Excuse me while I Vomit.

It was a waste of time for me to eat lunch today, because I messily vomited when I read the last series of emails from AG and Papi.

He is trying to say that I should have known that they were in a relationship from reading his diary, and that fact most likely wouldn’t have stopped me anyway. Last year, that would have been true, I didn’t give a fuck. This year, no…sex & love aren’t that fucking casual for me anymore.

She is saying that I am in a state of delusion, where love has me blind. I am, and I cannot lie and pretend not to be. But with each email that she sends me, the disgust and revulsion grows.

I can’t take it anymore. I can’t let my heart be played with. I really don’t even give a fuck whether she thought they were in a relationship…that is a mind thing, and there is no proof of that but her words (which my stupid heart may try to convince me to doubt). But the sex, the emails, the phone calls referred to in the emails, I am sick. A month… one fucking month and he was cheating on me already.
Emotional infidelity is so much worse than physical infidelity because you can never fix your mouth to say, “She didn’t mean anything to me”. Phone sex, is just as sexual as sticking your dick in somebody. Salacious emails, are just as damning as the best of voice taps.

And the fucked up thing is…the only thing he is denying is the fact that they were in a relationship…everything else manages to slide by and get avoided.

excuse me…. I think I am going to be sick again.

Lies & Bullshit

I’m cold like ice, fighting the doubt and the disbelief with all that I have in me, with all the trust and the love that I hold. I know he is bullshitting me, *shrugs* without a doubt, and I shan’t sit here and pretend other wise.

The problem? Papi, the man that I love, that I am in love with, was actually in a relationship with another woman when he made his pledges of love to me. They ‘broke up’ roughly two or three days later, and he never bothered telling her that he was with me. Did I know that they were ‘together’? No… I knew that there was something forming…but that it was formed & whole & a real relationship? No...*sighs* I remember us talking that weekend about how AG (awaygirl) would react when she found out…and I remember saying that since you all (Papi & AG) had no real relationship, she may be upset and it may prove that the feelings that she said he still had for me and that he was denying having actually existed, , but that she was cheated on??

*shakes head* Oh mercy no…

And now the shit has hit the fan, and I don’t know what to do. Is there proof? Yeah…. in the simple matter of the dates that different things occurred. In the fact that when I went to see him, I was under the impression that he was free as a bird, that after his last g/f he had not been in a relationship. In the fact that he has been suspiciously quiet in this forum about us, and our future lives together. And what makes it even uglier, is the fact that we are both here in this place, and that we know of each other. I read her diary on a daily basis….

So what am I to do??

I could let go, just say fuck it…another piece of hurt to add to the list of men who have done wrong, but that is not what my heart wants. Mercy knows, there are something’s about him that worry me, that make me think that he needs some time & space to learn that taking responsibilities for your own actions is an important part of life, is something that all of us have to do, no matter what has been done to us.

But with all that….I still plan on staying. Even as my hands go cold with nausea at what he has done to her, even as my stomach clenches up in disgust at the things he has said to her, even through all that… I plan on staying. I am not ready to say that this ‘thing’ that we have has run its course. That this is the last chapter of what I had hoped would be a much longer book. Does that place me in denial? Oh hell yes…because I believe her, I simply do not doubt her words. And in my heart & head, I don’t believe him… its just too…pat. And that adds to my nausea because I am sitting her saying….that this man who I know cheats on his girlfriends on a regular basis….I am not leaving. Before him, even the minor suggestion of such a thing was enough for me to say it ‘fuck it…. I’m out of here’ But now, me the Queen of the Second Chance….is saying…. it’s okay.

Yes, I am needy. I know that, and I know that a lot of it is because of what has happened in my life this year. And yes, I am going to try to keep this ‘thing’ that me & Papi have going on…. how much of a fool that may make me, I don’t know. And the fact that I am willing to be made a fool of scares me. That I KNOW that Papi is uncounted miles away, and that it was a random chance that we (myself & AG) ever even had the conversation that led to this…shit hitting the fan.

Mercy I am sick. Talk about pulling the wool over my own eyes. I KNEW there was a reason that he never wrote about us in his diary… dammit I should have been more suspicious. And I think the thing that is letting me say that this is all good, that I can keep on keeping on in this ‘thing’ we have, is the fact that in the back of my mind, something is saying “ well really…. he didn’t do anything wrong to YOU”
fuck.

Stay Jazzed

Cold Like Ice

I rarely get upset...but when I do.. I get cold. Icy cold like I stood outside in January in Alaska and tilted my head up to the snowy sky.
Fuck that. I am pissed off right now. I am like ice, frozen from my fingers to my heart.
I made promise when all this began...Don't hurt me or I will fucking hurt you back. And I meant that shit with every breath I have taken since then, every heart beat that has pumped.
I think you have hurt me. I have been told from a very good source...using your own words, that shows me that you have hurt me. And even if you could pull out an excuse from somewhere that made the hurt less...you have fucked up son....and the silence of the past day hasn't helped your case any.
I think the whole world knows that I believe in second chances...I'm listening.....

Stay Jazzed.

I never could color in the lines....

It’s odd how the further I seem to get into the norm of the world ( a corporate job, an expensive apartment, ONE man rather than an assortment of people *grins* ) the further out I want to pull myself.

I have always been a little different, a little out of step with the rest of the world. And as things occur in my life that bring me towards a state that I am more in step, I start to madly hunt for something that will shift me back, something that insures that I keep that gap between who I am and what the norm is. Towards that end, not too long ago (almost a year…) I got my tongue pierced. I had a very logical reason for it, in that I wanted a reminder of the fact that everything that comes out of my mouth has power to alter and change others, and that I should be cautious with that power.

So, now I am about to start a new job, in a new city, and I will most certainly have to take out the tongue ring (the step towards conformity). So, I have been searching for something that will allow me to remain … jazzy. So. I have decided on two things… more really, but it boils down to two things. I want to be trained to be a bartender, and I want to get a tattoo. Now, the bartending thing is a two-fold kind of thing. I know that I have a tough time finding things to do outside of my house. That if left alone I will stay in the house and molder, just kind of plug myself into the internet and deal with people through this medium rather than in real life.

I want to change that about me, and I figured that working somewhere where people are…well there. Constantly, and a lot of them. Almost like being a bus driver, you learn a lot about people by watching them in their settings. Yes I know, I am still being anthropological about it, but that is how I best function. The second reason is that I need money. Not badly no, because I will be getting a nice little paycheck. But for one thing we only get paid once a month (which sucks) and two, I really really really want to pay off all off my bills & start a fuck-ya fund by 2002. The fuck-ya fund will just be a savings account of money, that I don’t touch unless I come to a point in my employment that I just have to say to the world in general ‘Fuck ya’, and know that I will be able to live long enough to find another job & another place to live if need be.

The tattoo on the other hand, is a much more personal thing. My online name (my inner name as I call it sometimes) means New Woman. And in that meaning it also has the meaning that this new woman is constantly growing and creating herself, changing into herself and out of herself all at the same time. I have wanted to turn this in to a tattoo for a good while, but I could not figure out how to represent all that into something beautiful that I am willing to have placed on my skin for all eternity. I have been considering using Kanji, which is Japanese script, but… I am not sure. I know where I want it, and I know that I would like to lose some weight before I get it put there. : ) It is not a matter of me looking at it, it is a matter of me being willing and able to display it, and where I want it…umm a few changes will have to be made first.


I want to stay a little outside of the printed lines that define most people. I always want to be more than a little different, more than a little odd. Is it too unnatural for me to consciously shape myself into something different, or is it simply a matter of taking control and doing things for my life that I want to be doing?

Stay Jazzed.

Let It Flow

Sometimes I feel sooooo inadequate. I know things, and cannot find the words to share my knowledge with those who need it. I am not a word smith, I can be honest about that. When I look at the world around me, I don’t see stories or tales or poems, I see images and lighting and scenes. I work best, and I can acknowledge that, as a photographer.

But there are times that I wish that I could flow, that what I feel could be transformed into what I am saying, that the barrier between emotions and emoting did not exist. Reading diaries here has been causing that gap in what I need to say and what I can find words to say to become even clearer and more obvious. And I wonder, is it a matter of training? Is it a matter of hunting in silence for long periods for just the right words, and then suddenly letting it all flow? Or is it a gift, like being double jointed, that if you are lacking you can’t do the things that those who have do?

And then add in the fact that I KNOW that I have been known to be painfully blunt, though I honestly can’t remember having hurt anyone with my words. However, the fear is always there that if I let myself go in the ways that I need to, that all behind me will be the hearts and friendships of a lifetime, so I bite my tongue and candy coat my words and start to wonder how I can speak the truth through all of the honesty that is stuck in my throat. And I can’t understand why I can’t ‘flow’ . *deep breath*

Ultimately what it comes down to is fear, fear of others, fear of myself. Because I know in many things, I would prefer to hear the sweet truth that doesn’t hurt, and I try to give others that same chance. Even when I KNOW that what I need to hear is painful, and what I need to accept will hurt my heart & soul, I still prefer to hear candy rather than truth. I am trying to live a life free of fear, but it is so hard. How can you ever willingly open yourself up to pain? I have never been a machochistic person, never been one to look for pain, mainly because I think that I have had enough of it to not need to find more. But…sometimes that is the only way that you can grow, and to ignore a means to growth is to ignore a portion of life. Mercy knows I would never want to ignore any of part my life that I could grow from. *sighs *

So, here is a new guideline for me, a new approach to life. I will speak plainly, trusting in the love that I have & show to dull & dim the pain. I will face my own truths, and lose the candy. I will clear my throat of the honesty that blocks my truth, and I will learn to flow.


Stay Jazzed.

Minimalist Passionate Energy

I’m all restless and stuff. I am actually tired, but at the same time I have all of this energy. I think that I will go home and organize my pictures. It is getting closer & closer to the time for me to start throwing out/giving away all the unneeded stuff I won’t be using in the move. *deep breath * I will make it through all of this.

I realize that the reason that most of my entries tend to ramble is because am just spitting out what is in my head.. what ever happens to flow from my brain to my fingers at that moment.

I noticed something about my life… my taste I suppose you could say. I tend to surround myself with simple things, life pared down to the most basic level of being. My clothes, my apartment, my furniture, the color of my OD. And I finally figured out WHY… I have always wanted to be… a flower. No… a vine. Something simple and fragile looking but in reality tenacious & strong as hell. And the one thing I am not is fragile looking. I have the potential...but I would never want to be THAT skinny…besides it would also require surgery… anyway… I surround myself with things that are the bare minimum of themselves because I am not the bare minimum of myself. Maybe once I reach a point when I don’t feel like I belong almost in the woodworks.. my tastes will change to something a bit more flashy…

The reason I noticed this is because as I was cruising one of the malls, and hitting alll of the jewelry & furniture stores ( guess where most of MY disposable income will be going) I realized that I gravitated towards the simple designs, the geometric patterns. REALLLLY basic stuff here… minimalist. And I wondered why…and came to the conclusion that by surrounding myself with things of minimal lines…I fell more minimal myself. * ugh * talk about the beauty myth hmmm?

What else has been going on? Nothing much… trying to read up on Pilates and see if I can do them alone, or if I need to be in a class. From the sound of it I need to be in a class, simply because if you are not doing them EXACTLTY right, they won’t work, and for most of them, you can’t really watch yourself doing. Ah well…. I have also been looking into schools in Indy so that if there is any issue about me & my class I can say but SEEE…. I have already started looking & requesting applications and stuff. My only problem would be working around the classes… or scheduling my classes around the work hours. However.. since Lilly has a flex time program.. I might just have to work something out… scratch that… I WILL have to work something out….

I need to develop a passion… something that I know damn near everything about… and that I can talk about for hours. In other words something to bore people to pieces with….

This entry was originally a lot longer. Then the computer crashed & this was all word saved… and then I got into primping meself and said fergit about it… I’ll write more tomorrow…

Stay Jazzed.

Champange in the Streets!!

WHOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! *deep breath*
I said a WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

*grins* I got the apartment. Now I can let my mind go utterly buck wild and plan & design & plot and so forth & so on. I have a place to live, a job, and almost a degree!!!! *bounces* yes yes yes yes yes
*happy & joyful grin*
Annnnnd... I got a notice in the mail today regarding a magazine subscription that I had paid for but they lost track of me... so I get another year of Popular Photography. Is this a message that it is about time I pull my camera & film back out and start expressing myself again?? *grins* Life is JOOD. and i have an apaaaaaaaarrrtment!!!
*happy sighs* Can things be annny better???


Stay Jazzed.

Simple Simple Survey

A survey I found while drifting through random pages.

1. If you could be any kind of Campbell's Soup, which kind would you be? Clam Chowder, mainly because its so rich & creamy it's sensual somehow.

2. Your kids are with a great sitter. You have a week paid vacation and unlimited funds for the duration of your stay. Where in the world, one place, would you go? One of the private carribean islands.

3. Who would you take with you? (one person) Papi. or if we were not together, Nee.

4. Describe an unforgettable scene you've read in a book. In Dune, by Frank Herbert, there is a scene where Paul is being tested by the Mother Superior of the Bene Gesserat. The test is to prove whether he is human, or whether he is a beast in a man body's. The test involved Paul placing his hand in a box that creates unbelieveable pain, but he cannot remove his hand from the box or she will inject him with a poison that is held in the needle by the side of his neck. Paul's mother. Jessica is watching and praying that her son will prove to be human.

5. The movie "Close Encounters of the Third Kind"...if you didn't have kids, would you get on the spacecraft and go with them? Or say no and stay home? I would go. Even if I had kids, they would get packed up and we would ALL go.

6. Do you give money to people who ask for it on the streets? When I have it to spare, yes.

7. Do you ever dream that you're living in another time in history, like the French Revolution, or a futuristic place? I dream that I am royalty in a futuristic time, but then again I tend to act like royalty anyway.

8. Have you ever had your astrolgical chart done? Not professionally, but I 'did' it online once...

9. If so, did you feel it was an accurate portrayal of your persona and personal history? Oh yes. Rather scary considering how low grade the place I did it at was.

10. Given the choice, would you watch the movie Out of Africa, or the movie Pulp Fiction? Hmm, since I have never seen either, I think I would watch Pulp Fiction.

11. Which of the following grabs your interest first? Red patent leather sandals with an ankle strap and 4" heels; Sensible black leather walking shoes; glittery silver plastic platforms. oh... the sandals. WITHOUT a doubt, the sandals.

12. Which children's TV show do you remember best from your childhood? Seasame Street. When I heard they had changed the theme song I was pissed for days.

13. Favorite cheap junk food. Smartfood White Cheese Popcorn

14. Most underrated actor or actress of this time, in your opinion. Not sure, I'm not really into actors or actresses to be able to give a reasonable answer.

Stay Jazzed

Blood Matters (Calender)

Useful Links:
http://www.io.com/~brenda/cycles/index.html
http://www.googol.com/moon/


Timer
June 9th - June 13 2000 (5 days) Full Moon 15th - 17th
28 days
July 12 - July 17 2000 (6 days) Full Moon 14th - 16th
27 Days
August 14 - August 19th (6 days) Full Moon 14th - 16th
25 days
September 13-September 18 (6 days) Full Moon 12th - 14th
23 days
October 12 - October 18 (6 days) Full Moon 11th - 13th

December 27 - January 2 (6 days)

blabbing..blabbery blabbing

Ummm..I'm bored to say the least. Hm. I mean there are thing that I COULD be doing…like running around installing stuff on peoples computers…but I don't much feel like it. I don't know, there is something about a laptop that for some reason inhibits me writing just randomly. OR maybe it is the lack of a boss.
I KNOW no one is going to be like what is she DOING out there, so I am more relaxed. Yeah. That makes sense.

I have become a compulsive checker of my answering machine. I REALLLY want this place, and as I think I am starting to get on the leasing chick's nerves, I have decided not to call THEM until Friday. ArGH. A week and a half LONGER than it was supposed to take, but that is okay. So instead I am frantically calling my voice mail every 20 minutes or so to see if she had called and left a message. See, another reason why I don't need to be in an office of my own. *sighs * The stress is starting to get to me.

I am wearing glasses today. Since I normally wear contacts I tend to forget just how bad my vision really is. For example…I am sitting at a normal distance from the computer screen, working in Word that is at a normal size. If I took my glasses off, I would not be able to see the screen. I would see an expanse of white, with some blackish gray blurs on it. In order to actually SEE the words I would have to put my face roughly six inches away from the screen. *shakes head* and people wonder why I say I CAN'T see. *laughs* In the wrong pair of glasses I would go around living life like Mr. Magoo.

Since I am leaving early (to go to class) and won't get home until late, I think that I might actually go and get some lunch today. I am eating on borrowed time. I have made the firm pledge to myself that when I get to Indy, I will only bring the food that would be allowed under Dr. Atkins Diet, because I AM going to lose this weight. Even if I DON'T get the apartment, Lilly has workout facilities on their campus, and if I do, there is a workout room in the apartment complex. I am not going to go to Jamaica having to wear a ole one piece swim suit with a skirty thing cuz I have thunder thighs and a baby belly.

Nope nope nope. I'mma be slimmer & sexier & all that good stuff. I know I know I have said all of this many times before. But now ihave a goal, and a time line. Besides, at the rate that MY budget is going, I won't have the money to spare for food anyhow. I have decided that the best thing for me to do would be to continue to live like I am living now, like a po' (can't afford the or) and broke college student. Once I have all of my credit card bills paid off I will start having car payments bills to pay off.

Once those are done.. then I think I will start to live big baller style. OH… I KNOW I am odd but the thought of really & truly being able to SAVE money makes me excited. Ah. But I really really want that apartment. Ugh

Stay Jazzed.

Glug Glug Splash...

….I was a water baby today.

It’s amazing that every time this state announces an official state of drought, that is when it starts to rain every day. Coincidence? Maybe…maybe not. Anyhow… I had fun in the rain. It was that warm rain, the rain that makes you just WANT to jump in puddles and splash friends and pull out the super soaker and go a little crazy. As all of my friends are scattered in points north, and the streets aren’t QUITE clean enough for my adult sensibilities, instead I rushed home, stripped down to the essentials, threw on a wrap and stood on my back step, doing a little one two three giggle dance in the rain.

It was pouring at this point, solid sheets or warm water that felt like the firmest iron fingers within a silken glove. I was soaked in seconds, my hair dripping, my skin glowing, my underwear permanently soaked. And it felt SOOO good. I can’t remember the last time I have felt so much like a child. I wished I had a long thin tee-shirt so that I could really relive some childhood memories and go and run in the grass wearing nothing but a tee & some draws. Instead I stood on the stoop and splashed and danced and turned around in the rain holding my hands up to the sky like I was trying to catch wishes & dreams. I am sure if anyone had seen me they would have quietly called the men in the white coats, and told them to hurry, because this black woman had for sure gone crazy now.

I was ready to go inside as the rain started to ease up, a little chill from the breeze that had started to blow. Inside, I jumped directly into a warm shower, and continued my celebration of the meeting of water & skin & hair. I washed my hair and my body, because as wonderful as the rain is, I am nervous about what it might have pulled out of the sky along with it.

This was one of those days that is best spent at home, gazing out of the window at the water outside, occasionally dancing out to join it. This was a day to be curled up with a pet & a book & a lover...basking in love & relaxation. I couldn’t do any of that today…work called instead. But I think that I tried my best to make up for it, cuz for a few minutes at the end of my day…I was a water baby…

Stay Jazzed.

Today's Date

I have two fathers. One whose DNA I share, one who I followed through 9 years of my life. I wouldn’t wish either of them a happy father’s day.

I had visions of my biological father for the longest time. Visions of how he tried his best to be a father to this unexpected child, how he fought against his own immaturity & irresponsibility to become a man who could face a change in his life. I found out much, much later that he never really tried, because he was too busy running into other women’s arms, away from the woman he said he loved and the child he helped create.

I had hopes of something from my biological father for the longest time. Hopes that he would somehow acknowledge me, recognize me, his eldest child, his first baby. Hopes that one day he would BE there, trying to make up for all of the days he wasn’t there, trying to catch up to all of the pieces of magic that a child growing up is. I still hope, but I don’t know why.

My other father? I loved him for years, ignored his frailties, and disregarded his lies. It’s so easy for a child to be forgiving, to be blinded by the exuberant childishness of someone so much older. Children tend not to ask for much, just that you make them laugh, and you make them feel safe. So I loved him. Then I grew up. The years that he was gone, those hardest ones, the ones when I realized how much of a dynamic powerful person my mother was, those were the years that I grew up. I will never forget how we went from sleeping in car, to sleeping in a homeless shelter, to working for a rich Arab woman, to almost owning a home of our own. I grew up in those 3 years, and I learned what it really means to be a parent, to be responsible not just for yourself, but for someone else.

I learned that welfare is there to help those who need it, and that with enough belief in yourself, most people don’t need it for long. I learned about trust, and keeping your word, and standing on your own two feet, and facing what scares you the most, and sweeping it out the backdoor. And then he came back, and suddenly, I saw him for who he was. A man who couldn’t keep his word to his family, but prided himself on being a man of his word. A man who wouldn’t keep a job, yet prided himself on being a role model to the younger boys. A man who had no shame in being on welfare, but was ashamed that his wife graduated from college and he did not. A man who twisted a religion to fit his own ideals, and who made all the rules, and broke them just as easily. I saw him as the person who managed to break my mother down, the person who managed to change a dynamically powerful woman into someone who had no power at all.

What was the most important thing I learned from my father(s)? I learned that I have to be ready & able & willing to stand on my own two feet at all times, because trusting someone else to be able to stand on theirs can be a losing proposition. I learned that actions speak so much louder than words, and that words don’t mean shit. I learned that if I want to be somebody, and do something, I have to do it on my own, and be ready to pull others along. I learned that promises & disappointments go together, and that one lie found out my mean five more still in hiding. I learned a lot from my father(s).

Most of it I wished I hadn’t learned. I wished I had learned how to be a daddy’s girl, how to know that there was always a man in my life who was strong & stable as a rock. I wished that I had learned what a daddy is, rather than what a father is.

Happy Father’s Day…Mommy.

Stay Jazzed.

Private Dancer & Other Thoughts

Talk about a complete turn-around, a total reverse of ideas & thoughts. I remember that when I started this diary, I said that one of my goals, something that I wanted to do just once in life, was to be a stripper.

Last night I went to a strip club, and shall we just say that from THAT experience alone, yeech. I would never want to be one, for a myriad of reasons. However, I was told that the club we went to was a bit more low class *umhm* than many other clubs, and that the…mood I was looking for might be present in those. It’s odd, I never imagined how little strip clubs really have to do with sex. Or maybe not sex but desire. The women who worked there looked bored, like this was really of totally no interest to them. Most of the guys there looked weeded out and/or drunk, and stared at the women dancing as if they were blurry images on a TV and not flesh & blood people who were trying to arouse them. I mean that IS part of the purpose of a strip club right? To arouse, titillate and excite the patrons who visit…right? *grins* A nypmhpomanic would have ended up bored in THAT spot. But once again, maybe it was just that club. ;) Hmm, maybe I will go club-trolling one of these days and see what is really going on.

What else is going on in me life? Hmm… the apartment thing is cool, we are still working on getting all of the paperwork together for that. Me & mi papi are cool…odd and amazing and loving… but cool all the same. Classes are going okay, I checked the paperwork from Lilly and among the requirements there was nothing listed about having to have a degree. So it looks like I will be in school for a little bit longer, but I won’t have to worry about not having a job. (See Kelly, the chant works!) The only thing I am worried about now is having enough money to be able to pay all of the start-up bills that I will have to deal with when I get to Indy.

My Lilly money is just about gone, (tho I will get a bit back) and I am not sure how much my job will help a sista out, since I have to live off of that money from now on. *deep breath* hmmm that kind of segues me onto another topic that I want to mention rather quickly…not really talk about at this point, but mention.

My father has not acknowledged his graduation announcement. Maybe he didn’t get one, maybe his wife tore it up. But one of my mothers closest friends from college is married to one of his closest friends, and I am sure he would have found out that way. It’s odd, because I have never asked much of my father, never WANTED much from him. Why should I? But at the same time, it kinda hurts in an odd & twisted way that he could not take the time to acknowledge that his oldest child was graduating. I don’t know. *sighs* And of course the low level resentment I have around this time of year is simmering up to, so that really isn’t helping the issue. I’m not even going to pretend to be all big & noble and say that I would not appreciate a monetary response…I am not even going to PRETEND that is the case. But… I don’t know.. it seems that it might have been kinda nice just for him to say…go’head girl….witcha badass self. ugh.

But anyway…. I love my momma enough to make up for his loss five hundred times over.
I need to go and play with my hair. I colored it & put a ‘texturizer’ (baby perm) in it a while ago (Tuesday?) and I love the way it looks and acts…but it is simply DYING to be moisturized. so… love.. peace… & hair grease…

Stay Jazzed.

Big Dizzy Head

Ugh. I must remember never to drink after not having eaten all day…it isn’t good for the head.

My life, my life. my life…how’s it been? Busy as hell… the RatRace ™ exists and it has be in its grasp. But I’m enjoying it….ups & downs & bumps & bruises notwithstanding… life has been pretty good. Me? tired as all get out all the time, running or sleep or hungry. Simply haven’t felt like writing. Why? ugh. Who knows? nothing too vital to write about I guess…not that that ever stopped me before….It was more a thing of hmm… I don’t want to write. And there is nothing wrong with that. A few random notes of things I need to remember:

1) I have to go & get those pictures from the camera shop. Before they get posted on the internet.
2) Must get more sleep. Everyday
3) Never drink on a hot day after eating. Makes me head feel big as my house.

*sighs* I’m mildly down cuz I didn’t get the class I needed. The teacher wasn’t QUITE a bastard…but he had absolutely no sympathy, letter from the head of my department & all. So what to do now? *siiigghhs* Who knows….
uggha. Stay Jazzed.

so on and so forth

Lately, the subject of truth has been coming up a lot around me. Telling the truth, being truthful, defining truth, living a truthful life. Sometimes it’s harder than it seems, simply because you have to define what is true for yourself, and then defend that definition. And then there is the pain of revealing to yourself the lies that you live on a daily basis, the lies the shield & shelter you, those are the hardest to shed.

Living a truthful life means that I have to be much more aware of what I do and what I say every moment of the day. I have to remember that the truth is always easier to deal with, even if it hurts. I have to be conscious of the little ‘white’ lies that I tell to soothe others, and I have to calculate if it’s really worth it. I have to be aware of the jokes I make and the stories I tell, of the comments I casually toss about. But it brings me peace. I don’t think at the end of the day about what I should have changed, what I should have done differently.

Mercy. That sounds so stuffy & presumptuous. *sighs* I suppose it’s like some peoples religions, it gives them a foundation to always fall back on.
Enough babbling. I’m going to bed.

Song of the Night: ‘Saving Grace’

Stay Jazzed.

Late Night Terrors

Perhaps the biggest idiot there is is the idiot that you allow other to make you be. Not saying that I am being an idiot.. never that. It’s just those creeping fears and those historic aches that make me wonder. Why can’t I ever expound on that which makes me happy? Maybe because when I’m happy my mind has no room for serious thought, the endorphins take over.

Paranoid? Yes slightly, but as I told Wayne.. it’s what keeps me off of the 5 o’clock news. I Think that I am more afraid that I am setting myself up for something that simply won’t be what I am making it to be. That what I feel is not returned, and won’t be returned. That what I want simply won’t come to pass, and that I should start preparing myself for that now. But I don’t want to… I want to leave myself open to be hurt, and leave myself open to all the joy that I can touch as I work towards that point. Makes sense? maybe, maybe not… but it’s what I need to do. I think that right now… he is my healing. Even if it ends up hurting, he is what I need . The problem is…. am I what he needs? maybe…maybe not.


I going to tell myself it’s the hormones, that it’s just me settling into the cycle of life again, because I don’t think that I will be able to deal with it being anything else. I really want a baby. or at least I Think I want one. or at least I think I want the one I should have had. or at least I ache each time I see a small baby… each time I read about one. Sean’s story is so precious and I think of whose life I could have changed or made better.
I don’t know…. is this a delayed reaction? I am not regretting doing what I did… I am just looking forward to creating a stage in my life where I am ready & prepared to bring a life into this world. Suddenly it’s like all that matters is that I settle down, and create a foundation for me and mine so that I can create a family. But I just have to keep telling myself that at this point I’m just not ready…but then the thought creeps up…when are you ever truly ready? And am I trying to force this thing with Papi so that I will be ready sooner? and where is he? *siiiiighhs* And LittleOne doesn’t believe in love. Why am I not surprised?

Stay Jazzed.

Janus

*bouncy bouncy* Okay…. for me it only lasts for about a day…. and it makes me bluesy… shades of blue.

Umph… but anyway all about the place…which I don’t officially have yet, but the nice leasing lad y told me the longer it takes for me to her from her the better the chances are. *grins* any how… let me get into all the lovely details of my soon to be home. It’s in a high rise building with all the amenities (sauna. Jacuzzi, workout room. laundry facilities, pick up & deliver dry cleaning, covered parking.. all that jazz).
The apartment that I would get would be on the tenth floor, on the corner. The view that I have is of most of Indy (I’m on the NE corner) , but luckily it doesn’t face over downtown so I don’t have to worry about peeping toms & excess light. It’s a 990 sq ft. 2 bedroom, 2 bath place…with these lovely huge just WALLLS of windows… and since it’s NE I will get all the lovely early morning light (the not hot kind). It has gray carpets & white walls that I can paint and decorate & design…as long as I can change it back when I leave.

To say that I have been tripping a bit over this place is SUCH a huge understatement. I have duplicated the floor plan in a computer program that I have that lets you add furniture and all that jazz so I can see if how I want to set the place up will actually fit… and I have wasted too much time doing that. I am excited & thrilled & a whole bunch of other joyful joyful words. It costs a bit more than what I wanted to pay, but considering the fact that utilities are included…. *sighs* I can’t argue much.

But off to the dim side of the coin. I have summer school issues. As I went to register for summer school I found out that one of the classes that I need to take is full. Okay...that is bad enough… but the part that really tripped me up was the fact that the class time that I thought I could take was for the May session, which is obviously over at this point. The class that is being offered for this session… is not only full, but also at the same time as the other class I need to take.

*sighs* And since my school has already approved me for those two classes, I’m not sure how they would react to me switching to another class at this late point. * sighs* I was supposed to go and talk to my advisor today…but as I barely got out of bed…that wasn’t an option. So I’m on tenterhooks at this point. And then to add misery to miserableness… if I don’t take both classes I won’t be eligible for a deferment of my loans (cuz I won’t be in school at least part time). argh. But I am not worrying… yet. Not until I hear from my advisor will I start to worry. worry. worry. umph.

but the apartment is REALLLY nice. : )

Stay Jazzed.

Hormones, Anyone?

*smiles* All I have to say is PMS is a mess & a half.

Stay Jazzed.

Danger Will Robinson Danger

Somedays I feel so totally lost. Like there is something that I should be doing, or something that I NEED to be doing, that I can’t touch or even verbalize to myself. Melancholy they call it.. I think. I sit and want to let tears roll down my face for the simple pleasure of feeling something other than the dullness of my life. I feel like there is something surrounding me that I am just too bogged down in everything else to see, but when I look to find that everything else that is holding me back I find nothing that can be pared away, that everything I have I think I need…that everything I think I need is so much less than I want to have.

Sleep is a good cure for this.. drift away into a state where nothing exists… where all that is, is a figment of my mind… where nothing can intrude.

Maybe not lost… I feel like something is missing. like there is a hole where there wasn’t one before. a wound bleeding not blood but spirit. *sighs* maybe I’m just sleepy. This doesn’t seem to be one of those holes that prodding helps heal. *sighs* maybe I’m just lonely. maybe I’m just lost from the rest of the world. Maybe I’m just…drifting. Mercy forgive me.

argh.

Stay Jazzed.

The Prodigal Daughter Returns

In other words I'm back. For good now... the next period of mad upheaval won't occur until I move. *sighs* And now that I am BACK I am nervous about moving. I think I will really miss this city.
Anyhow.. much more laters about the trip and men and money and the like.

Stay Jazzed

Streets

i have called
too many places
home
in the few years
i have breathed
streets turn to blurs
of faint memories
and dreamed histories
that haunt each new step
i take


Stay Jazzed

BuhBye! (Again)

Ahh… once again I am almost on my way out of town. *smiles* I fell like the jet-set queen all of a sudden. Have I packed? nope. Is my hair done? Nope. Do I have a 7:20 am flight to catch? Yup. *sighs* I’m demented I tell you. simply mad. Anyhow…. this is just a brief note to remind myself to write this trip… I hope the weather nice…
*wanders away mumbling to herself*

Stay Jazzed.

Jazzy's Rules for Dating & Relationships

It is time for me to put together Jazzy’s Rules for Dating and Relationships. Because, I want/need someone to share my life with. And I will look for someone to share my life with, but there has got to be some guidelines to it. These rules will be added to, perhaps edited, but always followed.
1) Know his past dating history. If he has cheated before, he will cheat again. If it has been a few years since the last cheat, he MAY have changed, but beware.

2) He has to be able to talk about more than sports and sex.

3) He should have no problem with the concept of ‘No ring, no fucking’. The actuality can be something very different. :)

4) He has to have ambition, a sense of planning, and awareness that God helps those who help themselves.

5) He has to be able to take responsibility for his own life

6) He should be maturer than your average 19-year-old.

7) He should have a job.

8) He should be dependable, reliable, responsible, steady,and any other word referring to dependabilty. If he says he is going to do something, I shouldn’t have to worry about it getting done.

9) He should have been on his own for at least two years.

10) He is honest, and has no shame in admitting that he is dating other people.

11) When we argue, he should not cuss at me.

12) If we have been platonic friends for more than three years, LEAVE IT ALONE.

13) If you loan him money, and he doen't return it promptly, be worried.

14) He should be proud enough to stand up for what he believes in, and humble enough to admit when he is wrong.

15) He should not refer to other women as bitches, ho's, broads, tramps, skanks, sluts, or any other derogatory term.

16) He should have a healthy relationship with his mother, his sisters, his aunts, his cousins, his daugthers, his nieces, and any other female family member that he may have.

17) Gentle horseplay is good. Slapping and hitting is a felony. (thanks Rella!)

18) Pampering is a must, and it can go both ways. (thanks Zoe!)

That is all I can think of right now, but I am sure that more will come to memory and I will add them as they come up. If anyone can think of others that I need to add, please feel free to pull my coattail and let me know.
I will NOT stop growing and learning to love. I will NOT make my heart grow a hard shell. I will NOT assume that my emotional awareness is low. I will NOT lead a life bound by my fear of pain. I will learn. I will go forth with caution. I will grow and become more aware and more beautiful in my heart and my spirit.

Stay Jazzed.

Guidelines

life flashes by
the scents and sounds of memory
shimmer like a desert oasis

I look back over the year and a half I have been in the OD, and I stand in awe. I mean WOW. I have come so far, and the road stretches out endlessly ahead of me. I have felt pain, love, joy. I had gained friends and lovers, and lost friends and lovers. I have overcome myself and built myself up in the process. I have done a HELL of a lot… more than I ever thought I would be able to do…. somethings never change. I’m still broke. I’m still overweight…I’m still sexually confused..I’m still too damn shy. But at least now I am aware of these things…and I can make plans to change them.

I will not become a weeper… who sees her faults and does nothing to changes them
I will not become a moaner…who complains over the things that are out of her hands
I will not become a lost child … who wanders without thought or hope
I will become an instrument of change…within my own life
I will become a harbinger of hope…to my heart
I will become a keeper of silences…to keep me whole

I am ready to step out there on faith… and go forth in pride.

*smiles * I love the fact that over the weekend, while I was in clubs I heard my two favorite house songs.. Pride ( A Deeper Love) and Follow Me…. : ) Theme songs for the year mebbe??

Stay Jazzed.

Gut Wrencher (Part One)

How can I explain what I am feeling right now? *sighs * I mean I like and respect AG, and I see what she is going through. What she thought she had is not what he is giving her… and he is hiding from that fact. I don’t want to throw being an emotional coward back in his face, but that shit is true.

He is ducking and dodging what is going on, because of the anger and hurt that might appear from others in the community. That is fucked up and that is all I can say about it. I am partially hurt because he expects me to write about it, and I will…but at the same time shouldn’t he be doing it to? Neither of us is in the wrong, cuz something sprung up and bit us both in the ass that we were sure we had gotten rid of. Humph. But if we hide from it, if we conceal it and sneak around it, then it sure as hell looks like all that was done between him & AG was a lie and a front and the he purposefully and maliciously planned to do this. I would have never thought of him as a weak man, but I see now that he has absorbed the whole victim persona into himself for far too long to shake it off.

Gut wrenching honesty… that is what my diary is for, and that is how I will use it. I give us about 6 months to last, because I don’t think he will ever get off of his ass long enough to get the hell out of Baltimore. Something tells me that ‘things’ will keep coming up and will keep happening that will prevent him from coming.

Planning and following through have never been one of my particularly strong points, but somehow he doesn’t even realize that they are a vital part of getting what you want. He can frustrate the hell out of me sometimes, cuz he sits and whines and doesn’t do shit about it. *sighs * And I have made a promise to myself already that I will not be the fire under his ass… I will not push and pull and beg and plead for him to do what he wants to do.. what he needs to do. He has been bitching about not being in school for I don’t know how long, yet he hasn’t made any actual plans to get his ass back in. He is wonderful and finding the obstacles in his path, and he is so tuned into the obstacles that he faces he doesn’t even see the paths that take him past them. * sighs *

And now he has made his diary private. Foolish foolish man… he is asking for a level of trouble that I am not comfortable with, but I will keep marching on… keep progressing on, and I hope that he tells AG something before I write about it…. Cuz otherwise he is starting a fire battle that he may have to stand on his own with. Personally, I sympathize with her, and I might be one of the folx flaming him for being such a fucking wussy. I know that this is something really really minor, but I have to wonder if it is indicative of something much more major that may come back to bite me in the ass later. He is so preoccupied with looking like the victim, the innocent one, the one who had no influence on what happens in his life… damn.

That is it. He wants to be able to blame everything in his life on something else… he doesn’t want to be held responsible for his own actions, much less the repercussions of those actions. When we were at this point before (almost trying to get into something) I opted not to because I felt that at that point we would mess up what we had as friends in our search for a relationship. Now… oddly enough I don’t feel the same way… perhaps it is because I don’t think that it will go very far. Why? He has to do so much in order to be able to move.

I will not pay for him to move out there with me. And when he moves out there, in order to live with me he will have to be enrolled in school. He hasn’t managed to get himself enrolled in school in his own home state yet, how is he going to pull off doing it halfway across the country? And he will have to work on selling the house, he will have to tell his aunt and his godfamily, and his father. * laughs* he will have to stand up and be strong and somehow, I don’t see it in him. This is the test of fire… if he can pull this off… he will be much much more of a man than he is now…and if he can’t I will know that we simply are not meant to be.

Shall I talk about the sexual issue too? *sighs * I really I am not interested in making sex be a large part of our relationship. I am really not interested in being reminded of what I do sexaully.. shamed? No.. just not trying to get caught up in what tends to blur peoples minds so easily. I was hurt that when he talked about writing an entry about what happened on Saturday, the things he talked about were what we did… the kissing and the touching and the holding, rather than what we felt, what we talked about, what we decided on. The sexual parts of that day were such a non-issue… * sighs*

I don’t know Jazzy...you might be getting yourself into something that you are not ready for. Or even better. Something he is not ready for. I wasn’t upset, I was simply disappointed that to all appearances that was what made the day special to him, and that every time he talked about thinking about Saturday his voice got all thick and gooey and lustful. * yeech* If I want random lust I can find that anywhere…. I expect more than that from him… is that asking for waayyy too much? I don’t know… that might be asking for too much from any man. Yeah I am lumping him in the whole random man category…. At least where this is concerned. I wonder if he is aware that I don’t plan on having sex with him for a goood long time…maybe never in our relationship if it doesn’t last long.

Another thing… (catharsis) I wonder when, if ever I will meet his Aunt & cousin… I think that at that point I might have sex with him because that would indicate that we might have something longer and worth while to deal with. Somehow though, I seriously doubt that will ever happen. *sad smile * Umph… I am not focusing on the obstacles… I a just trying to make myself aware of them so that I can know exactly what is coming up in my life….

I think that is all for today….

Stay Jazzed