Happy Honeymoon!

Hmmmm.....I'll hit the high points.

As I'm on my period, the normal honeymoon hijinks has not yet started. Dammit. I want hijinks too.
The weather is a little colder than we expected - and driving in In. in the winter - sucks. What should have been a 3 hour drive to the border of In/Ky took 8 hours. EIGHT FREAKING HOURS just to get out of Indiana. Oh. My. God.
The condo is FREAKING gogeoue! Utterly, and totally. I could live here forever - we have a stunning view of the ocean, and a HUGE king size bed.
Oh yes, merriement will be found here as well. We have already RSVP'd for a NYE party (speaking of which, I need to write about me & C's first trip to the swing club) and we are trying to hook up with a Chicana woman who lives here. Yum.

What else? Ah - clearly, I have an internet connection, and it's not too slow. So - that's fun. I get disconnected really easily though.

Oh well - I need to check my email.

Ciao!

Early Morning

Ahh....it's a wonderful thing.  C is peacefulyl sleeping, and I'm finishing up the last of the preparations for our trip. It's snowed SOOOOOOObadly - I can't wait to get out of here.
I'm soooo excited. *bounces*

I'm going to try to stay awake for at least until the sun comes up, then C is on his own. Heh.

I'm taking the computer with me, but I'm not sure if the room has a connection - we shall see - I certainly hope so.

Blah! I'm brain dead - and I want another lemon cookie.

We're going to takea crapload of pictures, I know that much. Ohhh! :) I can't wait.

*waves* more later.

 

status update

Still very light - scarily so. I emptied it out since last time (yesterdat at work, with the thick gunk) and it was barely 1/3 full - and this time had a lot of white gunk like I usualy get at the end of my period.

If this is really it, it's the lightest period I've seen in a while, and it's starting to creep me out just a little bit. I played the lottery today - maybe I won't have anythint to worry about.

 

*laugh*

What shall be, shall be.

Things that I'm grateful for

My husband
My cats
Our Home
My mother
Greek Food
Love
Sunshine
Cloves
Sight
Having a job at all in this crappy ass economy
Knowing myself

blllehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......................I'm still malingering.

conflicting.

I know that money can't make you happy - but lately it seems like all of my UNhappiness is directly due to a low level of the aforementioned green stuff.
The restaurant (no surprise here) is trying to screw C out of a week and a half of pay. *lays head on desk* and it's so fucking frustrating that we even have to care.
And it's not that I feel like we shouldn't HAVE to worry about money - I mean - that's just a part of life for 90% of us, right? It's just that - I'm soo tired of it. I really wish I didn't have to care.
And then I'm just so farking emotional ANYHOW - this has been a very rough PMS period.
And I really want our spur of the moment honeymoon to go well, and we were really relying on this last check of his to be sure that everything was covered, and the thing that makes it even worse is that if Da fucks this up - it isn't like I/we can even DO anything. It sucks. and it's tiring.

And really - I don't want/need to be rich. I just - *sigh* I just want to live the life that I want.....and we're too unstable and too broke to do it.
Unless of course, we do the whole dropping out and claiming bankruptcy thing - which wouldn't help in the long term.

I'm going to be 28 in 3 weeks, and - I"m not nearly where I wanted to be now, and I look back to see what I could have done different - and in truth, I don't think I would have done ANYTHING different - because doing anything different too early would have made me miss out on C - and without him, I wouldn't be here anyway.

*sigh*
*sigh*
I should have a hunkof cheese on my desk to go with this whine - cuz I KNOW I'm whining, and I know that I've got no room to whine, but I'm so damn dissapointed over this whole thing in ways that I'm so tired and sad about mulling over that - it's just sad.

I'm such a brat. Maybe that's just it - what I'm reaching for -what I want - is something that I'm simply not going to have - and I'm utterly terrified by the thought that I might have to switch my whole dream of what I ultimately want out of my life around simply because we can't afford it. Just the thought of it makes me want to cry. And as I get older, and it seems to be more and more likely that hey -we're not going to become independantly wealthy anytime soon, and we've only got a one in a million chance of wininng the lottery, and we've got too much debt to pay it off on my check (within the next couple of years or so) and his carrer is so fucking unstable and isn't likely to change anytime soon and I'm scared that I'm traveling down my mothers path but he's so much better and I know that isn't true....*deep breath* and it all swirls around in my head and I finally settle and realize that maybe I've been deluding myself all along in thinking that I wouldn't have to take the path that almost every other woman of my generation (and half the women of my mothers generation) had to take. We can't afford for me not to work. And using the past as a predictor of the future - we won't be able to afford me not working for a while.
And even if C did find a job, and it looked like we would beableto afford me not working - how can I trust that he won't just be summarily dismissed like he was this time?

yes, I worry too much - but this is what I've wanted to do my whole life - hell, since I was 13.  I've known that all I really want is to be a mother - a fully involved, cookie baking, breadstfeeding, fertile and loving as fuck, STAY AT HOME, mother.  That's been my dream for so long - and everything I've done since graduating has been in effort to get there - and here I am - 6 years later - and further away from being able to do that than I was then. And I'm terrified that if we wait too much longer, we are going to need help to have kids,andshit - we canbarely afford one the regular way - any issues would basically mean that we won't have kids of our own and - *deepbreath* that would really suck.

And I feel so fucking ungrateful for even VOICING this - I've got a roof over my head, a car to drive in, shoes on my feet, a lovely job - and I'm still miserable that I can't get what I really want.

And I haven't been able to tell C this, because - good lord, what's better than unfairly losing your job, besides your wife crying all over you because her hopes of you being able to support her (if need be) have gone up in smoke (again?).
And I try to be nice when he talks about the future, and all these wonderful, wonderful plans he has, and I try so hard to be supportive, but deep in my heart all I can see is a future where he gets to stay home and I have to work - because one of us has to watch the kids since we can't afford daycare - and what he could make wouldn't be enough to cover daycare - and i've already got the stable job. And once again - here I am whining about something that isn't even a problem for me yet and is a problem for plenty of other people who are dealing with it...and I'm still quite selfishly miserable.

*shrugs*

And I think what makes me so bloody sad about it - is I HONESTLY don't know what to do to change it. Okay - that's not quite true. I know what I need to do to change it - but guess what? I don't even have the capital to launch what might save us - save my dream.

*thumps head on desk*

I just want to go home, and go to sleep. That's all.

Status Update

Still not really sure if I should have counted yesterday as the start - I haven't emptied the keeper yet, and it doesn't even feel CLOSE to full - so maybe I haven't actually started? But starting yesterday would put my previous months start at the 15th-17th, so - yeah, that might be about right. I figure I'll dump it when I get home tonight, and if it isn't ALMOST full (or has that brownish ick in it)then - hmmm......well, I doubt that's the case.

*sigh* I really need to stop smoking crack, and accept the fact that no, I'm not pregnant, and no, it's not going to happen while I have the IUD in, and yes, that means that We are going to have to make a consious choice to do this, and considering I'm utterly terrified yet incredibly desirous that.... dammit - want to talk about conflicting emotions?

*sigh*

I need to play powerball.

Winding Down

One major thing that I love, love, love about working for this company is that they have their end of the year shutdown. I'm not sure if this is standard amoung most MFG companies (esp since they include us corporate drones in it) but damn - it so rocks.  From Christmas Eve, until the first Monday of the New Year - we're off. Mandatory, practically.  And it's WONDERFUL. So - I'm going to behere today, and I'm going to be here for most of tomorrow (note the MOST in there) and then - I'm done! Done! Done!

And I'll be off to a whirlwind of a honeymoon - I've been checking the weather, and it's supposed to get up to 74! SEVENTY-FOUR! In DECEMBER! *drools*  I'm so excited I could spit. Haven't packed,but at least all of our clothes are clean after the domesticity spurt that we went through Sunday. I need to put a hold on our mail - andI've already got the dried catfood for the creatures while we're gone. Hmm.... I'm worried about my work plant though - I need to figure out a way to keep it watered for the next two weeks.

Hmm.....what else? I'm getting my mind in gear to start losing weight again. I've CERTAINLY packed the pounds back on as I noticed when I tiptoed onto the scale last week. EEK! So. Yes. Must start acting like I'm interested again.  Hm.... my goal - at least until the end of the year - is to just note down everything that I eat - get an idea of my average intake.  After the new year, I'm cutting out everything except water, diet soda, and alcohol. Heh. After February, I'm going BACK on Induction (eeewwww) and starting on Atkins again. The only reason I'm waiting til Feb is because I'm going to be in GVA for a month, and shhhheeee - not even trying. Nope, nope. So- I've started a new chapter - I just forget shit so easily.

.

.

.

Okay - I'm empty now.

Day One of Cycle

Started today - though I think that I wouldn't usually count this as a start - I've got bright red blood though, so I popped in the keeper, and I'm calling this day 1.

oohh...this might be bad

I've been having a bit of a rough time transitioning to having C home alllll the time. I love him dearly, and love being with/around him - but him being home means that I have no alone time.

I get up - take a shower, drive to work - ten minutes of just me - but it's not soo good, cuz I've just woke up. I work all day with people - interacting and so forth - then drive home - another 10 minutes of blessed aloneness. And that's IT.

And I realized today - as I was outside for a fresh air break - that the reason it drives me SO batty is that I have a hard time thinking - at least semideep me to me thinking - when I'm NOT alone. And that thinking - it keeps me - calm and connected.

But! What happens when we have kids? Alone time, from what I've gathered from other parents - is just GONE, except for when the other parent takes the children away for a while. Will I be able to think with a baby around? Or a toddler? Eep! And if I can't think - good lord, I WILL go crazy.

But - my beloved hubby is here to take me to lunch - so more later.

 

Status Updates

Gastric distress (burps, farts, and really nasty smelling poo) along with emotional sensativity (I feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat - or less) indicate to me that I'm within a day or three of Day 1 of my cycle.

*sigh* talk about stress.

shush, I'm bored.

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before? Sadly enough, it took me a little while to think of something - DUH! I got married! 


2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Did I make a New Years Resolution? I doubt it - andI might make some this year, but I doubt it. 


3.  Did anyone close to you give birth? One of my coworkers wives did - if that counts.


4. Did anyone close to you die? Nope


5. What countries did you visit? Switzerland, France (I HATE Charles DeGaulle), and Germany


6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004? Shit - extra money? 


7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? March 28th - when I finally lost my damn mind.


8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Not killing (or divorcing) my husband!


9. What was your biggest failure? Starting to smoke - or was that last year?


10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Are you asking if I got sick? Several times - but nothing TOO major.


11. What was the best thing you bought? The timeshare for our honeymoon (really it's the only thing of signifigance I can remember buying - how sad, eh?)


12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Mine - I rocked in SO many different ways.


13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? The voting public of america.


14. Where did most of your money go? Bills, bills, bills.


15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Gah -life!


16. 16. What song will always remind you of 2004? 'Hey Ya!'


17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
    
    
    
    • Happier or sadder: happier.
    
    
    • Older or wiser: both.
    
    
    • Thinner or fatter: about the same I think, depressingly (or excitingly) enough.
    
    
    • Richer or poorer: Um...I feel poorer, but I think my net worth is a little LESS negative.
    
    
    
    


18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Exercising, writing, laughing.


19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Eating, drinking, smoking.


20. How will you be spending Christmas? On my long awaited, last minute, honeymoon.


21. How will you be spending New Years Eve? Hopefully still on my long awaited, last minute, honeymoon.


22. Did you fall in love in 2004? In and out and back in again. 


23. How many one-night stands? Heh. None.


24. What was your favorite TV program? Hmm...I think CSI (all three flavors) has to win. 


25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Ohhh...hate is such an ugly word.


26. What was the best book you read? Jesus and the Lost Goddess by some dudes.


27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Eeeeee!! Spanky's Clubhouse! Get SPANKED, baby! 


28. What did you want and get? Love. Strength. Joy.


29. What did you want and not get? That damn 280 million dollar winning powerball ticket.


30. What was your favorite film(s) of this year? Umm...I've no clue.


31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Oh...my birthday was on a Tuesday. I think this year, Ididn't even REMEMBER it was my birthday till I got to work, which means I mostly likely didn't do a damn thing. I was/am 27.


32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Finally having a real job.


33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004? Euro sexy - pearls and cleavage.


34. What kept you sane? Chemical substances.


35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Fancy? clearly this survey is a product of our friends across the pond. But, Angelina (ooooooohhhhhhjolie!), Warrick Brown (I don't know his real name, but DAMN that boy is fine, fine, fine) and Eva. 


36. What political issue stirred you the most? That damn election.


37. Who did (do) you miss?  Umph. Nobody - everybody I want to still be around is still around - thank the fates.


38. Who were the best new people you met? oohh..Phil! Samson! Angee! 


39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004: Truth is ALWAYS easier


40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: Everything must change/nothing stays the same/the young become the old/and mysteries do unfold - Oleta Adams

 

3rd? 4th?

Whatever number it is, clearly I'm bored out of my FUCKING mind.

Okay. Some - things.

1. I LOVE Spanky Clubhouse. They are a cover band (yes, a cover band) who plays locally, and oh my god! They rock. I mean - they play like rock and roll, a little hiphop, and so a SLAMMING fucking rendition of  "Pussy Control" but I'm like a groupie.


2. I don't really like going out to party with C, because I have to take him into consideration and can't be my usual outrageously flirtatious minx - not because he's THERE, but because I'm too damn busy paying attention to him to properly flirt with other people.


3. I wan go home.

damn.

hada big bunch of people all chitchatting in my office - much fun, and wasted 1/2 hour.

Old Lovers

Something I wrote earlier sparked me to go and search online for two old lovers - Mike and Jeremy.  *smiles*

Mike was my first college boyfriend - a compulsive liar & cheater, but brilliant, gorgeous (gorgeous!), a gentleman (he could make you feel like a queen as long as you ignored how many other queens he had) and sexy. oohh child. Eat him up with a SPOON. Younger than me too - by almsot 9 months, which we both got a real giggle out of.

Jeremy was - older, HUGE (in every which way), smart - loving - but he was never 'really' my boyfriend. He was in love with me - still says it broke his heart to hear that I was getting married - and while he was the best fuck buddy I've ever had - I just COULDN'T get into a relationship with him.

Got me thinking about - writing something using that. Old Lovers. Airport? Airplane. Sitting an aisle or two away. What happens? What do they talk about? What do they feel?

Eh. Maybe.

truth in advertising

So - might as well take advantage of this private room to write the shit that makes me blush to even consider.

Like how I'm so fucking tired of this emotional pregnant or not rollercoaster - and fuck, I've got an IUD in now - how much WORSE isit going to be when we are really trying?

And like how I feel so guilty/pissed over the fact that I'll have to go totally clean - no smoking (anything!) no drinking, and it just reinforces for me the fact that I'm still SO damn selfish.

But at the same time, I'm thinking in my heart that for my child, I'll give it up in an instant - without the blinkof an eye.

 

---

 

Okay - with the emotional out of the way - still having this odd 'smeary' shit. It looks like a combo of my regular secretions thickened and colored with a VERY light amount of blood - not enough to keep it's color during the long trip, as it comes out VERY thick and dark brown. Almost NO smell - besides the smell of fresh pussy.

My boobs aren't sore - but I no have a lil leakage in the right boob, and those odd - twinges in the left.

*sigh* maybe it's just a 'hiccup' like before, and I'll need a restart with a hormone or two.

 

 

no clue what to title this dross.

I've been writing a lot of really disjointed entries lately.  Just hopping & skipping from one topic to another - and it's a fair reflection of what's going on in my head - jumpy, jumpy, jumpy.

I'm amazingly impatient - have always been - and because I'm aware of it, I'm not really trying to change it - just to temper it. How that relates to anything....oh. So - I hate waiting for this vacation time to start. It sucks, to put it mildly. Esp. considering the fact that I really don't feel like working.

I did my hair over the last few days, so now it's all tight and sexy. I just realized that I've been sitting here for the last 20 minutes running my fingers through it over and over again. I love my hair. It always feels alive somehow - and now that it's longer (every time I tighten my roots - esp if I wait for a month or two like I did this time, I gain about 1/4-1/2 inch of length) it's just plain fucking sexy. and it feels SOOO good. *sigh*  I stopped conditioning it for a while so that the locks would tighten up again - my ends were getting all loose and fuzzy -but I think I'll condition it this weekend. Oohhh...super soft, super silky, super good smelling hair. It's a damn shame I'm broke and can't show it off to total strangers.

Speaking of strangers - I don't think I've talked about our sex life much. This whole 'new explorations' has been a hell of a lot of fun, esp for me. C gets the aftershocks -but, I get to call first dibs on stuff. Heh. I still haven't been able to get him to go to a party, and I've realized that I'm a hell of a lot more of a homebody when he's HOME than I am on my own. So. That's what's up there. I still don't like this city - there are freaky deaks here, but good lord - they aren't my kind of freaky deaks. *sigh* I'm so damn picky.

I'm sleepy too - our pitchin was today at work, and oohhh. So much food. So much yum.

See - this is me trickling down to an end - I want to write something else - but I have to go someplace else to write it, and as only I'll see it - why I am telling you about it?

*blinks*

I've been really fucking foggy headed lately. and tired. *slow slow slow blinks*  Gah. need vacation. Badly, badly.

I'm considering starting writing again.

Gah! How wishywashy was that?

Let's try again.

I want to write.  I'm just too much of a lazy bum (I'm feeling very vulgar today too - just want to cuss up a storm) to actually finish it.

We aren't even going to TALK about how many unfinished ideas, stories, concepts I've got (had - as they were on the old harddrive) that just never go ANYWHERE.  I've got my old filebox FULL of everything I've ever written (by hand, and some stuff I printed out) that I keep 'meaning' to read to energize myself.

I don't know if I'm lazy or afraid, actually. Afraid to - create something? that's truly mine? and then - expose that? Shit - maybe I'm just not self confident enough - don't have the balls to really get down into me and pull that dynamically creative diva out.  When it's for others, I can create almost on demand - I'm talented, imaginative, and stubborn. But this - what I've been doing in one way or another since I was fucking 12 - this scares me.

And yet sometimes - usually when I'm not even trying - I'll bust out with something that suprises even ME. Like 'parched' that I wrote when I was first going through the 'cycle 1 of married life' period - it was soooo damn expressive and SO damn spontaeneous that it hurt. Why can't I plan that shit out?

See? Vulgar!

I blame my mother, personally. Pounding the whole 'art won't make you rich' concept into my brain from a young young age.  Back when I was too young to scream back 'but it might make me happy!' which, really, matters more.

I need to play powerball.

Going to go read 'parched' again.

And you know the funny thing about that? I accidentally deleted it the first time I wrote it, and I recreated it entirely from memory (which normally, I CANNOT do).  Rereading it - it actually seems rather - juvenile now. *sigh*

Maybe that's the problem - like me looking at myself, I can't possbily be an objective judge.  And I don't trust anyone else to be able to fairly judge either - besides bastards like editors and agents who would laugh in my face both before AND after they crushed my tender heart into a few million hangdog pieces.

*gah*

 

So.

So. We decided to use the money (well, most of it - the rest went to bills) to finally take a freaking honeymoon - 10 (or 9 or 8 depending on how big of bastards work is going to be) in lovely sunny Florida at a timeshare that I was able to SNAG for 575.00. Rockthefuckon. We going to drive there, drive back, and have just shiteloads of fun the whole time.

So. I'm freaking out however, over whether we can afford it. Gah. But - it's most purchased, and *deep breath* I'm just going to trust that we can swing it. Thankfully, we aren't big on Xmas, so this will be our Xmas present to us.

So. I think I've figured out what we want from his family for Xmas - a damn monitor. Not too cheap, not too expensive. heh.

What else? Work!? argh! I cna't wait for this year to be done, done, done, DONE!

Ah! Speaking of work, I got a new ID picture taken today (as I had lost my badge) and WOW! My face isn't as fat as it feels/looks in the mirror. That irks me - and kinda makes me worry, because I don't want to be one of those women who are always whining about how fat they are when they aren't. The only reason I've been saying that I'm getting fat is ALLL of my clothes are getting tighter - and really, what else could it be?

 

 

---

 

Theme of the Week: What one gift do you want for Xmas?

Short answer: 12 million dollars, after OR before taxes.

Long Answer: Enough money to make both my & C's dreams come true.

Yeah, we're cheap.

12/15/04

I think I like freaking myself out thinking that I might be pregnant. I know how my cycles run - the next months cycle starts 2-4 days after the previous months did - so for example, if I started on the 11th of November, this month, I should start between the 13th and 15th of December. Simple, right? The only problem is - my dilly ass can never remember WHEN I started the previous month. Was it the 9th? Or was that two months ago? Was it the 15th? Or should that have been this month?

And since my mom got pregnant with ME with an IUD (yes, 30 years (oh my god!) ALMOST 30 years ago) I'm even more - squeaked out.

So, every month I go through this stupid little mental tango with myself of how long I can wait to see my period. And it's rather stupid really - either it's going to show up, or it's not. And if it doesn't - well, answers that question, doesn't it?

Still - for roughly the week BEFORE my period - I'm insane.

So - I'm going to start this new chapter - that is going to be JUST for me to keep trackof my cycle. Hell, once I DO wannaactually get knocked up, it'll be a useful tool if it doesn't happen in the first few go-rounds, shall we say?

And, if (heaven fortend!) I'm pregnant now (GRICK!!) it'll just smoothly switch over to an oops! too little too late chapter.

Heh.

babbblllllling.

*le sigh*

Still pissed, but getting over it. ADT called C last night because the motion detector in the lounge of the restaurant went off, and they couldn't get in touch with anyone else.  *snicker*  May they get what they give, three times over. hah!

Got a check from my best friend paying me back for the Dominican trip. Me and C are having a very hard time being smart about the money, and are seriously considering blowing it all on a vacation over Xmas break - we could get a timeshare in Fl for 10 days, and if we could find a couple to share it with - that would so rock.

Didn't do a damn thing this weekend, except a lot of sleeping and sex. We finally finished putting the waterbed together, and slept on it the last few nights - very comfy.

Somehow I managed to get a long ass scratch going down the middle of my back, no clue how that happened. In general, I'm falling apart - my hair is a fine mess, I need a pedicure badly, my nails are roughly non-existant, and winterskin has fully set in.

The weather is weird as hell - one second it's snowing,the next second it's sunny, the next second it's snowing sideways AND sunny. I think that I'm handling the first snow of the year rather well - most likely because it's not sticking - and I have a car again. and you know what?  it's actually kinda pretty, but shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh - I didn't say that.

What else? Tired! Have I mentioned that already? Damn, but I wanna sleep. I slept 16 hours Sat night - went to bed around midnight, got back up at 4pm, went to sleep at midnight again, and woke up at 7:45am this morning VERY grumpy. Gah. I don't know if this is just a reallllly bad case of the winter doldrums or what - or some severe PMS, as that's usually the only time I get really tired like this. *sigh*

And I've got three hours straight of meetings. nooooo.....

*thumps head on desk*

Got.fucking.DAMMIT.

I'm never having kids.

Ya know why?

Because of the whole two full time job thing, and the fact that my husband works in the least fucking stable industry EVER.

He got fired. again. DAMMIT.

And - *sigh* the main reason they USED to fire him?

MY fucking holiday party.

Let me lay it out for you.

I call, a week ahead of time to set things up with Do. I tell him - between 30 and 50 people, and we iron out the wrinkles on the menu. Can we choose any appetizer? Sure. Can we choose any soup or salad? Sure. And we are limited to the following entrees: :blahblahblah, right? That's correct. For the veggie options - can we choose any pasta? Sure thing! And can we add one other veggie option? Sure! Will there be an upcharge? Nope!

Call him on the 3rd, to confirm that our party of FORTY-THREE is still coming, and that it's okay for me to print out menus with full descriptions on them to bring with us. Sure - no problem.

We get there Tuesday - and SOMEHOW the message was - a party of 20 (TWENTY????) with TWO preselected apps, ONE soup, ONE salad, and NONE of the veggie entree options on the pre-printed menu that is on our table (singular)  

C had been TOLD a party of twenty was coming - with the limited menu, and that's what he prepared for the night before. He had come in on Monday - his day off, because him and his second had switched nights so C could go to the Pacers game. For a party of just twenty people - he didn't NEED to be there.

I run around frantically, trying to get things in the state that Do and I had AGREED to on Friday, and BUSILY mentally kicking myself because me (the get-it-on-paper-QUEEN) had no real paper trail.

The meal and the party as a whole were FABULOUS. We took up most of a room, and ate,drank, and were very, very merry. Ended up spending close to 2500 - on one of their VERY SLOW nights.

C goes to work the next morning, and they fire him for the delightful reason of  'since you weren't here last night, that means that you don't really care about the restaurant, and you can't be trusted to run the kitchen properly.'

If he had known that it was going to be a party of 50 instead of the TWENTY he was told, he would have been there.  If he had been told that we were going to chose from all of the apps/soups,  he would have been there.  If they had CALLED him when they realized how big our party actually was, he would have been there.

But no, they wait until the next day, and just fire him. The fuck? And - what PISSES me off even more, is that it was MY fucking party - or maybe I feel a little guilty. I DID say that he should go to the game. I COULD have run everything past him about the party beforehand....I SHOULD have gotten a record of what Do and I agreed to.

But I didn't. And they used that as an excuse to fire him. And we live in a fucking no-contest (or whatever the legal term for it is) state, which means they can fire you for any reason what so ever, and you just have to bend over and take it.

Got.fucking.DAMMIT.

*sighs*

And I'm just so damn tired - I hate money. Really. I hate being so tightly fucking bound to it that my whole mood & life are dictated by how unprecarious our already negative net worth hangs on a daily basis.

And - the part that sucks the most is I TOLD him that Da (the main owner) was going to screw him over. I told him that before he even TOOK the job - I honestly wanted him to just drop the whole project.

And I'm even MORE pissed that I brought well over 2K worth of business their way, and they turn around and FUCK my husband over like that -and use MY FUCKING PARTY as the reason. 

Oh. Ohhhhh. I wanna do something to them soooo badly. I know it's bad to illwish them, but I hope the fucking building burns down - no injuries, but I want them fucked.

And not in a good way.

ratbastards.

Oh!

I just remembered I have clay at home.

Clay! The fimo kind too! oooohhhh. I think I'm going to go homeand get creative tonight.

Maybe I'll invent something that'll make it all good.

I also need to find my passport (heh, wouldn't THAT suck) and...damn - there was something else that I need to do that just said 'pffft' outta my head.

Hm. I've started designing a ring again. And it's kinda sad,cuzI think designing it makes me feel less bad about the fact that I'll never be able to afford it - or at lwast no time soon.

The loan for my credit cards will be paid off in Sept. WhoomuthafreakingHHHHHHoooooooooo! That'll be an EXTRA 500 a month that I can dedicate to something worthwhile. Like moving.

Damn waht was the other thing I wanted to do?

Ah. -My laptop got hosed,fatass  G knocked it off the table, totally screwed up the LCD screen - totally. So- now I'm looking for a cheap monitor cuz I'm keeping this computer until it's DEAD - or until I've put 500 bucks into it. Eh.

Something, something. Ohh... this is what happens when you're tired - neurons jsut FORGET to freaking fire.

Ahwell. 4:10. I leave way to early, but I go home now.

Shit, owe the library money too.

 

I'm this kind of Freaky (not yet a) Mama

You're a girl power mommy! You love to be girly,
but you're no pushover. Your kids are learning
that gender differences don't have to mean
gender inequality. You've taken back pink, and
you don't care who knows it!

What kind of a freaky mother are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

*pokes self*

I'm seriously getting fatter. My face is getting round, my pants are getting tight, my thighs are starting to thunder - and I've ONLY gained 5 pounds. Trust me though, for some twisted reason, it's looking more like 15.

I've GOTTA quit smoking. Seriously. I've told myself I'll quit once I lose the IUD, but hey - why wait right?

I want a boob job. Sometimes, I think I might not be so body crazy if I had 27yo boobs instead of the 49+ 3 kids with tandem nursing pair I've got now. I would like to not be flat chested without a bra, and a 38DDD with one. Ew.

Which leads me back to the whole 'I really need to quit smoking' as non-smokers heal SO much better than smokers. And have fewer post-surgical complications.

I also need to quit smoking so that I'll lose weight easier - nicotine blocks some kinda weightloss thingy, and if I lose weight, I might get a boob job covered by insurance due to the disproportionism.

Or of course, I could just win the lottery, collect a shitload of money, and get the boob job myself.

But then, it's almost June, (well, close enough) and my IUD is hitting it's fifth year and it needs to come out and I need - we need to decide what to do about that. Though, as much as I love little ones and know that I'd be a great mommy - I honestly don't think I have it in me to work two full time jobs, take care of myself, my husband, and my house. Hell, make that 2.5 full time jobs. So - if I have the option, I'd rather try to hold off doing both at the same time. But - money. Oh lord child, money. So broke am I.So very,very, very broke. So me quitting is just not. an. option.

So, for right now, getting nicely knocked up isn't going to happen in June. Which means that maybe I'll try to get a boob job in June, as I figure if they aren't going to be used, they might as well be purty.

Which means that I have to quit smoking in January. Mebbe that'll be my birfday present to myself.

Which, by the way, I'll be spending in Geneva. In January. *bbbbbbbbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*

Which sucks, but eh. *shjrugs* it'll be my last trip there. And maybe my last trip out of the country for a while...well that's not true. I'll be traveling to Australia a good bit too, but not MOVING like I wanted to.

See - yet another reason to hold off on procreating - I'm traveling a HELL of a lot, and while they claim to be a very family friendly company, I don't think wearing my kid in a sling at work is going to go over well.

Well, maybe in Australia.

So. I've got FOUR reasons (utterly selfish ones mind you, that have nothing to dowith the well studied, investigated and proven dangers of smoking (which I don't need repeated to me thank you verymuch! sheesh!)) to quit.

1. Healthy Body, Healthy Baby (hopefully at some point in time)


2. Healthy Body, Prettier Boobies!


3. Healthy Body, and less thereof.


4. Healthy Body, fatter pockets (these bitches ain't cheap)

And it's odd - cuz I 'stop' for a week or two, then buy another pack that I blow through in an outrageously short period of time *shrugs* I need a good enough reason (in my head) to really quit, and - well, quite sadly enough, my long term health isn't it (maybe because I see myself only smoking for a short term?) anyhow. Yeah.

Bleh. Fatter I tell you! It's sooo weird - I was getting SMALLER without losing weight, now I'm getting BIGGER without gaining any. I mean - what, is my body eating the muscle and storing it as fat?  I keep trying to tell myself it's a bit of pre-period bloat on top of those fivepounds - but I can't look myself in the face and say that cuz my face is all big & round shaped. Look like I got a damn moon face. Maybe it's water retention? a lil too much salt? HAH! I've made it though my nine months of ignoring my body, and it's about time for me to start paying her somemore attention.

And I'm SO farking tired. My god. I could just curl up and GO. TO. SLEEP. I seriously almost fell asleep at my desk- and I got a solid seven hours of sleep last night.

hmm... maybe it is water retention, cuz my feet or swollen and throbby. And I love these shoes, so it ain't them.

Gah!