No, she's Poison Ivy - not me!

So, while I haven't been doing anything ACTIVELY about it (keeping in mind my pledge to not overwhelm meself) I've been thinking about all this land and what to do with it.

Our first - conumdrum is what to do with the yard. Hubster wants a riding mower (more for the cool aspects, rather than to you know - mow the grass) but we really don't have a spare 1500 laying around to buy something that we'll use about 15 times a year. That's what - a hundred bucks a use? Especially considering that if my garden/land plans go well, we won't NEED to mow the lawn in about two years. I'm thinking that a lawn service would be cheaper, in both the long and short run.
Then there is the fact that a lawn service would jsut mow down EVERYTHING, and there are several plants springing up in various places that I would like to hold onto. I lightly read about transplanting bushes and trees yesterday, just to be sure that my idea of rearranging the bushes we arleady have in more - appropiate locations would work. I'm guessing that I could do roughly the same thing with the plants that I want to keep. Of course, we COULD however, afford a cheap (maybe used?) walking mower - heck, even a self propelled one - but I really don't want to walk & mow that much grass (what a workout though!) and I know there is no way in sam's sunny hell C is going to do it.

Hmm.... let's see if I can convince him to just get somebody to come by and mow the lawn rather than investing in a riding mower. Man, I wonder if you can rent stuff like that - but then, it's not like you can just ride a riding mower from the store to your house. *sighs* This fellow did come around right after we moved in offering his lawn services. What makes more sense? Buying a walking mower, or hiring someone to mow for us? Depends on their rates, I suppose.

Edited: Or, we could get one of THESE badboys. He loves knives, this should jsut rock his world.

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I've also been thinking about plants - I want most of the plants to be - not maintence-free, but - natural. I'm very invested in doing permaculture on most of the land - largely because it cuts down on maintence, and largely because I've always wanted to live in a forest, and largely because I love for things of beauty to also be functional. Anyhow, being the outlandishly cheap git that I am, I have been trying to keep an eye out for native plants that are growing in - well, free areas. Like ya know, on the sides of roads, in abandoned lots and the like. I want natives because well - they're native. They know how to handle the weather, the rain, the bugs - all that jazz. I also figured that if I see them is those sort of areas, they are most likely purty dang - toughh - to be able to survive, so I won't be able to kill them off. The first one that I saw - and fell in love with - is the Silk Tree (Albizia julibrissin) which is not only one of the prettiest, most tropical looking trees I have ever seen, also not a native, and also very bloody invasive. dammit! Why must the plants I like be invasive non-natives? I love honeysuckle as well, and simply refuse to pull it down - non-nativity be dammed. Anyhow! I'm still rather guiltily thinking about getting just ONE for the deck. Gah!! So pppuuuurrrttttyyy!!
It's - funny - how few plants I 'know'. For example - the trees that Mr. W said were tuliptrees are NOT the tuliptrees that most websites show. No where near, in fact, which means it's gonna be fun going through my book and figuring out what the hell it actually is, and whether we really want to go through the effort of transplanting it, or if we can just take it out before building the deck. Poison Ivy? No clue. I saw something on the property that looked like mint - but plucked a leaf and no smell, so no clue. There are several plants that I 'recognize' but have no bloody idea what they are. It'll be fun going out there with my wildflower/native plants of Tn ID book and figuring out what is what. And of course - you've gotta catch them in flower to be really certain of what it is (at least, that's my take on it) and so it's gotta grow, and thus cannot be mowed. Blah! I wish we had a fence, so that the neighbors couldn't see - cuz it really doesn't bother me.
One of the bushes out front is in flower with these big fluffy bluish purple flowers - Hygredrea (or something along those lines) I think it is. Rather - ugly bush - in my mind, the flowers look so - fake - but eh. It's there & blooming.
Hah! Found it - it's this, I think.... but blue. That means that soil is acidic - which is cool to know - most likely from all the pine needles that have been dropping on the front lawn for - eons.

Huh - that picture is purtier than my bush. I'll definitely have to take a picture this evening - I also need to take a picture of the wildstrawberry that covers all the shady bits of the yard for a friend of mine. Hmmm... it says you can make tea out of it - Hydrangea macrophylla - I suppose anything you can make tea out of isn't ALL bad. Still funny looking.

bummer!! It's raining, and I'm not at home to dance in it. *pouts* Well, at least the everything gets some water - things have been looking purty parched lately.

Wunderbar Weekend

bah - back to work already????!!??

So - the weekend was wonderful!! I think this may have been the FIRST holiday weekend (in six years) that me & C actually both had off from work without using any extra days. We really didn't do much - Saturday, we exercised our brains and figured out timing and coloring for the redecorating process. Our goal is to stick to a set amount per month, and we had to figure out what we could do when - and what made more SENSE to do when - and check that against our rough numbers.  Him having this new job is really going to be a blessing.  Have a mentioned that I plan on quitting in two years? If all goes well - July of 2008 - I'll be quitting AND hopefully will be a mum too. Heh. Mum.

So - Sunday, we did jack all. *laughs* laid around the house, drank, played cards, TALKED (while we were both actually relaxed and awake). Sheesh, considering I LIVE with the man, it's amazing how much we miss each other.

Monday, we actually did active stuff - tore down 99% of the wallpaper in the library (there are a few sticky spots that are going to require personal attention) cleaned the house a bit, grilled out, but otherwise chilled. 6 hours of my day was dedicated to doing my hair (considering it ain't THAT long, I really don't understand the time factor - I mena, I know I have a lot of hair, but DAMN!). I also started looking into loc techniques again. *sigh* The only problem is, most of em ain't free. Though - there is a training session for one (that can actually be translated into a business) in August - but it's almost 2K! *sigh* But  - if we happened to have an exta 2K laying around by then (hey, Powerball, what's up??) then I might go.

Speaking of out of the ordinary/at home jobs - I was talking to both hubby and a friend over the weekend, and they both suggested that I would make a good personal money manager. Not - stocks and bonds and savings and the like - but just the normal day to day stuff for people who are trying to get out of debt. Kinda like a debt conselour, who not only pays the bills for you, but also creates your budget, and all that jazz. A money trainer, rather than a fitnes trainer.  I told them both that sounded like a swift route to being sued, but - it would be fun. I LOVE putting together money - on paper - in ways that let us (at least) continue to - LIVE - without sacrificing EVERYTHING.

That was part of what we talked about - Our budget/debt payoff plan - I always put them together, and run them by him, and tweak as needed. This time, I really think we might have it set - barring any major blowups in the next 6 months. *crosses fingers*

Um. Soooooo don wan be at work today. But - hey! at least it's a short week, AND I get paid tonight.

Whoohoo!

Paradise Gardening by Joe Hollis

Rather long article from one of my newsgroups, and I wanted to save it and share it. Enjoy, and let me know what you think.......

 

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We want to save the world, and we want to save ourselves. It's the same thing. The problems confronting us are enormous and at every level: personal, social, planetary. I will spare you a list. My aim is to suggest that they are all symptoms of one problem, and to propose a solution. 
The problem: to find a way to live on earth which promotes our health and happiness / is conducive to the full development of our innate potential, and at the same time, is "democratic", that is, available to all / not using more than our share, and harmonious with the biosphere's evident drive toward increasing diversity, complexity, stability. 
Our world is being destroyed, in the final analysis, by an extremely misguided notion of what constitutes a successful human life. Materialism is running rampant and WILL COMSUME EVERYTHING, because its hunger will never be sated by its consumption. Human life has become a cancer on the planet, gobbling up all the flows of matter and energy, poisoning with our waste. What can stop this monster? 
Nothing. Just this: walk away from it. It is time, indeed time is running out, to abandon the entire edifice of civilization / the State / the Economy and walk (don't run!) to a better place: home, to Paradise. 
1) Paradise is, first of all, a garden. A garden in which everything we need is there for the taking. 
2) And Paradise Gardening is a way of life which serves to maintain the garden, and is in turn maintained by it. Odum calls this the "ecosystem manager... an organism that utilizes a small fraction of the total energy budget and in return provides a service which aids the system in its function and continued survival." ( The concept "illustrates the ideal which man should imitate in his attempts to manage a natural ecosystem.") Genesis, with the characteristic compression of myth, says we were put into the garden " to dress it and keep it." Same thing. 
3) Paradise gardening is not work. Work is a subjective concept: one person's play may be another person's work. It has nothing to do with effort: tennis, for example, is usually "play" ( unless you're a pro), sitting at a computer terminal is frequently "work". Work is whatever you are doing when you'd rather be doing something else. Paradise Gardening is not "work" in the same sense that what a bear does all day is not "work". This is the distinction which the Taoists make between "doing" and "not-doing". Genesis refers to the same matter in saying that only outside the garden do we have to earn our living " by the sweat of our brow". 
4) Paradise Gardening is not agriculture. From chemical to organic agriculture is a step in the right direction, but only the first step. Agriculture itself is, after all, half of the one-two punch that knocked us out of Paradise in the fist place. (Good) farmers, to be sure, love nature: but they love her in the context of plowing her up every year and deciding what to grow next. Our addiction to annual species and disturbed habitats has put us at odds with the main thrust of the biosphere ( and ourselves). 

Oh, Earth is patient
and Earth is old
And a mother of Gods,
but he breaks her,
To-ing, fro-ing, with
the plow teams going,
Tearing the soil of her,
year by year.
Sophocles, Antigone 

Every spring, nature begins again to clothe the earth in beauty, the process of succession, the initial strands of the intricate web, rebirth of the Tree of Life. An every Autumn we scrape it off, rake it into barns, take it to market: we increase human diversity and complexity (butcher, baker, candlestick-maker...) by appropriating to ourselves processes which are meant to benefit all. 
Paradise is a habitat and a niche. Eliade refers to a universal "nostalgia for Paradise". Memories coded into our genes of our place, our fit. How, after all, does a bird (for example) select a place to build a nest? So many factors to consider (and such a small brain!). It just picks the most beautiful spot available. It was born with a "template" for Paradise. Concerning this the Book of Odes says "The twittering yellow bird, the bright silky warbler, comes to its rest in the hollow corner of the hill", and Confucius commented "Come to rest, alights, knows what its rest is, what its ease is. Is man, for all his wit, less wise than this bird of yellow plumage that he should not know his resting place or fix the point of his aim?" (Pound, trans.) 
Like any other creature, we are our niche. By our physiology and behavioral programming we are born to live a certain kind of life. Paradise is our birthright and our duty. 
Now, instead, we take up a niche in civilization. The premise of civilization is that if everyone is a less than complete human being (I'll be the brains, you be the back), it will be the better for us all. This insulting premise has guided us for so long that we are unaware of an alternative. We equate "making a living" with "making money". Thus we spend the best hours of our lives pursuing our careers, being part of the cancer. 
But everything needful to be completely human is available to us in the environment - the garden and the neighborhood. We can rely on the truth of this because "human-ness" is a creation of the environment, the most recent manifestation of a coevolution between our genes and all the other genes out there that has been going on since the beginning of life on earth. Much chancier is the possibility that everything we need to be completely human is available to us in the city, or through money. 
The last time we lived in paradise it was as "foragers": hunters and gatherers, omnivorous, opportunistic exploiters of a variety of environments. Specialists, not of disturbance but of diversity. 
This lifestyle has gotten a lot of attention recently ( at the very time that the last vestiges of it are being eradicated). The view that foraging is a superior (to agriculture) adaptation is now well established in academia and the same theme appears in popular literature (E.g. Bruce Chatwin, The Songlines and Varges Llosa, The Storyteller, both inspiring). 
A revolution in the study if human niche was prompted by the realization that foragers, far from living on the brink of starvation, as previously imagined, actually had more leisure than anyone else (Lee & deVore, Man the Hunter). Boserup (The Conditions of Agricultural Growth) suggests that there have never been any "agricultural revolutions", in the sense of a sudden invention of a great new way to produce food; but rather that increases in food production always come at the cost of even greater increases in labor (or fossil fuel) input, that the techniques were always well known to the producers, but resisted until finally demanded by the rising population ( or the demands of the upper classes for a surplus, a "cash crop"). "Agriculture permits denser food growth supporting denser population and larger social units but at the cost of reduced dietary quality [less diversity to choose from], reduced reliability of harvest [eggs in less baskets], and equal or probably greater labor per unit of food...agriculture is not a difficult concept but one readily available to hunting and gathering groups..." (Mark Cohen, The Food Crisis in Prehistory) 
Agriculture, in turn, allowed population to expand more rapidly. Any attempt to live a foraging life in the modern world would seem to be only an interesting but ultimately irrelevant exercise of the "historic village" variety. That "there is no going back" is merely a truism. What those who recite it mean to say is that there is no changing direction, progress can be only a straight line - from an original home in nature to a world eventually completely human, domesticated, farmed. 
At this point, I would rephrase the "problem" with which this essay began: How can we, with our contemporary tastes and population level, live and coexist as foragers (ecosystem managers)? "Caught in the devil's bargain", how can we "get ourselves back to the garden"? (J. Mitchell, "Woodstock") 
The strategy here proposed, Paradise Gardening, may be described as "intensified foraging". David Harris, in a series of papers, explored "alternative pathways to agriculture". Particularly valuable is his distinction between "agricultural manipulation and transformation...agricultural utilization may - and, if sufficiently intensive, usually does - lead to the transformation of a natural into a largely artificial ecosystem: the replacement of a tropical rainforest by plantation, of temperate woodland by wheat fields...But agriculture may proceed by a process of manipulation which involves the alteration of selected components of the natural system rather than its wholesale replacement- a method of cultivation which involves substituting certain preferred domesticated species for wild species in equivalent ecological niches and so simulates the structure and functional dynamics of the natural ecosystem". Harris has recently edited a collection of papers (From Foraging to Farming) which which further explores the emerging realization "that many 'non-agricultural' peoples were in fact engaged in intensive and sophisticated plant practices which did not fit our idea of agriculture". 
Our goal is to "naturalize" ourselves in the environment. This will involve changing ourselves and changing the environment: convergence toward "fit". Perfect fit means the free and easy flowing of matter and energy between ourselves and our environment; life lived as a complete gift - from the garden to us, from us to the garden. 
But that is in the future, what we need now is a process, leading to that goal, which is justified on its own terms. Focus on the ideal Paradise Garden will tempt us to take shortcuts, perpetuating the same old pattern of selling out the present for some imagined "better" future. "No act is good unless its goodness is seen in the immediacy of the act. An act which justifies itself by appealing to a greater good... all appeals to reason, expediency, and necessity, are appeals to the very force that wreck all ideals. One must have courage and be willing to take risks". (Wm. Thompson, Evil and World Order) 
Ecology teaches that a "pioneer" (disturbed) environment favors life forms that are fast growing but short- lived, wide-spreading, "greedy"- designed to capture the maximum of sunlight and unoccupied soil. But eventually they are succeeded by the trees, which, because they invest energy in making wood, grow more slowly at first, but are more stable, longer-lived, and finally faster growing, more influential, the "dominant species", towering above. 
We have spread ourselves over the earth, and used or burned just about everything that's easy to get. The age of the greedy ones draws to a close ( they don't know it yet). At last, we may hope, the "competitive advantage" passes to the practitioners of permanence, rooted-ness, slow growth and steady accumulation, the vertical expansion of the human spirit into realms uncharted, or long forgotten. A tree derives its satisfaction from the view achieved. 
The process of Paradise Gardening involves: 
-Extricating our life-support system from civilization/the Economy (bluntly, money), and reattaching it to the natural world of garden and neighborhood. This will be a gradual process requiring a real analysis of our needs and expenditures. Thus, for example, cars and gasoline are not needs but only the means to the satisfaction of needs. The solution is not gasohol but reducing the reason for traveling (usually the getting and spending of money). Concerning this the Tao Te Ching says "The country over the border might be so near that one could hear the cocks crowing and the dogs barking in it, but the people would grow old and die without ever once troubling to go there". (Ch. 80. See Needham, Science and Civilization in China, vol. II for a discussion of " the political program of the Taoists: the return to cooperative primitivity.") 
The key to the self justifying nature of the process is this: things made or done by professionals or machines may be technically superior to one's own efforts, but are generally lacking in a quality which following Castenada, I will call "heart". Satisfaction from things bought usually peaks at the moment of purchase and declines rapidly. Needs which are met by the interaction of ourselves and nature are more deeply met, and there are wonderful surprises along the way. The truth of this will be evident to anyone who has ever made anything "from scratch". What seldom occurs to us (Someone doesn't want it to occur to us) is that an entire life can be constructed on this basis. 
-The (re)integration of needs: not to the market for food, the spa for exercise, the doctor for healing, theatre for entertainment, school for learning, studio to create, church for inspiration, etc., but to the garden for all these at the same time. 
-Enriching the garden by naturalizing useful and beautiful species and learning to incorporate them into our lives. We begin , of course, with the present and potential natural vegetation, to which may be added species introductions from similar areas worldwide; then slight modifications of the environment - micro-habitat enhancement - and the resultant possibilities for new species: a palette of plants, a Cornucopia* never available to previous generations. 
A well-known biologist proposes "Planned biotic enrichment: It is within the power of science [you and me] not merely to hold down the rate of species extinction, but to reverse it. Among the principal topics of community ecology now under intensive study is the species packing problem...Theoretically, assertive equilibria can be planned that exceed any occurring in nature. Species might be drawn from different parts of the world..." (Edw. Wilson, "Applied Biogeography"). Wilson goes on to discuss " the creation of new (biotic) communities" and "ecosystem manipulation: the ultimate game... the very size of the world biota is itself a challenge that only generations more of study will encompass. The possibilities for ecosystem manipulation...offer creative work that is orders of magnitude even more extensive..." 
-Hand labor. We all have two hands, one lifetime, twenty-four hours in every day. These are "democratic" factors. Working by hand on a small piece of land we can create a Paradise with relevance for all. Money, machines can't get us there any faster, in fact can't get us there at all, lead us astray. 
We live during a narrow "window of opportunity". Having come, at last, to the realization that a revolutionary shift of consciousness and lifestyle is required, we find that we have only a few generations to do it in, before it will be too late to make a transition (environment degraded, resources depleted, species extinct, soils eroded/ polluted, population doubled...). 
Our enemy is a paper tiger because it can't deliver the goods. The world waits for examples; to be shown, not told, a better way. Paradise Gardening is vastly more meaningful than the "biodome" experiment, and anyone can play. 
We have been putting this off for too many lifetimes now. 
You see the beauty of my proposal is It needn't wait on general revolution I bid you to a one-man revolution The only revolution that is coming (R. Frost, "Build Soil") 
*Cornucopia, S.Facciola. Kampong Pub., 1870 Sunrise Dr., Vista CA 92084. Astounding new publication. Three thousand edible species, many more thousands of cultivars, sources of supply and information for each entry. 

http://mountaingardensherbs.com 
 

 

 

 

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This article was written about 20 years ago (which will account for a few dated references) - the result of several winter's reading with the goal of developing a philosophy to underpin the garden-making project which I had already begun. I don't have the heart to rewrite it, but in the interim have learned a few other things which bolster the argument, so I add them here: 
What drives (over)consumption? Civilization (in the original - latin - sense, from civitas, the state), mimics the natural ecosystem. Consider the 'trophic pyramid' - a large biomass of primary producers, above which a smaller mass of primary consumers, above that a still smaller mass of secondary consumers, etc. A lot of plants support a smaller number of cows, which support an even smaller number of lions...The civilized version of this has peasants and laborers on the bottom, above them succesively smaller layers of administrators and merchants, political leaders and capitalists 
Consumption (other than a minor component of 'basic human needs' - whatever that may be) is about defining one's place (status) in the hierarchy of civilization. Consumption is communication. I am indebted for this insight originally to Mary Douglas The World of Goods, but by now it's pretty common knowledge - certainly to marketers. And, of course, the old saying 'keeping up with the Joneses' concisely expresses the same idea. Still, it's useful to look at it baldly: consumption is communication, it's about saying who we are, our status, our affiliations. But surely there is a way to communicate that doesn't involve burning down the house? 
"Civilization originates in conquest abroad and repression at home. Each is an aspect of the other...politically 'weaker' peoples were confronted with a single set of alternatives...This historical fact [conquest] is then reflected as a law of development; as civilization accelerates, its proponents project their historical present as the progressive destiny of the entire human race... No matter how far we range in time and space, from Teotihuacan to Angkor Vat the tale is always the same...the history of civilization repeats itself not as farce...but as tragedy. In the shadow of this tragedy, the achievments of civilization are reduced to their proper proportion. They were intended for the use and pleasure of the very few at the expense of the skill and labor of the many..." Stanley Diamond In Search of the Primitive: A Critique of Civilization 'Primitive' people never voluntarily 'acculturate' (become civilized) - they've got too much to lose - but civilized persons, exposed to the primitive, sometimes 'go native.' 
Twenty years on, I still hold firmly to the belief that the best way to address global warming, diversity loss and other planetary problems, the best way to address war, injustice and other social problems, and the best way for humans to live on the planet to realize our full physical, mental and spiritual potential are the same 'way'. Mountain Gardens is an effort to act out this theory - we are actors in a piece of 'visionary ecological theater' 

Still here....

So, I'm still around, and actually still studying. I've backed off a little from jumping directly into the Netjer and the rituals, and am now focusing on the Kemetics themselves. As a culture, Egypt was - amazing. The longest lasting culture that we have any historical record of, and from start to end there was a rock solid base that remained ever constant. And their 'religion' played into that a good deal - but it's almsot unfair to call it 'religion'. It was - culture, moreso. It was life - it was the proper way of things, and therefore there was a very fine line between secular and sacred - and over the last 2000 years, that line is even MORE blurred.

Anyhow, I'm reading 'The Mind of Egypt' right now, and another very fluffy Egypt based book. IT's interesting though - I feel like I'm learning a HECK of a lot more (about myself, about my faith, about my Gods) by reading books that don't focus on the netjer and the temples and the rituals and so forth.

So. Yesterday, I actually WROTE IN A BOOK for the first time since - college? And I don't even think I wrote in my books that much then.

Whoohooo!!

Baby, can I TELL you how long this week has felt?? And how HAPPY I am that not only is tomorrow FRIDAY, it's also the start of a long weekend??

Let's do general updates, shall we??

Home: Doing good - got some elephant ears from the sister of a coworker, need to find someplace to put them. I understand that they spread (which always makes me giddy anytime someone says that -all that land, I NEED spreading things!!). Haven't touched the library since last weekend, plan on finishing the wallpaper this weekend. I think C is off, so it should be a quickie.
Got my books from bookscloseouts.com (more deadly than eBay if you love books) (I got 250 worth of books for 70 bucks - including shipping) and drooled over them for a while. Forgot about the Egypt book I got (The Mind of Egypt by Jan Assman) (hush! he's a well known Egyptologist!) which is a VERY dense, very intense look into how the Egyptians actually - ticked. What made them work. Is a DELIGHTFUL read (but VERY dense) - and I realized that a good bit of my problem is that I don't know HOW to study - I've literally never had to study for ANYTHING in my life. Ever. I was always one of those chicks who just rubbed the book lightly across my forehead and got a B. *shrugs* So - how exactly is this 'studying' thing done?
Anyhow - most of the books were good soild reference books - mostly on gardening and plant identification. Can I tell you - I was - quivering with excitement over the plant identification ones - just QUIVERING! And in the back - pictures!! With proper names for various leaf shapes, petal formations, and the like. Not saying that the whole BOOK isn't full of pictures (gorgeous, full color ones) but it's nice to actually know what the heck a bipartriate leaf is rather than squinting at itty bitty pictures of a leaf on a tree and trying to guess. The indexes aren't QUITE as cross-referenced and as detailed as I would like it to be - but oh!! Rapturous joy! I think this weekend will also involve me wandering around the outside of the house with a huge book in each hand, a pen behind my ear, a notebook clenched between my teeth, and many muttered curses.

Work: Arrrrgggghhhhhhhhh. *thumps head on desk repeatedly* but.... the new building is really nice. I need one of those above the desk mirrors though, because I HATE having my back to the room. Makes me paranoid and stuff. Two more years. That's all - jsut TWO MORE YEARS.
I realize one of the reasons that this job drives me so batty is because I don't feel - natural here in the least. I mean - maybe it's the people, maybe it's me, but - I feel VERY standoffish - just in general. I totally don't feel like I can be my slightly nutty, throughly opinionated, authentic self here. And I hate the fact that I suspect it's 'spreading' into the rest of my life. I really make a DAILY effort to shake this place off the second I slide into my car to go home at night - I do this for one reason, and as long as I put in my fair 8 hours here, the rest of my life is MINE.

Weight: *shhh* I weighed myself a few days ago, and had dropped two pounds. *snorts* I'm not getting my hopes up in the LEAST though, because I expect to weigh myself Sunday (that's the official checkin day), and find out that I've gained six pounds, as my period started today. (amazement and frank talk about womanbits to follow)
The wildest thing is though (which I was kinda aware of, but JUST confirmed today) is that I can TELL the INSTANT my period starts (assuming I'm awake) because I can FEEL the mucus plug just suddenly 'let go'. It's almost like a spasm, then suddenly my whole lower abdomen just feels heavy and FULL. It really FEELS like my uterus just filled up. It's rather cool, really - and I can tell that's when I first 'start' because I actually don't start really bleeding until 4-6 hours later - that pop is just the point where the pressure of the flow overwhelms my cervix. Gah. I really need to start charting - no, we aren't trying for kids NOW - but I suspect that in about a year or so we will, and I'm vaugely suspicious about my 'ovulation' and whether my girl bits work the way they are supposed to. I'm thinking about getting one of those ferny thingys (Where did you get yours from Anna??) and testing myself when I think I've ovulated, and see how on point I am.  Calendar wise, it's usually right on (or a little LATE in my mind), and general 'moodiness' wise it's right (as I tend to get horny as a.....goat) which lasts for about 48 hours, precisely. It would be nice if that IS when I'm ovulating - makes it much easier to time things.
In other weight/preparation news, I realllllly need to get a good multivitamin. I hate pills, can't swallow them, prefer liquid or chewables (or really, having a proper diet so that I don't NEED the bloody things - but, HAH! that's not gonna happen instantly). *pouts* I no LIKEY pills. hmm... something else to add to my growing list of things that I need to do....

Um. I think that's it for now.

Wonderful Weekend....

Soo... let's see - this weekend was QUITE productive - and I ended up with only two 'ouchies' which is remarkable for me - and only one produced blood!

Started out in the yard on Saturday - dug up a bunch of money grass (monKey grass, monKey grass - but hey, if it brings money, I'se happy with that!!!) by the front porch so that I could plant the herbs MsBella gave us (cuz I'm not even going to TRY your new name, missy!) and by yesterday they already looked better. *grins* We're cilantro freaks, so I had to firmly instruct C to NOT take the last little bit so that I would actually have something to plant.
And can I say, a birth ball is the PERFECT garden bench?? I was just close enough to the ground, and it let me scooch all over the place.
Ummm - I also ripped up all the carpet, the nasty decomposing padding, the scary tack rails, and the padding staples from the floor in the library. The backs of my thighs are rather vigorously commenting on my activities, but I'm telling them to suck it up!
I've got pictures, but haven't uploaded them to Flickr yet. I'll edit later with piccies.

Edited: Okay - couldn't get any good piccies of the herbs - they so small and green, and the room pictures with all the ick gone looks about the same as the first picture of the room I took so - no picces.

And - and! In some absolutely KICKING news - C got a new job!! He's officially the new Exec Sous Chef of the Hilton Memphis. Eeee!! He's making - oh man, almost 1.5 times more than he was at the Crescent Club, and he starts on the 5th. Doesn't that TOTALLY rock?? I'm so excited for him - and for our budget. I've done the calculations, and even including house repair costs, we should be TOTALLY out of debt by May. Isn't that just - *shakes head* I'm so happy/excited/gleeful it's scary.

We're moving at work, to a much nicer building, so the team room is kinda empty, and it's getting COLDER, dammit. I really hate working in the cold. I've got a bigass sweater, but I think I packed it. *slaps forehead* Durrrr.

I *heart* Freecycle. Really I do - I gave away a buttload of stuff, and am trying to give away the monkey grass I dug up. I just scooped up a bunch of old school/country living magazines, and I'm sure I'll get entertainment/pictures/good ideas/compost material out of them - one way or another, they are going to be used.

I'm back on the road to losing weight. I'm actually *gasp* going to try the EASY way, and limit calories (wine, wine, how I love thee, but why must you have so many calories??) and exercise. Stunning, right? *laughs at self* Anyhow, I'm FitDay'ing it, and eating whatever the hell I want to eat - I just have to stop eating after a certain point. It's the cheap version of WeightWatchers, yes? I'm planning on six week blocks, where I try to lose ten pounds every six weeks.

I've been doing well with my lists, and my studying, and such. I really need to get a whiteboard calendar, so that I can keep track of stuf without having to log into OD.

Umm, what else, what else?? I unpacked my compost this weekend too, since it was getting anty (eeww!) because of being too dry, so I dumped it in the area that the garden is going to be, and put somemore dirt on top, and then some plastic bags so that it can bake nicely. There was actually STILL earthworms in it, looking all plump and happy, so I'm thrilled with that. Also, in general, we've got some GOOD dirt. It gets a little claylike abut 8 inches down, but after a couple of seasons of mulching and compost it should be just LOVELY.

Can you transplant bushes?? We have a bunch of bushes that I LIKE (and don't ask me what they are, I haven't gotten my plant ID books yet) but I'd like to have someplace ELSE. I suppose the worst that could happen is I dig them up, and replant them, and they keel over and die. I'm assuming that should be done in the early spring ANYHOW, just before they start 'waking up' for the season again, so I've got a while to think about it/research it.

I got a hit from my doula webpage from a lady who just moved here, isn't pregnant yet, but had her first baby with a doula, and wanted to get in touch with a doula. She also wanted a list of natural birth friendly doctors - I asked A for a list, but she hasn't gotten back to me yet, and I'm trying to think of where else I could find the list. Ohh!! There was a really cool doula type chick at DotM - I need to find her email and ask her! She was - ah! she was apprenticing with one of the local midwives, and so I'm SURE they have a list of 'good' doctors...

Hm, hm, hmmmm what else?

Here we go again, gotdammit

I've been with my husband for a little over six years now, married for two. When we first got together, I had been purposely abstinent for a year, and wow - those first couple of months of sex were - stellar - out of the universe - totally amazing.
Since then, my level of sexual desire has dropped, and dropped, and dropped, and dropped - and his has stayed at the same redhot level it was to start with.
We have an almost PERFECT relationship - except for the fact that I MIGHT want to have sex with him once every two months, and he wants me in the sack three times a week.
We've argued, cried, I've gone to therapy (where the doctor basically told me to have some wine and think of England), and I'm at my LAST string.
We refuse to get a divorce over sexual issues, and we want kids - really, we click EVERYWHERE except for the bedroom.
My question is - is it - unfair of me to not have 'one-sided' sex with him? Has anyone else ever done that to save their relationship (have sex despite not wanting it) and gradually - gotten used to it? Can having sex, when there is no sexual desire, create sexual desire? Prime the pump, so to speak? And how long does that take? Will resentment build up in that period of time? 

And why am I so resistant to even trying? I've never been able to connect love and sex - in fact, when I was growing up, I was told that the fact that I loved someone was no reason to have sex with them. Now, I'm being told 'If you loved me, you'd have sex with me!' and I'm still reacting with resistance - but he's my HUSBAND.
In a way - he's right, isn't he? Or is that the root of my problem - I don't think that anyone should have the right to dictate my sexual expressions - including my husband - and if I give him that right, I'll slowly start to abdicate all of my rights?
Why can't I think of it the other way around - by GIVING him my sexuality - he'll GIVE me himself. Seems like a fair trade, but it seems so - manipulative to use my sexuality so blatantly to obtain what I want - a father for my children, a partner for my life.
But - as much as it - bothers me - as much as it feels like - an abidication of something I never really claimed - I'm willing to try. *laughs* Maybe I should read some GOOD submissive porn to get my juices flowing - which, I actually like - but I don't feel like he's strong enough to have earned my submission.

Quick Update

So - I came home, and promptly pulled up the carpet. I did remember to take a picture of the empty room - WITH carpet though. Interestingly enough, without the carpet, the room looks bigger.

Here - take a look and see if y ou agree.....




So - doesn't it look bigger?? I'm thinking that the contrast of the light walls and the dark floor makes it feel - roomier.
Also - the floor is actually in pretty good condition.....but - there is a gap between the baseboards and the edge of the floor.....I guess we will have to install new baseboards to 'hem' the gap. And - we'll need to install thresholds too....

This is gonna be SOOO purty!!!!

Surveylicious

Before I get started, can I just say how bummed I am over the fact that my iPod headphones are starting to get crackly? :( Booo. And of yeah, check out the color entry before this one.

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A is for Age:
I'm - 29. Holy shit, I'll be 30 next year! God! I feel about - 23? on good days, and about 45 on bad ones. How am I almost THIRTY with no kids? *sigh*
B is for Best Day Ever:
Like - best day of my LIFE ever? Umm.....Maybe the day I found out I was accepted to Spelman? I would say my wedding day - but that was so damn Hectic it's like - ahhh!! Only a weekly basis, Saturdays. Esp Saturdays that are part of a 3 day weekend.
C is for Career:
I'm a desk jockey, riding my chair to all ends of the interent. Oh, you mean what do I get paid to do?? I manage the CIF for an SAP R/3, APO, and SCM production system, as well as manage TPR's and USD tickets. I'm explaining it (or not) like that, cuz it's a pain in the ass to put my job into words that most people can grok. I'm a computer person, but I wanna be a midwife when I grow up. (aaakkk!! 30??)
D is for Your Dog's Name:
I am an unabashed cat person. Dogs smell funny.
E is for Essential Items You Use Every Day:
Everyday? Umm - Toilet Paper. Yup.
F is for Favourite Song at the Moment:
I think I'm still stuck on UnWritten by Natasha Bedingfield.
G is for Favourite Games:
Word Games, usually - I rock funky ass in Upwords, Scrabble, and Literati. I like trivia games too - I am the reigning "You don't Know Jack" Champeen!
H is for Hometown:
Ummmm - I was born in Washington, DC, and lived in 12 different states on the Eastern side of the country before I was 15. My mommy lives near Philly, and I live in Memphis. I don't really HAVE a hometown, but I claim Near Philly.
I is for Instruments You Play:
Umm - NO musical skills here. Okay, that's not true - I might have musical skills, I've just never tried to see. *firmly squashes the idea of learning drumming - I'm doing ENOUGH now. Maybe later though....... I like drums..... I've got a good sense of rhythm.....STOPIT!!*
J is for nothing, apparently, so I'll make something up. Jam?
YUmmmm - the best thing EVER - homemade bread, lightly toasted (in the OVEN - putting homemade bread in the toaster is a sin against carbs everywhere) smeared with a hiny ot f cream cheese and a healthy portion of strawberry jam. *ddrrrrroooollll*
K is for Kids:
Um - none? I actually don't have any children in my life at all right now - I've considered volunteering, but I can be a domineering biatch, and - I would always be very aware that I'm NOT their parent, and despite how much their blood might be screwing them up, I have to respect that parental right.
L is for Last Kiss:
This morning, after I scared the shit out of Hubby by somehow setting off the alarm. Oops.
M is for Mum's Job:
She works as a.....hmmm.... I think she's still doing inspections of group homes for the Mentally Retarded for the State of PA... because she's still in the field pretty often - so she hasn't been promoted to a deskjob yet.
N is for nothing, much like J, only N actually is for nothing, which makes this acceptable.
O is for Overnight Hospital Stays:
When I was born...and I'm assuming Mum had to stay overnight. (Mum is so british, isn't it??).
P is for Phobias:
There's really nothing I'm utterly terrified of. I'm not fond of spiders, but we've come to an agreement - if I'm in their house, they have the right of way. If they are in my house, they need to stay at least 4 feet away, or understand the concept of 'Shoo!!'. If they persue, they are removed with extreme prejudice.
Q is for Quote You Like:
When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be - Lao Tzu
R is for Biggest Regret:
18, three credit cards, with a combined credit limit of 11K. What the hell were they (and I) thinking????.
S is for Sex:
God, I can't wait til I hit middle age and that much vaunted sexdrive perks up, cuz right now, I'm about as sexual as a happy, faithful nun.
T is for Time You Wake Up:
During the week it's around 7am.  At the weekend it's closer to noon....sometimes 1pm.
U is for Underwear:
Ummm black bikini cut panties wit purty lil flowers and a white bra.
V is for Vegetable You Love:
Broccoli. How I love thee. Raw, cooked, garliced up, gently sauteed in butter over covered with cheese. Spinach is a close runner up.
W is for Worst Habit:
Perrenial procratination.
X is for X-Rays You've Had:
Ummm - a couple of dental ones, and I think I got x-rayed for TB before I started working at Lilly.
Y is for Yummy Food You Make:
Hmmm- I'm a damn good cook in general. My personal favorite is sourdough cinnamon buns though (and I wonder why my ass so fat?)
Z is for Zodiac Sign:
Capricorn, through and through.

Progress, progress....

So - quite proud of meself - I did what I needed to do yesterday (cleaned out the library, picked colors, studied) and I got to bed at a semi-decent hour. Now - I wanna show ya'll the colors, but Glidden's website is freaking Flashbased, and it's being a wonker as far as the color swatches go - but I'm going to try. And! I can't even buy samples of the paint. *makes face* Anyhow! The main color is Harvest Flame, and the accent color is Rapture. And it's going to be going in this room....

Purty, yes?? I decided to scrap the blue idea after seeing how the blue that is already in there LOOKED on the walls - this room only has the one narrow window, it's on the north side of the house, and there is a HUGE tree right outside the window that keeps it pretty shady. So - I wanted to bring the sun into the room. I need to take a picture of the empty room tonight so that I can keep track of the whole process. I think I'm going to rip up the carpet tonight.

 

---

 

In Oh-my-God-My-Ass-Is-HUGE news, I've come to the groaning realization - no, I've always realized it, but dammit. *sigh* I realllly need to lose weight. I know that working around the house will do jack shit, and so in the mindset of the current 'scheduling' that I'm doing in a last ditch attempt to organize my life and make better use of my time, I'm going to schedule in exercise. I - don't like working out when C is home, so that leaves Tues-Sat. I've given Wed & Thur to studying, so - that leaves Tues, Fri & Saturday to work out. I've got all the equipment - the only other thing I really would like to have is one of those stretchy band thingys....hell, I've even got an 'exercise' ball. As I was moving stuff last night, I had the computer blasting my RunGirl(v1) music mix - 2 hours of heartracing, assshaking, booty bumping music. I acutally worked up a wee bit of a sweat humping those boxes around (and occasionally pausing to do the bootyshake) - but more importantly, I can turn it up loud enough so that I can hear it in the exericse room - thus sparing me having to figure out a way to connect the iPod to the speakers in there (ie, buying some more electronic equipment). Ummm... what else?

Here's something 'fun' to do - can you tell the difference between a Geek and a Serial Killer?? Try it out here - leave me a note at let me know your score. I got 8/10 right.

HandyDandy

So, like I said I would, I've been focusing on the library. I went to Home Depot yesterday and scooped up - hundreds of paint chips. I mean - seriously, I grabbed one of the little thingys for every. single. color. Plus a buncha color books, and - this CD thingy that you can use to 'test' out the colors of paint in a room. I also scooped up a couple of plastic putty scrapers as I figured that they would be less likely to gouge hunks out of the wall than a metal one. I tested the wallpaper in one corner last night, and it peels off pretty easily. Besides for a reformed scabpicker like myself, it's - WONDERFUL *pickpickPullllllrip!* Hehehehe.

I've been thinking about colors too. So far, the two rooms that we've settled on colors for (the game room and the family room) have both been based on paintings/art. The game room is going to be red, black and chrome - inspired by a Scarface poster my husband has, and loves. *shakes head* The family room is going to be themed off of a matching pair of beach pictures that I got in the Dominican Republic - golds and browns and bronzes and rusts - which also nicely matches our furniture set.

The library is on the north side of the house, so it probably should be - warm colors.  I was thinking of a turquoise/royal blue/gold theme in there - but I'm thinking that maybe a rich reddish violet or maroon would be better to warm up the room a bit. Also, the paint color under the wallpaper is a pale blue - and it looks - funny. Also!! Why - oh why - is the paint textured on the wall? I'll have to see what it looks like once the wallpaper is totally stripped - but if I want to get rid of the texture, what would we have to do? Sand the walls? Sheeesh.

There's beige wall to wall in there, but it's on top of wood like in the main section of the house - so that is TOTALLY getting ripped up. At first, C wanted to keep the carpet (in case we wanted to read an the floor - which would most likely almost never happen) but last night he said he didn't care, so - it's getting ripped up. I don't know what state it's in, but - *sighs* I'm assuming it's going to need to be refinished and all that jazz - ooohh!! With the dark color of the wood, we'll definitely need something light on the walls to brighten it up. Maybe do the gold as the primary color, and use the turquiose as accents (on the walls) and drop the royal blue all together, and then the accents in the room could be mainly turquiose.

Also!! I've been rummaging around looking for cool bookcases (plywood/NOT particle board) and considering building our own once I saw the outrageous prices people wanted for bare freaking wood - and I found this on this ULTRA cool website.

And based on the directions, it sounds not only REALLY straightforward to build, but also something that I could get precut wherever I get the wood from. Also - it's light! It's not super heavy and blocky looking (as most of the other handmade/unfinished wood bookshelves did) and if we painted those the same color as the walls - the books would almost look like they were floating against the wall. :)  I was also considering getting some of the edge molding stuff and finishing off the edges of the shelves so that it looks a little - classier, I suppose. So, I'm happy with that!!

Tonight, I'm going to go home and do some studying (hopefully I'll be able to have some outside time before it starts pouring rain) and then move everything that is in the libray to either the dining room or the exercise room so that I can have unobsturcted access to all the walls.

Hmm.... what should we do first - paint the walls, or finish the floor?? If we have to sand the walls, we should do that at the same time that we sand the floor. Hmmhmmhmm.... I'll have to ponder that for a while - as soon as I look up refinishing a floor, and stripping textured paint off the wall.

 

---

 

 In other non-library related news, today is the Third Wednesday of the month....and the thrift store up the street from me sells EVERYTHING for 50% off on the 3rd Wednesday of the month. *swoons* I walked out of there with like 4 books (all about home repair/do it yourselfishness), a buncha magazines (landscape/decorating ideas) about 15 wooden picture frames that we plan on painting to coordinate with the rooms, and but black and white pictures in. None of them had glass, but at 23 cents each, I figured that I could figure out some sort of thin cuttable plastic that I can fit to each frame for WAYYY under a dollar each - as our original plan was to go to the dollar store and get them. Soo - Sqqquueeee!! And, I got a big picture frame for a poster of C's of the last day of some Cincinati staduim that he got signed by some baseball dude - he has two, but I could only find one frame, so we'll have to figure something else out for the other one. I also got another pyrex loaf pan for 3 bucks, and......I think that's it. *sighs* Soooo pleased with myself I am.

Overload, Overload

Things I want to do with myself.....

1) Finish my freaking doula training
2) Immerse myself further - and regularly - in studying Kemetism
3) Grow 60% of our vegetables and fruits and 20% of our meat
4) Create an extremely energy effiecient house
5) Decorate our house
6) Lose weight
7) Pay off debts
8) Honor my friends/family/husband better

I think eight is enough, yes? I've been quietly muttering to myself  for WEEKS now about how much stuff I want to do/learn/be involved in, and how I most likely need to actually set up a - class schedule for myself. Cuz see, I desparately require structure and schedules, because I'm naturally a mulitasker, and if I don't have things outlined properly before I start, I end up running around like a chicken with it's head cut off - bouncing fruitlessly from one thing to another. Of course, I'm also rather talented with self-sabotage by procrastinating dreadfully as I try to 'organize' everything before I'm ready to start. Really, does all of life require such a dainty highwire act?

Looking at that list calmly, I - I honestly don't even know where to start. First, there is knowledge, then there is application. Perhaps the first thing I need to figure out is a timeline for each one..... how long am I 'giving' myself to do this stuff? Then - maybe with that outlined, I can take a breath and realize that not everything has to be done at once. So.

1) Finish my freaking Doula training.
I've got the details of what I need to do written out already - and I believe that my packet expires in April of  2007 - so that gives me a pretty solid timeline - 11 months.

2) Immerse myself further - and regularly - in studying Kemetism
I - I don't know where I want to reach with this - I honestly think that this will be an on-giong path of study from now til - forever. Let's say that my timeline here is more on scheduled time - twice a week, after work.

3)  Grow 60% of our vegetables and fruits and 20% of our meat
Another relatively long term process. I'd say I'd want to be at this point by Harvet 2009, which really, gives me all of this year to prepare the ground and pick out viable species, and next year to start growing, Harvest(s) of 2007 and 2008 to really get into the swing, and hopefully Harvest of 2009 will have me at this point. Of course - this one alone includes so much OTHER side stuff - I really do need to write all of this out.

4) Create an extremely energy effiecient house
I'd like for this to be 50% done by this winter (the stuff that requires exposure to outdoor air like replacing/recaulking windows) and then finish it this winter (like reinsulating the attic and maybe blowing some cellulose into the walls).

5) Decorate our house
Bah - you'd think this would be the easiest one - but once again, it's so overwhelming that I don't know where to start. Actually, that's not true. I KNOW that the first room we will do is going to be the library - period. The next will most likely be the downstairs bathroom - but once again, there a bit of a learning curve - need to write this out in detail too.

6) Lose weight
Gah!! Consistent, on going, always - but it's really becoming - important. Not important - crucial. I don't know how much I weigh, I really don't WANT to know how much I weigh, but I can guarentee you that I could lose 100 pounds and NOT be considered underweight. That - I'm certian of, and it - concerns me. How can I live healthily, if I'm not - healthy? I'm - I'm really not interested on going back on Atkins, largely because - I want to focus on eating real food - not soy protien/whey powdered imitations of food. If I want bread, dammit, it's going to be homemade with a smear of butter and a dab of homemade jam. I don't think that's asking for too much - *sigh* I need to find a natropathic doctor too. But - I was talking about timelines. Hm. *sighs* yet another ongoing process. Let's say - by 2007, I'll have lost 25 pounds. That's a little less than a pound a week.

7) Pay off debts
*laughs* This is actually the only one that I'm pretty - calm and confident about. Our budget has been shot all to shit since the Amazing Race trip, and our move has totally changed the baseline outflow, and hopefully C will get this other (much, much, much higher paying) job, and well - I've firmly decided that we will at least get a bit of a grasp on our income/outflow by the end of the month, and most likely over the next month tweak it a bit - but I strongly suspect that we will be out of debt (except for the mortgage) by mid 2007, if not late 2006. Okay, late 2006 is a delightfully hopeful dream, but we shall see.

8) Honor my friends/family/husband better
This one is so vague - but it's ongoing, and it's something that I MUST do. I have to get better at not just creating, but nuturing the relationships that I start. I don't quite know how - but, this is something that I must figure out.  Gah. We aren't even going to get into my nerouses around interpersonal relationships. I need a good self-help book.

Hmm... I kinda feel better. Sorta. *sighs* Okay. The ongoing things, are automatically on my platter. Relationships, Weight, Kemetism, Debt.  Then the short term stuff - Library, Doula, Knowledge of Garden type stuff.  Then, the longer term stuff - Energy Effieciency, actually growing stuff in the garden.

Ongoing stuff.... Weight will have to be addressed daily.  Relationships will have to be addressed daily. Kemetism, two days a week - back to back days - so let's say Wednesday and Thursday. Debt, once a month - maybe twice - but it's on a weekend, so let's say Sundays.
Short Term stuff.... Library should be a two, maybe three weekend project once we decide exactly what we want to do to it. So, let's say for the next week, that's my goal - dig through all of those decorating magazines/get paint books/and put together a real deisgn for the room. Doula - I have GOT to email A - I haven't talked to her in a while *sheesh* because I really knew that for the month or two that I was house obsessed, I would be screwing shit up. So, I'll email her this afternoon....then find a farking childbirth class - even if it IS the one at Baptist/Methodist this weekend. Knowledge of Garden type stuff - humph - I'll write out the full plan later today - I have a couple of book winging their way towards me, and I need to unpack the seed magazines, which are hidden in the depths of the library somewhere.
Long Term stuff - The only thing I really need to look into RIGHT now are windows. *sighs* This is an old house, and I doubt that ONE window in this house matches any other window, so yeah, this'll be fun. I wonder how hard it is to replace them yourself. Based on DIY - it's not that hard - the hard part will be finding windows that match the house - I don't want ultra modern looking windows. *makes face*

It's interesting to me - how much stuff I've started to HAVE to write down, because there just isn't enough room in my brain for all of it. Gah, I've GOT to find a good doctor. *snorts* Of course, the likelihood of him/her being covered by my insurance is laughable, but - *shakes head* I'm so not physically well.  I'm seriously about to have to ressurect my daily planner. And - I had already said that I wanted a white board in the house to keep up with stuff.

The fact....

that I can be - and am - enourmously moody - troubles me. Okay...maybe not troubles me, but it - irks me. Yes, that's it - it irks me that one moment I can be cheerful and laughing and pleasant, and the next moment I feel like running away from everyone and hiding under someone else's desk or just crying for no good reason.
And then sometimes I wonder - huh, maybe the cheerfulness is just me faking it - me,  with another one of my onion layered facades, and that the inner bits of me really are rather melancholy and withdrawn and quiet.
And then I think - no, no! That side of me is just a side effect from growing up alone and mainly within my own head, and the cheerfulness is the adult, grown up, mature flowering me.

And I think that's where the - disappointment comes from. I'm disappointed that I can't control my moods - that I can't put my finger on what causes the sudden shifts, that I can't avoid the low points and walk around them like puddles in the road. And then, of course, the disappointment allows me to drift jsut a little lower until - sproing! Suddenly, I'm normal again - or at least doing a very good job of pretending to be.

And I think the thing that irks me the most is that really - I have no room to be - sad, to be down, to be melancholy. I have a wonderful, full life - it's not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination, but dammit, day by day it becomes a little closer.

So who is this girl inside of me with the permanently downcast eyes and constantly troubled heart? And how, precisely, do I excise her out like a bad spot on an otherwise perfect apple?

I don't know. I often think that sharing would help - but - I can't do that. I - I won't do that, because saying that I can't is - patently untrue. I could - but - I'm withdrawn. Really. It's not that I don't trust you, and you - and sometimes you - but it's just that - I don't know. It doesn't feel safe, it doesn't feel right, and I won't take the risk of being judged for the chaotic emotions I have that might only be true just then.

I insist to one of my friends that I don't need affirmation from others - that I'm self contained and proud and centered in my perfectly me self so much that I don't need others suport and approval to prop me up...and I do think that's true. At the same time - the disapproval of others tears me down in instants, and while those two things shouldn't be able to be true at the same time - it's one of the reasons that I'm so withdrawn - so hidden - so internal. I can't handle criticism. And if others don't know about me, they can't criticize me, and I'm safe and contained and - comfortable in my personally created walls of exclusion.

And there have been times when I've tried to break loose - to really just hang my belly all out and let the totality of me be seen by everyone I know - and it's the most terrifying thing I've ever tried to do - and I find myself withdrawing and retreating and growing determinedly silent so that I don't step out of bounds - the bounds that I think are there, but aren't brave enough to ever actually challenge.

I try to analyze myself, to stand outside of me and turn me over in my hands and see just what the hell is really going on inside and beyond all this *waves hands madly* other stuff that I've grown like calluses on my heart - and - it's been a part of me for so long that I really don't know - sometimes I really don't know who I am, at the very root - and more importantly, I can't figure out if anything is wrong with me. No - not wrong with me - just - is there anything - that - just doesn't fit. Fit in my own perceptions of me, of course.

And I think - no, I know - that part of the problem is that I have never been able to break through the fear and let any one person know all of me - not my mother, not my best friend, not my husband - because by the time I feel safe enough to reveal my chaos  - it's too confusing for me to understand, much less someone else.  I'm - I'm trying my best to be - determinedly blunt with the new people in my life - but - silence and omission are just as hard to overcome as a blurted truth that turns into a lie a moment later.

I'm - I'm not very  emotional at all - and - when I am being emotional I feel like I'm being buffeted by storm winds that toss my certainties and beliefs from one extreme to the other, and if I whisper a word of where I'm at the next buffet will make it a lie. So I am emotional in silence, waiting until my head has done it's last calculation and my heart has confirmed that yes, this IS it's final answer - and by that time, what I've vocalized and what I feel might not sync up and - how do you retract something that was once truth and now isn't - without showing yourself to be a liar?

There should be a word for that  - something that isn't negative. Nothing as unethical as lying, or as weakminded as wishywashy - but something that says - this is what I felt then, and this is what I feel now, and both of those feelings were completely true and completely accurate and I'm just as likely to feel an entirely different way tomorrow - and without pulling something out of the DSM-IV either.

*sigh* I exhaust myself! I want to be - but I don't want to be - normal - all at once, and then I realize that each and every one of us probably does the same thing and has the same fears and wonders and worries and onion skins and we each feel just as disconnected and removed and want ever so desparately to yank of our facades and dance freely - but we're too afraid.

And - I think what irks me most of all is that I suspect the fear is groundless, and I'd be just as loved and just as smart and just as much ME without all the onion skins - but - I'm still paralyzed by - doubt. By uncertainty. By - desire to fit in, desire to be included, desire to be normal.

Bah. I don't know. Really, I don't know. The whole world is frowny and scary and dangerous and just downright MEAN sometimes and - I'm not brave enough to go out with my bare skin exposed and be me.

Winding Down....

I love being alive - I feel like if I really keep my eyes peeled and my mouth shut, I can learn something new everyday.

The house - almost feels like home. We're working on getting it to smell right (I burn like 5 or 6 sticks of incense a DAY - but it's OUR house smell, so the more the merrier) and after a major unpacking/cleaning out/reorganizing of the kitchen, family room, and game room, I can actually go home, and relax without feeling the twitchiness of MUST.DO.SOMETHING!!!!

The deck (the one we plan on tearing down) is - oh wow, it's really so nice that I'm waffling about it. Because it's SO high up, it's really super peaceful sitting out there, and because it's on the south side of the house, it gets full sun all day - but of course, that's why I want to turn it into a veggie/herb garden. I don't know....I sat up there for a while yesterday (freezing my tushkies off in the process) sipping on some wine (must get liqour for the weekend!) and reading one of the garden books I picked up from the library.

Being the ever so anal, Excel-loving, listmaking Capricorn that I am, I'm trying to figure out the most efficient way to organize, track, and prioritize everything that I/we want to do to the house. I'm thinking an Excel Spreadsheet - or maybe I'll do it the old fashioned way and use a notebook, assigning the front and back of a page to each task. Hmm.....but then, how would I prioritize? Maybe a three ring binder would be better - with the little folder/holder inserts in them to tuck printouts and scribbled notes and the like. Have one section of Easy/Cheap stuff, another section of Weekender Projects, and another section of Major Rippage. I've already got a 30odd item listing of stuff that needs to be done as it crosses my mind. I also swung by the library last night (I LOVE exploring new neighborhoods! - there's a huge super Kmart right across the street from the library. I considered picking up some tomato plants from there, but I reigned myself in) and picked up a couple of home repair books, and a couple of Southern Gardening books. Both of the gardening books I simply MUST buy, and two of the home repair books were REALLY good - including Home Depot's. Our agent gave us a 50 dollar Home Depot gift card, so part of that will DEFINITELY be going towards the book.

I love the public library - I think that having a library card is one of the most important stes towards becoming TRULY educated. I *hangs head* am SO bad at getting things BACK on time (though, with a library 5 minutes away now, I should get better!) but I consider every fine a donation to the library - because - *shakes head* seriously, I consider it invaluable! I was able to 'preview' several books, and decide if I actually wanted to buy them, or if they were too general - or whatever - for FREE!!

Ohhh... must start a house related booklist too.

I think that I'll unpack the library this weekend. C's car window fell off of it's track, and so he's going to be using my car over the weekend while his is in the shop - so I have to plan out what I need to get. Hmm.... might should go grocery shopping tomorrow morning, which means I'll need to make a list out tonight. And I'm going out tonight to get the replacement parts for the washer faucets, , and a toolkit, as our's vanished during the move. It's most likely tucked inside or behind something, but I need that now. Crap, I actually need to get that before I go home *frowns*, and some heavy duty gloves so that if I decide to start pulling junk out from around the edges of the yard, I won't tear my hands all apart It's supposed to be REALLY nice tomorrow, so I most likely need to make use of that time.

I think the full moon ritual is this weekend - bugger! C has the car, so I won't be able to go - *pouts* Ah well, there's always next month. And since I have a house and a yard and the like, Hell, I can do my own. Just have to wait til the sun goes ALL the way down to avoid mosquitos - the bloodthirsty little bastards.

Being in this house has really shown me how much stuff I DON'T know. I've always prided myself on being a repository of general information - little shit on lots of topics. But being here jsut opened a window to a HUGE list of stuff that I know jack SHIT about - like plant identification. I know what a wild strawberry looks like, and a pine tree (but don't get me to lying about what KIND of pine, or even if all the trees ARE the same kind of pine) and trees? Phhft. I recognize the maple (largely because of Canada's flag) and I know which one is a fig tree and which one is a apple tree (cuz Mr. W told me) but other than that? *shrugs* No clue. I'm sure we've got all osrts of beneficial/need to stay wildflowers and herbs growing - but dude, I wouldn't know up from down in that yard. And then there is all the internal stuff. How to you stop a leak? What tools do you need to fix a rattly fan vent? What's the best biodegradable cleaning products? What's a cheap place to get paving stones/bitsy rocks? *blinks* 

It's amazing and exciting (cuz I LOVE learning) and hugely freaking overwhelming all at once. So sometimes, I jsut need to take time out, and sit, and admire the wonderful little section of Earth that is ours, and CHILL. Heh.

And Dude! I've got a lot of hair! *LOL* I untwisted the twisties (cuz they were starting to get fuzzy after a week of sleeping/wetting/scarfing them, and I've got just like - hair EVERYWHERE. I didn't expect it to be so, so - expansive. It's like - POOOF. It's still soooo dry though - Ah! I need to go to the Beauty Supply spot and - ah! Sears should have a good toolkit if I can't get one at the local hardware store - but I need to go to the Beauty Supply store and get some moisturizer for my hair. And maybe a deep conditioner too....cuz my hair is PARCHED from the chemical fandango I put it through. Thankfully, because the locs actually DID protect the ends of my hair, this head of hair is most likely the healthiest I've ever had - I don't have a SINGLE split end - and I want to keep it that way. *scratches head* It's so cool to have hair again. Remind me of this when I start bitching about it in about a month or two.

It's interesting, the new things I'm noticing as gas prices are going up. Have ya'll noticed how many car commericals now specifically FOCUS on the milage. Have you noticed how the H3 commercials seemed to have vanished? It's interesting, but I've always considered advertising a sign of the times... by the time a concept/issue has hit Madison Ave, it's something that it - identifiable and relevant to a large sector of the American public. I haven't seen many commercials that definitively mention peak oil - besides a couple of cool ones on MTV, and the creepy ones from the oil companies - but you can see the shift slipping into everyday life.

I'm happy, and content, and life feels - full.

I've realized, recently, how little I talk about C on here - and usually, it's not consious, but I am VERY consious of his privacy - I can lay MY guts out here online for all ya'll - but his guts are his business - until he drives me up a proverbial wall of course. *sigh* Men.

Mmmm, Mmmm, GOOD...

So - doing the letter of the alphabet thingy. The rules are - someone gives me a letter, I write out five words that mean something to me that starts with that letter, and then anyone who asks for a letter in my notes gets one.

Temmykerryboombahtastic gave me the letter 'M'

Money - Ah, how I don't have enough to quit this hateful, dreadful, soul sucking job and play in my garden. Bleh. Money - how it's really a cheap and easy way to carry around my life energy. Money - how it smells so PURTY.

Men - mainly my husband and two of my good friends. All three demented, all three I love, all three drive me farking BATTY.

Mousse - how I think I need to find some for black girl hair cuz my hair is all sexy when it's damp, and then get's BLEH once it dries. Fun to play with, but still. I could use the jerrijuice but *shudder*
*starts singing* Just let your sooooulll GLOOOOOOOOOWW!! (14 points to anyone who knows what movie that comes from)

Mother's Day - I'm actually getting my cards out EARLY this year - which almost never happens. I mean, never. Of course, I left my wallet in the car, so I'm going to have to pull over somewhere and find a mailbox, and well - hopefully they will get them on Saturday. or Monday. Close enough.

Moon - It's almost a full moon again - we can see the moon from several windows in the house, and it's SOO cool and purty. I'm waiting for a clear night so that I can go out and see how many stars I can gander at.

 

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Work - ARGH. Sometimes, I feel bitter because I don't have enough to do, then othertimes I feel guilty because I'm wondering how much I am missing/forgetting to do and it's a lovely, horrid, cycle. I want a farking PROJECT already, dammit.

House - Lovely! Unpacked my clothes last night - was lucky enough to hit the box with my summer clothes in it on the first try. I have a 20something item list covering the stuff that we want to do in the house - from the big stuff like replacing the windows, to the little stuff like switching the light bulbs to more energy efficient ones. It's still missing stuff.

Life - I waste way too much freaking time - doing - nothing. I mean - there's nothing wrong with doing NOTHING as long as there ain't nothing that needs to be done, ya know? I've been kicking around the idea of setting up a schedule for myself (I need schedules - I crave schedules) so that I can learn all the stuff that I want to. Really, what I need to do is turn the fucking TV off!! God - it's such a time sucker.

I think I'll set up the stereo tonight. Our house is so quiet, that if there is nothing else going on - you can hear the LIGHTBULBS. I shit thee not. It's rather amusing.

Piccies (of parts the many)

So, after the yahooPhotos! debacle, I'm trying Flickr instead. They've got an upload tool, the netnanny doesn't block (photobucket must have some NAUGHTY piccies) and the url LOOKS static rather than dynamic. I never figured out how to use the photobucket thingy anyhow.

Sooooooooooooooooooooo.............................................

Let's do the damn ting, ya??

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So - this is the road to our house - I just wanted to show ya'll how RURAL this road looks. Thank heavens Memphis doesn't get that much snow.

Now - turning into our driveway which is on the left of the road. The house is set about 150 ft back from the road - so you can see the lovely open area in the front that is surrounded by trees. I'm thinking about seeding that area with tall flowers - wildflowers and sunflowers and the like. The driveway is gravel - C keeps mentioning blacktopping it, but I like the gravel - it's more natural and flows better. The blacktop would be a big black divider in the middle of the yard. Eech.

This is another picture - straight across the open area. You can see our neighbors (they are getting a new roof, I think) down through the back. I think our land stops right at that lightpole. That's a Tulip tree in the middle of the yard - apparently, they are supposed to be REALLY pretty when they bloom.

Here's a good shot of the front of the house - that front door that is hidden behind the tree there will most likely almost NEVER be used. There's a nice little foyer in there though - we'll have to make some use of that. I'd like to start pointing out the pink accents that are scattered throughout the house now - The roses in front of the house? Pink. The steps? Pink. The shutters? Pink.

And here's the south side of the house - that door there is the one that we use the most often, being right next to the carport and all. Those steps back there go to the deck, which is almost the same height as the carport roof, so you can't see it very well. That's the deck C wants to tear down, and while I LOVE how high up it is - and very private - perfect for suntanning! - I want to make that area right there a garden, extending away from the house. The garage is behind that, and behind the garage is a pole barn.

And this is the north side of the house. Our land goes about to the line of bushes to the right, I think. The baywindow & airconditioner that you can see on this side of the house is in the bonus room upstairs - we'll see that from the inside later.

This is behind that first row of bushes coming out from the house - that's a FIG tree right there in the middle!! I love the way that they made various little 'private' nooks and crannies with the bushes. It's very cool. You can see the garage windows in the back, and the pokeyoutty bit from the house is the family room and game room.

This is a good view of the 'polebarn' as I like to call it. I think if it gets cleaned up and leveled a bit, it'll be a nice outdoor workshop. Kindly ignore the loads of junk and so forth that are scattered about - they are remains from the previous folx, and well.... I wonder how much it costs to rent a dumpster?

Giovanni was chasing after me (and himself, and everything else) while I was outside taking pictures. Is there ANYTHING cuter than a full grown, enourmously fat cat, kittenrunning through the grass?? Nope, didn't think so. I missed that picture (dang it!) but got a fuzzy closeup of the furball - who LOVES the house.

Okay! Here's a full view of the back of the house - I'm standing about in the middle of our back'yard' - once again, ignore the lumps of wood and the like. Sheesh, I would be bitter if the man wasn't an Elder.

The back of the yard - I think I'm standing right to the side of the polebarn.

And this is the open area on the south side of the house. I'm seeing fruit trees and other wonderful growing things over here. The garden is going to come out right in front of that line of bushes. You can see the edge of the railing to the deck in this picture. The dead tree leaning on the polebarn is apparently black walnut - we are SOOOO selling that!

Finally, back around to the front of the house - see where the deck is? That's going to be where the main garden goes - I THINK there is dirt between the slab of the carport and the slab of the garage. Our friend the grill (which, if I recall aright, was used before the oven!) and the main door of the house.
That enourmous plant there (concealing my open car door) is something called 'poke salad', and I hear it makes good eating - BUT! - I've also been told to only pick the baby leaves, and to dump the water three times before eating because it's toxic. Um, no, I think I'll stick with the dandelions.

Standing in the same spot, this is a shot to the front of the house showing the neighbors across the street. What's the rule for moving into a new neighborhood - is it cool for me to just swing by and say hi and meet the folks, or should I wait for them to approach me?

G finally got tired of chasing me around the yard, and settled down into his favorite chill spot under the steps to the deck. Dammit, I KNOW he's going to lay in the garden, the little bugger.

Okay - so now that we've been all around the inside, please do, come in!! I took these pictures Saturday, I think - so forgive the boxes. ;)

Standing inside that door, this is the family room. 14 points to anyone who can tell what I was watching on TV. By the by, these pictures were taken the same DAY as the outside pictures, but a shower and a wee snack came between. Looking through the door to the back, that room is the game room. The door with the towel on it is the door to the downstairs bathroom.

Turning to the right, you'll see a big ole door, and looking through the door, there's the kitchen. On the other side of the kitchen is the formal living room....we'll go there later. Those double closet doors conceal the laundry room (with the leaky washing machine facuets that I PRAY my hubby fixed BEFORE he washed clothes). And hey! There is our newly installed Brinks panel on the wall too - I've already set it off twice opening the main door and forgetting to deactivate the alarm.

Okay, now we are going to walk into the kitchen, and look to the right. Here we see the lovely bay window and built in corner shelves that were painted a hideous green. Ya know, I'd actually prefer the pink.

Looking to the left from here, you see the rest of the kitchen. The stove and the gap for the fridge is offscreen to the right, and you can see 1/3 of our temporary fridge (the white styrafoam cooler) on the floor. The door with the towel rack on it that you can see through the door of the kitchen is the OTHER bathroom door. Same bathroom, two doors.

Walking through the door opposite the one we walked into the kitchen through, we are in the formal living room (or, the room with the fireplace). Please ignore the PINK drapes. You can also see the corner of the fireplace surround on the lower right hand corner of the picture - ALSO pink. That door there is the never used front door. The window is this pretty cracked glass mosaic.

If we make a left in this room, we end up in the 'formal' dining room. It's really just the dining room, because there is no other dining room - though we will most likely do most of our eating at the kitchen table (no, don't go back and look, there's no table in the kitchen YET). This picture is to try to show off more of the pink fireplace, and the rockin ass mirror over the fireplace. Isn't the pink border around the room just LOVELY? And despite the wallpaper in the living room LOOKING pink - it's (shockingly enough) actually not - it's a funny shade of brown. Probably pinkish brown.

This is another picture of the dining room - I wanted ya'll to see the matching chandelier and wall scones. Purty, ain't they?? The previous owners were also very short, as almost every light in the house demands that you either be under 5'5, or that you walk around it. The open door to you left goes into a little - vestibule type area - and the corner of brown to the lower right is the bottom step to go upstairs.

See - steps!! We aren't going upstairs just yet though. (More Pink)

Hook a left, and go through the open door in the dining room, and we are in the vestibule area. (More Pink) Directly ahead is the bathroom, to the right is the library, and to the left is the kitchen. The little cupboard on the right is going to be the linen closet.

Making a right, we are in the library. And yes, every single ONE of those boxes holds books. Well, okay - there are a couple of boxes of magazines in there too - but mostly books. And yes, the wallpaper in there has pink flowers.

If you step into the library and make another right, you are in the exercise/spare/ironing board room. I was considering using the space under the stairs as a storm shelter, but the only one who could fit in there comfortably is G.

Okay, walking out of this room and the library, we are back in the vestibule looking into the kitchen. You can see the other 2/3 of our temporary fridges in the form of blue coolers, and a 3/4 empty bottle of tequilla. UUUmmmmm..... Tequiilllllaaaaaa....... *sighs at the pink*

Okay! Making a right from the vestibule, we are in the bathroom. It's an odd little room, but it's bigger than it looks. Shower to the right, sink to the left. The sink has a cool three sided mirror thingy on it that rocks socks. Through the open door in the back, you can see the window to the game room.

Now, if we walk into the game room, we can see the bootleg computer set up in the corner (cuz I'm addicted, yo!)

Off to the right, there is this funny closet typethingy - known as either the file closet because of the huge old school 543 pound file cabinet in it, or G's closet, due to the presence of food and litter box. There's actually a skylight in there, as the back section doesn't have electric, I don't think.

Okay - back into the game room, we look out of the door (the one that doesn't lead to a bathroom or a closet) and voila! We are back in the family room!

Okay, now it's time to go upstairs. I cut through the bathroom, cut through the vestibule, cut through the dining room, and head upstairs. There are two cool windows in the stairwell - one to the side, and one at the top of the steps.

Now, we are in the bonus room. I'd like to note that all of the clothes belong to the male half of the inhabitants of the house - and not the male with fur, either.

If you look to your right, you'll see the bay window and A/C unit we saw from outside. That unit is our only source of cool area, but luckily, it has BEEN pretty cool for the last few days. I've actually considered turning the heat on. Brrr.

Now, the bedroom. That closet door in the back contains yet another closet, and that closet holds the water heater. And hey - another cool ass window! The 'master bathroom' door is tucked in the corner closest to the front of the picture on the same side as the closet.

This bathroom will be our first major rip out walls, taking names and debt on renovation. It's supposed to be the master bathroom, and dammit, I want a roman tub!! We'll have to sacrifce some of the closet in the bonus room, but hey - it's worth it. The current tub is an old school claw foot tub - currently occupied by our waterbed mattress - *sighs* - because hubby thought that our discussion about getting a new frame meant that we should LEAVE our old frame. Yeah. Men.

There's a cool window in here to, as well as more pink love. Can I share a horror with ya'll - the ceiling? of this bathroom? Covered in the SAME wallpaper. The CEILING ya'll!! Can I get a break?

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So - thus concludes the house pictures. I'd now like to show ya'll some pictures that demonstrate the amazing transformation that is part and parcel of becoming a homeowner and moving within the same week. Now - to let ya'll know - when I'm stressed, I pick apart my locs. And every May - without fail - I do something radical to my hair.

So.

Before moving - looking like who did what, and Why, dear gods, WHY????!!??

After the move - looking like gravy that belongs on a biscuit (okay, I'm picking up WAAAYYY too many southernisms)

Rowr!

a) No, I actually didn't cut any off - as I picked apart my locs, I realized that MOST of the length was old shed, dead hair - which I suspect is why my locs lost all their luster.
b) It's red. RED. I was blond for a second, as that is the only way I can ever really get RED hair - but year, it's - RED. I need to shampoo it this weekend and see if it needs an extra batch of dye. My hair is strong, stuborrn, and very chemical resistant.

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Just for Egocentric -

I invite all ya'll back downstairs, where we can stand around the boxes and the debris, and pass around two pitchers - one with sweet Tea, and one with Long Island Iced Tea - *grins* Take ya pick!!!

And, I'm done!

I think my brain's going on strike....

I don't deal with shakeups well - too much stuff in the air makes me frantic, and tired. Therefore, I think that my brain wants to go on strike (jsut for a little while) to ignore all of the stuff that needs to be done (at some point in time) and decisions that need to be made (but won't be made right now).

Anyhow - I know all ya'll really want are pictures, right??

Well...

Dammit.

Photobucket is still blocked by the netnanny, so ya'll will have to wait til tonight, once I get home.

We've got a fridge though, so grocery shopping might need to be done first. Bleh.

Cuz I know ya'll want to be skrippers too!

See what your stripper name will be, and share it with your friends:

A. Follow the instructions to find your new name.

1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:
a = Fantasia
b = Chesty
c = Starr
d = Diamond
e = Montana
f = Angel
g = Sugar
h = Mimi
i = Lola
j =Kitty
k = Roxie
l = Dallas
m = Princess
n = Heidi
o = Bambi
p = Bunny
q = Brandy
r = Sugar
s = Candy
t = Raquelle
u = Sapphire
v = Cinnamon
w = Blaze
x = Trixie
y = Isis
z = Jade

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:
a = Leather
b = Dream
c = Sunny
d = Deep
e = Heaven
f = Tight
g = Shimmer
h = Velvet
i = Lusty
j = Harley
k = Passion
l = Dazzle
m = Dixon
n = Spank
o = Glitter
p = Razor
q = Meadow
r = Glitz
s = Sparkle
t = Sweet
u = Silver
v = Tickle
w = Cherry
x = Hard
y = Night
z = Amber

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:
a = hooter
b = horn
c = tower
d = fire
e = thighs
f = hips
g = side
h = jugs
i = shock
j = cocker
k = brook
l = tush
m = sizzle
n = ridge
o = kiss
p = bomb
q = cream
r = thong
s = heat
t = whip
u = cheeks
v = rock
w = hiney
x = button
y = lick
z = juice

 

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In house related news - I shockingly enough managed to fit the ENTIRE remaining contents of the apartment into my car - including, I'd like to add, a MONDO sized bag of compost. Only one, dangit, but I'm happy.

I'm taking a quick direction finding break before I go to Sears and order the other fridge, and I HAVE to find a Sally Beauty - a sister needs some dye and some shampoo!! And we need a new shower curtain, and a new shower curtain rod... and..... I think that'll be in, and I'll finally be in for the night.

Ya know, at one point, I was actually considering WORKING today? What sort of crack was I on?

Pictures!! I didn't realize that the camera I'm using (Thanks again Ms. Bella!!) takes double A batteries, and I was rather puzzled as to why I couldn't charge it. *makes DUhhhhh face* So - I'll pick up some batteries too, and pictures should be coming!

Okay - leyt me go before I get TOO comfy.

Ciao, Bellas!!