Popping In

Out of the damn workshop/torture session I have been in all week, wanted to note down some thngs really quickly.

*Chef may actually force me to open up more than I ever have before. I'm not sure whether to be scared or happy.
* I am broke...again. Hopefully I will have a second job in a month though, and it won't be quite so bad.
* My mommy came, and left, and we had lots of fun, and I spent too much money, which is why I am broke.
* My period is almost a week late, BUT...I'm not pregnant. I am going to make an appointment with the OB/GYN next week to figure out what kind of secondary birth control will be best. I am considering getting a diaphram. However, I was really freaked out for a while there
* I want to start taking pictures again. How many times have I said that?
* I have GOT to lose some weight. Exercise calls me.


Well... That's it for now... I have been going through most of my favorites, leaving notes here and there. *sighs* Back to work...

A Fairy Tale for the Assertive Woman of the 90's

Borrowed from Cultured Pearl
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so." That night, as the princess dined sumptously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought, "I don't fucking think so."

Still Motion

I don’t know how aggressive to be in my life. I don’t know where I should draw the line in my work, social or love life. Where is the point when it is no longer ‘being nice’ and ‘getting along’ and turns into me being a silent doormat? I have hard time drawing limits in my life, because I don’t want my intentions to be perceived wrong, and silence can be perceived as so many things to different people. *sigh* Sense? No… okay.. two situations:
1) work. I am going CRAZY…. And I am really unsure of how aggressive I can be. I am learning, slowly slowly slowly, but I KNOW that my skills and my intelligence are not being used or taxed to their fullest. Is it appropriate for me to just roll to my boss and basically say: Hey! I’m bored shitless. Either give me something to do or let me go somewhere else. *sighs*
2) Chef. I know that his job makes him keep some odd ass hours, but…a call every once in a while during his ‘morning’ isn’t really too much to ask is it? I don’t want to be the one forever calling up ‘just to see what’s up’. I don’t want to start making correlation’s and assumptions, but occasionally I feel like my middle name should be ‘Best Western – We keep the light burning for you’ and he calls me to make a reservation. UGH. Why do I always feel like I am being used.. whether it is true or not?

Then… Oh m’godness, I love my momma to death but sometimes I just wanna… SCREAM! I so understand that JJ & MJ song now.

And then… I don’t know how to talk. I know that I am blunt, and when it comes all up to my feelings I am sensitive as FUCK….but UGH!

The general aura of evverything I do is a state of limbo’d confusion. I don’t know what to do or when to do it or how to do it and so I sit in one place and rock and mutter to myself. ARRGGHHH… I am so tired of being still but I am scared to move in any direction because it might be the wrong one, but I know that not moving at all is most definitely the wrong thing to do so I bounce back and forth between manic activity that leads me in circles and a frozen deer-in-the-headlights kind of stillness. AHHHHH!

*deep breath* Maybe yoga?

Stay Jazzed.

Getting Nosy

Okay, I’m gonna go crazy. It’s only 12:20pm, I have finished all of my work for the day (for the WEEK) and no-one is writing on OD. Bored bored bored….also I see no good surveys. I was going to steal another one from Sex in the City but…not feeling girly enough to do it. I am however, feeling totally in LOVE with………my hair. It is so soft and silky and shiny and twisty that I just can’t keep my hands out of it. My hair has never stayed THIS gorgeous for so long. The only problem is that I really need to wash it, and I’m not sure if it will stay as lovely after I put this nasty nasty hard water in my hair. *sighs* Ah well, the things we go through for beauty. I think I may have found my ‘scent’. I have been looking for a perfume that will fit me, but as I don’t really like the whole ‘perfumy’ smell that they have, I thought I was screwed. Then, I went to Garden Botanika, and found out that they can make perfumes from oils that they have, CUSTOM designed. And it only cost’s 20 bucks for a big old bottle of perfume that you can get lotion, shower gel, and a whole host of other stuff to go with it. I have already figured out what my high and low notes will be, and I got some lotion and shower gel made up with that smell. I like it, but I need to find a suitable middle note and then I am going to go hog wild. I even have a name for it…Desert Rose. : ) yes… like the sting song. Hmm… that was a fun hour or so wasted hunting down information about perfume. Come to find out I was mistaken. I have my middle/heart and my base note, I don’t have a top note. Hmm… this is going to be interesting.
Hm. In other news, I am quite upset with Mr. Chef. Maybe it’s a man thing, but he has called me not once since my mommy has been here. *sucks teeth* and yes, I did call him…but he never seems to be home *raised eyebrow* No… I shan’t get curious…it’s just odd thas all. Back to the world of smell.

Do any of you folx have a fragrance that you would feel naked without?


Stay Jazzed.

I'm BORED...okay?

Shamelessly stolen from Sex in the City

VITAL STATISTICS

Open Diary Screen Name: Jazzybelle
How did you come up with this name?: Ummm…a mixture of OutKast and feeling sexually free.
Starsign: The hard-headed capricorn
How Many Brothers/Sisters Do You Have?: None. At least by blood. I have a younger brother and sister that I ‘adopted’ and I have a half-sister (my father’s daughter)
Marital Status: Single.
Did Your Parents Name You After Anybody?: No…though my middle name came from a song.
Natural Hair Color: dark brown with really redd highlights
Eye Color: dark brown
FAVORITES
Food: ummm….Smartfood Cheese popcorn
Non-Alcoholic Beverage: Fresca Citrus Soda
Book Of All Time: The Tokiado Road by Lucia St. Clair Robson (long name ain’t it?)
Song: Everything must change (Oleta Adams) vs. Everything Happens for a Reason (Zhane)
Male Singer: D’angelo
Female Singer: Janet! Janet! Janet!
Store: Where shall I begin?? Ummmm Pier 1, Value City (yes I’m a cheapie)
CD You Own: Only one?! Ummm….Bitter by Meshell N’degechello
Place To Visit: Egypt (one day…)
Family Member: my MUMMY!
Musical Artist(s): hmm…as of right now the Jazzyfatnastees.
Fragrance: My custom smell: Desert Rose
Color: Blue and Silver
Article of Clothing: My saris
Memory: Don’t have one…life have given me so much.
TV Show(s): *blushes* ummm lately? WWF… *sighs*
Line From A Song: Everything must channnnnggggggeeeee
Animal: Purr-Meow…Cats of course!!
Sport: For simple drool appeal? Football… all them big burly men running and jumping*sighs & rolls eyes in delight*
Friend: hmm…have to be Nee-Nee
Movie: The Fifth Element
RANDOM QUESTIONS
You Have Any Power In The World For A Day- What Would It Be?: Read minds/sense emotions
Name Five Words To Describe Yourself: Intuitive-Sensual-Calm-Intelligent-Blunt
HAVE YOU EVER....
Cheated On A Test?: *giggles* Yup
Been To A Foreign Country?: Does Canada count??
Been In Love: I think so….
Been To A Wedding: Nope.
Been skinny-dipping?: Yup… my first time this summer
Given Away Something You Really Loved To Make Somebody Happy: Nope.
Been In Trouble With The Law?: *grins* I’ve never been caught and that is the story I’m sticking to.
Hurt Someone Intentionally?: Yes. I'm evil

Wednesday Monday Blahs

Hello, Beautiful People!! I’ve been off in the land of Mommy-ness for a while now…didn’t really feel like I had any time off of work as I haven’t had a single lay-in-bed-all-day day…and of course not a single snuggle-session with Chef. *sighs* Anyhow…. I am enjoying having her here, although I have been spending way way wayyyyy too much danngone money.

Anywho… I’m back at work, checking up on all of my email & favorites…I swear, when I leave for Christmas break it is going to take me a WEEK just to catch up on everyone. 51. That’s how many people lives I poke into on a daily basis (or on a how often they write basis), but either way.. I feel like I know so many people…that I DON’T know. It always makes me smile to read one favorite, and see a note left by another favorite, who has a note from another. Sometimes I find new people through my other favorites, sometimes I randomly hop to them, and other times I see a bit of writing on the main page that just drags me into their diary. So, after missing 5 days, I had plenty to read.

And what’s up with this election stuff? Talk about MADNESS….It looks like Gore will win according to popular vote, but that damn Electoral College in Florida is still out. *rolls eyes* Madness I tell you…
Ugh. I’m blabbing.

Stay Jazzed.

Brief Note in Time

Funny, I am no longer all torn up about having an abortion, and lately I have been able to look at babies and young children as just that…someone else’s kids. The time has truly flown, because I would be due in two days. If I was actually still pregnant I’m sure it wouldn’t feel the same, and god knows I most likely wouldn’t be here.
I’m here though, and so far I am liking it. I have been drifting on the web lately (boredom) and reading pregnancy journals and all that sort of stuff, and I just realized today how close it would have been. I honestly believe that I will be a simply wonderful mother, and I think I will have loads of children.
For some odd reason, I think that I will be one of those women who enjoy their pregnancy to the fullest…but I want to be simply and unabashedly joyful when I find out the next time. Anyhow, my mommy is flying in tonight. I can’t wait until she gets here…we are going to have loads of fun.
Stay Jazzed

The Stars Have It...

Jazzy's behavior as a partner

Sun in Capricorn for jazzy
Jazzy probably has trouble expressing her feelings. She is an introvert who has a kind of defiance for the world around her. She fears her own feelings, because they are unpredictable and unreliable. In her quest to be a part of something, she has a tendency to formalize everything, to give it shape. She is immovable toward her theories and ideologies, and she likes to study things in depth. Finding the solutions to difficult problems gives her great satisfaction. Jazzy is perseverant and frugal, self-disciplined and pragmatic, and capable of accomplishing great things. Behind her cold attitude is someone very sensitive, and tender hearted; someone who is hungry for passion. But it is hard for her to express her emotions, because, for her, they are not rational. Her incredible patience and self-control allow her to endure restrictions and frustrations that, at least for most of us, would be unbearable. In her relationships with men, she often plays the role of the older sister, as she takes it upon herself to take care of them, and build a stable and happy home for them.

Moon in Scorpio for jazzy
jazzy has a strong animal magnetism about her. She seeks out experiences rich in emotion, yet, curiously enough, she controls her emotions and keeps her feelings inside her. Her more instinctive side sometimes makes her a very jealous and possessive person. She can actually become very aggressive in certain circumstances. Her powerful sensuality gives sex an important role in her life. Her personal life, and her relationships with men can often be difficult for her to handle.

Influence of sun and moon on jazzy
jazzy comes off as a cold and inhibited person, when inside her, she is destabilized by powerful and destructive passions. Because of this, her love life will not be simple. She is much more comfortable in her professional life, because her strong ambition gives her the opportunity to dream. She tends to scare a lot of men with her hard, demanding attitude. She needs to finally admit to herself that her feelings are not just going to go away, and that no matter how successful she is, she will never be totally happy until she has come to terms with her feminine side.

Venus in Pisces for jazzy
jazzy is an intensely sensitive person with a profound compassion for others. She is always ready to sacrifice herself for others, or to come to the rescue for a friend. Yet, she is both romantic and idealistic, and often lacks discernment in her decisions about her love life. She is both confused and evasive when it comes to expressing her feelings clearly. However, she is ready to devote herself to the person she loves... Sometimes she even loses herself in him.

Mars in Capricorn for jazzy
jazzy is constantly concerned with her own personal efficiency. She likes to finish everything she starts. She will use any means possible to get things done, no matter how long it takes. However, her cold, hard attitude often causes problems in her personal life. People often misinterpret her, even though she does keep her emotions under strict control. In fact, jazzy has a hard time expressing her feelings and affection. Her fear of being misjudged, or unappreciated inhibits her emotional impulses.


Chef's behavior as a partner

sun in Aquarius for chef
chef is generally seen as an idealist. He believes that human beings need to break with the status quo in order to evolve. He is an eccentric and an individualist whose unconventional attitude makes him a rebel toward any kind of authority. The hope for a "new life" is at the basis of all his motivations. He seems to love to be with people, and his friendships are what are most important to him. Although he is a very warm and altruistic person, if a relationship no longer satisfies him, he can become the coldest, most detached person on earth. His reason controls and protects his emotions. His sometimes-impersonal behavior points to a great fear of commitment. On the outside, he is relatively unemotional. On the inside, his musings and fantasies abound! He is a lover, who is in love with love!

Moon in Aries for chef
chef is a real live wire. His feverish personality makes him come off as a rather abrupt person. He is in constant motion, pushed along by a kind of unconscious insecurity. He cannot bear to be inactive; he is always looking for something to excite his interest. Chef reacts to people and situations very personally depending on the kind mood he is in. He considers himself a man in charge, perfect for a career in sports or in business. In general, he is audacious and impulsive. His family or personal life generally tends to take a backseat to his insatiable desire for freedom. This is something he should think about.

Influence of sun and moon on chef
chef is a high-spirited person who hates to be tied-down. He seems to reject any kind of love in his life, so that he can devote his life to his work. However, if chef manages to find a headstrong woman like him, who shares his ideals and career goals, and respects his independence, they could live very happily ever after.

Venus in Pisces for chef
chef is an intensely sensitive person with a profound compassion for others. He is always ready to sacrifice himself for others, or to come to their rescue. He is both romantic and idealistic and often lacks the ability to make the right decisions in his love life. He is unable to express his feelings clearly. However, he is capable of giving himself entirely to the person he loves. Chef will love his partner unconditionally and with utter devotion. He should be careful not to lose touch with himself...

Mars in Capricorn for chef
chef is constantly concerned with his own efficiency. He likes to finish everything he starts. He will use any means possible to get things done, no matter how long it takes. However, his cold, hard fighter's attitude often causes problems in his personal life. People often misinterpret him, even though he does keep his emotions under control. In fact, chef has a hard time expressing his feelings and affection. His fear of being misjudged, or unappreciated inhibit his emotional urges


The Two Together

the sun in your birth chart is in a positive, angular relationship with the moon in chef's birth chart. Your somewhat subconscious image of the ideal masculine partner is awoken by chef. It thrives in wholeness and perfect harmony with chef's own subconscious image of the ideal woman. This exchange between the deepest, innermost recesses of your psyches explains your high degree of psychological compatibility.

Planet Venus in your birth chart is in a positive, angular relationship with planet mars in chef's birth chart. Chef's image brings out your own subconscious image of the ideal masculine partner. In your contact with chef, you find a kind of unexplainable harmony and wholeness. For his part, chef discovers in you the personification of an image of woman that he had never even dreamed of. This positive relationship, between one "sexual subconscious" to another, gives an aura of mystery and secrecy to your sexual relations.

The sun in your birth chart is in a negative, angular relationship with Saturn in chef's birth chart. Saturn represents both reality and the father figure, and it is the planet that presides over our personal growth through out the ups and downs of life. These two planets, your sun and chef's Saturn, have a tense relationship to each other, and are usually indicative of disagreement and difficulty in a relationship. In your relationship, chef sometimes represents the strict, moralist father figure. He seems to denigrate your ideas and hinder you in your personal projects. Other times, he is a solid partner you can count on; who guides you and protects you from yourself.
However, if your character is not fully matured, it's safe to say you will see him as a father figure, at least most of the time. In this case, you may feel as if his intervention in your life is extremely limiting to you. You feel as if he refuses to give you the warmth and comfort you need. He seems to show an incredible amount of pessimism and stubborn negativity, when it comes to anything you decide to do. Because of your continual frustration with this situation, you may even hide from him the things you care about most. If you are not careful, the communication between you will be reduced to a bare minimum. However, if your character is already well developed, you will use chef's remarks to compliment your own ideas and visions on life and living.

This is what happens when I have too much free time at work. I was considering making this private, but hey...everybody can see how much of a goof I am being.

Stay Jazzed & tuned in for another entry about 'us'

Death (the short blurry version)

Ugh. I want to be surrounded by intelligence & inspiration, not doom & gloom. *sighs* Mood swings! Hello… I really really hate these things. And I don’t wanna be moody when my momma gets here, that would just ruin the whole week. Anyhow…this line from a song keeps looping through my head ‘ What if God was one of us??’. I don’t know who sings it, but it is going to drive me batttyyyyy.

Hm. Something else I have been thinking about for a while. There is so much advice on how to live longer…but so little advice on how to live better. I mean we are ALLL going to die right? No matter what we do in this life, we are going to die. That is really all there is to it. So instead of trying to drag out a life that is not as full of joy & pleasure as possible, maybe people should focus on making the time they have better. People get sick and ask the doctor “Am I going to die?” and the doctor lies and says “Of course not.” TELL THE TRUTH! OF course you are going to die, we all die…the important part is to fill the life you have with life.

*sighs* I am making no sense here… I feel like my head is going in eight different directions at once, and all of them are screaming sleep! sleep! sleep! yeech.


Stay jazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*wakes up*ed

Rehashing Politics

I went to get my nails done on Monday, while I was feeling about as uncute as is possible, and I got about three or four compliments, along with a whole host of appreciative looks. Mind you, I was fully dressed, (long pants, tunic length long sleeved loose sweater) and my hair was certainly doing its own thing. Then, later that night, Chef told me that I was simply beautiful. *sighs* I gave him the classic, ‘oh thanks for telling me such a lovely thing even though it is only marginally true’ look, but managed to say thank you. As I was walking home last night, I thought about why I can’t really accept that fact that I am…beautiful.

So, I decided to just off-the-cuff, describe myself as I feel that others most likely see me. This is what I came up with: Short, fat, with enchanting eyes and a sexy smile, bodacious boobs, lovely legs and an abundant ass, short reddish brown hair, with a stroll that would put some models to shame. That sounds like a pretty hot and tempting package to me, without even including the LOVELY personality and high intelligence and independent spirit. *sighs* I refuse to repeat the whole issue again. I won’t. But it’s interesting. It’s sad when you get tired of rehashing the same damn issue with yourself. *sighs*

*sighs* Election Day is coming up. I have read more stories and entries and news articles about who to vote for and who not to vote for than I really have wanted to. To me, all politicians are liars. You have to be, in order to please even a small portion of the people who you want to vote for you. And once you get elected, you conveniently forget about most of the lies you told. So, I tend to vote for the person who tells me the lies that I want to hear, and afterwards, just hope that they don’t screw me over too badly.

Blagh. Quite depressed now. Will go and eat more candy. No I won’t. will go and drink some nice tea. *sighs*

Stay Jazzed.