The Ethical Slut

I've gotten a couple of notes on this book, so let me go into a little more detail....

The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities (this is a ever so convienent link to it on Amazon - it opens in a new window - read the reviews!)

Soo....what's this book all about?? It basically starts out with (looks around for it-damn, it's in the car) an explanation of how the authors (two non-mongamous women who grew up in the 70's) discovered the fact that they weren't rally wired for monogamy - and how they came to realize that it wasn't necessarily a BAD thing.

It then continues with talking about the sex-negative thoughts that we grow up with, the concepts/internal assumptions that we make about love and sex, and how to 'get over them'.

The book is full of interesting insights, and things that made me go - OH MY GOD!! This is soooooooooo me....it talks about how to handle jealousy, how to fuck up a non-mongamous life, and ideas on how to make sure that everyone you are dealing with is happy. I like the book, because if gives me insights on how to build the BEST relationship possible - not only with my hubby, but with myself, and with my friends - and potential lovers.

It's a REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLY good book - and yeah, the title is deliberately shocking, but it really is a consice description of the book - how to be a 'slut' (someone who loves and who has sex with as many people as they WANT to) and yet still remain, ethical, happy, and LOVING (most importantly of all). A couple of the reviews say that the book is rather male-bashing, and now I'm going to have to re-read it to see if I see that - I thought it was very balanced....covering both lesbian/bi/hetero relationships - with all KINDS of variations thereof.

BUY IT!! It's only 12 bucks!! Buy multiple copies of it! Read it - I think I'm on my third or fourth reading of it, and I'm STILL getting new insights/suprises/confirmations. Even if you AREN'T poly/cheating/in love with more than one person/trying to figure out your root sexuality - it's a great read.

and a free spirit

Okay....remember the party? The one that was tomorrow night? Well, apparently I had a brain fart of HUGE propotions, and the damn thing is actually TONIGHT. Shite. I have nothing to wear, I have no birthday gift, I have to leave early to pick up Hubby, take him home, wait for him to shower, and come back to the party (if we make it back..... I'm only giving us a 30% chance of actually going back - whether it's because he just doesn't FEEL like it, or if it's because it's a wackass party)....and I have ANOTHER social engagement tomorrow - which means I'm going to have to get up early, drive him to work, do the usual household shit that needs to be done, primp for this event (that I REALLLLLY don't want to go to) go to that, escape, go and pick up Hubby....and finally I'll have Sunday to relax - but then, if we go car shopping, I most likely won't be able to relax totally then either. I'm not complaining - if anything, I'm trying to list out why having ANOTHER car note is a good thing rather than a bad thing.

We still haven't had the conversation about *thinks* whatever night that was when I told him to keep his trap shut - but - it's funny. For someone who is ALWAYS on me about not being communicative enough, he'll sit, and stew, and stew, and stew. I figure by Monday, there will be a full blown case of assholitis in our household. Why haven't I opened the topic? Okay - I've been reading The Ethical Slut (I HEART that book) and one of the main tenets is that you have to own your own emotions - and be able to express how they make you feel in a way that does NOT put the burden of your feelings on the other person. It's - rather freeing actually - coming to terms with the concept that I can be the BEST wife that I can be - but NOT having to take responsibility for how HE feels - only for how I feel. It sounds - selfish written out like that - but it's NOT that I don't care about how he feels - I do, and deeply - but I'm no longer going to do the work of expressing his feelings for him. In turn, I'm OWNING my feelings - when he told me earlier this week that he would 'make me a deal' and bring home fixings for cheesesteaks if I cleaned up the kitchen, I could have gotten angry/upset/disgusted over the concept of him making a DEAL - as if he EVER fucking cleans the kitchen - but instead I just let it slide off my back - and returned to my nap, since I had ALREADY cleaned the kitchen when I got home since the nasty milky water sitting in the sink was attracting flies.

It's nice - refusing to be an adult for him. Like right now, he's awake. I know he is, because his Yahoo! ID is no longer idle. But, when I get home, the house is going to look just how it did when I left - if not worse. He might find the time to lay out his clothes for tonight to make our turnaround time faster, but I doubt he would even think of that. He's most likely looking at big boob porn, and playing his video game, and he'll do that until he HAS to get up and take a shower so that he can go to work. I'm NOT looking for his car - yeah, it's painful to me for him to NOT have a car, but *shrugs* he knows how to get online, he knows how to call people - and it's NOT like he doesn't have the TIME to do it.

Ya know, I'm tired of taking care of both of us. We should be taking care of each other. and oh - don't get me wrong - most of this stuff is minor. It's just stuff that rubs me very much so the wrong way sometimes (especially when I'm hormonal) but - it's also something that I've kinda grown (growing) to accept. *sigh* We're not perfect people, in any way shape or form, and - well - I guess it's the imperfections that keep it interesting.

Right?

Yay!!

Reasons to be happy today:
1) It's FRIDAY!
2) I got PAID!
3) It's not too hot, and sunny!
4) It's FRIDAY!!!
5) I got PAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDD!! (and so did C!)

So - the plan for this weekend? Chillin & relaxin - I have an event to go to tomorrow night for the bookclub that I kinda don't want to go to - some chichi booksigning/speakerish kinda thing *yawn* and that I haven't sold any tickets for (at 25 bucks a POP!! the two people who I would have thought would have gone, are both out of town, so oh well) and I need to go shopping at lunch to see if I can find something to wear.

I talked to my best friend last night - but only for a hot second. I haven't talked to the child in - EONS - hell, it's been at LEAST 6 months - and she sounded - okay. Tired, and not as up as usual -  *sigh* and it's going to be hard getting a chance to really hit down and reconnect with her. Talked to her son too - oh my god! he sounds soooo grown up and so sweet. I know he's really a holy terror though.

Have I mentioned recently how SICK I am on the whole ONE BLOODY CAR thing?? We are going to go car shopping Sunday (I hope - but I'm not reminding him) and see if we can find something. Neither of us have really seen anything that we like - I kinda want him to get a bigger car - a wagon of some sort. Of course, HE wants a car that he can trick out *rolls eyes* so it's been a struggle trying to find a model that we both put our stamp of approval on. Gah. I'm really at the point where it's like - ya know, I don't GIVE a damn - just buy something all freaking ready!!!

Anyone selling a reasonably priced, gently used car? I'm thinking it might be right STUPID of us getting a new car, considering his track record with cars. I don't know WHAT the hell he is doing sometimes - but I've ONLY been driving for a little UNDER five years - and I've never been in an accident. In the five years that we have been together, he's TOTALLED two cars. Work wit me ya'll.....

Had some interesting dreams last night/this morning - was tooling around with my best friend and one of my beloved gay bois (whose feminie energy was VERY strong) and somehow we ended up going into this little roadside toilet thing - it was NASTY and the whole place smelled of old greasy hamburgers (it was right behind a resturant) and the toilets were 5 gallon buckets with a hole in the bottom and a pipe of water constantly trickling through. When I got out of the toilet (which I SOOOOOO did not use!) , someone came up to me and told me that I had won 3 plates because I didn't throw up while I was in there. We bitched about that, then got back in the car to go somewhere else, and I handed out gum and mints all around.
Then, I was watching something - TV, maybe? and I was watching four planes - dance, really. There were two HUGE jumbo jets, and two itsybitsy little planes, and they were all pretty high up, and the jets kept trying to push the puddlejumpers out of the sky. C rolled over me to look at the clock then, so I woke up before I could see what happened to the planes.

Boob Twinging

I'll be sitting somewhere, minding my own business, and this itchy/scratchy/tinging/stinging sensation will shoot from somewhere in my boob towards my nipple. Sometimes it'll just flare up, and then just as quickly go away, other times it will just SIT there and irritate the living daylights out of me. The only thing that makes it go away? Deep boob massaging - but I can't really sit at my desk at work and grab/squeeze/poke the boobage.
It happens in both breasts, doesn't seem to be linked to my cycle, and personally - I think that it's my milk ducts twinging (mainly because of the nipple-centeric feeling - or did my mom tell me that?)- for what, I have no clue of, but maybe they are just making sure they are still limber. Or - it could just be the crappy ass bras I'm wearing. *thinks* hmmm...now that I think about it - it does tend to happen when I'm either in a crappy bra, or have gone braless for a day or two - so that might be it - the girls aren't feeling fully supported.

So yes - there you have it. An entire entry about my chest. WHooHOOO!!!

Edit: AHHHH!!! STOP IT!! STOP IT!!! Okay - in the back of my VERY paranoid mind, I might - MIGHT - MIGHT be pregnant. Let me go through the bit of amusement that I was pondering last week sometime....
The IUD stops conception, not ovulation.
The NuvaRing stops ovulation, not conception.
Our dilly asses had sex the day before the IUD came out.
Sperm can live for up to 3 days once they hit the uterus.
My last period ended 4th of July weekend - and the IUD came out ABOUT two weeks later.
*snork* I'm not sure what I would do....though I do have a test in my drawer from the last freakout session I had (I THINK I'm pregnant about 6 times a year.....dementia) and I'm going to use it on Aug 3rd, as that would be roughly two weeks after the above mentioned idiotic incident (I STILLL can't believe we had sex - and I didn't think about the fact that I was about to lose my protection.)

BUT!!!! To my benefit - this HAS happened before (the boob aches, that is)- and despite the current roundness of my belly, I I wasn't pregnant, just fat. What I'm waiting for (the number one sign for ME) is the utter, hopeless, tear causing exhaustion - and the feeling that my boobs weigh about 38 pounds EACH. Neither has happened yet, so I think we might have gotten lucky. Dumbasses that we are. Though of course, the little stick will tell me before I hit that point (I think.....I'm still not sure how far along I was when my energy plummented.)

so STOP it.

but yes....it's going to be a VERY long 6 days. vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvverrrry long.

I think.....

...that I'll start writing in medium font all the time.
...that I need to start playing the lottery again.
...that I need to be more social and less sleepy.
...that I'm really sick of my boob twinging.
...that I am looking forward to quitting smoking.
...that I need a pedicure, badly.
...that I should go shoe shopping this weekend.
...that I should go clothes shopping too.
...that I should try to update my poetry...and sell it to someone.
...that I should be working on Chapter Five rather than moaning about the need for a nap.
...that maybe we should buy a house.
...that C really needs to pick a freaking car.
...that I need to see if I can get pre-approved for a loan through my credit union again.
...that I need to spend more time with the bookclub...and less time with the tv.
...that I need to start working on my business idea again.
...that really the world needs more love and less bullshit.
...that I'm even boring myself with this.
...that I'm going to go and do some work/write some paragraphs/read some random entries now.

I'm a tart

Okay - more accurately, I'm tart. Salty, sour, all of those food related words that indicate all is not well in my mind space.

*shrugs* I'm trying, ya'll - really I am. Sex once a week - whether I really WANT it or not. *shrugs* It's supposedly worth it for the sake of peace, but *rolls eyes* Ya know, I think he thinks I'm really interested. And it came to a head last night.

We're in bed, kissing, fondling, generally having fun. He slides between my legs, and says 'Tell me how much you want me to fuck you'. I looked at him with a lovely blank look (masked by darkness), and I tried to open my mouth to say that utter lie, but it wouldn't come out.

"Come on baby, tell me how much you want my hard cock in your pussy"....oh gagNACIOUS now. I was willing to fuck him, but I most certainly didn't WANT it - and I just COULDN'T get the lie out. I pratically stammered....then I snapped - "Stop asking me stuff and just fuck me!" 15 minutes later, I'm sweetly snoozing away, debating sneaking downstairs to write an entry, no orgasm (not that I wanted one, though I did fake one to make him hurry up and come), mentally brushing off my hands in having performed my wifely duty.

This morning, as I'm flying around the house (late for leaving for work as usual) he comes into my boudoir (easiest way to explain it) and says - "Did we have sex last night, or was I dreaming?" I give him a real stupid look (damn, I didn't think he was THAT drunk) and say - yeah, we did have sex. He comes back with - "So when I was asking for what I wanted to hear, you did tell me to stop asking questions and just fuck you?" I nodded, a frown on my face. Damn, so now he doesn't just want PUSSY, he wants pussy that meows on command. "Why did you say that??"

And then, I did something very very wrong. It was 8:25, it takes me 30 minutes to get to work, I had to be here by nine, I was barely awake, and really, I just didn't FEEL like getting into it just then. I shrugged, and gave him a halfassed answer. "I just didn't feel like it." He frowned - and I KNOW he interpeted it as - I didn't FEEL like saying it, not that I didn't FEEL like fucking you. He made a little face, then gave me the 'we kiss goodbye every morning but I don't really feel like kissing you right now' goodbye kiss, and I rushed downstairs to grab the last bit of my shit.

So....now, tonight I think I'm going to have to confess. Tell him that despite my 'apparent' higher interest in sex, I'm just trying to get him off on a regular basis, so he won't turn into the Sex-Deprived Asshole of the South...tell him that, I STILL want sex at the same frequency I've ALWAYS wanted it - once a month (or so....I can go longer) but I'm consiously being receptive to HIS needs (most of the time) when HE wants it (every other damn day). And with that simple fact in mind, it's going to be hard for me to lay there and lie without channelling a very bad actress in a very bad porno.

"Oh yeah Hubby, stick that big fat cock into my tight hot wet little pussy...ooohhh.....ahhhh......yeah Baby, I want your hard dick pounding in me....yeah...." all while mentally filing my nails.

*gag*

*sigh* Though I suppose, considering I'm actually FUCKING him when I don't want to now (how far I've come), give me another six months and my fucking nickname will be Debbie. And - don't get me wrong - there's NOTHING wrong with his size/style/performance/endurance - any of that. He's a great lover. It's just hard to be enthusiatic about it when I really don't want to be loved on.

Speaking of faking orgasms, I've realized that I can actually cum on demand - and I mean the full waterworks....I can CONTROL the shiver, the squeezing, the juice making....*LOL* I would actually be a great porn star.

*sigh* And we are supposed to be going to a swing party this weekend, and I'm REALLLY not sure if I want to go. But....I said I would go. *sigh* And - hey - who knows what might happen/might not happen. Maybe he'll finally fuck another gal. But hey - at least it gives me a reason to go shopping!

relief....

Oh - I feel SOOO much better. See - I shudder to think of what sort of CHILD I was when I didn't get my nap every day! I was just tired. I went out Friday night, met a new friend (such a cool chick!) and then drug myself home. FORCED myself to stay awake until it was time to get C, made him drive, and then headed back home. I think I crashed almost upon entering the house - which would have made it around 11pm or so. I woke up Saturday around 9am - which is shockingly EARLY for me, and stayed awake until around 4, when I went back to sleep until 10:30 when C got home. WOke up Sunday around - noon, I suppose? - and took little naps on and off all day. Finally went to bed around 11pm, and woke up this morning at *drumroll please* 7:15. Got up, took a shower, and climbed BACK into bed for another half hour, then finally drug my almost late ass to work. Am I still sleepy??? Oh hellllsss yes - can I survive though?? *nodnod*

However! I'm no longer irked - which is a really important thing. Several things happened at work today that would have had me pulling out the Uzi on Thursday (or friday - whenever it was I wrote my previous message) that I just shrugged and moved on from. *deep sigh* Ahh sanity - how wonderful it is.

Umm...dang.....got sucked into work..... YAY!!! Another YAYY!!! for deciding how Jacy got found! and a third YAY!!! for me realizing that I can use my iPod as an external drive, and now have THREE backups for my files - so hopefully I will avoid the HORROR of losing a whole damn chapter (again). Every 5 chapters, I'm printing them out.

More later. Maybe.

*counts on fingers*

I've figured out what it is - I'm feeling PMS'y!!! *thinks* it's a good bit early, but yup - that's what it is. The urge to eat salty spicy crap, the general feeling of hating all humanity, the urge to crawl into my house and not move for about three weeks, the deep desire to whine about EVERYTHING, the twitchy, unfocused restlessness - *nods*  PMS.
Now - I'm not all that on point with my cycle, but let's see....it ended about two weeks ago, so - *thinks* it's a bit early - but not too much so.

If it last for more than a week (or get's worse) I'm pulling this damn ring out, and telling my doc I want another IUD - pain or not - I can handle three or four days of physical pain much better than I can handle weeks of mental disturbances.

Things that have irked me today:
* It's cold as hell in my office - not like that's unusual, but IRK!
* Everything seems to be running very slow - I feel like I've been waiting on hourglasses all damn day. IRK!
* I have to leave my house once I get home to get my husband. IRK!
* I have a stack of documentation on my desk I'm supposed to be compling  - but the bloody documents WON'T open on my laptop. IRK!
* I don't feel like writing. I'm thinking about the big 'explanation of adoption' scene - and I can't figure out how to get mom to start talking. IRK!
* My bra is too tight - I must have hooked the wrong hooks this morning, or I've bloated up. IRK!
* I can't take a nap under my desk. IRK!

See?? Perfectly normal stuff that makes me wanna throw stuff. Ahhh....the wonders of the adult female body.

And just a note - so that later I can laugh if I'm right. The IUD doesn't stop ovulation. We had sex the day before it got pulled out (cuz I was horny - which is a lovely sign of ovulation in me). The ring doesn't stop conception - it stops ovulation. Sperm can live for up to 3 days.  If I get caught like Kimmie did, I'm going to die laughing/crying. I've got a spare preganancy test in my desk drawer, and just to reassure myself, I'm taking it on the 3rd. Holy shit - can you BELIEVE it's almost August??

My doula training is in less than a month, and I STILL haven't taken the childbirth classes - mainly because the natural *pause...hmm - that'll be a good source*  but the natural childbirth folx around here seem to have some flakiness/power struggles going on....and I REALLLLY don't want to take a hospital class first. Gah. Okay - must write some emails before I forget - ciao!!!

 

*snap**grrr*

So. I'm enourmously grumpy. Okay - maybe not enourmously, but grumpy enough that I think I have an involutary furrow in my forehead. Mind you, yesterday, I was all sunshine & light - now I'm cavemanface

I'm desparately, madly, insanely hoping that I'm grumpy because I'm TIRED.  After spending a whirlwind weekend with my folx, and being OUT of bed BY noon both Saturday and Sunday (which is unheard of for me) and then not getting to bed until midnight/1am every night this week so far - and barely being able to make it to work by 9am....I'm sure it's just because I'm tired. One more sleep, and it'll be Friday. Oh, how I look forward to Friday. Esp. on weekend where I have utterly no good reason to leave the house - yes, yes, Friday's ROCK. We also have a two hour fun & games meeting.....so that'll burn up some time. I should see if I can make a lunch date for tomorrow too...hm.
But then, I don't know if I should inflict my grumpy ass on anyone. See - and the reason I'm HOPING it's just because I'm tired is well - We don't do well with artifical hormones. I'm one of those women who will have to grit her teeth and just GET through menopause, cuz otherwise I will end up killing someone - most likely my husband. The Pill (after being on it for *thinks* almost ten years straight) made me TOTALLY fucking bonkers. I swung between depressed, violent, and manic in a lovely circle that started scaring even me. I knew I had to stop when I broke down sobbing in the corner of my apartment because C had to go TO WORK. Oh yeah - and it wasn't like it was a suprise - it was just all too too much.  I stopped taking them the next day, and within a week - I was all normal again.  So - this - Nuvaring thingy - has a hell of a LOT less hormones in it than the pill did, but I'm still paranoid.

*lays head on desk* And there's a farking CRICKET in our office. *bares teeth at it* *grrrrrrrrrr*

I read a short story called 'The Growling' about a society of warriors (men and women) and the men had been gone on some - quest - for almost a year - so instead of the usual mix of pregnant/recently given birth/not pregnant women - most of the women were not pregnant - and they were cycling in unison. And they were GRUMPY. SNIPPY. SNAPPY.  PMS*three all girls schools - and nobodys on the pill. Another tribe tried to swing through and take them out - and ay-yay-yai!! They beat them men like they stole something - twice - from their blind gramma.  It was a funny story - I need to find it when I go home. *LOL* I'm definitely growling.

*huge yawn* But I think it's just cuz I'm sleepy - see - yet another reason I know that me working + small children is a bad idea. If I don't HAVE to be anywhere, I can sleep on their schedule (however whacked out it might be) and I'm good at getting rested from catnaps. But working? And a bebe? Oh sweet jaysus, I would seriously go postal on someone - or have the worst case of postpartum depression ever - or both.

Okay. Let me go get some damn coffee out the damn machine and wake the hell up.

*grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*

 

Goldiggers, and Lumps of Lead

Talking to this fellow online (completely platonically - ew!) and he's moaning about the fact that he doesn't have a girlfriend.

Lets see - 1) You still live with your momma. 2) You have ALWAYS lived with your momma. 3) You don't own a car. 4) You don't have a job. 5) And you're THIRTY TWO freaking years old.

Now - who, exactly, in their right mind would want to date - much less fuck this guy? I mean - he seems REALLY nice. And - nah, financial considerations should be a minor part of mutual interest - but to ME - it seems like.....this fellow has an utter lack of ambition or drive. He's got a college degree (in Electrical Engineering - so he ain't STUPID) and yet, doesn't work. Maybe it's just me - and the fact that I have worked since I was in HIGH SCHOOL. I started out at a library, then took a few years off of work to focus on getting a degree, then worked my last two years of college, then I've been working (ocassionally two, and once THREE jobs at the same time).

I left my mom's house as SOON as I graduatated from high school, and me and my mom have a GREAT relationship - but I wanted to start building my own life. So - I guess it's really hard for me to understand/respect someone who is WILLLING to sit on his ass, let his mother continue to take care of him, and NOT be busting his hump in a global fashion to get a job. And I'm sure - any women he's TRIED to approach (esp. in this city which seems to be rampant with golddiggers and the men who are willing give them money) have damn near laughed in his face. Hm. I wonder if he's a virgin.

But - am I being too hard on him to think that the above - issues - completely kicks him out of the dating pool? Or - is it wrong to think that a 32 year old man, with a degree, should at LEAST have lived on his own for a few months at some point in his life? He said that he tried to get a place in college, but it fell through. But....*shakes head* maybe it just smacks too much of an overly dependant relationship between him & his momma.....and I don't think ANY woman with sense wants a momma's boy of THOSE dimensions.

*shakes head*

Speaking of golddiggers, Hubby set up a profile on YahooPersonals, and he got a response from this one chick almost immeadiately. She said that she was out of the country, settling her late fathers estate (in West Africa - and she's Asian, but looks white/latina) , but she was coming back yesterday....and she wanted him to pick her up at the airport. Hmm...okay - but no. He told her that he had to work, but maybe they could meet up once she got back. We get home last night, and she's written him back - to ask that he WIRE her 500 bucks to pay off her hotel bill, and that maybe when she gets back to the states maybe they could get MARRIED - I told him he should tell her that bigamy is illegal. *ROFLOL*

Ummm......I figure it's a scam of huge proportions, and I wonder how many men she's (he's) sucked in with it. But I mean - damn! Asking someone you've talked to all of TWICE (through email none the less) for 5 big ones? AFTER you've told him that you are settling your fathers estate? And maybe this is a rude/crude sterotype, but being Asian, I'm assuming that she has a rather large extended family. I mean - come on!! How boo-boo the fool does she think he is? *LOL* Most amusing. Seriously.

closing the cage....

Well....it didn't go nearly as well as it could have, and yet, it turned out so much better than I expected. I love my Hubby, if I haven't explictly stated that before. He is SO much of my heart it's kinda scary - and ahh....well....let's do the recap shall we?

I go to pick him up from work, and for the FIRST time since he's had this job, he tells me he's had a horrible day. I know (without him saying so, though he later did admit it) that a good part of his horrible day was from fears/worries about my 'bombshell' so to speak.

So....we talked. Lord, did we talk. His first response?? 'I married you so I wouldn't HAVE to share you - I'm cool with sharing you with women, but I'm not comfy with you fucking other niggas.' *sigh* At least he's honest, ya know?? And - I was cool with that. Really - I AM. It's - *shrugs* oddly enough, it felt like more of an opening, once all was said and done more so than anything else. I've slammed into his boundaries - and with that ugly/horrible/dreadful confession out of the way - I feel - freer? Hmm...I guess confession is good for the soul. Anyhow - we talked - and talked - and talked for about 3 hours - the kind of talking that's - still not quite comfy for me...hm.

Sidebar:

One of the things I've noticed about myself is that the more I love someone, the more emotionally vulnerable I am - which makes sense. The - odd - thing about me, is that I tend to WITHDRAW emotionally from those I love - because I'm utterly TERRIFIED of them using that free pass to my heart to hurt me. So I can be a very blunt, randy, mouthy, utterly open and honest person with people I DON'T know - whereas I have a hell of a hard time even APPROACHING that brand of openess with people I love.

End Sidebar

So - where did we end up?? More or less in the same place we started, but some of the - delicacy is gone. We are going to try some new & fun things....and he DID say that maybe a few years down the line (once his possessiveness has eased a little) at least we both know where I stand.

au revior!!

The family was here, but now they are gone. It was fun having them here - I wish my uncle would have come - but oh well. He's having girlfriend drama. *rolls eyes*

Apparently, the bugs are sitll in love with me. Every TIME I step foot out of the house and am not covered from head to toe, I get bit. The latest is a huge bump on the back of my thigh - ouch, ouch, OUCH!! I actually have a piece of tape on my ankle so that I won't break the skin when I scratch  - and silly me, I left the topical benadryl at home today. *itchscratchitchscraaatch* Ah. I can't wait til I'm no longer itchy.

What else? Got my IUD pulled out yesterday - it's a fascinating little piece of equipment - but it was MUCH bigger than I expected it to be. Hurt like hell pulling it out - she didn't dilate me like they did when they put it in, and ouch. But - the cramps only lasted for about 20 minutes, so no real complaints. I got a Nuvaring and put that in this morning - hopefully the hormones won't make me all crazy & stuff like the pill did - talk about being on an emotional rollercoaster.

What else? Blahblahblehblehbleh.

I still want to go to the ocean. Camping was fun *itchscratch* but - *sigh* I need some ocean.

releasing the inner beast

First things, I did something VERY fun and VERY naughty Friday when I went to pick Hubby up. I was TRYING to get off before he called, and he called before I could - so I brought my vibrator with me, and gave myself a LOVELY orgasm on the way to get him. RAWR!! I thought for sure I would get into an accident....but I made it safely. heheh....

---

In other, MUCH more important news.......

I got THROUGHLY drunk on *thinks* Saturday night, I believe it was, and fessed up to the Hubby.

I told him - I would like to 'sample' other men. I've been reading 'The Ethical Slut' again, and well - every TIME I read that damn book I realize that it SCREAMS me. Hello - this is me. So - I basically told him by starting out with 'Darling, I think I'm a slut.', and went on from there. High points - I told him that I think that - I've never learned how to leave the door of my sexuality halfway open - I can't 'be' straight, and I don't THINK that my full sexual persona knows HOW to express itself with one person....and that being able to touch/suck/rub on other people, would free me to be able to TOTALLY turn him out. The conversation actually went SUPRISINGLY well - he heard me, and listened to me, and the top of his head didn't fly off at any point in time. So - it went well.

The next day (Sunday) we had a quickie in the kitchen right before my family got here (heheheh) and then later he mentioned that he was sure that we could work things out in a way that would make us both happy....he's mentioned it several times - just little comments that let me know he's thinking about it. He said that his biggest fear/worry is hearing me make a noise with someone else that I've never made with him, and with me exploring/doing new things with someone else that I haven't done with him. Of course, and easy thing to solidfy that would be to say that anything I do new, I do first with him...that would be no problem. The sounds/expressions/reactions thing - eh, I don't know. I'm kinda trying to warm him up for a party that some of the local swingers are throwing next Saturday.....just to soften him up for the experience (if we go....which I hope we do).

So - I come home from work today, and find this waiting for me in Notepad:

Why does my wife want to fuck everybody? I've never had an issue with women but if you wanted to fuck other guys why did you marry one? If having any woman you want and just one man isn't enough..........I just don't know. Am I STILL missing somthing? If you have always felt this way, it is very unfair of you to bring it all out now that we are married. I guess better now than never.

My response (which I'm putting together in here on the fly) is going to be:

It's not that I want to fuck EVERYBODY - ick. I'm sure you didn't mean that in an indiscriminate way, but - quite simply, I'm pretty picky. And honestly, unless we are at a swing party, and are doing full swapping, I doubt that I'll find many (if ANY) men that I would fuck rather than you.

With that said, I married you because I love you. As simple (and complicated) as that. Are you still missing something? Kinda yes, and kinda no. Remember - I'm exploring myself within the limits of a long term relationship for the first time - and in my previous relationships, I did cheat on occasion - but I don't want to break the commitment that we've made to each other by cheating, so instead I'm trying to open up, and let you know what's really going on in my mind sexually. Remember how I tried for the first few years that we were together to be 'straight'? And I realized that closing off half of my sexuality dampened my WHOLE sexual being? In a somewhat similiar way (and I'm cringing as I say this - but it's truth) I think that - I might not be sexually monogamous.

So have I ALWAYS felt this way? Yes, and no. I've never HAD to feel this way, if that makes any sense. None of my previous relationships broke up because of anything major - it was more just me deciding that I didn't want to be with that person anymore - and only once was it because I WAS cheating on that person, and decided that I didn't like the feeling - the guilt - of worrying about whether I would get caught. And - hah - I've ALWAYS been free (prior to being married) to having the - option of straying - or at least getting damn close to it. Now that I AM married - that's just not an option - I'd much rather try to work out something between the two of us that allows me to - be my full sexual self. And yes, I do think that involves me having at least the - option - of sleeping with other men. Do I have anyone in mind? Nope - haven't even (and you KNOW how many men try to talk to me) found anyone that MIGHT peak my interest like that.

---

So.... what do ya'll think? Am I handling this right?? I think so - I think that......we CAN work this out. We just have to work through is fears. For ya'll that swing/are poly (CW and CuriousHubby mainly) was this something that ya'll came to AFTER you were married, or something that was already known ahead of time.

Damn - that was fast

Okay.... I knew all I really needed to do was to sit down and FOCUS for a second... here's the synposis of my first book (in progress).

The iLillium Chronicles - Book One
Dark Moon City

One downside of being abandoned and then adopted is that you have no clue who your biological family is - and for the last 25 years, Jacy Waycand has had no problems not knowing who gave birth to her. There are others, however, who know exactly whose descendant she is, and who will have no reluctance in using her to futher their quest for the ultimate power. They are the iLillium. Every faith has a secret sect - the Catholics have Opus Dei, the Muslims have Ikhwan , the Hindus have Thugee - and the Jews have the iLillium. Inheritors and users of the magic of Lillith, Adams’ first wife who refused to be subjectgated, they ruled the medivial world from the shadows with magic and sorcery, but they were always limited by not having access to the full knowledge that Lillith held - and they could not find a way to coerce her to reveal the full list of Words of Power. 600 years later, they’ve finally discovered a mothers weak spot as well as her final resting place, and they plan on using Jacy as a pawn in the ultimate power play.

 

Fridaze....

Ummm. Hi?

This week has gone by in a blur of blurriness. My family arrived yesterday (sans my uncle, as usual *roll eyes*) and I spent the whole evening getting them settled in. It was very nice seeing them though - I've missed my mom & gramma. *pppppppphbt* Uncle.

This weekend? Um........hanging out with them, I suppose.  They are most likely coming over the house tonight - we are thinking about grabbing some takeout/something to go, and eating at our house - which should be fun. Hah. We soooo have no food in the fridge, so yeah - it's good that we plan on bringing something back.

Um. Bored STUPID at work. Stupid I tell you, stupid. And the consistent/persistant sleepiness doesn't help. Of course, if my ass got to BED before 1am, that might help a lot, ya think?

Talked to my doc yesterday - she confirmed that my IUD is remarkably low in the uterus, and it's NOT that it doesn't work anymore, but the efficienty is severely reduced. Going to see her MONDAY to get it yanked (ouchie - I hope that hurts less than putting it IN did) and to get a script for the NuvaRing - it makes no sense to get another one, as the shortest time they have is five years (which is the one I have now) I refuse to do Depo *shudder* and I'm even slightly nervous about going back to the hormonal stuff, as I became a miserable raving bitch on the Pill, but we shall see. Condoms suck. Gah, how I wish we could afford for me to get knocked up. It would be so much simpler. I wonder how that sponge thingy works.....maybe I should try that? But messy....ew. I've loved not having to THINK about it. I'm gonna miss my little tin man.

Umm....good seafood in Memphis?? Any suggestions??

*blinks* I've actually been writing  - I've got about four chapter of one of my favorite ideas done. Okay three and a half. I'm trying to write the adoption story now, and my brain is too damn dead to be properly creative - the right idea hasn't tweaked me yet. I refuse to think about what I'm going to do after writing it - besides rewriting it, of course. If I can keep up this rate of writing, I think I'll be done with the first draft by the middle of next month - which as I understand, is the easy part. It's odd - even considering how much I read, there are lots of things about WRITING I'm utterly ignorant of - like how the heck to do write dialouge? What's the proper punctuation? I've been really anal about keeping track of some of my most hated quirks in a book - weird timing, and....something else. Hell, can't remember what it was now. I think that today, I'll write the synopsis. Every time I tell someone I'm writing - they ask (naturally) what it's about - and I stammer and mutter and finally pull something out of my ass. So yeah, doing that. What genre? Fantasy, I suppose you would say.

Okay - now that I've gotten something short and basic to focus on, I'll do that.

I think that's another reason I've been writing here less - I'm usually actually writing, so journaling is like - eh. I try to note - but sometimes....brain fart. I think I might start leaving blank notes - I'm thinking of ya'll.....

wow

Someone - and I'm going to have to go through my notes again to figure out who - suggested that we try tantra to see if it helped us any. On that bit of advice, I went online, looked at some stuff, and finally, when I was in a bookstore a couple of weeks ago, I picked up a tantra book, and started reading it.

One of the things that they pointed out was that sex, so often, is focused on the other person - that our expectations are based on how the other MAKES us feel, rather than how WE feel - if that makes sense.

Anyhow - last night, I'm heading off to bed - a tired gal, as it was around 1am. Hubby asked if I wanted some company - and while I was kinda - eh, I said sure. As we got into it, I decided that instead of thinking about what was going on - I would immerse myself in how I felt, rather than how what I was doing was making him feel. I also tried to STOP thinking - just to totally be my feelings, and to react/vocalize only that. I also had to let go of my - expectations. If I wanted him to go faster at a certain point, and he slowed down, I didn't get upset about him NOT doing what I expected - instead I just moved my awareness of what was going on BACK to what was going on.

Wow. It was - stellar. It was - kinda like it used to be. Such an amazing array of FEELINGS - not emotional mind you - maybe a better way to say it would be - such a wide array of SENSATIONS - that are always there - but normally - I just don't feel them. It was - wow. Powerful and wonderful and high-enducing. For the first time in a long time, I laid there afterwards with a grin on my face - it was FUN. Mind you, I still wasn't really up for a second round - but *evil grin* neither was he.

*shakes head*

It's odd how I get to breakthroughs - I'm just so damn slow. It's like watering a baked clay - you've got to do it for a while, and give the clay time to absorb the water before any real results are seen. So - I'm going to keep trying this - internalizing - and see if the return to me helps us out. Hm. :)

So....I was thinking....

It's interesting where ones brain can take you if you aren't careful. So - I started out looking at books that we could take camping with us, to help us identify good/bad plants & animals. Then somehow, I drifted onto the backpacking section, and then somehow, I drifted into books focusing on women backpacking. That gave me the urge to go and look for blogs about women traveling the world - solo. Then, I thought - wow. That would be really cool - to travel the world, solo - and I started looking for a map - just to see where I might want to go.
Mind you - this is almost totally dream imagery - it would take huge amounts of money, and time, and just stuff. And as of right now - it's just kind of a cool THOUGHT - but.........hey - you never know what might happen in life, right?

Oh! The places I would WANT to go:
World Traveling
Egypt
Greece
Italy
Austrailia
Japan
Brazil
Peru
India
Nigeria
Kenya

Cities, why, and so forth will come later......*grins* This might be a fun little bit of imagery to do.

Let's see- how would I do it?? Not roughing it, but with only enough to carry with me at all times - basically, a backpackingtrip....but I'd be willing to stay in hotels, take hot showers, fly airplanes, and the whole nine. What do you call that? I'd want to carry a couple of changes of clothing, a couple of journals, plenty of extra memory cards, my camera, money, personal items, shoes, and a book or two, maybe a laptop - that would make life much easier, a sleeping roll (just in case)....hmmmm - some digestive medicine - anything else I might need, I could buy on the path, I suppose. I should learn French and Spanish...those two should get me through all of the countries I wanna go and see...maybe not perfectly, but at least well. *LOL* I'd be a black version of those hippie kids you see walking around airports looking all funky- at least I already have the dreadlocks - and the trip would help me lose weight too.

Hmmm...reading Art of Travel - European and World Backpacking On $25 a Day or Less... it's good..... :)

dream memory....

Entry two for today.

Hmm......had this dream as I was waking up this morning - thought it was odd/interesting...

I was at home - going upstairs to take a shower, and there was this HUGE flying thing floating around.  Somehow, I managed to corner it in the bathtub, and I turned on the shower to kill it. I felt horrible when I realized that it was a HUGE black/turquoise/pale green butterfly..... but it was dead. I pulled it out of the water, and tried to dry it off to keep, but for some reason I couldn't.
Suddenly - the scene switched, and I was about to climb into a little canoe on some river to travel with some people (I think I was the nanny), but I refused to leave until the butterfly had been pressed/preserved - so me & another fellow (I think he was a priest) stayed on shore while the others left, and we gently pressed the butterflies body into his bible.
Then - I'm in Geneva, standing on a corner, talking to a mostly bald woman who reprimands me for being so rude to my employeers and refusing to leave until the butterfly was honored, and told me that I needed to hurry and get to the house we were going to before I didn't have a room. Then, some strange man came up to her, and started kissing her, and pushed her head into the wall  - which was made of some soft gooey putty kind of stuff that stuck to her bald head.
I was then walking up the street where the house was - my employers were sitting on the porch of the house across the street with a little girl who had blond hair, pulled up into a ponytail that was somehow about 6 inches high - like her hair was putty too and it had been pulled up into a point. I walk into the house, and three cats come out of a side room and start meowing at me. I want to find my room, and I hope that it's the same room I had before, so I open the door to the steps and go upstairs. I realize that there is a door on the steps to prevent the cats from going upstairs, which makes sense, as none of the rooms upstairs have doors. The room that used to be mine is moslty filled with twin size mattresses, all covered in burgandy sheets, and other random stuff that belongs to other people. I start to go up the next flight of stairs, and realize that there is a door on a ledge over the stairs that go back downstairs, and I try to figure out how to get on the ledge so that I can see if that room is empty.
That's when I woke up.

Writing it out, I think that every 'break' was me waking up enough to hit the snooze button, and I fell back into the dream at a slightly different point each time. Weird dream though - the butterfly was from the ones that we saw while we were camping - there were some HUGE butterflies up there. The rest of it - I've no clue - and while the house I was in seemed familiar - it wasn't The House that I usually dream about.

Somewhere in there was M, one of my really good friends, and I remember thinking how lovely his hands were.

It's been a while....

since I've written - but I just haven't really been in the mood. Been noting occasionally, but that's about it.

What's new today? Hm. London - *sigh* I feel just as bad for London as I do for Baghdad, and that's all I'm going to say about that.

Holiday - went camping with the hubby - learned that if you are going to suck dick in a tent, do that BEFORE you try to jerk him off with Off! covered hands. Bllleech.

Work - played hooky yesterday - due to severe over indulgence in tequila the night before, combined with an hour or two of crying - we started talking about what sort of car he should get, somehow moved onto the subject of kids, I broke down in tears and finally told him about my suspected miscarriage while we were ON OUR HONEYMOON. Geh. I'm such a girl. Anyhow, everything is better.

Sex - had some hot steaming sex AFTER I stopped crying. It started out good, and then right in the middle I was like - ugh. I'm done (and no, I hadn't had an orgasm) but he wasn't done yet, so - yeah, whatever.

Therapy - saw her yesterday, didn't have much to say - doubt that I'll ever go back - it's just like bleh. She wasn't helping/interested in what I see as my ROOT issue, she was just all about me giving it up to hubby. And yeah, that's gotten easier - but it's more like *shrugs* sure - here - whatever, rather than the RAWR!!! Jump me jump YOU that I would like.

Smoking - I'm actually enrolling myself in a 'stop smoking' study combining Zyban and the patch. Really, I just want the free drugs, but as I figure that there MIGHT be a possiblity that the perfect, wonderful, four year long birth control I've been using might have to be REMOVED - well, hell.....I still think it's too early, but - as the light of my life said - we've pulled shit together faster than anyone might think possible before....so....who knows? Besides, I wanna see what I'm like on anti-depressants. But then, I might be getting a placebo....so....damn, I want the real stuff. I wonder if there is anyway to test and see if I'm getting Zyban or a placebo. Though, considering placebos have been proved to work almost as WELL as the real stuff, does it really matter.

Speaking of which - drug studies are such bullshit. Did you know that when they do studies, all they have to prove it that it works better than NOTHING, not that it works any better than something that is already on the market - or even something that might be available over the counter. *snort* such bs.

Saw a commercial last night for some drug that they are marketing to people undergoing chemo for cancer - it boosts your white cell counts. Me & Hubby immeadiately looked at each other and said - that HAD to be developed orginally for AIDS....

Okay. I think I'm done.

I'm ALIIIVVVEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

And really - had an utter shiteload of fun!!

Recap: We (read me, after much research, spreadsheet creating, and cross referencing) decided that we were going to go to Fort Pillow State Park. Funnily enough, there is also a state penitentary in the area, and everytime we told people we were going to Fort Pillow, they got this funny look on their face - we had to remember to add STATE PARK after it everytime. 
So - having made this decision Wednesday night, and having decided to get there early FRIDAY morning so that we could be sure to get a good site, that left Thursday for me to run around and gather ALL of the crap that we needed. I left work at 4:45, and got home around 9pm (as all the stores had closed by then). I packed, attempted to freeze drinks, washed clothes, packed, repacked food to reduce the amount of trash, and dried clothes. Then, I had to go pick up C at midnight (yes, MIDNIGHT!) and we got back to the house, packed more, finally packed the car, and we were on the road by 5am.  Notice, there was no mention of SLEEP in any of that. Uh-uh.

We drive (and it was a lovely drive) there, and JUST as we pick out a campsite, the heavens open. I wish I had taken a picture of us, soaking wet, tired as hell, after we finally got the tent up (the brand new tent, that we never practiced setting up before), but with big ass grins on our face. We climbed in the tent aroun 9am, and crashed for the next five or so hours.

After that - EVERYTHING was peachy. A raccoon jacked us TWICE - he got the masrhmallows and bread the first night, and some leftover pork and beans the second. The weather was gorgeous - there was NO ONE up there but us - a couple of people drove by, but no one else camped out.  We did NOTHING for three days. Chilled, ate, drank, played with the fire, played cards, ate some more, stared at the sky, sprayed ourselves, the tent, the chairs with Off!, drank some more, went to bed with the sun and woke up around 9am, but since we didn't have any clocks/watches we really weren't sure (and didn't care, to be honest).

Monday morning, we woke up, FINALLY cooked breakfast (we had been eating about one meal a day) and decided that it was HOT. We climbed into the car to watch Hero on my computer, and decided that - okay, it's HOT - and that we should pack it in and head home, so that I could have a day off at home too.  Can I TELL you how glad I am that he came up with that idea? WE broke camp, piled back into the car, and were home by 5pm.  By 7pm, it was POURING. I'm talking high winds, tornado warnings, lightening, thunder, the WHOLE nine. We would have been MISERABLE on the side of that mountain (okay, it was a little mountain, but STILL!!)

So. That was our camping trip. Lessons learned?? 1) Bring a hatchet. 2) Bring LOTS of bug spary - the deterrent kind and the killing kind. 3) Racoons are smart - and GREEDY.  4) Bring fewer clothes. 

I've got pictures (a few) but of course, they are all at home - I'll have to post them later.......

Edit: Also, three showers and a deep hairwashing later, my hair STILL smells like Off. And campfire - but mostly Off.