Weekending....

Well... I'm legally Mrs. C now. I wanted to keep my maiden name and shift it my middle name and still keep my middle name, but apperantly that's asking a bit much of a marriage license so I'd have to go through the courts to get it legally changed, and as attached as I am to my name, I reaaallllllyyyy don't have 210.00 to spend to keep it.  *le sigh* So. yeah. But - my social security card has it on there, as apparently you can call yourself anything you damn well please there. So - maybe when I move to another state and get a new license I might be able to pull it off then? *le sigh*

 

What else? I'm going to start the Master Cleanser fast Monday. Me & C are going to have one last big blowout this weekend, and then it's a ten day 'drink' fast. I'm doing it more for the cleansing properties than for the weight reducing properties, as I feel - icky internally. Just - dirty. :) So - this will be an interesting two weeks. Once I'm done, I'm going to jump right back into proper clean Atkins, again.

 

C. got a job! He starts Tuesday as a chef at Indy's snootiest resturant. *claps* The guy that he was talking to about opening a restaurant doesn't know shit about how to open one, expects to open in two months, and hasn't even REASEARCHED what it takes to open a SUCCESSFUL place. He's opened two clubs - but a club is just a big empty room with a sound system - a resturant is a whole nother barrell of bricks, so we both have very skeptical feelings about this. The guy didn't plan on hiring anyone until 3 weeks before opening, and C is starting to back away from what we think is going to be an 'open for three months' kind of scenario. Of course - the good job that he is going to start Tuesday presents a wee bit of a - dilemna when faced with the possibility of moving away from the area in 9 months, but that bridge will be there for us to cross...later.

Randomosity

Okay - if I had any sense I would have taken Thursday and Friday off too - I was so out of 'step' with everything - totally not ready to just slide back into the 'normal' life I had stepped out of for a few days. Today though, I feel more back to normal. Almost. :)

 

This weekend was wonderful - I did nothing but sleep and putter around the house. I think I might have touched the computer about twice - and of course none of it was long enough to start playing with the pictures. Hah! That's going to take a couple of weeks, I know. We got legally married on the 2nd - so that's going to be our 'official' wedding anniversary. Gah! I so don't feel like changing my name - but I know I will. Am.

 

Work is - workly. I got a raise (WHOOHOO!!) which I'm not sure what I'm going to do with - I could either pay more bills ( the usual answer) save it (the secondary answer) spend it (highly unlikely) or put it towards my 401K (good money after bad?) or - open an investment account of my own (better off as a candle lighter?). Still no promotion (bitches) but my boss said that we re going to start working that 'pipeline'. *sigh* I would like at least ONE promotion by the time I leave.

 

I realize how much I freaking MISS my friends though - I had a absolutely WONDERFUL time being back in the old stompling grounds with them. *sigh* I really need to make some friends here - girlys (and guythings) that I can hang out with.

 

Bleh. I'm roughly wasting time until my coworkers get back from a meeting so that we can go to lunch. I'm back on Atkins as of today - I can feel the weight on me now, and I want it OFF, OFF, OFF!!! Bleh.

 

I'm kinda tossing around the thought of entering the LaneBryant Modeling contest - the only thing that is holding me back is the fact that you HAVE to be at least a full 14 - and eh. I'm not sure if I WANT encouragement to not lose any more weight. As I was driving in to work today I realized that another 60 pounds is what I would like to lose - and that I really shouldn't be putting it off - I know me. But then of course - I might be TRYING to lose weight, and not lose any, and I'd miss out on at least a CHANCE for something really interesting. I think I'll enter, and if  I actually end up in the running at all - then I can fret about being too skinny. HAH!

 

Okay. I'm thinking thats all for now. Blah!

Much Love.....

Instabilty - rocking our world

Ah yes - in other news, C is about to get fired.

 

Let me explain. When he first took this job with a privately owned resturant - let's call it BB- he was interviewing for the position of Exec Chef - the top dog. The resturant HAD an exec - but they were trying to fire him, and find a replacement beforehand. I didn't like that  - shady shady - but C seemed to get along well with the owner, and several of the partners - so he agreed to take a job at BB as a regular ole cook.

 

After a week or so there - he found that the exec chef, while not perfect - wasn't a half bad guy. So - C offered to be his sous chef (the exec's right hand) rather than just another line cook. Well and Good.

 

R - the exec - was nervous around C. I love him dearly, but he can be an arrogant so&so when it comes to food - esp. when it comes to dealing with people who assume they know more than he does because he hasn't had the 'high level' position. And C is never one to hide his light - which R could tell was brighter than his. Then, there's E. E is the resturant manager - 25 y/o with a VERY big, arrogant, head who expects everyone to kneel to his power & authority. *sigh* Two arrogant men in the same space is a bad idea. So E never liked C - didn't like him at the interview, didn't like him when he started working, doesn't like him now.

 

Earlier this week - R got fired. Not sure how, or why - but he was out. Now logically - one would assume that C (his right hand) (and who had been promised the exec spot anyhow) would step into that position - right? *shakes head* Nope - instead another chef (M) (who get's along FABULOUSLY with E, I might mention) - who while he has been in the business for longer than C , knows a lot LESS than C - got moved into the position, and is now trying to force C to do menial stuff - that are not part of his (unwritten) list of job duties. In addition - as R didn't write down ANY of his recipes (trying to keep his spot safe) and C has most of them in his head - but as giving the exec recipes is not part of his job duties - he's not sharing them - more accurately, he's acting like he doesn't know them.

 

So. They fired the only person who knew all of the recipes.

 

They renigged on an agreement with the only person who knew most of the recipes.

 

The two people in the top positions at the resturant  hates C's guts.

 

C is leaving for five days to get married.

 

Somehow, I don't think that he'll have a job when we get back.

 

I hate the restaurant business. I really really do. I hate the 'gentleman's agreements' that seem to be rampant in this business that C keeps fucking falling for (my favorite phrase for any of his concepts is - if it ain't on paper & signed - it ain't worth getting excited over). I hate the fact that it's such a situation of backstabbing, powerplaying and grandstanding that seem to end up cutting out the best in both culinary and common sense while letting the lying weeds grow. I hate, hate, hate knowing that I will most likely NEVER able to be completely sure that he will have a job from one day to the next - esp. over some PETTY ass stuff.

3/18/04

*deep breath*

I won't get stressed. I won't. But!

1. I'm almost positive that my beloved maid of honor has been dragging her fucking feet on getting the flowers arranged. If that's the case - it's not that I would be upset - but if I get there and this shit is sprung on me - THEN, I'll get upset.
   


2. The chick who owns the art gallery that I would like the ceremony to be held at is TRIPPING. First - she has questions/issues - and in stead of calling ME - she proceeds to talk to a friend of my mothers, who then talks to my mother, who thn talks to me - the fuck? *sigh* She's now talking about (supposedly) upping the price ANOTHER 50 bucks (so we've gone from 100 to 350) and - she says that she wants/needs a deposit for the chairs (which were ALWAYS included in the price) and that we never set a firm date. THE FUCK? The date's ALWAYS been the same - she never asked for any money early - and gotdamn it why coud she call ME with this stuff instead of this bullshitly beating around the bush stuff? *deeeep breath*
   

So. Yes. That's been today. Ten days left. And nope - I won't be stressed. Either the flowers are there - or I'm empty handed. Either the place has chairs - or everyone has to stand. All that matters is that I'll be marrying my boo-boo. Screw the trappings. I have to talk to the officiant this weekend. *sigh* Soooo not looking forward to this conversation. I need an actor - someone who will say his/her lines, then sittdown and shaddup.

I feel MUCH better than I did yesterday - I think I was jsut TIRED. I went home, and crashed for about 4 hours, then woke up, stayed up till C got home and chatted with him (his job has more damn DRAMA than a soap opera! *shakes head* He want's to quit, (over some male pride bullshit) and I'm telling him that he can't afford to quit - so we'll see how that goes) and finally crashed back out around midnight. I feel - almost floaty today. I think I might make it here til 4 at the earliest - if I wasn't so BORED it would be much better - but this is one of our wiat periods in the hurry up and wait life cycle of this project. I could work on my website - but ehhhh. I haven't got THAT much energy.

I'm conisously trying to gain a LITTLE weight - my dress is the TINIEST bit too big, and I think that 190 should be a good place to hold my self at until after the shindig. I plan on selling the dress ASAP - as even if I was to get married again, I'm not wearing the same bloody dress, and my daughter can damn well pick out her own - no biters here.

TEN DAYS TO GO!

Urges

Drove past a BP today, noticed they have solar panels on top of their roof. Wondered how much it would cost to install solar panels on the roof of a house, and how much savings (monetary and evironmental) it would provide. *sigh* I want to buy a house.

 

But beyond that - before that I should say - I want to get married.  I don't know why, or what - but - I wanna be married to him.  Hm. That didn't come out quite right. I don't know why I have this sudden (okay - building for months) sense of urgency. I know know what's prompting this - need. It feels like a need. Like more than just being with him and married in all but name - I want the name. But - at the same time - it doesn't really matter to me - which is where the confusion is coming in. I think - just maybe - I want to get married, but I don't necessarily WANT to have a wedding. I think that might be what's causing me to drag my feet. I never really wanted a wedding. I just wanna get married, witnessed by the people I love. That's really it. I don't need a cake, a DJ, a big reception - though I'm such a clothes whore that I WILLL have the dress - or any of that jazz. I don't really NEED a maid of honor or man of honor or flowerkid. All I need is my mother, my grandmother, my brothers and my sister - and maybe my uncle. oh - and C. of course! And warm weather. And that's IT. Finito. Sum total. A resturant where we can all go out to eat after the 15 minute ceremony, and someplace where the young'uns can boogie after eating.

 

Dammit. We REALLY need to go to Vegas.

---

 

 

In other news - the ring is in process. I had to break down and get a new head (dammit!!) because no one was willing to risk the corners of the princess - of course, that also means that I might not have it in time to take it with me to Geneva. *sigh*  Ah well - I tried, yes? 

 

I didn't wash a scrap of clothing - I finagled it so that I could avoid the process until Friday. That required me going commando today - as there is just something super icky about being commado in jeans, while going commando in slacks just avoids the deadly VPL. So - maybe too much info?

Giving, Cooking, Moving.

So... I told C. that I'm going to Geneva this morning. He had a few vulgar words to say about EL's timing, and their raw power over their employees, but then he got over it pretty quick...so that's a relief. He did however say that he would have to give me my V'Day gift early (!!) so that I could take it with me. Eep! That means I need to get on the ball to figure out what the heck I'm going to give him. I'm thinking I might go with the naughty picture book that I was going to give him at Christmas but put on hold. :) I think that V'Day is a very appropiate time of year for that kinda gift, eh?

 

I already know what he's getting for his birthday - the Kid Buu Saga. *sigh* That man and DBZ, I swear it's scary sometimes. *grins* But what is he going to get me, that's the question?? I should take a picture of my birthday gift - it was late (per usual) but it's still lovely. It's one of those picture within a crystal thingies - the picture is of a bunch of roses with "I Love You"  underneath of them. He reasoning? He always gives me roses, but they die so quickly - so he wanted to give me flowers that would never die, like our love. *sniffsniif* I'm not a weeper, but I did almost tear up over that one. *siiigh*

 

---

 

I already know that I have to go out tommorow - two of my coworkers recently moved, and I've begged for some boxes fro them. They both live on the other side of town, and I'm going there tommorow to pick up the boxes. It's going to be a real adventure fitting all of them into my car....but I figure I'll save myself both a headache and a pretty penny when it comes time for us to move. If we move at all.... I've realized that if things work out they way I am hoping that they do, we'll be moving in early 2005 - hopefully out of In. alltogether. If that happens - does it really make sense to move to a DIFFERENT apartment for a mere 6-9 months? But then of course, the question is - am I willing to live in this apartment for any longer than I have to? </P>

*sigh* </P>

In other sorta moving related news, C. is once again on the job hunt. He still has a job, but he's looking for something more suitable for his experience. He had an interview last week, and then went and cooked for them this week, and it looks really good. He would be&nbsp; the Exec for a very nice bistro on the northside, and *sigh* it would be a GREAT job. He's also gotten several potential customers for his personal chef business that he is trying to start up. I'm excited for him, and intensely nervous all at once. If he get's this Exec job - he does NOT need to leave the area. And.. *sigh* I don't NEED to leave the area either, but - oh how badly I want to. How hard I am working to position myself so that I can. But - quite simply, I'm not willing to leave him. Period. And that - that scares the living dillylights out of me. What if it comes to a choice between his job and mine? Esp. considering that he job - his career - is what he plans on doing for now &amp; forever, whereas I'm angling to get OUT of doing what I'm doing ASAP. *sigh* And moving out of IN (almost no matter where) would position me closer to doing what I want/need to do. So. yeah. *sigh* It's all jsut up in the air right now, because he doesn't have the job... but - if he get's it. *sigh*&nbsp; I've mentioned this to him in a lighthearted way in passing, but... *sigh* I don't know what to think/feel right now.

Tugging on Hair

Argh. Okay. Something told me that I should have found a local jeweler that I could rely on rather than sending it back to the jeweler I purchased it from - but ah well. Jeweler email's me today, tells me that the setting is for an emerald, and while they COULD get the princess in there, of course it wouldn't look nearly as good as I want it to.

 

So - I'm trying to talk to the store I brought the setting from - and he is telling me that I should have included the measurements of my stone if I wanted to be sure that the setting would fit. Now tell me - if you advertise a ring that will fit a PRINCESS cut stone between 1 to 2 carats - why would I need to send in my measurements if that's TRULY what will fit? I was starting to get irate, so I got off the phone with him, but I am going to call him back. I a) want him to expressmail the RIGHT setting to my jeweler and b) reimburse me for the cost of shipping the setting back to him, as it is their fault that I got the wrong ring. *sigh* 

 

I wouldn't be so touchy about this - but I'm leaving the country soon, and dammit I WANT my ring before I go. I've already lost a week in getting a misrepresented setting and sending it along with my ring to my jeweler - I don't think I can afford to lose another week waiting for them to get their stuff together. Gah! If my jeweler tells me that he won't be able to get it done in time.... *sigh* what a waste of money.

---

 

 

Speaking of waste of money - *sigh* Remember how I was talking about C. telling me that on Sundsy we would go out and have dinner since I didn't feel like doing it on Tuesday when he originally asked? Well - we went out last night, had a lovely meal, and because he somehow 'forgot' that he had offered to take me out for dinner, I ended up paying for it. I don't really think I can express precisely how tweaked I was over that. *sigh* That was 90 bucks I SOOOO couldn't afford to spend - and I'm not sure if I'm more upset at him for assuming I was paying (after he said that he would) or more upset at myself for not picking up on the signals he was giving off that indicated that he expected ME to pay. *sigh* Or - maybe I'm mostly upset over the fact that he offered to take me out - an then in a matter of days totally forgot about it! yeah - I think that is what irls me the most - I was so excited about my baby taking me out to dinner - and here I ened up taking myself out to someplace that wouldn't have been my first choice to spend 90 dollars at - and as it was snowing, I even DROVE. *sigh*

 

So. It's going to be a tight next two weeks - when he gives me the money for the bills, I'm going to have to take part of it and go grocery shopping, then apply all of the rest to bills. Gah!

 

Oh well. Spilt milk & the like. I'm actually considering just sending the setting back, getting my money back for it, and trying again later. At least that way, I'll still be able to save a little this month. *sigh*  I'll still have wasted the money that I spent to ship my ring there and to pay for it to be shipped back - but I'll still get at least 80 bucks back from the whole deal.

Love Letter to a Snoring Man & Unborn Child

So - most of the day has gone by. C. is back - sleep on the couch again. I'm still here though - buzzed on rum, playing with my tongue ring, wondering if we are still on the right path. I can't doubt it though, simply because I'm so happy. I love him...without even the least hint of a shadow of a doubt. He IS my love.

Sometimes I wonder how I defined love without him. The looks he has on his face - the fact that I can truly understand him - even when I don't agree. I think sometimes that is a huge part of what is pushing me towards reproduction. I want to see what he & me are together, truly - together without a hope of never being together.

 

That's rather scary actually...I suppose that if I think of OUR children being that - an irrevocable expression of the best of the two of us - I am myself (hopefully) the best of my mother and father. What would I have been if my father had shaped me (actively) as much as my mother had? I'm granting him the option of having shaped me passively - shaped me by the very fact of not being there...but what sort of woman would I be if my father WAS there - shaping me by the effect of his personality??

 

Hm. Well - any way - I love him. Sleepy, snoring, sex-fiend and all - I love him. *gigglees* Truly - like a journal of old -  I do love him. And with a mature, level-headed look at it all - I'm going to be with him for the rest of my life.

 

Heaven! on earth. That's what marriage is. And because it's on earth it's not all perfection. Sometimes in blissful, sometimes it's painful - but it's always heaven. The - simple certainty of him BEING there - sometimes that's all that I need. :)

 

I should tell him these things - rather than telling ya'll. I should be able to express these things without the influence of alcohol - but at no other time am I so honest - with others or with myself.

 

*smile* I LOVE him. Like I would love a child of my flesh. Like I did love a child of my flesh. *sigh* I would be less than I am  - every day, all day - without him. The best sort of support is the one that you don't even realize you have.

 

I love you baby - today and everyday. *kisses* As cheesey as it is - you DO complete me.

---

 

 

In a slightly less disgustingly gooey vein of thinking (and WHY is my font so small??) I doubt that we will  go to see LOR:ROTK tomorrow. Somehow, the likelihood of ME awaking before noon (I won't even try to  blame it on C.) is low to nil. And as C. knows how much of a bitch I am when I am awakened early - yeah, just Joe's. Heh.  We came to an agreement - Joe's crab shack it shall be. Yum! Crabs & butter - Atkins heaven.

 

And yes - I would give up LOR:ROTK in order for him to see the RR on time. Okay - beyond anything ELSE I've said - that shit is scary. I'm not sure which is more scary - the fact that I'm  willing to give up what I would like for him, or the fact that I myself actually wanna see RR in some ways. :) yeah - I guess I'm not as bougie as Papi makes me out to be.

 

*googoo eyes* He's my baby. Mercy - that clears up in so many ways why babies break up relationships... the man goes from being the 'baby' to being the 'daddy' - what a huge leap in perception!

 

Yes - I do want to be a mother. *sigh* I dream it, I crave it - the challenges, the responsibilties - I just don't want to have to work for a living while I do it.  *laughs* C. asked me earlier today if I would follow him where-ever his career led him.  I told him I would - as long as I could either have a job that paid as well as my current one does, or he paid my bills. *sigh* That's all I ask - either pay me for being a dedicated mother, or let me free myself from the requirements of debt before I become a mother. Hm. Either or....I'd excell at both. I'd honestly be weepily, hopelessly, utterly traumatized if I had to leave my little one - I'd DO it - but oh! how unhappy I would be. I'd have to cosleep - just to heal MYSELF of the wounds from being away from my little one throughout the day.

 

Yeah - even love is limited by money. Cursed gold.

 

Or maybe I'm just deluding myself, and I'll be one of those mother who can drop the kid, and move on with my life without a hiccup at all.

 

Nah....I'm cold - but heaven knows little people melt every once of ice in me. *sigh*

Time flows ever on....

So... Today's me birthday.

This is the first birthday that I've felt time really slipping by - I feel like I'm looking forward to a wall in front of me at which my life 'stops' and I don't have nearly enough time between now and then to possibly fill my life with all that I want to do before my life 'stops'. Yet, at the same time - that makes no bloody sense  to me. I know that all of sudden at 30 I won't change into someone else. I know that I will still be able to do what I would like to do - hell, I might even be more able to do what I want to do.

 

Maybe it's the fact that the reviews of my life that I've done over the last few months, combined with this birthday are making me frustrated at the TIME that it will take for me to get where I want to be. I mean - I know what I want to do. I think I know where I want to live. I'm pretty darn sure that I know who I am (most days) and I feel like I'm forcibly stuck in neutral for a good period of time.

 

And then - I've absorbed so much of that stuff about a woman's fertile period of time. I KNOW  that we don't want to have kids anytime soon - unless something major & almost magical happens (please, Florence, please!) - it'll be acouple of years. And I want to have several bambinos - 3, maybe even 4....or more. And dammit, unless I have twins, I might be still gestating at 35-37. And - *sigh* I don't know if I want to be doing that. So - maybe more than anything...all of a sudden I'm looking at a shift in the 'timeline' I've set for myself - where suddenly my planned timeline is a bit longer than the time I actually have. And - while I can't plan or predict the future to a tee....it's - odd to realize that what I thought of as 'the future' is suddenly HERE.

 

Yeah - that's it. The future is today, and I'm not quite ready to move into it.