I did it -

ahead of time, even. I've got an appointement, June 23rd (pretty quickly too) at 1:30pm. Yayy me!

Okay - done with the stuffage of face, and now, as usual on Monday's, I really don't blanketyblanking feel like working. Actually, I take that back - I NEVER feel like working. I'm enjoyin the job, I'm enjoying the extra money, but good lord is it dull. About to have a team meeting, and as I do the same stuff every week - it's hard to list my accomplishments.

On our bookclub newsgroup, someone asked - just for fun, what would be the first thing you would do if you won 100 million dollars (obviously inspired by the Powerball Shindiggy). My instictive answer was to pay off all of me & C's bills, and then take a period of rest to figure out what we were going to do next. *thinks* Let's see, I would pay off the bills, pay for my mom's house, prepay for my grandmothers funeral (she's one of those women who is VERY worried about what's going to happen to her corpse), and maybe help my uncle out (he's - a mess, to say the least - the main reason my gramma had to claim bankruptcy). I've no clue what C would want to help his family out with - definitely set up a college fund for his little brother, and heaven knows, I don't think money would do his other little brother any good.
I'd CERTAINLY quit, but I don't think that C would - his career is his passion (the lucky/wise bastid) and his current job (while not paying as much as he might want) is certainly teaching him more about his passion - it's kinda like going to school and having someone pay YOU for it. He would obviously get the car of his dreams, and while I would keep my car (I love my car - and have no interest in breaking in a new one) it would get utterly tricked out/tuned up/undented/painted/damn near rebuilt.
We'd start looking for a house - if we won tomorrow, I know that we wouldn't want to move out of Memphis right away (if ever), and with that kind of money, we could buy a house outright. I'd jump, both feet first, into being a doula - or might even just skip that, and try to apprentice with one of the midwives. The IUD would most certainly come out (hell, that might happen first)....and I honestly think that's about it. Our house would be beautifully decorated - ah! I'd have to pay off my three best friends college/debt/bills - that would be my one and only gift to them.

Such a gift that is though - being young, moderately successful, and with no debt. A completly clean slate - where would you go from there? Even if I didn't give them enough to be able to take a break from life (rent and so forth) at least it would be enough to not have to be - handcuffed to your past financial choices.

Speaking of which, C talked to the landlord about the whole 'free high speed connection thing' and he said he would cut us a check for 12 months at the rate we have now. Sweeetttt.....half of that is going to go towards C's car (any 'extra' money we get - half goes to his car now) and the other half will go to the cable. It's not like I MIND paying for it - it's just that he told us it would be free, so we shouldn't HAVE to pay, ya know?

I'm considering cutting my hair - it's getting very 'choppy' in back as the old bits shed, which is a natural side effect of having loc, esp. ones as thin as mine. So, I'm thinking about trimming it to about shoulder length (maybe a wee bit longer in the back) to even it out, and give it a chance to all grow out evenly.  It still won't be ALL the same length, as I'm not going to go THAT short, but at least it won't be quite as noticable. It just has to stay long enough to allow for a ponytail.

Hmm....no meeting today. Dammit. That's always an easy way to waste an hour. And C is in training today, so it's not even like he'll be able to come and pick me up early. *grumpalicious*

deaths, weddings, births......

Hmm... seems like I've suprised quite a few people in the fact that I've never been to a funeral.....but then, I'm lucky in that not many people around me have died....
1) My greatgranpa died when I was about 5? 6? - I didn't go, as my stepfather thought I was too young. I can't remember if my mom went - but I doubt it.
2) My aunt - I loved my auntie, she died when I was around  8 or 9, and I wasn't allowed to go to her funeral either.
3) My greatgamma - she dies when I was *thinks* 20? - it was finals week and my mom told me that I was NOT coming the 16 hours home for a funeral.
4) One of my friends brothers died....I think that I went to his wake, but not the funeral. I was 6 then.

I guess that to me/us - funerals aren't that big of a deal. The spirit is already gone, the person is already dead - witnessing their last resting place isn't really THAT crucial. My mother and I talk about her funeral all the time - she doesn't WANT one. She's still muslim, so no embalming, no 3K coffin - just a shroud and a pinebox.  Me? I want to be cremated and spread into the Atlantic.  C wants to be cremated - he hasn't quite decided what to do with the ashes. I always tell him that I'm going to get him turned into a diamond......we are all very - comfortable with death, I suppose is the best way to put it. I've accepted the fact that when I die, and if I have all my faculities still intact, I'm ALWAYS going to feel like I died too early. Sooo.......with that awareness - it's like, when it's my time, it's my time. It's gonna suck no matter what.

That made me start thinking though - I've never been to a funeral, only been to one birth (besides mine, and even then I was only *thinks* 8?) and I've been to ONE 'classic' wedding besides my own. I went to all of my mom's weddings, of course (3) but - as they were all Muslim weddings, it was a whole different kind of process.

I haven't been to hardly any of those 'life events' really - I guess I've been kind of lucky that way.

 

---

 

It's Monday. Bllegghh... a nasty rainy Monday too - and it's cold as HELL in my office. Warmish outside though - which is nice. Tonight is the first swimming lesson - I'm all excited and stuff. My hair's getting lighter - I think I might end up as a strawberry blond. Very strawberry.

Okay - stuffing my face now - maybe more later.

stuff.

Heavens, I needed that sleep. That's one thing I'm nervous about having kids over - the lack of extended periods of sleep. I'm getting worse and worse at staying up all night/going without sleep as I get older. Interesting - I wonder if that's another biological reason to have kids younger rather than older?

I was reading OD (which C doesn't read, if I've never made that clear - he knows about, but doesn't read - unless he's reading behind my back, and I doubt that.) last night after I picked him up, and he was sitting on the couch next to me, half watching TV, half dozing off. I realized as I scanned through my favorites, that about 2/3 of them had baby pictures on their entries. 2/3. And the only reason I noticed, is because I was wondering what C was seeing as the glanced at the screen/at me - and it was almost always baby pictures.

I smoke. Not sure how many people (who I haven't met) know that. My family doesn't know. My best friend saw me bum a smoke at the bachelorette party (as I didn't bring any, and refused to buy any, as my mother has an amazing nose) but she doesn't know I SMOKE. One of my other friends knows that I smoke, but he does too, so we amusingly comment on the levels of our addiction. There. I admitted it. Despite how much I stubbornly claiming not to be. I. AM.  A. SMOKER. 
C hates it. I used to smoke cloves (now THERE'S a gateway drug) and when I first went to Geneva, I couldn't find any (came to find out, they're illegal there. Found that out on one of my last trips. Freaked me out, as I had been bringing CASES over to tide me over the 4-6 week trips), so for the first few trips, once I ran out of cloves, I would smokes squares. As I was freaked out my the whole illegal thing (which amused the shit out of me, as weed is alegal. *snort*) I just started smoking squares. Now, my smoke of choice is Camel Turkish Jade (they're a menthol). And I'm hooked. I'm going to stop, as soon as I get my IUD out. 

Speaking of which, I've been dragging my feet on getting an OBGYN appt set up. I use a Keeper which requires you to get pretty darn initmate with your inner bits - which obviously, I have no trouble doing (thankfully, considering I wanna be a midwife!). What does bother me (and I haven't explored why I'm dragging my feet) is that every cycle since December, when I've used it, I've felt something hard and pointy poking at the tops of my fingers. I know that my cervix drops approaching/during my period, and I'm wondering if the IUD has shifted/partly explused itself. I went to a nurse-practicion shortly before I left Indy and she said that everything looked/felt fine - except that her length of my string seemed at odds with what I remembered it to be, and I wasn't on my period. She suggested that I go and get an ultrasound, which I was going to do - but then the whole moving thing interrupted me. And at this point, I just keep 'forgetting' to make the damn appointment - that';s not quite true. Everytime I THINK of it - it's the wrong time to call and make an appointment.  I'm going to go RIGHT NOW and set up a pretty little reminder e-card to arrive at my WORK email on Tuesday (Monday's are too hectic, and I wipe my email from the previous week) to remind me to set up the appointment.

I - I'm just rambling here. But. *deep breath* I've got to do something soon. I'm rambling from the guts here, and - *deep breath* I jsut don't know. I do know, but I know that what I know is simply NOT HAPPENING right now......and I get so damn frustrated at/with myself and C that - I don't know. It's a big fat purple elephant in the back of my brain. All the time. Even when I don't think it's there - it is.

And this is why I have to take a huge leap of insanity to buy an iPod. Because it's just for me and not for my dream. The Y, on the other hand is for the dream. It's just. *sigh* Ya know, I'm really too fucking logical sometimes.

*totally off topic aside* Has anyone else noticed that as your 'write in your diary' page uploads, the name of the editor is FCKeditor/fckEditor.somefileextension?? Heh. Think Bruce & his programming eleves had a bit of a time getting it set up? Also - the bar at the bottom of the page that normally tells you how much of your page has loaded? It changes the more you type in your window. I should try to find something with 30K characters and see if it hits full. *end of totally off topic aside*

And spoiled, really. Spoiled senseless. See - that's the real sign of being spoiled - when you spite YOURSELF because what you can get isn't what you want. Or is that logic too? Why settle for something less than your image of perfection? Even if it is something that you want - why rush it just because you're worried that if it doesn't happen now, it'll never happen? And it's spoiled because most people don't even - don't even consider it important. Most people blow off what you're having a big ass purple elephant sitting in your head about because it just.isn't.reasonable. It isn't. It's just NOT how things are most of the time. That's life in America. And I'm spoiled enough to refuse to accept that. To say that MY way is the highway, and no matter how much 'easier' it would be to just say fuck it and do it the 'normal' way. I'm not. I refuse. I will not. And I'm not sure if I'm more stubborn or smart, more spoiled or reasonable, more emotional or logical. It's too damn emotional to be logical - and I CAN'T talk to C about it because - because I can't. I can't dump this big fat load of bitterness and worry and fear on his head - there's nothing that can be done at this point to change it, and it won't make me feel any better. It'll just give me someone to gnaw at the elephant with dull teeth with me.

Gah. I think way too much.

and of course.....

the second I get home, I'm wide awake. *snort* figures.

Anyhow - I stole this a while ago, but never did it....

A is for age: 28
B is for booze: Sunset over Cancun
C is for career: Computer Crap
D is for dad's name: Rayford
E is for essential items to bring to a party: breath mints, and alcohol (as much as I drink it, I can NEVER spell it!)
F is for favourite song at the moment: ummm - don't really have one
G is for girlfriend: Nee
H is for hometown: Chester
I is for instruments you play: Air Guitar
J is for jam or jelly you like: Strawberry Jam
K is for kids: none, yet. *pout*
L is for living arrangements: lovely duplex.
M is for mom's name: Naeelah
N is for name of your best friend: *grins* Corey
O is for overnight hospital stays: none
P is for phobia[s]: none, really....
Q is for quote you like: do what thou wilt, and harm none
R is for relationship that lasted the longest: current
S is for sexual position: favorite? most often used? I need more detail here!.
T is for time you wake up: as late as possible
U is for unique trait: my random collection of useless facts 
V is for favourite vegetable: Spinach
W is for worst trait: Procrastination
X is for x-rays you've had: chest and dental
Y is for yummy food you make: Pasta ala Leftover (currently smelling up the house - and no, he didn't load the dishwasher. *rolls eyes*
Z is for zodiac sign: Capricorn

Firsts
First job: Chester Library
First screen name: Jaguara (took me a while to remember that)
First funeral: I don't think I've every been to a funeral
First pet: Jihada, my evil ass cat
First piercing: Ears at 6 months
First tattoo: Flame on my right hip
First credit card: ChaseManhattan (the college signing up, put you in debt forever bastards)
First kiss: ohhh....Abdullah freshman year of highschool
First enemy: hmm....can't think of the first - the one I remeber most was Shelly, the bitch.
First favourite musician: TLC (I think)


Lasts
Last car ride: Today on my way home
Last kiss: This morning
Last movie watched: ummm - Ronin
Last beverage drank: Beer
Last food consumed: an olive
Last phone call: Landlords brother calling about the rent - but C has the checkbook, ah well.
Last time showered: This morning.
Last CD played: I don't play no stiinkin CD's - but last song listened to? Ummm....something on the iPod
Last website visited: OD


Now
Single or Taken: Married
Sex: female?
Birthday: January 13
Sign: didn't I answer this one already?
Siblings: Nil
Hair colour: dark strawberry blond
Eye colour: Dark brown
Shoe size: 8 1/2
Height: 5'5"
Wearing: old beat up sundress
Drinking: Beer

Ah yes, funness.

 

Oh sweet merciful HEAVENS.....

thank god it's friday. I swear - this.....has been one HELL of a week. The week after a long weekend is the worst - your body's gotten all comfy & ish with no schedule but your own - and then to be forced back into this madness - gah! but it's friday.

I'd like to report for the record that I am tired as hell, I overslept this morning (supposed to wake up at 7:30, rolled my antijolly ass out of bed at 8:45 - oops!), I wanna go HOME and lay in the sun but out beloved trees are too damn big, and if this STUPID system doesn't start working I might seriously hafta hurt something.

Ahh... I feel better having gotten that out. It's the tiredness, really - I'm here, but I'm no where NEAR as alert and aware as I should be - brainfog du jour. I skipped breakfast, had popcorn and a couple animal crackers for lunch, and am seriously considering something amazingly unhealthy for dinner - if my darling husband loaded the dishwasher I might cook some Pasta ala Leftover tonight - I wanted to last night, but we were out of onions, and I'm sorry - pasta just ain't pasta without the FRESH onions.
*LOL* Speaking of which - we've made an organic pesticide/stay the hell offa my herbs concontion (I love the internet) basically, it's garlic, onion, cayenne pepper, steeped in hot water, then strained, and a smidge of dishwashing soap (the kind you use in the sink, not the kind that goes in the machine). So far, it seems to be working well - keeping the slugs offa our stuff, at least. The amusing part is that after I sprayed the plants last night, our patio smelled like hot cooked dinner - as those three ingredients go in almost EVERY meal we eat. Amusing, much.

I've made it through today with my subliminal weight loss CD. Now, I THINK it was [Jane Says] who first used this, and I had to scurry on over to eBayyyyyyy and see if I could snag one. I've had it for ages, but never really listened to it (inconvienent, ya know?) but last night I uploaded it to my iPod. It's very peaceful - all I hear is the sound of waves on the beach, and the occasional seagull. I was worried that it would make me sleepy, but it's actually JUST the right kind of background noise - enough that if it's low enough, I can still hear it and the conversations of people around me without any problems. I know there's some sort of message hidden in the waves, but I'm not sure what it is - hopefully it's not 'Kill da Waaabbbiit!! Kill da WAAABBBIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTT' but - hey, we'll see if it works. I listen to this at work, and listen to 'real' music during the drive to work and back home so that I don't feel the need to encourage the slow ass people in front of me into going a little faster with the use of my front bumper. Gah. the sign says 45, why does my speedometer say 35? Hmmm? hmmmmmmmm?????

I plan on doing NOTHING this weekend except for my scary, scary toes and fingernails. Ooooh... I've been wearing the big clunky shoes the last few days cuz my toes are NOT a sight for anyones eyes. The hands aren't too bad (if I can stop mangling them) but they nails need to be shaped and maybe even colored. C is getting the car tommorow, and by all that's holy if he wakes me up for anything otherthan a goodbye kiss, it's gonna be ON. 

Something kinda gross/scary - I've got a LOT of dandruff (I think) all of a sudden. I'm not sure if it's dandruff, or my poor scalp bitching at me about the wide variety of caustic chemicals I put on it two weeks ago. I know my scalp is sensitive - I would get HUGE scabs in my hair after almost every perm....my hair is so odd! I've got a very tender scalp, very fine hair, that happens to be amazingly nappy and stubbornly resistant to almost ANYTHING I do to it.  I think I might give my scalp a little Carol's Daughter lurve this weekend too.

Well - as soon as this FINAL stupid process finishes running, I'm clicking 'send' on my already written status update email, I'm turning this sucker off, and I'm goin HOME.

Have a fabulous weekend, beautiful people!

thoughts as I read

Taken In Hand:

I like the idea of an oldschool, romantic, swooning, he is mine and I am his kinda relationship. Where I know that I DON'T need him, but I want to feel everyday like I do. I'm much more comfortable with this concept of submission - emotional and mental more than persistently physical.

But one thing that is repeated is trust. Trust in the man to make the right choices. Trust in putting the last word in his hands. And the delicate ability to give him the right to make that decision, and still gently correct him where he proves to be wrong. I've noticed myself doing that more lately - or getting more irritated because he just WOULDN'T make a decision - and basically made me feel like all the responsibilty rests on me.

shit...must run.

---

I had to go and pick him up last night - kinda lost track of time. Anyhow, continuing on....

As I read more and more - I'm vacilating. I know that our relationship isn't working right now - I DO harbor some bitterness, and some reserve, and some uncertainty that what we have now is what I need - much less what HE needs. And - I'm willing, nay eager, to find SOMETHING that will let us both be happy. I think that I know what would make me happy - but I'm not sure if that is what he wants - what's his image of a perfect relationship? I think that what we have NOW might be his image (minus the craptastic sex life) and - I know that it's not mine. And because I know that what we have now doesn't makes him happy, and it doesn't make me happy either - what steps can be taken to make us both happy?

And yeah - there's always the awareness that sex every other day is really alllllll he needs at this point - but I need more. And maybe - hopefully, I'll be able to figure out what I NEED to be happy......besides the inital comments that started this whole exploration.

---

I've always had a really - clear view - on the kind of relationships I admired - hell, even the first screenick I made for the both of us reflected what I really wanted - I want to be a Sultana. The Sultan's wife, his number one love, his - amor, his angel, his queen. *laugh* I always believed that I would be a wonderful princess/number one harem girl.

How would that change our relationship now - as far as how I would feel/act? I'm going to try very hard to ignore the financial aspects implicit in all of those scenarios.

Okay - my main concerns in life would be our house, and our relationship. I would be able to handle, manage, and organize both - and still be able to enjoy the things that interest me. I would feel like we are equal partners - both focused on taking care of us, despite the fact that we do that in different ways. Maybe the biggest thing is that I would feel like - no, I would KNOW that he cared about our lives/home together as much as I do.

And ya know - writing that out, I think that I might be being utterly unfair to him. He DOES care about us - hell, sometimes I think he cares about us more than I do. But - dammit. It all comes back to the little things - the actual actions, and not the emotions. I straighten up. I clean the house. I wash the clothes. I make sure the cats have food and their litter is clean. I keep track of the bills. I handle most of our interactions with the outside world. I support us in almost all ways - including financial. And a lot of the time, I feel like he's just sitting back, garnering all of the benefits of my hard work (not that I don't benefit as well - I DO!!) without actually equally shouldering the load.

I constantly FEEL dominant - that if I just sat down and said - No more - nothing, literally nothing that makes a house a home would get done. If I didn't set up the internet bill pay, none of our bills would get paid. If I didn't suggest we go grocery shopping, we would live off of delivery and fast food (which we really can't afford). If I didn't think about the long-term effects of EVERYTHING, we'd be screwed. A small, but detailed example. We haven't paid the rent yet. Why? Because we can't find the checkbook. I don't USE checks - guess who was the last one to have had the checkbook? Ummhmm, it wasn't me. I'm almost SURE the checkbook is in his bag, despite him saying that it's not. Did he look for it? I doubt it, and even if he did, that doesn't mean that it's not there. I could be wrong, but I'm usually not. *sigh* I feel like his bloody MOTHER sometimes, and while I do love him, and I love being WITH him....it's irksome as HELL. A lot of the time.

Gah.

further introspection

Hmm....I love having this separate place. I was talking to one of my online friends earlier today, hooking him up to another new screenname of mine - and jokingly, he asked me if I had a multiple personality. At last count, I have *thinks* only 3 screen names that I chat under (with three? four? different services), but - goodlord - I could have up to five, and I have - 6 - no - 8? different emails adresses.

It's not that I have a multiple personality - in fact, my personality is very integrated (I think sometimes maybe TOO integrated) - it's just that each aspect of my personality has it's own outlet - and I make connections based on that intial outlet, and later - much later, if you're deemed worthy, I'll open up the rest of me to you. But yeah, I'm very much so closed in - I've never met anyone - not Jc, not my husband, not any of my best friends, who I would truly trust and offer all that I am to.

There's ALWAYS been something about me that no-one knows - but here - you folx don't KNOW me. You see a little side of me that I share in this place - and that's what you know of me. You judge me, read me (or not) and note (or not) solely based on what's here. There's no history, and most likely, little chance of a future. And with that kind of freedom - I have room to share all of the things that no-one but me knows.....without fear of someone who KNOWS me finding this - because they would never think - oh, I know this woman. No one knows me - I don't trust anyone enough to know all of me and not hurt all of me - at least, this way, they can only hurt what they know.

And yes, yes, I know that I'm selling most of my friends short. I'm pretty sure that I'm selling my husband short - but - I'm ashamed. No - ashamed isn't the right word. I'm - tenderskinned. Very, very, very tenderskinned - and the more I love someone, the softer the skin becomes. And - when it comes right down to it, I don't LIKE it. I get hurt/sad/upset over the most minor and stupid of things - things that even as I'm sniffling over, I KNOW he didn't mean that way, or mean to have any malice in saying it - but it hurts like hell. And so I retreat. But - I can't find my balance there either - I retreat so far back that I'm icy-cold, and can barely respond to anything without either a grunt or a shrug. I - I haven't learned the art of neither wearing my heart on my sleeve, or locking it in Fort Knox. Unless - and this is the sad part - unless I just plain don't CARE about the person. No history - no future - and the true multifaceted, utterly amazing, glowing, intuative, charming, social woman that I REALLY am comes out. But - it's always a little sad because , I like that girl. I wish she would hang around all the time - and realize that those who really do love her, will love most facets of her......and not shoot her down as so many people have done in the past.

Who am I? Really?

I'm a lover, a woman, a poet, a artist, a laugher, a nuturer, and a giver. I can be loud, impatient, and cuttingly sarcastic. I'm a listener, a talker, a liar, and a sneak. I'm joyful, sad, bashful and incredibly curious. And that only touches on the tip of the iceberg. I've been Muslim, Protestant, Baptist, pagan and agnostic. I've had abortions, orgies, and long term relationships. I'm a libertarian and a peace nik. I'm empathic and sensitive. I don't like taking pills, but deeply enjoy recreational drugs. I am me. All of me. Even the parts I don't know are me, the parts I don't understand, that parts that I don't even know are there.

But - I'm not quite - bold enough to be me all the time. Sometimes, I have to retreat and hide me and only offer what others can handle. Sometimes, I can't handle myself - and I'm the one IN this head. And - sometimes I just can't EXPLAIN to other people what's going on - hell, sometimes it takes ME a few minutes to backtrack through my mind and figure out an association that I've made - and - dammit, I feel like regressing to the teenagers lament 'No one UNDERSTANDS me!' - and it's true. No one does. And it's my fault, because I've never given anyone a real CHANCE to understand me - to get all up under my skin and peep out of my eyes. And it's not because I'm shamed of who I am - I'm not. I just don't want to be - viewed differently because of who I am. I want someone else to be able to understand me in the same way I understand myself - freely, easily, not judging, not deciding - accepting that I'm still a work in process/progress.........and that the roots of what I am is good, and it's wonderful, and it's - amazing, and it's really something that everyone should have a chance at knowing/feeling/understanding - but so very few people ever will. *sigh* And so instead...

---

That went ENTIRELY another direction from where I planned - I have been reading some D/s websites that I've dug up while at home, and I've been thinking about what I said earlier about never being able to submit to my hubby, and trying to figure out why that is - there was never even any doubt in my head - it just plain wouldn't happen. But why? Was there something about him? Something about me? and then - in reading a subs story of her and her Master, I realized - I don't respect him. I love him dearly, and I value his intelligence, his humor, his passion for life, but I don't really view him as my equal - I think of him more as a 17y/o cousin I've fallen in love with, but now have to take care of after his momma kicked him out the house.

I haven't explored much more from there - is it the job situation? Is it the household situation? It is his pisspoor attitude about bills and credit? It is his (to me) obsession with comic books, video games, and cartoons? I mean - what really makes a man mature? What makes him - respectable, and admirable in my eyes? I don't look up to my husband - he's just another responsibility I have. It doesn't decrease my love for him, it doesn't make me think (consiously at least) less of him - I think I've simply accepted him as he is - and I DO love him, as he is. But he'll never be my Master (if I ever even come to the point where I think I might want one - from what I've been reading, it would take a very special person for me to be a 'real' sub.)

My Clumsy Body

(side note - I've had the creepycrawlies for like two DAYS now, where I swear that I feel something on me, but NOTHING is there. It's making me feel rather twitchy. Maybe I just need to shave my legs. Heh.)

Me & my body have never had a really GOOD relationship. One of my dreams - as I think most little girls have - was to be a ballerina. I've always had an excellent sense of balance - just a very hard time MOVING my body. Now - anyone who's ever seen me dance knows that I can move my body - and move it quite well, thankyouVERYmuch, but for some reason - I'm just slow in picking up coordinated 'innate' activites. I gave up the ballerina dream around 13 (I've ALWAYS wanted to be a dancer of some sort - in my slightly skinner college days I wondered if I could strip - hell, it's STILL dancing) when my boobs blossomed quite enthusiasticly.

It took me close to two YEARS to learn how to ride a bike without training wheels - I couldn't stay balanced, steer, and peddle all at once. The main reason I've yet to learn how to swim is that try as I might (even in the freaking Atlantic!!! salt water - hello??) is that I can't figure out how to float on my back. I've always had issues with the whole left/right thing (my wedding ring is a constant saviour) and....well hell - let's just say that the lines of communication between the brain and the body were never very good.

I was a pretty sheltered child. Okay, I was an isolated, highly guarded child. Being a Muslim girlchild in the world of 80's  Sunni Islam was a lesson in - 'Be neither seen, nor heard, and preferably make yourself altogether forgotten'. Anyhow - that means that a lot of times, I simply wasn't allowed to hone/learn hand-eye coordination through most of my childhood. Sports were out - it's hard to run in a dress, and besides, there were rarely enough 'properly' Muslim kids that I could play with. The little girls who did live around me were considered to be too much 'Dunya' (rough translation - worldy evil) for it to be 'safe' for me to play with them. Dance was out, as music was CERTAINLY Dunya (besides the clothing!).  And add to that, the fact that I have always been overweight, and you have the perfect recipe for a shy, clumsy, klutzy child who seriously doubted that all of her parts would EVER work 'right' together.

Fastforward to High School. Let's see - I'm new, I'm fat, I'm Muslim, and I've got utterly NO coordination, I'm smart as hell - and we had coed gym classes. HAH! I hated them, hated them with a passion. It's not that I can't get it together and coordinate myself, it's just that I was working at the level of a five year old learning how to do this, surrounded by people who had been at least casually doing this for ten years. The - skills gap was noticable, embarassing, and combined with my delightfully active mind, pushed me a little further into the clumsy geek mode. Of course, me STUNNINGLY busting my ass and spraining my ankle so severely that I was on crutches at one of the school sponsered skate parties SOOOOO didn't help the image - but it was the first time I was on skates since I was - 8? 9? - and I could barely stand up then.

Then, came Upward Bound - which to me, was my empancipation. For the first time in my life, I was surrounded by people who really mainly cared, respected, and were interested in what was inside my head - which was the one aspect of myself that I was COMPLETELY confident in. Not only that - but they were tenderly supportive. Not coddling, not in a talking down kind of way, but in a - I KNOW you can do this kind of way. While I was there (three summers - the best summers of my life, seriously) I joined both the choir and the jazz dance group. I'm not the best of a tune carrier - but I'm a fabulous mimic, so in a choir, I worked. Solo's were hideous, but in the group, I could perform. It was the dance group that really opened my eyes though. I could MOVE. Yes, I had to work my ASS off (literally - I think that's the best shape I've EVER been in). I had to practice, and practice, and practice, and beg people to practice with me, and practice some more - but I COULD do it.  I pratically danced EVERYWHERE. Give me a second in a hallway between classes, and I was rehearsing steps, and usually roping fellow dancers into helping me. And - not only could I do it - I LOVED doing it. I loved the challenge, I loved the support, I loved the feeling of moving in perfect harmony with a group of other people. Dance - excited me, inspired me, fired me the hell up. That started me believing a little more in my body - in the fact that no, I really wasn't that uncoordinated, I just had to pratice a hell of a lot harder than everyone else. I do think that a lot of folx felt - sorry for me. I mean - the grapevine ISN'T that hard - but I had to struggle to get it. But, at the same time, I think that my pure stubborness made people at least respect me for it.

I left Upward Bound, left high school, and moved into college. I still couldn't hit a ball worth shit (in fact, I don't think I've ever HIT a real baseball in my life. maybe a couple of wiffle balls. I've never shot hoops. I've got a pretty good kick (thanks, kick the can) but other than that - I'm - ugly in sports). I tried step aerobics, and for my own, as well as my fellow steppers safety, I've decided that's an excercise that I need to practice in the privacy of my own home. But - even with all of that - I could STILL dance. Almost any time I go out (went out) to a place that had some GOOD music - at some point, at least once in the night, I would have a circle of people surrounding me, watching me move. And I still loved it - but I knew it was - spontaneous. It wasn't neat, nice, organized dance - it was just me, moving my body perfectly to the rhythm - any damn way I wanted to.

I graduated from college - more accepting of my body's limits. I knew I could dance - but I can't do the Electric Slide. I've been able to pick up some salsa - but it's just so damn hippy it feels more spontaneous than staged. And I STILL loved to dance. I've wanted to join so many different dance classes - but I feel - ashamed, I guess. I'm a wee bit of a perfectionist - or at least I prefer to not let people I don't know see my many failings - and failing in a dance class to be able to pick up the steps - so....uncomfortable making. Plus, I'm NOT the smallest woman in the world, and - honestly I feel like a clumsy elephant in dance classes rather than the whirling dervish of a memaid that I am in a club.

Even the belly dancing classes - my god! They helped a LOT - helped me get in touch with different parts of my body and actually figure out that I CAN move them. It was still embarassing as hell, but luckily, I'm USED to moving my hips and boobs separately from the rest of my body - so I was a lot more fluid than most of the girls in my class. And - at least they weren't all ittsiebitsies - and only one of them had any previous dance training - and our instructor had a nice little tummy that could do some AMAZING things.

So - that brings me about up to now. I'm still not confident in my body - but - I think I'm willing to endure a little more redfacedness - I was blushing the WHOLE time I was in the Y - and no, it wasn't because of Caramuscle Deluxe either - it was just all of those PEOPLE looking at the fat girl in the Y and realizing that I planned on displaying my - weakness - to them. I figure that in swimming class - despite the persistent miscommunications between my head and my body, I'm at least NOT the least bit afraid of the water - I just need someone to help me get the coordination part down. In lifting weights, I KNOW that I'm strong - and while it might not be very pretty - it's not really supposed to be. I still kick around the thought of taking a few salsa classes - that's one form of dance I'm actually NOT nervous about doing - I just have to learn how to follow instead of trying to anticipate my partner.

I figure, the least I can do is try to work through my own embarassment with humor and humility and love for myself - and at least a TINY bit of certainty that if I just work hard enough at it, and want to do it badly enough,  I CAN do it.

And that part the amuses me the most is that for slow motions - I'm exquiste. I've got an AMAZING sense of balance - yoga is a FAVORITE of mine, because I can twist my body into almost any shape, and it's still COMFORTABLE (around the belly, that is of course). It's just when I try to speed things up that the body-brain highway experiences wrecks. And let's be honest here - I'm a hell of a lot further from the ground now than most 5-9 year olds are, and not only that - I understand the concept of embarassment, and I'm - intuitive enough - to pick up on peoples - unspoken comments, I guess you could say.

So. Yeah. That's the sad & sordid tale of me and my body. I still refuse to participate in sports of any sort - it's simply not enough enjoyment (besides the whole sweating thing!) for the amount of discomfort I would go through (besides the fact that I would make my team lose!) I'm GOING to learn how to swim - if I have to take all five sets of the class sessions that go on all summer. And - maybe, as my reward for dipping below my low point (178) I'll enroll in salsa classes.

Wow.... I actually wrote a lot. Hmm...they still haven't called me back - I think I'm going to head home soon.  Hah - and there's my phone - hopefully they are fixing it, but I'm STILL going home.

G'night ya'll.

the best laid plans.....

Okay - so I'm seriously considering signing up for the 'Personal Fitness' training they offer at the Y- just so that I can have someone keeping an eye on me, and making sure that I'm completing the moves correctly. Though honestly, on those kind of machines, it's not that hard. I might just read KristaSmash! and be done with it. What I really want is a good, consise, listing of exercises to perform. Let's see - what do I want to/need to work on?

• Arms - from the elbows down they are the sweetest little DAINTY things (I have a very fine/thin bone structure - but considering all the juciyjuice laid on top of it, the only place you can tell are my wrists and my ankles. Let's just say that the main reason I stopped wearing watches is because I was too grown up for kids watches, and they are the only ones that fit my wrists really right) - but from the shoulder to the elbow - oh my. So yes - upper arm work.


• Thighs - they are thunderous, but they need to be STRONGER. I figure swimming will help with that alot, but the occasional weight work would help with that too.


• Booty - The pudunkadunk could be a little tighter. Thankfully, my momma gave me an onion ass, but - hell, is anyone's ass perfect?


• Back/Abs - the abs - I KNOW that as soon as I strengthen my abs, my wasit gets signifgantly smaller. I mean - I can suck IN my belly enough to make my waist a size 12/14 - but of course, that don't last long if I want to breathe - such an inconveinent thing that is! :)

Hmm... I think that's about it - but really, that's about a full body workout - and most of it, I'll get with the swimming. Hmm....I wonder if it would be overkill to do both? Maybe I'll alternate days - M/W/F swimming, and T/Th weights. See - these are the kinda questions I wanna ask some fitness persontype.

Anything else? I got distracted, but I think that's about it. For the first two weeks, I'm only going to do the swimming, as classes are Mon-Thur, and I figure I'll go on Friday just to practice. Ah! I need to get some goggles, and figure out what the hell I'm going to do with my hair. It WON'T fit under a swimcap (besides the pure dorkiness of them - at least on ME), so - hmmm...at least the water here is soft, so I should be able to rinse it well, and slap some conditioner on it every other day or so.

If I come in crying on Tuesday, it means the water turned my hair green, or orange......I can't think of anything worse. *shudder* But - chlorine IS a bleach, so it will be interesting seeing what happens with the hair....

and of course, I REALLY need to start eating better. I think that I eat so much crap at work (sugary horrid goodness) that by the time I get home, I'm realllly so not hungry - but since I'm AWAKE until midnight or later, I get hungry around 10. *sigh* I suppose the whole breakfast thing might be a good idea, eh?

Edited:
Ah yes! I knew there was something else I wanted to natter on about - I think that I'm going to try to see how far it is from my house to the Y (in other words, try to pay attention as a pedestrian, not as a driver) and see if it would be possible for me to walk it. At SOME point (holy horrors!) I would like to learn how to rollerblade - I've had some BAD experiences on roller skates (I need to write about my physical skills/limitations - maybe that'll be next as I'm waiting for someone to get back to me with something) but I've always wanted to learn.

So. Yeah. walking. I think it might be like 5 miles - which is a LOT for my outofshape, flatfooted, heavy tail to be walking - esp. if I expect to have the energy to swim afterwards - but maybe as I get more in shape, I'll start walking.

post-lunch slow down

Well.....I actually filled up my morning with work - stil lworking on it, but it's a slow independantly running process, so I can take a few seconds here and there to play about in here.

Let's see - what's new? Actually listened to my iPod for most of the morning - music helps me focus and prevents me from getting bored - I also think that it makes the day go by faster, so all good things, all very good things. The battery life doesn't seem too bad either, as I haven't charged it for a few days, and even after listening to it for most of the day, it's only about a 1/3 used - so I'm pleased with that. I'm soooooooooooooo excited - after finding those two SUPER cheap music sites, I'm actually going to be able to limit myself to a reasonable allowance a month - and I will be able to get almost every single SCRAP of music I've ever wanted. It's soooooooooo sweet. *blows kisses to her iPod*

This 7am til 12am thing I'm doing is going to drive me BATTY.  I get up that early to go to work, and I usually stay up that late to pick C up and spend a little facetime with him before I go to bed - and oh. my. god - it's getting harder and harder to get out of bed each morning. Sometimes I feel like I'm just wading through the week til I can get to Saturday - because really, that's the best day of the week. And it's going to be around THREE MONTHS before we can save up enough to get him a car. *cries* When I go out of town on the weekends, we're going to have to get him a rental car so that he can get back and forth to work - *sigh* Anyone know a sweet old lady who has a car in almost pristine condition who's willing to trade for a month of homecooked meals and a couple hundred bucks? Please?

Shoot!! I need to pay the rent - *sigh* my landlord is so - odd. I've asked him SEVERAL times to give me his address so that I can mail in the rent payment, but does he? No - of course not. So, I'm just going to wait for him to call me about it and tell me when he wants to come and pick it up. I'm also deducting money from the rent, as he STILL hasn't lived up to his side of the cable bargain, and paid for our highspeed line, as he SAID that he would. *grump* Ah well.

We owe the library money too. I need to go home tonight, pick up the last book that we have out (oops!) and pay the fines for the other ones - also, I want to see if I can pick up a copy of Body for Life for Women before I buy it.

Okay - going to go and talk about my fitness stuff.