Ugh. Doom death and destruction. Is that what I am expecting? No…that is just the ughhy feeling that I have. It’s no particular reason… I just feel… slow. I would TRY to get used to not doing anything…but dear god knows I don’t want to do that. I know I have gotten shuffled off to the little cubbyhole…and I feel totally disconnected from the rest of the world. *siiiggghhh*

My Labor Day weekend was distinguished by a distinct lack of labor on my part. In fact, I think I did more anti-labor than anything. I went out and rearranged some money (turned bras into outfits) and stuffed my face. *sighs* I tried to put together a budget, but until I know exactly how much money I am going to be getting a month, that is a dangerous proposal. And then, to add insult to injury, it got COLD. I’m talking about where is the coat, gloves, and boots, is that snow I see, kinda cold. *shudders* This place takes the change of seasons wayyy to literally. And I’m bored. *sighs*

loneliness
is no excuse
to use others to fill
the aching hole
that lingers
behind my heart
need
is no good defense
against random attacks
of empty desire that bubble
through my brain
the awareness that I don’t have
what I want
is no reason
to try to fill that wanting
with someone I don’t need.


I’m not going to repeat any of my old mistakes. Getting sucked into a relationship that I am not ready for is the last thing I need. *sighs* I don’t know… so much is new…I’m babbling.

I am in a total state of contradiction. I want to be in a relationship, I want to be looking forward to spending the rest of my life with someone, and at the same time I am forcing myself to wait for the RIGHT someone. Maybe it’s not that much of a contradiction…just a bit of a mind twist. It’s actually kinda…creepy. I’m looking forward to getting engaged, getting married… having a partner for LIFE. *sighs* I’m amazed by how much I have changed…I wasn’t a wild child for very long.
After blabbing on… I starting surfing through diaries ( yes I AM still at work) and found this color test. These are my results. Scary Scary.

Your Existing Situation
Insecure. Seeks roots, stability, emotional security, and an environment providing greater ease and fewer problems.
This is so true… I feel like I am drifting emotionally, and I want someone to be..not my anchor, but a drifter with me

Your Stress Sources
The tenacity and strength of will necessary to contend with existing difficulties has become weakened. Feels overtaxed, worn out, and getting nowhere, but continues to stand her ground. She feels this adverse situation as an actual tangible pressure which is intolerable to her and from which she wants to escape, but she feels unable to make the necessary decision.
Hmm… this one I am not too sure about. I’m really not stressed right now. Bored.. yes. Nervous…yes. But stressed?? nahhh not really. I am in a situation (not doing any work) that I itch to get out of, but I don’t even know WHAT the right decision to make is

Your Restrained Characteristics
Willing to participate and to allow herself to become involved, but tries to fend off conflict and disturbance in order to reduce tension. Circumstances are restrictive and hampering, forcing her to forgo all joys and pleasures for the time being. Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. Able to obtain physical satisfaction from sexual activity but tends to hold aloof emotionally.
*laughs* Oh this one is SO on point. I enjoy joining in, and having fun…but I will flee at the least sign of drama. The circumstances are I’m broke… :) which most certainly means I am forgoing some pleasures for now. Hm. I can’t say I am quick to take offense, but my feelings do get hurt easily, and it is because I tend to think that everybody is thinking on ME…. when really they aren’t. And the last thing….*shrugs* what can I say…One of my main things was that I am not going to settle for just the physical anymore. I want alll my goodies, dangit!

Your Desired Objective
Desires a tranquil, peaceful state of harmony offering quiet contentment and a sense of belonging Sand, sun & water anyone?? With my lovely husband by my side….really…

Your Actual Problem
Tensions and stresses induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities or reserves of strength have led to considerable anxiety, and a sense of personal (but admitted) inadequacy. She seeks to escape into a more peaceful and problem-free situation, in which she will no longer have to assert herself or contend with so much pressure.
Hmmm Okay…yeah… I feel a little out of my depths…but hey.. these matters of the heart I tend to know very little about. I suppose actually FINDING somebody to keep for life would nicely end all of my current romantic issues. Right?


Hey!! All I want is to be able to live a peaceful life.

Stay Jazzed