J said- Father of Mine

There is a song by somebody called that...


Father of mine

tell me where have you been?


I wonder that sometimes...less than usual but more too. I mean... yeah I KNOW where he is... geographically at least. but emotionally? he isn't even here. never has been. most likely never will be. I wonder if when I have children...if he should be a part of their life...and then I wonder.. why bother? He isn't a part of mine...he hasn't been...and I think it is too late for him to be. At least as a father. As a friend.. maybe...if I can work beyond the strangeness of 18 years...and the bitterness that is in there SOMEWHERE... but never really bothered to come out. How can you miss something you have never had? or for that matter.. how can you miss a different version of something you hated?


I listen to/read about others relationships with their fathers and I am amazed..wow. Is THAT what they are for? yes...I will be the first to say that being without a father...without MY father has changed me.. especially as it deals with relationships and children. I KNOW that I will have children some day...but the importance of that child's father being there escapes me. What are they for? An extra body to feed and bring in money? As a support? *shakes head* I cannot understand. My life has been shaped such that I CANNOT understand. My mind will not expand to understand the need. I never asked where was my father. I knew. He wasn't there. all I had was my mommy. And she is all I have EVER needed. *sighs* And as for my relationships? I don't know...I assume since I SHOULD have been affected...that I have been...but since I don't know what kind of woman I would have been with MY father...I have to accept the woman that I have become without him.

Then I have a friend who has no mother. Her mother simply left. Left her twin 3 year old's with their father and their father's mother. And I wonder...being a woman...how has the lack of a mother affected her? How will it impact on her relationship with her children? how has it impacted her relationship with men? All she had was a Daddy. All I have ever had was a Mommy. And that has been all I have ever needed.

Yes. I am fiercely (idiotically at times) independent.

Yes. I DO lok at many a man in terms of what he can give me RIGHT now...cuz promises are worth the paper they are written on.

Yes. I do wonder what makes a man (or a woman) run away from their child/ren.


But in all that...I always seem to end up humming....


How do you feel
when you look over your life
and you don't see me?


J.

J said - Must reality interfere w/dreams?

I don't want to talk
about the state of the union
or about Jada's hair
or about the price of milk

I want to hold you in my arms
wrap my soul around your love
and talk
without saying a thing.

I don't want to write
an essay on
The Suffering of Modern Woman
or an article
for the student paper

I want to put pen to paper
and let the whispers that
haunt my heart
slide into eternity

I don't want to think
about how I'm gonna pay the rent
or what tests I have to take
or what the rest of my life holds

I want to think about the color of your eyes
when you laugh
the sound of your voice
when you cry
the touch of your hands
when you love me.

I don't want to be alone
for life
for birth
for change

I want you to be there
touching me
whipsering to me
holding me
all through my life.


J.

J said - Love and Marriage.....

Yesterday one of my 'married' ex boyfriends came over to visit me. We actually ran into each other in the most innocent of ways... (we both had meetings to go to at school) annnyhowww... we hooked up after our meetings chilled and talked. I haven't had that much relaxed just cool CHILLIN fun in a while. Usually when I go out with a man there is that edge of sex in there somehow... but with him..sense he is married, there is nothing but an edge of flitation, which considering our history is to be expected.


But my friendship with him puts me in the dreaded postion of the X girlfriend. *shrugs* his wife doesn't like me...which I think says a hell of alot more about her than it does about me.. but anyhow... why I am rambling? oh yeah. I'm confused. Because of the type of woman that I am..and because of the type of relationships I find myself in.. I have never been one to worry about my sig other straying... my mentality was always.. if he WANTS to be with me he will stay... if he doesn't.. may he go in peace. I have never been the jealous/possesive type of woman. And I think that confuses people...hell it confuses me sometimes. I don't understand. Can anyone explain this to me? why... why do some people (men and women) believe that by preventing their sig other from seeing/talking to/meeting folx of the opposite sex.. that will magically insure that they stay with them forever?? if someone wants to leave they will... and trying to delay the process will only increase the final pain that htey will have to go through. so why bother?

Am I looking at this too logically? Have I somehow maganed to dissassociate my heart from my brain too much? or am I doing this right and every one else is delusional?


Well... anyhow... talking to him and them not getting enough sleep last night(I don't think it is possible for me to get ENOUGH sleep) and listening to some of the most lovey dovey love songs in the world today brought up this incredible yearning to be made love to. Or to make love. Not to have sex... to to screw.. but to make love... or to just kiss with love. that kiss that tells you OH MY GOD I am in love with this person.


I call it the soul kiss. You kiss and it's like magic.. it is more than passion .. more than lust... more than desire... it brings up and out of you something that makes you want to cry and kiss more...kiss as the tears of wonder and joy roll down your face.. kiss away the salt of your tears until they dry up.. kiss until the sun comes up and smiles on your love & joy...kiss until that person is your world...nothing exists beyond that kiss... nothing NEEDS to exist beyond that kiss...in that kiss you are whole...nothing can harm you...all is healed...all is forgiven.. a soul kiss. is that too much to ask for?


J.

J said - Tigger and Pooh and all hir friends too

WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Okay... yes.. I;m disgustlingly cherrful today. Be warned. I have no clue why. The sky is cloudy (and it's cold and rainy..I feel like I'm in Seattle) I woke up late and had to fly through the house (ever put on deodorant, your pants and brush your tetth at the same time?) in order to make it here on time and now...once again...the quiet descends. *sighs* and...I got about hm 4 hours of sleep? maybe? cuz I was on the phone for HOURS witha friend...god.. i love phones. I love friends. I love the internet...I feel like I'm on another sugar high. But I'm not. I'm just in a DAMN good mood.

*side note - Love is the totality of all things good and bad*


Annnnnnyhow.. i just had to come and share that with everyone..and then! joy upon joy I see the DM has changed the notes rules. I'm sure he (we HAVE ascertained the DM is a man right??)/they (the 'staff') were wondering what they had gotten themselves into. After trying their best to protect us...we cry NOOOOO.... and wonderful folx that they are, they return to us that choice...to decide how thick our skins will be. Thank you DM. thank you for this place. Thank you for your time. Thank you for listening to us. just thanks....the only thing needed now to make this place puurfect would bea way to LOCK our diareis up once we are done. Then if I am in a lab or something...I don't have to worry about some simpleton mc'neil coming and flattening my diary. (dropping large hints profusly) Another thing---how do you guys READ all this?


*looks around for any unsuspecting soul to go and pppooouuuuurrrr her joy and love on*

Oh well...everyone must still be at lunch.


I think I feel so good cuz I went to sleep in a good mood...arms wrapped about my Peaches. Now while Peaches is a lil on the grubby side now...and is no match for warm smooth sweet smelling soft kissable.....ahhh (I'll stop now)skin & flesh...still going to bed with a POOH...makes you feel brand new!



I feel like a tigger today!


*bounces away*


J.




hey...that ryhmed....

J said - To be Continued

(well I TOLD ya'll that is what I was gonna do)

"What's next?" I ask my mind.

"Welll....how about we talk about sex more?"

"No...I think I have worn that one out"

"Not possible..but....how about our friends & sex?"

I laugh- one of those silent internal laughs at the persistance of self.

"Fine...our friends and sex it is."


What about our friends and sex? well... I have something I'm trying to work out...but with respect to the party involved (you KNOW I think better when I write Papi) I shan't put it here.


Anyhow...one of my new booties (internet communichat folx) has asked me how I classify my male friends. And I realize.. except for the information divide between my significant other and my 'just' friends, there is really no difference. True...some friends know all about my sex life (2). Some friends know all about my feelings about him (1..may be 0) Some friends know about my stepfather (1 or 2) (damn Papi...you know ALOT about me) but I don't really classify them. I would sleep with all of my friends (both sexes..and in every sense of that word)...and I would comfort them all...that is what friends are for? yes?

He was confused by this...and I had to explain to him that I don't 'classify' much in my life. I am not good at sorting out or pin pointing my own emotions...I know WHAT I feel...but not why or how much or to what extent. I don't like pinning down my attractions (I like people...*sly grin* in soooo many different ways...sometimes) because it makes me feel limited. I feel like once you have called a unicorn a goat it can never go back to being a unicorn again even if that is what it actually was.


"I don't want to talk about sex anymore...what will you LET me talk about next?"

"magic?"

"hmm..people might think I'm crazy"

"If they don't know that by NOW...they need to start at the beginning and read the diary again..because CLEARLY they missed something the first time"


*side note - the hormones have let me GOOOOOO! *

Okay... had to make a candy run.....as I was saying..magic.


Or...as some would call it... Magick.


High Magick. *sighs* I don't even think I can explain HOW or why I think that it exists. I haven't SEEN a scrap of proof...and the only evidence I have is what I have read. But I suppose that and my natural agreement with W.Shakespeare "Horatio...there is more in heaven and earth than can be IMAGINED in your philosophy"

With that thought...and the fact that as a small child my mind was warped *grins* by reading stories of wonders and visions and absolute FANTASIES...I mean...how could I NOT believe?

So..what do I believe? I believe that there is a force out there (call it energy..karma..the spirit world... whatever you like) that can be tapped into and controlled by those who have a certain amount of innate ability, and some training. The tapping into and controlling of that force allows these people to do things that according to current science and modern belifs are simply not possible. *shrugs* I guess I am a DISbeliever in the fact that science has proved everything...more than I am a believer in Magick (not) any way...why I'm I talking about this? well...because sometimes...once again perhaps the product of a deluded mind, but sometimes...I feel like I am on the edge of something...wonderful. I don't know how to explain it.. and I'm not sure if anyone out there knows...but sometimes I feel like I could just close my eyes and leap into another...another LEVEL of being somehow just with the force of thought/will.

That feelings reminds me of titles that I am upset that other people have taken

On A Clear Day, I Can See Everything

The Amazing Oneness of Being

I can't describe it. It makes me pause and gasp and yearn to reach it...but I'm not even really sure what IT is....but it is part of Magick to me. Magick and Fey.


"Are we done yet?"

"Yes..almost..but we haven't talked about...."

"NO.. not today...perhaps later..perhaps on paper"

"Then what about...."

"No...that is for another place..."

"Then yes...I guess we are done"


J.

J said - On and on.....

It's aggravating being sleepy...and wanting to write at the same time. The desire to write twitches RIIIGHT under your skin...and yet the desire of your brain to slip into unconsiousness almost insures that whatever is written will be blurred at best...and at worst illogical and confusing. Ah well. I'm at work. I can't go to sleep. So I will write.
About what is the question? Well let's start with sex.

I have thought about/decided several things about myself. Thanks to observations from a few of my friends (and some relative strangers)...and some nice insightful reading... I have come to some conclusions. What they are?

1) I am comfortable...amazingly so...with my sexuality. I have no problem stating who and what I like...how I like it...why I like it, and what I would do to make it better. and I LOVE hearing (and finding out about) what others like...why they like it...what would make it better for them...and when they can teach me something new.

2) Yet along with this comfort...I'm ready to start restricting my...ahhh...adventures shall we say? Not that I will stop having casual sex...no because that would imply that I am trying to get serious with it(god/dess forbid) but rather I will... hmm explore more of the person before I dip into the pleasure palace. I have extended my list by a few so far...and *yawn* it hasn't been the surge of rockets and lights I hoped it would be.

3) At the SAME time...I want to explore MORE sexual/sensual areas...both of myself and others. I don't know...I feel like I am reaching towards something...that can be found through a deeper knowledge of how we (humans) react to...what can I call it? not sex.. but maybe pleasure. I'm not sure...maybe I am creeping towards hedonism in my old age.


Okay...*the mind has awoken and lightening fast demands that I WRITE WRITE WRITE WRITE*


Another thing...that I have noticed within myself... another change shall we say? I am starting to think about finding/discovering/creating a...personal spiritual base for myself. While both Islam and Christianity still figure largely in my creepy dreams at night (the way that their current practioners ptactice..not the original religions)I want something to base myself in. I have started little rituals for myself...but.. I want to share them, or perhaps find a framework that will accpet me & them. I am once again considering looking into Wicca or one of the other goddess based religons...but my natural shyness *laughs* simply holds me back from really exploring these areas. It's strange that while in one moment I'm nearly in tears from hearing and/or singing certain gospel songs...yet the thought of going INTO a church gives the the heme-memes...I don't know...maybe I'll start to work through The Silver Broomstick again.


Is that all? *no no NOOOO screams my mind..write more write more....*


One of my not-so-close friends gave me an AMAZING sideways compliment one day not to long ago. She said that I write like a playwriter. At least when I'm IM'ing ( am I the only one who has noticed that what used to be a strictly AOL term has spread like the word Band-Aid to cover any instant internet communication? ) someone she said. I put in *grins* and *laughs* and *Actions* all the time. I write like I'm actually having a conversation. From the long drawn out *hmmmmmm's* that mean I'm 'listening' , please continue..to the *sly grins* and *evil smiles* that mean to anyone who knows me that I'm up to something scandalous in my mind. I think that it removes some of the cold distance that the net has...allowing me to feel like I'm actually COMMUNICATING with who ever I'm talking to. not chatting...not talking...but COMMUNICATING...listening and absorbing and replying as needed.

But what made this such a wonderful compliment is that I tend to have a problem writing dialouge. I can describe the HELL out of a scence...down to the wrinkles in the sheets and the faint smell of incense and chocolate that linger in the air...but making my characters SPEAK as if they are real 3D people has never been a strong point. but if I can communichat...then doggane it I can communiwrite.


*are we done yet?? NOPE.. must write more*


To be continued..... (I don't want anything to be lost)


J.

J said - Hands & Notes

I have changed in the past few months...changed in how I look at people. Not to long ago, when I first looked at a person, I would automatically looked into their eyes to see what was going on behind them, or what they were trying to conceal behind them. Now, I look at their hands. Hands can tell such interesting stories, or at least they look like they can. Long hands, small hands, hands that don't seem to belong to the body they are on...short nails...long nails...smooth skin..veins... rings...tattos...all sorts of things. I find myself staring at hands, wondering at their history. Have they hit today? Have they loved? Have they hugged? Have they comforted? Have they caressed? Have they held? Have they pushed away? Have they healed? Have they hurt? What have they done? what has been done to them? Women's hands... men's hands.. even childrens hands...watching how they hold onto things...how they hold onto each other...how they adjust their clothes...how they stroke their hair...hands almost seem like separate entities to themselves...different from the rest of the body. Any way.. I stare at hands now...I think they know almost as much as the eyes do about the person they are attached to.


Okay.. onto the next Topic...the whole note thing. *sighs*

While I have never had one of those ugly notes.. I have seen some.. and I have heard reprecussions from some...people who have exposed their SOULS and have had them ripped & wounded & denigrated by some wandering stranger who gets a kick out of leaving their own brand of foulness on anothers work. But alllll the same....somehow saying that EVERYONE outside of this space (the OD) is/will be harmful..is hurtful both to those who would wish to share their thoughts..as well as those diarists who would leave their thoughts here.

I KNOW the DM did this to protect us...but at the same time...is there a point at which we can be TOO sheltered?


J.

J said - For Mi Papi

I am constantly amazed by him. He has gone through things that I PRAY that no one else born will have to endure, and yet he has survived and blossomed and grown.
Have you ever wanted to wrap yourself around someone and pull them inside of you so that you can protect them from WHATEVER the world may have in store for them because those hurts will have to come through you first?

That is what I wish I could do for the child that he was...hide him away somewhere within me...away from anyone who would touch him with ANYTHING other than love...but then would he be the man that he is now?

And that is even sadder...would he be the wonderful strong...friend that I have now if he HAD NOT suffered? I don't know...I think he would.. Everytime I talk to him I am reminded of how each of us is blessed and cursed in some way...and how we each must grow from it.

Papi...*laughs* he is my brother.. my closet friend...a storng man that I have grown to love.


This is for you Mi Papi....
You are a wonderful Man...
I love you .


And you know what the strangest part of this all is?


We have never actually met each other. At least not in the flesh. And sometimes I feel like that would almost be superfluous...like why meet? then I KNOW.. that us meeting will simply add something to the relationship that we have.


Mi Papi...Mi corazon...


J.

J said - Snippets and Sonnets & Literary Things

When ever I'm disturbed or not at peace bits and peaces of words or poems or prose tend to drift through my head. Lately I have managed through a comedy of the most unpleasent errors to screw up (partially) a mailing that my job is doing. I hate screwing up.. to err is human bedamned...mistakes..errors and in genral wrongness is not in my vocabulary. Anyhow....because of this I'm feeling a little less than my usual glory of light & joy self. So... what is drifting through my mind today?


From shakespeare's 'Much Ado about Nothing' (the GREATEST play/movie of all time....if you haven't seen the one with Denzel Wasington in it runnnnnn to your nearest video store and rent it)


May I live in thy eyes...sleep in thy heart.. and die in thy lap.


From Des'ree (does anyone want to get me a complete set of her CD's for a housewarming gift?)


Gotta be strong
Gotta be tough
Gotta be wiser


From a poem that I wrote...in early or mid 98.


Ruth saying: where ever you go
there I will be


from a poem I wrote yesterday.. or the day before...


Despite space
with love
we touch us


Ah well...anyway... *shrugs* I'm so tired... just drained drained drained...and I'm sure that is because

1) I haven't been eating right
2) I have cash flow issues and troubles
3) The seasons are changing


*sighs* When one lusts after sleep like a hungry person lusts after food...that is bad. although I always feel fully rested when I wake up.. to bed around 10;30 11ish...back up at 6:30 7ish....I get more than enough sleep....but..when your tired everything looks like hell


May you be in heaven for two days before the devil knows you are dead...


Is that appropiate for a birthday card? Do I really care? His birthday was yesterday...I sent him that.. along with a quote from the little prince about how what is truly essential cannot be seen by the eyes...it can only be seen and understood by the heart...considering that he often acts like he doesn't HAVE a heart.. he might miss out on the whole meaning of the quote.


Ah well.


J.

J said - The Rules

I'm not sure how many of you have heard of them, as popular as they are, so I will explain.

The Rules are the fool proof-fail safe way to find, keep and get a man to marry you. (Kinda like the sophiscated modern way of getting knocked up and making the man marry you or get shot by your father)Written by two white(and yes..that does matter) women, they list the steps, and the rules that a woman should follow in order to snag her Mr. Right. They even have wonderful little website www.therulesbook.com. Okay...and the problem is?

The rules...somehow wierd me out.. they twist my insides and make me want to go and dip my head in cold water. When I read them it feels like a slow brainwashing...or more accurately a rapid mindfuck. Why you may ask?? Maybe it is because despite my delightfully single swinging life, I firmly believe in that good old fashioned stuff like love...and discovery...and intimacy..and communication..and dear god.. dare I say it...HONESTY.. And with the rules...well basically you are playing a game. You are dangling sex, your time, and your personality in front of him..refusing to give them to him until after (and oh YES! they have rules for married folx too), and not really giving yourself to him fully then, he gives you the "ring" *pauses to listen to the angels sing* . *shudders* The rules... they remind me of whores for some reason...perhaps it is the cold blooded planning of it...perhaps it is the out and out lying of it...perhaps it is the fact that the whole thing is based on 'men's biological NEED to chase women'... I'm not sure...but they makes me shudder anyway...



And then there is this other book...called the Sista's Rules...written by a black woman for black women. Most of the rules here are common sense...at least to me...they give YOU the control...and the power. They don't ask that you wait for him to ask you out...or call...yet they say not to spill you entire life story...be mysterious.. but not cold...be open..but not loose. And after reading the two books.. I began to wonder... is there really THAT much difference between the way black and white women are socialized...as well as black and white men.. so that while the Rules may work on (and for) one race...they totally fail for the other?


I hate never dated a white man...but I have dated black men...most of them think that if after three calls... or maybe two...you don't call them back...you are playing them (or not really interested) and they move on. Yet according to the Rules...this is the kind of activity that makes men want you even more.


*shrugs* I don't know....they make me feel slimy inside...like a slug has briskly whirled around inside my head...perhaps because they imply that men are too stupid to notice the Rules are being used on them, or perhaps because it takes me back to a older time when women played demure sweet and shy, just to nab themselves a 'catch' ahh well.


Or perhaps...my simple terror of EVER giving up control over my life, and over what I can say and think and over how I can act has so turned me off from the book because it is saying to be cold, icy, and distant.no matter what you REALLY want to do..because it is only your own stupidity talking...and a RULES girl (that is another that rubs me the wrong way.. why are they girls? the book is aimed at woman 25 and up..and dammit if anybody but my momma or my grandmomma calls me a GIRL after 25.. we will have to fight) doesn't allow base emotions to sway her from the path that the Rules has laid out.


Maybe one day.. when I get truly desperate.. and simply HAVE to have a man...I will turn to the Rules too...and dishonesty and game playing bedamned.


J.

J said - Salt + Wound(open) = OUCH!

Ahh.... the wonders of a peaceful Saturday...I managed to not wake up until almost 2 p.m., and then lounged about the house in a decadent state. All I needed was some bon bons and a handsome person to rub my feet and life would have been just perfectly GRAND. But there was no such soul here, and to entertain myself I turned to reading Alice Walker's 'Anything We Love Can Be Saved'. After getting thoroughly mellowed out from that, and thinking about the things in my life that I loved, I grabbed my 52 Ways to simplify Your Life cards, and did a quick reading. (yes I use them like Tarot sometimes... and it seems to work). It said... basically that I needed to devote more time to a passion of mine before I lost all touch with it and myself.
Encouraged, I immediately ran to the living room and began to dig up all of my old writing... stuff from waay back in '92 up until the relative present. As I read, I was shocked by how much in there focused around one person....and how much stuff in there was FROM this one person. ACH! Salt drops into the wound. Everywhere I turn..even to the thing that is MY heart's passion.. he sits looking back at me (okay that fact the he shares..or at least he used to share that passion may be why...but STILL!) ...it is hard ..and odd ...and painful to untangle someone so thoroughly from your life...So....aching from that pain... and sternly telling myself not to cry..no I WON'T cry....I instead went onto collecting MY stories.. MY tales.. MY poems.... I have almost 6 beginnings or outlines to books & stories that I need to tell. Some of them have become more immediate and real to me, and some have faded away into that place where my 16 year old self stays.

Then I found another salty spot... a letter from my father. Humph.. long lost and rarely (once) seen, I didn't even bother to reread it. I am already too closely balanced on that NO.. I'm NOT gonna cry edge to read anything from him. However, I do want to drop him an email....but of course.. he is not 'with' the 21st century..because he doesn't appear to have a an email account....*GASP* What type of man has half of my DNA come from....NO email account?? even my mother.. of the famous 'What is the difference between a modem and a mouse' question has an email account! any way... that thwarted.. I still needed to write... not start on one of the tales yet...because I'm not ready for them...but..ah! The OD. A perfect place to spill and gush and talk..and to see what travails and drama's others have in their life.


Last night I showed one of my more frequent partners this site, and told him that YES I do have a diary... I didn't tell him who...and I won't. Already one person knows of my existence here..but as I trust him with my all....everything I say here..mostly he already knows.

But this other person....welll as nice of a person he is.. there is alot of me he doesn't know...and I have no problem keeping it that way. I'm not trying to obtain anything like that with him....and don't see myself doing so anytime soon.

And the summary of all that is?? Well... I don't know...this space is more than just a site for me.. it has become a place where I can shake down my braids. relax...and let it alll hang out.

wounds...salted and otherwise...are are part of growing up. Like the ubiquitous broken bone....and the constant scraped knees that we encounter in childhood...adulthood produces other wounds... not as obvious to the eyes...but still as deep and as open.


J.


but...Writing + Jazz(soft & slow) = Balm to all that ails me

J said - Awareness of Power

It's terrifying to be caught so fully in the grip of something that you are fully aware of yet cannot control. At a certain time of the month, I am caught in the powerful rage of my horomones. Up and down in and out, I can't control my mood swings or my energy. No matter what I do, I'm tired...or bursting with energy. I have a deep hateful rage toward the world...or I love everyone and everything. I am gleeful and secure in myself.. or I feel like a worthless smear on the windshield of life. And as each of these moods take me, I am fully and totally absorbed into them. Nothing I can do, nothing anyone can say changes that state I am in.


I wish that I was back on the pill sometimes, because at least that eliminated these wild swings...but it also wiped out most of my libido...which I missed dreadfully. So, for a few days of the month I try to avoid people, I try to meditate ALOT, I try to eat chocolate and remind myself of the wonderful person that I am. But sometimes those dark clouds sweep in faster than I can control them...and I am sunk into a state of despair. It is during these times that I can fully emphathize/symphathize with friends of mine who suffer from depression...it is a dreadful horrible thing. To consiously KNOW that there is nothing wrong with you..that life really is kinda good...but to at the same time be totally aware that you, and everything you have ever done, means approxiamately jackshit. I hate feeling this way, and I celebrate that it doesn't last...


And then I sweep through the time...and stand on the other side...mind whole, body free once again ready and willing to conquer everything. Every month I must cross the burning sands...and emerge as a woman again.



*****


Okay, enough dreary stuff...suddenly I have nothing more to say...I WANT to write to spill to gush, but I really don't have anything to say. I lead such a bland life...by all that is in my control.. I WILL go out this weekend and take pictures like a mad woman...I will stay sober (maybe) and I will write. Sometimes I want to take my camera to work with me just to capture that early morning light..the way it lays (lies?) across the grass, twinkling off of every blade...or so freeze the old bare tree against the stormy sky.. *sighs* or to steal that moment when her eyes light up...I hold these pictures in my mind. .but I want to hold them in my heart.


I have another book in the mental mills...The title will come from the old saying..."There, but for the grace of God, go I" I want it to be a complilation of stories and pictures from those displaced persons...I hate to call them homeless, because humans are adapt at finding a home anywhere, but they are displaced..misplaced.. somehow they have lost that PLACE they might have called home. I am curious..and intrigued by the stories they must have..some I'm sure come from drugs..and others from mental disorders...but how many were once like me? or like any of my friends...young..headstrong...and full of security that the world would always do them right... yet something happened that now leaves them in a state where they are pitied, abused, and reviled...by individuals, by the media, by the government. I wonder...and simply whisper.. there..but for her grace...go I.


J.

J said - Space...Air...Life...Body

I feel like I am just occupying space.. that I'm doing nothing at all worthwhile with my life. And I suppose I feel that way because it is true, yet at the same time there is really nothing that I WANT to do. I think that i have hit one of those PMS moodswings... where I feel drained and tired and hopeless and empty. But still, what am I doing with myself? I'm not doing anything creative.. nothing constructive.. nothing useful at all. I'm living breathing and taking up space. I fel like a placeholder in someone else's life...and I wish I knew whose life it was.


I have so many grandiose plans of what I'm going to do with my life...and no plan of HOW to do it. *sighs* However said that your own worst enemy is yourself spoke more truth than they realize. I am the only one holding me back.. I am preventing myself from climbing that mountain...but I don't have the desire (or the mountain) to climb. I have no ambition.. *sighs* I'm quite sluggy...and I'm not sure if it is a phase.. or a period (in more ways than one) or a realization of what I am really all about. But I feel like a stage prop...2D and nearly unnoticable.


Anyhow....enough moaning and mooning about me. I have been reading alot of other folx diares in here and they really blow my mind. I mean these folx have LIVES!!!... yeah...so most of them are older than me...and most have more money than me...and most are freer than me...but still...they are doing things that I would never be able to do.. at least not in this life time.. *sad smile*


So.. what do I want to do you are asking? hmmm only three things really...

1) Start taking alot more pictures
2) Go to the gym at least three times a week...like I said I would in the first place.
3) Write more...more of anything...poetry...stories...junk..ANYTHING!!
4) Just do more. in generall this whole work home sleep eat work home sleep eat cycle is startng to drive me batty.. I feel my brains turning to mush as I speak/write


And I hate being tired alllllll the time.


Humph...


J.

J said - As the days go on...

This weekend was actully kinda fun. We got along well, and I didn't have any of those incredible urges to slap the stuffing out of one of them. Well, with that experience behind me, I must continue on, in the household business.

The house is pretty much so set up, and I realized that I really couldn't fit too much furniture in there. A coffee table for my phone, some pillows and a papasan to sit on, a bed (queen or full) for my room and a dresser. That is really all I need and my palace will be complete. The heat does work, but the thermostat is broken so it isn't acting right...I feel ever so bad because I haven't been to the gym in a whole WEEK...but really I have had perfectly good reasons not to go. I will start going tommorow ( I would go today...but I forgot my clothes..). Seeing them inspired me to slim down. We used to be the same size..and I think that we have changed in an inveresely propotional way...but I will make it...*sighs* I need a sugar daddy or something to take care of me...or at least provide for my being took care of. Ah well...pipe dreams and beggars wishes....


I realize that I babble alot.. but that is how I think...most of the time...I want to leave a record of what I'm doing and thinking now..so later I can see it clearly...


Most of my entires aren't very deep.. or very interesting..but they make sense to me...


I wrote my own wedding vows...a long time ago when I was deliciously in love and predicting what our children would look like.. I reread them (as I was unpacking) and realized that I really don't ask for much. All I want is someone to stand beside me through it all. I own this set of books called 'The Missing Piece' and 'The Missing Piece Meets The Big O'. They are childrens books, but to me they are a wonderful set of guidelines as to what relationship should be. In one..the missing piece finds a perfect fit with some one who is well..missing a piece. But as they travel, the missing piece begins to grow..and since the oter could not grow to accomadate the missing piece, they had to go their own ways. I think that if folx understood that that was a integral part of relationships..growing and sometimes having to let go.. there wouldn't be as much bitterness in the world. Sometimes we have to grow..and sometimes we grow beyond others...and when we do.. we have to be able to let go, with out anger, with out bitterness...but with the gentle release of meeting someting that was long expected to happen.

That may be why I could never see myself married. That is a bond that says there is NO letting go...there is no release...and I can't imagine ever finding someone who will grow with me...and who I can grow with. yet.. I want to fell the joy that Shaina sings about.. 'from this moment on....' I want to know the comfort of Janet 'everywhere I go every smile I see'. I want to be able to find comfort in someones arms...aware that the end may come..but too happy to think about it much.


J.

I let you go...free of any baggage...free from my tears...free from my pain. I let you go. And as you go...I remember what I have learned from you...and I continue to grow.

J said - What do you mean what do I want to do???

As I was coming to work this morning, the thought struck me that I have to figure out what I want to do with my life pretty darn soon. I mean considering my track record, as SOON as I get back in school I need to start loking for a post-graduation job. And I have no clue what I want to do..I feel like going to school is a placekeeper.. something that I was expected to do so I did it... mind you, I am not regreting it in the least.. but I still have no direction and no CLUE as to what I want to do once I'm done. I mean what does a computer science major do..when she doesn't want to program? espicially at an entry level? well... that is a small worry for another day....


J.

J said - Aggravation

Today has been a day in which I am SURE the gods are laughing at me...just getting a kick out of my games of catch as catch can...and answering machine tag...and we aren't even going to talk about the fact that my house is still a wreck..two of my old friends from high school are coming tonight I have no food..and I STILL can't find my mouse. But I'm loving it.. I feel like a real independent woman somehow. BUt I suppose giving away all of your money in rent is one way to do thst hm?


Any how.. the current source of my aggravation is that fact that my school's financial aid office succcckkks. In a very serious and major way.. How are you going to be open...and NOT answer the phone? and it is entirely tooooo late for a lunch break. I think that they just don't answer the line that I'm calling because they know that it will most likely be an irate student demanding to know where in gods good name their money is. And me and money are having an interesting relationship right now. It isn't right when one entity in arelationship has all of the power...and the other is just trying to get a lil something.....


As for my friends....well...we haven't seen each other for such a while that I am sure it will be...interesting to put it mildly to see how we interact. Also.. I'm longing for a good late weekend. One in which I don't have to get up at an un gracious hour to go and get on the bus and do something dreadful. Well not dreadful..but just too much. I haven't been able to sleep late for the past THREE weekends....I need my rest/recuperation/just being damn lazy time. Ah well... is THIS what the working world is all about?


J.


P.S. As I read over this diary entry it kinda sounds like a bitch session..but I'm actully in a very up mood..like looks interesting and unpredictable.. who KNOWS what tommorow might bring?

J said - WHEEEEEEEEEEE! THUD!

While riding the roller coaster of life
a bird flew by

why
it enquired
was I leaping and pitching about
when I could fly?
I'm afraid
because the
ground
seems too far away.
The bird looked down
and promptly fell out of the sky.
as it hit it said..
Only those who ignore the danger
can experience the clouds.


Okay.. so I'm getting philosophical ideas from Looney Tunes...but in a way it is true...if you are always looking down at the ground.. your focus is no longer on flying..it is on staying away from the ground. I can always do beter when I focus on the postive aspects of whatI am doing... rather then the negative aspects of what me NOT doing what I'm doing would cause. So WHY do I insist on looking at the ground all the time?

It is almost an enouragement born of fear...if I DON'T work hard...I'll flunk out of school...instead of..if I DO work hard..I'll get a bomb job with my grades...If I DON'T send in this letter I won't get a scholarship ..instead of if I DO send in this letter I might get mad loot. Maybe it's because sometimes I don't really want to do it...so I bring in heaven and hell to encourage me...perhaps it is those last remnants of the religious society thatI have grown up in...throughly disregarded...but some of it seeps into your consiousness anyway...


Anyway...I have been re-reading some of my old writings..and old letters and old cards... (the best part about moving) and I have once again realized that all through my life I have been much loved...not always by the same person..and not always in the way I wanted to be loved. It's a shame that I have lost some of that love....but I suppose that is a part of growing up.

Anyhow...I miss writing some of that stuff. Like this one story that I read.. that is kinda...painful. I remember writing it...and I didn't think that is was so bad then..but as I re read it.. I realized that there wad alot of pain in it.. *shrugs* Not sure why..and why does work seem to get better the older it is??? Maybe because I don't really remember it, or the reasons behind my writing it...


Any way.....
Do you suppose
after the bird fell
it ever regained the courage
to fly again?

I will stay on my roller coaster
and let the supports hold me
until I can trust my wings.



J.