Ramblin Ramblin Ramblin...

It is ridiculous that the only time I can write and not feel guilty about taking the time from something else is while I am at work. * shrugs * I guess that means I will have to write little bits through the week and then just post them at work.
I really don't have anything to talk about...but it seems like I have gone to long without writing..about anything. I haven't written any poetry in forever it seems...and as for stories or anything longer??? FORGET it.... I guess the reason that is to the forefront of my mind is because the call for submissions to my schools literary journal has gone out recently... and I think that I want to submit a picture & a poem...but I can't think of anything.... Tashi has 12 rolls of film of mine that she is supposed to be dropping off to get developed for me... and maybe I will find something in there.
hmmmmmm what else? Tashi's life is getting tragic & dramatic.... her husband is talking about leaving...and to all intents and purposes she is holding the door open for him to walk out of... * sighs * annnnyyywaayy....that should make life more interesting.. * shrugs * I don't know... it seems like she is becoming more and more gay... * laughs * which is kinda ironic because I have been feeling the same way...and it isn't because I have a lack of male companionship.. it is just the simple fact that men don't spark my candle as much....as womyn do...and it's not JUST Tashi either.... it is womyn in general...*smiles * I don't know... it would be fascinating (to me) if my bisexuality morphs into lesbianism...but then it may be the fact that I am simply too tired to really get hot for anybody too much... * smiles * half the time..when I get in bed I wanna go to SLEEP..... not get playful with any body....
and then there is this,.. I won't even call him a friend... more like an old fuck-buddy that is just itchin to get with me again....especially since I got my tongue pierced.... I am trying to think up some way to tell him that a snowball staying hard in hell has a better chance than him getting hard in me does..... : ) anyyhoow... where was I? oh yeah.. beds & heat & stuff.....oh yeah!! that is where I was going.... I read an entry to day of Gattaca's where he was talking about what he considers to be companionship.... what he thinks really matters to him. And it got me thinking.... what do I consider to be most important to a friend? in a friend? I am not sure....but it must be some kinda rare thing because I have so few REAL friends....yeah.. I have folx I am cool with... I have folx who know me a little.... but REAL FRIENDS? not many... and I think that only in real friends can you find real companionship...
Well I have a few surveys to complete... so I will wander off and do that now..* sighs * life is soooooo boring sometimes....

Stay Jazzed.

A day in the life of ......

When my love life gets wild...or when the rest of my life gets wild and my love life is the only thing that seems to be a safe haven...pieces of this poem by Queen Poet Nikki Giovanni drifts through my head:
THIS HAS GOT TO STOP
not the late night entamglings of you and me
not the early mornings kisses
not the lovewe share
but the intrustion of life into our love

Or something like that.. you get the general drift I am sure....And that is how I am feeling... *sighs* whoo it is so amazing to want to go forward with something and be unable to because it is simply unfeasible... stupid and emotionally dangerous. I mean...she's married. Argh. and yet all I wanna do is spend time with her...without him. *shakes head* the longer I am around her... the less men in general are a viable sexual choice to me.. yet at the same time I want a happy little family with the 3 or 4 kids and the house and all that...but will I be sharing it with a she or a he? This woman .... I'mma call her Tashi (not her real name...) is changing me ya'll...I tend to be slow in the starting of love and fasst in the ending of it...like a candle is a high wind...but somehow I feel like I am in a gentle brezze.. there is always the chance... but it is never fufilled. *sighs* Anyhoow.... I keep saying that I will write more... but these mad people who call themselves teachers at my school have severe emotional difficulties that make them do devious things to us. And when I am stressed...although I may not look it or act like it..I can write no more than I can make love...I become demonically focused... and very very touchy. *sighs* but when one teacher does something lovely...my entire life view changes....no one should have THAT much control over you....*shrugs* it sucks... but I can't imagine doing anything else.

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I have been taking pictures like cameras are going to vanish in 2000. I have 12 rolls of film that need to be developed...:) Tashi said that she would take then in to this discount place and get them done for me...*smiles* such a wonderful lady....but I haven't taken any pictures of her yet...I don;t know why...most likely I have never had my camera with me.. and I don't know how I Would take pictures...somehow my mental image of her is not what hse rally looks like which is odd.. I see pictures of her and I am like who IS that woman...and then I realize.. oh...hmmm I guess her aura doesn't translate well on film. What else? I have been taking pictures of all of the open sorority functions weh ave had...I took like 4 rolls over the summer of kids in the park... :) picture so f friends... pictures during the parade.. I figure the more I take. the better my eye will get and the more likely I will be to have som really GOOD pictures... *smiles*

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Diet Update: Well I am just past the two week induction phase, and I am supposed to start upping my carbs back up... but since I have ALOT of wieght to lose (close to 60 pounds) I am going to stick to induction for a while longer to insure that I stay in ketosis. *sighs* I need to go grocercy shopping and buy some ketosis sticks so I can keep track. I have lost 9 pounds so far... ( as of Saturday), butI don;t feel any different. :) I can't wait to lose enough that I can tell that I am smaller...it is odd the things that finally force you to decide oh NO..it stops here... for me it was the fact that for about 3 weeks I was falling almost everyday...I was unblanced and heavy on my feet. and I was falling HARD... it was starting to really scare me..and then the fact that I was having ahard time walking up hills and breathing right. *shake head* I was scared for my health and my bones...and at that point I decided no more...for me & for my body & for my health I have GOT to lose weight. And I will....while eating and exercising. *smiles* and since I can s till eat...most foods... it will be no discomfort to continue on this. I just have to be super aware of what is in food...like a diabetic would be..which is cool...because my problem was always in limiting how MUCH I could eat... but because of my upbringing...it has always been almost second nature to limit what I COULD eat. So... I am on this diet.. and *smiles* Hopefully my mom will notcie the poundage loss...if SHE notices... then I know am I really losing.. :) she notices any change in me.

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Okay.. enough babbling.... I wanna thank all the folx who have been coming thorugh and leaving encouraging words in my notes...*smiles & hugs all a round*

Stay Jazzed.

Unmasking the Night

I have alot on my heart and mind right now, and I am not sure exactly how I want to deal with it..if at all. T convinced me (not a hard thing to do) to come and sty the night over her house on Saturday. I agreed, and had a pretty good time. Didn't get there until late, but still a good time was had by all.
I woke up Sunday to the sounds of an arguement. Her and T were having it out...*sighs* and at that moment I wished thst I had a car so that I could just get up, get dressed and leave. I did not like being the neutral party to both sides in my parent's rocky marraige/divorce..and I am not liking it now. Of course, my sympathies lie with Tfemale *shrugs* where else could they go, but I am scared of what might happen between us if they DO break up. I know I am not ready to be anybody's one & only. and I don't think that I would be anywhere near ready or willing to do that for her.. Love not with standing. Later hse came in and told me that the arguement was not about me, but I mean really... *sighs* I don't want to be anywhere near coming between a couple. I never wanted it to be...and even if it is the fact of her being bisexual, and not the fact of her being with me... STILL...I currently represent her bisexuality. *sighs* I don't know. I wish I was blinder to the facts... I wish I wasn't so damn observant, I wish I could pretend that all is well. But it isn't...so I am flowing and going along the best I can. She told me (in a sideways kinda way) that she has a diary on here, and I have decided not to even consider looking for it. We all deserve some little amount of privacy.. to hash out the issues that come up in our lives.

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Anyway....other than the minor amount of chaos in my lovelife...everything else seems to be going well. School is still kicking my rump, but I kick back every chance I can...and I think that I will end up on top. A little more than a month to finals... and I have a strong B average going on...this might be a good year.
I am on this diet, called the Atkins Diet, (low carb) and have been on it for roughly a week and a few days, and I have already lost 9 pounds. :) It is hard to stick to, but since both me & T are on the diet, that support makes it easier. I am eating more meat than I ever wanted to, and will have to find SOMETHING to keep me ummmm regular.... but I am thrilled by the fact that for the frist time a diet is WORKING for me, and thatI may actually be able to reach my goals without pulling my hair out.
Hmmm.. unmasking the night....last night WAS Halloween ( how odd that it fell on a Sunday) and I wrote a little something in the day's (and night's) honor.

I hide behind the mask
that holds my heart in check
I hide behind the spectacle
that lets my mind protect
I hide behind the words
that fall away with fear
I unmask the night
and run away from here

The night holds all the terrors
of a life too sharply led
the night holds the fears
that follow me to bed
the night takes me to task
for all I think I lack
the night hovers
in silence
breathing down my back
I unmask the night
And face all my fears
I unmask the night
and make my stand here.

Coming Out of The Box

I read an article not too long ago about how some fundamentalists types were accusing some large universities (oh how I WISH I had remembered more details) of concealing rampant lesbianism in their Women's Studies departments. They went as far to say that the school should be honest and call them Lesbian Studies so that girls would not be drawn to the department under false pretences. This has been floating in the underbelly of my mind for a while... and it wasn't until I started really READING about the history of my college (an all women's school) that the reason for its continual floating in my mind.

One) Okay... yeah... sometimes the Women's Studies Department does have slightly more gay/bi women in it than most other departments. It is a matter of going where you heart leads you. But at the same time... there are more straight folx out there than gay ones ANYWAY.... * rolls eyes * so that is kind of a moot point.

The next thing that intrigues me was something very simple.... but frightening at the same time... The fundamentalist assumed that because it was Women's Studies...most of the women interested would be gay ones. They believed somehow... that the determination of real woman hood is only in relation to manhood. And while I can in my logical mind understand that concept of polarities. (man/woman dark/bright young/old), the intuitive portion of me recoils from it. Why...are we defined in terms of what the other lacks? Why... in order for me to be considered a 'real' woman.... I must shun all of those things that have been classified as 'manly'? Why ... in order to be a real 'man' he has to shun those things that are classified as 'womanly'?? Why is there such a chasm.. a gap between what is and is not... it seems that it would make...so much.... simpler if we viewed ourselves as PEOPLE/humans foremost.. and then as man/woman next... to further separate ourselves. * sighs * Just like the black/white divide.

And I think the reason that it was floating on my mind even more is because I am SICK SICK SICK and tired of being boxed.. categorized.. and expected to make a single choice from a million and one options. *sighs * I am trying to escape out of this tiny box called black bisexual womanhood into a mental, emotional and physical state called Jazzybelle. I am TIRED of being limited in what I can do by fears of what I will be called and considered. I am TIRED of busting my hump to fit into some mold that pinches and prods and gets tighter by every day. Dammit I want to be ME so bad I can taste it in my very bones.... and yet sometimes... I wonder if one woman can ever hope to escape from centuries of societal pressure....and still be sane.


Stay Jazzed.

Runaway Heart-umm I mean fingers

holding my hands between your thighs
your heat
makes me drift
into a funk of
passionate entanglings
and brazen bliss
wild river woman
changing like the tides
taking my heart
my mind
my soul
on an impossible lovers ride
like cool spring rain
falling over me
you take me
and turn me
and burn me
until I am simply
a tower of flame
you are my hearts guiding light
sweet summer water woman
with the aura of
love
passion
and pain
can I be yours
tomorrow….
and today?

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So...what is a woman to do when she thinks she is falling in love with another woman? who happens to be married? *smiles* I don't know what I can do.. this whole episode.. this whole relationship thing has me off kilter. and since it is so out of the norm (the trio version of a relationship) who can I talk to? My straight friends wouldn't understand me falling for a woman... the gay ones would have issues with the fact that she is married... to a man no less... so I sit here and write bad poetry and wonder if I will ever get up the nerve to say I love you... even in a joking way...cuz I have been scared from the start... afraid of where loving a woman might take me...and I don't think I want to know where really loving a woman will lead.
The only problem is.. somedays that seems to be all I can think about... my T**** as I call her...I get jealous of her husband...cuz he wakes up to her everyday. Yeah... ain't nothing all sweet...and I have enough issues to keep me out of a relationship for years to come... but still.... falling for her is the sweetest thing I have done in so long... and my life is almost stable sometimes and...and I just don't know what to do with my self.. or her.

So I sit here...and talk to her.. and wish for someone else to come and sweep me out of her life and out of this thing that will have to end in misery... cuz there is no sunny way out. And I have no interest in forming nay new relationships with a man...*shrugs* I have been spoiled my a passion that is so much like my own that I can no longer see fighting to form the bonds and limits of love with someone whose idea of passion is a kiss in the morning and a good f****** every night.
And I am fighting to find a man who doesn’t relate to me on a level of passion before he peeps into my heart...yeah I am fighting to find a woman like that too...but we are so different. *sighs* With some men... most men who are attracted to a woman... the thought of sex is a barely concealed ideal..hidden only by societies and the 'good' girls demand that sex isn't what she is all about.
Am I babbling??? am I racing on and on?? yeah maybe but I have to get all of this off of my heart & out of my head before I turn to do some real work...sometimes the only time I ain't wondering what I am going to do with myself and my wayward heart is when I am programming... and that is only cuz I have to devote my entire mind to what I am writing...computers are anal about precision...


whoooo that was a trip... i guess when the urge is on all you can do is write...and write and write. Hold me tight and neva let me go...cuz I don't know where I would be without you....

Stay Jazzed.

Into the Looking Glass

She walks in darkness like the night
of cloudless climes
and starry skies
and all that is best
of dark and bright
meet in her aspect & her eyes


That little piece of poetry drifts through my head sometimes, and it bugs me that I don’t know who wrote it…but that was just a starting point for something else….somewhere else.
I have a confession to make. I am a lurker…. I drift through diaries… through peoples lives on here and never leave any trace of my passing.. .like mist like clouds like the spider web you feel but never see…I interact with almost 30 people on the OD and they are not aware of it… I miss people and I hope that some folx get there relationships together and that others love harder and some love less. I hope that some get a job.. and that others start writing and that some figure out what they want… I hope that many heal…. and that others become aware that they need healing. and I don’t leave notes cuz I don’t know what to say.. how can I compress all that I am thinking into 250 characters? How can I compose my verbose words of hope & love and concern & sympathy into something that fits & doesn’t sound trite or empty? How do I pull that off.. and still remain true to the sprit that I came into this diary with of a place of intensely personal introspection? *shrugs* I haven’t figured it out yet… and sometimes I wonder if I like having this really personal space that people have to stumble onto t to find me…. never feeling a need to demonstrate or show off or write on a daily basis… or even respond t o notes because this is mine….and then people vanish and I feel a loss and a lack and somehow I Wish I had someone to share that lack with… in the same way that sometimes I Wish I had someone to share the joy that other diarists on here go through with…. and I wonder.. how can I hide in my own world… and still be a part of theirs?
Anyhow….enough introspection for right now. *lauhgs8 I don’t know..so much & so little at the same time is going on in my life.. I feel like the eye of a hurricane sometimes… standing still amongst utter chaos..
Annyhhoooowwww…. I just had to vent about that…. and I think I might start forcing myself to do note runs… just go through my favorites and scatter notes….on whatever touches me…. maybe I will be come a better more open person.. : ) maybe I Will just become more connected to a whole nother community…. ah well… until I write again…

Stay Jazzed…..

Baby Love

I'm tired. And lonely. and need love. and am too busy to even SEE the folx that are here who love me. and I want something more than most of them can give. I want more than I am prepared to handle. *sighs* And I don't want to fall for anyone who offers me love because then I may not be happy with the rest of the package that comes with it. and I am to tired to hold out.. when the mind works overtime it frees up too much control over the heart. and that I don't have the time or the energy for.

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I float away
lost on the dirfts of your love
filled with the thoughts of your arms
wrapped around my sleeping body
I settle down
belly curved and fulll
with the memories
and reminder of our love
warm with the feel
of my arms wrapped around
our child
I cry
with the joy of loving you
and holding her
and turning a corner
into a new life
that is all love.

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but I guess this is part of the challenge that is my life...learning how to do without that which seems sometimes to be all that I need. annnyhow.... I am off. To study and the like. *sighs* goodnight.....

Stay Jazzed...

Bland as a raw Egg

It's been entirely too long since I have written, mainly because I have been so busy... and because I no longer seem to have anything to write about.
School has narrowed my life into some very boring channels...everything that I do is now focused on either passing or making money or combining the two somehow. My minute social life does still exist, and I have to thank my friends who have been keeping me fed & warm for the past few weeks.. but there no longer seems to be any depth to what I do. I eat (sometimes) sleep, go to class, go to work, study, do homework, sleep, and repeat the cycle with various time spans. I have even started TALKING like my major... using jargon in ways that it really should never be used. *sighs * I MISS being in the real world, and I am even more confused by these people who say.. " Oh I want to stay in school... I don't want to get a job and be in the 'real world'" *shrugs * Maybe it is just the fact that I WAS out there, and I had a job, and I paid my bills, and I had fun... alot more fun than I am having now....and now that I am BACK in school.. I STILL have to deal with the same issues. I still have to pay rent, and eat, and try to pay my credit card bills..and ALL of the same bull I was doing before.... except now I have one job that has 10-12 hour long days, plus take home work...and doesn't PAY!

okayy...end bitter rant

But it is kinda scary.. I have nothing to write about.... I mean.. *sighs * I'm not DOING anything...or even considering doing anything...creative & or interesting.... my life has become small and boring again..... I suppose this means that I have to start forcing myself to write. Stories have been popping up in my mind every once in a while... and some of my dreams have been works of art...so I guess that shall be my goal.. my adventure... to write my fiction/dreams and keep the creative juices juicy. Ah well.... until a story pops up....

Stay Jazzed

The World goes round and round and round and round

I have finally figured something out…well maybe not figured it out.. but grown to a point where I can put it into words. Life…is all about choices. *nods* okay.. yeah that may be obvious as hell.. but I mean that in a deeper way. I mean it… mainly dealing with my world. Not my life as I live it per se, but the world that I move through. I have a choice to make, and I have been making one choice without even realizing that the other option was available.

In my world.. I have a choice, I can either decide to move within a very enclosed circle, only touching those who I have deemed worthy of approach…. OR I can leave myself open to everyone, opting to touch & be touched by those who I would normally not even CONSIDER worthy… much less allow to approach.
The one approach (the one I am currently taking) would keep me safe, allowing me to closely monitor and define who and what I dealt with on a daily basis. The second approach (the one I am considering) would open me so much to much more… hurt & anger & incivility…but I would learn on a daily basis…and what I would learn would be totally outside of my normal sphere of life. And by choosing to be open to life & to the world as a whole….I might meet some folx who will be what I need…even though they are not what I want. I will be able to increase my patience (which tends to be very very thin) perhaps touch up on my sympathetic side….and discover & explore so much more. *sighs* Maybe……..

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Okay…. that is all of the deep & insightful stuff I have for today…. and it still isn’t finished.. but that is all that felt like coming out today….. Let’s see.. what has been going on in my life lately? School is kicking my tail….. making me really remember what hard work is all about…I miss Nee…and my friends who came down for Labor Day…. such wonderfully wonderful people : ) My tongue ring is healing very nicely….while I still have to be careful of how I chew… it works rather nicely. : ) I have been trying to figure out how my mother will react to it… but I will crosss that bridge when it comes. I have been spending entirely too much time with JEH lately… and *sighs* I don’t know. We have a very .. odd relationship. and that is where I will leave that discussion. I have my books for school ( Thanks Mom!) but the Finance commision is still screwing with my PLUS loan…. and many many many bills are rapidly approaching that due date and god only knows WHEN I will get paid. *sucks in breath* okay… ; ) but I have food in the house..and the phone and the light are still on and my rent is paid so… I am okay.. really.
My house needs to be cleaned and I need to run to the corner store and I reallly really need to get started on some of this homework….

Stay Jazzed.

Of a Chicken and It's Head

Okay.. so I'm tired. Grumpy. Hating most of humankind right now. And so...into it all it is amazing.

My labor Day weekend was lovely... I had two old friends and one new friend staying in my place for Black Pride and we ran the streets every night. The only thing that I regretted was the fact that there was not more of a mixed scene. The women had their own parties and the men had theirs. So I was living in a happy little gay world for a while. Then Monday... I was on the train..having spent and absolutely lovely day hanging out with JEH.. and I hear the comments start.... there are two obviously gay & in love Black men sitting in front of us.. and when they get off the comments.. nasty hateful cutting comments start.

My whole little happy bubble of peace and contentment crashed in hard & sudden. I felt so furious & so sad & so helpless all at once. I just left the company of men who were better then those who threw the comments.. so much so that it would put them to shame.. yet since they fuck women they are considered some sort of superior being.
I wanted to cry.
I have never felt so...so hopeless. How...why do people hate so much? It goes beyond the human thing of fearing what you don't understand...it goes beyond a social thing of thinking that it is immoral.. it goes into a whole nother level... a entirely different realm of the blackness of the human heart.
I wanted to scream.
How DARE they say such things? What gave them the right? And why...why did those two brothers have to walk out of the train hearing those words in thier ears... keeping THAT as the last memory they had of this city? How can people be so cruel...to those that they don't even know?
And...worst of all I felt ashamed.
Shamed because I kept silent...shamed because my heart wept and I could do nothing. Shamed because I was so secure in my appereance of hetrosexuality that I would be approved...even tho I love just as they do. And I wondered...as I looked around the crowded train... how many other hearts were weeping in the silence... where all we could hear echoing in our ears was

North Avenue Station. Where all the faggots and the sisses and the girly boys get off to fuck each other and fuck up the world. Man I HATE them bitches. I wish they would all die.. I wish they all had AIDS. I wish one of them would look at me so I could beat his punk ass down


I'm running around
like a chicken with no head
I have gone beyond
being a chicken head
to something far more rare
and far harder to see
a woman
who wants
the world to be
like me.

Stay Jazzed.