Sky

I've seen many entries about the Columbia Space Shuttle - and they seems to go either one of two ways - weeping for this 'national tradegy' or wondering why it's even classified as a national tradgey. I'm firmly in the latter camp.

I wanted to be an astronaut as a child - or an archeologist. The astronaut career I had to abdandon when I found out that you had to have uncorrected vision of at least 20/40 - which I most likely didn't have when I was born. I gave up on archeology because I wouldn't make enough money. (See previous entry on my opinions of money-making).

Even as a child I KNEW that space travel was dangerous. A human NEEDS air to breathe, and space is totally air-free. Yes, it's rather simplistic, and doesn't cover even a fraction of the tragedies that can occur - but I had a childs understanding. I'm sure that each of those seven astronauts had that SAME understanding - and still felt that yes, it was worth their LIVES to travel to space. Even though I may never see the world from space - I understand and respect the decision they made.

With that understanding and respect - it makes no sense for this incident to be any more of a national tragedy than the deaths of 7 construction workers - 7 soliders - 7 deepsea oil rig workers - 7 policemen. It IS a deeply persoanl tragedy for each of the families and friends of those who die - but that is the effect of any death.

Perhaps we as a country have too many national tragedies - or maybe we don't have enough. If the President took time out of his day to lead the Nation is mourning for EVERY American soul who dies a violent and wrongful death - he wouldn't have time to plan a war that will guarentee several hundred (at the minimum) violent and unnessary deaths.
How many people will we have to send to their deaths in the Oil Fields of Iraq before it becomes a national tragedy?


The sky's the limit...

Work

I don't like to work. It's a rather simple fact that most people (at least my older coworkers) can't seem to understand. The only - and I do mean ONLY - reason that I come to this job every day (and even almost on time) is because I NEED THE MONEY.

There are things that I would much rather do with my life (like be a midwife) but that simply don't provide enough of a cash flow to cover my needs. And no, I'm not a extravagant designer wearing, credit card running up, jetsetting kinda woman. I'm simple. I buy my clothes from Value City. I read books for entertainment. I own a used car. I LIKE finding great deals, and I'm stingy.

Right now I've been working at the same company for almost 3 years (I got hired straight out of college which is SUCH a blessing) and I'm being 'groomed' to work on another project within my team. I don't think I've ever felt quite so empty-headed in my life. And if there is anything that makes me feel insecure - it's NOT knowing. Then, I also feel rather guilty. I feel like I SHOULD know (or at least have a CLUE) about some of the things that are being talked about - but instead I'm drawing a blank. I have to sit in meetings, open-eyed/eared and closed mouth feeling like the local village idiot sponge.

It's hard for me to remember that I felt EXACTLY this stupid and unprepared when I started working here - and that EVERYONE who works here had to go through that same stupid period. The secret is to try and make it through with the least amount of dumb questions asked (unless it's one-on-one) and the most amount of information understood.

*sigh* The Learning Curve is a bitch.

But - back to work.

Balance

I find a certain level of security in being odd. It feels better to believe that the reason I am so solitary is simply because there are so few others out there who can connect to me, rather than it simply being a matter of me MISSING something.
At the same time, I worry that I'm not really odd - I just use it (as I've used money and weight and religion) as an excuse to keep me safe in my solitary little coocon.

But in everything there must be a level of balance. With the purchase of this diary - I now have three. Two on this website, and one that is set up solely for me on my website. I consiously chose to convert my other diary into a place where the entry are all narrowly focused on a certain topic - but I began to miss the connections that I formed with others as I spoke/wrote about my ENTIRE life. So - here I am again...making a place where I can write about everything that I would rather TALK about - but have so few to talk to. So - one place where I vent and talk about a major event in my life. One place where I whisper the thoughts that sometimes I'm almost ashamed to admit I have, and one place to simply write and vibrate with others.

Balance.

Years and years and years....

That's what forever is - or more accurately until death do us part. And sometimes it's sad and scary to think of it, because he could die tommorow - I could die tommorow - and we would be parted.
But at the same time, if we DO live to be 93, it's scary to think of all the years and all the LIVING that's going to go on in those years. Just to start there's both of us growing, changing, learning more about ourselves and what we want from life. Toss in cildren, moving, different jobs, illness, money, and looking down that long road - it seems like love is such a tiny amount of a fragile glue to hold us together.

I read (and see) so much BITTERNESS towards spouses. Repressed (or not so repressed anger). Expectations. Loneliness. Plain old dislike. And I have to wonder what changed to allow them to end up where they did. I'm sure it didn't start out that way - I'm guessing most people start almost exactly where I am - looking down that long road with love and hope, looking forward to the Golden Years together. Instead they find themselves trolling for 'lovers' online. Having conversations that sound more like a running litany of complaints than an interaction of ideas. It's scary...

But...but then I look at US. Two people who reflect each other. Two people who talk TO each other. Two people who understand the NEED to occasionally ask (or demand) forgiveness. Two people who try to be honest - sharing feelings, sharing fears, sharing anger. Two people who know that they aren't perfect. We know our life together won't be perfect or automatic...and I guess that is what strengthens our love.

I wish I knew 'the' magic formula for loving someone for life. We're going to try - making mistakes and bumbling along to find the formula that works for us - but sometimes as I'm drifting off to sleep I worry that we will make so many mistakes that we can't find our way out of them, and we will stop being able to love each other.

I don't know. And usually that is simply an admission and an encouragement to go forth and find out. But for this - a relationship that WE have alost total power over and that WE want to keep strong and wonderful - there is no way to actually KNOW. It's just a matter of making it through the years with grace and love (always love).

And all I can hope is that we can tell our children and grandchildren on our 50^th anniversary - "Guesswork, effort, communication, and love. That's what it took."

I hope that IS what it takes.

jasmyn

Spurts and Bubbles.

Okay. So every once in a while (once a month or so) I get this sudden SPURT of wedding-like energy. Yesterday marked the beginning of a spurt. One of the minor things I've been obsessing about has been centerpieces. So yesterday, I happened to be in the Dollar Store (looking for some cute martini glasses) and suddenly found myself sucked into an alternate universe of wedding thoughts on accessories.
And I think I've found what I want. My first choice was a glass cylinder half full of those pretty little glass stones in an golden/copper color (which along with cream are FINALLLY the official wedding colors) with three tapers (two ivory and one gold) set in them. The top half o the cylinder has a pretty little bow around it of copper organza. Quite lovely. But!! I just called the
Flamingo (to check on their firecode) and tapers aren't allowed. :( So - on to option two. Low bowls half full o those same stones, wih water and floating candles on top. These will be surronded by three or four little copper colored votive holders. And - if I can find it - some copper confetti (or maybe not) scattered on the table. I'll take some pictures of it tonight - I've got a few shots left on the roll that I did our engagement jewelry pictures on. It should be fun to see what they look like. And yah - I will post them once I get them.

Then - I was chatting with the girlys on the lowcarb bullutien board, and realized what the cake will look like!! It's going to be three tiers, with ivory icing. The cake topper with be burgandy calla lillies (the flowers from my bouquet) and around the bottom of each layer there will be copper ribbon tied in a lovely bow. It's gonna be PURTY!!

*bouncy bouncy*

jasmyn

Totally Non-weddingly.

Okay - I'm just GRUMPY. Honestly - I hate shopping for stuff - ESPECIALLY expensive stuff. So, havng to shop for ANOTHER car 1 year and 4 months after buying the first one is definitely grumping me off.

Yes, C managed to total my car. *sigh* Both me and the BigHeaded Boy are fine - but STILL!! She was my BabyGurl...and I realllllllllllllllllly don't wanna look for a new car. I mean - really!

So. STD's aren't getting done this weekend either, as me & the boy will be making roadtrips to see a car that I WANT. Heh.

*sigh*

jasmyn

Registration & Resignation

Okay - this weekend is THE weekend to register. :) No - I STILL haven't done the STD's (I'm staying HOME next weekend so that I can work on them) but we need to register BEFORE we send out the cards that have the website that list where we are registered at on it. Target, we can do in store. Crate&Barrel we can do online, PierOne we can do in store (I just need to find one) and William&Sonoma will just have to wait until we both come up here. So - that will almost leave the website in 'ready to go' condition.

And then there is one other little niggling thing that isn't done on the website that I really don't know HOW to handle. I want to put up a family listing somehow, and I was thinking of a family tree - but I'm not all that thrilled about creating a family tree. I'm - embrassed - I guess about the sparsity of my knowledge of my family. I don't even know my paternal grandparents NAMES, and it sucks. I don't know my maternal grandfaters name by heart - though I can find that out easily enough by checking with my mother. I've more or less gotten OVER it in my daily life *shrugs* my father was a selfish asshole, but there are times (like now) when family becomes SO freaking important, and I don't quite know how to handle it. And honestly, I don't even want to THINK about it too much because then I get all upset and bitter and sad that my father didn't have the decency (and still doesn't) to acknowledge me. I wouldn't even mind if he didn't want to halp raise me or donate any sort of financial assitance to my mother - but damn. And then I wonder about the REST of his family. On their side I'm the oldest female grandchild. I think. *shrugs* Ah well.
So. I don't know what I'm going to do with the family section. I might just swallow the icky feeling and make a family tree - even though it will be ugly and lopsided - it's true. And I have to say - the fruit is a good bit better than at least half the tree it feel from.

Jasmyn

I can start the 'lasts' now.....

 Interestingly enough - I haven't really started doing the litany of 'lasts' yet. No clue why, just haven't. But...I'm going to document my frst one here.

 Today is my last birthday as an single woman. Next year (and every year after that) I'll either be married, divorced, or widowed. Yipes.

 I've found a new reply for people who complain about getting older - "You have two choices. You can either be older, or you can be dead." Oddly enough, after thinking about that, getting older sounds pretty darn cool.

Corey asked me today if I was where I expected to be at 26. I had to think about it for a while, but I think I am. I expected to be settled - while I never really thought I would be getting MARRIED, but I thought that I would at least be in a stable realtionship with the man that I would have kids with at some point. I expected to be further along financially, but I'm content with where I am. I'm happy. I'm not TOTALLY satisfied with myself, but that just gives me something to work towards. :)

Happy Birthday tooooo meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Jasmyn

Calming Down

Okay...so I was getting frantic for no reason at all. I moseyed on over to the Knot, and looked at their checklist - and WOW! I'm plenty good on target. So.

I quit the so-called wedding job. Since weh ave a credit card now, I'm not nearly as frantic about saving up money, and I was just plain drained. My last night was Friday, and it's been simply lovely being able to go HOME and relax for a few hours before bed.

I think I've figured out the decorations. I knew that our colors were going to be rich - copper and gold and ivory - to match the invites and my dress and the season. So - I've been batting around in my head the kind of table decorations I wanted...and finally came up with: Ivory table clothes, with a suqare (or a crumple) of copper colored tulle in the middle. A square mirror or piece of glass, with three pillar candles of different heights (either one copper two ivory, or two copper one ivory) on top.
It's a rather standard style of decoration, and if I could have my druthers I would three little candle lamps on the table with copper colored shades but I don't think that's gonna happen. Hmmm...I might need to swing by the PierOne Outlet store...they often have nice stuff like that for ridiculously cheap. And they have an untold WEALTH of candle crap.

What else? I still haven't put together the STD's (which are supposed to go out in a little under a month) nor is the address list complete (a few people of Corey's and some family of mine I haven't just called and gotten their address.) I have however (more or less) finished our website to my satisfaction. I'm thinking of sticking a guestbook on it...but that would be all. That would be something fun to do to keep me occupied for a while.

Jasmyn

Why am I so calm??

Okay. I've got 240 days until I get married (2 days less than 9 months).
We've booked the reception and the 'chapel'.
I've picked out my dress.
We've purchased the wedding rings.
We've written our vows.
I'm slowly but surely working on the STD's (which I want to go out in a little over a MONTH) and the invites (which most likely won't go out for another 6 months)


So - it looks like we have done pretty well, but I'm PARANOID that I'm forgetting SOMETHING. I mean these are the last few months - I should be feeling all crunch-timey and stuff. Instead I'm calm. An absolute SEA of Calmness. And that fact that I'm so calm (because I have this feeling of having EVERYTHING under control) is starting to freak me out. Really. I'm about to give in and go to the Knot and look at their checklist just to see WHAT I'm forgetting.

Gah!

Jasmyn