Reshaping 1: Silent Beginnings

I figured Halloween was a good day to start, as heaven knows, this is SCARY. Let's start with the current numbers...

K's Stats	Current	Goal	Diff
Age:	28	30	N/A
Height:	5'4 (64 in)	5'4	N/A
Weight:	230lbs	140	90lbs
BMI:	39.5	24	15.5
Upper Arm	16	12	4
Bra Size	40DDD	36DD	4in/1 cup
Waist	43	28	15
Hips	51	39	12
Thighs	29	22	7

The 'Goal' sizes would put me in a size 10 - which would thrill me to utterly no end. Ya notice, I plan to do this by my 30th birthday, which gives me 62 weeks. I think it's definitely do-able. A little under a pound and a half a week, and really - the measurements are MUCH more important to me than the weight itself - I could be 160 - 170, and if I can fit nicely into a 10, I'll be thrilled.

So - how do I plan on doing this?
1) Exercise - *gasp* That's right - the hated word. I'm going to finally start doing my swimming/weights routine that I've had prepared for oh, eons now. The schedule is as follows:
Monday & Wednesday: Starting with 1/4 mile (9 laps) - I haven't figured out the step-up schedule yet.
Tuesday & Thursday: Full Weight schedule (the one I've had for ages) - once I can do more reps at the end of a set, I go up by five pounds.
Saturday: Yoga & Ab Work at Home
Friday & Sunday: Days of Rest

2) Diet - this one, I honestly haven't figured out yet. I think that I'm going to do an unholy combination of French, South Beach, and Low Cal. My definite goal is under 50 carbs a day and under 1200 calories a day. I'm going to exercise for three weeks before I even start WORRYING about this however - those three weeks are the 'evalution' period from French - where I look at what I eat, and determine what I am easily willing to relinquish, and what would just be too too hard to give up on. For example - I already know that I can easily give up on the cookies from work, but the home baked bread I won't give up on. I can give up on the sugary drinks, but I will keep my good wine. I will limit my apple cider to the sugar free stuff from home, and only twice a week. So - my ultimate goal is to basically use the 'mental' aspects of the French, the nutritional aspects of SB, and have both of those limited within my caloric intake. A lot of it will consist of high quality food, carry in lunchs, and *groans* three meals a day. I really HAVE to start eating breakfast. But - I figure, a cup of something warm, half a piece of fruit, and a bit of yogurt should be enough. So...so so....

Okay - I wandered off to get a food diary, and now I ahve no clue where else I was going. But I think that's it - food and exercise. We'll get into rewards once I've actually earned one. Though, I really do want to create a calendar for meself..... I think I'll do that, then go eat lunch.

Yaaaaaaaaaaawwwn

Fall back gives you an extra hour my tail - I just wanted to fall BACK into bed this morning. But - bleh. Somehow I managed to drag myself up, had the hubby scare the living crap out of me by still being home (he had an unexpected day off) and somehow ended up at work 1/2 hour early (which is virtually unheard of for me!!)
So now of course, I'm sitting here yawning my head off, but at least I only have another 30 minutes or so. Going swimming tonight (YAYY!! me!) and brought a sweat suit to change into.... I'm debating if I should change at work, or if I should jsut go to the gym, swim, then put the sweatsuit on. Benefits of changing at work? I can leave one outfit in the car. Benefits of changing at the gym? I don't have to come back into work to change. Sadly enough, I think that might win out - once I am out of this building, I really don't want to come back in until TOMMOROW morning.

I say FIE upon Access by the way - I don't WANT the users to see the database when they use the form, and it seems like there needs to be some sort of heavt VBA shite going on to do that - and ya know, it's SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO not that crucial, eh? But - most of the form is done. I need to put in some validation stuff, and bang out a report or two - but still this was the 'famed' 3 month long project. If this validation takes me two months to do - I'll.....I'll - I'll eat something REALLY gross.

Speaking of eating gross stuff - the habeneros have almost ALL turned orange from being in the house. I need to grab a cutting before the poor plants die from the frost...and I need to slice up the peppers and 'flash' freeze them so that we will have lovely spicy goodness all winter long. Speaking of all winter long - can I say just how BADLY we sucked in our first month of budgeting?? Hmm?? Suckworthy, we were. It's funny though, C is almost more on board than I am - example? I put together a 'grading scale' for us based on how much we spent over our base budget amount. I thought that 50.00 was a good scale - he wants it to be 25.00. :) heh, well excuse me Frugal Fred!! Anyhow - there were a few 'unexpected' items. We STILL managed to save ALMOST as much as we were supposed to (I think we saved like 50 less than we were supposed to) largely due to his overtime - but really, we could have don'e MUCH better. So - we got an 'F' this month - we'll see how we do next month.

I'm rambling on, as it is FAR too late in the day to meddle about with Access anymore...and my toes hurt...and I'm sleepy - which I think I mentioned all ready.

*taptaptap*

 

*blinks*

Well..... I've survived day one of hubby-at-home rather nicely - so far, so very good. And I'm quite relieved to find out I'm not the only one who gets the wiggling heebie-jeebies at the thought of spending ALL of their time with someone. And EEKK!! I found out he's going to have the weekends OFF! *gasp*

Access is going to make me pull my hair out, but in a good way. :)

I forgot to eat lunch today as I was so involved, and I have every intentions of escaping early and going home and baking a fresh loaf of bread. In fact, I hope to meddle about on here until it's time to go. 4:16 now....

Found 'French Women Don't Get Fat' - am dissapointed so far because it apparently is bestfor those semi-svelte women who only have 30 pounds or so to lose - heifern. Still, seems like a good attitude to have as far as appreciating food and eating for QUALITY rather than quantity and being aware of what's going in your mouth. I realized today as I was getting dressed (we aren't even going to TALK about the clothing hurricane that is the library/my closet) that I really DON'T have an issue with the weight that I am - with my size. What I would like to get rid of, is what I've had since I was BORN - my potbelly (or bucketbelly now).  EVERYTHING else on me is proportionate - hips to boobs, ass to thighs, knees to ankles, head to everything else - EXCEPT the belly. My grandmother once thought I had worms. *le sigh*.  But one good thing about me - as I lose weight, my waistline tightens up too....

We grilled last night - lovely ribs, simply lovely. I made veggies to go on the side, he had soup. I want something - summery for dinner tonight. Not ready for Fall. Not! Not! Not!

Finally gave in and picked the last of the habeneros from the plant last night - brought them in the house, and left them out on the counter. This morning, five or six of them had turned orangey colored - I think just the warmth of the house is making them ripen. I think that I'll take a cutting or two from the plants and try to over winter them. Hmmm.. Cuttings.

HMm....looks like I cut, and stick in some dirt. Hmmm......Sweet.

4:25pm. Not bad. G'night ya'll.

I'm such a horrid wife....

The darling light of my life is about to start working days, and I'm hyperventilating. Why, you may ask? Because that means we'll be together ALLLLLLLLLL the time - okay, maybe not Saturdays, but STILL.
See, you must understand two things about me. One, I'm an only child, and I need time away from humans in order to remain human - no matter how much I might love them.  Two, for a good 80% of our relationship together, we've worked roughly opposite shifts. I've done the 9-5pm bit, and he's done the 3-11pm bit. We always have weekends, and lately it's been Monday's together. Which means that we get our 'own' time about 3 days a week (I stay up late on Fridays and spend that time with him as well) and have lovely wonderful togetherness time 4 days a week. Has worked wonderfully thus far.

Now....he's switching to days. Which will most likely turn into 7-3pm - which means I'll get a little time in the morning (when I'm not human ANYHOW) and no time at all (besides driving home from work) to myself in the evening.  AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! And to make it even worse, it's getting COLD - which means I can't escape outside. I love him, love him dearly, but I know that it's going to drive me crazy.crazy.crazy. And I really have no clue of how to deal with/handle it.

It's not like - he bugs me or anything - I just like having time to myself. And it's interesting, because I've always wondered/worried about this aspect of myself once I have kids - but I realized, ya know what - they HAVE to sleep sometime.......and that can be the 'me' time that I need, whereas the light of my life WILL stay awake until I go to bed, and will come to bed with me.

So. I'm making plans....plots would be a better word - on how to deal with it. The way our house is set up, the only room that I could retreat to would be the loft - which wouldn't be bad, except for the fact that the computer mainly resides downstairs (ah yes, remind me to gnash my teeth over my computer). And besides, theres' no furniture up there. *laughs* Ya know, this might be a wonderful way to FORCE me to go and work out on a regular basis - I can zone away into my own little wornd while I'm working out, and come home 'cleared' and refreshed. That would really be a win-win....and once again, it would give me SOME alone time 4 days of the week - plus making me go to the gym. Hmmmm - that might be right peachy.

See??? I feel better already.

 

---

 

Got the new piece for my laptop (a backlight for the screen, if anyone is interested). Tested it IN the screen that chickiedee sent it to me in (the one that she said worked). Now, she could be lying, but as this is a replacement part for the FIRST one I got (that reminds me, I need to leave feedback) I doubt it -  she's already got mah money. *sigh* hooked it up to the computer, turned it on, and nothing. Utter darkness. Which *swears vibrantly* tells me that it's something OTHER than the backlight. Am I going to take it to get fixed? No, no I'm not...and why not you may ask? Because fixing the damn screen on a laptop is the MOST expensive bit of the little bastards. I was lucky in being able to get a new screen for 'cheap' (300 and someodd dollars??) when the first one got cracked, but dammit I am NOT shelling out for another screen at this point in time. And from what I've seen online, if I took it to someone to get fixed, they would laugh at me and tell me it would end up being CHEAPER (once you factor in labor) to buy a new one. Dammit. So. *sigh* I suppose I could check out the inverter - depsite me being almost POSITIVE that isn't the problem - and seeing if that works.
The computer is going to have to become stationary, I think - largely because I can get a nice monitor for much cheaper than a new computer...but that would also require the use of a good desk, as we won't be able to balance a laptop bottom and a monitor on the little TV trays that we are currently using.  And besides, I'm stubborn - I LIKE my computer. I've got it set up JUST right. I don't WANT a new one, dammit - despite the fact that we actually have enough money saved (house money!! do not touch!!) to get a really noice new laptop - but no. So....on the lookout for a nice monitor, and a worthwhile desk - though we could use the dining room table (which we almost NEVER eat on) for a while. *makes face* Gah. Why, oh why, isn't crap built to LAST anymore? Hmmmm?? Damn Gateway. Fie on thee, FIE!!!

 

---

 

I'm sure that I haven't kvetched about work in a while - I'm still bored senseless, but I volunteered for a project that should keep me occupied for at least a week or two - building a new Access database for us to keep track of our fixes to the system. One of my coworkers said that it would take about 3 months to finish (snicker) I'm thinking it'll take three weeks - and I'm not even that FAMILIAR with Access. I've used it before - built some really cool shit - but what we need is simple enough that seriously - a good book or two, and I'll be off and running. Speaking of building ish, I'm glad to say that despite for ONE area my doula website is almost done - yet another reason I want my computer back! I need to finish off the brochures and such. And yeah, I can work on my work computer at home (as I've been doing since it went down) but I don't feel right about it - despite the fact that my boss knows about my 'side' job. So yeah - that's all kinds of cool & ish.

Um. 4:23pm. Gah.

 

HoHum, It's Monday again.....

 

So - once again, the weekend is over. Hail the week!

Um, yeah - a little giddy today....but had a lovely weekend - lets run it down, shall we??

Friday: The usual - baked some bread, made a huge pot of spaghetti sauce, used up the last of the old loaf in bread pudding (I want to find a way to make a savory bread pudding instead of the sweet ones), then kicked back with a COUPLE of glasses of wine - up falling asleep in a chair, woke up with cramped hands.
Saturday: Was woken at the unholy hour of 9:30am by the landlord coming back up 'freshen' up the heating system - I want/need him to clean out the fireplace as well. Ran errands - returned some books to the library ON TIME (that's my new thing - I heart the MCPL, but um - the whole point of going is FREE books, yes??) and scored a couple of new books from the library shop - one FoxFire book that talks about old timey stuff (like how to make moonshine) and *thinks* a dieting book. I really want to get my hands on "French Women don't Get Fat...." but I'm dragging my feet on actually buying it. Humph. Hit up the thrift store near U of M - LOVELY book section - and they have shiteloads of clothes too. But, scored TWO breastfeeding books for 0.99 EACH - swwwweeeeeeettt - and I got another book - Ah yeah, 'The Red Tent' - which is something I've heard is verrah good, but never read. I'll have to go back and check out the clothes. I LOVE browsing. That's me - I'm a queen browser. There's something very - satisfying in digging through stuff, looking for treasure. By the time I got home, the replacement part for my laptop was waiting for me (hopefully this one works - if not, I'm going to have to *sob* break down and get a NEW laptop. Dammit! *sigh* Or, I could break down and give up my 'image' of portability and just get a damn monitor. Geh!!)
Sunday: I cleaned out our downstairs closet which was in a state (to say the least!), and found, much to my regret that I most likely won't be able to use it as a germinating room for the  veggies in the late winter time, as there is NO electrical outlet in there for the lights. *rolls eyes* Hubby suggested that there might be an adapter we can hook into the light socket, so there might still be some hope.  I did 'uncover' some seeds that I brought a year or two ago, as well as some 'computer' sized screwdrivers - I'll be better set up to repair the laptop when I go home tonight. The hubby decided that since he's got a nice little chunk of overtime, we should go out and treat ourselves - and besides, we had to see Doom. So, he worked, then we went to the movies, and stopped out afterwards for a drink and a appetizer (part of which has become my lunch for today - yuummmmm...) Doom was REALLY good, by the by - nicely gory and action packed and fabulously unrealistic.

I'm a wee bit bitter over the fact that I left my iPod home today - *weeps* I actually have to listen to my coworkers all day. Not that they are actually - irratating or anything - but I just prefer to NOT listen to them babble all damn day. Sheesh. And it's COLD outside!! What the hell happened? Yes, yes, I know that it's danggone near November (can you believe it!! Already???!!) so I suppose I should put away the fluffy, fluttering summer stuff and go and get some dang winter clothes. *sigh* I'm not READDDDYYY!! Bah. Bah I say!

Okay, lunch is calllllliinnnggg me..... ciao!

if anything goes, it's all gone.

I'm - restless.  I suspect it's hormones (this Billings thing is really fascinating - talk about getting in touch with yourself!!) but it's - odd. I feel - lost?  And it's not even like I know where I'm going - I feel like I'm looking for something without even realizing that I am looking for something, and really no clue of what I'm looking for.
Or - maybe it's more like I've forgotten something that I never could remember. It's - odd, really.  And then I come here and try to talk about it (thus the chattiness) and it's like - I really have nothing TO talk about - but I keep going anyhow, hoping that one of the tangents I go off on will remind me of what it is that I forgot.

Let's see - what's new in my life? Nothing really - I stopped the day before yesterday and finally talked to the gardening guy in my neighborhood. There is a median - and a pretty wide one too, down the street that I live on, and there has been a lovely garden there all year - and I've seen the gardener working there quite a few times, but this was the first time that I actually stopped to talk to him. He was a nice fellow - name of Robert - and offered me some cuttings from his roses next year after I mentioned that I was planning on a garden. It's interesting - anytime I mention garden, I automatically think of vegetables. I don't consider planting/growing flowers gardening - that's landscaping....even though of course, I know that it IS gardening. Anyhow, I didn't turn down his offer - I can plant both, yes? And he reassured me that my garden most likely only needs about 4 hours of direct sunlight a day - which every area of the little dirt patch I plan on planting gets.

I almost feel like I should go back to older entries to see what the hell I talked about then. Work is - work. It pays the bills, which is rather useful considering the fact that I didn't win the Powerball last night. My computer died (I can't remember if I mentioned that) and therefore I am on hold with my website as ALL of my bloody outlines/documents and information was on there - and I could start again from scratch - but hopefully the part that I need should be on it's way here. I need to start designing some beads - as I've sworn that I won't get a toaster oven to finish them in until I actually have some solid designs to use them with. I still haven't cleaned out that damn closet - even though it calls to me on a daily basis. Thank heavens, it's Thursday, which makes tomorrow Friday (yay!) and hubby's payday (not that it really matters with our 'new' budget) and the day before the weekend - which is when I'm more likely to actually do stuff around the house. I consider it a truly advanced level of success that I have managed to keep the kitchen clean almost all week. I might make another loaf of bread tonight too....

Ya'll ain't writing enough. :)

 

Things....

Things that I like about not smoking....
1) I can hear better...
2) I can smell better...
3) I don't think about where I can do and who I can go with that doesn't mind smoking...
4) My clothes, hair, breath, car, and house smell better...
5) I don't get the early morning hackfest.

Things I don't like about not smoking...
1) I miss going outside 5-6 times a day while at work...
2) My appetite is back... 
3) I miss the feeling of smoke roooolllliiinnnnggg off mah tongue.

Clearly, the positives out number the negatives......it's officially been 6 weeks not smoking, and honestly - I don't have much to complain about. It's actually been a MUCH easier path than I expected it to be - and I'm still 'realizing' habits I had formed while smoking that I didn't even realize were rooted in smoking. It's - cool, kinda. It's just the appetite thing that is screwing with me. I realized a few days ago, that half the time, when I got hungry - I would 'interpet' it as a craving for a cig, and light up. Of course, that suppressed my appetite for a second, but then it would come back......and I'd light another one. Humph. It's - interesting - actually WANTING to eat again, and rather frustrating too. I - I don't want to have to eat. *sigh* I honestly wish sometimes (my waxing rapturously over bread notwithstanding) that food was - an option. Like - wine. I mean - I enjoy wine - throughly - and I like drinking it - but, it's an option. I don't HAVE to drink it - I drink it because I want to...and I wish food was like that too. Where it would be MY choice whether to eat or not (and without the nasty health related side effects of starvation) - and if I didn't want to eat, I wouldn't be prodded by my biology to eat SOMETHING. And no, I'm not even tripping any where NEAR bulimia/anorexia - it's just - interesting - realizing that I tend to NOT want to eat.
And how amazingly rich am I - to be able to even make such a statement when most of the world is begging to be able to eat anytime they so damn well please.
Gah.
I wonder if my years of fasting as a younger person has anything to do with it?? *sigh* Exercising or not (and I still lurve mah pooltime) I - I think that I need to change my eating habits. I can't remember if I mentioned it here before, but I figured out why I'm fat - me personally. I don't have to work for my food...I mean yeah, I have a job and all that provides the money to buy food - but I don't have to actually exert ANY energy into the process of actually obtaining/preparing my food. Making bread has reminded me of that fact - I love bread - and one of the things that I'm considering in my change is to work for my food. For example - if I eat bread, it's gotta be bread I've baked. If I want sweets, I've got to make them. Lunches should always be something brought from home. Drinks should be iced tea. In other words - I'm thinking that I should be making everything - or mostly everything that I eat. I'm not going to start churning butter, or making cheese - though I might start making yogurt - but I honestly don't eat enough to really make it worthwhile. I don't know - I know that I need to start doing SOMETHING different. And it goes way beyond a 'diet' - it's - almost a shift in how I view food.

*shakes head* I haven't processed long enough to think about it. *laughs*

That's something I've noticed about me - I have to NOT think about stuff for a while before I can actually think about it - it needs time to percolate in my subconsious before I'm ready to deal with it consiously.

Dang!

Someone - I think it was Kimmie, did this a while ago, and I've been meaning to imitate her erry since. So - the Top Ten Most Played Songs on my iPod.

1) Fellowship - Comfort Woman (Me'Shell Ndegeocello)
2) Barefoot - Evermind (Amethystium)
3) Andromeda & The Milky Way - Comfort Woman (Me'Shell Ndegeocello)
4) Body - Comfort Woman (Me'Shell Ndegeocello)
5) Hot in Herre - Nellyville (Nelly)
6) Still Standing - The Best of David Benoit (David Benoit)
7) Son of a Gun - All For You (Janet Jackson)
8) Love Song #1 - Comfort Woman (Me'Shell Ndegeocello)
9) Come Smoke My Herb - Comfort Woman (Me'Shell Ndegeocello)
10) Love Song #2 - Comfort Woman (Me'Shell Ndegeocello)

Mind you - jsut to make it perfectly clear considering how OBVIOUSLY stacked the favor is for one particular album - I usually have my iPod on random - it stops when I plug it in to charge it, but other than that - random. *shakes head* My iPod likes Me'Shell - I knew it had good taste.

Actually.....

I think that I am just getting more and more frustrated with people in general on a daily basis. I've noticed myself using 'HUMANS!' as an expletive more and more lately.  It honestly feels like there is a huge gaping chasm between my thought process and the thought processes of 95% of the people around me. For example - a few days ago a coworker and I somehow got on the subject of  her sons' (16 or so) schoolwork. She was 'complaining' about how hard his work books were (he goes to a Christian school that uses homeschooling books as take home workborks) because they - horrors of horrors - expected you to READ three paragraphs, UNDERSTAND them, and then answer a fill in the blanks question - and it WASN'T in the form of a sentence that could be found in the preceeding paragraphs - you actually had to understand the concept that the chapter is teaching in order to get the question right. *gasp!* *horror*

And - I just sat there and looked at her, thinking - you mean, you're complaining because the school and  workbook actually wants your son to LEARN something, and NOT just regurgitate a sentence that he just read??? And - how - I mean - how do you even talk about something like that - when - obviously - I mean - she doesn't even see it like that? *shakes head* baffling.

Did I ever mention the Pagan Pride Festival I went to? I can't remember if I did or not - it was - okay. *thinks* It feels so - horridly elitist - to say that they mostly weren't my kind of folks...I mean - oh hell, I don't know. I want to make friends so damn badly, but - I - *sigh* I don't know. I'm becoming more and more grounded and stable and happy with MYSELF as a person - and anytime I feel like I shouldn't be/can't be fully who I am - it makes me uncomfy. And - if someone - even on first meeting - seems to have - difficulties there - gah - I'm not interested. And even more so - if - gah! I feel so snobby but - I'm not! I've got no problem interacting with people, talking to them, no matter what kind of foolishness they may be spouting - it's just that once I walk away, I file it under an interesting human to human interaction, and I move along. It really *laugh* takes a special person for me to really be interested in making them into a friend.

That's one of the reasons I love OD so much. It's allowed me to meet people who - think - like I do. The dirty little thoughts and concepts and grime that make us - interesting and not pap filled consumers.

But really, I was talking about the Pagan Pride Festival because they were giving a 'psychic ability' test. Pretty simple tests - one for clarvoyance and another for telepathy. For clarvoyance, you had to 'see' the card before she turned it over. For telepathy she looked at the card, then tried to 'send' me an image. Clarvoyance, I got 5 out of 25 right. Telepathy, I got 20 out of 25 right. *grins* creepy, right? As much as I would LOVE to have some sort of ESP - I think it's just caused by years and years of being a wallflower. *laugh* When you are leaning on the walls, watching others interact - you - learn powers of observation. Even now, I LOVE watching people interact with each other - the facial expressions, the body language, the shifting eyes, the tapping feet - it's really - amazing how much we communicate without words.

Which, almost makes it more odd that I have made more CLOSE friends online than I ever have in the real world - and for all of the people I've met online and thought that I would be able to get along with - we have clicked AMAZINGLY in real life. It's been a serisouly winning streak - and I don't know why. are we more honest with ourselves and each other online because we can't see the telltales that indicate approval or disapproval of who we are? Or does the eletronic connection allow us a sense of 'distance' and a facade that allows us to totally let down our hair under it?

I'm not going anywhere with this - in fact, I don't even know where I was trying to go. I'm just writing at this point. It's amazing how leaving this place for a month almost guarantees that I'll be writing like a mad woman once I get back.

a.r.g.h.

Ya know....there are things that you can do something about, and there are things that you can't do anything about, and heaven knows that the difference between the two is sometimes so glaringly obvious that I cringe at just how MUCH I want to meddle - knowing quite well that I have a) no damn place to meddle and b) not enough information to meddle.
So instead, I bite my tongue, and come here to vent/kevtch/mutter grimly about the horrid state of care for mothers to be.
My boss is pregnant - well, she will be until around 2:45pm this afternoon. Her due date is the 31st. They are scheduling her for a c-section - for 'low' amniotic fluid (which consider how small she's been through her whole pregnancy, I suspect has been the case all along, and I'd LOVE to know what her numbers are) and because the baby is breech. TWO WEEKS EARLY????? Ummm - and she's a first time mom??? Shesssshhhhhhh people! *thumps head on desk* *bangs head a little harder* *cries in pure frustration* And mind you - she's tired, yeah - but she wasn't anywhere near the 'Oh sweet jesus get this kid OUT of me stage'. 

So see - not a damn thing I can do. Not even a damn thing I can say at this point. I just bite my tongue, and curse the fact that another woman is having a c-section despite the lack of any serious risk to babe. and TWO WEEKS EARLY!!! Holy shit! If she was due - hell, post dates, I might - MIGHT - understand. But two weeks EARLY? *sigh*

Jaysus. Jaysus! Dammit!

It's not my birth, and I know damn well that it's not my birth, but - it's - *sigh* don't know the whole story. Give the doc the benefit of the doubt. *snork*

Breathe.
Curse.
Breathe.

Ah, well. *shrugs*

I'm seriously going to cry if the babe has to go to the NICU for underdeveloped lungs. And her family tends to go post dates? *shakes head*

*sigh*

and another thing that I've noticed that is REALLLLY starting to creep me out - a LOT of YOUNG women taking clomid/going through infertility treatments - or at least on OD. I can understand it if you are 30ish - okay, yeah, infertility treatments - okay. But 21? 23? Damn - isn't that supposed to be like peak babymaking times in a womans life? And is it horrid of me to wonder if these TTC diares of these super young woman are actually real? esp considering when they write about stuff and can't even spell the words right? Or when they are asking noters to tell them when to start taking the hormones instead of their doctor? Eh.

miniature moods

I get into 'little' moods, as I like to call them. I'll be merrily motoring along, not even talking to anyone, doing so work or drifting about online, and suddenly, I'll be moody.  Usually it's a tart, 'I hate the world, and I wanna go home!' mood if I'm at work - actually, I think that I only get into these little moods at work.

This weekend was lovely - cooked, cleaned a bit, didn't touch the garden as I don't want to 'overstir' me compost...played some Deus Ex with C - we love that game - he's forbidden to touch it if I'm not there, as it's almost impossible to catch up to the storyline. The weekend, as usual, went by WAY too damn fast - I mean - it's Monday, again, already?? But then - time just seems to be - whizzing on by. I don't - I don't really feel the progression of it - it's just slipping by faster and faster. I mean - heavens - my birthday is in three months. I've been working here for over six months. Holy crap!! That's not right - is it? Have we really been in Memphis for six months? Well....yeah - it'll actually be seven this weekend. Wow. It's like a blur - I'm really thankful for my daytimer, because otherwise everything would have happened last week.

*blinks* Umm....let's see - where was I?

Oh yes - something interesting I've noticed - haven't put my finger on the root cause yet, but I've noticed that I've been getting into a LOT more disagreements with people lately. Not sure if it's because I'm just wrong more than I usually am, or if it's because I'm becoming a wee bit more stubborn, or what - but it seems like almost every difference of opinion I've had in the past few weeks has left me feeling -  well, rather argumentative. And usually, I just end up giving up and shrugging my shoulders and saying 'screw it - do whatever the hell you want', but simply the fact that it's happening is - odd, to say the least. Maybe I'm becoming more vocal? Humph. No clue, really - I've just noticed it everywhere! Online, at work, at home - gah!

Okay - it's taken me most of the day to write this, and as I have no clue where I was going with this anyhow, I'll shut up now.

P.S. - Locked my diary, logged out, bounced to yahoo, and saw a news story that prompts me to ask:
How the devil do you (and why the hell WOULD you) commit suicide by  cutting your OWN throat?? I mean - really? Wrists, yeah - I can even see ya stabbing your femoral artery - but cutting your throat??? Sheesh....

 

Dense,

chewy, warm, smooth, rich, crunchy, tender, sweet, buttery, finger-linking good - bread. My. God. I really forgot JUST how freaking good homemade bread is - I'm definitely going to have to start 'playing' with sourdough bread. And damn - as I was making bread, I realized just why americans are so fat. We don't have to 'work' for our food. Making a single loaf of bread took about 4 hours from start to finish (not of constant work) and - it was HARD work. Man - my arms were getting tired just kneading.
But damn. *licks fingers, lips, and anything that came in contact with the bread* is it good. And - I can't imagine eating this bread in a SANDWICH. Or - more accurately, I now understand why people could live off of bread and water.  This is a WHOLE nother level of bread, ya'll.

 

Control.....

So, still searching for worthwhile birth control. In other words, nah, not getting the IUD put back in. I have been rummaging about online, looking for a more - flexible, I guess natural family planning method - and I stumbled across the Billings Method. It uses your cervical mucus to track the different points of your cycle. It's rather interesting, as I always noticed differences through the month, and I had already tied some changes to my fertile periods, but it's VERY cool to actually have something that lays it out in detail. I'm digging it - and I especially love the fact that all it requires is tracking. The main reason I always brushed the type of NFP I had heard about off is becuase it requires you to wake up at roughly the same time and take your temps. *snort*  I value my late lazy saturday mornings (okay, okay afternoons!)  way too much for that.
There is even an intereactive online 'learning' session that you can use, where you get to interact with a trainer over the net, and you chart your stuff. Seems pretty sweet and rather simple.

And what's up with opendiary.com?? Did Brucy boy forget to pay the bill?? I snuck in through freeopendiary.com, but dang bruh!!

It's FRIDAY!!!! Yay!!!!! I'm going to bake some bread tonight, and make a starter for sourdough - that should be interesting. And um - there was something else.....the garden doesn't need to be touched....hmm... I'll find something to occupy meself this weekend.

Ah yes!! That's what is was - I'm - puzzled - honestly, by the general tone of the notes that I've gotten around the whole house thing. Is there something that I'm missing? What, exactly, is the downside to saving money before getting the mortgage, thereby reducing the mortgage, thereby reducing the monthly payments, thereby reducing the amount of interest that we'd pay - no matter WHAT the interest rate is? Taking into account of course, that our house's primary purpose will be shelter, and anything else ('investment'/tax break) is simply a nice perk - and we'd buy a house anyway even if those two things were not there. Or, put in another way - why in god's good name would I WANT to get a 0% down mortgage (which tends to come with a higher interest rate, more points, and obviously, a higher monthly payment since it's a bigger loan) rather than actually having a wee bit of patience, and saving money for a downpayment?  I've been turning this over and over in my head, and I can't see a single 'pro' to NOT having a downpayment. *shakes head* Not having a downpayment on a house makes about as much sense to me as those horrid interest-only loans. If you can't actually AFFORD the payments- interest AND principal - it's too much damn house. *shakes head*  Esp. with the bankruptcy laws tightening the noose the way that they are - we want to be living well UNDER our means - it's not only smart, it's safe. 
Can somebody break it down for me?

Edited:

*blinks* Okay. There's no way the monthly payments for a 80K mortgage are going to be the same as the monthly payments for a 110K mortgage...assuming that you have a 30K downpayment. Using a mortgage calculator, I get:
80K @ 5.75 for 15 years = 632.00  per month.
110K @ 5.75 for 15 years = 913.00 per month
That's a 281.00 difference. Assuming that you actually paid the higher amount (913.00) as a monthly payment, you would pay off the loan in 10 years instead of 15.

Using a slightly lower downpayment- assuming the 'usual' 20% is - 22K.
110K @ 5.75 for 15 years = 913.00 per month
88K @ 5.75 for 15 years = 703.00 per month
Which is a 183.00 difference a month - not thousands of dollars difference a month - but it's still a significant savings - and I didn't even take into account the fact that with no downpayment, your monthly payment is actually going to be HIGHER than the base rate of the principal price of the house because of the PMI charges that would be lumped into your mortgage.

Is there an error in my math?

Ah!! Maybe that's what's missing. We aren't talking about saving 5K for a downpayment - Phhft - that's non-significant. We plan on having between 30 and 38K for a downpayment saved - now THAT's going to make a difference....

Also, yeah - once we buy a house, we plan on staying in that house for the rest of our lives - or at least until the mortgage is paid off. The whole 'building equity' thing is - nice and all - but once again - house to us = shelter. The house will NOT be used as an ATM, and if prices go up around us after we buy/rennovate - well, isn't that nice. Still doesn't mean that we would sell, or refi unless you could refi for a lower interest rate. I think I'd rather LIKE living rent/mortgage free - rather how I'm looking forward to finally being free of a car note with great glee. As far as house prices going up by another 100K - it seems like the more expensive the house is, the more you would want to have a big downpayment.

Thanks for talking me through this....

Progression of a Homebuyer...

Ahh yes - there's something I can speak on.

I've always wanted to own a house - a place of MY own, but my deep gut resistance of getting into enourmous quantities of debt always held me back.  Several people told me to look at it as an 'investment' - something you buy to live in, with the assumption that you are going to sell it a few years later and make a crapload more money off of it than you initially spent on it. Hm. Okay - that makes sense, but something in my enternal bullshit-o-meter was still pinging. As I started looking into the housing market, I realized what it was - every bubble has GOT to pop sometime. No constant growth rate is sustainable - at some point, the growth has to stop - and the dying has to start. So - I am deeply uncomfortable with the concept of buying a house for an 'investment'. With that out of the way however, oddly enough, I became MORE enamoured about buying a house - because by discarding the concept that I HAD to buy for an investment - ie, had to buy something that would be easily resellable - I could EMBRACE the concept that I could buy something suited to my own particular peccadillos, and NOT have to worry about flipping it at some point. A long term mortgage became more attractive - when I started looking at it like rent - the simple fee that you have to pay to have a roof over your head, and not as a tax write-off, or a future investment. I could look at houses as if I'm going to live (and hopefully die) in the same house.

Of course, first I had to find a city that I could actually SEE myself living and dying in - and so far, I'm feeling Memphis. Next - comes the price calculation. Based on the money we are bringing home right now, we could most likely close on a 265K house (if we found one that we liked) by - oh, say February. The mortgage would be a stranglehold on us, and if one of us lost our job, we would be screwed in a matter of months. After looking at houses, I realized, that I don't WANT a house that's over 200K - after a certain point, house prices go up because of all the stuff that's in them - the marble foyer and the granite countertops and the burnished oak banister and the in ground pool and - blah, blah, blah. I don't NEED - nor really WANT all of that crap. If I wanted to sell the house to someone else, it MIGHT be a good investment. If I plan on keeping the house - *shrugs* even my chef of a husband doesn't drool over a granite countertop. So - looking around - at the current market in Memphis - I realized that we want a house in the 100K-120K range.  And, after looking at amortization rates, I realized that a 30 yr loan is - insanity.  For a ten year mortgage, with a 5.75% interest rate you end up paying the principal, plus 30% for interest.  For a 15 year mortage, it's principal plus 50%. For the 'classic' 30yr mortgage - ASSUMING (as it seems few people do) that you will actually pay OFF the mortgage - you will end up paying DOUBLE the 'selling' price of the house before you own it.  Say WHAATTTTT????  Um, no? Of course, if you also assume that the housing market is going to continue to go up, up, up - it might not be such a bad tradeoff, right? But if the market stagnates, or heaven forbid, the bubble actually pops - you're screwed in a house that you owe more on than ANYONE in their right mind would buy. Humph.
So - our goal is a 120K house, 15 year mortgage. The more of a downpayment that you have - the less the mortage is. The less the mortage is, the less interest you have to pay on the property - and the faster you can pay it off. I'm actually hoping that we can get a house for around 90K, and considering our requirements, I think it will take just a bit of 'right-timing' to get it......

1. It's GOT to be on at least 1.5 acres of land - the more, the better. Real land, not development hell (like those McMansions in Germantown - sweet JESUS save me!)


2. It needs to have a good roof...


3. a good foundation...


4. good plumbing...


5. and mostly decent wiring.


6. At least 3 bedrooms (I think 4 would be best, though I wouldn't frown over 5)


7. At least 1.5 baths


8. No housing association


9. A basement would be nice - unfinished is fine.


10. And a gas stove, for my beloved husband.


11. Needs to be within 30 minutes of our jobs (we'd take 40 for a REALLY good deal, but nothing further out)


12. Trees. Gotta have trees. Lots and lots of trees.

And that's about it. We plan on putting a LOT of sweat-equity in the house - I really don't care if the carpet is ugly, and the cabinets are from the 70's, and the wallpaper looks like something from hell - *shrugs* elbow grease, and actually having enough liquid money that ISN'T tied up in a mortgage will make it a much - simpler process to create OUR 'perfect' house than trying to buy the 'perfect' house up front.

And since I still plan on quitting my job at SOME point - the mortgage that we have HAS to be small enough for a single income household - and the bigger the downpayment is, the easier that will be. And - if all goes well - by mid 2007, we will have about 40K for a downpayment/closing/inspection/moving and all the other up front money that is needed for a house.

So yeah. That's why we aren't rushing into buying a house.....I don't want to have to regret it.

Well...

Let's see - how many times have I restarted this entry? First, I came in here to talk about money, and my beloved husbands apparent belief that it grows on trees - no wonder we were always tight at the end of the month! Then, I was going to talk about the insanity that is me looking at house listings, knowing QUITE damn well that we won't have enough of a downpayment until mid 2007 at the earliest (barring an enourmous amount of luck with the little white balls at some point between now and then). Then, I realized, that was about money too, and really - I don't have anything else to talk about. I've vented all the spleen I have about work for about the next - three or four months unless someone REALLY pisses me off. The compost is coming along nicely - but when the heck do the leaves start to fall off of the trees? I think I might be becoming addicted to freecycle - and I had a great score at the thrift store last night - I found a 'mini' greenhouse, and some of those little peat pot things that you can germinate seeds in and then just plant the whole dang thing in the ground. I also got one of the catalouges I requested last night - and it was all flowers. I have a bit more of an appreciation for flower gardens now - suxh BEAUTY!! I mean, we ain't talking regular ole flowers here - and that made me want to look at house listings even MORE. ARRRGHHH!!
I - *shakes head* I get so damn obsessed with that which is in the future, and neglect to focus on what is today. I've got SEVERAL 'short-term' projects that I need to be implementing/obsessing about rather than the longer term stuff but, well, my brain goes *PPPHHFFTTTT* Lil heifer.

Hm. Need to find a fabric store. *thinks* *thinks* There is one..........up on Winchester, I think. Hm. Hm. I think that tonight, I will go home, and clean out the pantry closet and see what I can get rid of. And also, jsut maybe, root through the 600 gallon plastic bin that's in the upstairs closet and see what we can get rid of from there. Then assign stuff to go in the attic. *nods* That'll occupy my time.

It's - sad, really. I've realized that I've just got CRAPLOADS of free time - really. I come home, and zombie out for 5-6 hours. And a goal of mine is to make better USE of that time  - to actually DO something. *thinks* Hmmm. Yes. Get up, get out and GET something.

I'm trying to putter away a bit of time - I've got a meeting at 4pm, and - it's only a few minutes away. See - this is a point where previously I would go and smoke a cigarette or two. But instead, I blabber on and talk and talk and talk....

*sniffs* what's that I smell?

Something has just become crystal clear for me - corporations, no matter how 'soft & fuzzy' they might claim to be, really don't give a flying fuck about the vast majority of their employees. Everything started going downhill at the start of the industrial age, once some bright accountants realized that machines could do the work of a man faster, harder, quieter, and with less nasty interference like strikes and safe work enviroment demands, and time off. Since then human labor has been the most costly, as well as the most easily dispensible aspect of a company.
Today, they tried to make me feel valued, involved, connected - like I am really part of the team. Bullshit. I'm a wageslave. The interests of the stakeholders (and I don't care how much stock they've 'given' you - if you are a peon, you AREN'T one of the stakeholders they give a damn about) start demanding more profit, more production, more efficiency, a tighter bottom line, more, more, more - guess who are going to be the first ones led to the chopping block? I can assure you that the CEO's salary/tax breaks/employment 'perks'  won't be touched - oh my, no. They might not actually come right out and FIRE the peons, oh no. They'll 'divest' certain areas of their business (which sounds so much better than laying off 2100 people). They'll turn into a more 'global' company (which sounds so much better than saying 'we're sending the jobs of those people we just laid off to Thailand'). We'll have to 'tighten' our belts, and 'sacrifice' for the benefit of the company. We might get tossed a few scraps, a couple of shares, to make a feel more - connected. But - we'll also have to spend more on our healthcare. Our insurance plans will have more exclusions, and a higher deductible. The raises will get smaller. The free coffee, isn't free anymore. The lunches in the company cafeteria will get more expensive.
Little piddly shit, right? That's only because I'm speaking from an IT perspective, which, I paid for, am still paying for, and really hope that I can keep my job long enough to actually pay off. Those unmentioned employees in those sites that are being 'divested'? Screwed. Those people whose jobs are moving overseas as we become a more global company? Screwed.
Of course, it's completely understandable. It's the real world of capitalism - those who have get over, and continue to collect, and those who have not get worked hard, wrung dry, and screwed over. I'm not saying that the model is flawed - it is what it is. I'm just no longer deluded into believing that I matter to this company in any way, shape, or form, and if I expect anything of them - right up to next months paycheck - I'm deluded, and while that delusion may not show up next month, it'll eventually be shown out as a delusion at some point. Unless I dump them first, I WILL get dumped right on my deluded ass for the sake of some one who is already richer than I'll ever be getting a little richer.

So I finally did it,

after 4 years, and 11 months.
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I cut my hair.  Yup. Got sick of it last night, picked up the scissors and a scrunchy, and had a clip fest in the bathroom. Really, I didn't CUT it - it was more of a trim. My hair - well, some of it at least, was longer than shoulder length, but not all of it was - it was a lil choppy - had some really LONG bits, and some really short bits and - it just looked - eh. So - I trimmed off all of the really LONG bits, left the medium to short bits alone, and now - wow. Can I jsut say - wow? What the hell made me wait for so long???!!!??? It's rather like how freaked out I was before I went blond, and then afterwards, I was like - ahhhh - that actually looks REALLLLY sweet. I'd totally lost my 'fear' of being blond. Now - I've been shed of my fear of cutting my hair. It looks SWEET. Really. It's about midway between chin and shoulder, I've got natural funky little bangs in front, and the whole thing looks more like a - planned arrangement of hair rather than a collection of straggly bits. I also tightened up the roots in front, so the bangs are being difficult and want to keep falling into my eyes - but damn. I'm SERIOUSLY thrilled.

In other hair news - I'm almost fully blond now. It's - a varied blond - honey brown in some places, golden blond in other places, with dark brown roots, and tiny bits of dark brown peeping out from the middle of some of my locks where the bleach didn't get to. It SOUNDS - trashy looking, but it really works well on me. *blinks* I'm so hot. :) And I'm wearing what may be the funkiest top on the face of of the earth - soft and flowing with the sexy sleeve cutouts in black and turqouise and brown bottomed off with the long black skirt - I should have worn my hot girl boots today too, but I still refuse to accept the fact that it's FALL weather, period. I even put on a little makeup this morning - I'm really feeling purdy.

Which is good, considering I have to go to a mandatory class about how my company has screwed over several of it's employees already, and a outline as to how they are going to screw the rest of us over gently, gently. *grunts*

Edit: Pictures??? Ummm yeah see - I would right, but remember the comment an entry or two ago about my POS laptop and how the damn screen don't wanna work no mo?? Well yeah, that, and my work laptop is a ravingbitch about foriegn programs. :) Ya'll know I'd wanna share the hot a'ishah luurrrvvveeeeee wit yall..... *pouts*  but if I can figure how to upload to this thang WITHOUT actually having to download the camera program thingy (hmmm.. I might be able to use the camera as an extral drive) I'll definitely take a pic of me with my new hair and hot shirt and my rockstar shades......

Told you I was feeling chatty....

Okay - is it bad that I don't even WEAR the nicotine patch during the day (unless I forget to take off the one from the night before) because I don't really feel like I need it, but I DO put it on at night, so that I can get the utterly amazing techni-color dreams that the patch provides?? I mean - seriously - the DREAMS alone are worth it. For example - last night/this morning...

I was looking for a job for C, and found one where he would be a chef of a cruise ship. Somehow, I got a model of the cruise ship, that actually opened up via a split down the middle and showed the kitchen, and the living quartes, and all of that great stuff. I'm reading the details on the engines, and suddenly - the ship shifts to full size, and it's been split down the middle, and so it's sinking. As I let go of the ship, it splashes into the water, and flings me up into the air.
I look down, and I'm - hell - 100 ft above the most perfectly blue crystal clear ocean waters ever - and there no ship there anymore and I'm seriously in the MIDDLE of the ocean - nothing but blue sea all around me, and instead of the ship being below me,  there are a group of whales, - one of whom is just finishing a jump out of the water and I realized that the tail of the whale had caught me in the water, and flicked me up into the air. I don't want to land on the whales, so I angle myself as I fall towards another section of water. I'm not the least bit afraid, as I KNOW that when I hit the water, if I just stay relaxed I'll bounce back up to the surface, and I'm falling faster, and faster and just before I hit the surface of the water I take this HUGE gulping breath....

*blinks* And that's it. I don't remember actually hitting the water, or anything else. I don't even think I dreamed anymore - or maybe my alarm clock went off and woke me up. But - the dream itself is PERFECTLY clear - and it's in COLOR. I'm talking - full spectrum gorgeous color! Another thing that I can do in 'patch' dreams is I can read. Normally, it's just not possible to read in dreams - the part of your brain that reads isn't actually the part involved in dreaming (If I remember aright)- but I can read - and I can remember WHAT I've read. *blinks* Very cool dreams they are.

 

I'm really NOT ready....

for it to be fall just yet. Yes, yes, I know that its - October. And yes, yes, I've seen that the almost timely sales of colorful candy has begun  - and heaven help me, I saw a SALE on Christmas trees already. And - even still - I'm - I'm not READY to turn in my cute little open toed sandals, and my flirty short skirts, and the light and summerly billow sleeve tops. I'm not READY to unpack the pants (none of which fit - so why bother unpacking, hmmm??) and the sweaters and the knee high boots and the closed toe shoes. I'm not READY for the trees to start turning colors, and for the early morning nip in the air to last all damn day. I know, I know - after summer comes fall, and after fall comes *shudder* winter - but then! comes spring, and I suppose that's kind of nice, so I might be able to get over the whole end of summer bit, but - I'm not READY.

But, whether I'm ready or not really makes no never mind to the state of the weather, now does it? And really,  I should be thankful that I'm in the south - first frost would have already happened in Indy by now. And I would feel even more foolish still strolling about with bare legs and knee length skirts. *sigh* I suppose I need to reorg my closet - and I really need to face up to the fact that - well, - I ain't got no winter clothes. Tsk, let's be honest with ourself, I can't FIT into my bloody winter clothes. Mind you, I really didn't have that many - I've got some 5 or 6 year old sweaters, and about *thinks* 3? really 2 pairs of decent winter pants - several winter skirts - msot of which I've actually never worn, and the ones that I have worn, well hell, even I'm too old for them now. But, what I'm really shortish on are stockings. I hate pantyhose with a deep and abiding passion, and trouser socks really only work when you have, well, trousers. I'm currently plotting on the cheapest possible way to refresh my supply of clothing. I need pants, really - 3 pairs will last me for most of the winter - 2 pairs black, and one pair brown. I don't THINK I need any shoes, but I'll have to double check. The socks I can get from the Dollar Store. I'll try the thirft store for the pants - but - it's usually a true adventure finding my size....so maybe I'll try VC instead. Hmmm....

Let's see - what else is new? I'm composting - I can't remember if I mentioned that before - it's rather interesting, as I've become a curb bandit. Bags of grass clippings and leaf rakings are not safe from - DumdumDUMMMMMMMM - the leaf bandit. (If anyone in Memphis has bags of leaves they want to get rid of, and don't want to have to pay the city to pick up - I'll come get them!!!!) I've got a 7x12 area in my front yard that is dirt - good dirt too, as I think that landloard dumped some useful stuff there in the spring, and another smaller area - 1.5X4 or so, that is reserved for the strawberries. Yummm. I'm also trying to consistently remind my beloved husband to bring home the HUGE 5 gallon buckets from work so that I can use those as container plants. So far, my listing of veggies to grow is pretty short. Tomatoes, green peppers, habeneros, strawberries, going to try the herbs again, going to try lettuce again as well, (I think both died due to too much sun and too much heat and not enough water - I'm actually CONSIDERING growing them inside in front of our huge window downstairs....but I'll most likely stick them in buckets outside so they can be moved around as needed) garlic, maybe onions, cucumbers, some sort of squash (I like it, hubby doesn't) maybe spinach- oohhh - maybe kale, cabbage!, hmmm.... not sure what else.  Sunflowers!
I was lucky enough to score a REALLY great deal at the Library Book Store Saturday - the Squarefoot gardening book for 1.50 (it usually sells for 18 bucks) and a Rodale book on common garden problems (and how to fix them) organized by both plant and by pest for 2.50 (and I don't even know how much that one costs as it's out of print now - I'll have to check the back cover) but - SCORE.  I've also ordered a boatload of seed catalogues......I don't think that they even START to show up until November at the earliest though.
It's - interesting - really. I've ALWAYS wanted a garden - it's soooo.....satisifying, really. It's so - lovely to DO something that actually provides results. *frowns* I'm not saying it quite rights - results isn't really the word I want to use. *sigh* What I do for a living - I'm not really PRODUCING anything. I'm not creating anything - I'm just a cog, in a huge system, turning and turning and turning - and for what? To make a cheaper ream of paper? Bah! I'm so disconnected from the end results of my work, it's almost like my work doesn't HAVE an end result. *laugh* Theres a sci-fi story about how the government creates jobs in the future - there is one shift of men who tighten all the bolts on a building, and another shift of men who loosen them. Each of them really feels like they are doing something worthwhile - but really, it's busy work of the highest magnitude.  When I'm at work - I'm doing busywork. When I'm in the garden, elbow deep in moist leaf bits, or wiping dirty sweat off of my forehead as I turn over the dirt,  or uncovering FLAGSTONES that some brilliant person thought it would be a bright idea to bury, or carefully replanting bulbs that decided they wanted to start growing AFTER I turned the dirt over (seems like the dirt was so packed down that nothing would grow - but now that I've loosened it up  - watch out mama!!!) in my starwberry patch - that is NOT busywork. It's hard work, and it's not glamourous, and it's certainly not well paid, and really - I'm sure that once you add up my labor cost and the cost of me screwing up, and the cost of the seeds and all the other odds and ends - really, it would be cheaper (at least for the first year or so) to just go to the dang store and buy it - it's so much more FULFILLING to look out my front door and see the actual - results - of my effort. Hm....that's an interesting insight. I PREFER doing work that I can actually SEE the end result of - doing something that truly produces something - a tomato, a website, a joyful birth, a poem. Humph.
I plan on actually starting from the seeds (that's another book I've been keeping an eye out for - Seed to Seed - basically explains how to get seeds from all of your plants) and we are trying to figure out where exactly in our house we are going to set up the germination tables - I think I might use the walk in 'pantry' type closet that is currently the store house for everything plus some stuff& junk - most of which we use infrequenlty enough that they could actually be stored in the attic) so - that'll be part of a project that'll keep me busy through some of the fall - as really, once I get the compost started good, there's not much else that I can do with the dirt until March or so.
So yes, ya'll get to hear about my garden plans until MARCH. Hehehheee.....

I've got a little - side business (other than the doulaing bit) that I've been plotting on/considering for the last year or so. I haven't put it fully into operation because there were afew design elements that I hadn't solved to my satisfaction just yet, and it's interesting, as the answers have been just POPPING into my head lately. Hehehe. So.... the last bit of a stubmling block is - purely creative. I'm trying to figure out a - theme, so to speak. Or really, a series of themes that can be linked together - a series of visual themes. Once again, I've come up with the idea around what I want, and now I'm just waiting for the little spark of - hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm - brilliance/inspiration to strike. And I think it might have just struck, just by writing about it - I'll have to look into that a little more.

Heavens, but I'm in a chatty mood today.

1001 Days

Something interesting I saw on one of my favorites OD's, and figured - hey! Why not? I think it might be hard to come up with 101, but, I'll make a college try.

The Mission:
Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days. Assuming that I start my tasks on October 10, 2005 - I should have all of them complete by July 7, 2008.

The Criteria:
Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on my part).

Why 1001 Days?
Many people have created lists in the past - frequently simple goals such as new year's resolutions. The key to beating procrastination is to set a deadline that is realistic. 1001 Days (about 2.75 years) is a better period of time than a year, because it allows you several seasons to complete the tasks, which is better for organising and timing some tasks such as overseas trips or outdoor activities.

Family

Friends

Financial

Physical

Mental

Spiritual

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Preoccupated

Is that a word? Preoccupated? I know that preoccupied is a word, but is preoccupated the past tense?? Anyhow.

Howdy Ya'll!!!! I've been drifting through diaries occasionally, leaving the very infrequent note - largely because I've been preoccupated - preoccupied. Whatever. Um.

Went to Atlanta, for the book conference - was very odd, as 95% of the attendees were authors, and I felt soooo outside of their little cliques - esp. considering I don't read most of them. I'm not into 'drama' books - I'm allergic to drama, and therefore it isn't very entertaining to me. Umph. Let's see - what else? Met a couple of friends while I was there, got utterly stanking drunk one night (just the MEMORY makes my head hurt) but generally had a shiteload of fun.

Umm....went to a Pagan Pride Festival a weekend or two ago, sprained the dogshit out of my ankle there, still had a buttload of fun.

(Why does all of my fun involve ass somehow?)

So, anyhow - the preoccupation. Nope, not pregnant - just. *sigh* I - don't know how to put it into words that anyone else would understand. Well.... that everyone else would understand I suppose is really how I want to say it. I've - I've always been a little out of step with the world, ya know, and it's always been right. And - I don't trust my deep gut feeling of utterly paranoid worry enough to worry others - but at the same time, I trust it enough that I feel like I would be totally - totally - unlike me to keep it to myself. So....I'll break it down for ya'll the same way I broke it down for my husband.......and give ya'll some links.

Hey, I might be crazy. It might never happen....but so much of what is going on today would make sense, if it WAS going to happen.

 

 

All finite resources follow a bell curve path of availability.  When they are first discovered, only a little is able to be accessed - and as time goes on, it becomes easier and easier to access the resource, so that every year - you are getting more and more of it. But - it's a bell curve, so at a certain point, you'll reach a peak - you're getting as much of it, as you will EVER get. The resource is still there, it's just harder to get, it's more expensive, and there is less of it available.
Oil - is approaching its peak. *smiles* Even the petroleum industry has acknowledged that we have gone through about half of the oil that is expected to be found on earth - and the demand for oil is rising at it's fastest rate ever, helped by our friends in the Indo-Asian part of the world, at the same time that the supply is diminishing.
So what, you might say? Gas prices will go up - I'll just drive less.
I wish it was that simple.  EVERYTHING that you do, EVERYDAY uses oil somehow. Think about the trucks that got it to you, the machines that built it, the packaging it was wrapped in, the car you drove to get it, the utilities at the store that sold it to you - EVERYTHING we do, from food to fucking, involves oil.
It's not that the world is running OUT of oil - nah, we've got a couple of decades before that happens - but the world is running out of CHEAP oil. The world is running out of oil that can be easily refined. The world is running out of oil that can be easily pumped.
And without a net worth around Bill Gates - if you live in the 'standard' American world, you'll be affected. It's not that there won't BE any gas, it'll just be unaffordable - at least if you want to pay your rent and keep the lights on too. It's not that there won't be ANY food (did you know it takes 10 calories of oil to produce ONE calorie of food?) it'll just be outrageously expensive. It's not that utilities will stop working - they'll just charge exorbiant amounts.
So - that's been what's been preoccupying me. I was dirt poor once, and I have no intentions of going there again. So - I've been making plans. We've been making plans - the previous entry about our budget was about as close as I could get to - talking about it. *sigh*  We're actually looking to buy a house - someplace near the city, but with enough dirt under/around it that we can grow/produce a good bit of our own food. We're saving gigamounts of money so that we can buy a house and have it PAID off, as fast as possible. Everything I do - suddenly has a single focus - is it sustainable? Will it help me prepare for my future? Is it really needed? And nah - this single minded focus won't last forever - just until we are 'stable'. Just until we AREN'T living from paycheck to paycheck. Just until we can actually depend mostly on ourselves, and don't HAVE to have a huge amount of money to just LIVE.

Gah. I might be UTTERLY crazy. This might be another Y2K. But - it makes way too much sense - esp. considering what is going on ALL around us - to simply brush off.

Wolf At the Door
LATOC

 

 

 

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In Other, More Cheerful News:

It's officially been a month since I quit smoking. I've smoked *thinks* twice? since then - once in Atlanta (I think that is why I got so damn sick) and I smoked a clove at the Pagan Pride Festival. Both times, Bleh. It was like - and WHY the hell did I used to do this daily, multiple times a day? It's actually been easier than I thought it would be - I do still crave a cig occasionally - but that's all it is. A hmm - I'd love to have a smoke, but *shrugs* oh well.

It's still odd to only have one cat. G has become MUCH more affectionate and talkative, and I think he's finally accepted the fact that Nikki is gone. *sigh* I still the occasionally free kitten offer, and I consider it, but rather like the cig, I decide against it.

My job is duller than a box of rocks, and most of the time is twice as slow, and my coworkers - well, they are different. But, ya know what? I'm making good money, doing what I'm good at - I've got time to write, I've got time to look at houses, and I'm doing well. Life ain't never perfect, right?

C is still enjoying his job - though he is running into some personality conflicts as well. I swear, I WILL break down in tears if he loses yet another job. Seriously.

Haven't come to a conclusion on Birth control - we owe the doctors money somehow (weird ass health insurance) and I reufse to go back until I've paid her. But in the meantime, I want to talk to C about the Billings method, where you keep an eye on your cervical mucus. Seems - interesting, and easy, and doesn't reuqire you to wake up at the same time every day.

I've fallen in love with my DayTimer plamner thingy. My life is in there - seriously . I keep track of all KINDS of stuff - and it's roomy enough that I've got more than enough room to write - but small enough that it cuddles into my pocketbook nicely.

I'm starting to do budget grocery shopping using a pricebook, but I want/need an electronic one that can be held on my palmpilot. I stopped using it a while ago - shortly after the last diet debacle if I remember right, and - I'm trying to charge it now, and hoping that the thing isn't TOTALLY dead. Ah! Just came on - must have needed a certain level of charge.

But, speaking of dead technolgy, my personal damn laptop has died AGAIN.  This time, I think the backlight of the screen has gone out. What I might do is what I threatened to do last time, and just get a damn monitor to hook up to it, and detach the screen alltogether. I don't know. I haven't decided yet.

I think I'll be around a little more, now that I've gotten that off of my chest. Gah, I've got a shitload of catching up to do.

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