Wednesday, August 31, 2005

I've always been.....

a not so material person. A simple person, almost.  Which may be a side effect of me being amazingly cheap, but I think that it serves me well. We usually have enough to live on - a little extra for fun.  And of course, I could have much, much, much more extra to live on if I wasn't quite so enourmously anal about escaping the little bit of debt I've incurred as rapidly as possible. And - that actually makes me feel better about not living a life of luxury - because I'm choosing it, I suppose. But - there's always been a - deep grinding feeling in me that living with a high amount of debt is dangerous. Not foolhardy, not risky, but simply dangerous. That - incurring debt for a newer car, or a designer pair of shoes goes far beyond fiscal foolishness and starts to waver close to the edge of out and out fiscal suicide.
Of course, it might be how  I grew up - living off of welfare, and WIC, and the occasional odd job my stepfather deemed worthy, and that briefly adventourously terrifying episode of homelessness. So - living ABOVE my means - esp. as I've gotten older - has become - instinctively scary. Ya'll all remember the long tirades I went on as I was 'debating' buying an Ipod. And - mind you - that was EXTRA money. Basically gift money, and I had a very hard time 'gifting' myself.
Gah. I'm rambly, because I've been thrown a little off kilter (and a little on track) by this.  It's about a phenomenom called 'Peak Oil'. The basic concept is that oil production - like most things - operates on a bell curve. Currently, we (as a world) are hitting the downslope of oil production all over the world - and - it's not renweable - and we are too far away from having REAL,  CHEAP, TRANSPORTABLE alternative fuel sources to carry us through. The really - creepy part (which I never even thought about) is that everything - Everything - EVERYTHING - that we use to LIVE on uses oil to be produced. EVERYTHING ya'll.
It's scary enough to be nutty, and logical enough to make perfect sense, esp. considering the swiftly sliding increases in gas prices. I mean - hm. Those alone have - shook me up. I'm not THAT old, and I remember gas being 99 cents a gallon. I'd be suprised if gas was UNDER 3.00 a gallon by Thanksgiving.
So. I'm thankful that I'm not a material person. I'm thankful that I'm training to be a midwife because two things will reamin constant - no matter what.  People will be born, and people will die. I'm thankful that I'm crazy about paying off my debts so that I can start to BUILD a true nest egg. I'm thankful that my fear of debt has held me back from buying a house. I'm - rather relieved actually.


And I'm nervous as hell. It might not happen while I'm alive (for which I would be throughly thankful - though guilty about leaving that kind of mess in the hands of my kids) but it's going to happen.


*shudder*

Monday, August 29, 2005

Bleh.

So, my weekend sucked.


Saturday - let's see. I buried Nikki, and C went to work. He calls me 20 minutes later - his tire blew out. Yeah, on the new (to us) car.  He goes to change it, and it looks like the tire is rusted to the axle. *sigh* His boss comes to pick him up, he goes to work, all is well and good.
He calls a tow truck to pick it up on Sunday - and the city (working overtime) has already snatched it up - despite him SUPPOSING to have 48 hours to deal with it. *sigh*
So - deal with that, and the car is at Sears now, getting fixed.
I'm at work - and it's Monday.


G started yowling this morning. I think he is really worried about Nikki now - even when he ran off, he normally came back the same night. It's been - 2 days now? So....yeah.


I just - it's weird. I've never had a pet DIE on me before - other than goldfish, and they don't really count. I've given away, or lost pets - but never actually had to bury one. I - almost considered getting him cremated but - no. Nikki wasn't fond of strangers.


I was supposed to go out with a friend on Saturday night - but I really didn't feel like - and I feel horrid for not feeling like it, but I feel like if I don't feel like it - then I shouldn't right??


I'm just babbling now. I had to write another entry though. *sigh*


And no, I don't plan on getting another cat. As much as I would like a kitten - no.  That's me logical side speaking. The much less logical side is saying - but G is going to be SOO lonely! And - only one kitty? We haven't had ONE kitty for years!! *sigh* But no.


How long are you allowed to be mopey?

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Dumbass Til The End


Nicholas (Nikki) NickerBocker Black
August 23, 2002
to
August 26, 2005


So, I'm sitting in the chair in the living room, reading a book. Nikki starts yowling like he sees another cat outside - and I lean forward to see if I can see him sitting at the front door. I don't see him, but I see G (my other cat) looking in the kitchen. I call Nikki, and he stops yowling. A few seconds later, I hear this noise like he is trying to get into the broiler tray, so I get up to see what the hell he is doing.
He's laying in front of the stove, completely limp, his mouth wide open - I look (thinking he's choking) and his entire tongue is blue, and swollen so badly that I can't even move it to try to free his pathway. I start crying and calling his name - and I can still feel him purring for a second - then nothing. I, quite naturally, lose it - but he's so limp that I know - there's not a thing I can do for him. I'm sitting on the floor next to him, and I hear a buzzing sound. I look under him, and there is a live yellowjacket under his paw. I'm guessing that he tried to play with it/eat it - and it stung him repeatedly inside of his mouth & his tongue. I'm thinking that the yowl was when he was first stung, and the sound of him trying to get into the oven was actually him thrashing around trying to breathe.


I'm going to bury him in the yard today - I would have done it last night, but we don't even own a shovel.


I'm really going to miss my little dumbass, lovebug of a kitty with the tail that was longer than he was. My nickerbocker, nickkyhead, silly boy, with the silly snaggletooth grin, and the hopeless addiction to catnip and the deep and abiding love for warm laps and fingers with nails.


May the field be full of catnip
May you always be full
May there be no loud sounds
And may there be many good chinscratchers.


Be Well, Beloved Nikki

Friday, August 26, 2005

Logic & Emotion

I just finished having an - almost hour long conversation with several of my coworkers about doulas, childbirth, and their personal experiences of labor. It was - wonderful, and enlightening, and hopefully a learning experience (plus some GREAT free advertisement). It started with me bringing in my birth ball for my boss to sit on since her back hurt - and of course, everyone wanted to know what the hell was up with the big red ball in her cube (then mine, as the dang thing wasn't full enough to stay taunt in this cold ass office - but at least she liked it, and plans on getting one of her own). Anyhow - I talked to them, and they shared their experiences - and I gradually got the feeling of - *thinks*  sincerity. Not from them, but from myself. I'm a very left brained/right brained person. I - have feelings - but I tend to not trust them unless they are backed up solidly by my logic. And my feelings - as ya'll ALL know - say that I will be a wonderful doula/midwife - but the logic stands back and shakes it head and says that is an unproven supposition - so I don't feel quite - legit. If my OWN self isn't certain of my skills/abilities/talents - how the bright hell is anything or anyone ELSE going to be certain of it?


And I realize - I'm - shortchanging myself. I SHOULD have more trust in my feelings - in my gut - in that 'women's intuition' thing - that I KNOW I have - but that I don't trust. And yeah, it's been wrong a couple of times - but I need to remember that EACH time I was wrong - it was other people disappointing me, never ME disappointing myself. I can't control how other people act/react - even when I think that I know them well enough to be able to predict it - I can only control and be certain about how I will act/react to those situations. I need to have more trust in myself. Period.


*smiles* But - I'm - happy. *laughs* The website is halfway done (and yes, you guys will be the FIRST ones to get a link once it's complete) and I've already gotten the business cards designed. My next bit of work is going to be creating the brochures - and getting my name out there. Am I nervous?? Ohhhh yes - very.  Am I excited? Oh yes. Do I think I can do it? Definitely. But do I KNOW I can - no. And that, right there is the root of it. I need to be able to trust myself to say that me thinking I can, means that I can. I'm smart, and I'm stubborn, and I'm very, very, very persistant. I jsut need to stop doubting/shortchanging/repressing my own damn skills/lights/abilities.


It shouldn't be THAT hard, right?

Monday, August 22, 2005

Return Of The Space Cowgirl

I'm not a morning person, not at all - but this weekend has taught me that I CAN be a morning person when I'm doing something that seriously interests me - so it's not that I'm not a morning person, it's just that my job isn't a good enough REASON for me to be a morning person. Yeah.


Okay - the training. *grins* *laughs* It was - wonderful. Amazing. I've learned so MUCH stuff - new cool things that I would have never learned before. I don't think I've EVER been quite so comfortable in a group of all women that I've just met before. I'm - all kinds of geared up - and there is a long weekend coming up!! (How the bright hell I forgot about Labor Day, I'm not sure - I think I just didn't realize it was coming up quite so fast!) So - the training? 3 days, from 8:30 to 4:30 with an hour for lunch. A healthy bit of questions and answer lecturing, a nice couple of doses of humblepie for me (I really DON'T know that much when compared to other who are interested in this as well - and MAN my childless state means that I miss out on some of the 'normal' stuff). The first day was mostly lecturing/question and answer - the second day we learned pain relief techniques, and the third day we did scenarios and covered post-partum care.
There were 9 of us - ages from 23 to mid 50's. Three of us were childless, 4 of us had kids, and 2 of us were grandmoms. Two black women, seven white women. 8 from Tn, 1 from Ky.  It was - really, really, really, good.  Do I actually FEEL ready to be a doula? Umm... yeah?? Am I still nervous as hell?? Oh, DEFINITELY. Do I think I can pull it off - HELL YEAH!!! *grins* And I've decided that I'm DEFINITELY crazy, as I am looking FORWARD to experiencing labor. I KNOW it's going to hurt more than anything I've ever experienced - and that is also part of what I'm looking forward to. In my mind - labor is a challenge - a call for you to be able to take yourself to your limits, and far far far beyond, and end up with the most amazing thing that you could ever create. *rubs arms* I'm giving myself goosebumps over here.


I also met one of my online friends, and her husband and one of his friends. We met at a coffee shop, and sat and talked for - NINE hours. From 7:00pm until 3am, and the conversation FLOWED. We touched on all of the 'taboo' topics, and I swear, I can't remember the last time I had THAT much fun with a group of new sober people in - ever. I really didn't WANT to go back to the hotel, but since the training started at 8:00am the next morning, I still had a writeup to do, and I had to get up extra early to check out, I figured I should DEFINITELY go on home. I didn't get to bed until about 4:30am, but oddly enough, I really WASN'T tired. Once again, my night owl tendencies coming out....I ran until 9pm last night on three hours of sleep - and even once I got home, when my head hit the pillow, all kinds of business ideas and bright thoughts and other stuff started bubbling up. I had to get up, get a pen and some paper so that I could write most of this stuff down before I could even settle in enough to go to sleep.


And!!! When I got home, my beloved, sexy, wonderful tasteful husband had rearragned out furniture - so now we have a GORGEOUS house. Oh. My. God. It's - hot. I mean - this furniture FITS so damn well, its scary. I think that the only thing missing is a comfortable and stylish computer desk that doesn't LOOK like a computer desk. Something tells me finding that is going to be an adventure - I wonder if I could get someone to build what I want??
*grins* Of course, he had an ulterior motive for getting everything set up, as he was having a card game with the 'boys' last night, but it was still a wonderful thing to come home to.....


And of course today, my ass is DRAGGING. It's not the lack of sleep, it's the job. *deep breaths* I'm walking a path - it's not a path that can be run, or driven, it HAS to be walked. And I have no doubt that as I walk this path, I WILL reach my destination. I'm just - eager for the journey to reach that first waystation, thas all.


*plods off*

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Pre Weekend Jitters....

So. I'm leaving tonight to go to the doula trianing this weekend....and I'm nervous. It's not that I think I'll screw anything up - cuz I'm pretty sure that I won't. It's not that I think everyone will look down on me, cuz I don't think they will. It's not that I think I won't fit in - because all of us will be there, focused, on learning how to be a good doula. But I'm still nervous.
I think - I'm pretty sure that I'm nervous simply because I'm DOING it. I'm not just talking about it, just reading books, just half starting websites, just desgining business cards and brochures - I'm actually getting OFF my ass, and taking ACTION, and taking a real, physical step towards doing this, and honestly - I'm scared. What if I suddenly discover that I don't like it? What if I pass out at the sight of blood? What if - I mean - what if I never find anyone willing to let me be their doula? It's - so damn exciting, and so damn important, and so - scary all at once that I'm like - EEEEEEEE!!


Not that you can tell, of course, but yeah, me freaky out just a little bit. And I'm sure that I'll get there, and I'll make some cool ass new friends, and I'll learn a shiteload of stuff, and I'll come back fired up, and ready to finish the website, and get shit jumping.


*fans self*


So - in my normal spirit of being nervous as hell, I haven't done shit to get ready.  Well, that's not quite true - I went home last night and washed clothes. So - just to focus on the concerns I CAN control - here's my rough packing list (which yes, I will print out and take home with me tonight)


All the Required Reading Books
Doula Bag (I have a copy of The Birth Partner, Baby Wipes,  extra socks, a change of undies, baby powder, rice sock, and......something else in there)
3 very casual outfits, 2 nicer outfits, one club outfit (plus draws & bras as needed).
Shoes (dammit, I need to buy some new shoes!!)
3 flaky books
Tolietries (dammit, I forgot to wash my favorite towel!)
Snackies
Computer Supplies


I think that's about it. I'm sure I'll end up with more stuff, but it's ONLY a three day trip. The training is Friday, Saturday & Sunday, and I should be home by 8pm or so Sunday night, assuming we don't run over. It starts at 8:30am, which is why I'm leaving TONIGHT, so I can get a good nights sleep. Hopefully.


*frets uselessly*

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Answers,

Now, though, I'm in the questions mood. ask me anything, signed, unsigned, private whatever..... I don't think you guys could come up with something that I won't answer....


Myssk asks: *paraphrasing* Muslim?? Did you grow up outside of the US or something??


Nope, nope, nope. Boy - how to run through this one....I was born in Washington DC, and lived there until I was five. My mother embraced Islam when I was two, and from two until *thinks* 18, I was about as Muslim as you could get. She got married when I was five, and - honestly, I dug the dude until I hit about 11/12 or so. From then until 15, when she divorced the bum for the third (and in Muslim fatwah/law FINAL) time, I hated his guts with a deep burning fiery passion. He - my mother allowed him to turn her into a meek little mousy woman, who couldn't take care of herself, and didn't believe in herself or her own intelligence. Gah. Anyhow. At 15, I started school for the first time, and after my first year, told my mom that I wasn't Muslim anymore. I wouldn't reconcile who I was and who I wanted to be with the strictures of the religion as I grew up in it. I know, most likely better than most people, how the spirit of a faith can be corrupted into a law, but - it was the law that was the faith I knew, not the spirit. And that faith was - misogynistic, violent, and quite shamelessly patriarchial - no real suprise for a Middle Eastern faith, but - I felt that if I remained Muslim, I would be commiting a worse sin of hypocrisy than if I abandoned the faith altogether. Me & my mom came to an 'agreement' that I would still wear the outer symbols of the faith (headpiece and long skirts/pants, long sleeves) until I graduated.


The day after my high school graduation, I took off the headpiece, and wore a short skirt and a tank top in public for the first time in my life. It felt strange as HELL, but - I got over it pretty quickly.  Any remaining signs that I was once Muslim?  *thinks* I still hum a few arabic songs, I still Salaam folx who I know are Muslim, and I kinda keep track of when Ramadan is. Other than that? *shakes head* I know that I've been shaped by the faith, but I couldn't possibly put my finger on what things are a part of me that I wouldn't be if I hadn't been Muslim. *laugh* Except - I might not want to be a midwife, funnily enough.

I got interviewed - and I want MORE!!!

One of my new faves Myssk, ever so kindly responded to my pleading and interviewed me.....


1. You want to be a midwife, which totally rocks my socks. Was there any event that led you to this, have you always wanted to do it, etc? In short - what made you want to become a midwife?
Hmm, ya know, I don't think I ever actually wrote out why I want to be a midwife - and if I did, I might have been in one of my previous incarnations of this diary.
I've always been fascinated by childbirth/pregnancy - and I've always been pretty damn granola from how I grew up, where cloth diapering, breastfeeding til the child weaned themself, slingwearing, and cosleeping was all normal - just as having your baby at home with a midwife was. So, I've always known WHAT a midwife was. Now, what led me to wanting to become one? It was about two years after I had graduated from college, when I was looking around at my life as a computer person, and realized that I would have to be getting paid a HELL of a lot more to be even vaugely satisfied, and I still wouldn't LOVE my job. I had an amazing example of someone LOVING their work in C, and - honestly - I was jealous.  So, I started reading some self help books that were written to help you - narrow down what you are most passionate about, and help you figure out how to turn that into employment. As I was writing stuff down, it hit me. I mean seriously, it was like a brick to the head. For a woman who has never given birth, I know MORE about childbirth than many parents of multiple children - both the natural/interference free type, and the hospital brand - and I'm PASSIONATE about it. Get me started, and I tend to usually shut up because people brush me off because I haven't had kids, and therefore assume that I have no CLUE what I'm talking about - otherwise, and esp, when I am in a group of like minded people, I can go on and on and on.  I LOVE helping/teaching people, and I love finding new solutions for problems that make everyone happy. So - that's what started me on the path of becoming a midwife. I've never - wavered on becoming one, I just bounce back and forth with the timing....it's NOT a job that brings in huge amounts of money (esp. if you choose to NOT work in a hospital - which is something I'm going to struggle with as a doula - I really DON'T like hospitals) but - it's something that would be SO very rewarding.


 2. Do you believe in god, gods, higher power, etc. or are you agnostic/atheist?
Wow - you are asking some really timely questions. I believe in *thinks* how to put this? I don't believe in a big entity in the sky keeping an eye on all of it's creation.  I don't believe in MULTIPLE eyes in the sky, either. If anything, I would consider myself a witch, I suppose - and I'm learning that I don't think I mean Wiccan, either. I believe that there is an energy/power/force all around us that we can manipulate through focus, and through energy manipulation. Gah. I still haven't totally figured out what I believe in, but I know that Allah, Yaweh, and God ain't really my friends, and they haven't been doing shite for humanity since they 'kicked' us out of the garden, so ya know - if Karma is a true force, they have a lot coming back to them. *LOL* talk about the ultimate DeadBeat Dad. 
I said the question was timely because I'm JUST starting to get involved with a pagan group here, and - hell, I need to figure out a 30 sec answer to this question that doesn't sound totally haywire, and FEELS right to me. I've gone through a couple of religions/faiths - Muslim, Baptist (for a real hot second), agnostic (which is still maybe the closest, but it doesn't - FEEL - right), and out and out pagan. When folx ask me what I am, I usually say Heathen, and they leave me right alone. Hah. As I was telling one of my friends (I LOVE Dogma, by the way) I prefer to have 'ideas' rather than beliefs, esp. consider I don't know.


3. Here's a fun one: Pussy hair - wild, trim, or shave? Why?
Shaved usually, as otherwise I truly turn into the wild country. Interestingly enough, I've noticed I tend to be wilder in the winter, and get trim crazy in the summer. I've been thinking about investing in a pair of clippers to keep the jungle in check. Why? *grins* I like the way it feels and looks - sooo smooth. Sooo sexy...and no naughty hairs to get in the way of any fun. Shhh - but I make C trim to. :)


4. Do you ever wish you could fly? If so, what inspires the feelings? Airplanes, birds? If not, what superpower do you wish you could have?
Wondertwin powers, Activate!!! *grins* Okay, but seriously. Hmm... flying has never been a big thing for me - if I had to pick on superpower, it wouldn't be flying....though it WOULD be cool as all get out. Let's see - one superpower? It would have to be *thinks* Alteration. Being able to turn myself into anything/anybody. Heh. That would be fun. If it had to be a more mental power, it would definitely be empathy - to truly be able to read others feelings/reactions/emotions. Not telepathy, because I know there is stuff in MY head that I would like to kick out, and that seems like an utter violation of privacy to be rummaging about in peoples thoughts.


5. What is one of the most influential books you've read? If you don't feel there's been one choose a "most" option from this list: creepiest, worst, best, boring, or erotic.
Hey! No Fair! I've already answered this one in a theme entry earlier this month? week? Recently. *ruammges around* Here it is..... and it opens in a new window too.....



Thanks a million Myssk!!! You've given me a chance to waste ALMOST an hour and a half at this dreadfully dull place of work - or maybe I'm just too fast for them....


Now, though, I'm in the questions mood. ask me anything, signed, unsigned, private whatever..... I don't think you guys could come up with something that I won't answer....


Tuesday, August 16, 2005

*taptaptap*

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Friday, August 12, 2005

Choices, Choices....

Perfect use failure rate = the estimated percentage of pregnancies that will occur if the birth control is used correctly and consistently
Typical use failure rate = the estimated number of pregnancies that will occur with a typical user who does not use the contraception consistently or correctly

Contraceptive Method Perfect Use (%) Typical Use (%) My Thoughts
Spermicides 18 29 Is there anything reliable besides Nonoxyl-9? I can't walk around looking like I have crabs.
Male Condoms 2 15 I suppose, but ick!
Female Condoms 5 21 Um, No.
Diaphragm 6 16 Hmm....maybe, but you have to use spermicides with them, right?
Cervical Cap
w/o prior pregnancy
9 16 Huh. That might be an idea
Sponge
w/o prior pregnancy
9 16 Once again, Nonoxyl-9
Oral Contraceptives 0.3 8 Nooooooooooooooo!!
Contraceptive Patch 0.3 8 Hell No!!
Vaginal Contraceptive Ring 0.3 8 Just tried that one, and no.
Depo-Provera 0.3 3 *screams*
IUD (Copper) 0.8 0.6 *sniffsniff* How I miss you my little tinman. How I wish you had a sister who was good for a year.
IUD (Mirena) 0.1 0.1 Hormones = no thank you
No Method 85 85 Hah! That's called trying to concieve
Ovulation Method 3 22 Maybe - they have those convienent little monitors - I'd have to invest in pregnancy tests though - I'm paranoid enough as it is.
Sympto-Thermal Method 2.5 13-20 My temps are - odd. I tried charting them before, and my weekend sleep cycle tends to screw it up - but I might try, try again.

Calendar Method
5 13 My cycle is a little long, but regular as clockwork, so this might work.

Lactation (LAM)
0.5 6 Hmmm..... would have to ALREADY be lactating for this one, and that's what we are trying to avoid, so no.
Withdrawal 4 27 *snort* *snicker* *ROFLOL*
Abstinence 0 0 HAH!

I want to snarkily comment on the fact that the ONLY options on this list that apply to men, have existed since - hell, the Egyptians were the first ones to come up with condoms, I believe. And I'm sure even the PREhistoric man figured out how abstience and withdrawal worked. Where the hell are the YEARS of study and research on how to nip the SPERM in the bud rather than the egg? I mean hell - there's gotta be some pill that will make them all come out tailless or something.

Such blantant sexism - pregnancy is, and always has been, a WOMAN's worry/ problem/ concern/ issue. How irritating. Yet as soon as ya get pregnant - it's the male-created obstetricial mindset that is supposed to suddenly be better able to understand, manage and control a very female experience. Bllleeh.

Holy Shit.

So, I decided to root around online, and see what the side effects of the Nuvaring are.....then I somehow stumbled onto Aprhodite Women's Health website....and started reading the forums, and I'm sitting here feeling like I could cry.
There are HUNDREDs of women on here, complaining about the same story. Took birth control pills for 5-7 years, starting as a young teenager. Suddenly, around 23-25 they hit severe issues where they basically went crazy - depression, irritability, fatigue, non-existant libido, and found that 1) going off the pill helped, and 2) any return to hormonal birth control started the insanity up again.
That is almost exactly my story. I started on BCP when I was 15 (didn't lose my virginity til I was 17, but a paranoid mother will do that to you) took it for *thinks* 5 years straight, then went on and off it for the next 2 year. *thinks* Ya know, I think my 'wild years' where after I went off it the FIRST time. Holy Shit. Then, I moved to Indy, and got back on the pill - which I was on for about six monthes before the Meltdown occured, and I quit. I so didn't feel like ME so I went to the IUD, and still - for years - I haven't felt like that 22 year old me that I was.  I couldn't DO it anymore - I felt - crazy. Literally. I don't even know if I can explain it -I mean, I know how wobbly I get during PMS - and even that last bit (the one I wrote the *twitches* entry about) was a hell of a lot more severe (and long lasting) than usual. I couldn't even laugh my way through it and shrug it off like I usually do, or spend a little quality time with myself to get through it and to reassure myself.


I can't do it again ya'll. I can't. For the last few days, EVERYTHING has made me want to cry or scream. I've taken THREE pregnancy tests over the last two weeks, because I knew that something was seriously off kilter with me - all negative. I've been about as close to depressed as I can get - I don't want to eat, I'm CONSTANTLY exhausted - but can't fall asleep until midnight - 2am, I really, really, really, don't like people, and I want to be utterly alone. I can barely focus enough to read, it takes me HOURS to write anything (even work emails.....oh my god! I have had to rewrite each one that I've sent last week three or four times) and I really just want to curl into a drunken stupor and stare at a wall all day. I'm pratically in tears now, and this just ISN'T RIGHT. I don't have the highest libido as it is, but now - I don't want to be TOUCHED - I don't even want to touch MYSELF. And even if I try to touch myself (possibly TMI for ya'll squeamish types) the orgasm was - weak. Okay, weak isn't even really the right word - it was as close to a dying gasp as an orgasm can get and still exist. THAT really freaked me out.
And we aren't going to talk about the - not really sucidal thoughts - more like exceeding morbid ruminations on my own death -  but every day when I drive to work, I'm EXPECTING to be involved in a major crash. It's kinda like EXPECTING to see a Fed-Ex plane flying overheard - and that creeps me out.


We aren't even going to TALK about the screaming headaches I've been having - those have been a main factor of me wanting to curl up in a corner and cry. Ya know, despite still being waist deep in debt, I'd rather be PREGNANT than go through this shit again. And this is only the first month!! Maybe I should give it time to adjust - give myself time to adjust? But - I honestly don't think it's going to get any better - in fact, I think it will just get worse. *sigh*  Based on the LAST time I was on hormonal BC - in Indy - the first three months were - mild. I was - off, but I was able to fake my way through it. Months 4-6 on the other hand - sucked, to put it plainly. And it was around month seven when the Meltdown occured....*shakes head*  My marriage would be SEVERELY strained by that right now.


*holds head in hands*  I haven't filled the prescription for the six months supply yet, and I don't think that I will. I'm scared to. I'm - really not happy right now, and I've got utterly NO reason to be not happy. None.  My brain - it isn't right ya'll. And to be fully and consiously aware of that fact is actually scarier than - not being aware. I KNOW I'm off.


So what are my options? I can't get another IUD, as it's not worth it for another year or so. I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate condoms (besides the fact that I get yeast infections almost instantly from using them). I suppose I could do a diaphram - but I'm allergic to spermicide. Maybe the sponge, since it's back on the market? I wonder if I would be allergic to that too?


I've never even CONSIDERED that the Pill might have - warped my hormonal development. Shit, at 15 I had only been a 'mature' woman for two years - my body hadn't even settled into it's own natural cycles, much LESS stabilized enough for me to inflict artifical hormones on them. Shit, shit, shit.


*closes eyes and sighs*


Today Sponge, isn't it?



Edit: Today has Nonoxyl9 in it - which is of course, what I'm allergic to. *sigh* Anyhow - after reading about ALL these other womens almost identical symptoms, and having pulled the ring out (on time on Tuesday) and having written it all out - I feel SO much better. I think it's just - the confirmation that yes, I WAS reacting to the ultra,super,slow-release, low levels of hormones - and that I don't HAVE to suffer. I'm still tired as hell, but at least I'm not arguing with myself anymore. *smile* Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Soooooooooooo..............

Synthetic hormones are the devils work. Seriously, ya'll.


Okay - what else? As yes - I knew I forgot to mention something in my last entry - but really, it deserves an entry of its own.


When I was coming back from an event of Tuesday, I drove past a sign at a psychics that talked about Chakra Balancing...and it started a train of thought in my head. I've almost always felt like I was - repressed isn't quite the right word - I've always felt that I wasn't living up to my full potential - laregly due to fear of - everything. And this isn't the phobia kind of fear, it's not the anxiety attack kind of fear - it's a deep rooted doubt that anything could ever possbily turn out right. *sigh* I'm still not explaining it well - but my fear has held me back from SO much - esp. the low level fear that warps my desires into - nothingness, really. So - back to the chakras.


I took a silly (or profound) little test that tells you if your Chakras are inbalanced. Rather unsuprisingly, my 'root' chakras are....off kilter. The lower two - the Root (which channels the energy to not fear, and to feel that you own your space) and the Sacral (which channels the energy to feel) are both very underactive. I paused, because I wondered/wonder if my abortion may have had anything to do with that. My upper Chakras however (the less physical ones) are working jsut fine - too fine, almost. So - that led me down the path of trying to find an energy worker in Memphis, and then that led me to the local NeoPagan group.


All of a sudden, I feel like I'm moving - I feel like - DOING stuff. I feel - lighter, almost - the way that I tend to feel when I've solved a problem - or at least know what the problem is. I've always been vaugely pagan, but have never really figured out what my true path is. I've always felt SOMETHING holding me back - it just never - felt quite right, and since I'm expecting the feeling of RIGHTNESS to greet me when I finally stumble across my path, I've let it slide. So - I'm going to start exploring my pagan side again....and try to find an energy worker (or at least a good accupuncturist) and funnily enough, as I was going through the groups notifications - they are offering an intro to Tantra class on Sunday. *blinks* It's - amazing really - how much better I feel once I'm moving again - even if it's only mentally.


I think that - well....hell... I'm not sure how to fully express this - but I feel like....I should REALLY heal myself. Fully, not focusing on just one area of - weakness, but holistically. And hell, I'm granola enough for it work. :)

Ummmm...........

*blows dust of the pages*


Eh. It's been awhile. Haven't been able/interested in writing much - I've just been SO DAMN TIRED. *huge yawn*


Umm....what's going on? Let's see - I think I've met a girl. Well, no. I KNOW I've met a girl (I guess she'll have to be D) and she's cool, sweet, funny, sexy, and all that wonderful stuff. We've only gone out twice, and have had a riproaring time BOTH times....so that's right exciting. Supposed to be going out tonight with her and another girl (who's flaked out on me before, so no high hopes) - but ugh (the above mentioned exhaustion).


Um. Don't think I like the new birth control much. It's huge, and I was feel it while we are having sex, and it's sooo not comfy. Besides the fact that me + artificial hormones = more drama and mental anguish than one woman (and her husband) should have to indure. I was hoping that since the amounts of hormones were so much lower, it wouldn't affect me - but ugh. The ring to prevent me from getting pregnant, and some other drug to prevent me from turning into a celibate hermit bitch. Bleh. I miss my little tinman.


Ah! Speaking of meeting girls, C was trying to meet a girl - and on Saturday (the day they were going to meet) he said that he thought he would like to fuck her. Mind you, I'm still under the influence of the hormones, but I reacted to that about the same way as I would if he had said 'I'd like to play cards with her.' A totally - casual grin, nod & shrug - and a demand for full details later. But, she flaked out as well (flaky ass women) so - that hasn't happened. Let's see if they hook up this weekend - but somehow I doubt it.


I tried to give myself an orgasm *thinks* Wednesday, I think it was? *sigh* It was - it was - horrid. And I was in my state - home alone, warm and comfy on the couch, a couple of glasses of wine, my naughty news group comics, and - ppphhhfft. I mean - it was like...okay - NORMAL orgasm for me - esp a self given one - is about ..... hmm - a good 5.8 on the Ricther scale. The orgasm I had Wednesday wouldn't have even made the needle jump. It was more like a stampede of four horses (compared to an EARTHQUAKE, mind you). It was the oddest thing EVER - I mean, I could feel how weak it was. It - it was a tinygasm. Hell, I've cum harder without touching myself in a wet dream! *sigh* So, I worry that's another side effect of the ring - the side effect that forced me to give up on the pill. And heaven knows, my libido is low enough as it is, I don't need any bloody HELP supressing it, thank you very much.


"Most hormonal birth control works by shutting down the ovaries, which are also the main producers of testosterone in a woman's body."


Oh bloody hell.


I'm trying to find a part time job where I can make a little extra money - sextexting. It's quite popular in the UK, rather like their phone sex. Phone sex, I couldn't do - I'm not THAT good of an actress. Typing though? Hah! I could blow someones head off. So. I need to talk to Hubby about it......but I don't think he would mind.


I'm so proud of him, by the way!! HE brought up the fact that we need to work out a new budget - the smart, brilliant man he is - finally learning some damn financial sense.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Listen with me.....

Don't ask me why I did this - but I just wanted to see (and share) what I listen to. I think I started listening to my iPod (on scramble) around 10:00 or so, and it's 4:43pm now.  Here is a list of the songs I heard (listening to Justin now):  


Just Another Story: Jamiroquoi (Return of the Space Cowboy)
My Heart Will Go On: Celine Dion (Titanic Soundtrack)
olatunji-gin-go-lo-ba: Various Artists  (Afrobeat Sessions)
femi kuti beng-beng: Ashley Beedles (Afrobeat Sessions)
Something About John Coltrane: Alice Coltrane (Journey in Sachi....)
Whispering Playa: TLC (FanMail)
Slow Down: Alicia Keys (Diary of Alicia Keys)
Dust: Van Dust (Van Dust)
Do Something: Macy Gray (On How Life Is)
Shumba: Bliss Gypsys (Live at the Guru Java)
Nothing you Can Do: David Foster (A Touch of David Foster)
Free: Destiny's Child (Destiny Fulfilled)
Love Song #3: Me'Shell Ndegeochello (Comfort Woman)
Morning: Janet Jackson (Janet)
Vibrate: Andre 3000 (The Love Below)
I Feel for You: Chaka Khan (Life is a Dance)
I Got that Fire: Juvenile (The Greatest Hits)
Why Do I Feel So Sad: Alicia Keys (Songs in A Minor)
Bonus Track: Jamiroquoi (Travelling without Moving)
Baby C'mon: Boyz II Men (Evolution)
Loyalty: Me'Shell Ndegeochello (Bitter)
We're a Winner: Curtis Mayfield (Mayfield Remixed)
Selfish: Toni Braxton (More than a Woman)
In the Morning: Aretha Franklin (A Rose is Still a Rose)
Son of a Gun: Janet Jackson (All For You)
Put that on Everything: Brady (Never Say Never)
Three Notes to Say I Love You: Vincente Amigo (City of Ideas)
The Hustle: Van McCoy (Pure Disco Vol. 2)
Virtue: Ani DiFranco (Up Up Up Up Up Up)
Talking in his sleep: Toni Braxton (Secrets)
Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!: Abba (Pure Disco Vol. 2)
I'll do it for you: King Brit Presents Sylk 130 (Re-Members Only)
I've been waiting: Terri & Monica (Poetic Justice Soundtrack)
Let's Take a Ride: Justin Timberlake (Senorita)


I paused a couple of times - meetings, talking to coworkers, lunch, etc... Not quite as eclectic as I expected - a lot of R&B....not many male artists though. Hmm....


Now - after seeing what I listen to (occasionally) gimme some recommendations!! I haven't purchased any new music in like two months - I need to make my playlists bigger.


G'night ya'll - stay safe now, ya hear??   

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Cheese on Aisle Three!!

(warning - all of the below is written while the author is still in the previously mentioned fog, and should be taken with a grain or two of salt.)


8 dollars a week isn't that much right?? Esp for the change to win hundreds of thousands?? Besides, I'm helping out the kiddies in the Tenn. Educational System. *nods head*


So - I'm here. Well, obviously I'm HERE, but I mean I'm in that mind space where I'm doing the 'mime-in-an-increasingly-smaller-box' thing. It's not that I HATE my job - no, no, no. I wish I could muster up the emotional intensity to hate it - it's just - boring. There ya go. That's the problem in a nutshell. I would be happier if I didn't HAVE time to write in OD, check my personal email(s), chat with my friends, play with my new phone - all that kinda stuff.


If I was swamped to a level that kept me challenged - I would be - happier, at least. Hm. Maybe not HAPPIER - but more invested. More involved. At this point, my focus has seriously shifted again, and I'm remembering why I got/took this job. Not to like it, no, no, no. I got this job for two reasons. 1) It pays 14K more than my last job did, and 2) they paid for us to move south.


So. *sigh* So. My plan is to work here for a year, maybe two - just long enough to pay off all of my bills - and then be done with it. I've been seriously thinking about what else I can do to make money. Obviously doula/midwife is very high on my list (number one, let's be honest) but I'm also thinking about interim things I can do - things I can start doing now, in order to bring in extra money to save/pay bills off faster. I'm still working on my novel - I'd fallen out of the just WRITE - you can fix it later midset, and I have to get back into that. I need - I want - a desk at home. I realized that how the computer is set up is VERY conducive to surfing, not so conducive to real work.


Um. I'm thinking I'm feeling a little rutty. Despite the fact that I'm doing new things, making new friends, going new places, having new experiences - I think.....I think I feel like all of that is external. I don't feel like my insides are growing/changing much. Yeah, I'm feeling pretty stagnant.  I was driving home from a telethon I was roped into volunteering for (but it was REALLLLY fun!!) and drove past a psychic that offered 'Chakra Rebalancing', and I was all like - hmmmm. I wonder what that would feel like.


I need a V8.

Monday, August 8, 2005

*twitches*

The brain is such an odd, delicate organism, and I hate PMS.


See - most women (as far as I know) get 'normal' PMS. They become grumpy, snippy, crampy, and highly irratible. Me? I feel like I've gone slightly crazy, and that reality is being forcably reinterpeted for me. *blinks* Okay, that makes me sound like I'm hallucinating, but I'm not. It's just that my emotional reactions to stuff is almost ENTIRELY illogical. Just don't make no damn sense. And - the really odd thing is that I can't express it - it's just like my whole world has gone wrong, everything sucks, and humans are utterly disgusting. Talk about severely antisocial. I wonder if this/that is what depression is like? And how interesting would that be - considering that Sarafem (the PMDS drug) is actually repackaged Prozac.


So. Trying to be nice. Hope that this 'fog' is done by this weekend, as I'm hosting a bookclub meeting, and really, I'd like to be nice.


Really.

Friday, August 5, 2005

The best book I've ever read

"What is the best book you've ever read, and how did it change you??"


The answer, which oddly enough instantly popped into my head considering how MANY books I've read in my life, is Dune by Frank Herbert.


I read Dune for the first time as an 11 year old. Who was I then? I could speak Arabic almost fluently, and could read it easily. I was a wonderful student, writing and reading at a sophmore (in college) level. I was a skilled cook and babysitter, and just barely approaching that line of puberty, which in the Islamic world that I grew up in, meant a radical shift in my freedoms and options and - more importantly to me - my learning.
Then, I picked up this book of one of my mom's friends, and from the first page I was hooked. I'm not sure if it was the Arabian 'feel' that wound all through the book and therefore connected it to where I was at that moment. I'm not sure if it was reading about the Bene Gesserit, and how a group of WOMEN were silently controlling the world in the background in an attempt to lessen war. I'm not sure if it was the proud free independence of the Fremen, where the men & the women were equally fierce and proud. I'm not sure if it was the power of prana and bindu, where you learned how to control your involuntary reactions, and thereby determine the face that the world saw. I honestly can't put my finger on ONE thing in this book that shook my world, and officially made it the best book I've ever read. I can't even tell you how it changed me - but after reading that book - the world itself was new, and fresh, and clean, and I KNEW that I had the option of controlling it - and I believed (and still do) that "Fear is the mind-killer".


It was the truest book I've EVER read - and every time I re-read it, it's still true. Herbert broke through into inner motivations and reasonings and subtle reactions of people - and described them so cleanly/purely that - it was truth - and it taught me more about how to READ people than - than anything else, ever. Like Paul, reading Dune, I could sense the truth of what he spoke. And 17 years later - I still quote from the book. I still pick it up and read it....and while it doesn't draw me in (largely because I know the whole damn thing by heart) as much as it used to....these words still resound as true as anything I've ever read - written by man or God.


I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

An Interesting Read....

3 stories from Steve Jobs (co-founder of Apple) —entertaining and profound!

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation.

Today I want to tell you 3 stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just 3 stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of ReedCollege after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 mos. or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out? It started before I was born. My biological mom was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduatess, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course."

My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college. And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK.

It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting. It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5ct deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on.

Let me give you one example: Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating. None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them.

If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later. Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky - I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation - the Macintosh - a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me ? I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over. I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I retuned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together. I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple.

It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes. I lived with that diagnosis all day.

Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now. This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept: No one wants to die.

Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions. Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age.

On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

Thursday, August 4, 2005

Chi-ching!!

HMm....where the hell does all the money go??


I mean - seriously - I don't understand.....between the two of us, we make more than enough money - yet we are consistently scraping the bottom of the barrell loose money wise. *shakes head* I don't get it.


I've downloaded our account history for the last month and a half - and I STILL don't get it.  *shakes head* I'm going to have to go through it again.


The numbers don't live up to the reality, thas all. And now that we have the car (praise yah!!) we have to sit down, and figure out how we are going to work it out now. Gah.


I hate budgets. I can't WAIT till some of these damn bills are paid off. I mean - SHEESH.


*frowns at excel*


*frowns harder*


And dammit, I can't get our full history.

Googlisms

Kiya is thought to have been a foreign princess
Kiya is 'Jovial Lady'
Kiya is peculiarly prominent
Kiya is given the lengthy title 'the greatly beloved wife of the king of Upper and Lower Egypt, Neferkheperure-Wa'enre, child of the Aten, who lives now and forever more'.
Kiya is a chaotic comedy
Kiya is no exception in any way what so ever
Kiya is a great film
Kiya is crawling and is into everything now!!
Kiya is triple-threat on the brink of stardom
Kiya is playful and loves to go
Kiya is half of the folk roots duo, Wishing Chair

Wednesday, August 3, 2005

Introducing.....

the newest member of our little automotive family......affectionately known as 'Thanos II' as it rather does look like C's last car - Thanos, who despite being named after a big/badass comic hero, still got smoked by an 18 wheeler.


I'm not sure what to do with myself. I think that I will go home, curl up with a good book, and go to sleep VERY early tonight. It's - odd - having another car now. I'm going to have to settle into a different schedule. And praise heaven, even if we follow their cheap/low little payment plan, it'll be paid of in 6 months. We are most likely going to double the payments though, so that'll be three months. How lovely.


If we weren't so damn broke, and I wasn't so damn tired,  I would go out this weekend.


In other good news - not pregnant. *nods* Took a test this morning - lovely little minus sign it was. Thrilled, am I. Not quite ready yet, are we.


 




 


Slow, slow, slow, work is. *nods* Time to write, it is. No clue why, typing like Yoda, I am. :)

Tuesday, August 2, 2005

work words

chewing on hair
bored
is it time yet?


must know problem
before
solving, you idiot.


meeting too long
info too short
use email next time


not my problem
fixed it anyway
thanks would be nice


despite eating here
do not ask me
to work now

Finally!!! FINALLLYYY!!!

Guess what ya'll??? *does a funky little dance*


C has a CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (note my joy, please?)


A car. C-A-R. He is going to pick it up TOMORROW (tomorrow, I love you, tomorrow). I'm so thrilled I could SPIT.  Bella - THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!! We went to City Autos, and found the perfect car for him. We finally agreed that as long as he got something that could be paid off quickly, he could get any damn kind of car he wanted - so, he ended up with a 99 Jetta - black - 108K - for 4800.00. He talked the guy into knocking off 1200 from the original price of 6K due to some of the repairs that need to be made to the car (and I think the prospect of getting MOST of the car's price in cash made the salesman willing to do damn near anything to insure the sale).  But - that means that there will be LESS than a grand left to pay off on it - even after you figure in sales tax & all that shit. I just hope (being the generally pessimistic angel that I am) that this car doesn't turn into a repair-o-rama.


*deep sigh* Ya'll, I'm soooo damn happy. Tonight - yes, yes - tonight - is *crosses fingers, prays to the giggling gods of automotive management* is the LAST TIME I will have to pick him up from work. In about a month, we will be a two income household again -more or less. Hell, we still need to figure out how much of his check can be reserved for the car. Shit, I don't know what I'll do with myself.


In other praticially heavenly financial news, I'm almost done (done, done, DONE!) with paying off my credit card consolidation loan. *deep breath* That'll be an extra 500 a month to put on other bills/save it about 3 months. *deep sigh*  Ooohhh... I can't wait to be mostly debt free. I need to see how much we still owe on that damn Citi Card - esp considering this fuckwittage that they are doing with minimum payments....I feel an reaming in the making. *sigh*


Oh. It's been a long *thinks* 11 months. Very,  very, very long.