Ah, it's almost the end of the year. I usually do a year in recap, around here, but meh. I'm not quite feeling it.

This last year, really, was largely about internal journeys. I think that outwardly, I haven't changed much - if any - but inwardly, my mind is at an entirely different place than it was at the start of the year.

Generally, I'm more peaceful. I'm less stressed. I'm more loving. I'm more honest. I'm more open. I'm more generous. I'm more selfish. I've knocked down some walls and strengthened some boundaries. It's been - transformative. That's the right word.

Going forward into the new year? Ah, I expect that the transformation will ramp up - and I'm really looking forward to seeing how 2nd Realm plays into that. But, that transformation is going on the simmer setting (which is essential, for any good stock) and I'm turning my focus to my health.

I'm going to go sugar and grain free for a while, to see how it makes me feel. I'm going to start exercising (finally - I actually set the timer last night!) because I know it'll make me feel better. I had my last clove today (and I got a nicotine buzz from it too, which I haven't gotten in a WHILE) because I KNOW I'll be healthier.

It's funny, how I've delayed myself. Maybe I needed that time - that year - to prove to myself that yes, things MUST change. I've always KNOWN that I would have to change my diet, my exercise habits, and my weight to get pregnant. I wasn't really fooling anyone but myself, and as the months went by, and my belly stayed - well, we'll have to say unoccupied, as it's already nicely round - the - dread - almost, began to sink in on me. It's not an option, anymore Kiya dear, and in all honesty, it never was.

Health. That's the theme of next year. Emotional, Physical, Mental, Financial, Spiritual - I want to be a glowing ball of HEALTH. The real health, the health that makes your soul sing and your face smile, not the dry, dull, popping four pills for four ills health.

I suspect I'll journal here, a bit more, as I always do at the the start of a year, just to iron things out, and to keep a personal track of what's going on.

Note, do, that I'm not calling this a resolution, of anysort. And, it's mostly accidental that it's close to the new year. I'm on the brink, and I'm ready.

Emotional: Open up more to DH. Make more friends.
Physical: Eat as my body needs. Exercise.
Mental: Reduce TV/Computer time. Read more. (what a shocker that I HAVE to include that!)
Financial: Return to a 0 CC balance. Tithe 15% by June.
Spiritual: Daily Medition. Maintain my altar.

Sounds so simple, written out here, doesn't it? Hah. I'm certain it won't be as simple as it sounds.

Ah, the joys of Friday.

It's been a looonnggg week - between work inploding/exploding and me trying to hold all the pieces together, TTC (why is the TWW so stressful? Is it just the limbo-like uncertainty??), and the weather - it gets cold, then warm, then cold again...... so I'm really happy it's about over.

C got his last paycheck of the year last night, so I'm going to sit down, and try to work out our taxes. I'm almost POSITIVE he didn't change his withdrawing correctly, as it didn't look like they were taking out nearly enough in taxes - but, murph - neither here nor there, as I suspect that I've given the feds enough loot to cover us both. *sigh*

I wanted to check-in on my oracle - so far, this has been (as above noted) an interesting week. There was a meteor shower last night, but it was overcast, so I totally missed it - and it was cold. I don't do wintertime stargazing very well. I won't be testing on the 22nd, as apparently, I didn't really ovulate (go figure). I'm still going to get a lottery ticket - but I need to go back and read what this second week of the month was supposed to be all about.

Dec 13, 07 12:00PM

Crescent: We will receive information, we will research a bit more, perhaps get feedback on stuff that we planted on new. Perhaps get some information that will help down the road on a seed we planted a while ago. We can collect some data now. Even if you think you are not getting information, stop, and re-look at everything. Who called you? Even the silliest things, when they come up during Crescent are note worthy. A parking ticket? An argument with a spouse? A refund check from the phone company? All of it needs to be considered a message from the universe. How can this information help you?

Focus on:

Information from groups of like minded people who may cross cultures.
Information about things that are electric.
Information from cyber space.
Information which is Sympathetic without sentimentality.
A time for cooler heads.

Hrm. Haven't gotten much information, lately. Ah - got pointed to freebirth yesterday, stumbled across a new cool sort of hair tie, and.... that's about it. But then, it's the start of the cresent.

Hrumph. Woowoo.

There is this new forum I'm on - Wise Ways of Women - it's all about spiritual growth and awakening and spirit.... very woowoo.

On that site, there is a link to an article about the New Moon entering Sagittarius.

I was most intrigued with the article, and wanted to keep track - my own oracle for the end of my 30th year.

I read it, and some I was puzzled by, and some I dismissed as window dressing, and some resonated deep and low, and some scared the shit right out of me.

Let me locate myself in the present.

It's a few minutes into the morning of Dec 8th. I'm on CD18, and suspect - if my temps (once I go to bed) are over 97, I'll have confirmed O on the 5th. Assuming that goes through, I should be testing on the 22nd, but I mentioned to a friend earlier that I wanted to wait until the 23rd - since it's the full moon.

I've finally finished reading cbirth - all 43K~ messages, and I feel - energized. I want a UC. I think I want a UP - but not sure. I know that I want to be with woman. I can't call what I want 'midwifery' - it both limits my vision and - and it increases my responsibility. I want to be a resource. I don't want to be responsible. I don't know if these shoulders are wide enough to shoulder that - esp. knowing deep in my heart that I would feel like it's a drawing down of her power to shoulder that load.

I don't know. I want to do - be - something. Something quietly powerful around birth. .... I think I want to start thinking about AAMI again. Perhaps all of those emails Carla has been sending me will finally sink in.

Anyhow. That's where my head is at - and I haven't even touched on my feelings about 2nd Realm, and the LoA interest I have, or the ETF brochure I have in my laptop bag.

Anyhow. Growth. Change. Life.

Here's the article, with my thoughts slid between.

There she blows!!! SAG NEW MOON is HERE!
Sagittarius New Moon

By Tracy Cook

Many years ago I studied lunar phases with Robert Buz Myers. It is my hope that he would be proud of my work today. Blessings to you, Buz!

Sagittarius New Moon

Dec 9, 2007
3:40pm EST
2:40pm CST
1:40pm MST
12:40pm PST


17Sag16
Sabian Symbol: An Easter Sunrise Service

http://www.amazon.com/Sabian-Symbols-Astrology-Symbol-Explained/dp/094335840X


What is a New Moon?

A new moon is when the moon is between the sun and the earth and the illuminated part of the moon is very small. Technically, when you look up in the sky you only see a small, skinny section of moon.

And the not so technical point of view?

Well, similar to farmers and indigenous people, who have used the different phases of the moon for eons, Astrologers also utilize the different phases of the moon. Certainly on the New we know it is time to plant seeds. But the other seven phases are equally important.


Where should my focus be during this next 28-day cycle?
When we draft a chart for the new moon we can get a sense of the energy that will be up for processing for the next 28 days.

Okay what is this cycle?

Measured thinking, measured responses, measured moments will be the best way through this most dramatic and combustible twenty eight days. Can you do it?

Gentleman, start your engines!
Imagine you are at the Indianapolis speedway. You’ve made your way to pit to check out the action when suddenly someone throws a flame proof suit on you, pushes you into drivers’ seat, fastens the straps and yells, “Floor it”. And despite all fears that come over your body, you put your foot on the gas and are driving mach 1, pedal to the metal. Welcome to this Sagittarius cycle. It will be a long or short twenty eight—day depending on how you like the drive.

Now most of you know a little bit about Sagittarius even if you don’t know astrology. You know it because you feel it. Where any other time of the year you are guaranteed a relaxing weekend at least one or two times in a lunar cycle, in Sag there is no rest. Every weekend is crammed with someone who wants to see you. Even if it is a holiday cup of coffee. Or it is cocktail party, or it is a family dinner, or it is work affair, or a charity event. Your life and schedule are not yours’ during this month. And that, baby is all Sag.

Interestingly enough (esp. considering my hermity ways), I'm
going out tomorrow to hang out with Kelly. Next weekend, I'm going to SG's Yule
Party. I THINK the weekend after that is my company Christmas party (I SO need
some shoes). So, I definitely will be out and about more than I usually would be
- and who knows what might pop up as the month meanders along.

I think I need to promise myself at least half a day a weekend
though - at least one chance to sleep in late.

It is just awful, right? But yet you say yes to the requests. And the reason why you say yes is because of the very nature of Sag. It is a generous sign. It is an abundant sign and as much as your brain says, “I cannot possibly drive over to Such&Such” --you do it. Because you somehow feel, “I gotta do it.”

Any other time of the year you would say no. But during Sag you just feel too guilty to let your motives be all about you. And yeah, the world is NOT all about you. It is about beliefs and philosophies and religions and spirituality and education. For heaven sake we all know the universe is expanding! And the one sign who really gets it, is Sag. And that is the energy that we all feel during this time of the year.

Now take that energy, throw gasoline on it and light a match. Because this lunar cycle and its aspects takes Sag to the nth degree.

Bill Gates Meet Britney Spears

Astrologers have been talking about Jupiter’s upcoming conjunction with Pluto for quite some time. And there is really no way to soften the information. But it is huge. We are already starting to feel the two huge planets as they get closer and closer together. Now the thing about them is that they are huge but for different reasons. Jupiter is big by its size. If you want to get an idea how big, look at Jupiter in comparison to Earth.

http://www.windows.ucar.edu/tour/link=/jupiter/J_comparison.html

Daunting isn’t it? Now Pluto is big but not by its size but by its orbit. Take a look.

http://members.aol.com/bobalien99/Plutobnd.htm

Again huge.

These two are going to be on top of each other in Sag, the already bigger than life sign! Pluto has been transiting through Sag for nearly fourteen years and next month it will finally get out of Dodge and get into Capricorn. But before it gets there, it is taking a moment and doing the deed with transiting Jupiter.

Basically Bill Gates will jump Britney Spears or if you prefer Britney will jump Bill Gates. Are we ready for that?

Power meets circus, daring meets focused, control freak meets town drunk, Ebay meets PTL, Wall Street meets Hollywood, I think you get the drift. The times are a changing and this is a seminal astrological aspect for those changes. Expect a lot of activity in the news that is too wild for words. Expect to hear things in your own personal life that leave you going, “huh?”. Expect the media to one hundred percent do something rank. Expect someone to really screw up something big. Or expect someone to do something in the name of Spirit that is just too dreadful for words. And of course above all, Propaganda and Rhetoric are at Tsunami level! This my friends is a big deal time.

On a personal level you will be feeling it when you shop for Christmas. Frivolous gifts won’t feel right. You’ll want to give gifts that truly help. Or are exactly what the other person wants. You don’t want to get it wrong. Of course many will feel down, “is this all there is?” kind of vibe. It is okay to feel that and by the way, the “is” is changing anyway. Then there will be some who will feel righteous and dig in on something and it will totally alienate you from others. Or you will feel so focused and driven that your husband your family your friends will drive off in the distance leaving your focused ass home.

Funnily enough, right before I came to this page, I was checking
out MDC's Holiday Helpers page, and I'm almost certain I know who one of the TN
mamas is - and I want to help her. I've also been coming to terms with the idea
that it's high time for me to get rid of some clothing (maybe that will open up
the room I need to make some more!) and I planned (tomorrow, most likely - after
I did my holiday cards) to go through my clothes and see what I had, and to see
how it matched up with the needs of one of those mamas.

Of course if you want to get through this period a bit wiser then take EVERYTHING in moderation, if you can--or let’s say as best as you can. Or at the very least get quiet and find a way out.

Through this conjunction will come some heroes and some leaders. Someone will shine through. That is a given. But be on notice that between the time of the conjunction on December 11 and the time Pluto goes into Capricorn on January 25---all bets are off.

And even if there is nothing noteworthy that occurs during this period for you personally (which I doubt) you will still realize later down the road that the seeds planted NOW impacted you in ’08 and beyond. This is the new period of your life and of the planet’s. It has begun.

For additional reading and great history on the last time these two got together PLEASE go to MOUNTAIN ASTROLOGER MAGAZINE, (Dec/Jan2008) and read Shelley Ackerman’s article “Great Balls of Fire The Big Bang Jupiter-Pluto Conjunction of 2007”.
Order it here:
http://www.mountainastrologer.com/

It is an excellent read!


Uranus the Jackhammer

Now God in its infinite wisdom was not going to let Jupiter conjunct Pluto which will send us new ways to look at things, new ways to grow, new ways to expand our world---without a little help. Unfortunately that “help” is coming from Uranus, planet of rebels and revolutions, chaos and brilliance.. that Uranus, is going to be coming in adding a little chaos to our lives. The car is towed. The neighbor is locked out and now is joining you for Christmas dinner. The visa card melts in your hand and you end up buying all your Christmas gifts at the 99 cent store. Whatever it is, it will be Uranus doing its thing. And as much as it hurts, pisses you off and just bugs you, every time the weirdness happens, just perhaps you can do yourself a favor and see it as an opportunity. The neighbor is locked out so that you might make a new friend. Or the car gets towed and you end up walking home and run into an old acquaintance. There is a method to the madness but you gotta be smart about it. DO NOT personalize it, do not think “Why is this happening to me?” Instead be calm and remember you are being asked to expand and some stuff has to be dug up and jettison in order to expand.

Visualize a skyscraper up way, way high. Naturally, it didn’t just appear one day, it had to start with one guy and a jackhammer digging up concrete. Well, during this cycle, Uranus has the jackhammer.

This is the bit that scared me. It's - also interesting, as I've
been thinking (for quite a few days, actually) that I need to leave my coat in
the car (since I don't usually wear it) jsut in case something happens that
has me out on foot for - whatever reason.

The angel on your shoulder

So, are you still breathing? Pluto, Jupiter, Uranus, are these the three most ‘effed up wise men you have ever seen? Yeah, sure. But good news, Neptune has put down the booze and is helping us out this month. Despite all crazy making (and it will be Krazy) Neptune is going to keep the electricity flowing to our intuition. Our guts will always be plugged in. We will not be disconnected ever. Sure, we will want to scream, cry, laugh hysterically, shout, do whatever we can to let out the tension but under it all, our guts will be receiving information. Just like a little angel in our Inbox. We will have very wise prompts. We just need to figure out a way to find them for all the spam. Don’t let the noise get in the way of the angel’s touch.

Love what you do, do what you love
Another perk to the cycle is coming from Mars, the warrior in Cancer and Venus the lover, in Scorpio. The two of them are making a beautiful aspect with one another. So despite all the angst and turmoil that we feel as we sail through this month (if sail is the right word for it!) In our little lifeboat is Mars who is protecting his girlfriend Venus. You better believe he is going to make sure we get to land. He will find the way, he is after all a romantic warrior when he has Venus on his side. So, our actions will be inspired by love. Even when we want to run and seek shelter and take care of ourselves, we know we must take action to take care of all that we love. Additionally, Mars and Venus are also making a great aspect with North Node in Pisces so god bless us, we will also include humanity in the things that we love.


Mental Building Blocks

As all the boulders are thrown out of the volcano this cycle and we are all feeling so many things we will be additionally challenged because we will have a hard time getting our thoughts across. Saturn the stern disciplinarian father planet is squaring Mercury which just brings out our most insecure side. Remember when you were a kid and you were starting to write your alphabet for the first time and someone was watching over your shoulder making you nervous. Well that is this aspect. It is like we all have performance jitters about everything that comes out of our mouth. Our insecurities around our thoughts and are ability to communicate will be up high. If it is all possible to table some of the important conversations until the next lunar cycle when we might be feeling more secure, perhaps that will help. But still we can’t always be so confident and cocky about our thoughts, it is good to feel a bit humble and circumspect at times especially as we are figuring out what is next. New thinking can help find new solutions to both old and new problems.

In summary, it is a big time, it is a fiery time, it is a volcanic time, it is huge. But you gotta remember it is how we take the information and use it in our lives that will have the greatest meaning.

I must uphold my ideals, for perhaps the time will come when I shall be able to carry them out. – Anne Frank





DEC 9, 2007
3:40pm EST


New moon: Plant seeds, make calls, activate, start projects. Activate something that will ideally lead you to more. This is the phase where INTENT is critical. Even if the results are not immediate, the intent is there. You may not have all the answers or road map but you should put out your Intent.


Focus on: Begin actions about things about that we believe, things that inspire us, goals, big visions, things that educate us. Our philosophies, things that ask us to ponder the bigger picture. Get out of the way of self and act towards those dreams you want realized.


Dec 13, 07
12:00PM


Crescent: We will receive information, we will research a bit more, perhaps get feedback on stuff that we planted on new. Perhaps get some information that will help down the road on a seed we planted a while ago. We can collect some data now. Even if you think you are not getting information, stop, and re-look at everything. Who called you? Even the silliest things, when they come up during Crescent are note worthy. A parking ticket? An argument with a spouse? A refund check from the phone company? All of it needs to be considered a message from the universe. How can this information help you?


Focus on: Information from groups of like minded people who may cross cultures. Information about things that are electric. Information from cyber space. Information which is Sympathetic without sentimentality. A time for cooler heads.




Dec 17, 07
5:16am
First Quarter


First quarter: We do more actions based on the information that we just received. Or we feel our instincts guide us on something. We pursue again. We make another call or we see someone. We mail something. We stir the pot again. This can be a time when we realize that the goals we planted on New need more action from us, perhaps actions that involve breaking away. Are there people who say they have our best interest in heart but fear us growing away from them? Maybe we need to get help from others not the usual suspects. Some independence may need to be exerted.


Focus on: We act upon Humanity, dreams, visions and mysticism. What is the stuff that really moves us that is not defined by man? Sometimes we need to act on something that might not make sense but it comes from a greater knowing.



December 18
3:11pm
Jupiter moves into Capricorn

http://www.astrologyweekly.com/learn-astrology/jupiter-in-capricorn.php

EEEEE!!! How cool is that? My planet and my sign dancing together!

December 19 ‘07
9:10am
Saturn retrograde until May 2, 2008
8 Virgo 34


Sabian Symbol: A man making a futurist drawing.

Saturn will be turning around in Virgo for the next five months. This is its first retrograde since it moved into Virgo this summer. Typical of these early degree retrogrades we will be feeling our way around in the sign’s energy. Virgo is about order and cleanliness, ditching, purging, recycling, counting the pennies while the dollars count themselves. We will be thinking about organics. We will be thinking about our daily routines. Where is our exercise? What the hell is clogging up our calendars? And is it worth it? These are some of the questions that we’ll ponder during this retrograde. And of course whenever Saturn retrograde those people who are in position of power and who take a ‘father’ like role will be seriously questioned. Get your diet together. Get your foundations together. And how are your responsibilities? And who on god’s green earth is a flake in your life? If they are flakes, then they are flakes and just don’t count on them for anything. It is just the practical approach and if there is anything about Saturn in a retrograde motion it is a time for us to see who can handle commitments and who can’t. Of course the question is..which are you?

Hrrm - working on the diet (already) working on the exercise
(already), so I'm going to try to take this month and really get the both
downpat. And, I'm going to make a focused effort to NOT flake on myself.

Dec 20, 07
2:45pm
Gibbous


Gibbous: We refine our information. We pick and choose, we discriminate, we organize, we tend to be ‘virgo’ like. We sort through details. Have we missed something? How are we sifting through the information? Go back and make sure something hasn’t been neglected. Refine our actions.

Focus on: We are sorting through Earthy things. Practical things. Focus on real estate. We clarify what is stuff worth? What do you value? What do people value in you? Is it time to lay out the cold hard cash to get something figured out? The right investment now will pay off big later.

This puzzled me. I don't like seeing financial things looming
up ahead of me - funny, maybe I could use some help in a
belief of prosperity. I don't like being scared, and that's what I'm feeling
- fear, of some sort of suprise that would - shift - things. Dammit, I LIKE
my stability.

Dec 22,07
1:07am
Sun enters Capricorn
Happy Birthday you old goat.
You want to give your Cap friend the most perfect gift? Ask them. They hate surprises and they need to tell you what really works for them. Don’t waste your time being clever. Ask for a list.

FF's Test Day!

Dec 23, 07
8:16pm
01 Cancer 50
Sabian Symbol: A man suspended over a vast level place.

Full Moon: We make the needed adjustments on the things we planted. Usually emotions are up and running and for those people who perhaps did not utilize the new moon and the rest of the waxing moon, this is when emotions can get the better of us. There can often be a big emotional break, for no other reason than to get back on track. Some partnership will offer up some balance. The moon is bright and full and there is no room for shadows, what is reflecting on you?

Focus on: Balancing out Food and home. Family and children. Play. Things that nourish. Things that comfort. Honoring our emotions such that they will motivate us later. But don’t confuse our emotions with our feelings. Feelings are sensitive for sure but they don’t motivate like our emotions. Watch your tone. What the tone of others. Is it for real or a mask?

Just, yes. Please?

Dec 27, ‘07
6:14am

Disseminating: Share information, find a teacher or someone who has more knowledge. Perhaps there was a big ol’ blow out on the full and one feels in need of support and help, this is the phase to reach out to one who knows more. This is when we find a rabbi or a minister or therapist who gives us more insight. And of course, you too may be ready to teach and share your own information.

Focus on: Sharing our pride. Where is our Ego. Who can lead us to Bravery. Leadership. Glamour. Sharing the information of what motivates us so that it inspires others.

This is what started me thinking on 2nd Realm and doula'ing all
at once. Monitrice, maybe? Hrm.

December 30
Venus enters Sag
Put on your party hat!

http://www.astrologyzine.com/flirting-with-venus-in-sagittarius.shtml




December 31
11:01am
Mars enters Gemini
Continues retrograde

http://love.astrology.com/features/astrology/mars/gemini.html



December 31, ‘07

Third Quarter

Third Quarter moon: Now we do the final adjustments to the seeds we planted on new. The final call, the final letters to send, we follow all the trails that came up that still make sense. And we let the other parts lay fallow. It is a time of action but wise action. It is a time for living “The serenity prayer”

God, grant me the Serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change
Courage to change the
things I can, and the
Wisdom to know the difference.


Focus on: Acting on Loans and debts, sharing resources. Legal maneuvers, taxes and death. Considering how to get more resources from other places that will help your cause. Feeling the need to push again.

Push, push, push - where? I've been okay coasting - why the
push? Oh, and Happy New Year!

January 4 2008
1:06am


Balsamic: We release. We let go. We prune, we discard, we ditch stuff. We house clean. The things that no longer work, we let them out of our life. We release so we can clear our unconscious and dream. We prepare our unconscious to be ready for the next New Moon.

Focus on: Releasing money stuff, debt stuff, fears around loans. Fears around surgery. Fears around power. Fears around people who act like vampires. They can no longer suck you dry, release them.

What, what, whaaaaa??

January 7, 2008
6:48pm
Mercury enters Aquarius

http://www.nickcampion.com/nc/planets/planetsandsigns/mercuryaquarius.html


Capricorn New Moon
January 8, 2008
1:36am
17 Cap 33

And then, it's almost birthday time. The 13th -
maybe the cresent? Or still too early? *sigh*

Links to Think

http://www.shesdreamingindigital.com/holidayhelper/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rhetoric

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/

http://organic.org/

http://www.how-to-meditate.org/

http://www.somcla.org/

So yeah. Thus my copying, thus the simple tag of oracle.

Let me see - and be aware, and ENJOY all that comes my way - carry me downstream to my birthday - I guess if I'm just along for the ride, I'm still coasting, eh?

ETA: I posted this, and then went to look at it (and I'm glad I did, as the font was doing something wonky) and this was the quote on the front page.

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness
for it shows me the stars. ~ Og Mandino

Okkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

Gotcha.

I'm - emotional.

No, maybe irritable is the right word. I want to throw a huge temper tantrum, and I've got utterly no reason to do so. Home is wonderful, we get paid tonight, work is - well, it's a pain in my ass, but that's normal, and I'm still not knocked up.

I think that might be it. That might be the root cause of the general over-emotionalness of -everything. It's vaguely PMSy feeling, actually, with the sense of something being 'off' inside my head, and utterly unaffected by what I'm doing out here.

I'm still reading cbirth, and still vacilliating back and forth. Well, not really, I'm debating prenatal care, now. I haven't met the local midwife (the only one I'm willing to use), and I'm hoping - yet not - that we don't hit if off, and then, it'll leave me a clearer path.

I'm considering going to a family doctor, but how many of them do prenatal care, anymore? That's all the realm of an OB - like I really need one to have me pee in a cup and weigh me and write a slip for an ultrasound. Then, I'm also still considering the OB/GYN that I've gone to before - a really cool, seemingly laid back black lady. I don't know - she had a small practice, and she SEEMED aiight - though I do remember tsking over the fact that she had a 'how to prepare for your c-section' pamphlet, but didn't have any breastfeeding ones.

And then, I'm thinking about the hospitals, in general. This town sucks, seriously, when it comes to hospitals - the one that I've doula'd in, I wouldn't birth in if you paid me to - besides, it's too far away. The one up the street from us, I've never been to - but I think I might check it out.

It's rather goofy of me to be worrying over all this, considering I'm not even partially pregnant yet - but it's the last little 'gnawing' worry that I have. I want to talk to A - but I feel - funny, somehow, emailing her ahead of time.

I've also decided that I'm going to go through this journal, and try to remove as many references to my actual location as possible. My name is out there, but that's okay - it won't help anyone find me.

*sigh* What an ugly and confusing mix of paranoia, fear, melencholy, and hope.

Home, home again.....

Made it home, safely, no dents, no despair.

I wished I wasn't driving so much - I would have liked to journal a bit, and to take more pictures, and etc. But, me driving was ever so much LESS stressful than having DH drive (have I mentioned he's totalled 3 cars in seven years, two of them mine? Yeah. I'm enourmously paranoid about him driving my car) so I sucked it up, and enjoyed the ride.

The time with the family wasn't too bad - they seem to be mellowing out some. I spent most of the day nose deep in a book, though, so that made it better, as it always has, since I was a wee one.

Back at work, and oh dear, what a dreary day this has been. It's a suckerpunch to the stomach to be reminded how much I don't CARE - esp. after spending so much time - active and engaged in LIFE - to be back here, and feeling like it's just all shit on a wall, again. *sigh* It's - work, though, and I've signed up for it, so I'll shove on through it.

BFP's seem to be abounding around me - I'm so happy for them, but I'm having a much harder time with those who are further along, oddly enough. I still sigh over the belly pictures, but there's a bit of a gutcheck now - it's not quite jealousy, more like regret/longing. It's sadmaking, is what it is.
However! My period was a mere 5 days this go around, and I'm feeling - normal? Upbeat? Horny, dare I say? And I'm wondering if this 'formula' I'm on is getting things settled. I'm almost scared to start working out, and throwing another potential wrench into things, but I still am.

Hrm, yes. I'm going - tonight, I suppose, though I might drag my feet (rephrase, I will drag my feet) til the weekend - I need to get some stuff for the gym.
1) Heater
2) Timer
3) Plug Converter/power strip
4) Cleaning Supplies
5) Gym Shoes
And I think that's about it - so that I can start working out, regularily. My thought is to wake up and actually get out of bed when I temp (6:15am), meditate for about 15-20 minutes, then go and work out for an hour - that's why I want the timer, so I can have the heater come on before I go to workout, and it'll be nice and warm. That'll take me to 7:15, which is about when I normally start getting ready for my day. I'll skip Sat/Sun, and those will be my 'treat' days of being able to sleep in.

I realized that I have a very warped self image. It's one of the things that makes keeping myself motivated to keep exercising so hard - I really, rarely see just HOW fat I am. I'm yuge. 260 pounds on a 5'4 frame is obviously huge, but I don't feel it, and I rarely see it - even when I'm standing in front of the mirror. *sigh* But then, there are times when I see it so CLEARLY - the lumps and bumps and bulges and folds and I wonder, briefly, how DH can possibly be attracted to alla THIS. Then, I look at him, and realize how much love smoothes over the minor (and major) imperfections - turning them into something not ugly, but simply He. So, I'm assuming that's the same thing he sees, but I'd certainly be more - certain - if I wasn't QUITE so fucking fat.

And I spent close to a grand on that Treadmill - I'd be damned if I don't use it.

Base Camp, Night One

I figured I'd record our travels to the inlaws over Thanksgiving, since we are actually 'roadtripping'. We decided to take the Great River Road north to Central Il, stopping at the local winieries along the way, and then cut due east across Il and In to the in-laws.

Today, we left the house a little late - didn't actually get on the road til around 10am, and by the time we fueled the cars and ourselves, it was closer to 10:30.

So - we drove, taking 51 most of the way north, cutting through Henning and Dyersburg and Ripley and a bunch of other little towns on our way to Hickman, Ky. We saw a sign for the Miss. River, early on, but once we realized that it was a 30 mile round trip out of our way, AND didn't have a ferry, we stayed on 51 instead.

In Hickman, we took a ferry across the river to Dorena, Mo. From Dorena, we took a closer look at the map, and realized that taking 61 north would keep us on the River Road, vs taking Yahoo's directions and staying on the major roads. So, after taking 102 to 105 t0 60W, we finally ended up on 61 - the first time we saw the vaunted River Road signs, too.

We made it to Cape Gieraduee (horrid spelling for a lovely little French Settler town), and upon realizing that 1) it was the biggest town for a while and 2) we wouldn't make it to Ste Gieneveve in time to visit the winieries, we decided to stay here overnight.

We tried the waterfront, but it reminded us of small, dull towns - the street was rolled up at 4pm, and half the shops looked permanently closed. Luckily, we found the visitors center, and scooped up some information about lodging.

We scored a hotel room, made a Target run for a few supplies, and then went back to the room for a little relaxation before dinner.

The hotel we were in offered a 20% off coupon for a nearby restaraunt, and the menu doesn't look half bad, so that's where we'll be going for dinner.

So far, I've enjoyed myself amazingly. I've never taken back roads on PURPOSE before, and it's an entirely different slice of America we're cutting through. The trees are lovely in their fall colors, and the corn stalks that are left are the most breathtaking shade of sunsilk gold ever.

The occasional 20MPH zones do drive me crazy, but I still prefer them over the times when we intersect with an interstate and the speed limit is suddenly 70MPH - I'm ENJOYING going slowly.

Today was totally not supposed to turn out this way - but I'm enjoying it. There really is no rush, and we have MORE than enough time to do all the things we want to, and even if we run out of time, guess what? We can always come back and do it again - I wanted to see the Indian Mounds, anyhow - and I knew we couldn't do it this trip.

I doubt that we'll spend any night sleeping in the car, even though we came prepared for that - I think it's a bit cold, personally.

I'll add pictures to it later tonight - we left the camera in the car.

Oh, and I think my period started today. Mrumph.

Bitchin...

At least I'm healthy again, but now, I hate people.

I really don't want to be at work (and ooh, look, it's only noon) but that's most likely my eagerness to get home and start my vacation time.

C & I had a huge, stupid, fight last night, mostly because of a straw that broke this camels back, and him being thickheaded - I hate it when people agree with me just to shut me up - no, the conversation ain't over til it's done. *sigh*

Anyhow, now I'm all moody today because I know he's gonna be grumpy for at least two more days (oh, the delights of being married to a man moodier than you are)

And there's the trip 'home' that I have not planned for, thought about, prepped or packed for, and I know that I need to do all of that, as well, otherwise we'll leave Monday sometimes and spend the whole time at GMIL's house - and ugh. At least I've figured out our answer - we just brought a house, we're in no rush to have a baby! I have no issues whatsoever with lying to that bunch.

Hrm, what else? Had a wonderful potluck at work, and made a really good beans and rice recipe - used some Zatar, which gave it a nice full-bodied flavor. It really needs a hunk of ham to simmer with it, but I made it vegetarian so our veggie coworker would be able to eat it.

I've been spacing on taking my pills for the last few days - either walked out the house without them, or never took them at work. *shrug* I don't know - I know I need to be still taking them, but missing a day or two here and there doesn't seem to be too bad. I take them at night pretty faithfully, so it's not even a whole day, it's just a dose that I'm missing.

I SOOOOOOOOO want this day to fly by. Please?

I'm getting sick.

I HATE being sick, and it's such a rare occurance for me, that I don't really know how to deal with it.

I rest, a lot. I drink, a lot. I eat what my belly wants. I stay warm.

The basics, ya know? It's still irksome - and I'm hoping that I haven't caught the flu from someone who got the vax shedding. *glares at coworkers* I was getting a couple of hot flashes today - that might have been from me moving around fast with a sweater on, though.

It's also officially cold now, which is irritating. I desppppise cold weather. Suck, suck, suck.

Did I mention that I get whiny when I'm sick, too? No? Well I do. It's all poor me, and hate that, and this sucks. Hrm, I wonder if that's why I was so. damn. grumpy! yesterday - oncoming sick.

I still haven't planned out our Thanksgiving trip.

So far - I know we will be stopping in for greek food (ooh, a hoagie would be lovely tonight! But all that cheese and bread would stop me up, for sure!) and maybe going to the head shop. I should get my other tattoo too - stop in at the same place where I got my first one. I should swing by Lilly, and see my excoworkers, but I don't know.

We'll most likely be in Marion the 22/23/24, then drive back the 24/25.... not sure how we are going to do the drive up thing.

And Trans-Siberian Orchestra is coming to Memphis! I'm so excited - must get tickets.

And I SO can't believe it's only 3pm - why is this day draggggiinnngg so? I think I'll be leaving around 4pm, for inconsolable sickness. I also need to get some air in my poor, poor mostly flat tire. *sigh*

sweetheart

Testing date on Thanksgiving. Most likely won't test until four or five days after that.

Trying to remain calm, and zen, but I have a really good feeling about this cycle.

08/16 - Full Moon
08/18 - G's anniversary

I need to ask C when his grandmothers birthday is.

And the Chinese calendar says girl.

snarls

Snarl is actually a kinda pretty word - makes me think of my hair, but in a good way.

I'm grumpy today. It's cold, I have to deal with a meeting with the dilliest of my coworkers, I'm still not knocked up, and did I mention that it's cold?

Also, I would like to eat, but today, as like the four or five last days before this, I don't want to eat what I brought along to eat today.

So, yes, I'm generally grumpy. But!

On high notes - it's Wednesday, which means the week is almost over.
It's going to be a short week next week, because we're going on vacation (though, I cannot think too hard on the destination of that vacation, because that would make me MORE grumpy).
Urm, what else is cheerful in my life?

I think I'll go to lunch.

I don't know what I'll eat, but at least I'll be outta here.

*sigh*

cream

I look at my chart and feel contented and delighted.

At first, I thought that I wasn't sure why - but it's an expanse of potential. This is the fun part of TTC'ing - I'm not bleeding, I'm waiting to ovulate. This is the time that makes you want to pull your hair out, but this is also the only time that the chart REALLY makes a difference.

Oooh, food.

More later, maybe.

*tears*

It's not that I'm sad - really, I'm not. At least, I don't think I am. My mom asked me if I was sad last time we talked, because everytime she got off the phone with me, she was left with a lingering feeling of - sad.

I'm not. Or, if I am, it's the sort of sadness that just seeps in and covers everything in the same blanket of sad - so there's nothing that really scream out - SAD!

Melancholy? Maybe. That might be it. It's the sort of sad that you feel after you've moved from a really nice city to another one that's jsut as nice - but just, not the same. It's a transitionary sad - a grieving of that which - is. was. will be.

So. No, I'm not sad. And even when I read about others newborns, or cheer on others hoping for that BFP - I'm still not sad. I'm not jealous, anymore, either. I'm just - there. Maybe it's a bit of a facade - a bit of a wall between whatever is raging in my heart, and what I'm actually able to express. I think of my friend - TTC'ing for seven years - and wonder how she felt - how did she respond to others?

Maybe I'm disappointed. Disappointed in me? No, disappointed in time. My expectations did not match up to the reality, despite all of my efforts otherwise, and - that is a little saddening.

But it still doesn't make me sad. Not yet. I'm not sure when - maybe, one day - years from now, if we still haven't concieved, I'll be sad then. Sad for the sure loss of the life I believed I would have.

But not now. Now is still time for hope, even if it's cloaked in a melancholy dress. Hope is waht lets me read. Hope is what makes me cheer. Hope is what drives me on. Hope, and even deeper than that, certainty. I don't know when, but I still believe it will.

40 is the new 20

Like bloody hell it is.

Driving in to work this morning, a lady called in to give herself a birthday shout out, and the DJ commented that 40 is the new 20.

Even if I look at it from a perspective that with longer average lifespans, 40 isn't the 'end' of your life - but then, I never held to that, either. Hell, I don't consider 80 to be the 'end' of your life if you still have your mind and a good bit of your body and your health.

I'm only 30, and the idea that 40 is the new 20 was insulting as all get out - by the time I'm 40, I would have lived for 20 more year beyond my twenties. I'll be smarter, wiser, more confident, more secure, more Me. I'll have learned, and loved, and lost. I'll have overcome adversity, and I'll have given in to things I cannot change.

In fact, the ONLY thing that could possibly have NOT improved on me between the ages of 20 and 40 is my physical apperance - and nowadays, hell, that's not even a given. In ten years, I MIGHT not be obese anymore - it certainly gives me plenty of time to work towards it.

So, what, exactly makes 40 the new 20? Are 40y/o's now immature, still living with their parents, barely starting out on a carrer, and freshfaced and young? Holy shit, I most bloody well HOPE not.

I mean - really. Maybe that's what really pissed me off the most - the idea that perky boobs and a lack of crows feet are somehow better than all of the experience that extra twenty years provide. That if you could just stay suspended there - in your 20's - that makes you better than someone who has moved on and grown - maybe out, but DEFINITELY up.

But then, maybe that's the problem with this country and this culture, as a whole. We don't want to grow up. We want to stay children, and have someone else take care of us, and manage our retirement, and manage our health. We want someone to tell us what to eat, and when, and where to live, and what to want. Maybe we, as a country, HOPE that 40 is the new 20, because it means you can still be excused for not knowing better, for not caring more, for still having an adolescent attitude towards life.

No thank you. I happen to LIKE being an adult - with all the freedoms (and the pains) that entails. I only have two parents, and I don't need the gov't or society to be my stepparents of adulthood.

40 is the new 20 (0r 30) my ass. Droopy, stretchmarked, and bigger than it was 10/15/20 years ago as it may be.

Myths in Time...

The time before the First Time was the Golden Age. All that existed in that time were the Ogdad - the Eight Gods and Goddesses of everything that is and was not.

Long before even the conception of the idea of existence, the gods stood at the points of the compass and the goddess stood between them - the frog-headed gods and the snake-headed goddesses repeated and frozen, fixed into place by the force of the balance they embodied.

Time went on and never moved, and the Age stood still, mirroring the frozen gods.

The Eight possessed memory and minds which thought, and they grew restless and crafty and begin to think on what would bring variety to the never-ending sea of darkness filled with unseeable things.

Perhaps seeing would bring us amusement roared Amun in a voice that was all and nothing at once.
We cannot force sight, as we hold power over that which cannot be seen, whispered Amaunet.
And the Eight were silent.

Kauket challenged her - We control the dark - without darkness there must be sight.
But without darkness, what power would we have, questioned Kek.
And the Eight were silent.

We have all the time there ever was, pondered Heh.
And as long as we remain balanced, we hold all the time that ever will be, rejoined Hauhet.
And the Eight were silent.

The waters contain the all, Naunet added in a voice of oceans and space.
We could part the waters, and perhaps, perhaps then something new would be revealed, responded Nun.
And the Eight were silent.

All around them, there was a maelstrom of sound, as the waters rushed back from them, leaving them frozen, hanging in a sea of nothingness. The waters drained, and the waters dropped, and finally the waters stopped moving, leaving an empty space between and around the Eight, but nothing changed.

There is still timelessness.
And there is still dark.
And there are still the unseeable things.

The darkness wavered, something not light but not dark either danced along the edges of the water, leaping between the open space and the Eight and the Water, but nothing appeared.

There is still timelessness
And there are still the unseeable things.

Heh moved, spinning in a slow pirouette, turning his face away from the circle and whispered - I can see what was.
Hauhet moved, spinning in a slow pirouette, turning her face away from the circle and exclaimed - I can see what will be!

But the unseeable things are still here.

Hauhet sighed, seeing what was to come. There is now time and I see change. Wait.

Naunet groaned as the waters tried to return to their place. Now that movement has begun, there is little time left.

Kauket focused and the notlight/notdark changed, growing stronger. I see - I see - what is it that I see?

With a crack, the waters broke open and flooded back towards the Eight, and Amun screamed - I see them! Amaunet countered - no, no, I see IT!

And as the waters returned to their place, for the first time since the Age had begun, the Eight moved out of the places they had stood since they came aware of being.

And the all shuddered. And the waters rushed. And time moved. And something grew - grew from the waters that rushed in beneath them and all around them, and between them, and into the places they no longer held.

It leapt from the waters, bearing the Eight upon its height - the Mound that is Khmun.

Nun and Naunet moved away from it, retreating to its edges, and to the touch of the waters they controlled.

It is not water, it is the land. We are powerless over it.

The Eight stared at this new thing - the first new thing since they themselves appeared.

The waters lapped around the mound, and something like a soft wind blew. It was silent again, but only for a moment.

The Mound shuddered, throwing the Eight to their feet, and cracked open, and from within it came something never before seen.

What is it? What can it be? they whispered, eyes wide with the experience of seeing.

Kek and Kauket retreated from glow emanating from the mound.

Is it not dark - it is what pushes the dark away. It is light and it reveals new things and we are powerless over it.

As the light bubbled and rolled out of the Mound, something else arose.

A lotus flower, rising with the light, and blooming as it rested on top of the Mound.

It is change - it grows and blooms and must die, and we are powerless over it.

Heh and Hauhet stepped away from the Mound, stretching out time between them.

The wind blew again, and a bird’s call broke through the silence.

In the light of the Mound, above the lotus, something was seen.

It is the unseeable thing, made visible, and we are powerless over it.

Amun and Amaunet stared, unable to control the bird that swooped and dived above them.

The ibis finally landed, its curved beak arching high over the mound, and with another call, it laid an egg upon the lotus.

The ibis, and the Eight waited, and watched, and time flowed on and on, inwards and outwards, as the waters lapped the base of the mound.

The egg shook, and cracked, and a brilliant beam of light shot out from the cracks. The scraps of shell fell into the waters around the mound, and swam away.

The egg opened, and Re stepped from it, fully made and young, with eyes that glowed with light and hair that flowed like water and garb that was visible only to those who could see the unseen, and a voice that echoed through time.

I am Re.
And I have power over the lands and the waters.
He made the waters into a bridge over the Mound, and sat Nun and Naunet upon it.

I am Re.
And I have power over the light and the dark.
He shaped the dark, and made shade for Kek and Kauket upon the Mound, and sat them beneath it.

I am Re.
And I have power over time and eternity.
He curved time, and pulled Heh and Hauhet onto the Mound, fixing time between them into an ever turning wheel.

I am Re.
And I have power over the seen and unseen.
He summoned the ibis to him, and bound it to Amun and Amaunet to ride upon so that they could see the seen and unseen without sight.

I am Re.
And I will create the world.

Bouncing, bouncing....

...from topic to topic that is.

3429 words on day one if Nano! I always start off strong though, and then peter out to nothingingness and bullshit though, so we shall see. I'm REALLY trying to focus on just blowing through this month, worrying about intrigue and proper names and etc, etc, etc, at a later date.
I'm not going to be posting bits of it - unless I decided that I REALLY like it. I'll post the creation story that I wrote in July, though - I really liked that.

I'm moving up to the 4g now - . My ears are a little hot, and a little surly, but it was a MUCH easier stretch than I thought it would be. I suspect it's because I REALLY let my ears heal - I've been at a 6g for - sheesh, since early summer, or so? My left ear still stretched much easier than my right, as usual - but a little Liquid Gold, and amazingly enough, it slid right in. So odd. I'm using pyrex spirals, and I'm shifting them as my ears whine more so that it's on a smaller bit.

I asked the magic 8-ball at work today whether I would get pregnant this cycle, and it said postively! *lmao* Yeah, we shall see, magic 8. Though, I think that I am FINALLY about to stop bleeding - I woke up this morning, and there was no leakage, so that's a start. I'll be so THRILLED to be having sex again, heaven knows THAT.

I've lost track of whether I'm supposed to henna this week, or next week. Oh! I need to change out my calandars, too. Hah! How appropiate! I have an Egyptian calendar, and this months image is of Horemheb, the Pharoah after Ay who was after Tutankhamun, and Horenheb happens to be the pharoah that is in power when my MC in Nano dies.....but, anyhow, henna. This weekend is a chruch meeting, and I don't think that there is anything going on next weekend....so I might wait. Or I might not. We'll see how I feel on Saturday.

Suprisingly enough, I don't have any plans for this weekend. I need to shove some more dirt around the roots of the bushes we moved - I didn't have the energy to do that last weekend. Ooh, and maybe I should start working on some clothes. I went to the thrift store today, a scooped up a big white board - I think that will make a suitable 'no cut' board for a rotatry blade. I'm cheeeaaapppppp and I REALLY don't wanna pay freaking 40 bucks for a tiny rotatry board.
Kiss mah grits.

Urm, whatelse?

I think that about covers it.

death/life/art

A rather morbid, yet interesting thought struck me, spurned by the discussion of waxing ovaries. I have interesting OLF. *laugh*

Anyhow, I went off, wondering what an ovary really looks like. And I realized, all the pictures would be bloody and - violent - somehow - not looking at the organs themselves as things of rich color and beauty, but instead as either dead or diseased things.

I would love to see Organ Art. Where there are galleries of what our insides look like - artistic and beautiful, a few steps removed from the violence that exposed them and reduced to the beauty that they are.

So, I decided that ovaries were delicate pink almonds - smooth and soft, the color of the inside of your eyelid. Occasionally bumpy - but mostly delicate fragile nubs, suspended by cords of ligament and vein in a dark, warm space.

*sigh* I wish I was a better artist. I have these - visions - in my mind, and I have no idea how to translate them to something - tangible.

Dreams into reality.... isn't that the real job of this life? Turning what we desire/aspire to into what we are....and what greater task than to live up to what we COULD be?

Hrm. Is our destiny in life to be artists? Creators of something beyond the limits of ourselves?

Gah. I'm babbling (see, new bloglove!) but... I'm glad to be getting it out.

*blinks*

Oh my god.

It's almost November.

Like - it will BE November in roughly 29 hours (give or take how long it takes me to post this).

November.

That means......

NaNoWriMo

And holy shit, the site is so busy that it won't come up.

I'm thoughtful and scared and nervous and I actually have a pretty solid core of a story for a book.... and I think it will be fun..... and it would DEFINITELY be at least 50K words - easy.

Wow......

I really think I might do this.

*runsaroundmadlywavingherhandsoverherhead*

I'm really going to do this.

Ooooooh.

Fun.

I think what I will do is, make entries about Nano here, and just save them as drafts.... because I don't want anyone to jack my whole novel. Seriously, I think this one might be really good. Anyhow, I'll post some 'open' entries, and crosspost them to OD.

Heh.

Work is worship.

Dreamt this morning during snoozetime that I was pregnant - well, that I had gotten a positive test. I was sitting in the floor of the living room, meddling with something, and picked up a test that was leaning in a cup (??) and looked at it. It was an odd test, as it had one line on the end that indicated whether it worked, and then at the other end, there were two lines - instead of the usual one. I looked at it, looked at C (who was sitting behind me) and was like - huh. I'm pregnant. I grinned at him, and then went right back to what I was doing.
It was a very non-event. *lol*

But then, at this point, I'm thinking that's what it is - just in general. Well. Hrm. TTC'ing, for me, right now, is a matter of a waiting game. I'm doing what I can, on the outside, to get things moving. I'm not doing ALL that I could, in any way shape or form - but I'm doing some things, and those things are just - part of my life, now. So, yeah.

Then, as I was getting ready to go to work this morning, my fertility stone bracelet fell off the shelf and hit my foot - so I put it on today.

I'm STILL fucking bleeding though, so I don't know what - if any - significance any of that has. Hurmph. I'm also mildly horny (which is a biggie for me) and I plan on pouncing him repeatedly as SOON as I stop bleeding. It seems to be getting a little lighter - I don't know. *sigh* I really don't.

The accupunturist changed my herbs, though - I should look up the one she took me off of, and see what it's side effects are. I'm almost CERTAIN that this period is my bodys reaction to all the stuff I'm doing - both herbally and energetically - and that I just need to ride it out. Still. *sigh*

I'm impatient, more so than anything else. And really, it's jsut a matter of time - that, if nothing else, I believe.

Festival Of Souls 2007

Where to start? Choices, choices, always choices. Wise or foolish, you cannot tell until the choice is made, when the choices dance in the greylands.


Choice - to pay full price, even though I had registered as work trade - it felt good. I need to find the appropiate word for mitzvah that comes from my trad., as that is what it was. It was hard work (oh, my back and my ass were KILLING me - so much more respect I have for what C does day in and day out!), but it was fun, it wasn't cleaning bathrooms, and it wasn't a constant thing..... in other words I had plenty of time to fellowship. Since I'm not THAT active in the community - I should be more active, but I have to say I like my house more than I like SG, it was a good time for me to be visible, and busy. I got quite a few thanks and accolades for the work I did, and it seemed to be a good time to step up, since I was graduating from First Realm.
Community - it lies on the back of those who build, and in the hands of those who live.



Choice - to be persistant, and continue shopping until I laid hands on the stone that I knew was there. There was a stoneswoman there named Dick, and she had a HUGE number of gorgeous and cheap stones - just - stuff that would make your jaw drop. I came across my first - vibratory stone there. I was rummaging amoungst her selections, and this stone sprung out at me - it was a dark rich black color, with little flecks on it that reminded me of the night sky.
Mind you, the night before I had coo'ed over the fact that I could actually see the seven sisters (well, only six of them, but I can NEVER see baby sister for some reason) and so I scooped the stone right up. It started throbbing in my hand. At first, I thought I had too many stones in that hand, and switched out. Still throbbing. Then, I held it in my hand loosely, thinking that it was the tightness of the hand hold that was causing the throbbing. No, no, the rock was DEFINITELY throbbing in my hand. I go to Dick and ask her what the stone is - a garnet. My birth stone. And it clicked - and of course, I go it.

Later on, I'm telling this tale to Joy the Bard, and when she went to her room to change, she returned with a wee gift for me - it was a rose quartz ball (another of my birth stones, according to some) and when she handed it to me, I nearly dropped it in shock - my whole hand/arm tingled, instantly, like a small electric shock had hit it. I dropped it into the traveling altar I had won, and clung to the stone and the bag for the rest of the very long night.

I haven't touched either stone since I got back.... I'm debating in my head (very quietly) my altar setup.

Choice - attending the Mysteries, or staying in the room and kikiki'ng. I was mildly irked with one of my roommates (gah, that's a whole nother post) and I wanted to attend at least one Wyrd Sister workshop.

Firstly, it was possibly the first meditation/guided journey I actually got something out of - firstly, the shock of recognication of the garden, and the stone chair, and the stream. Secondly, the deep anscetress who showed up looked REMARKLY like Lady Kiya (whose picture I didn't stumble across until AFTER FOS) and she told me two things.
1) Be Love
2) Trust You
Yeah, possibly two of the biggest platitudes, EVER, but she was right serious about them. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be the 1st cornithians love, or the hippydippy 70's love & peace man, but it's been running through my head since then. The trust bit she only said after I bugged her about the whole 'Be Love' bit. Hurmph.
I've done the meditation on my own a couple of times, but I never seem to be able to make it either up the steps in the Sacred Tree, or I get distracted by the chambers in the Mound - I want to know what's in them....

Choice - to sit out Guedra. For one, I was colder than - oh wow, I don't think I've been that cold in a while. For two, I was irked - I was filled with a sense of service, and it was a return to reality (on the last night of FOS) that not everyone fills the same - duty - towards others. And ya know, it's not like I'm the most dutiful person either - but, when one has a role, one fulfills that role, dammit. And not half-assedly, either. *sigh* *pulls plank out of my eye*
But it was good - sitting by the fire, listening to people talk, staring at the sky and seeing so MANY shooting stars (I never realized they left trails before) humming along to the chants. In addition, guedra was 'wrapped' up by a complaint from off the field, and I most likely wouldn't have gotten a chance to dance - and it worked, well. I don't know how many more guedras I will participate in..... hrm, I'll have to mull over that later.

It's always so hard to come back from a festival and actually write about it - so much of what happens is magical and of the moment and is built on the moments before and can't be clearly shared after the fact - but I always try, to at least note a little something down, so that I can at least solidify the memory for myself. High points, low points, the smell of cloves and campfire in the morning.

Eureka!!

I found it!! The old sex diary, that is. Or, more accurately, I found a download I made of it (cuz I'mma smart girl!) So - that's been added, along with the rest of my hair journal(s) - and I'm up to about 1600 posts, and a pretty consistent almost ten YEARS of my life. In December of '08 it will officially be ten years that I've been journaling online, and the changes are amazing - and amusing, in a lot of ways.

I've both matured, and gotten a little boring - a little dull. I'm not as willing to randomly romp around outside of my comfort zone, anymore. It's almost like - I've spent all this time FINDING a damn comfort zone, and now you want me to LEAVE it? Oh, damn that. *lol*

Now, though - it's like I've done ALL this work, and I don't know what to do with it. It seems like I used to have so much to say, so many topics to touch on. Okay, and I did a LOT of rambling too.

I wish there was a way - like how I have my quotes? If there was a way to show a random label everytime someone loaded the page. I guess, I could reuse the quote code, and figure out what the links to the labels are, and use that.... hrm. I don't know if it'll be worth it.

I did notice (ah, the wonders of talking about oneself) that each time I moved to a 'new' diary - or heck, even changed my diary name, that I became much more - vocal. Hopefully, that streak will hold up.

It's not that I'm - censoring - myself. Okay, maybe a little. Most of the time, it's that - what's going on (or not) in my head - well, hell, I think it's pretty uninteresting. I don't have drama in my life, I don't have drama amoungst my friends, but I think that I'm shortchanging myself because I'm not taking things out of my head and turning them over and exploring them the way they deserve to be.

I actually need to make a post on FOS, while I'm thinking of it.

And that should take up most of the rest of this workday.

Mondays.

Bleh.

Work...

ay-yah, but I had a LOT of entries. I'm still missing the wedding diary, and the sex diary - I THINK they might be on the iPod, or on the desktop - I'll check the ipod at work tomorrow. Anyhow - I've got most periods from 98-07 covered (9 years!) so, I'm more or less happy.

Now, I just need to figure out how to download from blogger - I've actually got everything in roughly correct chronological order - I'm really not trying to lose all this work!

---

In more up to date news, we worked on the yard yesterday - moved 5 bushes, I think it was altogether? I still neeed to work on the dirt around the bushes - insure that they will have enough dirt to get nutrients from. We did that for most of the daylight hours, and then went camping during the evening - I'm REALLY loving camping out - last night might be the last night we can do it this year (which really, is fair - it IS almost the end of the year) and we are just getting better and better at it each time.

I haven't touched my hair - I put a DC on dry hair in on Friday, and haven't touched it since. Once I finish this post, I'm actually going to get up and braid/wash it - it's almost 10pm, and I haven't had dinner yet (I was trying to wait for C to get home) and I'm getting sleepy.

I wanted to get through the last of my saved off diary, though.

Hrrm, I wonder if I had a wedding folder?

Possibily.

Weekend....

So, by some stroke of serendipity (I've been stumbling over a lot of that, lately) the latest 'old' entry that popped up was talking about transplanting bushes, and OS kindly noted that this time of year is about the best time of year to do it (bushes are dormant, ground isn't frozen) and it's been raining BUCKETS for the last two - no, three - days - making the ground softer than my hair.

So.

Looks like I might be transplanting bushes this weekend. The move-to ditch is mostly done - I did that much earlier in the year, and I just need to rip out the greenery that has overtaken it, and finish expanding it. The bushes themselves will be 'fun' to dig up and move - but I need to do it anyhow, as it's messing with my gardening steelo, so, that'll be okay.

I'm also supposed to get my treadmill this weekend (yippee!!) so I need to clean the junk from outside the house.

I need closed crocs to work outside in - not the ones with the holes in it, as it's wet and cold and wet & cold feet are the anti-funness.

I got this interesting email yesterday, and I'm going to try to start encorporating the suggestion into my daily life.

Did you know that by simply removing one word from your vocabulary, and replacing it with another, you can put yourself in the driver’s seat and gain 100 percent control of your life?
More often than not, the word “CAN’T” is the culprit of your failures. By replacing “CAN’T” with “WON’T,” you open the door to asking yourself the right questions that may help you get out of your own imaginary prison.
Do you say “I can’t take a vacation,” or “I can’t get a better job”?
By changing those statements to, “I won’t take a vacation,” and “I won’t get a better job,” what questions are raised?
Why won’t you? What’s holding you back? What are you not willing to do to make it happen? Plenty of people have done those things, and are doing them right now as you’re reading this, so they’re obviously not real impossibilities!
Start your transformation by paying close attention to when and how you use the word “can’t,” and then repeat the sentence in your mind, replacing “can’t” with “won’t.” Analyze the sentence, and you may be in for an awakening.

I thought that was interesting, and challenging, and relatively simple, overall, so - yeah.

Urmmm. I think that about it.

Stay warm, ya'll.

Nappilicious Issues

I was on LHCF earlier today, and was responding to one of the ladies complaining about her tangles and knots and etc, and how it's considered 'standard' that tangles and knots are something that nappys have to deal with.
Another poster responded with this picture, and in my response, I got a little long winded, and a little ranty, and a little journally, so I figured I would just C&P most of it to here, and post something addressing the OP's concerns there.

Anyhow - this is a picture from a Benin Oba and Queen Mother Commemorative Heads website, and thus starts my response........

Ooh, how lovely! I'm adding that to my inspirational stuff. I can't wait til my hair is long enough for a gibson tuck! I wish that pic had more detail - their hair looks like it's not braided/twisted, but just pulled up into a high bun? I was looking for pictures of african hairstyles a while ago, out of curiousity as to how Africans wore their hair. I'm thinking that I'm going to have to do a search using tribe/region names in order to be able to pull anything up. That picture actually looks like it was scanned from a book - ah! It was - 'Royal Art of Benin - The Perls Collection' Interesting. It's almost time to go home, so I might check out Benin women hair in a googlefuu later on......

I'm natural, figure I always will be, and I have single strand knots and tangles and split ends, and it's like - so what? *lol* None of those matter unless I'm trying to wear my hair straight - because with the curlies I have, you can't see them/tell they are there.....
I don't know - but then, I also don't understand the idea that if you wear your hair up all the time, you aren't 'enjoying' it - as if the only way you can enjoy your hair is if it's loose. I mean, really - as if having it in a bun, or in twists, or in any of the other styles besides 'loose' are somehow less lovely than having your hair 'out'.....

I KNOW I can't wear my hair in a puff or a fro. without HAVING to deal with tangles, knots, broken off curly ends, and all those other issues. That's how my hair rolls, and if I want to grow it long, I have to roll that way with it. So, I wear my hair up 99% of the time - and it's forcing me to be more creative with my hairstyles and my hair routines. Right now, I'm down to using a comb in my head once a week, on soaking wet hair slathered in conditioner. I'm trying to figure out how to stretch that out to twice a month, but I think I'm going to have to wait for my hair to be longer so that my styles will 'stay' better.

I think one of the reasons that little black girls had such thick lovely hair as children (back in the day where the difference between grown and not grown was enforced - not in todays prostitot age) was because it was only 'down' for special occasions. For the day to day wearing of it - it was up, somehow - whether in braids, or in a bun, or whatever. It wasn't combed daily (cuz momma ain't have time) and it wasn't subjected to glue and chemicals (because that was far too grown). Even now, so many women comment on how much the health of their hair changed once they hit puberty - I think it's less the hormones flowing through us, and more the fact that we don't have our mothers hands in our hair anymore.

Horrifying Beauty

Canopus
Originally uploaded by Pierre J.

I saw this on The Daily Irrevalent and showed it to C, and we talked about how horrifying gorgeous it was.

I wanted to learn more about it, so I clicked through - and through, and through - and ended up at flickr.

From there, I realized that not only could I add the picture to my favorites, I could also blog about it directly from flickr.

And there are those who doubt that science and magic can co-exisist.

Hrrm.

I suppose I should actually talk a bit while I'm here, before I get sucked back into c-birth or C2PP.

Going to FOS this weekend - I'm still debating checking in Thursday night and staying Thursday, and then coming to work on Friday morning, going to accupunture appt @ 12, and then heading up to the park again - that really would be lovely, I think.

I'm debating if I want to sleep away from C for that long, though. *sigh* I don't know. It seems like the right thing to do, as I'm partially comped in for voluteering for kitchen duty - it seems only right that I'm there full time.

Ohh, I must find the cords from our wedding.......

I need to pack - most of tomorrow eve I think I will spend offline - I have to pack, and gather, and clean a little, and - etc, etc, etc....

And dammit, why do I start bleeding harder as soon as I get home? *sigh*

Well, off to bed soon, I think.

Yummy sounding TF Waffles

Make this the evening before:
2 cups of whole wheat flour (I usually mix 1 cup of whole wheat, 1/2 cup of oats, 1/4 cup of barley, 1/4 of buckwheat, anything goes really, spelt is good too)
2 cups of kefir (I make my own from raw milk, but commercial whole milk yoghurt will do fine too; you can also use regular whole milk, but add 2 T. lemon juice to it, the idea is that the grains are in an acid environment for some hours, it makes a thinner batter though)
Let this sit on the counter overnight.
The next morning, add 2 beaten eggs, 2 T. melted butter or coconut oil, 1/2 tsp. salt, 1 tsp baking soda, and whatever else you like in waffles, like blueberries and/or chocolate chips :-)
The soaking overnight predigests the grains and makes this not as heavy as one would think, on the contrary. And it is very nutritious. Because of the dairy and fat, you don't get a carb overload, but a more balanced meal

Friday

My definitely, no shadow of a doubt, most favoritist day of the week. An expanse of free time (at home, none the less) stretches out in front of me..... and almost everytime, I make a huge list of stuff that I would like to get done, and usually doesn't.

Doesn't mean I'll stop making the lists, though.

I want to....

...refile/file the papers that are starting to take over the computer room (but that would involve cleaning out the closet that the litterbox/catfood bowl is in, and I'm not ready for that. For fucks sake, there is still catfood in his bowl)

...clean the bathroom (that might actually get done - I want to try out some of the biosafe cleaners I got - the laundry detergent rocks, thus far)

...take down the tent (it should be dry by now) and deflate the air matteress (likewise, should be dry)

...clean all the random junky shit from in front of the house/garage to the junk pile.

Otherwise, there will be sleeping - reading (I plan on finally getting into Nourishing Traditions!) and general layaboutedness. Actually, I think C is working all weekend, so I MIGHT actually get a little more stuff done than I do when he's home.

I want to find a cheaper substitute for the 'no-cut' cutting boards that I can use. I cringe at the thought of spending 40 odd bucks on a TINY cutting board - that just seems insane to me. I suppose I could use the cardboard one - but I think that repeatedly cutting through paper like that will dull the blade of the rotary cutter. I was thinking of a HUGE white board from the thrift store might work (I could even make lines on it) but I don't know. Those rotary cutters are SHARP - but I really think that'll be the only way I'll be able to cut fabric STRAIGHT. *sigh*

Only an hour left. If I had a book in my car, it would be less than that - I could escape and chill between now and the accupunturists appt.

Hrm, maybe I'll play some Cake Mania instead.

a few minutes later....

I love the interwebs.

Getting Pregnant in the Summer Lowers Your Child's IQ

A recent study at the Indiana University School of Medicine has found that children conceived during the months of June, July, or August had lower math and language scores than their peers conceived during the rest of the year.

Why?
Researchers suspect that the smoking gun is the more than one billion pounds of pesticides used annually in the U.S. Most pesticides are used during the summer months.

"The fetal brain begins developing soon after conception. The pesticides we use to control pests in fields and our homes and the nitrates we use to fertilize crops and even our lawns are at their highest level in the summer," Dr. Paul Winchester, director of the study, said recently.

According to the American Pregnancy Association, even household gardening pesticides are well-known to put pregnant women at high risk for many birth defects, including oral clefts, neural tube defects, heart defects, and limb defects.

Domestic pesticides are the fastest growing segment of pesticide use. However, there is a connection between all pesticide exposure and birth defects.

"We actually found that every single birth defect category had a greater risk between April and July," Winchester said. "It suggests that with seasonal factors, something is conferring increased risk."

Winchester also noted that the study concluded that statistics for premature birth, the number two cause of infant mortality in the United States, can also be connected to the months when pesticide use is highest.

The evidence in this latest study shows that the trend in pesticide exposure, especially pesticides found in drinking water, is related to trends in test scores many years down the road.

"We have now linked higher pesticide and nitrate exposure in surface water with lower cognitive scores," Winchester said. "Neurodevelopmental consequences of exposure to pesticides and nitrates may not be obvious for many decades."
He added, "What I would like to see is large constituencies asking legislators and health officials to ask the questions in a better way. Drinking water in 16 states in the U.S. is contaminated with pesticides during June, yet many water providers don't even send samples in June."

For women who are pregnant during the summer months, the American Pregnancy Association offers this advice for handling pesticides around the house:

•Have someone else, preferably a professional, apply the pesticides
•Leave the area for the amount of time indicated on the pesticide package
•Remove food, dishes, and utensils from the area before the pesticide is used
•Wash the area where food is normally prepared following any application of pesticides in the home
•Open the windows and allow the house to ventilate after the treatment is completed
•Wear protective clothing when gardening to prevent contact with plants that have pesticide on them.

Winchester will now turn his attention to children with learning disabilities and their conception date to see if there is another correlation.

Internal Damages

I've always been - well, no. Not always. Lately, I've been wondering if my abortion (8 years ago! holy cow!) maybe - damaged my uterus somehow. I've heard of the cringing and problems that D&C could cause, and - well, the thought was always there.

Then, today, and I don't know why (maybe my period starting? or maybe something I read on cbirth) I started thinking about the actual procedure - and it struck me that they used some sort of vacuum type thing - definitely no blades. I looked it up, and apparently I had a EVA (Electronic Vacuum Aspiration) done - which has a much lower rate of uterine damage than a D&C does.

So, that's an oddly huge relief. What impacts the abortion may have had on my heartfeather, I don't know - I felt enourmously at peace with it then, and I still feel at peace with it. If I end up being infertile, I doubt that I'll feel much peace with aborting the only child of my blood I would have ever had - but once again, I hope that I never have to cross that bridge.

Of course, the IUD could have done something odd too.

*sigh* It's insane, and it sucks, that almost all of the procedures/hormones/methods of NOT getting pregnant so often affect your long term ability to get pregnant when you are actually ready.

I've decided, since we are going to buy another Fertell test anyhow, I'll take the FSH test Saturday morning (CD3 according to FF - I'm totally dismissing the barely there spotting Tue/Wed), and it I fail (which oddly enough, I'm pretty sure I will - just like C did) we'll both retake them in 3 months, once we've finished our bottles of FertilityBlend.

I'm a little - relieved - and a little ashamed at the same time - that we are 'officially' in a NT/NA period right now. It gives us a little time to relax, and to reconnect. It gives me a little time to lose some bloody WEIGHT. In addition - it'll shift the end of the pregnancy more towards the cool months - as I'm really not looking forward to being 9 months pregnant in an air conditioned house in the South.

I wish I could find that article that mentioned that babes concieved during certain months have a lower IQ, overall, and how they believed that was a side effect of the higher levels of pesticides/pollution in the air in the summer months.

Hrm, I'll see if I can dig it up.

Oh, Stop it!!

I don't know what I'm bumping to cause those OLD entries to show up as my latest, but I swear, really, they aren't - I'm just strolling down memory lane.

In 2007 news - holy fuck, it's OCTOBER???!?!?!!?? I mean, okay, obviously that happened about 11 days ago, but DUDE! This year feels like a blur - WHooooosssshhh! Which ya know, is one of the reasons I'm strolling down memory lane - it's amazing how much has happened (and hasn't happened) over the few years I have in OD. Okay - I've BEEN here for seven years, but I've winnowed down my diary a couple of times between now and then.

I'm totally not ready for it to be cold yet - I don't have many inbetweeny clothes (because I'm HUGE! Oh my god, I'm soooo fat), and it's still too warm for winter clothes.

I'm in love with skirts (floorlength ones) but none of my winter skirts are long enough. Can you make nice skirts out of pillproof fleece? I'm thinking they might look like wool.

I don't have any shoes - I've (finally) released my addiction to heels (I think it's been the long skirt thing - I don't care so much about how my legs look *laugh*) and I've been wearing thongs/crocs all summer (when I'm not barefoot altogether) and - my toes are getting cold! I think I'm going to do ballet slipper type things....

Gahhhhh! I need to go clothes shopping (or sew) and I so don't feel like doing EITHER.

As I've been meandering down memory lane, I've stumbled across the two (or three - maybe four??) different weight loss/health efforts I've made, and ya know what? I suck. *lol* I mean - seriously, I'm literally the EXACT SAME WEIGHT I was 5 years ago. Which, I suppose could be a good thing, if that weight wasn't so damn overweight that it's insane, AND if I hadn't lost close to 90 pounds inbetween there.

*sigh*

I finally broke down and ordered the full price treadmill - It's hate to walk around the yard as I have to coat myself with OFF. It stinks.

Speaking of stinky - I've stopped using deodorant! *l* I use this bar from Lush (www.lush.com - beware, you will fall in LOVE) and it's WONDERFUL. I smell - good. Human, rather than some chemicalized version of a spring rain coated with baby powder.

Urm. What else?

I have about another 200 books I need to add to my LibraryThing - I love bookclosests.com and the thriftstore - oh, love! And I refuse to shelve them, so they are scattered alllll over the place - *headshake*

I should most likely do that this weekend.

So, how are ya'll?

Poem for the Dark Moon

REST OF LONGING

Trust those places
With no way out,
The dark corridors
Of your longing.

In fact, entrust them
More than you give
To daylight, which disappears
With fall of night.

Only hidden light
Who waits for you
In darkness
Can reveal the invisible
Passage from darkness
That leaves nothing
Behind.

Jack Weber

Differences....

It's funny - after I posted that last entry, I realized just how superficial I've become when it comes to journaling - I mean, really? Camping? *laugh* Okay, not to say that the time I spend with C isn't infinitely valuable and worth writing about, but really - there is more going on in my head than just grocery lists of what I'm doing from day to day. That's a calendar, not a journal.

Anyhow, I suppose I'll get into something interesting, eventually. I still need to finish transferring all my other words here, too. Ah, that might be a nice way to muddle through the rest of the day.

---

Still not pregnant - about to start my period in fact. I had a tiny little vein show up on the TP yesterday afternoon, and when I checked CP today, there were little gobs of blood there. They remind me of the little 'sections' in citrus - I don't know what they are called - the tiny nobules that actually form the fruit? Like that.

I'll be able to take the Fertell test, too - if I start good and 'light' today, I'll mark today as CD1, and Thursday would be CD3 - the new moon, how appropiate. Maybe that's a good omen, that the moon will be waxing then.

It's officially past the six month point, now, and it's almost to six cycles. It's interesting how my attitude about TTC'ing has changed. I still think that a LOT of women go a little crazy - but I can see how easy it is. I mean - my mind slams shut the door that even murmurs that we might never have children - it's just - not in my mental view right now. We have a good way to go before that door should even be approached - it's the dark at the end of the tunnel, for me.

---

Ugh. Coworkers are getting flu shots enmasse - *headshake* I don't even bother commenting - pumping themselves full of all that crap before the season even STARTS and they know what strain is going to be a problem is SO freaking pointless. I think vaccines are the modern day equivalent of raindances to the Gods of Health - when they work, it's all 'Seeee!!' and when they don't (or when they kill) it's all convientently something/someone/God's fault. (The other god, not the medigods). Whatever, man, seriously. *makes a note to get some Echinea tea* What? I can still dance my own dance in my own way, I'm just saying, taking posion shots straight to the bloodstream just ain't MY way.

---

So, I've finally given up on getting the cheaper/clearanced treadmill - and Sears finally took it off of its site, so I'm satisifed in my determination to wait. I just ordered another one - but it won't be delivered until the 27th, because it won't be available to deliver this weekend, and next weeked is FOS and I don't know if C will be home, so it'll be the weekend AFTER that. Hopefully, that'll give me enough time to clean all the JUNK from in front of the garage (I swear, if people were judged by the outside of their house, we are SUCH slobs. Okay, fine, the inside too, but I'm just SAYING!) and pull it to the junk pile in the back of the house. It'll still be there, but it'll look nicer.
I might try to go to Sears and get a TV for in there too - I need to start doing my Qi Jong every morning - oh, and we're going to need a small heater, too. I think that'll just about wrap up the stuff we need for the gym.

---

I still need to gather my thoughts together on the life change that's opened up in front of me - I'm not sure how to explain it to myself, much less make others understand what I'm thinking.

Hrm. More later, I'm sure.

Weekends....

Last weekend and this weekend, C has had off, and it's been fabulous - we've spent so MUCH lesiurely time together - reading, talking, playing games - time when we aren't either just waking up or wiped from a full day of work.
I've really missed having this sort of time with him.

We are going to camp out in the backyard tonight - hot dogs, cheese & crackers, and smores - plus sake. *laugh* we have to be ourselves, camping or not. There's also boing to be music, and reading.....all in the comforts of our backyard.

He mowed part of the grass, and I made the store run - forgot to get extra ice, but we aren't traveling that far.

We are supposed to be installing ceiling fans this weekend too - hopefully we'll get at least one done tomorrow.

I need to get up and henna my hair at some point, before I go out there - for once, I won't have to worry about staining the bed....

Shit and Shinola, goodness gracious me.....

I've been dragging my feet for almost a year, getting to here.

I've got two livejournals, an opendiary, a yahoo 360, a hair journal, and I'm sure at least one or two other blogs/journals/online writing spaces that I'm spacing out on.

Why? Because - for some idiotic reason (okay, not so idiotic - I'm scurred) I decided to 'isolate' parts of myself from other parts. I almost want to blame it on a lack of tags at my main journal spot (OD), but really, that's not totally true.

A lot of places, I feel like - well, I shouldn't write about THIS here, because they aren't interested in that, or if I write about THAT there, it might totally change peoples view of me.

And ya know what? I was right. People weren't interested, and it would have warped peoples view of me, but ya also know what? That should have been done - because I'm writing - or at least I was writing - for ME. Not for those who read me, not for those who friended me, not for those who note me.

To limit myself because they MIGHT not understand - well fuck, I'm shortchanging both them AND me.

But - could never quite put my finger on HOW to break out of the boxes I had created for myself - how to start anew in an old place, without driving MYSELF crazy.

I signed up to Vox yesterday, just so that I could leave a friend a comment, and it hit me - go someplace NEW. Go someplace customizable. Go someplace where I might not HAVE any readers, and work from there.

So.

Here I am.

I think - I want to bring together all of my old posts that are scattered all over EVERYWHERE, and put them here. I think BS lets you backdate things.

So.

Hi, ya'll.

39 Things you'd LOVE to say outloud at work...

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in  public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're  saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point  of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

 

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*wave*

Hi. Don't have much to say, but that amused me DEEPLY. The bolded ones are my particular truths.

*hugs all around*

I am reading, but I think I'm PMS'ing, so no notes. :lol I know how to keep my fingers still, at least.