Even in my dreams....

Once again, a crazy ass dream….

There was a group of us, women who lived together in a castle type place, and each of us had a pet/familiar of some type. My pet… I think it was a bird/cat mix…like a baby griffin. I had to create a safe haven for it, because it was rather skilled at escaping form almost any kind of structure, and it was still too young to have a good sense of what was dangerous and what was not. So I created a sanctuary to protect it while I was waiting for the birth of my baby sister…who was being born to a woman who was actually younger than me…so perhaps our relationship was going to be more of a sisterly one than one of mother and daughter. Anyhow, I got to the hospital just in time to witness her birth. Her mother didn’t want the baby… and somehow I had been picked to be her guardian. After the baby was born and cleaned some, she was handed to me, and I broke down sobbing from an odd mix of joy and jealously and amazement at how absolutely gorgeous this child was.
Then they took the baby to the nursery, and I met a few of the women that I lived with. We wanted to go to the nursery to see her, and on our way there we stopped to get something to eat. As we were carrying our food out, I saw the baby’s mother lying on the ground, shivering with cold. I’m not sure if it was forbidden to help her, or what, but all I did was cover her with a blanket that came from nowhere, and then I went on to look at my baby sister…and that’s all I can remember. I know that there was actually a good bit more to the dream than that… but that was the part that stuck to me the strongest.

I haven’t had a really strong emotional dream in a good while. After I woke up and started thinking about it, I found it interesting that I had an emotional dream relating to babies after so long of a period of not having them at all…and the last few that I have had have been mostly violent emotions. * shrugs* I don’t know what it is with me and the whole baby longing thing…but in talking to a sister my age while I was here, she said that the urge hits her too sometimes. Is that just a mid twenties thing?? Suddenly the urge to have a child pops up scarily frequently? I figure it is a sly attack on our minds by our bodies, which knows quite well that this is just about the best time for us to have kids. *shrugs * I’m assuming this only happens to women who really want kids…at least I hope so.
Maybe I need to have a bit of a chat with my mother hmmm?

Stay Jazzed.

Aura Magic

There is something really peaceful and secure about hanging out with gay men. I always feel like…a whole creature around them. If I was the only woman in a room full of straight men, there would always be that palpable sexual imbalance that puts me slightly on edge. Around gay men though,,, it isn’t there, I feel like a whole person…. one who is not just a woman, but at the same time is without a doubt a woman. * smiles* I can’t help feeling anything but secure in myself around them, and perhaps that is sad that it takes basically an almost total lack of sexual desire in order for me to feel totally secure…but at the same time I have a desire to be viewed as a sexual person. *shrugs * I just know that being told that I am a cool person to me is on of the greatest compliments possible. *smiles * It’s like being told that you have a beautiful aura...it’s an appreciation of something that is totally based on WHO you are, not what you look like, or how much money you make, or what you wear….It’s a compliment that touches the deepest parts of who I really am… and it makes me feel beautiful, even if that wasn’t the intention of the compliment giver. Being told that I am pretty is so much shallower to me, simply because it is. That is one of the first things anyone notices about you, what you look like,.. and being complemented on something that is just sooooo damn obvious is like.. *shrugs * I don’t know….being told that a Hershey’s bar is chocolate. *laughs * Maybe what it really means is that most of the time I have no doubt about my attractiveness, but I do have doubts about my personality.

Ah well… my friend seems to be having some internet connection issues, so I don’t know if I will be able to post this today, but I will give a good old fashioned try…

Stay Jazzed.

Good Vibrations...

Intro: I got here in one piece. Had the wonderful good luck to be able to get an upgrade to 1st class. Ohhh how riche ya know?? I sometimes wonder what folx think of me (if anything) seeing this young, very casually dressed, dreadlocked black woman chilling in 1st class. Trust me.. I look no where NEAR that solvent. Then again, maybe they don’t think a damn thing of it and I am hunting for racism where there really is none.
Though I have to admit.. I have never seen any body else who looks like me in first class.
The friend I am staying with has a computer, and I trust him.. so I might be making an entry almost daily…and when I get to my mom’s house I will to. I won’t have time to read though, which will give me plenty of stuff to do once I get home.


Ever meet people and just resonate with their energy?? Most of my good friends I have met that way, where there is just a vibe that draws me in and makes me want to know more about that person. It’s one of those things you truly can’t force…either it is there or it is not, but it isn’t really the classic chemistry ‘thing’ either. It’s a click. I want to figure out how to handle it when I feel that click with someone and would like to examine and explore it more. With Cheffy, I just gave him my number, and hoped that he would call, but implied in that there was the possibility of something more. But what if that isn’t there? Do you just tell that person.. hey… I think I might wanna get to know you better… I think we click. What is the proper procedure, as a grownup, with no kids say – ‘Will you be my friend??’

I see various people on here talk about how they are e-mailing people, and creating a virtual (and in some cases, not so virtual) community outside of this one, and I have to wonder… how DO they do that???

I guess one of the dangers of a low level of socialization as a child is not learning how to make (and hold onto) my own friends.

Ugh. Enough of the pity party for tonight hmmm?? Besides, I need to take my happy butt to bed.


Stay Jazzed.

So Long, Farewell....

Well....

It's about that time. I am actually coming to work tommorow morning (how ugly is that) so I will be able to get my last fix...at least for a week. I'll keep track of what I get into (painting the towns RED baby!!!) while I'm there so I can regale ya'll with tales when I get back.

See ya on the flip side.

Stay Jazzed.

Manic Wednesday

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! No OD?? There HAS to be OD. This is gonna be my last guaranteed OD day… how can it be down?? This is just totally unacceptable. I need my fix. *sighs* Or maybe it is just me… maybe the network is just screwy. Yeah yeah… it’s the network. *shivers*

Okay. I STILL haven’t talked to Cheffy. This is ridiculous. *shrugs* I’m really I’m reallly gonna hate leaving Gio alone for a whole week.. and I’m scared to think of the state my house is going to be in. I am going to get one of those extended waterers and leave a big ole pan of food out. *sighs* This sucks. This is one of those times that it would be good if I did have two cats… that way Gio wouldn’t be just totally bored, and he might not get too people shy. I’m also gonna leave the TV on…that should entertain him.

YAAYYY!! Okay. Now I have to stop and read…since OD is back.

Stay Jazzed

Another Meaningless Entry

*deep breath* *reaalllly deep breath* Okay. I’m about to go BATTY. It’s cruel and unusual punishment to be both tired and bored, and yet forbidden from going to sleep…and your feet hurt too much to just wander around in order to wake yourself up. Cruel and unusual punishment I say. I can’t chat to anyone online as my company was smart enough to block that, none of my favorites are writing on the OD… *sighs* And FoxTrot is starting to get just a little dull…and the fact that the part that I am reading now is all about summer vacation reallllly doesn’t help either. I’m so tired I am seriously considering calling a cab to take me home tonight… damn the bus. *sighs*

Well… cleaned out the change jar at work and I have LOADS of change in there. I have a mug from school on my desk and most of the change that I have from lunch or coffee I just dump the coins in. Hmm… I only took out the silver stuff, and I will take that home and dump it in my random coin jar there. That jar saved my ass many a day while I was in school, letting me scrounge up just a dollar or two for lunch. :) It’s a useful habit to keep.

Ohhhh… I might have some work to do at some point in time in the future. *rolls eyes* I swear, these people like to torment me… one week I am almost in heaven… the next week I have been thrown back into purgatory…if it last for more than a week then.. and only then…am I in hell.
Blather blather blah blah blah.

Hm. I could be off hunting for a cheaper internet access provider. *yawwwwnnnn* maybe later. *grins* See… I’m bored AND laz.y… such an ugly combination.

Hm. My toes don’t hurt when I take my shoes off. *wiggles toes cheerfully* Man…I have vacationitis. I know I’m about to be out of here so I am acting like I’m practically gone.

*hums happily to self* ahhhh.. work work work. How wonderful.

DAMN! Of course, the moment… the very moment that I actually get work to do… the damn system goes down. *rolls eyes in utter disgust* Computers.

Stay Jazzed

Before Lunch - After Lunch

Hm. I think today will be a day of prolific entries. I actually feel like writing, and there is not a damn thing else going on here today. What’s going on in my life?? Nothing much. I feel so much better after the Bra Rant, but *shrugs* I don’t know. I finished reading poppyseed’s diary, so that wonderful source of entertainment is gone.

Hmm. Lunch. What a delightful interruption to the day. There was a ‘cookout’ here, that due to the weather they moved inside. Food wasn’t half bad. I have noticed that I eat a lot less now. *shrugs* I’m just not as hungry, and I get full a lot quicker. Good bad.. I don’t know… I’m just working with it.

I have changed my mind…I’m not going jean shopping tonight. I’m tired, I’m certainly wearing the wrong shoes, and I need to wash clothes. I haven’t worn these shoes in a while (professional looking heels rather than my usual summer sandals) and my toes are NOT happy about being slammed into confinement once again. *sighs* Besides I’m just TIRED. I need to get my rest… there is nothing worse than going on vacation and wasting a day or two just getting your rest. I think I’m going to duck out of here a little early too… especially if it stays this dead.

Hm. I guess I will have to go back to reading comics to pass the time. Fox Trot is hilarious….

Stay Jazzed.

A tale of two Boobs

Ah. A brief rant.

I hate hate hate hate the idiots who make bras. I hate them with a passion. Would you like to know why?

1) They are under the delusion that the bigger your boob are the bigger your back is. HELLO??? Some of us are just well endowed without having a back the size of a linebackers.

2) The change well above 30 bucks for a few scraps of fabric and wire and elastic. I mean REALLY. Why is it that I can buy a shirt (off the rack, not even from a discount place) that covers my ENTIRE upper body…for less than it costs to buy a bra that covers roughly one third of my upper body?

3) Another delusion is that the endowed ladies are all 50 and above. Don’t most women’s breasts tend to get SMALLER as you get older?? Then why are bras of a suitable size (if you can find them) All white or beige and utterly utterly hideous?? I mean I KNOW my boobs are big but if I wanted something to scare small children, I would buy a mask.

Why the rant you may ask?? Because the bra manufactures KNOW that you have to wear bras to fit into most clothes properly…if you aren’t like amazingly perky. And once you slide above that DD line… perkiness tends to be the first thing to go. So I have to wear a bra every day of my life. No choice. However, every single solitary bra I own (and I own a lot…I figure through trial and error I will hit on something right) has something wrong with it. As I am ranting… I’m gonna go through them.

a) The cup stops about a quarter inch above my nipple. If I lean forward too fast… PLOP…out comes the whole boob. Okay for the club and verrrryyy low cut shirts…bad for work.
b) The underwire is 1) made of old knife blades and slices through the bra in two washing flat or 2) the underwire is made of some cheap stuff that as soon as I lean back breaks right in the middle and stabs me in my rib cage for the rest of the day.
c) The bullet look went out with Marilyn. Nuff said.
d) The underwire meets in the middle and pokes out from my chest like an odd third nipple.
e) The cup is justttttt small enough so that while it fits comfortably, I have the dreaded boob-bubble if I shift the wrong way.

Most of the bras that actually fit me right, fell victim to issue b in some form or another. I know of no way to fix an underwire once it has escaped. *sighs* So…where does that leave me? It leaves me with seriously having to consider dropping over 50 bucks on a single bra to get something that fits me right and will last for more than two washings…just because I’m blessed with an abundant bosom. It’s NOT FAIR!!!

My large breasted readers….any ideas or suggestions? The bras I’m considering (only because I have heard good things about them) are carried only by Nordstrom’s (yeah.. I knew I was screwed then) and the brand is called Lunaire (I think) Do any of you ladies know where I can find a reasonable 38-40 DDD-F sized bras for less than an expensive steak dinner? I have even considered buying nursing bras. *sighs* But that little snap opening thing would just freak me out a bit much. I’m not totally sure of what size I would wear because I haven’t been able to FIND any that size…except for on e-bay… and some of them fit and some of them didn’t. And since one of the twins is just a teensy bit bigger than the other one...not enough to eyeball (unless you are starting REALLLLLY hard) but enough to make a difference in bra fit...it REALLLLLLLLLLLLY doesn't help. When a supposed 40 DDD bra fits tighter than an old 38 D I still have… there is CLEARLY a problem.

HEEEEEELLLLPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stay Jazzed… and perky if you are so lucky.

Go SpeedRacer Go!

Ugh. So tired so tired so tired. After I left work yesterday, I ran home (not literally.. trust me) changed clothes as it was getting a little chilly, hopped n another bus and began my Cat Carrier adventures. I didn’t get back home until 10:30. Ugh. I feel like I have been running full blast for the past few days, even though I really don’t think that I have been. *shrugs* Anyhow…
Tonight’s plans are to wash clothes, do my hair, hopefully talk to Cheffy, and maybe pack. Ugh. I was hoping to be able to pack light, but looking at the weather forecasts that may not be a good idea. A cold Jazzy is a grumpy Jazzy, as we all know, and so I won’t be able to pack my usual light summer wear. *sighs* Hm. This is an EXCELLENT excuse to buy a new pair of jeans. *thinks* I would have to do it tonight, as Gio has a vet appointment tomorrow and I am leaving Thursday morning. *sighs* Well. My money isn’t TOO shabby, for a week long fun trip in the sun. And then there are only two weeks after that when I get back before the next pay day so… I should be set. *sighs* Yeah… I’mma go and get some jeans tonight. Old Navy I’m thinking…they tend to have cool stuff in roomy sizes.

*yawns* It’s sad. It’s only quarter till nine ad I can’t WAIT until today is over.

Stay Jazzed.

Weekend Update with Jazzy

Wonderful wonderful wonderful weekend. Friday I was basically a lazy bug, not doing much of anything…trying to gear myself up for the overwhelming task that was facing me on Saturday.
Saturday, I cleaned my house. Scrubbed the floors, vacuumed the whole house, cleaned the kitchen top to bottom, cleaned my room and made my bed. It only took me about 4 hours, which really isn’t too bad. After that I went grocery shopping, and bought myself some flowers. Didn’t realize until I got home and put them in a really big cup (I had run out of vases) that one of the flowers was a pale copy of the dream flower. It doesn’t have any smell though. :(
I also finally went to the library and took back the thirty something books that had been cluttering up my windowsills for most of the year. :) It’s almost scary how clean my house is… but I really like it that way. I am going to start making a conscious effort to keep it clean from now on.
Sunday was rather laid back. I had a taste for McDonalds so I went down town and did some quick shopping. I got a lovely blue vase that sets off the dream flower just right. Pictures are definitely forthcoming for this one. Hmmm… what else?

Talked to some of my friends at ‘home’ over the weekend. I will most likely go up to Philly on the 28th, giving me at least two days there. *nods* Yeah it’s uneven, but I haven’t seen my DC friends for longer. *sighs* I REALLY need to make some friends here. Blagh.

Argh. I hate it when I am thinking of something to write about and them someone interrupts me and POOF! All of the information is just gone. *sighs* Dammit that is going to drive me mad. Umph.

Back. And I still don’t remember what the hell I was going to talk about. *sighs* Ah well.

I’ve made a decision for myself. Henceforth… from two weekends ago and ever on…I am NOT going to stay in the house and veg out and watch tv all weekend. I might not be able to get pictures and the like like I want to, but I WILL get out. Even if it is just a quick trip to the library or something. My main goal is to figure out cool fun places to go that require me spending as little money as possible. Of course, the nicer weather has something to do with this, but also the fact that I just don’t wanna veg out. *shrugs* I don’t know… I’m hitting a mild level of frustration in my relationship with Cheffy, and my way of handling that kind of irritation tends to be getting more independent. Hm. That’s not putting it quite right. I get more selfish I guess you could say. I start doing more just for ME… and not even thinking about him. *rolls eyes*
I know where a lot of my irritation with him is coming form, and it is a mix of general disgust with him, and disgust with myself for letting him get away with this crap for so long. One of the things that I have already gone through in my life, and that I am currently dealing with the repercussions from, is being financially irresponsible. *shrugs* I’ve been there, I’ve done that, and I am not interested in getting too deeply involved with someone who is still going through that phase in their life. *shrugs* I guess basically, the honeymoon is SO over, and I am just settling into dealing with the real life bit. Of course, the fact that he is hard as hell to get in touch with (now that he isn’t using my house as his own crash pad…unless I’m not there… which is a WHOLE nother rant) it’ s hard to *shrugs* hard to grab him and sit him down and just talk.
I’m considering asking for my keys back. *sighs* It’s not that I want to break up with him, it’s just that I want to change to status quo. I don’t feel much like a girlfriend anymore. *shrugs* I want to go back to the whole woo-ing state…cuz I think he feels like I am won, and I ain’t. *shakes head* Confusion, confusion.

In other news, I finally got digital cable. It’s pretty cool. I can’t tell all that much difference in the picture quality, but I love the music channels and the additional movie channels. *nods* It’s cool.. and the new remote is funky too. *laughs* It fits the way I watch TV much better, since most of the time the tv is just on for the noise and I am reading or just chilling anyhow…so having the music channels makes it PERFECT. *grins* However, we will see if I am still quite as cheerful when I get the first months bill for it.
I just cancelled my AOL. I reallllly don’t get alone enough at home to make it worth while. In fact, I rarely even turn on the computer when I am at home. After 8-9 hours on the computer here, the last thing I wanna do is go home and sign on. Yeech. So now I’m back on the prowl for a worthy free internet access program that will let me get on in those rare times when I reallllly need to hop on while I’m at home.

Hmm… off for some surfing…

Stay Jazzed