J said - I Need Love....(Home Sweet Continued..)

Sometimes I simply NEED to be in love. I need to feel treasured and valued and desired by someone other than me. I need to be able to go home and fall into someones arms..to be held and kissed and loved. I need to have someone that will always be there for me...that I can trust and who trusts me. Someone who I KNOW loves me...and that simply increases my love for them. I need to be able to pick up the phone late at night..and share my confusion over my mood swings...I need someone I can share my sexual energy with...I need someone that willl let me grow in my own way, while understanding that my growth will always include them. I need someone who will grow...out and up from their own troubles into a better understanding of our life. I need someone who makes me smile with a thought...and shiver with a kiss. I need to be in love...loving someone...hopelessly mooneyed and starry glazed.


Somehow...someway...suddenly.. I want someone to come home to.


I don't know who...and I don't know why. Has getting a apartment suddenly got me all domesticated and stuff?? That is frightening...I mean me...Ms Wild and Won't Ever Settle Down (right Papi?) actually WANTING to? *shakes head* I think that this goes beyond a mere mood swing... and we won't even mention the fact that I was so wrapped up in thoughts of how I am going to clean and decorate my apartment that I missed my bus stop...twice...in the same trip. I feel like a bird hunting for stuff to feather her nest...and what nest is complete without a mate to share it with? Or maybe it is just the knowledge that I am on my own.. totally.. I mean yeah I can beg my mom for money on occasion..and support all the time...but other than that... I have complete control over the interior of my home... I have control over who I bring in...and who I don't have to let in.. I have Control *singing like like Janet* ...I think that I will start with a paint job.. *sighs&grins* I think that now...I will actully have a HOME of my own...


J.

J said - Home Sweet

Well.. I have an apartment. IT is a nice litle place, with alot of sun. It is in a kinda odd neighborhood, right one the edge of an industrial and a residentail area. Quiet...and all mine. THe rent is wonderfully low..and I won't run up the electric... *grins* Hopefully I won't be home much.
I'm oddly excited, and quite nervous. I wish that I had some really good friends with really big cars that I would have no shame in calling on to help me...but... I hve always had problems askingfor help. Anyhow... I'll be moving on Saturday...tho I won't have any elecriciy until Monday.. *sighs* So I might stay with my cousin over the weekend...but if I can get the deposit to them today I can have it set up tommorow....*crossing fingers*


I have so many thoughts going through my head.... it's just that I'm worried...I hope that I can get all this together and do well..


*sighs* Well....here goes life.


J.

J said - Heartache....

Random bits of songs and phrases drift through my head...

I KNOW why the caged bird sings

Love & Happiness....

Loving self canbe so hard...honesty can be demanding

Friends will et you down..friends won't be around...


It's strange.... sometimes I ache so bad that it brings tears to my eyes....not the fact that I haven't talked to him in a while..because I've gone without talking to him for a long time...but the fact that I CAN'T call him just to shoot the breeze...or email him a gossipy note...that hurts...

It's almost like a death...

Maybe this is his way of dying...

Suicide commited...but he still breathes...

Destroy all old connections...

Embrace an entirely new life...

Unencumbered by the relationships of the past.


It aches. I can't even see his NAME... first or last....without wondering..


Honestly...I don't even know if he is alive....


I miss him....as much as he hurts me...I miss him more and more every day. Things are going on in my life that I should be sharing with him...things that we were going to do together....


But he...he has commited emotional suicide...


I sound like such a dill wit...such a mush mouth...is it wrong/weak/uterly stupid of me to feel this way?

I think so...but I think not.



J.

J said- Mommy Power

As big of a girl as I suposedly am..talking to my mommy always makes me feel better. She...believes in me... according to her there can be no wrong in the world..as long as I am striving for something.

I told her about T. kicking me out...and she was so calm... jsut concerned that I get into a safe place...and assuring me that she will me there. *grins* it is amazing...but I guess that is part of mommy power. No matter how strong I need to be... or how independant I act...there is something about KNOWING that I can always fall back on my mom if the fat really hits the shin that makes me even stronger.


Hello? is anyone out there?


J.

J said - Rambling a.k.a. 20 Questions

1)What is stranger: living with someone who has kicked you out...or trying to live with someone who doesn't like you?
2)Do I have any morals..or have they simply been clouded by my utter lack of money?

3) Will life EVER work out the way I want it to?

4) Why do you already have to have a kid to be a surrogate mother?

5) Why is it that I can get sex anytime I want it...but haven't been hugged properly in ages?

6) Have you noticed that it is now sistas with dreads...not blonds who have more fun?

7) How many licks does it take to make you a slut? and no.. I'm NOT talking about a tootsie roll pop here...

8) Am I the only one reading this?

9) Does anyone really care...about the state of Monica's mind?

10) Will saying...Girl...you TRIPPin take on a whole new meaning?

11) Will any of my friends make it to atlanta BEFORE I graduate?

12) Are student loans deferable until you die?

13) Why do trini's have the sexiest accents in the known universe?

14) Will I ever learn enough spanish to scream it out during sex?

15) How do YOU define love?

16) Does anyone realllly care...about anything?

17) Is anyone renting out a small apartment in the Atlanta Area?

18) Does the Diarymaster dress in all black and have lil diaries chained to his/her comuputer?

19) And does her/his diary pen have a lil whip attached to it?

20) Have you ever realized that all you needed was a couple of million dollars and someone to share it with?


J.

Bonus Question:

21) What is the word for a male slut?

J said- Moving On

Damn..my head is still ringing from this one. Can we say *SMACK!!*



Thursday night...as I'm climbing into my make shift bed on the floor of my cousins living room she comes in and sits doen and says....


'J...we need to talk...'


I'm thinking oh hell is she gon fuss cuz I didn't wash the dishes?


' I have decided that I can't share my house...it's too small..and well I'm giving you a month to move out.'


Everything she said after that was a blur...all I was thinking about was money money money..shit shit shit...will i be able to pay a REAL rent and still save and still pay off my credit cards??? Sums were flying thru my head...and as she talked all I could do was bob my head up and down slowly...looking like a damn string puppet I'm sure. She left...and I simply sat there...she said it wasn't because of anything I had/haven't done but still...damn.


So now I'm on the mad house hunt...asking for the world for a low price...I had no clue how much stuff costs....


*SMACK* It is like the doctor slapping your bottom after you are born


*SMACK* It is the first time you are dumped


*SMACK* It is the first death of a friend


*SMACK* That sometimes physical..somethings not slap of life that leaves you so stunned...that you can do nothing but accept the change it heralds.....


Now...offically...without a doubt..I'm moving on and up into the really Real world...


J.

J said -You Have Now Entered...The T. Zone

Anyone remember how the Twilight Zone used to start by saying 'Please do not attempt to adjust your Television set...we are now in control.' That is how I feel about my moods. I feel like something or someone totally outside of myself is in control of them.

For example..today I have been totally euphoric. everything seems bright and fresh and wonderful and I'm going around singing love songs. If i didn't know better.. I would think I was in love. True..I have been feeling enourmous amounts of love for myself lately.. but that is simply because I'm such a beautiful wonderful person. There is no one for me to love currently.. at least not in that dreamy Panorama-Vision kinda way. So why am I so damned cheerful?? Maybe because I talked to my mommy yesterday...maybe because I am warm...I know I woke up grumpy at the world... but now...


I can see clearly now
the rain is gone...
It's gonna be a bright..
Bright...
Bright...
SunShiny day....


and yes.. the cloud cover is heavy..the weather is dreary.. and the day will NOT be remotely sunshiny...yet I feel...almost giddy. Like I recieved my hearts desire on a platter..and a bag of wishes and..and.. I just feel like twirling around and hugging everyone and smiling so much that my face bursts open.

Or maybe it's because I was out in the rain last night.. hhmmm.. it was wonderful.. a kinda cool rain...and kinda hard... but I felt like it was healing me of hurts I didn't even know I had as I stood out there and got drenched.


raindrops
kiss me
I imagine you.


Hundreds of kisses...from lovers and mothers...sisters and cousins...brothers and fathers...perfect strangers and long lost friends...all fell on me... firm and moist...whispering 'hello there...miss me? hello there...we are here...hello there...welcome back'


I think maybe the rain infected me with some joy. some kinda joy..umph umph umph...some kinda joy.


J.

J said - Complecency

Sometimes you get so comfortable in one state of being, whether it is a true state or not, that being removed from that state can be rather unsettling. I had forgotten..almost... what it was like to be visually impaired. I'm not legally blind... or even close, but without my glasses or contacts the world becomes a big scary places full of faceless creatures and a narrow limit of vision.
I can't remember the last time I was without my vision supports for any period of time not of my own free will.

This morning...being dehydrated as I always am in the morning (and almost all the time it seems) I rubbed my eyes irratibly.. wondering why one was itching so badly...I went to the bathroom, and discovered that one of my contacts had torn...so for the rest of the day I had to go with one eye in and one eye out.

I expected the headaches...they come anytime my eyes are tired of being open or are strained the least bit...but what i didn't expect was the loss of vision. Yeah.. I could still see through one eye, but it was more what I wasn't seeing that startled me. Looking down at the keyboard and having to tkae a moment to focus...looking up at someone and having to turn my head so that the 'good' eye could see who they were. I have lived in my contacts for such a long time (going to bed with them in..showering..all that stuff the doctor tells you NOT to do) that I had almost forgotten just how bad my vision is.

After a while, my brain began to try to make up for the lopsided signals that were coming in to it...now EVERYTHING was blurry...I couldn't focus without making my head throb...I was off balance and mildly nauseated...all from the fact that I had torn a tiny piece of paper thin plastic.


I can't imagine what the world would be like to me without sight. I think that it would be a very scary place.. full of sounds that couldn't quite be interpeted..

dear god.. what good would the internet be to me? I would be cut off from all of my friends..those who have been a support and a comfort to me. I would lose the ability to read... to write.. to take pictures...almost everything that I love..and value.. would be taken if I could not see. How different I would be...


My complacency has been shaken...no longer can I read.. or write.. or simply gaze off into nothingnes without being thankful that I have eyes to see. The littlest things make you value what you once ignored...


J.

J said - The battle begins....

I know...five entries in one day.. but HEY! I'm in pain and I have alot to say


Funny...it's funny how I can ignore stuff for so long and then just POP out and accept the fact.

In my last entry I said that I was overweight. I think that is the first time that I have said that with perfect acceptance. It isn't a fact that makes me a worse person. It isn't something that indicaes my weaknesses of character..it is something about me that is me at this point..and it doesn't have to define me forever..because it is something that can be changed.


And I think that I've ALMOST accepted the fact that it won't happen overnight.. and it WON'T happen without alot of effort..and that I am the only one who can do it.

The last time I was skinny was when I was 5... and somehow between then and 8 I balloned...and have stayed that way ever since. Yeah.. I would drop a few pounds here and there...but gain that back right away.

I think the fact that I am getting weaker.. or that more often I am demanding more of my body than it is willing to take is blowing my mind. I'm not doing that much more.. so clearly I'm getting weaker.

and for once..I actully have the DESIRE to do it.. i want to work out.. I want to get on those weights and do squats and sit ups and bench presses and triceps curls until I'm shivering and even weaker. I look forward to that achy muscle pain that says yessss I HAVE been worked out... I'm eager and ready to get stronger..and gain more endurance.. and discover layers of scuplting on me that I never knew I had...


Everyone says that at some point. you reach your breaking point.. where you take a stand and say NO MORE.. I'm not going to look like this.. I'm not going to be like this anymore...I think that I have finally gotten there....I hope I can stay here ....


J.

J said - Fractured Personalities

I want so much sometimes...and so little at other times.. that I have finally accepted the fact that I have multiple personalites. Almost any of my friends would tell me that...and i would brush them off, saying that I was just moody... but I realize.. I truly do have a couple of different people hiding out in me.
1) The Rich Woman

She thinks only of what can be brought and sold..and the fastest ways to get more money. No morals...very few values. I ignore most of her suggestions...but she can be very persistant...

2) Lady Wisdom

She is the ancient one...the one who in the back of my mind is constantly screaming J! what the hell are you doing.. do you know what this could do to your life...you know we need that money/time/attention focused on something else.. basically a mother figure/consience...highly paranoid tho.. so I often have to tell her to shut up.

3) Wild Woman

She gets me in the most trouble...not just wild, but happy go lucky too. She is the one who takes me on my highs...and sulks quite miserably when everything doesn't work out. Clearly her and Lady Wisdom DON'T get along....

4) The Controller

Now this one doesn't come out very often.. only when I'm around clearly disorganized folx.. then she pops out...sets up everything...executes the plan and returns to hiding...she actully scares me sometimes because I have never been the leader type.


And I KNOW I have a few more alter egos hiding in me... as I told Josh.. an alter ego is simply part of you that doesn't get out much.


Anyway.. one of them.. not sure who...is having quite the agruement with Lady Wisdom about my money matters.


It all started acouple of days ago when as I was walking I realized that my foot was tipping over more than usual (I have extremely flat feet, and the fact that I am overweight and insist on wearing heels tends not to help very much)

So once I got to work, I looked at the bottom of my shoes and realized that I had broken the rubber...so that right where my foot leans the most the shoes was the weakest. *AHA* the source of my recent back and leg pains have been revealed..so I went out to buy a pair pf sneakers...I figured that if I'm going to be doing alot of walking.. I might as well get a pair of proper walking shoes. K-Swiss 60.00 *shudders* which after I got the arch supports and an extra pair of shoelaces totally ate through my megear savings.

Apperently I was doing myself more damage than I knew by walking around in those broken old shoes because my legs were in actual pain after I walked around all day Monday wearing the sneakers. *sighs* I think that my legs & feet have gotten so used to the fact of leaning whatever which way they wanted to.. that imposing the proper way to orient themselves on them caused pain.


Thus we come to the source of the arguement. I suspect that it is an close relative of Rich Woman who is starting the arguement...


What they arguement is basically about is whether I should take a whole crapload of money (most likely an entire paycheck) and invest it in a membership to some kind of health club. *sighs* I am so weak.. and I hate feeling that way.. I have been used to my body doing what I tell it to do without oo many complaints.. but lately.. it seems like it takes less and less to wear me out...and I feel like I'm losing the little bit of hold I had over myself.

However.. Lady wisdom insists that there is really no need to spend the money on a gym.. when we have a perfectly nice VCR..and any sports store sells absolutely wonderful weights and videos and such like for me to work out on. She says that if we had a little more backbone.. we wouldn't need the influence of a class or of the fact that the money has been spent to encourage me to work out.


Personally.. I am leaning towards the side of Rich Woman...I need to exercise.. god knows that...I KNOW myself well enough to know that without outside encouragement it won't last long...and I think that I would enjoy it alot.


But I will let them tussle it over for a while...while I worry about other things

J said - Obession

Obessions can be healthy sometimes..they give us a sense of direction and purpose.
My personal obession is a house. Not a big house..not a small house just a house.

and oh yes.. I know what I want...

I quiet neighborhood.. doesn't have to be a super nice neighborhood..but no shooting please

an OLD house.. at least 30 years old
Brick
2 or more stories
a basement
lots of windows
a nice sized backyard & frontyard
large OLD trees


You notice I leave out the details of whst I want on the inside?? why? because I expect to have to strip everything out of the house just to get rid of the previous owners smell. but as for the inside...


at least 4 bedroms (hey I want my friends to come visit)
at least 3 bathrooms (yes I AM a shower hog)
hardwood floors
Light colored walls...


*sighs* I can see it all in my mind...at work. when I'm bored.. I cruise the web for houses...Atlanta is such a new blasted city most of the houses are new.. but some are old lovely ones....I know as soon as I get my car I will go house hunting...just cruising through the city...eyeing homes...I mean I have 4 years before I have to buy (yes...I will be buying a house by the time I am 26..no doubt I want to start earlier but I don't see that happeneing...)


I have even told my mother that the only graduation gift I want is cash so I can start saving for the house...and of course if she wants to give me her car while she is at it..that would help too...


see? obessions can be good....


J.

J said - Songs

Okay... now that I have returned.. I shall return with a vengance

Damn songs get stuck in your head. Mainly love songs...soft sweet songs that take me back to a time when...I guess I was in love. *laughs* no I WAS in love.. quite mad love too. And he...I still don't thik he loved/loves me the way I loved him. There are two songs for him...SWV's Weak:

I get so weak
in the knees
I can hardly speak
I lose all control
and somehing comes over me

It a shame your so AMAZING
It's not a phase I want you to stay with me
by my side
I swallow my pride
your love is so deep it knocks me right off
of my feet

Can't explain why your loving makes me weak.


Okay..that was one..which as I look back on it kinda was a load of bull..siply because HE made me wweak..not his love..just him....actully I think that song came out around the first time that we broke up...and since I was sucha limp lizie when it came to him it just reminded of him..or maybe we sang it together...


The other song...at least for him...is Have you ever... yeah the new BRandy song...


Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry?
Have you ever needed something so bad you can't sleep at night?
Have you tried to find the words but they won't come out right?
Have you Ever...Have you ever..
Have you ever found a love
you'd give your whole heart to..
only to find that love...
won't give it back to you..


That was the ending song I guess...*laughs* because it was clearly over... I had that.. but hmm.. it's not that way anymore....


My most recent ex.. hmmm... his songs were Loving you..


Loving you...is easy cuz your beautiful..
and everything that I dooo
Is out of loving you

lalalalala
Lalalalala
lalalalalalalalaaaa
doobie dobbie dedoooo
ahhhhhhhhhhhh

stay with me while we grow old
and we will will live each day in springtime
cuz evertything that I do.. is out of loving you....


Yeah.. i was almost SURE that he was the one...hm...it's odd..I have no problems with being viewed as a sexual creature...yet..when someone attempts to USE me as a sexual creature...espicially while preying on my weaknesses...damn him... I lose all respect...and I can't love someone who I don't respect...


They are really the only two who have songs....tho.. i felt so guilty for a while over my last BF in high school...cuz he loved me something FIERCE...that his song was Where Are you Know By Janet...


Where
Where are you now...
Now that I'm ready to...
Ready to love you the way you loved me then

if I close my eyes
and make a wish...
and want you to come right back and be here with me...


but...hmmm...after his best friend raped my best friend I hated his guts... so that was the end of that....



My songs are simple....I have a couple that I sing almost automatically when I'm feeling down.. and although I am NOT a really religious person.. there is something about gospel that simply soothes me...


*When I'm upset at the world -


Speak to my heart lord...
Give me your Holy words...
If I can't hear from you
Then I'll know what to do..

I won't go alone...
I'll never go on my own
Just let your spirit guide
and let your word provide....


*When I'm just down and out and tired-


I know somehow...
And I know someway...
We're gonna make it....
Make it....
WIth Jesus by our side
things will work out fine...
We're gonna make it...
Make it....


and ... when I need some inspiriation...well it's odd becuse that is whne you would think that gospel would be sung most often...but instead I sing one of two Desr`ee songs

Gotta Be -

You gotta be bad
Ya gotta be Bold
ya gotta be wiser...

All I know all i know
is love will save the day...


or I sing...

Moving-

I'm not moving from this place
from this space
from my history..

loving self can be so hard
honesty can be demanding
learn to love yourself it's a great great feeling.


So yeah I do tend to wander around humming something or another...usually love songs...almost always slow songs.. and sometimes they have a special significance..


J.

J said - Missing You

How can you miss someone that you have never met?? How can you dream of someone whose face you have never seen? How can bonds be formed so tight..between folx who have never even heard the others voice??


The internet is an amazing thing. I have met friends on my computer, that I would have never met otherwise. My life has been enriched and changed by these people. I thank you all...


But then...I start to miss then...it is an odd feeling, missing what you have never really had. How can I Miss getting a hug from someone I have never seen? How can I miss listening to someone laugh who I have never talked to? How can I miss cooking with someone when I don't even know what they look like? It's amazing...how much these disembodied voices and thoughts turn into human beings that somehow drift around you on a daily basis...slipping past the corner of your eye...lounging on your couch...fighting with you over the remote. Yeah.. it sounds crazy.. but it's true...these people...my friends...somehow inhabit two planes at once...that computerized place and my heart.

Sometimes I wish they inhabited my home too....


Hey Guys! Party in Atlanta once I get the new house...okay?


I miss you all.

Kim - You hae shown me new frontiers of the mind and the body. Thank you for your encourgament...


Chris - What can I say Papi??? There are no words for where you are and who you are to me.


Jeremy - You a damn trip...but you are my boy anyway...give me my MONEY!


Chris - Lil Brudda...you need to stop trying to talk me into it...I'll cook for you soon enough


Joi - Girl where you at? I miss you more than I knew...


Steve - Big Sexy...You KNOW yo ass betta hurry up and come down here...we have a couple of past lives to catch up on...


John-john - Cutie! When you coming?? and you gon have a hard time leaving...are we still gonna go half on it?


Vicki - You taught me alot...especially the simple fact that women can be just as trifiling as men can be...which I tried so hard to deny..


Jackie - Ya NEED to stop stringing me along...are you moving or what??


Courtney - Can we say DAMN! girl..you were the beginning of the end for me ... THANK YOU!!


Josh - Thanks. For the night..and for the awareness that dammit.. I CAN get some anytime I want it.....


I miss you all (mostly) and I thank you all for coming *grins* into my life....


Funny.. I started this entry kinda down...judt missing my friends ..but now I'm in a much better mood. I have some WONDERFUL folx out there...and that always makes me feel better remembering that I am not alone....


J.

J said - Soliloquy

No matter how much you insist to yourself that there is nothing to be ashamed of
nothing that should embarass you

nothing that you can't say


there is always that NEW experience that you simply cannot share...

not for the shame that you feel from having done it

but for the shame that others might try to place on you.


Yeah.

But I'm not ashamed...I think.

I have nothing to be ashamed of. I think.

*smiles* I feel like Eve right after she realized that she was naked. Distinctily ashamed...but not quite sure why. ah well.


*laughs*


J.

J said - Inertia

Lately I have been fascinated by homeless people. You know, the ones who walk around the streets of any big city, drunk & dirty, talking to themselves or anyone else who will listen. I wonder about them, what brought them tot hat point? What would it take to bring them back to where most of the world considers to be a normal life? Are they ashamed of being homeless? Do they dislike the state that they are in? Or are they even aware of the state that they are in?

Once...if I get enough free time, and the sun starts staying up longer, I want to photograph these people.. whose folks who stand at the bus station and we turn our heads from.. the ones we lie to and say ‘no...I don’t have any change’ the ones we look down on and ask.. why can’t they get a job. I want to know their stories…are they really drunkards? Are thy really drug addicts?? Or did that come later, after they had been on the streets? After they had been spit on, and cussed out, and laughed at? Did the simple misery of no longer being a ‘real’ person drive them to this point…or did they start from a low state and sink even lower?

I wonder if they would mind speaking to me…if I brought them some food, or offered them some money…I wonder if they would mind me photographing them in their states of misery…I wonder what it would take to put me where they are…and I’m afraid to find out that it wouldn’t take much at all….



I like the OD…I like the fact that my writing is always neat and understandable. I don’t even really mind that I and one or two other people seem to be the only ones reading this. Why? Because it is my catharsis...my self expression.. I can sit here and talk about things that I have never said before… perhaps because I couldn’t.. perhaps because I wasn’t ready to…

I find myself on the bus thinking about things that I can write about in here...things that I can share with myself. It’s incredible how the things that are a part of me, things that I KNOW without a doubt...aren’t really fully explored until I write them down.


My “I get so Lonely’ entry is so true...because I’m so alone. It’s scary, because I realize that I don’t really have any hanging partners.. folx that I can call and kick it with. I suppose you could say that I don’t have a life. *laughs* I go to work, I go home, I eat, I sleep…I wake up and do it all over again. Yet, there is so much more that I want to do…but I have no one to do it with.. and yeah...there are some things that I like to do by myself.. like go to the movies.. go to a bookstore.. go to a museum...go to a performance...but then there are things that sometimes you just WANT to share with someone. Not always a S.O., but just some human being. I miss my friends...they used to be here.. and most of the folx at work are too old. They are interested in totally different things than I am. So where do I turn? Why.. to my net friends of course…I talk to them...tell them about all that sort of stuff…yet still don’t do it.

I need some initiative pills…something that will make me get offa my ass and DO something…but I’m usually so tired, or so broke, or so drained, that I just don’t have the ENERGY to do anything…I tell my self...if I had a car.. I would do more…true & not true…if I had a car I might have a wider range of movement, but having a car would bankrupt me I’m sure. *grins* and of course before I get a car I need to learn how to drive…and Of course that means getting my learners permit...and of course that means dealing with those ass holes at the DMV.

I think that I have so much potential…but I always need an outside push to get e going…

I need to learn how to push myself…I need goals. *laughs*

J said - Daydreamin...

This will be me one day...super woman. Perfetly shaped. Perfectly done...with out even seeing her you KNOW her face is lovely and her hair and her nails are exquisite.

*sighs* Sometimes I feel squashed...my favorite daydream is how folx I haven't seen for a while would react if I turned up looking perfect. Long legs.. firm ass...perfectly melon like breasts...tight as a drum stomach...or even a gently rounded one...with a great job and a loving partner. Oh my how I would rub it in the faces of some folx. But it is SUCH a pipe dream...I'se too po' and too lazy to do what I need to do to get to my state of perfection...or at least what I think that I need to do.


I thank the gods that my mother was a nurse sometimes...and the she told me what certain things DO to your body... otherwise I would have been bulimic looong time ago. But I LOVE my body too much to do something so dangerous to it just so that I will LIKE it more...


I watch people...and I envy those who say so casually...

'hey.. I'm going to the gym....hey.. my trainer is on his way over...hey I have to go workout tonight...' I would love to...damn..I need a car...


I wonder if I'm the only one who wishes that she could carve herself into someTHING new...like NOW. and yes.. I might be influenced by the THIN is beautiful fad that is sweeping though America...but I don't want to be scrawny...I just want to be a 8..maybe even 10. helll... even a 12 would do.....


J.

J said - I get so lonely....

Okay...I'm strange...I had accepted that long time ago.

The fact that I was different, and somehow outside of everyone else. I accepted that. The fact that I was too odd to fit in.. and too stubborn to change my ways to be more acceptable. I accept that. but...I like people..really I do..yet all the people who are close to me in my heart...are so freaking far away in reality. Most of my friends down here have been dumped.. for various reasons.. such as playing with my emotions... playing with my mind...playing with my money.. none of which I really appreciate. Especially the last...my capricorn heritage really comes out when it comes to my cash flow... *sighs*


I know why I have allways tried to be in a relationship. So I wouldn't be alone.. there would be someonethere who was dedicated to me...a listening ear... a therapist without the bill. I learned quickly that sex for hearing was a good trade...at least as far as worth went. But then these wo/men wanted to be more than an ear.. they wanted to be a crutch...a indispensible part of my life...and I wasn't trying to hear that. So instead, I dumped them. Quickly, and painfully..yet somehow they have always come back...only the early ones are truly gone, and that is more because of a lack of interest on my part than a lack of desire on theirs.


I get so lonely...wanting to talk to someone...needing a kiss..a hug.. a bit of human contact...and I begin to seek it out in the best way I know how..sex. there is always skin to skin and body to body in THAT particular transaction. But I don't want sex...not really at least. I want to be able to distinguish sex from affection. Like i had to learn to distinguish true hunger from boredom and worry.. I want to be able to distinguish a true desire for sex from the desire to be held and loved. And each time I have sex..knowing that sex is not what i want, but instead a set of empty calories attempting to fill another void, I fail to attempt to reach that goal. I feel like I'm an addict sometimes...and other times I wonder why I don't feel worth being loved...and at the same time know that it is all I need.


Sometimes I wonder if I was molested as a child. *frowns* There is a time..and a face that i can remember...when I was around 2 or 3 and when I ask my mother about it, she always avoids the subject. She always says that I'm not remembering him.. but I know that I do. He was her boyfriend.. not for very long.. he was handsome and he smoked...I think. I wish that she would tell me who he was.

Why do I wonder? because.. i feel that there is/was something not right about my obsession with sex. I was always 'playing doctor' when i was around other children my age.. or younger. and I KNEW that it wasn't right.. and I stopped.. but it was such a fascination for me...but why? where did it come from? I want to know..but I'm afraid to ask...if it is true.. how will the knowledge of the fact change me. I LIKE me the way I am...freely sexual and sensual...would the knoledge that I was 'tampered' with change that? would it cause me to withdraw? somehow.. I don't think so...but I want to know. I think...


I have been reading other folx diaries in here, and it seems to me that girl children grow up in a dangerous world...not saying that boy children are much safer, but it seems that everywhere you turn a girl child is crying out from inside of a woman, holding her back somehow...


What do men do when they hurt? DO they cry? do they scream? I wonder why they need to be so strong...is it that for some men that is all they have left? That is the only basition of masculinty that they can still claim as their own?


I'm rambling but it is because I'm confused...I feel like there are so many other women curled up inside of me...whispering and calling out to each other...

'Sister..are you there...sister tell me your tale...sister are you there? '

And then I think.. am I crazy? am I psychic? am I magical? or have I just been reading too much again?

I need a big martini stick to shake up my life...and a soul sister or borther to share it with.


I'm going to My Sister's Room later this week...maybe I will meet someone there...



I get..so lonely...
can't let just anybody hold me

you are the one
that lives in me
my dear
Want no one but you
Sitting here with my tears
All alone with my fears
I'm wondering if I have to do

without you
But there's no reason why
I fell asleep late last night
crying like a newborn child

holding myself close
pretending my arms are yours...
I want no one but you...

(Janet- The Velvet Rope)

J.

J said - The things I'd do....

Money is a wonderful hateful thing...It occupies almost every moment of my mind..how to get more, how to make more, how to make the bit I have stretch out to last even longer. *sighs* I would do so much for money that it is scary...I haven't yet found the limit of what I won't do for money...*smiles* but then again..my natural openess to many things adds to that I'm sure...

I have slept with 11 men and 2 women in the past 6 years. Sometimes it seems like alot..and other times it doesn't seems like many at all.

Devon

Daz

Dahl

Toddie

Harrisson

Mike

Joi

James

Kim

Jeremy

Prentice

Terrell

Sedrick


13 people in all. I've never been pregnant...as far as I know...never had an STD...never really been concerned about getting one. And yet...I feel like I'm entering one of my long pauses of celibacy..*grins* or not so long...

Folx say that sex is power.. then it seems that the longer you withdraw from sex the more power you wil have.. true?? *sighs* I feel likea powder keg sometimes...sitting on an explosive amount of power...needing some sort of sexual release to expand it all or a will blow up. And i have never felt like this before, yet I have gone dry for much longer periods. Usually I blame it on the moon, or on my cycle but this has been something that has been building up for a while...I feel as though I hold a tiny sun inside of me.. and every day..every brush of clothing...every scent of perfume...every smooth skinned man and fine fingered woman I see...adds to this sun. feeds it fuel...and I wonder if I will burn someone once I finally express it...or will I myself burn...


J.