Short.

*makes face* Yup…he’s mad.
*sighs* Boundaries, thas all. I want to have guidelines, little paths that my feet can follow that make me comfortable and make him comfy too.
*shrugs* I’ll talk to him at some point later.
Work wasn’t too too bad.
Blagh.

Stay Jazzed.

Testing Testing 1,2, Key....

I did something mildly sly, and I want to note it so that I can remember to record the results (if any). A few weeks ago, he gave me back the keys to my place, because he said he ‘felt’ like I didn’t like him coming over. *rolls eyes* Anyhow, Tuesday night, he asks for me to leave the him the spares so that he would go to his job and pick up the boxes he said he would get me. I said no problem, and pulled out the spare from where I keep them (in the kitchen cabinet) while he watched me. Last night, when I got home there were no boxes, because he said he didn’t feel like walking back with them because he didn’t have the money for the cab. I said fine, but it sent off a little ‘beep-beep-beep’ warning signal in my head. He had left the keys on the counter, and with him watching again I but them back where I had gotten them from that morning. I don’t want him to keep the keys to my place…and he understands that. However, when I got up this morning I thought hmm…I wonder if he plans on staying here all day today too? Or going out then coming back…or just keeping the damn keys…so… rather than just accuse him of wanting anything (1 – it was too damn early 2- I was already running late and 3- he was half sleep), I just took the keys out of the kitchen cabinet and put them someplace else. If he goes for the keys, I am sure I will hear something back and we can converse from that point on. If he doesn’t, it won’t be mentioned again and I can relax knowing that he is aware that the whole ‘chillin at Jazzy’s house’ thing has been sharply curtailed.

I don’t know… it should be interesting. My life – with more extra Drama!!

Stay Jazzed.

Moving, Money, Men and Drugs.

Umm…it’s odd. I keep thinking that I am writing in here, but when I go to look at the entry list, nothing new is there. I guess I am using a thought process of ‘I need to write this for the OD’ and just never get around to doing it.
Anyhow….life life life..what’s going on with me? Ummm… I’m moving on July 13th, and I have broken down and decided to pay someone to help me. *shrugs* It makes life easier. I haven’t started packing yet, because I don’t have any boxes. Corey said that he would get me some boxes from work, but I am still on an independent search for boxes. I mean I work in half of a factory, I SHOULD be able to find some great boxes. I just stuck a little note on this big stack of boxes that I saw in an elevator about to be taken to be recycled most likely, politely asking the ‘owner’ to give me a call. *sighs* Hopefully I will hear from them a little after lunch.
Note on above: I tend not to rely on people, because I know just how unreliable some people are, and how easily some people tend to shrug off ‘favors’ they have said they would do for someone else. So anytime I ask someone for a ‘favor’ (except my mom) I have secondary plans in motion just in case they fall through. If they don’t, I can always throw away some extra boxes, but if I do get left in the lurch, I won’t totally be assed out. Part of my pessimism showing.
I was supposed to start a new pack of pills on Sunday, and I haven’t. I don’t feel much different, though I did have a dream this morning in which there was a distinct scene of me slobbing Corey down, so that is a good sign. I haven’t called the doc yet either – work has been hectic, but I will do so. I never called him to talk about the results of my latest pap either, so I can kill two birds with one stone. I have researched and researched and there basically seem to be four different kinds of birth control. 1) Hormones – the pill, Norplant, Depo, Lunaire 2) Barrier – Condom( girl and guy), Diaphragm, Sponge, Foam… 3) for lack of a better word – ‘Devices’ – Chasitity Belts, IUD’s and the like, and the last kind 4) Dangerous/Unrealistic(for me) – Pulling out, Fertility Awareness methods, abstinence.
Hormones are out. I really don’t like taking them, and it seems that no matter what kind I take (I have been on three different kinds, a tri-cyclic, a low dose tri-cyclic and a mono-phasic) I end up not having sex cuz I don’t want to anyhow. Forced abstinence is a bit much for me. I’ll be damned if I get something stuck in me that I will HAVE to live with for long periods of time. Nope uh-uh. When I got pregnant before it was with a condom, so my security with that method is nil, I just don’t trust diaphragms (how do you know the stupid thing is covering EVERYTHING??) and I would use up a bottle of foam at a time (and what if his are some really tenacious wrigglers?) and sponges cost too much. Less than a child, yes, but still…and as for group 4 – I might as well just get pregnant and be done with it. So… that leaves me with the IUD. Mind you, I was conceived ‘around’ an IUD…but that WAS 25 years ago. I hope (pray…) that the IUD’s are better now. So…*sighs* I hate having stuff poked that far into me. It hurts. *grins* But as I’m sure Cyndi would say, ‘Labor feels worse!’ So…

Ummm… I have decided to borrow 100 bucks from my mom, just in case to tide me over if Gio’s surgery costs more than I expected it to. *sighs* If if if… bitching does no good though does it? I could have asked Corey for the cash… but as he still owes me 45.00 bucks for a damn phone bill *rolls eyes* I don’t want to have any monetary interactions with him. umph. And I sure as heck don’t want to be beholden to him in that kind of way. Is that sad? I’m not sure…we have very different ideas on how to handle money soo….it makes life easier. At least my life.
Anything else? Work has been….interesting lately. Hectic in a stressful kind of way, but not really in a ‘pressed –for –time’ kind of way. It’s odd. It’s stress based on conflict between what people want and what can truly be provided, rather than a conflict between what is needed and the amount of time we have to do that in. I think I like the time stress more.
I’m tired. Tired tired tired. I (stupidly) stayed up until 2am Sunday talking to Corey about ‘us’. If anyone has watched Sex and the City… I totally sympathize with Samatha – “I’m so SICK of talking!!’ . Anyway…I have been on the go since then, leaving the house around 6:30 am and not getting back until around 10:00 pm because of driving class, and then having to do whatever in the house and then drag my ass to bed. I’m wiped. And then they want me to come into work later tonight so that I can restore the system because most of our test data got corrupted yesterday. *sighs* Hopefully I’ll be home by 10:00 tonight. Hopefully. Last night I was talking to my mom about the money, and I was so tired while looking for the ATM card that I felt like crying. *sighs* Lack of sleep makes me an evil evil person. And Corey assumes that it is something to do with him. *rolls eyes* Mercy, can’t I have an attitude without him thinking that it is a personal reflection on ‘us’??

Stay Jazzed

And for our next act....

:(

Ya know...it would be a lot easier if I just gave in and stayed barefoot and pregnant. Really it would. But...as I happen to enjoy being not a mother (right now), and I wanna keep it that way.
Being on the pill has once again, completely erased my sex drive. For a while I thought it was just the fact that I was irratated with Corey and thus didn't want to have sex with him... but now that I want to have sex with him, I have utterly NO interest in anything remotely sexual. *sighs* It's rather like being stuffed full to the gills, and someone tries to offer you more food. Your reaction is 'Ewww...what am I supposed to do with THAT?!?'
So...it's back to the OB/GYN for me. I'm sure my dear doctor is getting sick of seeing me, and I am also sure that he is going to ask me why the hell I let him write me a prescription for something that I won't be taking...*sighs* I have been on the pill for *thinks* about 4 months now I think...and I am considering trying to get an IUD. I don't particuarily trust condoms...they are wonderful things but...pills make you feel SAFE. Secure...immune to getting knocked up. As body conscious as I am...I can't imagine wearing an diagphram...*giggles* I am butter fingery enough as it is now...

*sighs* All this to avoid what I want anyway. *shakes head* Logically illogical.

Stay Jazzed.

It's crashing down around me...

Man…. I knew things were going bad on the project I work on, but I didn’t think it would all start coming down around our ears. Most of the team had gone upstairs to the café (which was odd as the food is notoriously NOT all that good…and expensive) and we were lounging a bit after finishing lunch. Then the three consultants who work with us came upstairs as well. A few seconds later, one of the team members came up and told us that part of the ceiling in our team room had exploded. We didn’t think it was THAT big of a deal, but after coming downstairs and actually SEEING what had happened… my goodness. The ceiling fell in right over the consultants’ desk. Scaryyy…..so they have kicked us out of the team room, and we are sitting out in the hallway in cubicles. Yeech. Talk about NO privacy… I don’t like having people be able to look over my shoulder. The thought of having to reduce the little bit (yeah right) of OD’ing that I do is ugly!!

Anyhow… me and Cheffy had a nice long talk at last last night. *sighs* I think things will be better, but I’m still holding back for sure on that point. Damn it… forget it. I’mma call him Corey… it’s a lot easier on my head. *sighs* The only thing that soured the night was that he didn’t want to spend the night unless we had sex. *rolls eyes* Men.

My head hurts. I hope there is no asbestos in the ceiling tiles…that would suck.

On the moving front: One of my co-workers told me that you can call The Church of Latter-Day saints and they will move you for free…all they ask is that you buy them lunch. :) I think I can swing that without too much of a problem. So that seriously reduces my overhead, which is good considering I DO have to pay the last months worth of rent in the expensive place, and I have to pay the pro-rate for the cheaper place. *sighs* I think I might change Gio’s surgery to just be neutering rather than neutering and declawing… it will be a little cheaper I’m thinking. *sighs* What I forgot about was the fact that they cash the security deposit check rather than just holding on to it until the end of the lease. *sighs* If I just had another week everything would be much much easier. Ah well…can’t bitch over spilled milk eh?

Stay Jazzed.

Lock me up and put me away...

I am officially certifiable. Why you ask? I am going to try to move in 3 weeks. Yup… three weeks. *sighs* I’m demented. Why do I plan on doing this…because it would save me a months rent at the higher rate…and I’ll be damned if I don’t take advantage of that fact. I’ll be moving over the weekend of the Fourth. *sighs*
I’m going to the office today to give them the rest of the deposit and the pet deposit, and then I am going to go and look at the place one more time (not as if I could weasel out of it now) just to get another grasp on anything that I will have to hammer out.
The issues will be actually MOVING…and the money issues. If I could just have until the 15th of next month everything would be peachy. *snorts* We are going to have to talk about that fact.

*grins* But I’m happy… and much more relaxed now that I know I am DONE DONE DONE.

At least with the apartment….

Stay Jazzed.

Theme Entry...

Ahhh…. a theme that I actually WANT to answer….

Because I moved around so much, I don’t have a place that I went to as a ‘child’ that I still like to go to. However, as an adolescent, I found a place that I love to go back to because of the warm and wonderful memories that I have from it.

During the summers after my freshman through junior years in high school I was enrolled in the Upward Bound program. This program was held on the campus of Swarthmore college, which has to be one of the most beautiful schools in Eastern PA, if not on the whole Eastern Seaboard. The campus is actually an arboretum, and it was originally started by Quakers, which means that not only does it have old classic buildings, it is surrounded by a 120 acre garden. *sighs* Gorgeous…and the friends I made while I was there I am still friends with.

Every time I go ‘home’ I have to go to Swarthmore and wander about in the Nature and beauty of that school.


That was really trite entry… and doesn’t even begin to capture the feelings that I have about Swarthmore. *shrugs* The place brings me peace and it makes me smile. I fell in and out of love for the first time there. I made my first ‘best friend’ there. I danced in a troupe for the first time there. I learned just how intelligent I am there. I grew up there. I got most of the social skills that I have now from there. I worked the hardest that I have ever worked there…and loved it the most. To me, SCUB was the best part of my teenage years.


Stay Jazzed.

Corey's Song

a make me wanna holla
ya make me wanna scream
you make me wanna reach out
and color in the blank spots that I feel in between
every time we talk it’s to be a dead end
you hear what you think
I’m just trying to get out what I feel
Cold…perhaps
but you quench my flames
I feel free away from you
no need to worry
I’m not gonna cause you any pain

Come together
come together
make a bond that will last forever
reaching for a dream
reaching for a hope
it’s breaking my heart
can we cope?

I see your face in my dreams
I hear your voice in my thoughts
I feel you touching me
but never in my heart
What’s holding you back
where did we go wrong
Am I a building to attack
or a woman just trying to carry on

Come together
come together
make a bond that will last forever
reaching for a dream
reaching for a hope
it’s breaking my heart
can we cope?

The end is near
if we go on this way
you hearing your thoughts
me saying what I’m trying to say
Take me for who I am
or don’t take me at all
don’t expect me to be your dream
cuz then we both will fall

Come together
come together
make a bond that will last forever
reaching for a dream
reaching for a hope
it’s breaking my heart
can we cope?

I’m just me
Not who you want me to be

I’m just me
a woman who needs space to be free
I’m just Jazzy
and that’s all I can be

Come together
come together
make a bond that will last forever
reaching for a dream
reaching for a hope
it’s breaking my heart
can we cope?

Where do we go from here?

*deep breath*

It is starting to take a lot of…energy to deal with Cheffy. It’s jard for me to really put a finger on exactly what it is. Like I said yesterday, he can be an asshole at times…but I can be a bitch at times, so that isn’t really something I can call him on. One thing (I get the oddest flashes of clarity in the shower) that occurred to be today was that he tends not to listen to me. When we are having our little ‘discussions’ I will say something, and mean precisely want I say, but he filters it through some half-assed this-is-what-Jazzy-‘MEANS’ translator of his that is just broke.
I know that I have a tendency to keep shit to myself, and I work on that on a daily basis. But once I get to the point that I do speak out… I say what I’m thinking and how I feel… as exactly as I can. And to have him ‘interpret’ what I’m saying, and then act on that rather than what I said…is frustrating as hell. And the sad part is no matter how many times I go back over the same shit, he STILL doesn’t hear what I am saying, he hears what he wants to hear, or what he ‘thinks’ I’m saying. And I’m getting to the point where I’m really just tired of talking. Why bother when I’m not being listened to?

Another thing, is that he tends to treat me as if…I’m inadequate somehow. Like I need constant guidance in how to deal with a relationship, as if he knows just so much freaking more than I do about interacting with people. While I have to admit, I haven’t had exactly the BEST track record when it comes to relationships (based on some other things) I’m not too thrilled about being treated like the kid who rides the short bus. Then again, that might just be a side effect of his *thinks* arrogant façade. He tends to be one of those folx who firmly believes that they shit don’t stink…until I firmly pop his bubble…and he changes for a hot second…and then it’s back to the ‘Cheffy – King of the World’ attitude.

The latest thing that has been heating up my…blood pressure I guess is that he tends to come in late (and that is expected because he works late) but then he wants to sit and have conversations. While I do love talking to him, and while I know that I don’t see him that much…wouldn’t most intelligent and considerate people consider that waking someone up who has to be to work in 5 hours and who has been sleep for about 3 to have a deep conversation really isn’t the wisest course to take?

*sighs* Anyhow…I don’t know what’s going ‘on’ here with us. I feel us slowly creeping down the slippery slope towards breaking up, and I don’t want that to happen. Then I start thinking about why I don’t want it to happen, and I really can’t come up with any GOOD reasons. I would miss him yes…but I think I would be able to keep him as a friend. With him it’s always been a different kind of thing… more low level, never burning quite as hard or as bright as some of my other love affairs have. And I feel like we are hitting a foggy area right now, and I don’t know how to clear it up.

*sighs* Anyhow I needed to get that out. I think that we will actually be around each other during ‘normal’ hours over the weekend…and I think we will have a talk then. *sighs* I just feel so…un-hopeful about our little ‘talks’ because…well…maybe we need to talk about his interpreter and see if that helps.

Stay Jazzed.

The hunter goes forth.

Well…I THINK I might have found an apartment that I like. I’m gonna do a pro/con list for it:

Pro:
Hardwood floors
Heat is paid
Close to downtown
525.00
On busline
Good water pressure
‘Character’!

Con:
Have to move in earlier than I planned
On a busy street
Kinda smallish
No central air
No balcony


I think the two lists kinda balance out, so I’m not going to worry about it… (much). I have 3 places to look at tomorrow, one on Monday, and one on Tuesday. If I don’t see anything in that group that I like, I will go for this place…I think. If I have to move early, it will be a bit more of a headache because I won’t have a car/license and so I will either have to pay someone to do it or rely on someone else do help me out. Ugh…I am really such an independent cuss. *sighs* The other places are more expensive…so this place realllly might win out. I’m going to leave here early and go get the passport stuff done, then I am going to go to this other place that I haven’t been able to get in contact with anyone, but the place SOUNDS nice so I want to swing by and see what is up with it. Hmm… even though I have given a deposit (just to hold the place) I’m suspending a decision for a bit.

I didn’t realize that I would be shopping while I was in the throes of PMS… so I am going to have to be just disgusting analytical about the places to be sure that I’m not jumping into someplace emotionally. Also, I do think that I will take a 6 month lease…if offered, just so that I can browse around and see what else is available. Of course, it will suck to have to move twice in a short period of time, but I want to find a really nice place for me that will be as homey as possible. What WON’T suck is paying 420 dollars less for rent every month. That’s a car payment, insurance and utilities. *happy grin*

Um. I guess I should do some work now. Huh.

Stay Jazzed.

Changes

I have always acknowledged myself to be an impatient person…it’s just part of who I am. I like to be always doing SOMETHING… even if what I am doing is totally mental, and waiting on other people to do something has always driven me crazy.
Lately though, I have been trying to just consciously wait. To be still for a bit, to let things flow and to let time carry me towards what ever it is I am waiting for. It’s a lot less stressful, and a lot more peaceful...but it’s hard at the same time.
It feels rather forced and false, as if I am trying to force my self into some sort of shell that in no way resembles who I am…but instead resembles who I would like to be. I never thought that it would be hard to change…at least not once the decision had truly been made. Yet I am having a hard time changing one little mannerism of myself, for brief periods of time. What sort of emotional upheaval comes from trying to remake your entire self for the rest of your life??

Stay Jazzed.

The disjointed thoughts of a woman who wants to g

go home.
Hm how rude... it would not let me type my whole title.







stretch out my mind
open up my heart
shake my behind
my new life’s gonna start


Okay…for a second I thought I was a songwriter. Um… nevamind. :)

In a relatively good mood today… not feeling quite so broke. :) Sifting through a newspaper, found a couple of interesting places, two of which are being managed by the company that I’m going on the walkabout with tomorrow. :) So I’m triple crossing my fingers that the places won’t be skunky. (dear god… I really did NOT know how to spell skunk!) and that I will like them and that they will be available and allll that jazz. *sighs*
What else? Work hasn’t been too boring today, I’m finally getting to do what I was supposed to have done all freaking last week. *sighs* Perfection takes time though right??
*grins* I feel like tomorrow is going to be Christmas or something… I’m all twitchy. I really think some good stuff is going to happen… I go to look at apartments, I get paid and it’s Friday! That is just gonna be a damn good day.

I realize what some of my issues with Cheffy are. He can be an absolute and total asshole at times, for no apparent reason.
It’s odd… I don’t really want to write about what drives me crazy about him. Why is that?

Hm. I want to take a pottery class. :) Maybe later huh?

Stay Jazzed.

*Yanks on hair* AGGGHHHHHH!!!!

Okay. I’m about to really go ape-shit over here… so I need to put together a calendar.


June 15 – get paid
June 15 – make arrangements for driving classes
June 15 – apply for passport.
June 18 – July 6 – Take driving lessons
July 6 – Aug 1 – Test drive cars
July 9 – Decide whether to give Apartment 30 day notice
July 13 – Get paid (a Friday!)
Aug 6 – Take driving test
Aug 7 – buy Car
Aug 8 – 14 – move (possibly)
Aug 15 – Get Paid
Aug 20 – go to Spain
Sept 3 – Return to Indy.

Hm. Actually not too bad after all. By the time I want to get the car, I will have saved up enough for insurance (no doubt) and (maybe) deposit and the like on the apartment.

So… what worries do I have?

1) That I won’t find an apartment that I like for a good price.
a. Well… that can be handled by getting a short lease somewhere (anywhere) safe & cheap so that I can afford the car…and then I can move again in January or March. I don’t HAVE to have something precisely perfect right away.

2) That I won’t like the car or it won’t fit me right
a. Well… that is really a minor worry placed in my head by someone else. *shrugs* To me a car is a car… a device to get from point a to point b. As long as it gets me there safely, and doesn’t eat up shitloads of gas… I think I will be happy.

3) That I won’t pass my driving test.
a. Pshaw. I just included that to acknowledge the fact that it might happen. After I take these classes, that will really be the LAST thing that I am going to stress over.

4) That I won’t get my passport on time.
a. Well… It tends to take 6 weeks. If I get the application in next week, that gives me almost 8 weeks to get it back. And since I’m doing this through the company, that reduces the worries even more.

5) That I will have serious money crunch issues.
a. Well…lately I have been having the absolute best of luck/chance/blessing when it has come to money. I’m not sure how long this will last, so I am just doing the best with it that I can. Also, as I have a relatively immediate need/desire for ‘extra’ money, I will be much much more aware about saving and keeping my grubby fingers OUT of my savings account. Also, while I am in Spain, I will be totally on the company dollar, so that will be less money that I am spending.


What kinda threw me for a worry worry fret fret loop was the fact that I found out today that I AM going to Spain…even though I had been told for the past few weeks/months that I would NOT be going to Spain. And since the time that I would be going to Spain is about the same time that I wanted to move I was a little worried. While it does cramp my style a LITTLE… *shrugs* I’m really not going to stress it… now that I have it laid out all nice and pretty on paper.

*sighs* No more stress.

Stay Jazzed.

Those XY People

Ummm… I enjoy re-reading my diary. I went back about a year to re-read what was going through my head when I came up here the first time, and didn’t really find much except for my joy about my lovely new apartment…the same one that I am madly trying to escape from now. :) ah well…I was also talking about the relationship between me & chris…during that amazingly sweet honeymoon period of time. ah. well.
*shrugs* Then I read my entry for Father’s Day last year… *sighs* and I can’t even imagine pretending to try to write one this year. *shrugs* I’m…dismissive of my step-father, and I have given up all hope as far as my biological father is concerned… but re-reading that actually gave me some insights into who I am, and some of the issues and assumptions that I tend to have about my relationships.


What was the most important thing I learned from my father(s)? I learned that I have to be ready & able & willing to stand on my own two feet at all times, because trusting someone else to be able to stand on theirs can be a losing proposition. I learned that actions speak so much louder than words, and that words don’t mean shit. I learned that if I want to be somebody, and do something, I have to do it on my own, and be ready to pull others along. I learned that promises & disappointments go together, and that one lie found out may mean five more still in hiding. I learned a lot from my father(s). Most of it I wished I hadn’t learned. I wished I had learned how to be a daddy’s girl, how to know that there was always a man in my life who was strong & stable as a rock. I wished that I had learned what a daddy was, rather than what a father is.


I translate this same…ideals I guess to most (if not all) of the men in my life. Actually, I view most men that I am in a relationship with like this… *Shrugs* It’s what I have learned, and I have yet to run into a man who has proven me just totally wrong. *shrugs* I’m not even going to go through how every relationship that I have been in has failed me in some way. And I’m not saying that that failure was all that person’s fault. In fact, in a few cases, I know quite well that it was OUR fault…but at the same time… if I did not have those…learned responses to some stimuli, *laughs* I would be better able to get PAST my past and deal with men strictly on their own terms.

How do you break out of a learned and repeatedly re-enforced cycle of behavior and expectations? I was trying to explain to Cheffy one day how I feel that I had started off wrong in our relationship…how I had started off as a doormat and how I was trying to roll the mat back up. His response was that I was becoming cold and unfeeling and focusing solely on me and my needs. And it was true…because I can’t see the point of equilibrium, where you are taking care of yourself totally, and still have energy left for someone else. And in order for that kind of equilibrium to be established (esp. between two adults) I have the expectation that if I am going to be focusing on me and my needs AND you and your needs… then YOU need to be focusing on your needs and my needs as well…rather than just thinking about you and what you want and what you can do. *Shrugs* I’m slowly trying to work my way to a point where I can put my finger on it and say ‘Yes! This is what went wrong, this is what needs to change to make things right’. *rolls eyes* And then I really don’t feel like I should have to be dealing with these kind of issues when I am NOT married… but then somehow he makes me feels guilty about being all for me. *shrugs* I HAVE to focus on and me sure that Jazzy is making sure her shit is straight, cuz Cheffy is not making sure my shit is straight. And if making sure that my shit is straight means not being as…compliant and available to him as I have been… *shrugs* that’s life. Is that a cold and cruel way to look at it, or am I just finally being realistic?

Well. That was a nice little purging. I wish that I could look at our relationship ‘on paper’. Just look at what it REALLY is with my own mind… and blank of any past residue or expectations…and compare that to what I want. Write down what happens that makes me mad or that makes me happy… and try to figure out what the problem is.

Stay Jazzed.

Mind Numb

It never fails…every time… almost every single time that I bitch about not having enough to do…some disgusting brain warpingly tediously boring task comes along with MY name on it. And this is a task that doesn’t even have any extended wait periods so I really have to snatch bits of OD time *sighs* me and my big mouth.
But, as the system has crashed for the moment (I don’t think I will ever take any of this companies drugs after we go live…shit screws up too easily) I can take some time to bitch. :) I am not ‘obsessing’ about the apartments, but I did check to see the general locations of the various apartments so that I know if I am going to need cab money to get to any of these places. *shrugs* They are all pretty easy to get to, much better than the madness I went through Saturday.

Chris has been telling me that I need to test drive the car before I buy it. I’m trying to figure out if a dealer would actually let a person who doesn’t have a license test drive a car…somehow I’m thinking that the answer there is no. :) So… it’s gonna be fun.

Hmm… systems back up. Off to more mind deadening…

WHOO HOO!! I’m done. Finally. Yeech. And it’s almost time for me to go home. :)

I was considering going to the neighborhood that the apartments are in...just to look.. but that would be obsessing wouldn’t it? *sighs* I’m hopeless…and impatient.

Grrr. Posting. Shutting down…going HOME.

Stay Jazzed.

*crumple* GO *pounce* AWAY!!!

*beats it down*
*turns her back... it POUNCES*
*beats it down AGAIN*
*ignores it for a few days*
*without warning...SLAM!!*
*beats it down with a big stick and takes drugs*


*sighs* My pregnant co-worker just came back from vacation today. Damn baby fever.


Stay Jazzed.

Early Morning

Ahhhh…a good nights rest and pretty red fingernails makes life seems sooooo much better.. ya know?

*wiggles* Hmmm… a little breakfast is good too *licks fingers* I had a driving dream last night, and I was driving this totallllly piece of shit car. *LOL* I mean I PUT the car together cuz it was made out of plastic (like model car) material, and it was just soooo flimsy and cheap. But I was driving that baby…almost got myself killed going through a highway construction area the wrong way *nervous giggle* and then nearly had a shit fit when they blocked the only way to get BACK to my house/grocery store (don’t ask) but then the nice highway patrol lady lifted the concrete barrier out of my way and let me through. then my cat started walking on me so I have no clue where else I could have gone from there.
*grins*
I have placed a self inflicted time-out on even thinking about apartments until Friday. That way, hopefully I won’t drive myself too too bonkers. Hopefully.
*yaawwwnnnns* Hmm… maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that croissant so early in the morning. Now I’m all snotty and sleepy. Yeech. And bored. Man… I have got to have the oddest job in the world…I mean really…don’t most peoples jobs keep them busy on a regular basis? Don’t most people have a pretty much so established list of tasks that they have to go through that fills their day? Is THIS why the economy sucks?? *sighs*

Well… I need to start getting ready for my performance management meeting next week. Maybe I have done more than I think/feel like I have done.

Stay Jazzed.

So many Choices....

*siiiggghhhs* *Grrrrrr*

It’s really sad. Now that I KNOW that I am going to be getting a car, and that I only have a couple of months to wait, the wait is gonna drive me BONKERS. I was perfectly fine not having a car until the point came that I realized that I was gonna get a car… now not having a car is driving me crazy. Yes… I’m odd.

Anyhow… did apartment shopping this weekend/this morning. Blagh. Just loads and loads of BLAGHHHH on them all. What is up with this nasty nasty tan carpet?? I mean really…could you pick anymore of a blagh color?? And as my furniture simply does NOT match that nasty mess, it’s gonna be fun. I already know what kind of apartment I want, it’s just a matter of finding it. What do I want? Simple: A 2 bedroom apt, with hardwood floors, big windows, and over 1100 sq ft. All for under 700.00. That isn’t asking too much, now is it? No NO and NOOOO once again. *deep breath* I think part of my frustration comes from having suffered through a couple of complexes. *shakes head* I don’t think that I will be living in one of those… nuh-uh. Too many people all squished up on top of each other. Now while it may seem that living in an apartment building is just as squishy… at least you don’t have to SEE all those other people.

*sighs* Anyhow… I have an appointment to go look at some nicer apts. on Friday (that might fit my criteria) and I’m supposed to be looking at some places on Saturday too. Wish me luck.

I realized that one of my problems is that I am overwhelmed by the variety of options I have. When I was in Atlanta, I was severely limited by the price of the place. When I first moved here, I was limited by the fact that I didn’t have a car…now I really have neither of those limits… and it feels like I have an infinite number of choices. *sighs*

I was so pooped and in such an ugly mood when I got done with the apartments that I didn’t even bother going to look at the car. That would have just irritated me even more. Then, when I came home Cheffy was being…odd… so that was most certainly no better. *sighs* I mean really.. what possesses men sometimes??

I realized that I have never had anyone over to my house. I have never like, cooked dinner for anyone and just kicked back and sipped on wine and chilled. And I have lived here for almost a year! *sighs*

AND…. just to make it all better… it’s MONDAY!

At least I get paid this week.

Stay Jazzed.

That siren story...

last night, shortly before I was going to go to bed, the phrase “ you can’t do that” shimmied through my head. I’m not sure who I was talking to, or thinking of, but it stuck. The intonation of it is what made it more memorable, the simple astonishment that ‘you’ would even try it. How dare ‘you’??

*shrugs* I don’t know what’s going on in my head some days. Lately I have been having the most vivid dreams, so I actually don’t know what’s been going on in my head some nights too.

I posted some online ads for friends. Is that like totally pathetic or what? I look at it this way… most of the friends that I made before… I made online. But I don’t have time to sit around and chat for 5 – 6 hours at a time. So I put out and ad, and hopefully I’ll get some sane hits. If not…I’ll try something else.

I realized that I tend to get really really really maudlin when I’m tired. And I am SOOO tired right now. I’m leaving work half an hour early, and I am going to go home and crawl under the bed…after giving Giovanni his 15 minutes of loving.

Hmmm…. 15 minutes left. Hm. 7 really cuz I wanna take the laptop home. Well. I guess I need to post and begone.

Stay Jazzed…and have a good weekend.

I get....

I’m not single.
I’m not a mother.
I’m not in college.
I’m not all the way grown up.
I’m at a way weirder in-between stage that any I have ever experienced.
There are web sites for college people.
There are web sites for single people.
There are web sites for mothers.
The are web sites for all the way grown up people.
There aren’t any web sites for me…at this odd, weird, in-between stage in my life.
And we all know that if it ain’t on the web…well… it’s gonna be tough.

I’m not a swinging single…and I’m not a happily married.
I’m in between.
I’m not a college student…but most of my friends are still in college.
I’m in between
I’m not a mother…but I suffer from severe attacks of baby fever.
I’m in between.

I really feel… left out. Unnoticed. A non-existent demographic. But I KNOW there are people like me everywhere. Where do you gather? Where do you hang out and have intelligent, not alcohol or religiously fueled fun? For cheap? Where do you meet each other and form new friendships? To form new bonds to replace and supplement those that are growing thin due to time and distance and change?

*sighs* And if one more person tells me to take a class I’m gonna SCREAM. I don’t really like school…okay!?!?!

*grrrrrrrrrr*

And thus concludes my weekly bitch&moan session.

*sighs*


Stay Jazzed.

Cool Riddle

Hmmm... this is a fun riddle that quierodiado (I KNOW I messed up her name) dug up.... It's alot of fun, and a great logic exerciser...

This is a quiz written by Albert Einstein. He said that 98% of the people in the world would not be able to solve this quiz. Are you among the 2% (Mensa's admission credentials)
FACTS
1. There are 5 houses in different colors.
2. In each house lives a person with different nationality.
3. These 5 owners eats a certain dish, drinks a certain beverage and keeps a certain pet.
4. No owners have the same pet, eats the same dish or drinks the same drink.
HINTS:
1. The British lives in a red house.
2. The Swede keeps a dog.
3. The Dane drinks tea.
4. The green house is on the left of the white house.
5. The green house owner drinks coffee.
6. The owner who eats pork chops rears birds.
7. The owner of the yellow house eats fish and chips.
8. The man living in the middle house drinks milk.
9. The Norwegian lives in the first house.
10. The man who eats beefsteak lives next to the man who eats fish and chips.
11. The man who keeps horses lives next to the one who keeps cats.
12. The man who eats grilled chicken drinks beer.
13. The German eats lamb chops.
14. The Norwegian lives next to the blue house.
15. The man who eats beefsteak has a neighbor who drinks water.
THE QUESTION IS:
WHO KEEPS FISH?


Note: If you look for the answer on the web, the original riddle was house, drink, CIGAR, nationality and pet. :) Ask me for the answer and I will drop it in your notes.

A tale of two Periods

“That Girl” started this…so here is the story of MY first time….

My period story is short and simple really… nothing to exciting happened to me….

I was thirteen, living in Boston, just me and my mom. I woke up late one night to go to the bathroom, pulled down my draws, and freaked out. *laughs* I’m still not sure WHY I freaked, considering I knew quite well what was going on, but I think that I didn’t expect it to be quite so…bloody. I went and woke my mother up in tears, confessing that I was scared because I was bleeding. We went into the bathroom, she took one look, and said ‘ Girl, that is your menses’ (my mom being a nurse was a real stickler for using the right words….) I put on one of those nasty nasty pads (diapers anyone???) and went back to sleep.

I suffered through wearing those diapers for almost 3 years, until my mother lightened up one the whole ‘Muslim women have to let the blood flow OUT of them thing’ and finally got my first pack of tampons. I’m proud to say that I have managed to convert her too… though it took almost ten years to do it.

My most traumatic periodic incident wasn’t even my own. During the pre-freshman program that I went to, I lived in an all girls dorm. I had left the room with some friends, and walked back in to see my roommate showing one of her friends how to insert a tampon. Mind you to me it was rather easy – open. push – pull – you’re done. However for her and her friend it turned into a 20 minute examination and repeat insertion process…. it was one of the oddest things I had ever seen.

Dancing

Oh yeah!! How could I possibly forget??? I’m doing the funky chicken dance because Student loans rates are going down…. *dances madly* funky funky chicken…..

Haven’t heard THAT good news?? Well here it is…. Loans taken out in the parents name are dropping to 6.79 percents…. loans taken out by the student themselves are dropping to 5.99. This goes into effect July 1st. *funky funky chicken* That means that there is an even BETTER chance that I will be ableto pay off alllll these damn loans by the middle of next year. WHOOOO HOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

*grins* I have been whho-hoo’ing a lot lately haven’t I? Good money news is always good news…

Stay Jazzed.

Gather 'round...

Well.. since No Mermaid asked, and I’m not sure if I ever really recorded the sad tale of how I managed to be almost grown and still not driving… here goes the tale:

When my mother and step father got divorced for the last time (in 1990) me & my mom moved in with my grandma. As our finances were rather tight, my mother used my grandmothers car to get to work and so forth. In addition, I was not allowed (on the pain of death & higher insurance payments) to touch the car. Well and good, because my high school offered driving classes to any student over the age of 16. My birthday is in January, so after Christmas break I planned on taking driving courses…however, over Christmas break, the school board met and decided to stop offering driving courses as it cost too much. Another plan down the drain. None of my friends/boyfriends had a car, and as we lived about 20 minutes from Philly, public transportation was great, and therefore there was really no pressing reason for me to get a car…thus no real pressing reason for me to get a license. My mother got her own car…the summer before I started college. Why didn’t I learn over that summer? Because I was in Atlanta in a pre-freshman program…. *sighs* I think she did that on purpose….
Graduation from high school came and went, and I went to college in Atlanta. Not only was it a warm city, it was a city that had pretty good public transportation as well… at least to everywhere that I wanted to go. So…for another 5 years, I put off getting a license…and as I knew that even if I had a license I wouldn’t be able to get my hands on a car (much less a car to take the driving test WITH) there was still no hurry. I had a state ID… I could get everywhere I wanted to go… why bother?
Then… I moved to Indy. A cold place, with public transportation that.. to put it bluntly… SUCKS!!!! But… I didn’t think that I would be able to swing car payments… at least not starting off. But now, another winter is approaching, and my lease to my expensive ass apartment is about to end… so I’m getting a license and a car…. all before September 1st hopefully….

And THAT is the tale of this 24 year old non-driver….

Stay Jazzed….

*GRINS*

WHOOO HOOOO!!! I got my learners Permit. :) Such a feeling of success and stuff. And I take such CUTE ID pictures….

Well..yeah… that’s about it for now. I’m about to use my vaunted analytical skills on the apartment listing I have and figure out who I want to go with….

Stay Jazzedddddd

ZOOM Zoom zoom

To put it bluntly, this is a crazy crazy world we live in. I just got a pre-approved loan for 20,000 for a new car. Can you believe it?? This is one of the great advantages of living in a credit based society… and being a member of a credit union. And the scary part is that it was so easy. I applied online, *thinks* YESTERDAY!! And today I could walk into almost any dealership, slap down my pretty letter, and say “ I want that car there”. Of course, I wouldn’t be able to drive it anywhere… but still. *sighs* Now all I have to do is figure out how to get the car to my house, and get a parking spot for it. It can sit there until I get my license. *LOL* Lord have mercy…wait till I tell my mother. *laughs*
Based on my analysis, the cars I can get my hands on for a reasonable amount of money (under 18,000 leaving myself plenty of tag, title and…hmm tax space). Hmmm okay, tax on cars is only 5%, so that would leave me with a 18,900 car payment…but none of the cars I am aiming for cost over 18,000. I have the following choices… and I think I might get a new one… *shrugs* If I can afford it and get the warranty and the comfort of knowing it’s new… I’ll do my own crying the first time I ding it. Anyhow… the cars are: (drum roll please!!!)

Honda Civic EX
Mazda Protege LX
Toyota Corolla
Volkswagen Golf GLS


Personally… I’m fighting tooth and nail against getting a Civic or a Corolla. If I SEE another one of those things on the road I’m gonna holler. Sooooo…..That leaves me with the Protégé and the Golf. As I don’t really want a hatchback, that leaves me with the Protégé, with I like anyhow. :) And I can get all the goodies that I want for under 17,000. WHOOO-hoooOO!!! I’m talking sunroof, CD player, pretty colors, cool wheels, maybe some fog lights, and a grand grand grand full coverage. *sighs* Who could ask for more? And I get to go around softly chanting “zoom zoom zoom”. And with the credit union prices, I will most liekly be only paying about 360.00 a month. Not too shabby... and with a car I can get a second job. :) zoom zoom zoom...

Ummm… nothing much else going on in my life. I am going to be leaving around 2 to go to the doctors and get checked (again) for nasty cells, as well as get a years worth (I think) of birth control pills. I am going to talk to the doctor about the whole suspending my period thing. I think that one period every three or four months would be okay. Only having one hideous PMS-y mood swing every couple of months would be lovely too.

I love my kitty. I need to take some new pictures of him cuz he is growing up so freaking FAST!! He almost looks like a cat now rather than a kitten. True, a very small cat, but a cat all the same. He doesn’t have the super sweet cute look any more. *sighs* There is one odd thing that he does though…when I am rubbing him and he reallllly get into it, not only does he do the whole kneading thing, he also likes to suck on a corner of the blanket (as I am almost ALWAYS under a blanket). It’s kinda cute, but scary at the same time… I guess it is rather like a kid sucking their thumb. *grins* I hope he doesn’t end up with bad teeth.

Stay Jazzed….

zoomzoomzoom……

Decision Made

Okay. I have decided. I am moving moving moving. And I’mma get a used car. All hopefully before my lease expires in August. :) Yeah. What finally pushed me into a decision?? While I was sick on my ass all weekend, I went browsing through an apt guide Cheffy had left at my house. I saw some pretty good looking stuff, and figured, what the hell… I’ll look into it more online at work (as I have cancelled my AOL). Got to work, and between trying to narrow down which car I want to get, I started online surfing for pads. As I had already set up a side by side comparison spread sheet for the cars, I figured I would do the same thing for the apartments. Yes… today was a slllooooww day at work. Anyhow, after doing all that, I put a formula in for the price per square foot of each apartment. The most expensive apartment according to my formula’s panned out at about 79 cents a sq. foot. MY apartment completely broke the mold at 94 cents per sq foot. Okay. I gotta move!

As far as the car thing… I am trying to figure out how I am going to get my hands on a car so that I can take my driving test. I figure that I will most likely sign up for the driving lessons. I mean really, if I can manage to find the money to go on a week long trip, I can scrape up a couple hunnerd dollars to be able to get a license. *rolls eyes* I guess it is just the thought of paying someone to teach me what I KNOW I can teach myself. *sighs* Currently I’m racking up prices, consumer report opinions, and message board ideas about a couple of different cars. On my way home I’m going to grab a couple of used car magazines and see what they have as far as used cars, and see how that fits in with my idea of what I can spend.

*nods* Okay…. I am going to go to the licensing place after I come from my doctor’s appt. tommorow and take the permit test…then when I get paid I am going to sign up for some driving lessons. Urgh. Lot’s of cab fares… but that’s okay. *nods* I’mma make it.

Grrrr…okay I’m still vaguely sick, and so I think that I will be going home a little early..maybe…as soon as I finish getting these car prices. Besides…I’m starting to have flashes. *shivers*

Stay Jazzed.

Short & Sweet

Well…. I’m back. I had loads upon loads of fun during the trip, and I had no CLUE that I missed my buddies so danngone much. *sighs* But anyhow, I’m back here now…at work *gags* and tired as all get out. I finally got some jewelry (at TJMaxx of all places) and went out to eat with my mommy.

Like I said I’m tired as all get out, and I think I am getting sick as my throat is feeling odd…so I really don’t feel like writing. I managed to read just about everybody’s diary except for those mad women who write like twelve entries a day…and I left a few notes. Ugh. I’m so glad it is Friday.

Stay Jazzed,