Is the Ant Jealous of the Grasshopper?

*sighs* I think I may have figured out what I want out of life. I want permanence. I want some stability. I want to know that spring death & disaster, some things will be steady as the sun rising in the morning. I want love. I want a sense of fulfillment and peace that will pervade everything that I do. I want to be loved by someone for the rest of my life, and be able to love them for even longer. I want to be able to go to a job I enjoy and that stimulates me, and return to a home that is mine and is filled with love. I want to be able to afford what I need, and be able to splurge on what I want.

I don’t think that I am asking for too much, and I think that what I am asking for, I can achieve. At least the parts that deal solely with me. I can handle that. I can build a palace of peace for myself. I can achieve some fulfillment in what I do. I can find or create a job that I enjoy & am stimulated by. I can develop what I need to be able to spend what I need to spend where & when I need to spend it.

It’s the love part that has me worried. I can’t force myself to love someone, and I can’t force someone to love me. All I can do is build a person that I can love in myself, and love myself, and hope & pray that the person who I can love with the permanence of the rising and setting sun comes into my life. And I can keep myself open to the chance of them coming through my life maybe more than once, maybe only once, and I have to be ready to grab at that chance…without being too ready to grab at any chance.

*sighs* I am waaaayyyy too young to hear my biological ‘clock’ ticking, but I feel like it is…or maybe a clock closely related to it. I have said that I want to have at least one child before I am thirty, and I want to be able to spend at least three years alone with my husband before that happens. Clearly, that means I need to be married by the time I am 27.

However, I want to know the person I am going to marry for at least 2 years before we get engaged, and I am giving room for a year long engagement. Can anybody say 24? *sighs* I am 23, and don’t have even the faintest glimmer of a husband on the horizon. *laughs* And to add insult to injury, I don’t WANT to find that husband type anytime soon, because I am enjoying just meeting and grooving with people. The next man I have sex with, I want to be able to consider him for husband material.

Mercy KNOWS that the next man I fall in love with I want to be able to consider husband material. So where does that leave me? In a spot where heart battles against heart, and head fights to stick to the plan, and somewhere in the background I am wondering if it is all just a waste of time and I should be saving up for a good sperm donor instead. And to add an even more painful twist to this, I don’t have any girly’s to talk to. The lovely ladies that I do call my friends are so busy & wrapped up in their own lives and loves and jobs and goals, that to take time from their endeavours to spout the confused nonsense that is tap-dancing its way across my heart on a daily basis seems vaguely insulting.

So I’m not sure if what I am feeling is normal, and if it is…what the hell everyone else is doing about it. I haven’t leapt over that wild & free stage, because I am neck deep in it right now. I am just being a little ant, making plans for the cool of my latter years while the sun of my youth is still blazing bright. Madness? maybe… a waste of cycle time? Perhaps…but it is something that lurks in the back of my head like sore tooth I can’t help but to prod.

*sighs* Sometimes I wish I could act like a grasshopper, and spring through life unconcerned about what tomorrow will bring. *sighs*

Stay Jazzed