The Moment

Well… I need to write down exactly what happened because otherwise I’m going to start to forget.

I was home after having been puttering around most of the night,  trying to make a glaze for a pan of cinnamon rolls that I had the sudden urge to make. He buzzed the door, and I ran to let him in and then ran back into the kitchen because I had to get back to my glaze…. you understand?
He shed his various bags and coat and all that jazz, came in the kitchen, gave me the usual kiss and asked  me what I was up to. Telling him about the rolls and the glaze, his eyes lit up (the boy is a cinnamon rolls FIEND), and then he told me that he had to ask me something really important, so would I leave the glaze for a second.
I thought he was going to ask me if he could move in with me, or borrow a lot of money, or something…. he just seemed so serious and dour rather than really nervous.
So we are sitting on my couch, and I am all wrapped up in the throw I have on the couch. I was rather skimpily clad, and the living room was MUCH cooler than the kitchen. 
He starts to tell me how much he loves me, and how much I mean to him and all this other lovely dovey stuff and my eyes are just getting bigger and bigger as he is talking. Then he slides off the couch, gets on one knee (he really did… that is when the state of shock started) and asked me if I would be his wife. *grins* I had started giggling since about a minute before he actually asked me, because I suspected what was coming,  and I was trying to muffle it by covering the lower half of my face with the throw.  So when he asked, I just nodded madly. I couldn’t even speak because I had this HUGE ass grin on my face.  He was like – ‘Are you saying Yes?’ and I just kept nodding  and finally managed to get out this really itty bitty half giggly half breathy  YES.  :)  We hugged and kissed and shmoopied for a couple of minutes, and then I popped up and ran into the kitchen… because my rolls were starting to burn.  :)  Luckily the rolls were safe (and delicious I might add) and we were engaged. 
 He said (afterwards… as we were talking) that he wanted to wait until he could get a ring, but because of  hissy fit that I threw the day before I left for Madrid about how most of the time I could care less if he has money to sped on me, I just want to be WITH him…he figured (correctly too) that the ring would be a lot less important to me than knowing that he wants to be with me for life.  I inform him, however, that I some point I want an engagement ring. :)

And that’s it.  One year and two days after we started dating, he asked me to marry him…. how cool is that?

It still doesn’t feel quite real.  It’s almost like how a felt when I first got my car… it’s a change, but such a sudden one that it doesn’t really hit me how much has changed right away. :) I am more or less out of my state of shock….but wow.  I’m like… engaged…. to be married.  *faints dead away*

Stay Jazzed.

Zoom Zoom Zoom

As promised - CAR pictures....


The Side View


Get off the road!! Here I come..........



Don't I have the cutest booty??

Isn't she lovely? Isn't she wonderful? I took these pictures BEFORE she got filthy... thank goodness.

I think Corey finally figured out just how much I love him. :) He asked me to marry him. :) And I said yeah. *LOL* Actually I was just nodding madly (a VERY Carrie moment) but.... he got the idea. :)

I'se a happy bunny. Remarkably amazingly, I'm tearing up to cry happy. It's scary and amazing and wonderful. *giggles*

Stay Jazzed.

Wander Lust

I’ve lived in over 15 places in 24 years, and while that might not seem like much, it has made me who I am. In fact, if anyone asked me what shaped the person that I am the most the four things that would be on that list are: 1) Reading 2) Moving 3) Home Schooling 4) Islam . That it. Four things without with I wouldn’t be ME… I most likely wouldn’t be where I am now, and I sure as hell wouldn’t be who I am now.
For right now, I want to try and make a record of everywhere that I have lived. I have been having odd little flashbacks of places in the last few days, and I want to remember just how it was.
1. Washington, DC – birth to 4 years
The lovely place in southwest with the hardwood floors
I had Sesame St on the walls and woke up one night afraid of Bert.
Had my first sexual exploration with a girl…my first overall
The lovely tree in the back that they chopped down
Very close to the MD border
Saw the rainbow arching over the bus stop
went to preschool and wore the too large Sylvester costume

2. Springfield MA – about 9 months
3. Boston, MA – about 2 years
4. Chester, PA – about 2 years
5. Cleveland, OH – about 1 year
6. Somewhere in OH – about 2 months
7. Xenia, OH – about 3 years
8. Boston, MA – about 2 years
9. Trenton, NJ – about 9 months
10.Chester, PA – about 4 years
11.Atlanta, GA – about 5 years
11a. Kennedy, Florida – 2 summers
12. Indianapolis, IN – about 1 year

That’s it. I think that I am forgetting some places mainly because the years between 5 and about 12 are more or less a blur. I remember small things, but nothing concrete. I have always wondered why…maybe because so little in my life was concrete?

This is how I really feel....

Cookies make my tummy hurt. They also make me something else, but I’m going to keep that tidbit of information to myself.

I got another indicator today of just how odd I am… relatively speaking. Or maybe not. I have never been one who just knew that she was going to be getting married at some point. I was more of the mentality that I would get someone to knock me up, and me and my many babies would live in happy solitude. Okay… actually I wanted to live in a commune with me and a few wonderful people who would be good friends and occasional lovers. That was about it.

Now I’m faced with the concept that – Oh my GOD – I have met someone that I would very much so like to marry, and I have no clue how to do it. Okay, I have a rough idea of what married life would be like from here – real life in all it’s glory and misery – and a general idea of what I would want my married life to be like. I want it to be rather like my relationship life, only longer…and sweeter and stronger and more steady. I have a general idea of how I want to have and raise my kids. I have a good idea what I want my ring(s) to look like.

The problem is, you see, unlike a grand majority of women, I have utterly no CLUE what I want to wedding to be like. I have joked about getting married in all black (which I look damn good in I might add) or eloping… but other than that *shrugs* No clue. Isn’t that wonderful? And cool and amazing all at once? I get to maybe do something that I haven’t planned for. *grins* How interesting. Just for an idea of a cool wedding… there is a commercial where this guy and girl are standing on the beach in Hawaii and they are being married by a very much so Hawaiian guy. Then they dubbed the video, tossed in some music, and sent it to their parents. Now THAT… is a wedding. The white dress, catering, cake, reception halls, bridesmaids, grooms *starts groaning* Nope… nope…nope. Too much damn money. And stress. And expectations.

Anyhowwwwwwwwww…. I think I’m jumping the gun anyway. We have agreed that at some point we want to marry each other, but I’m not engaged. Nope… not at all. *LOL* I shan’t be engaged until one of us gives the other a proposal. *grins* Maybe I should propose to him… and get him a ring… *LOL* I don’t know. I’m happy and excited and I think that I am getting this way waaaaaayyy too far in advance and it might be years and he might change his mind (cuz I’m NOT changing mine) and maybe maybe maybe *deep breath*

I don’t know what might be. I just know what I am hoping for. And what I’m looking forward too is a long, mostly joyful, wonderful life with my Corey. The maybe wedding is just a blip on the road. Oh my .

Stay Jazzed.

Short Update and Note Replies

So tired. So so soooo very tired. Finished moving in...not finished unpacking. Love love love the place. Pictures soon. Cable doesn't work. Bad cable company. Catling is hyper. Boyfriend is wonderful. Need air conditioning. :)

Dollz: I have been collecting doll 'bits' from all over the web. If I can figure out a way to do it I'll display some of the nicer dolls. No Mermaid...you'll have your dolly in a bit. :) IceChica: Nah... I haven't checked out the barbie site, bit I will. Cyndi/Desert Rein: Do a web search for dollz (note the 'z') and plenty of pages of dollmakers will pop up. :) I've saved a lot of bodies and props to my hard drive so I can hold on to them...and play while I'm NOT hooked up to the web.

Um. I think that's it.

7/10/01

Totally terrified alternating with joy and relief. I don’t know, and that is really the worst part. I need to grab a test, a stick something to ease my worried mind.
At the same time that I hope I’m not…if I am I will be ready. I can see myself dealing with this and living with it… even if Corey does vanish from the picture. I ask him how much he loves me, but I don’t know if he is hearing me…I want to know if he LOVES me. If I can rely on him, if he is going to be a solid force in my life that I can depend on…if through good times and bad he will be there holding me up and cushioning me from falling too hard. That is what full and true love is to me.

I’m getting…itchy. I don’t know what’s going on inside me.. in my head or in my belly. I’m thinking that I am ready…to *gasp* settle down. I wanna be…full. I have had the vision in my mind for the longest that what I am meant to be.. who I am going to be.. is a mother. That…may be my place in life. a mother and a writer and a dreamer and a creator. Of all the paths I can take in my life, those are the ones that have always stood out clearest to me…those are the ones that I KNOW that I can follow, that I can take and succeed and manage through with grace and strength and comfort.

I’m going to be done writing my book by the end of the year, baby or no. I have to become self sufficient…I’m not going to be able to live and survive in a job for very long. It’s just not me. It’s weird and kind of scary to acknowledge these things.. ME… miss. I – need – my –creature –comforts basically saying… I don’t WANT to be stuck somewhere where the money is good but it’s not fulfilling for me. I want to be doing what I want to do.. and make money from it. I can do that. I KNOW I can do that….
and I am going to.


Jasmyn.

Dollz and Regression

I have gotten hooked on these little 'dollz' things. It is rather scary… but I mean talk about DRESS UP!! I had wanted to make me a little ego image, but those doll girls were just TOO skinny. *laughs* I couldn’t FIT my ego image into one of them… I’m a bit much. So.. since I have all this free time at work, and since all of my doll stuff is on the ‘personal’ drive on this computer, I figured why not?? And thus Jazzybelle was created. It took me a bit to figure out how to seamlessly put the image on my main page, but I like it…her. Her hair is a bit longer than mine is…but not by much. She is also a BIT slimmer than me, mainly because there is only so much you can warp a figure before it just starts looking…warped. Ummm..what else? The outfit is one of my favorites actually…a mint green tank top and a black skirt. The skirt I wear is longer… but it didn’t look right on the alter…I couldn’t figure out how to get it to drape right… *shrugs* I need more practice. *grins* And of course I had to do the silver jewelry!!

Umm.. okay. Enough talking about my silly little dolly. :) But she WAS fun.


P.S. - I did my hair.
Stay Jazzed.

No-Title Title

Well… that went well…sorta. I have ‘taken’ possession of my new digs, but the key doesn’t work, so I haven’t really taken anything. *sighs* Anyway, I went to sign the lease Friday afternoon, went to the apartment (which I have STILL not been in alone…*sighs*) wandered around for a bit, ate at Mickey – D’s and then came on back home. I really really like this place. While the apt that I’m in now was…almost overwhelming in it’s openness and hugeness, this place is simply welcoming. It feels very homey, and I really like it. I wanted to go and smudge the place, but I want to do that alone so I might have to stop there Thursday night after class. I want that place to be sweet and fresh when I move my stuff in.

The rest of the weekend was more of the same. I lazed about Friday night, woke up relatively early Saturday, packed some, then got dressed and went out. I wanted to pick up a decorating book or two, and I wanted to see a movie. So I ended up going to see Tomb Raider (umm… wait for it) and eating out. I had some LO-VE-LY prime rib (and for under 20 bucks too!!) and an all around good time. Came home after that, watched a bit of TV, crashed a bit. Sunday, got woken up at 7:00 by the sounds of them imploding the old arena up the street from my house, couldn’t get back to sleep, so I went to IHOP. Having packed up most of my cookware and food and spices gives one a wonderful excuse to eat out. Packed a bit more, washed clothes, dozed, and in all had a lovely weekend. I hoped to see Corey before it was all over, but as he was detained in returning from his family reunion (what should have been a six hour trip turned in to a 10 hour trip) that didn’t happen.

Ah yes. And so now here I am at work, with little to nothing to do, freezing my poor little TOES off. *sighs* I really wish they would come back and FIX this crap. It’s a health danger. I think I might protest and start working from home. *pouts*

Anyway. I’m a little sleepy. *yawn* Hm. I start back up with these stupppppiiid driving classes again today. Oh joy… rapturous rapturous joy. blegh. I wanna DRIVE dammit. *sighs* Okay.

I’m gone.

Stay Jazzed.

Fireworks...

BRRRRRRRR!!!!!

It is just not right for it to be 83 degrees outside, and to be about 60 degrees inside. NASTY NASTY NASTY. I’m cold!! I don’t like being cold! Dammit!

With that little rant out of the way, I had a good Independence Day. I slept lots, packed lots, actually went and WATCHED the fireworks this year rather than staying cooped up in my apartment listening to them like I did last year. The only thing that would have made the fireworks better would have been if Corey was there with me. *sighs* I ought to call him up and tell him that. I think I will. *pause* Um. okay. All done. *sighs* I’m turning into a clothing courier. Ah well.

I’m practically done packing, but it doesn’t look like it. Because this is the first time I am moving with actual real furniture, the house still looks kinda full, cuz all the big stuff is still sitting around. Most of the cabinets and stuff are empty, but you can’t really tell that from a single look. I have been throwing out so MUCH stuff… it is really ridiculous. I have been carting along so much junk with me for the past few years, it’s actually kinda nice to get rid of it.

Giovanni is NOT happy with the whole moving situation. He has been acting like heis on drugs for the past few days…running around chasing after something only he can see, meowing so sad and pitiful and then when I try to pet him attacking my hand…it’s scary. Almost like he is regressing. He doesn’t even seem to notice that his bits are gone…

I am starting to feel … guilty … about not doing my hair. It doesn’t really look THAT bad, but I am just really aware of that fact that I have not DONE my hair in well over a month, and that is just not cool. I finally put a bead in it (it looks really cool, I might have to take a picture) but I’m not as happy with it as I should be because the REST of my hair isn’t all nice and neat and parted and DONE like it should be. However, since I am a lazy baby, and there are so many more interesting things for me to do lately than my HAIR, I don’t see me getting it done anytime soon.
Also, I know that I am a little sensitive about my hair. There have been many a day when I thinking that I look like an utter crow’s nest up there, and someone will compliment me on my hair. Another thing that has been picking at me is the fact that I have…odd hair. Remarkable thick, rather kinky coily and nappy, but ONLY when it is totally free. If I have my hair twisted on in braids or in locs like it is now, the roots of my hair come out wavy. Almost straight. And I don’t think that they are gonna loc up on their own. *sighs* Soooooooo….. I think that I am going to break down and do my hair.

But speaking of hair…

I had an interesting run in yesterday, and I haven’t figured out whether to be insulted or complimented by it. I was walking to the liquor store ( to get BOXES!!!!) and this guy pulled up next to me in a Mercedes with a girl in the passenger seat. He asked me if I did my own locs, and I said yes. He asked if I did other folx, and I said not really. All well and good right? So then he asked for my number so that maybe he could call me to get his done. *shrugs* No problem, this might be a secondary source of Income. SO I give him my number and my ‘other’ name, and continue on the to grocery store. He had a bit of a tude, but I didn’t pay it no mind. So I’m behind the liquor store, scavenging for the best boxes, and here comes Mr. Car Dude… anyhow… (here comes the insult/compliment part) he tells me that I have a lovely ass (umm..thanks) and that he would like to get with me in about an hour. *makes face* Say whaa?? After I turn him down, he tells me that he is a producer from NYC with big bucks…. I tell him I don’t want/need nobody else’s money and anyway... I GOT a man… he comes back with ‘well I don’t need nobody else’s woman’. *snickers* So annnyyyhow… he gets a further tude (on top of the one he already had) cuz I told him I had no interest in fuckin his skanky ass… and then leaves, saying I was gonna change my mind.
Now, my point of confusion was this: Should I be complimented on the fact that he noticed me as a lovely sexy woman, or should I be insulted that he stepped to me in such a trifling way? My own personal feeling is pure amusement that he thought he was so much the shit that he didn’t NEED to show any common respect or decency. *shrugs* And he wasn’t even all that cute!! Or maybe I should just hold the two things as separate compliment -------- insult. *sighs* *giggles* He thought I was gonna be IMPRESSED?!??! Umph… please.
I briefly considered telling Corey about this, but somehow I think this is one of those things that men just don’t need to know. Or at least boyfriendly type men…*shakes head*


Stay Jazzed,

Whooshhh...

I’ve figured out why I like moving so much…it represents new frontiers for me. Once I have decided on moving…I daydream about lovely decorating and new areas and just fun stuff. Rather like the same feeling I got every time I wanted to rearrange my room…A sense of freedom embedded in change.

My job is really starting to get on my nerves. People being pulled and overstressed, and then trying to transfer that stress over to me. Umm… I think not. There comes a point where one just has to take a step back and realize that stressing and trying to rush is going to just put you even further back along than you should have been. *sighs* People need to take a really big chill pill. Blagh. I’m actually glad that I don’t have a passport. These crazy people might try to ship me to Spain. Ugh.

I’m trying to figure out what the hell I am doing with my hair. I haven’t twisted the roots for over a month now, and it is starting to get all wild and wooly. Mind you, I rather like it that way, because the roots tend to get all soft and silky due to my natural oils and juices creeping up the roots. So it feels really really good, but it doesn’t look to hot. In fact it looks rather….wild and wooly and stuff. I have been considering just letting it free form – stop twisting it and let it loc up on it’s own, but I think my hair is a little too soft and straight to do that on it’s own. I wonder just how long it would take for my hair to do something on it’s own…and whether or not I have to hold off on washing it. *yyeeeccchhhh* That is one of the main things that led me to lock my hair the way I have done it, the fact that I could wash it and get it wet almost every day if I wanted to. *shrugs* I don’t know…

Me and Corey are better. *sighs* I swear, me and him have so many ups and downs, and then we sit down and talk and clear up most of our issues, and sail forward for a while and then it is back to the up and down again. Hopefully, now that I am off of the pill, and now that we have gone through some tough points, the ups will last much longer than the downs. Ya know, he was actually thinking about breaking up with me on Saturday? Isn’t that horrid? And we can’t figure out a way to insure that the lines of communication stay clear. *sighs* I have never worked this hard at anything in my life…but it is so much so worth it.

Money issues? Ugh… tighter and tighter. Since the damn machine ate my ATM card, I have to wait for my mother to send me this money for the rest of my lease. *sighs* I don’t know I don’t know…I’m hoping that everything works out well, cuz if it doesn’t I might seriously go batty. I WANT this place…really really I do.

Um. I think I might paint this place. The main room that I want to work on is the kitchen. Because of the way it is set-up, it is kinda dark, and I want to brighten it up as much as possible. However, I consider yellow kitchens to be the most…average thing there is. Blagh. I also think that the dark wood paneling isn’t helping in the least.

*yawnnn* I need more sleep. Not that I haven’t been getting plenty, but I still need more. *shrugs* I don’t think that is going to happen considering the fact that I HAVE to have my house packed totally by Monday, since I’m going to be in driving classes next week and thus I won’t be able to pack at all that week. *sighs* I really need to hunt down/up some more boxes.


Stay Jazzed.