If....

Stolen from Tigressa….

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"If it weren't so risky, I'd...." let myself fall in love again
"If it didn't scare me, I...." would be totally truthful with myself
"If it weren't so stupid, I'd...." dye my hair and eyebrows blond
"If it weren't so threatening, I'd admit...." I am way too big.
"If I let myself know it, I feel...." depressed.
"If I let myself feel it, I should...." dance.
"If I let myself entertain the thought, I should...." go home and soak in the Jacuzzi.
"I'm not ready yet, but eventually I need to...." let go.

It reminded me of a exercise I had to do one time where you just had to write twenty things you didn’t like about yourself, twenty things you did like and so forth…I need to find the exercise and do it again.

Stay Jazzed.

Silent Weekend

Well….good news. I don’t have strep throat (YAYY!!!) but I have been popping Advil like they are candy to ease the pain in my throat and ears. Hopefully the new drug they gave me for the ‘fluid’ (goop) in my ears will really help and I won’t have to wake up and take Advil’s. But anyway, I’m feeling a little better.. thanks for the soup Zoe~!!

My weekend was good. Quiet, involved me lying in bed or on the couch, watching TV or reading. *sighs* Simply lovely. And since Chef came over and babied me, I had no complaints. This has been the first weekend in a while that I left the laptop at work, mainly because I knew quite well that I was not going to touch it all.
I actually don’t have much to talk about…though I did get some new music this weekend. Common, Angie Stone, some bass music, and two CD’s of disco music mixes. *smiles* We were jamming to the disco music for sure. It’s amazing how much disco music I know/remember even though I didn’t really hear it that much then.

Ugh. I am really forcing it right now….so I will just go.

Stay Jazzed.

Quick note on being slow

I went to lunch yesterday with another sister who works here, who I met through one of the natural hair groups I get in my email. We had a nice leisurely lunch, and in talking to her I realized what was so different about this relationship with Chef from all my other relationships. I have not fallen head over heels for him right away. In my other relationships, there has always been a total LEAP into the relationship, almost instantly. This time, I am taking a very slow glide into the relationship. I know that part of this is because I have been burnt a couple of times in the recent past, and I couldn’t JUMP if I wanted to…but at the same time I like it. This whole moving slowly thing is pretty darn cool.

I’m still sick.

Oh yeah. I have been having these just WEIRD ass dreams. Like today/this morning I had this dream that I had an extra tooth that was growing right in front of my other teeth, and one day I just popped it out. But then this tooth shifted me into another dream, where it was all that was left at some crime scene was a slightly burnt tooth. How it got burnt, I don’t know.
A bit later, I slipped into this dream about me and two women my age and a much older lady going on a trip somewhere together. Somehow, our plane ended up being late, so I left and went home to pick up some other stuff that in the rush to leave, I had left behind…little things like soap and clothes and toothpaste. I also took a shower, cuz I was sweaty stinky. Then, I went out and was trying to drive, but I kept getting the gear of the car stuck in neutral. So I went back in the house and finished packing, then my traveling companions showed up and cussed me out because I had left them without saying anything. I woke upa little bit after that. Odd.


Stay Jazzed.

the Infectress

I’m sick. Impossibly ugly enough, I’m sick. And it isn’t even the snotty, sneezing, talking funny kind of sick. I have a very sore throat. Half of my neck feels swollen, and my neck is hot. Yech yech yech. I need to go to the health services people and see if they can give me something. I HATE being sick. It’s yeechy, and I feel just generally crappy. I am however, quite thrilled that I got sick on a Friday. That means that I can chill in the house alllllll weekend, send Chef out for Orange juice and warm teas, and basically sleep and pamper myself. It’s just getting through today that is going to drive me battty. I have never been sick like this before either. I mean HALF a sore throat? That is freaking me out more than anything else. That and I feel like somebody punched me hard in the chest. Yeech. Yes, I AM a whiny baby when it comes to being sick. I’m about three steps from being a hypochondriac, which is one of the lovely side effects to being raised by a nurse. So.. I’m wondering if I have strep throat, or mono, or even (how lovely) tonsilitis. Yeah, I still have mine. Wouldn’t that be ugly.
Anyhow, I have noticed that there seems to be a lot of sick folx in the OD, and I have to wonder if we are passing around a virus. *giggles* Okay..bad joke.
Ugh. I don’t even want to TALK.

Stay Jazz *ACHCHOOO!* ed

P.S. I just went to health services and got some drugs. I feel almost human again

Of Cats and Men

I want a pet, pets actually. When I get back from Philly in 01, I am going to get two kittens, and launch my career as a cat person. I have been musing on names lately…and I want to be really mushy and give them a ‘paired’ name. It is going to be in another language, possibly Japanese or Egyptian. I was considering Swahilli, but most of those names sound too much like a human, and cats should have cat-ly names, not human ones. I doubt that I get a pair of breed cats, for a couple of reasons.

1) they cost too damn much
2) When you have breeds, you are expected to well…breed them. Nope. Not happening.
3) Mutts are so much more interesting, and to me, unless you get a Siamese (which are WAYYY to loud for me) mutts tend to be prettier.

So anyway, these new plans give me something else to waste time on at work. Kitties kitties kitties hm hm hm!!
Oh. I want to keep a list of possible names here, because with my dull & dim memory I would never keep track of em. And maybe you guys & gals can help me. So far, this is what I have:
Sol & Luna (sun and moon for those of you who don’t know)
Zeta & Sigma (tho that would only work if I got a boy & a girl cat rather than two girls)
Um & Ah (yeah…that was just a toss in)
Miss See & Miss Say (*LOL* Those are my nicknames for two ‘friends’ of mine )

Okay… in other news: Men are ugghy. That is the only word I can find that fits how I feel. *sighs* If I knew what I wanted before I didn’t get it, maybe I wouldn’t be so damn antsy all the time. Anyhow, it is interesting getting used to this whole ‘grown-up persons’ relationship stuff. It’s different from my relationships in college, and I m so aware of that fact that it makes it even more different, and I am looking back on my relationships to see what the hell the difference is. This is my first real relationship with a man while I am in my own home, but other than that, that is about it. *snort* All I have to say is work be dammned, he had better call me.


Stay Jazzed

Cute Test... I got a 46

1.When do you feel your best?
(a) in the morning
(b) during the afternoon & early evening
(c)late at night

2. You usually walk
(a) fairly fast, with long steps
(b) fairly fast, with short, quick steps
(c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
(d) less fast, head down
(e) very slowly

3. When talking to people you
(a) stand with your arms folded
(b) have your hands clasped
(c) have one or both your hands on your hips
(d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
(e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair

4. When relaxing, you sit with
(a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
(b) your legs crossed
(c) your legs stretched out or straight
(d) one leg curled under you

5. When something really amuses you, you react with
(a) a big, appreciative laugh
(b) a laugh, but not a loud one
(c) a quiet chuckle
(d) a sheepish smile

6. When you go to a party or social gathering you..
(a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
(b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
(c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed

7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted. Do you..
(a) welcome the break
(b) feel extremely irritated
(c) vary between these two extremes

8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
(a) red or orange
(b) black
(c) yellow or light blue
(d) green
(e) dark blue or purple
(f) white
(g) brown or gray

9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep, you lie
(a) stretched out on your back
(b) stretched out face down on your stomach
(c) on your side, slightly curled
(d) with your head on one arm
(e) with your head under the covers

10. You often dream that you are
(a) falling
(b) fighting or struggling
(c) searching for something or somebody
(d) flying or floating
(e) you usually have dreamless sleep
(f) your dreams are always pleasant

POINTS:
1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1
10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1

Now add up the total number of points.
OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should "handle with care" You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.
51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.
41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.
31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest... Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expects the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is ever broken.
21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It'd really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.
UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions & who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything. They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.

Oh yeah.... you KNOW I'm bored now

When and where have you felt most comfortable being nude?
In my house. Almost all the time. Though depending on what I am doing I might have on a wrap, just to protect the nipples
Who is the person you miss most right now?
My MOMMY!!
What is your favorite store in the world?
Borders. Or maybe Pier One. Or maybe Value City.
What is your most disappointing sexual experience?
Oh my god. I had sex this one time with this guy who could NOT stay hard unless we did it doggy style, and then he was only faintly hard…and to add insult to injury, he had an itty-bitty dick too.

What room of your home do you spend the most time in?
Bedroom

What was the most useful course you ever took in school?
Hm. Most likely chemistry.

What is the most valuable thing you own?
My camera

What would you most like to be remembered for after you die?
My writing and art.

What is the cruelest thing a person has ever said to you?
You can’t sing, so why are you trying?

What would be the best way to get rid of a dead body?
Chop into small pieces and put down the garbage disposal

What is the poorest you've ever been?
Negative some-odd dollars on various occasions in school.

Where would you most hate to be pierced?
Hate? Ummm….my upper lip

Who is the person you'd most like to take revenge on?
JEH

What's the thing you know the most about?
Books…science fiction.

What's the best thing you've ever tasted?
White Chocolate Truffle candy

What was the best toy you ever owned?
Legos

What's the shortest time between orgasms that you've ever experienced?
No time

What age do you want to live to?
Not sure…until my body gives out

hat is the least amount of money you'd have to make to consider yourself rich?
Make? As in a year? *thinks* hmm…about 150,000 profit. As in after bills, taxes and savings.

What would you find hardest about being in prison?
Umm.. the whole can’t leave thing.

Whose thoughts would you most like to read?
Chef’s

What have you lost that you'd most like to retrieve?
My high school class ring

What is the most disgusting thing you've ever had to do?
Dig through a garbage bin for the above-mentioned ring

What was the most *romantic* evening you ever had?
I haven’t really had any.

What tests your faith in a higher power the most?
War

What is the worst word anyone ever used to describe you?
Not sure, people are wonderfully pleasant to me to my face.

What are you most greedy for?
Money!!

What is the most extreme thing you would do to your own appearance to make yourself better looking?
*laughs* Plastic Surgery. My nose, and breasts

What physical characteristic could you least tolerate in a mate?
Un-Cleanliness

What one part of your body comes closest to your ideal?
My wrists

What invention has had the biggest impact on your life?
The Net

What is the least amount of money you would accept to never have sex again?
Ugh. Right now? NONE…. A few months ago? A couple of hundred million

What was the hardest secret you've ever had to keep?
My secrets are kept so well, I don’t even know what they are.

Duality

To be unable to accept a compliment, yet strut like my stuff is pure gold. To be painfully aware of the spread of alll of me, yet to be able to feel like a desert rose. To look in the mirror and say WOW…that’s a snazzy chick, and to feel like I need to be wearing a burlap sack when I leave the house.

This is partially where the whole claiming Jazzy thing came from. I feel like she embodies the optimistic, happy, secure, loving, sexy & self-supporting part of me, while…*insert real name here* is the dowdy, hopeless, confused, nervous, burnt & paranoid part of me. Maybe it is just infatuation, the appeal of the new, or maybe it is the whole ‘dream image’ thing going on, but…I have these two roughly polar ‘people’ in my head, who while are basically the same person, have some amazing differences in how the see the world and themselves.

It’s Jazzy who is secure and happy with Chef, and it’s INRH who is paranoid about the whole thing. It’s Jazzy who appreciates the curves she has, and it INRH who stares and focuses on the curves she shouldn’t have.

---

Excuse this following moment of madness

*runs around madly like a little rat in a cage* Oh my god oh my god oh my god. They expect me to do work and perform and come to conclusions and stuff ALLL BY MYSELF!!!! *little crazy person runs around screaming madly* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*deep breath* okay. I feel better now

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Argh. This job is, without a doubt, going to drive me batty. I need some structure, some order, a damn To-Do list.
*grumbles*

Stay Jazzed.

Damn Love Songs

I have just one question – What is love? Can someone write down logically what love is and the three main signs that you had found a love worth keeping and worth opening up for?

Yes, I have heard that love is not logical, but there has to be some guidance, something that outlines what is and what is not real. I have had love that I thought was real, but I have always said that if it fades away, it was never real in the first place.. but is that really true? Can’t you love someone, and then stop loving them? People change, and what we love changes with us.. right? So how can you ever love someone for life...if you are changing?

Or does what you love have to change too? *sighs* I mean really… I can claim to have been truly IN love twice in my life, both times with men who were rather…inaccessible, mainly because of distance. My other relationships…they were real at the time, and there was some serious affection going on, but never was there a real LOVE thang. And I knew it at the time, even with Tashi. As sweet and as strong and as beautiful as what we had was, I knew it wasn’t something that was going to be a real long term thing. Hell…even with Little One, as much as I loved him, I knew there wasn’t really any chance of what we had being real and turning into something that would be there for the long haul.

Me & Papi…. *sighs* That was something real… or at least I thought it was. I often wonder how it would have gone had we ever graduated up to the level of having a real relationship, and not an internet one. So… basically I have no clue what a real in your face, get sick of him and then love him again, circle of life kinda love feels like…and I need to know what it feels like so that when it finally hits me, I can hold on like a mad woman and never ever ever ever ever ever let go. But at the same time, I also want to know what it feels like so that I won’t waste my time trying to hold onto to something that looks like something real, but isn’t. Because really, I don’t want to cling to some fools gold and get my hopes all up to only end up doing something or making a choice that is based on something more false than true.

And I’m sick of people telling me… ‘When it happens, you will know’ *snorts* yeah.. okay. So what about the times when I thought I knew, and then realized that I really didn’t know shit? Or what about those times when the person I was with thiught THEY knew, and I knew that they didn’t know shit? Or what about the times when I didn’t know, and looking back, maybe I should have known? I mean damn…for something so important to be so much of a game of chance… that isn’t even cool in the least bit. *sucks in breath* Patience Patience Patience.

Stay Jazzed.

Ribbit*Plop*Splash

Then the evening comes to greet you
You need someone to hold you close
And you feel the need to rest your aching mind
Who can you run to?
Who can you turn to?

Yeyo – Erykah Badu


Inertia is the direct opposite of momentum. Inertia is the steadfast holding on to the motion (or lack thereof) that you are currently in, while momentum is the changing of where you are into someplace else. Once you are in motion, your inertia becomes your momentum and when you reach a point when you need to change again, you have to fight the inertia that has come as a result of your momentum. So, in order to live and grow on a constant basis, there has to be a constant exertion of momentum, with no chance for a pause or a rest in the forward motion of yourself, because the minute you rest, you become inert.

And the longer you remain inert, the harder it is to get up the momentum to start moving again, because in the process of getting momentum you can’t rest even for an instant or you will have to start all over again, and going from a state of not doing anything to a state of constantly doing something is really not the easiest thing to pull off in the world.

I have been inert for most of my life, only rarely launching off of the lily pad that is my life for a particularly juicy fly that I saw coming my way. Most of the time I have been sitting under a very fertile tree and just scooping up what has fallen on my pad. Now however, either the tree is dying, or my pad is floating out from under it, or maybe I am just sick and tired of what I have been getting fed from the tree, ‘cuz I am just not satisfied with it any more. But this whole momentum thing? Ugh.

Not only am I scared to death of leaving my comfy little pad, I also don’t see any other pads anywhere around that I can fit on…hell I don’t see any other pads at all. And even if I did see any other pads, I don’t know if I would be bold enough o make the leap across the empty dark water that separates me from all those other pads.

*shakes head* Okay… I need to let go of this particular metaphor, because I just thought my fingers had webbing in them for a second. Blurgh. I need a swift kick up the ass.

And my brain is totally fried. I will be thinking about something, and five seconds later, not have a damn clue as to what it was. *shakes head* The brain cells are dying already.

Stay Jazzed.

Of Me

The OD is an exercise in patience and persistence on most days. I have promised myself that I will not bitch about this place, simply because it has been such an amazing ride for me, showing me more about myself and others that I would have ever been able to find out on my own. So, I will just take the adventures in reloads & refreshing that I have had to go through today to catch up on my favorites as just that, a reminder that patience is a virtue.

I left out a few of the realizations that I came to while I was in Oakbrook, mainly because I enjoy avoiding emotional issues ( hear the sarcasm there?) and because I have this twisted belief that if I don’t talk about something then maybe it will fade away. *rolls eyes* anyhow…. The emotional realization? I understand why I want to find that ONE and get engaged and get married and have the 2.4 kids and all that jazz. Why? Because all of that implies a kind of love, trust and devotion that I am yearning for. Longing has left the building, and she ain’t coming back. There is a certain level of permanence that sparkles in the diamonds of a wedding ring that I WANT. And I realized that just having the symbol of that permanence and that love doesn’t make a damn bit of difference if the permanence and love isn’t really there. It would just be play-acting, a hollow imitation of what I need to be real.

I can be so bust worrying about what IS going to happen that I can’t and don’t fully enjoy the beauty of what IS happening right this moment in my life. I am so concerned about paying off my bills that I am not fully enjoying the fact that I have a little loot to do what I will with. I am so concerned about finding someone to spend the rest of my life with that I am not fully enjoying what Chef & me have. *sighs* And sometimes, I get so concerned about being concerned that I end up in a total loop, chasing my own non-existent tail.

Yeah, I’m rambling on, and no I am most likely not making a damn bit of sense, but I need to get this out and even if it doesn’t make any sense later, it makes sense to me right now and for right now, right now is all that matters. Hmph.

I have been mulling over this whole ‘I want some jewelry badly and I want it NOW’ thing. I want something that has some meaning. All of the jewelry I wear right now has meaning except for my earrings. I wear the Truth ring that Tashi gave me on my left hand, my class ring on my right hand. I wear a watch on the left wrist, and Chef’s bead bracelet on my right (which is way too big….but ah well it’s the thought that counts). Around my neck I am wearing my auntie’s turquoise star, and in my ears I am wearing a plain and simple pair of silver hoops. Before I got the bracelet from Chef I was wearing my twist & cling bracelet, and that was working quite fine…but I was getting tired of it. And as ‘symbolic’ (of what I am not sure, and I don’t think I want to think about it right now) as his bracelet is, I want something more…me.

He gave it to me to wear when I went to Oakbrook, and when I tried to give it back to him he told me to keep it…and then asked me sarcastically whether he had to buy me something from Tiffany in order for me to wear it. *snorts* Nah…I want to buy MYSELF something from Tiffany before I even consider getting something from a man from there. Anyhow, what I considering getting was a silver bracelet with the name Jazzybelle on it. Which brings me to another realization that I got while I was in Oakbrook.

Jazzy is me, and I am jazzy, but at the same time I feel like she is a separate persona from me. I feel like Jazzy is the woman that I want to be, that she has reached a point that I can see but haven’t quite been able to touch, and I want to bring the two closer together. I know that if I get something like that, there are going to be mad questions about ‘who the hell this Jazzybelle person is’ and I am wondering how weird it would be to say it is my alter ego, my other me? *sighs*

Stay Jazzed

What about the dick?

Hmm… Desert Rein left me a note a while ago on my R&D Rules entry asking why it HAD to be a him, or is other words, why I was assuming that the person I would find to spend the rest of my life with would be a man, rather than a woman. Since I AM still bi, it is a worthy question, and I was actualy asking myself that question when I was writing the entry. I realized, as I wrote the entry, that what I wanted out of life, and out of a long term relationship, I wouldn’t be able to get from a woman. Sexist? Yes.. but that is kinda who I am. Or at least what I am. So.. what does man have & can possibly give me that a woman couldn’t?

1) Children. Yes, I could adopt…in fact I still plan on adopting kids. But I want to have children, and have their father in their life. I want to at least try to have the lovely 2.4 kid home with the cat & the dog and all that jazz.

2) Social Identity. *hangs head* Yes I do still care about what my momma and the rest of the world think of me, and mercy knows that I ain’t strong enough or ready enough to love a woman for life.

3) I don’t think that I WANT to be with a woman for life. I will always love women, and I will always be sexually attracted to them. But forever? I don’t know if I am bi enough for that. Sad huh?

But, at least I am being truthful with myself. I am not looking for a woman to spend the rst of my life with, though if one does happen to drop into my life, I won’t turn her away. I am not, nor will I actively look for her though. *shrugs*
Makes sense to me….though I don’t know about anybody else. Ugh, it’s after kunch and I am sleeeppppy.


Stay Jazzed.

Delirium

I have issues. Not major ones, not ones that will ruin my life, but issues all the same. While I know that everyone, no matter their age, race or size has issues, because these issues are mine, they seem so much worse. What brings this up? Well…it often takes me going someplace new to realize just how odd I am. Perhaps it is the time ‘out of the box’ or maybe it is just the fact that HEY! Things really are seen in a new light, but leaving home always seems to bring out the despondent in me. I’m going to go through them one at a time…and maybe in the process of writing them down, I will be able to pull them out.

1) I think we all know that I have some serious size issues. I realized today that you simply cannot be fashionable, according to current trends, if you are anything over a 10, and then you are pushing it. *sighs * I swear, it drives me batty sometimes…okay alllll the damn time. The obvious solution is to lose weight (of course) but that is going to be the subject of a whole nother rant/bitch session.

2) I feel guilty when it comes to spending money. On this trip, I had money to burn. A healthy amount of money to burn in fact. And I just couldn’t spend it. I brought some makeup, and had to convince myself that there was really no need for me to take it back after wards. I want to get myself a nice piece of jewelry, a bracelet. Nothing too extravagant, nothing too over the top…and I just couldn’t get it. I saw some things that I might have wanted, but I didn’t actually look at them because I knew that I would feel dreadful about getting it. Unless it was under 20 bucks, I would feel really bad. I don’t want to be one of those people who because they have lived so long with so little, are almost unable to live on anything but a little. Is this the reason that I can’t seem to buckle down and buy some furniture? And since I don’t even know what a ‘good’ price is, or what real quality looks like… I am trying to go for the cheapest thing that looks good…and I still feel guilty about buying that.

3) I have no personal style. There is nothing really that means or that brings me to mind, even to myself. I make no statement in my life. I say nothing really. I feel like I live everyday in a life without meaning. What is my goal of living? Why do I continue to breathe on a daily basis? What…for what am I here and if I haven’t figured it out yet, will I ever figure it out? Yeah, I’m only 23, but…even so, my life should not be so damn empty.


4) I realize that some of my issues with Chef come from the fact that I feel like I am the target of some huge con game…like I have been targeted for some kind of total mind fuck that will take years to come to fruition. Yeah, maybe I am bringing the past to bear here, but the niggling feeling is still there, and I am just cautious as hell about it all. So far, he has shown me nothing but good…but… I don’t know…Ms. DAG (Doom and Gloom) has to raise her head occasionally otherwise it wouldn’t be my life right??

So, anyhow, I came to all of these epiphanies (remember that word from Boomerang?) while I was wandering around this huge mall, and I got deliriously depressed. I meant there is nothing that will bring you down faster than realizing you are a fat piece of worthless fluff with money and intimacy problems. *rolls eyes * Really… I can’t think of a single thing that could be any more cheerful than that, can you?

And no, so far writing them down hasn’t helped. I brought the laptop with me, so I am sitting in O’Hare (I always thought it was O’Hara…humph) typing away. Hmm…maybe I will invest in a laptop as the power supply on MY computer just got blown the hell out. *sighs * Anyway, writing it all down hasn’t made me feel the LEAST bit better. In fact, it has made me feel a little worse because of the simple fact that I have issues and I am not sure what to do about tem, or if they are even major enough to need something to be done about them. I have talked about finding a therapist before, just to have someone to talk to, but I don’t know if it will be worth the time effort and money. I mean really… therapy? For what? Isn’t the whole idea of therapy to FIX something that is wrong with you? If I just have emotional issues, but there is nothing really WRONG with me, shouldn’t I leave ‘my’ therapist to more worthy fucked-up people?? *laughs* My…isn’t that just the least bit self centered? *sighs* I swear… sometimes I don’t know what to do with myself.

Me and Chef had the most interesting conversation last night…don’t ask me what it was about now, because I really don’t remember (yeah, my mind is going too!) but I know we talked about some emotional issues and all that jazz. *smiles* I am supposed to see him tonight, but unless a wake up from the half somnolent state I am in now… the only thing I am going to be seeing is going to be the inside of my eyelids. Of course, I am tired as hell like this because I have been eating starches & sugars like that was all there was to eat, and I suffer from food coma in a heart beat, but do I stop eating it? Nope? What is wrong with me? Really? It’s like I have a self destruct switch in my head as the second it comes to something that I should not be doing (for my own bodily good) of that switch will flip and turn any common sense that I have right off. However, if I m getting into something that has the least bit of a potential for being emotionally damaging, I will run, fight, scream, lie and steal to get out of that situation. *shakes head* Maybe I need to have a heart attack or not be able to walk or have something seriously damaging happen to my body as things have happened to my heart in order for me to be able to utilize the same ‘burnt child’ switch.

I need a massage really really really bad. MY neck, back and upper shoulders are so tight it feels like I Have my shoulders hunched up around my ears when I really don’t. It’s rather painful and very irritating. And then, to make matters worse, it feels like I have air bubbles all inside of me..like inside of the layers of fat and muscle and stuff. Once again, a very nasty feeling. Yeech… andI have to go to work tommorow. Ah well… before I think of any OTHER horrid stuff that will put me even deeper in the dumps. I’m off. To be posted tommorrow… at my wonderful job.

Stay Jazzed.

*sigh*

Classes suck. They are boring boring boring. And only barely better than work. Besides, I m encouraged to sprnd money...what else can I do for entertainment?

edit & change

Welll…. I am officially a bad girl. *laughs&blushes* I think I will have to change my rules of dating & relationships. Just one minor little baby change…cuz the movin & groovin is the bomb….and I ain’t sporting a ring. *grins* TMI? Nahhhhh not at all. Some things just deserve to be shared.

Interesting. I realized that I have not been checking my OD email, and went there to find a long email that was detailing just how BAD that The Atkins Diet is for people. In refuting this person, I went down a list of things that were going on while I was on the diet, compared to the things that are going on in my life now, and I can’t understand myself. Clearly this diet thing is good for me, it WORKS for me. So why can’t I just think about what I am eating and be more conscious about what goes into my mouth? Lazy? I guess so, but it really isn’t that hard. *sighs* I don’t know what it is…maybe I just don’t care? Ah… what’s the word… ennui…a complete and total amount of who-gives-a-fuckness. *sighs* How do you start caring again??

Speaking of email… I just went and expressed some of my repressed anger over the whole JEH thing by toying with a few of his email accounts. *sighs* That felt good. :) I think I will sign him up for a gay sex line next.. *rubs hands together evilly* Yes it’s petty. Yes it’s immature as hell. Yes is makes me feel DAMN good. Humph. Just call me petty and immature. Besides, hopefully I will run across a email that lists in details just how horrid his life is and I will feel ALLLL better. :)

Along somewhat similar lines, I decided that it was high time I cleaned out my hotmail address book. I have managed to keep this address ever since I started messing around on the net, so it has become somewhat of a permanent home for me. Anyhow… I emailed everyone on my list who I haven’t talked to in long enough for them to have moved, just to see who is cyberspace is still out there. So far I have gotten about 6 bad addresses, and one reply from a wonderful fellow who I had a falling out with over gay folx a while ago (like three years maybe??), but who other than that was a wonderful person.

So in all.. today I have been very communicative. :) And I like it.

In other news… I was browsing through Indy’s weekly paper, and saw an ad requesting egg donors. *YAAYYY* I can do it, I just know I can. The daily hormone shots might suck a bit, but it will be worth it. I just need to get in touch with the people and fill out some forms and hopefully they will accept me. Hm. That is another encouragement to lose weight. A lot of times they will not accept women who are over a certain weight because the hormones might not be able to act as effectively. *sighs* Also in this paper, I saw an ad for those Police Impound Auctions. Hmmm… this might be a way for me to get a car slightly sooner than I thought I would. I mean, I would settle for getting a good car cheap that isn’t EXACTLY what a want a year or even six months early, rather than waiting and getting suck even further into debt. From the looks of it, these auctions are real, but my only question is is there any worthwhile stuff there or is it mostly old junk heaps that nobody wanted anyway?

There were a couple of other interesting thing in the paper too, but I am not THAT money crunched. I worked out a budget, and if all goes well I will be free of my school loans by March, 2003. *sighs* I was hoping to be done with them by the end of 01, but THAT ain’t gonna happen unless I make a lot more money on the side than I am expecting to. *crosses fingers & toes* That WOULD be nice though.


Stay Jazzed.

Weekend Woes and Wonders

Yesterday was an official gloriously pissy day. I was in a nasty mood for most of the day, and insisted that I be by myself and in bed. I ate badly, watched bad TV, and left the house in more of a wreck than it was when I started the weekend. I realized that I haven’t luxuriated in a bad mood in a while. I have been so busy worrying about why I was grumpy, I wasn’t enjoying it. Why was I grumpy? No particular reason, just grumpy.
Saturday however was most of a blast. I went out with a couple of sistas from work, and we went to a step show and just kinda hung out at the Classic. It was a lot of fun…I miss hanging out with women.

Blagh. Don’t have much to talk about today…maybe as the day goes on I will figure out something to blab on about, but for right now…I’m okay.

I got my nails done yesterday, and I have been admiring them since then. They are so shiny and frsh and pink looking. I didn’t put any color on them (as I have been going around for a while au natural) and I really like it. Some slightly more radical people might see a contradiction in me wearing my hair natural and my nails fake…but I just work with what I want and what I know.

10/6/00

Amazing how things happen that seem to reflect on other things that have happened. Me & Chef had a ‘talk’ a few nights ago…and me, being the closed mouthed person that I am didn’t say much. Afterwards, he got up and went into the living room…and I was suddenly thrown back into a memory of something that had happened between T&T during the later days of their marriage. A very similar situation, and Tmale was furious later because Tfemale had not followed him to ask him what was wrong. So, of course I went out to see what was wrong, and he just said he couldn’t sleep. as that was what I had been trying to do for the past hour or so…I said okay and went back to bed. Later, he came in and made a comment that struck kinda hard. He said I was ‘dead-pan’. *sighs* Ugh! And I honestly got scared… I don’t want to lose him, or push him away in any way. So I talked… I spilled…I let my guts hang out and dangle on the floor. And he didn’t hurt me, or step on them, or do anything but listen. And I liked that. Mercy…more and more with each thing that he does, I am liking this man more and more.
Anyhow…I just wanted to make a note of that…OH! And he is good with the money thing too. *smiles*

OH! I think I might be making some friends at work. I met a couple of cool sisters at this luncheon thing...and we are going to a step show tommorrow.

Just dooooownnnn

*sighs* This whole late night thing is getting to be too much for me. The fact that he usually doesn’t get off of work until close to midnight, and then we sit up and talk for hours…it’s wearing a sista down. Not that I am complaining in the least.. because I am not. It is just the simple fact that MAN…my brain is feeling THICK today. But… we had an interesting and worthwhile conversation last night, that rather makes up for my thick brain right now.

*sighs* I realized last night, that I have never had a totally face to face relationship since I left high school. All of my relationships in college were half face to face, half internet. The last relationship I was in was all interenet. This is something totally new to be grown enough to segue into a new way of relating to someone. I can't put things off and talk to him in AIM about it…because that just isn’t how we talk. I know I don’t want to rush anything, and I want to take each step a little bit at a time…but I am so…blank with this. I have no guidelines, no ideas, no…structures to follow. I am going into this totally blind, and it is scaring the shit outta me.

Maybe I need to change the name of my dairy to Men, Money and Poundage. It seems to be all I talk about now. *sighs*

Speaking of which (guess which topic I am going to now) I figured out why I went into such a funk when I first went on the diet. Carbs provide serotonins, which are basically the feel-good neurotransmitters. The fewer carbs you eat, the fewer additional serotonins that your body has, In other words, you feel like crap. So…that is why when I went home and gorged on all those carbs, I felt like a quarter of a millin bucks. Anyhow.. I have decided that in addition to my usual multivitamins, I am going to start popping St. John’s Wort to ease the pain. :)

I am SOOO tired. I would really prefer taking a nap to eating lunch today. *sighs* Hopefully I will make it.


Stay Jazzed.

10/5/00 Atkins

Okay. This is it. I am GOING to do this and do it RIGHT.
Just a little bit at a time. For the restof this week: No caffiene, no bread, no starchy veggies, no sugar. Some exercise every night.
Having a scale is scary.

A Deadly Weapon

Amendment II (1791)
A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.

I may be a liberal, bleeding heart sap who wants the government to interfere with every aspect of a citizens day-to-day life (note the sarcasm please), but for the life of me I do not see how the Second Amendment grants the citizens of the United States the right to own and use guns.

“It’s right there! Clear as DAY!”, members of the NRA may claim. “Don’t you see it? : The right to bear ARMS!”

Well, yes. I DO see that. But my gap in understanding comes from seeing where arms translates to guns. That…my liberal brain just can’t wrap around. But…if arms are a synonym for guns, I would expect to find that in the dictionary…right?

I’ll start with the Cambridge International Dictionary…
Arms: weapons and equipment used to kill and injure people.
Hm. No mention of guns there.

Let’s try good old Webster’s…
Arms: Weapons of offense, or armor for defense and protection of the body
Nope…no guns there either.

Let’s go to Cambridge’s Dictionary of AMERICAN English. That should help…
Arms: to provide (yourself or others) with a weapon or weapons
WOW! Still no mention of guns. How…interesting.
So, according to standard dictionaries, the idea of arms = guns is a false one.

Now… I talked about this before, and I got a note that said something along the lines of “I’ll give up my gun when you give up your right to free speech”. I have already given up PART of my right to free speech. How so, you ask? Simple. It’s called slander and libel. If all speech was truly FREE, I would be able to say anything about anybody, whenever and in whatever forum I pleased, and the government couldn’t do a thing about it. Free Speech you know. Why is that ‘type’ of free speech prohibited? To protect American citizens. Speech is a many faceted thing, and it has been expanded to mean much more than just an utterance of the tongue.
In the same manner, arms are a many faceted thing, and it includes much more than just guns. I won’t insult anyone’s intelligence (this time) by listing all of the objects that are arms according to the above list. In fact, according to the above list, there are very few things that are NOT arms. So why I ask, cannot guns be eliminated from the list of legal arms that the Second Amendment has given me the right to bear, just as slander and libel have been eliminated from the types of speech that are free for me to utter?

Obviously, the amending of an amendment is something that has occurred before, usually after a long drawn out legal battle. But there is an amendment that has been amended repeatedly, without the benefit of a battle, or even a court decision. Which one you ask? Take a look at this:

Amendment VIII (1791)
Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

How has this been amended? By the simple march of time and reasonability. In 1890 charging someone a quarter of a million dollars in bail would be considered excessive in the utmost. Now, it is a common bail to be charged for high profile cases where there is a chance of flight. Why? Because times have changed, and so the Constitution must change in order to remain a living document. In the same way, in regard to guns, times have changed. In the 1800’s guns were a necessity of life. To feed your family, to guard your home, to defend yourself. In the 2000’s in most areas (warning! Generalities to follow) you do not HAVE to hunt to feed your family. You do not HAVE to patrol your land to scare off the Indians the land was stolen from. You don’t HAVE to have a gun to defend yourself. In a time when almost every time the news is turned on, there is another child killed by a gun, another madman who snapped and killed tens of people for no reason, it seems that in order to continue to protect its citizens, the United States needs to take a firmer stance on guns.

I’m not a lawyer. I am not a judge. Hell, I have only been able to legally vote for five years. But there are some paths of logic that seem almost too obvious to be denied, to clear to be fogged by fancy words and demands of ‘freedom’. I welcome any holes that can be poked into this path of logic. I welcome any ideas that can be brought up to refute the wisdom of these thoughts. Of course, one obvious hole is “How can it be done? The government hasn’t been able to truly prevent any other illegal substance from entering the country, what makes guns any different?” or this one “If guns are outlawed, then the only people who will have them are the criminals.” Honestly, I don’t know. But I would hope that for the sake of our citizens, and for the protection of this country, somebody comes up with an answer that will usher in a time where the concept of a bullet wound is as foreign to our children as the concept of a 200.00 bail for a mass murderer is foreign to their parents.

Stay Jazzed.

P.S. Or maybe we should keep guns legal, and just ban bullets.

Short Talk

Proud of myself I am...I sent off the application for school so I can get this last class and finally, truly be a graduate, AND I enrolled myself in a bartending course. 500 bucks for a two week course, but I figure it will be worth every penny. I am looking at it as an investment, and I know I will be able to make the money back in no time.

Hm. Work is...boring. I have never done so much of so little in all my days. Humph. Maybe I'm just not a self starter. And of course the fact that every time I try to do something, I find that I don’t have all the access that I need really doesn’t help matters out any either.

Chef & I are aiight. I have stopped predicting doom, and now I am just waiting for the blow to strike. It’s odd…I don’t expect him to turn out to be some dreadful mean evil man anymore, I just expect something to happen that will strain him to the breaking point. Or me. *siiiiiiiighs*
Nothing interesting to write about… at least nothing that I am willing to turn into solid matters of the mind by putting them down on paper. Maybe after lunch.

Stay Jazzed.

10/2/00 Atkins

*moan* There is clearly something wrong with me. I have no will power, and little self control. I am considering upping my exercise and continuing to eat what I want.
*flings herself back on the bandwagon*