Happy Honeymoon!

Hmmmm.....I'll hit the high points.

As I'm on my period, the normal honeymoon hijinks has not yet started. Dammit. I want hijinks too.
The weather is a little colder than we expected - and driving in In. in the winter - sucks. What should have been a 3 hour drive to the border of In/Ky took 8 hours. EIGHT FREAKING HOURS just to get out of Indiana. Oh. My. God.
The condo is FREAKING gogeoue! Utterly, and totally. I could live here forever - we have a stunning view of the ocean, and a HUGE king size bed.
Oh yes, merriement will be found here as well. We have already RSVP'd for a NYE party (speaking of which, I need to write about me & C's first trip to the swing club) and we are trying to hook up with a Chicana woman who lives here. Yum.

What else? Ah - clearly, I have an internet connection, and it's not too slow. So - that's fun. I get disconnected really easily though.

Oh well - I need to check my email.

Ciao!

Early Morning

Ahh....it's a wonderful thing.  C is peacefulyl sleeping, and I'm finishing up the last of the preparations for our trip. It's snowed SOOOOOOObadly - I can't wait to get out of here.
I'm soooo excited. *bounces*

I'm going to try to stay awake for at least until the sun comes up, then C is on his own. Heh.

I'm taking the computer with me, but I'm not sure if the room has a connection - we shall see - I certainly hope so.

Blah! I'm brain dead - and I want another lemon cookie.

We're going to takea crapload of pictures, I know that much. Ohhh! :) I can't wait.

*waves* more later.

 

status update

Still very light - scarily so. I emptied it out since last time (yesterdat at work, with the thick gunk) and it was barely 1/3 full - and this time had a lot of white gunk like I usualy get at the end of my period.

If this is really it, it's the lightest period I've seen in a while, and it's starting to creep me out just a little bit. I played the lottery today - maybe I won't have anythint to worry about.

 

*laugh*

What shall be, shall be.

Things that I'm grateful for

My husband
My cats
Our Home
My mother
Greek Food
Love
Sunshine
Cloves
Sight
Having a job at all in this crappy ass economy
Knowing myself

blllehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......................I'm still malingering.

conflicting.

I know that money can't make you happy - but lately it seems like all of my UNhappiness is directly due to a low level of the aforementioned green stuff.
The restaurant (no surprise here) is trying to screw C out of a week and a half of pay. *lays head on desk* and it's so fucking frustrating that we even have to care.
And it's not that I feel like we shouldn't HAVE to worry about money - I mean - that's just a part of life for 90% of us, right? It's just that - I'm soo tired of it. I really wish I didn't have to care.
And then I'm just so farking emotional ANYHOW - this has been a very rough PMS period.
And I really want our spur of the moment honeymoon to go well, and we were really relying on this last check of his to be sure that everything was covered, and the thing that makes it even worse is that if Da fucks this up - it isn't like I/we can even DO anything. It sucks. and it's tiring.

And really - I don't want/need to be rich. I just - *sigh* I just want to live the life that I want.....and we're too unstable and too broke to do it.
Unless of course, we do the whole dropping out and claiming bankruptcy thing - which wouldn't help in the long term.

I'm going to be 28 in 3 weeks, and - I"m not nearly where I wanted to be now, and I look back to see what I could have done different - and in truth, I don't think I would have done ANYTHING different - because doing anything different too early would have made me miss out on C - and without him, I wouldn't be here anyway.

*sigh*
*sigh*
I should have a hunkof cheese on my desk to go with this whine - cuz I KNOW I'm whining, and I know that I've got no room to whine, but I'm so damn dissapointed over this whole thing in ways that I'm so tired and sad about mulling over that - it's just sad.

I'm such a brat. Maybe that's just it - what I'm reaching for -what I want - is something that I'm simply not going to have - and I'm utterly terrified by the thought that I might have to switch my whole dream of what I ultimately want out of my life around simply because we can't afford it. Just the thought of it makes me want to cry. And as I get older, and it seems to be more and more likely that hey -we're not going to become independantly wealthy anytime soon, and we've only got a one in a million chance of wininng the lottery, and we've got too much debt to pay it off on my check (within the next couple of years or so) and his carrer is so fucking unstable and isn't likely to change anytime soon and I'm scared that I'm traveling down my mothers path but he's so much better and I know that isn't true....*deep breath* and it all swirls around in my head and I finally settle and realize that maybe I've been deluding myself all along in thinking that I wouldn't have to take the path that almost every other woman of my generation (and half the women of my mothers generation) had to take. We can't afford for me not to work. And using the past as a predictor of the future - we won't be able to afford me not working for a while.
And even if C did find a job, and it looked like we would beableto afford me not working - how can I trust that he won't just be summarily dismissed like he was this time?

yes, I worry too much - but this is what I've wanted to do my whole life - hell, since I was 13.  I've known that all I really want is to be a mother - a fully involved, cookie baking, breadstfeeding, fertile and loving as fuck, STAY AT HOME, mother.  That's been my dream for so long - and everything I've done since graduating has been in effort to get there - and here I am - 6 years later - and further away from being able to do that than I was then. And I'm terrified that if we wait too much longer, we are going to need help to have kids,andshit - we canbarely afford one the regular way - any issues would basically mean that we won't have kids of our own and - *deepbreath* that would really suck.

And I feel so fucking ungrateful for even VOICING this - I've got a roof over my head, a car to drive in, shoes on my feet, a lovely job - and I'm still miserable that I can't get what I really want.

And I haven't been able to tell C this, because - good lord, what's better than unfairly losing your job, besides your wife crying all over you because her hopes of you being able to support her (if need be) have gone up in smoke (again?).
And I try to be nice when he talks about the future, and all these wonderful, wonderful plans he has, and I try so hard to be supportive, but deep in my heart all I can see is a future where he gets to stay home and I have to work - because one of us has to watch the kids since we can't afford daycare - and what he could make wouldn't be enough to cover daycare - and i've already got the stable job. And once again - here I am whining about something that isn't even a problem for me yet and is a problem for plenty of other people who are dealing with it...and I'm still quite selfishly miserable.

*shrugs*

And I think what makes me so bloody sad about it - is I HONESTLY don't know what to do to change it. Okay - that's not quite true. I know what I need to do to change it - but guess what? I don't even have the capital to launch what might save us - save my dream.

*thumps head on desk*

I just want to go home, and go to sleep. That's all.

Status Update

Still not really sure if I should have counted yesterday as the start - I haven't emptied the keeper yet, and it doesn't even feel CLOSE to full - so maybe I haven't actually started? But starting yesterday would put my previous months start at the 15th-17th, so - yeah, that might be about right. I figure I'll dump it when I get home tonight, and if it isn't ALMOST full (or has that brownish ick in it)then - hmmm......well, I doubt that's the case.

*sigh* I really need to stop smoking crack, and accept the fact that no, I'm not pregnant, and no, it's not going to happen while I have the IUD in, and yes, that means that We are going to have to make a consious choice to do this, and considering I'm utterly terrified yet incredibly desirous that.... dammit - want to talk about conflicting emotions?

*sigh*

I need to play powerball.

Winding Down

One major thing that I love, love, love about working for this company is that they have their end of the year shutdown. I'm not sure if this is standard amoung most MFG companies (esp since they include us corporate drones in it) but damn - it so rocks.  From Christmas Eve, until the first Monday of the New Year - we're off. Mandatory, practically.  And it's WONDERFUL. So - I'm going to behere today, and I'm going to be here for most of tomorrow (note the MOST in there) and then - I'm done! Done! Done!

And I'll be off to a whirlwind of a honeymoon - I've been checking the weather, and it's supposed to get up to 74! SEVENTY-FOUR! In DECEMBER! *drools*  I'm so excited I could spit. Haven't packed,but at least all of our clothes are clean after the domesticity spurt that we went through Sunday. I need to put a hold on our mail - andI've already got the dried catfood for the creatures while we're gone. Hmm.... I'm worried about my work plant though - I need to figure out a way to keep it watered for the next two weeks.

Hmm.....what else? I'm getting my mind in gear to start losing weight again. I've CERTAINLY packed the pounds back on as I noticed when I tiptoed onto the scale last week. EEK! So. Yes. Must start acting like I'm interested again.  Hm.... my goal - at least until the end of the year - is to just note down everything that I eat - get an idea of my average intake.  After the new year, I'm cutting out everything except water, diet soda, and alcohol. Heh. After February, I'm going BACK on Induction (eeewwww) and starting on Atkins again. The only reason I'm waiting til Feb is because I'm going to be in GVA for a month, and shhhheeee - not even trying. Nope, nope. So- I've started a new chapter - I just forget shit so easily.

.

.

.

Okay - I'm empty now.

Day One of Cycle

Started today - though I think that I wouldn't usually count this as a start - I've got bright red blood though, so I popped in the keeper, and I'm calling this day 1.

oohh...this might be bad

I've been having a bit of a rough time transitioning to having C home alllll the time. I love him dearly, and love being with/around him - but him being home means that I have no alone time.

I get up - take a shower, drive to work - ten minutes of just me - but it's not soo good, cuz I've just woke up. I work all day with people - interacting and so forth - then drive home - another 10 minutes of blessed aloneness. And that's IT.

And I realized today - as I was outside for a fresh air break - that the reason it drives me SO batty is that I have a hard time thinking - at least semideep me to me thinking - when I'm NOT alone. And that thinking - it keeps me - calm and connected.

But! What happens when we have kids? Alone time, from what I've gathered from other parents - is just GONE, except for when the other parent takes the children away for a while. Will I be able to think with a baby around? Or a toddler? Eep! And if I can't think - good lord, I WILL go crazy.

But - my beloved hubby is here to take me to lunch - so more later.

 

Status Updates

Gastric distress (burps, farts, and really nasty smelling poo) along with emotional sensativity (I feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat - or less) indicate to me that I'm within a day or three of Day 1 of my cycle.

*sigh* talk about stress.

shush, I'm bored.

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before? Sadly enough, it took me a little while to think of something - DUH! I got married! 


2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Did I make a New Years Resolution? I doubt it - andI might make some this year, but I doubt it. 


3.  Did anyone close to you give birth? One of my coworkers wives did - if that counts.


4. Did anyone close to you die? Nope


5. What countries did you visit? Switzerland, France (I HATE Charles DeGaulle), and Germany


6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004? Shit - extra money? 


7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? March 28th - when I finally lost my damn mind.


8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Not killing (or divorcing) my husband!


9. What was your biggest failure? Starting to smoke - or was that last year?


10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Are you asking if I got sick? Several times - but nothing TOO major.


11. What was the best thing you bought? The timeshare for our honeymoon (really it's the only thing of signifigance I can remember buying - how sad, eh?)


12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Mine - I rocked in SO many different ways.


13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? The voting public of america.


14. Where did most of your money go? Bills, bills, bills.


15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Gah -life!


16. 16. What song will always remind you of 2004? 'Hey Ya!'


17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
    
    
    
    • Happier or sadder: happier.
    
    
    • Older or wiser: both.
    
    
    • Thinner or fatter: about the same I think, depressingly (or excitingly) enough.
    
    
    • Richer or poorer: Um...I feel poorer, but I think my net worth is a little LESS negative.
    
    
    
    


18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Exercising, writing, laughing.


19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Eating, drinking, smoking.


20. How will you be spending Christmas? On my long awaited, last minute, honeymoon.


21. How will you be spending New Years Eve? Hopefully still on my long awaited, last minute, honeymoon.


22. Did you fall in love in 2004? In and out and back in again. 


23. How many one-night stands? Heh. None.


24. What was your favorite TV program? Hmm...I think CSI (all three flavors) has to win. 


25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Ohhh...hate is such an ugly word.


26. What was the best book you read? Jesus and the Lost Goddess by some dudes.


27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Eeeeee!! Spanky's Clubhouse! Get SPANKED, baby! 


28. What did you want and get? Love. Strength. Joy.


29. What did you want and not get? That damn 280 million dollar winning powerball ticket.


30. What was your favorite film(s) of this year? Umm...I've no clue.


31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Oh...my birthday was on a Tuesday. I think this year, Ididn't even REMEMBER it was my birthday till I got to work, which means I mostly likely didn't do a damn thing. I was/am 27.


32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Finally having a real job.


33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004? Euro sexy - pearls and cleavage.


34. What kept you sane? Chemical substances.


35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Fancy? clearly this survey is a product of our friends across the pond. But, Angelina (ooooooohhhhhhjolie!), Warrick Brown (I don't know his real name, but DAMN that boy is fine, fine, fine) and Eva. 


36. What political issue stirred you the most? That damn election.


37. Who did (do) you miss?  Umph. Nobody - everybody I want to still be around is still around - thank the fates.


38. Who were the best new people you met? oohh..Phil! Samson! Angee! 


39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004: Truth is ALWAYS easier


40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: Everything must change/nothing stays the same/the young become the old/and mysteries do unfold - Oleta Adams

 

3rd? 4th?

Whatever number it is, clearly I'm bored out of my FUCKING mind.

Okay. Some - things.

1. I LOVE Spanky Clubhouse. They are a cover band (yes, a cover band) who plays locally, and oh my god! They rock. I mean - they play like rock and roll, a little hiphop, and so a SLAMMING fucking rendition of  "Pussy Control" but I'm like a groupie.


2. I don't really like going out to party with C, because I have to take him into consideration and can't be my usual outrageously flirtatious minx - not because he's THERE, but because I'm too damn busy paying attention to him to properly flirt with other people.


3. I wan go home.

damn.

hada big bunch of people all chitchatting in my office - much fun, and wasted 1/2 hour.

Old Lovers

Something I wrote earlier sparked me to go and search online for two old lovers - Mike and Jeremy.  *smiles*

Mike was my first college boyfriend - a compulsive liar & cheater, but brilliant, gorgeous (gorgeous!), a gentleman (he could make you feel like a queen as long as you ignored how many other queens he had) and sexy. oohh child. Eat him up with a SPOON. Younger than me too - by almsot 9 months, which we both got a real giggle out of.

Jeremy was - older, HUGE (in every which way), smart - loving - but he was never 'really' my boyfriend. He was in love with me - still says it broke his heart to hear that I was getting married - and while he was the best fuck buddy I've ever had - I just COULDN'T get into a relationship with him.

Got me thinking about - writing something using that. Old Lovers. Airport? Airplane. Sitting an aisle or two away. What happens? What do they talk about? What do they feel?

Eh. Maybe.

truth in advertising

So - might as well take advantage of this private room to write the shit that makes me blush to even consider.

Like how I'm so fucking tired of this emotional pregnant or not rollercoaster - and fuck, I've got an IUD in now - how much WORSE isit going to be when we are really trying?

And like how I feel so guilty/pissed over the fact that I'll have to go totally clean - no smoking (anything!) no drinking, and it just reinforces for me the fact that I'm still SO damn selfish.

But at the same time, I'm thinking in my heart that for my child, I'll give it up in an instant - without the blinkof an eye.

 

---

 

Okay - with the emotional out of the way - still having this odd 'smeary' shit. It looks like a combo of my regular secretions thickened and colored with a VERY light amount of blood - not enough to keep it's color during the long trip, as it comes out VERY thick and dark brown. Almost NO smell - besides the smell of fresh pussy.

My boobs aren't sore - but I no have a lil leakage in the right boob, and those odd - twinges in the left.

*sigh* maybe it's just a 'hiccup' like before, and I'll need a restart with a hormone or two.

 

 

no clue what to title this dross.

I've been writing a lot of really disjointed entries lately.  Just hopping & skipping from one topic to another - and it's a fair reflection of what's going on in my head - jumpy, jumpy, jumpy.

I'm amazingly impatient - have always been - and because I'm aware of it, I'm not really trying to change it - just to temper it. How that relates to anything....oh. So - I hate waiting for this vacation time to start. It sucks, to put it mildly. Esp. considering the fact that I really don't feel like working.

I did my hair over the last few days, so now it's all tight and sexy. I just realized that I've been sitting here for the last 20 minutes running my fingers through it over and over again. I love my hair. It always feels alive somehow - and now that it's longer (every time I tighten my roots - esp if I wait for a month or two like I did this time, I gain about 1/4-1/2 inch of length) it's just plain fucking sexy. and it feels SOOO good. *sigh*  I stopped conditioning it for a while so that the locks would tighten up again - my ends were getting all loose and fuzzy -but I think I'll condition it this weekend. Oohhh...super soft, super silky, super good smelling hair. It's a damn shame I'm broke and can't show it off to total strangers.

Speaking of strangers - I don't think I've talked about our sex life much. This whole 'new explorations' has been a hell of a lot of fun, esp for me. C gets the aftershocks -but, I get to call first dibs on stuff. Heh. I still haven't been able to get him to go to a party, and I've realized that I'm a hell of a lot more of a homebody when he's HOME than I am on my own. So. That's what's up there. I still don't like this city - there are freaky deaks here, but good lord - they aren't my kind of freaky deaks. *sigh* I'm so damn picky.

I'm sleepy too - our pitchin was today at work, and oohhh. So much food. So much yum.

See - this is me trickling down to an end - I want to write something else - but I have to go someplace else to write it, and as only I'll see it - why I am telling you about it?

*blinks*

I've been really fucking foggy headed lately. and tired. *slow slow slow blinks*  Gah. need vacation. Badly, badly.

I'm considering starting writing again.

Gah! How wishywashy was that?

Let's try again.

I want to write.  I'm just too much of a lazy bum (I'm feeling very vulgar today too - just want to cuss up a storm) to actually finish it.

We aren't even going to TALK about how many unfinished ideas, stories, concepts I've got (had - as they were on the old harddrive) that just never go ANYWHERE.  I've got my old filebox FULL of everything I've ever written (by hand, and some stuff I printed out) that I keep 'meaning' to read to energize myself.

I don't know if I'm lazy or afraid, actually. Afraid to - create something? that's truly mine? and then - expose that? Shit - maybe I'm just not self confident enough - don't have the balls to really get down into me and pull that dynamically creative diva out.  When it's for others, I can create almost on demand - I'm talented, imaginative, and stubborn. But this - what I've been doing in one way or another since I was fucking 12 - this scares me.

And yet sometimes - usually when I'm not even trying - I'll bust out with something that suprises even ME. Like 'parched' that I wrote when I was first going through the 'cycle 1 of married life' period - it was soooo damn expressive and SO damn spontaeneous that it hurt. Why can't I plan that shit out?

See? Vulgar!

I blame my mother, personally. Pounding the whole 'art won't make you rich' concept into my brain from a young young age.  Back when I was too young to scream back 'but it might make me happy!' which, really, matters more.

I need to play powerball.

Going to go read 'parched' again.

And you know the funny thing about that? I accidentally deleted it the first time I wrote it, and I recreated it entirely from memory (which normally, I CANNOT do).  Rereading it - it actually seems rather - juvenile now. *sigh*

Maybe that's the problem - like me looking at myself, I can't possbily be an objective judge.  And I don't trust anyone else to be able to fairly judge either - besides bastards like editors and agents who would laugh in my face both before AND after they crushed my tender heart into a few million hangdog pieces.

*gah*

 

So.

So. We decided to use the money (well, most of it - the rest went to bills) to finally take a freaking honeymoon - 10 (or 9 or 8 depending on how big of bastards work is going to be) in lovely sunny Florida at a timeshare that I was able to SNAG for 575.00. Rockthefuckon. We going to drive there, drive back, and have just shiteloads of fun the whole time.

So. I'm freaking out however, over whether we can afford it. Gah. But - it's most purchased, and *deep breath* I'm just going to trust that we can swing it. Thankfully, we aren't big on Xmas, so this will be our Xmas present to us.

So. I think I've figured out what we want from his family for Xmas - a damn monitor. Not too cheap, not too expensive. heh.

What else? Work!? argh! I cna't wait for this year to be done, done, done, DONE!

Ah! Speaking of work, I got a new ID picture taken today (as I had lost my badge) and WOW! My face isn't as fat as it feels/looks in the mirror. That irks me - and kinda makes me worry, because I don't want to be one of those women who are always whining about how fat they are when they aren't. The only reason I've been saying that I'm getting fat is ALLL of my clothes are getting tighter - and really, what else could it be?

 

 

---

 

Theme of the Week: What one gift do you want for Xmas?

Short answer: 12 million dollars, after OR before taxes.

Long Answer: Enough money to make both my & C's dreams come true.

Yeah, we're cheap.

12/15/04

I think I like freaking myself out thinking that I might be pregnant. I know how my cycles run - the next months cycle starts 2-4 days after the previous months did - so for example, if I started on the 11th of November, this month, I should start between the 13th and 15th of December. Simple, right? The only problem is - my dilly ass can never remember WHEN I started the previous month. Was it the 9th? Or was that two months ago? Was it the 15th? Or should that have been this month?

And since my mom got pregnant with ME with an IUD (yes, 30 years (oh my god!) ALMOST 30 years ago) I'm even more - squeaked out.

So, every month I go through this stupid little mental tango with myself of how long I can wait to see my period. And it's rather stupid really - either it's going to show up, or it's not. And if it doesn't - well, answers that question, doesn't it?

Still - for roughly the week BEFORE my period - I'm insane.

So - I'm going to start this new chapter - that is going to be JUST for me to keep trackof my cycle. Hell, once I DO wannaactually get knocked up, it'll be a useful tool if it doesn't happen in the first few go-rounds, shall we say?

And, if (heaven fortend!) I'm pregnant now (GRICK!!) it'll just smoothly switch over to an oops! too little too late chapter.

Heh.

babbblllllling.

*le sigh*

Still pissed, but getting over it. ADT called C last night because the motion detector in the lounge of the restaurant went off, and they couldn't get in touch with anyone else.  *snicker*  May they get what they give, three times over. hah!

Got a check from my best friend paying me back for the Dominican trip. Me and C are having a very hard time being smart about the money, and are seriously considering blowing it all on a vacation over Xmas break - we could get a timeshare in Fl for 10 days, and if we could find a couple to share it with - that would so rock.

Didn't do a damn thing this weekend, except a lot of sleeping and sex. We finally finished putting the waterbed together, and slept on it the last few nights - very comfy.

Somehow I managed to get a long ass scratch going down the middle of my back, no clue how that happened. In general, I'm falling apart - my hair is a fine mess, I need a pedicure badly, my nails are roughly non-existant, and winterskin has fully set in.

The weather is weird as hell - one second it's snowing,the next second it's sunny, the next second it's snowing sideways AND sunny. I think that I'm handling the first snow of the year rather well - most likely because it's not sticking - and I have a car again. and you know what?  it's actually kinda pretty, but shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh - I didn't say that.

What else? Tired! Have I mentioned that already? Damn, but I wanna sleep. I slept 16 hours Sat night - went to bed around midnight, got back up at 4pm, went to sleep at midnight again, and woke up at 7:45am this morning VERY grumpy. Gah. I don't know if this is just a reallllly bad case of the winter doldrums or what - or some severe PMS, as that's usually the only time I get really tired like this. *sigh*

And I've got three hours straight of meetings. nooooo.....

*thumps head on desk*

Got.fucking.DAMMIT.

I'm never having kids.

Ya know why?

Because of the whole two full time job thing, and the fact that my husband works in the least fucking stable industry EVER.

He got fired. again. DAMMIT.

And - *sigh* the main reason they USED to fire him?

MY fucking holiday party.

Let me lay it out for you.

I call, a week ahead of time to set things up with Do. I tell him - between 30 and 50 people, and we iron out the wrinkles on the menu. Can we choose any appetizer? Sure. Can we choose any soup or salad? Sure. And we are limited to the following entrees: :blahblahblah, right? That's correct. For the veggie options - can we choose any pasta? Sure thing! And can we add one other veggie option? Sure! Will there be an upcharge? Nope!

Call him on the 3rd, to confirm that our party of FORTY-THREE is still coming, and that it's okay for me to print out menus with full descriptions on them to bring with us. Sure - no problem.

We get there Tuesday - and SOMEHOW the message was - a party of 20 (TWENTY????) with TWO preselected apps, ONE soup, ONE salad, and NONE of the veggie entree options on the pre-printed menu that is on our table (singular)  

C had been TOLD a party of twenty was coming - with the limited menu, and that's what he prepared for the night before. He had come in on Monday - his day off, because him and his second had switched nights so C could go to the Pacers game. For a party of just twenty people - he didn't NEED to be there.

I run around frantically, trying to get things in the state that Do and I had AGREED to on Friday, and BUSILY mentally kicking myself because me (the get-it-on-paper-QUEEN) had no real paper trail.

The meal and the party as a whole were FABULOUS. We took up most of a room, and ate,drank, and were very, very merry. Ended up spending close to 2500 - on one of their VERY SLOW nights.

C goes to work the next morning, and they fire him for the delightful reason of  'since you weren't here last night, that means that you don't really care about the restaurant, and you can't be trusted to run the kitchen properly.'

If he had known that it was going to be a party of 50 instead of the TWENTY he was told, he would have been there.  If he had been told that we were going to chose from all of the apps/soups,  he would have been there.  If they had CALLED him when they realized how big our party actually was, he would have been there.

But no, they wait until the next day, and just fire him. The fuck? And - what PISSES me off even more, is that it was MY fucking party - or maybe I feel a little guilty. I DID say that he should go to the game. I COULD have run everything past him about the party beforehand....I SHOULD have gotten a record of what Do and I agreed to.

But I didn't. And they used that as an excuse to fire him. And we live in a fucking no-contest (or whatever the legal term for it is) state, which means they can fire you for any reason what so ever, and you just have to bend over and take it.

Got.fucking.DAMMIT.

*sighs*

And I'm just so damn tired - I hate money. Really. I hate being so tightly fucking bound to it that my whole mood & life are dictated by how unprecarious our already negative net worth hangs on a daily basis.

And - the part that sucks the most is I TOLD him that Da (the main owner) was going to screw him over. I told him that before he even TOOK the job - I honestly wanted him to just drop the whole project.

And I'm even MORE pissed that I brought well over 2K worth of business their way, and they turn around and FUCK my husband over like that -and use MY FUCKING PARTY as the reason. 

Oh. Ohhhhh. I wanna do something to them soooo badly. I know it's bad to illwish them, but I hope the fucking building burns down - no injuries, but I want them fucked.

And not in a good way.

ratbastards.

Oh!

I just remembered I have clay at home.

Clay! The fimo kind too! oooohhhh. I think I'm going to go homeand get creative tonight.

Maybe I'll invent something that'll make it all good.

I also need to find my passport (heh, wouldn't THAT suck) and...damn - there was something else that I need to do that just said 'pffft' outta my head.

Hm. I've started designing a ring again. And it's kinda sad,cuzI think designing it makes me feel less bad about the fact that I'll never be able to afford it - or at lwast no time soon.

The loan for my credit cards will be paid off in Sept. WhoomuthafreakingHHHHHHoooooooooo! That'll be an EXTRA 500 a month that I can dedicate to something worthwhile. Like moving.

Damn waht was the other thing I wanted to do?

Ah. -My laptop got hosed,fatass  G knocked it off the table, totally screwed up the LCD screen - totally. So- now I'm looking for a cheap monitor cuz I'm keeping this computer until it's DEAD - or until I've put 500 bucks into it. Eh.

Something, something. Ohh... this is what happens when you're tired - neurons jsut FORGET to freaking fire.

Ahwell. 4:10. I leave way to early, but I go home now.

Shit, owe the library money too.

 

I'm this kind of Freaky (not yet a) Mama

You're a girl power mommy! You love to be girly,
but you're no pushover. Your kids are learning
that gender differences don't have to mean
gender inequality. You've taken back pink, and
you don't care who knows it!

What kind of a freaky mother are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

*pokes self*

I'm seriously getting fatter. My face is getting round, my pants are getting tight, my thighs are starting to thunder - and I've ONLY gained 5 pounds. Trust me though, for some twisted reason, it's looking more like 15.

I've GOTTA quit smoking. Seriously. I've told myself I'll quit once I lose the IUD, but hey - why wait right?

I want a boob job. Sometimes, I think I might not be so body crazy if I had 27yo boobs instead of the 49+ 3 kids with tandem nursing pair I've got now. I would like to not be flat chested without a bra, and a 38DDD with one. Ew.

Which leads me back to the whole 'I really need to quit smoking' as non-smokers heal SO much better than smokers. And have fewer post-surgical complications.

I also need to quit smoking so that I'll lose weight easier - nicotine blocks some kinda weightloss thingy, and if I lose weight, I might get a boob job covered by insurance due to the disproportionism.

Or of course, I could just win the lottery, collect a shitload of money, and get the boob job myself.

But then, it's almost June, (well, close enough) and my IUD is hitting it's fifth year and it needs to come out and I need - we need to decide what to do about that. Though, as much as I love little ones and know that I'd be a great mommy - I honestly don't think I have it in me to work two full time jobs, take care of myself, my husband, and my house. Hell, make that 2.5 full time jobs. So - if I have the option, I'd rather try to hold off doing both at the same time. But - money. Oh lord child, money. So broke am I.So very,very, very broke. So me quitting is just not. an. option.

So, for right now, getting nicely knocked up isn't going to happen in June. Which means that maybe I'll try to get a boob job in June, as I figure if they aren't going to be used, they might as well be purty.

Which means that I have to quit smoking in January. Mebbe that'll be my birfday present to myself.

Which, by the way, I'll be spending in Geneva. In January. *bbbbbbbbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*

Which sucks, but eh. *shjrugs* it'll be my last trip there. And maybe my last trip out of the country for a while...well that's not true. I'll be traveling to Australia a good bit too, but not MOVING like I wanted to.

See - yet another reason to hold off on procreating - I'm traveling a HELL of a lot, and while they claim to be a very family friendly company, I don't think wearing my kid in a sling at work is going to go over well.

Well, maybe in Australia.

So. I've got FOUR reasons (utterly selfish ones mind you, that have nothing to dowith the well studied, investigated and proven dangers of smoking (which I don't need repeated to me thank you verymuch! sheesh!)) to quit.

1. Healthy Body, Healthy Baby (hopefully at some point in time)


2. Healthy Body, Prettier Boobies!


3. Healthy Body, and less thereof.


4. Healthy Body, fatter pockets (these bitches ain't cheap)

And it's odd - cuz I 'stop' for a week or two, then buy another pack that I blow through in an outrageously short period of time *shrugs* I need a good enough reason (in my head) to really quit, and - well, quite sadly enough, my long term health isn't it (maybe because I see myself only smoking for a short term?) anyhow. Yeah.

Bleh. Fatter I tell you! It's sooo weird - I was getting SMALLER without losing weight, now I'm getting BIGGER without gaining any. I mean - what, is my body eating the muscle and storing it as fat?  I keep trying to tell myself it's a bit of pre-period bloat on top of those fivepounds - but I can't look myself in the face and say that cuz my face is all big & round shaped. Look like I got a damn moon face. Maybe it's water retention? a lil too much salt? HAH! I've made it though my nine months of ignoring my body, and it's about time for me to start paying her somemore attention.

And I'm SO farking tired. My god. I could just curl up and GO. TO. SLEEP. I seriously almost fell asleep at my desk- and I got a solid seven hours of sleep last night.

hmm... maybe it is water retention, cuz my feet or swollen and throbby. And I love these shoes, so it ain't them.

Gah!

*snort*

Failure, failure, failure.

I haven't written a SINGLE bloody word. Oh Well. I guess it wasn't meant to be......

11/20/04

This was a shitload of fun.............

 

---

 

01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink
02. Swam with dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said 'I love you' and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Done a striptease
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Touched an iceberg
20.Slept under the stars
21.Changed a baby's diaper
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Gotten drunk on champagne
25. Given more than you can afford to charity
26.Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
27.Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28.Had a food fight
29.Bet on a winning horse
30.Taken a sick day when you're not ill
31.Asked out a stranger
32.Had a snowball fight
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34.Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Held a lamb
36. Enacted a favourite fantasy
37.Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse
41.Ridden a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
44.Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47.Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
48. Had two hard drives for your computer
49. Visited all 50 states.
50. Loved your job for all accounts
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53.Had amazing friends
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
55. Watched wild whales
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe
58.Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbing
60. Lied to foreign government's official in that country to avoid notice
61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Visited Ireland
64.Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
66. Visited Japan
67. Bench pressed your own weight
68. Milked a cow
69.Alphabetized your records
70.Pretended to be a superhero
71.Sung karaoke
72.Lounged around in bed all day
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74.Scuba diving
75. Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain
77.Played in the mud
78.Played in the rain
79.Gone to a drive-in theatre
80.Done something you should regret, but don't regret it
81. Visited the Great Wall of China
82.Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Dropped Windows in favour of something better
84. Started a business
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
86. Toured ancient sites
87.Taken a martial arts class
88. Sword fought for the honour of a woman.
89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
90. Gotten married
91.Been in a movie
92. Crashed a party
93.Loved someone you shouldn't have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
95. Gotten divorced
96. Had sex at the office
97.Gone without food for 5 days
98.Made cookies from scratch
99.Won first prize in a costume contest
100.Ridden a gondola in Venice
101.Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
105. Got flowers for no reason
106. Masturbated in a public place
107.Got so drunk you don't remember anything
108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
109.Performed on stage
110.Been to Las Vegas..
111. Recorded music
112. Eaten shark
113. Had a one-night-stand
114. Gone to Thailand
115. Seen Moulin Rouge
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both of your parents
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122.Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a check
124. Performed in Rocky Horror
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children
127. Recently bought and played with a favourite childhood toy [Candyland]
128. Followed your favourite band/singer on tour
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131.Found out something significant that your ancestors did
132. Called or written your Congress person
133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
134. ...more than once?
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136.Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
137. Had an abortion, or your female partner did
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived.
140. Wrote articles for a large publication
141. Lost over 100 pounds
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback
142.Had a flashback
143. Piloted an airplane
144.Petted a stingray
145.Broken someone's heart
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a T.V. game show
149.Broken a bone...
150. Killed a human being
151. Gone on an African photo safari
152. Ridden a motorcycle
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of 100mph or faster?
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
155.Fired a rifle, shotgun or pistol
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
157. Ridden a horse
158. Had major surgery..
159. Had sex on a moving train
160. Had a snake as a pet
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
165. Visited all 7 continents
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
167. Eaten kangaroo meat
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
169. Been a sperm or egg donor
170. Eaten sushi
171. Had your picture in the newspaper
172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
173.Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
174. Gotten someone fired for their actions
175. Gone back to school.
176. Parasailed
177. Changed your name
178. Petted a cockroach
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes
180. Read The Iliad
181. Selected one "important" author whom you missed in school, and read him/ her
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
183. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
184. Taught yourself an art from scratch
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
186.Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
187. Skipped all your school reunions
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
189. Been elected to public office
190. Written your own computer language
191.Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
192.Had to put someone you love into hospice care
193. Built your own PC from parts
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you.
195. Had a booth at a street fair
196. Dyed your hair
197: Been a DJ
198: Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal
199:Written your own role playing game
200: Lost your Best Friend for reasons of death

litter issues

Okay... I love my cats, Ido.

I also LOVE having hard wood floors - they are simply the best thing since sliced bread.

However! Thecombination of those two things (cats, ie - litter & wood floors) has created an icky situation -litter is ALL though our house. We walk around and - ick. Little grainy pieces of I don't want to imagine WHAT collect to the bottom of our feet, and just about eveything else - and it's just right icky.

Considering that this MUST be a problemfor more than just me, I went online to look and see what was out there - and bleh. Mats (which I tried in a house with carpet - the brats WOULDN'T walk on them) to complicated screen/carpet combos  (I'm cheap) - but nothing that looks like it would really work.

So....I'm on the hunt/search  for something that will eliminate this problem.  For now, I'm going to try three things - one is to move where their litter boxis so that they have to walk through more of the laundry room (ohhh.... and it REALLY is one!) in order to get into the rest of the house, I'm going to put a bathmat (one of the suggestions I found online) under and in front of the new boxplace -AND I'm going to (try to) sweep at least everyday, instead of just on the weekends when I usually do the full houseclean.

*sigh* I don't know what else todo - I wonder if they would walk on one of those sticky mats like they use in front of the labs to pull residue off of people's shoes?? *snorts* Most likely not. Brats.

So - what have you other cat owners done tocut down on finding litter in places....well - that you REALLLY don't want to?

Shhttuff.

And after all that whinging I did yesterday, what time did I end up going to bed? A little after midnight of course - but by that time, I was actually awake soo....whatever.

I GOT my harddrive! And....*sniff* my computer is ALIVE again. Now, I just need to find someone who can collect whatever is left off of the old hard drive - and I suspect that the battery might be the culprit, because when I have it in, the computer won't even turn on....so YAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also - workertype people are coming to our house today to vent the dryer (though the moisture it was adding to the air really was lovely),  so that I can start it running and leave the house and not worry about burning it down.  We still haven't installed the waterbed (no hose) but... that's coming along nicely.  Our next goal is bookcases, and getting rid of our furniture - it's WAYYYY too big for this place, and makes it feel all cramped and icky. Hopefully, wewill be able to find something for a good deal. Hmm.... I need to scour freecycle again.

*twenty minutes later* Boy! Okay....that was interesting, trying to reorganize all of my yahoo groups. I realized that I have WAYYYYYYYYYYYY too many email addresses, some of which I haven't checked in EONs. 300 unread messages?? *lesigh!!*

Okay -work todo, inone way or another. ta ta!

 

 Ah!!! Readers who have cats - how the HELL do you prevent them from tracking the litter alllllll through the damn house????!!!!

untitled

tired. tired. tired. tired. tired.

Up to my eyeballs in excel.

tired.

wan go sleep NOW.

Cannot.

must work.

bastards!

Catching Up....

Well.... it's been an interesting two weeks - and while there's been plenty of stuff that I've MEANT to write - between life itself, and work, hah - haven't had time. So...let's get started.

1. Sex - whohoo! Not totally perfect, but damn it's a hell of a lot better. Came to a realization over the last few weeks about my - disinterest - I suppose you could say. I'm bisexual, and I've KNOWN this for about 6 years or so. I was always one of those bi folx who believed that if you were with someone, you were with that person - and despite your sexuality - that person alone should be enough. My relationships before C only lasted for about 9 months on average though, which means I never really field-tested that theory. So - in order to remain true to C, I tried to repress my sexuality - acting as if there were two sides of me - the 'straight' side and the 'lesbian' side - and that I could repress one (the lesbian side, obviously) and focus on the other. Instead, what I ended up doing was repressing my sexuality all together - it's an all or nothing game, apparently. So - I think that our little 'conversation' a month ago gave me the 'freedom' to be able to tap back into my full sexuality - and while I still don't crave sex - the thought of a lil freaky deakiness doesn't make me cringe, either. I haven't 'actively' reinstated my bisexuality, but heh - I'm looking forward to it, and knowing that C is cool with it (mildly thrilled, freak that he is) makes it - better in some pretty cool ways. I AM still (kinda sorta) planning on talking to a professional - but with this awareness - hmmm - it'll be interesting to find someone openminded enough in this state - ESP. someone who is recommended by my conservatively republican company.


2. Work - boooo!!! I don't think I've ever worked so freaking hard -ever- but DAMN! was it fun. The last two weeks have been hell on wheels preparing to upgrade and cutover our production system. We got through it the past weekend, finished EIGHT hours ahead of schedule (cuz we fuckin rock) and so far, it sounds good as we haven't heard any screams from the sites. I'm SOO geeked. I've still got a shitload of stuff to do that I put off to get this crap going, but hey - priorities, right? But - perk! I got my 100.00 'Thank you for bending over and being our bitch' gift check on Saturday - but I haven't decided how to spend it just yet. It's between lingere, a sewing machine, or sheets - all things I want, all things I 'kinda' need, and all things that 100.00 bucks would almost cover. Ah! Also found out that I might be able to move to AUSTRALIA as there is a site there that needs support. Italy or Australia?? One thing I LOVE about Australia - they speak ENGLISH! No need to learn a second language (though I need too, but Italian wouldn't be my first choice) So - who knows where I might end up.


3. Home -whhhoooofreakinghooo!!!! First and FOREMOST - Saturday - WE GOT A WASHER AND DRYER. I installed it last night (there was a funny 'gender shift' going on then - I'm in the laundry room, cussing over hooking up the washer & dryer - while C is in the kitchen, washing dishes and cooking dinner -I love us) I was almost in tears loading the first load. I think that this may be the first time I've had my OWN washer and dryer in - years. I certainly haven't had one IN the apartment that I lived in since highschool (make that 1992 - so TWELVE years) - and I honestly can't EVER remember having a washer and dryer IN my house - I've always had to go to coin laundromats. I'm so damn excited I SERIOUSLY don't know what to do with myself. I washed two loads yesterday, and have a SHIT load of stuff to wash that I've had laying around (like blankets) for MONTHS. *sigh* I love it, love it, love it. We ALSO got a queen sized waterbed on Saturday, and worked together to put that together yesterday. We haven't put the mattress in yet (that bitch is HEAVY) but it's taking up most of our bedroom now. Okay - but the COOLEST part of all? We only paid 290 for all three items - 30 bucks (well, 40, as I ain't feel like asking for change once I saw how good shape the bed was in) for the bed, and 250 for the washer and dryer (damn near brand new - not a scratch on them, and the guy had just brought them last year - Kenmore!) I love my work classifieds, and I love my company for making people move and forcing them to sell such lovely items for so outrageously low prices. In other home related news - my NEW hard drive for MY computer should be waiting on my doorstep when I get home today (please treat me right UPS) and I might have a WORKING computer back. Hmm.... maybe I should spend that hundred bucks trying to rescue the data offa my OLD harddrive.


4. Me - whhoooboooo! Okay - the whoo is just because - dammit - I'm happy. I'm content, I'm still broke, but at least I don't FEEL quite so broke, I love my husband again (cycles Kimmie?) and - well....things are going well. The booo is because - I'm GAINING weight again. And yes, it's most likely all the sugar and coffee and starch and just generally bad shit I've been eating lately. I KNOW I'm going back on 'realfood' on Jan 1 (no matter what country I'm in) and I'm considering scooping up one of those hypnotic CD's like 'Rella's got and vibing to that until the end of the year - priming the pump so to speak.

---

I have utterly no comment to make about the election except for that fact that I was sick to my stomach all day on the 2nd, and just plain freaking depressed on the 3rd. The concept of allowing love to shine in ALL it's forms was considered immoral - but a bloody war started for no reason killing who knows how many civilians IS moral......dammit America, how STUPID and NARROWMINDED can you get? *sigh* Shit. So yeah. It's kinda frustrating though - we know that we are stuck with him for the next four years - so at this point, I guess all that we can do is try to mitigate the damage he can cause. *sigh* Shit.

Umm.... I think that's about it for now.

Wow!

That was fast - it's 8pm the day before Nano - and I JUST realized it.

I haven't thought much more about my book - I've given the main character a last name, but other than that - that's it.

And oddly enough - I'm not going to think about it. I'm just going to - run with it. How utterly unlike me, and I think I'll give it up in about three weeks and 25K words but I think I'll have a shitload of fun doing it.

I'm going to aim for 2K words a day - I'm sure there will be points where I won't be able to work on it - or where I just give up, but - I'll try my damnedest.

The List - 4 years later

Reposting this - I originally made the list in December of 2000. It's close enough to four years later - and I'm just going to bold all of the ones that I"ve done.

1. Go to Egypt and stare at the stars
2. Sleep under water
3. Cruise all seven seas
4. Visit Africa
5. Bring my family back together
6. Find my passion
7. Write a novel that more than just my friends think is good
8. Have an exhibit of my art in a museum before I die
9. Work for National Geographic as a photographer
10. Go on an archaeological dig for the Mayans or the Egyptians
11. Go into outer space
12. Watch a meteor shower
13. See a comet
14. Give birth…more than once
15. Make new friends
16. Get married
17. Buy the perfect house
18. Learn how to drive
19. Learn how to speak
20. Write like I think
21. Exercise
22. Lose 100 pounds (75..... I'm getting closer!)
23. Love myself
24. Fall in love
25. Never worry about money again
26. Learn how to be empathic
27. Learn how to be symphatic
28. Become a martial arts master
29. Become a ballerina
30. Get a tattoo
31. Learn Japanese
32. Forgive
33. Forget
34. Go through boot camp
35. Make my first million
36. See perfectly
37. Buy a new car
38. Bake a perfect loaf of bread
39. Fly the way I do in dreams
40. Make magic
41. Get a cat
42. Go to New York City
43. Learn how to draw
44. Go EVERYWHERE!
45. Talk to Maya Angelou and Octavia Butler and Alice Walker and Nikki Giovanni and Nsotake Shange
46. See For colored girls who have considered suicide when the rainbow was enuf
47. Figure out my family tree
48. Become a super hero
49. Let go
50. Hold on
51. Create bigger dreams
52. Ride amtrak across america
53. Have a real honeymoon
54. Treat myself better
55. Speak UP!
56. Let my emotions go
57. Forgive myself
58. Become a better photographer
59. Become a worse doormat (working on it!!)
60. Go white water rafting
61. Lock my hair
62. Go blond (okay - you can't really tell, but it ain't for lack of trying)
63. Get shorter
64. Get taller
65. Play sports
66. Learn how to swim
67. Play a video game
68. Mingle
69. Grow old gracefully
70. Sa y what I mean and what I feel when I mean and feel it
71. Write more letters
72. Write more cards
73. Write more
74. Develop a personality
75. Finish what I start
76. Go out in the country and go camping under the stars
77. Buy a good telescope
78. Feel gorgeous
79. Splurge on myself
80. Go for what I don't know
81. Step out on Faith
82. Gain faith
83. Believe
84. Take singing lessons
85. See Meshell Ndgeachello and Janet Jackson and Jamaroqui and D'Angelo and Rachelle Ferrell and Macy Gray and Nina Simone and Boyz II Men and Jill Scott in concert
86. Complete my music collection
87. Start my music collection
88. Become a collector of things
89. Become less sexist
90. Relate to that which is different
91. Create traditions
92. Grow Up
93. Stay in touch with my inner child
94. Own my own bookstore
95. Create something totally new
96. Be healthy
97. Be strong
98. Be real
99. Get back all the friends I ever lost
100. Stay true to myself…

---

Boy - I've got a lot of work to do!

---

rushed....

So. I'm happy - and guiltily excited. He's happy - and just relieved that he'll have a chance to get some on a regular basis. It's - weird - how big of a stink this whole thing was casuing over our WHOLE relationship - and now - it feels almost right again. I'm still going to call the counselor (maybe today in fact) but - at least I don't feel like dying/crying/or getting a divorce. Hah. I can't never do stuff normally......

In other news - my husband is NOT a registered voter. Can I tell you how hard I'm going to pop him upside the head next time I see him? I'm registered - under my maiden name (I knew there was a reason I never changed the name on my passport). I knew I was, but couldn't remember where I lived when I registered....so - he'll have to drive me to the polls on the 2nd. The big bum.

I'm going home early, as it's Friday, I've got stuff to do but I'm so restless at work that I can't do it - and besides both of my bosses are out today. Kiss my ass.

I hate Indy. I don't think I've mentioned that lately, but this city sucks. I was looking for a halfway good alternative bookstore - and nothing. Nada. Shit on a stick. My best bet is to go to the biggest Borders and hope that living in the bible belt hasn't resulted in TOO much censorship (hah) or just suck it up, go to Amazon, and wait a week.

Hyper am I. Bloated am I as well. I blame it on the three (yes, I'm a greedy sugar loving woman) Long's doughnuts I had this morning. Long's is a local brand - and they are better than Krsipy Kreme. They kinda taste the same, but they are much better in one very important way - they still taste WONDERFUL cold. KK's - if you let them sit for too long - they get all - ucky. but Longs???? yuuummmm..... so yes - my digestive system is currently calling me everything BUT a child of god.

Hmm... cab's taking a while. *sigh* I wan go HOME!

deja vu

"so how does it feel to be in the couple and not the incoming freak?"

Very, very, very odd.

We talked. We cried.... a lot actually. We realized that yeah, we do have options - I don't HAVE to change, and neither does he. I realized that yeah, he does love me - and he confirmed that he always knows that I love him.

Good lord help me, I'm stepping BACK into the lifestyle. I was smoking something yes, but this is CRAZY.

*laugh* And so much fun. Good lord.

psyche

without knowing
her story
how can i consicously
avoid her
pain?

I watched my mother become a virtual Jekyll and Hyde - all for love of a man who after 9 long years of confusion, love, paind and dedication, she finally gave up on. She changed into another woman when he was home, from the one she was when she was alone. During the times they were broken up, she was an entirely DIFFERENT woman - strong, agressive, intelligent, outspoken - and the second she got married again it was like all of her fire just whoosh! gone. By the time I was 10, I hated it. I LIKED my mother unmarried, and I didn't care if we had to live in a shelter - I'd take that woman over any man and any kind or amount of love ever. But she kept going back. Three times. 9 years. What change finally broke her down? Was it the long simmering grief of the first, or last - and with it the sudden realization that she wasn't herself anymore - and that she COULDN'T be herself with him? And that - I think - more than anything else buried in my pysche, is what makes me so hestitant to change myself for love. I don't want to step even the least bit on that slippery slope of reshaping myself into an image that best pleases him - and forgetting (or just plain neglecting) what pleases me. I don't want to change into a wife and lose who I've worked so damn hard over these last 27 years to become. I'm not ready to just fold and become this - other woman. I happen to like the one I already am.

I've no clue what their sex life was like, but I do know that she never taught me that sex was a requirement, prerequisite, or reflection of love. It was somethng that adults did, some something that lead to disease and babies, and something that felt remarkably good - but sex was  love? Never that.  I grew up knowing how to laugh with ease at the boys who told me that if I loved them I would have sex with them - I was never that naive. I learned that love does make sex feel better - but some of the best sex I've ever had in my LIFE has been with folx I don't love in the least - and most of the people that I love most - I've never had sex with. The connection jsut doesn't - exsist for me. At all.

And now - I'm facing more or less the same - comment - but now in a grownup wrapping. He's my husband - and I'm supposed to want to have sex with him, right? Because I love him, right? And the fact that I even question it makes me feel - guilty. Unnatural - broken somehow. And at the same time - I feel deeply resentful of the thought that I will haveto change something about me to please him - and the pressure, and the guilt, and the resentment of my stubborn refusal makes it worse - I mean - how dare I not want to please him, and how dare he demand that I please him and why can't we just get along in peace?

Because he won't change and I don't want to.

And then there's the compromise - of course.  Once or twice a week - nicely scheduled. How delightful. A onerous duty that comes at a certain time is no more a pleasure than one that sneaks up on you in suprise. And perhaps there's the issue - why do I think of it as an onerous duty? Because I'm not interested. Why aren't I interested? That - that is the crux of it. It's not as if I'm sexually repressed - I'm about the most cheerfully phsycially affectionate sensual person I know - I just *shrugs* have little to no interest in the actual dirty. Do I come? Yup - no problems in that area. It's just - *sigh* I don't know. And I feel like finally I'm adult enough to admit it - and I married the wrong man for that particular admission. So - either I change, or he goes.  And both options make me cringe.

aftermath

So. We talked last night. And - it's at an impasse. He can't see himself living for the rest of his life in a low-sexed marriage. I can't see myself faking desire for the rest of my life - and I suppose the ball is in my court - as I'm the one who would have to change. And - it's kinda sad, because in the moment, when it's all emotional and I know that we have just about reached the end of our rope, I'm willing to say or promise anything to keep him there (I guess I do love him deep in the pits of my heart) but in the cold light of morning (or late afternoon as the case may be) -well - I wonder just how much I have to change in order to satisfy him, and whether I should change in order to do it.

I mean - I know me - or at least I'm learning me slowly but surely. I like sex - yes - but I don't like it like I like cheese - something that I want to have on a regular basis and don't think I could ever get enough of. I like it more like I like going to see a big-screen movie - it's fun to do, but if I only do it once a year, I won't really feel like I'm missing anything. Through most of my life, the sex I've had has been - hmmm - inspired by something outside of me. After I left high school, I'd guess that about 10% of the sex I had was sober, and even then it was - an exploration, I suppose you could say. It wasn't something that I felt like I NEEDED - and maybe it jsut was because I knew I could get it anytime I want.  If anything, most of the time it was something I felt like I owed to this other person - fair trade for services (or kindness) given. When I was dating Tasha, sex was how you made friends - instead of swapping trading cards on the playground, I swapped dicksucking across the couch - and really - I didn't mind - it was what was expected. And even then - once I had the freedom in a relationship - and the comfort - it simply wasn't high on my list of things to do with her - or with anyone else.

Then - after not having sex (at least not with a man) for close to nine months, well - I fell into bed, got pregnant, and for a while, swore off of men - more for the fact that the thought of me having a child with any of the knuckleheads I associated with scared the living crap out of me. And if one more gotdamn person tries to tell me that the abortion is the reason I feel the way I do about sex - ESPECIALLY another gotdamn MAN (the women all seem to have more sense) I'm going to slap the taste out of his mouth. But - in looking back over my own sexual history - I've learned/noticed something - even when I was in the height of my slutyears, I never really - desired sex. I desired friendship, and closeness, and snugglies, and intimacy - and quickly found that the fastest way to get all that was to take my clothes off and spread em. 

But that was years ago - and I've gotten older - and more comfortable with myself, and my own worth - and I know that I am worth so much more than just sex - and that I deserve that intimacy and friendship and closeness - without having to fuck someone for it. And so - I've become much more reluctant to have sex (or 'make love') just to satisy someone else.  I'm much less willing to submit my desires, my wishes - especially in such an intimate aspect of  myself - just to keep someone else happy.  I've established boundaries of who I think I am, and who I am happy and comfortable in being - and - I don't know if I'm willing - no, that not true - for him and for our marriage I know I'm willing - but I don't think I'll be happy in the least changing who I am to something that - I'm not - and I'm not really comfortable with.

Maybe it is a power thing. Maybe it is a control thing. But - whatever it is, it's me.

Even still - I'm carrying around the number to my companies mental health hotline. They deal with sexual dysfunction - and maybe, one night, I'll give in and call and ask them to make me want to have sex with my husband. And maybe they will talk me or drug me into it - and maybe I'll be happy and satisifed and still feel like the woman that I am - and maybe I won't become bitter or resentful and feel like the most important part of me is the part between my legs, and maybe I'll get some sort of sense of power from it.  I haven't made a choice yet one way or another - and a large part of it is because I'm forced to wonder - can there be love and devotion and faithfulness and companionship and partnership and - love - between two adults who are attracted to each other - without sex (or with only occasional sex), and without feeling as if they are denying any part of themselves? Or am I an abberation who needs treatment to get over whatever mental block I have that is such a part of me that - I actually consider it part of myself? I like sensuality - intercourse is eh. I love kissing - sucking dick, is eh. I love holding and touching and rubbing and heaven help me if it leads towards sex - it's okay - but it's better somehow if it doesn't. Maybe I'm just still in the humping stage of life. Or maybe I'm regressing. Or maybe I just need to call and they'll tell me that I actually AM okay.

And maybe that's what I'm afraid of most of all.

babysteps

I know things haven’t felt very good lately, and I know things with us aren’t going smoothly – but I don’t know how to fix them and not break either of us.

I can’t – or maybe I just won’t – be sexual dynamo of a woman that you want – that you need. And – I’ve tried. I know you might doubt that, or you might think I haven’t tried hard enough – but I have tried. And.....I can’t fake it anymore. It’s breaking my heart to say this – but I can’t be that other woman for the rest of my life, because every time I have to fake it – every time I have to ‘suck it up’ and just do it – I stop loving you a little more. I can’t understand how something so simple is worth so much to you – and I try to love you in every way that I know how to make up for the lack of being able to love you in the way you want most – and I just fail because it just doesn’t feel like love to me. And I get bitter that you don’t seem to care about how I feel – that you’d rather me fake it – and I react in such childish ways that I feel like I should apologize, but I’m so tired of trying to fit into your image of what I should be – that I just – can’t.

I hate the fact that we barely talk, and when we do, it’s like walking on eggshells. I hate the fact that you don’t even seem to want to say hello, or goodbye, or good luck, or have a nice day, or kiss me, or smile at me – all because I can’t satisfy you sexually.

It makes me feel like shit – like everything else that is good (or that was good) in our relationship is once again secondary to the fact that I can’t make love to you as often or as vigorously as you need it. That everything that is good about me is secondary to the fact that I can’t open my legs often enough or with enough joy and enthusiasm.

And yes – when we first got together, I was more of a dynamo – I can’t dismiss that – though I do regret it, because I think that I gave you false hopes. And it’s making me miserable – and I suspect you’re pretty miserable too. And I apologize with all my heart for that – for the fact that just maybe, you walked into this hoping that woman would come back for all the time and not for just brief high moments in life – or once every sexless three months.

I’ve tried to pin it on the restaurant, and you just being stressed, and busy and just not having enough time to handle the chaos of the restaurant and the stress of our lives together too – but – I can’t take it.

I miss you – we haven’t seemed ‘right’ since I got back from Geneva – and I had hoped that things would be – at least okay for a while. And then – you wouldn’t even sleep next to me for the whole first week I was home – and I still can’t figure out why. Did I do something to you? Did I say something that made you think that I wouldn’t welcome you? Even if it wasn’t for sex, but just to be able to lay next to my husband? Or were you just too tired to climb the steps and get into bed? A couple of coworkers and I were talking about what the first thing we were going to do when we got home – and I told them that I was going to lay in my bed, under my covers, with my husband, and celebrate being home – and I didn’t even mean it sexually – I just meant that being able to hold you and touch you and laugh with you and smile at you and do all of those things – it would just feel right. I would feel at home.

And yet – every time you are home it’s – strained. I feel like you are angry at me, or disappointed in me, and until Saturday, I didn’t think I had given you a reason to act like that towards me – and after a week of silent treatment, I really wasn’t in the mood at all – not in the mood to do it, and certainly not in the mood to fake it so that you could be happy.

And I don’t know what to do. Even if I did take drugs – that would get my body involved, but my heart and mind would still be griping and bitter about the fact that I have to do something again, that in all honesty, I don’t want to do. Maybe I could get counseling to convince me that this is something that I should be doing – that would be right, and would keep you happy – but – it wouldn’t be true.

And I think that is the thing that makes me the saddest is that I feel like one way or another, I HAVE to lie about my true feelings – or at the very least change them and mask them - in order to keep you happy. And that if I let a glimpse of what I’m really feeling out – it’s not going to please you. And I’ve lied to you in this way for so long that it’s TOTALLY my fault at this point – and I can totally understand you being pissed off at me for letting it go on this far – but I figure better late than never. And I hope that you understand that none of it was malicious, and none of it was hurtful – it was all done for your love – I wanted it – I needed it – and I was willing (for awhile) to ignore what my own heart was telling me in order to keep you.

I’ve been thinking about this since I’ve gotten back, and when you asked me if I was happy with you – all of this was on my mind, but – it wasn’t YOU that I’m unhappy with or about – it’s me. I’m feeling like a major failure here – and I’m starting to wonder if my younger self’s declaration that she would never get married was a wise one.

I love you Corey – that I do. But – it hurts right now, and I’ve never been into pain and we’ve gotta talk if we want to fix it – and as much as I hate conflict and confrontation – I can’t take it anymore – and I sure you are sick of it too.

I wrote this all down because it flows from my ‘pen’ better than me trying to speak it ever could – and I can reread it to be sure that what I’m saying is really what I’m trying to say – and I hope that when you read this you can hear my heart speaking to you more honestly than ever before – and respond lovingly.

errors

I know who I am - it's just that, I'd forgotten for a while. Or maybe not forgotten, just ignored the me that I really am.

And then I was free for a little while - free from bills, free from personal pressures, free from expectations, and all of a sudden, I met me again - and I found out that damn, I LOVED me - I missed me. And - I wanted to hold on to me.

But then I came back. And I think that maybe I've been really unfair to the man that I married - because I didn't give him a chance to really know me - instead the only woman he's known has been one trying to squeeze herself into his image of what she should be. From the start - to the middle - to now - I've worked so damn hard to be what he wants - and kept squishing down the comments about what I wanted - who I was - what I expected. And I love him enough - loved him enough - to do that without a quiver.

Then - then we got married. And suddenly - the realization of the longterm effects of this kept rushing in. I would have to do this - forever. Until one of us died - and it got harder. I got more - desparate. I've built myself into a lovely little corner, and it wasn't until I remembered what it was like outside of that corner did I really realize how tight it was. 

And now, I feel frozen and horrible and so very very guilty - because I'm almost sure that the woman that I am, isn't the woman that C married - no, I know she isn't that woman, and I don't think that she is a woman he would have married. And I feel like I tricked him - all in love, and without the least bit of maliciousness - I tricked him into believing that me could make him happy - could keep him happy - could be a good wife (in his image of what a good wife is). And - I'm utterly terrified of telling him that it isn't true - that I've lied, and concealed - all for love - all for his love - but now I remember and love me too much for even his love to be worth it.

And the really sad part is that the warning signs were there - I knew that it would be a hard uphill battle for me - and I hoped - I thought - that maybe my love would make it easier - less - like duty and more like pleasure. And it's all so BLOODY stupid. Why can't I just - do it? *laugh* Why can't he accept the fact that I don't want to just do it? Why do we have to keep going through these stupid cycles of silence and hurt that I know I've caused and the one thing that I could do to ease him through - to ease us through - is the one thing that caused the pain in the first place?

And life is too short to fake it - and that's about where we've reached. I fake it until I'm tired, and he seems satisfied, and I get bitter. Or I don't fake it, and he gets bitter, but I'm - satisfied. Or - in those rare moments of sychronity, I don't have to fake it, and it's wonderful for a while - but between work and silence and general discomfort caused by the last three times - those times come about literally once in a blue moon. And I KNEW this - and he knew this, and we both hoped that love would help us - overcome it.

And I think at the root of it all, this is why I'm doubting if we should have ever gotten married. *laugh* I always wondered what an irreconcilable difference was - what could so split a couple that nothing that they could do could get them over it - and there was no way they could survive the difference - and the difference was there beforehand, and I couldn't - couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that it could be that big of a deal.

I hope he's off tonight - because I have to talk to him. I have to know what trumps in his heart, mind & body........ and I think I know - but I hope I'm wrong.

Survey

And the part that freaks me out the most? I'm NOT upset. I mean, yeah - I worried, and a little confused - but I'm not sad, depressed, scared - I'm just my normal self with what should be a huge worry perched over my head that I am able to be so freaking - calm about it's scary.

Now - on to the survey. ...

 

---

 

Z - Zodiac sign: Capricorn
Y - Yummy food: Good Greek or Lebanese
X - X-rays you've had: Only teeth.
W - Wearing right now: pink cotton shirt, black teeshirt with Pink Panther blowing a kiss at a pink sequined heart, blue jeans, black heels. 
V - Voting for: Democratic party since I have to choose 
U - Unknown fact about me: I have a total of 8 pierced holes in my body 
T - Time you wake up: Of my own free will? after 9am. In order to get to work? 6:45am 
S - Song you last heard: Toxic by Britney Spears (it's my ringtone) 
R - Reason to smile: The sun is shining and it's a beautiful fall Friday.  
Q - Quote you like: See entry 'Litany'  
P - Phobia: Spiders. As usual. 
O - One time on accident: I flashed half a club as I slipped on someones spilled beer - in a white skirt none the less. Thankfully, no stains remained.
N - Number of siblings: 1half (as far as I know).
M - Mom's name: Naeelah
L - Love to watch this movie over and over again: Dogma
K - Kindergarten reminds you of: Slapping the cheeks of a little boy who had no respect for learning.
J - Job title: System Analyst 
I - Instruments: My voice? It's the only thing that's even been vaguely trained.
H - Home town: Chester, Pa. 
G - Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms: SOUR Gummy worms.
F - Favorite song of the moment: Anything that makes me wanna shake my ass. 
E - Easiest person to talk to: Chris.
D - Dad's name: Rayford
C - Career in future: Midwife
B - Band listening to right now: Nothing.
A - Age: 27.

AROUND THIS TIME THREE YEARS AGO, I...
1. was engaged.
2. had been out of the country.
3. just got a second cat.

AROUND THIS TIME ONE YEAR AGO, I...
1. was madly in love.
2. had fallen in love with Geneva.
3. was hating my apartment.

YESTERDAY (as in Thursday), I...
1. didn't want to go home.
2. read a book in one sitting.
3. didn't go to bed early enough.

TODAY, I...
1. was bored until 2:30pm
2. am not going home - instead I'm going to shake my ass.
3. plan on having a roaring good time.

THREE ITEMS I HAVE BRAND-LOYALTY TO ARE...
1. Nothing, actually.

THREE SONGS I KNOW ALL THE WORDS TO ARE...
1. Everything Must Change - Oleta Adams
2. Roll Over
3. I Get So Lonely - Janet Jackson 

TOP THREE LOCATIONS I'D LIKE TO RUN AWAY TO ARE...
1. Cairo!
2. Miami
3. Venice

FIRST THREE PEOPLE I THINK ABOUT ON A DAILY BASIS ARE...
1. Me
2. C
3. my mom

Well....

That was an interesting little trip down memory lane.  I hate the fact that the old entries show up as new ones despite the fact that I ahve them set up in separate chapters, but oh well - I don't feel like reshuffling my diary all about that badly - I just wanted to try to recreate a record of what at least part of the life I've spent with him has been.

And I'm sad to say, that I was lying to myself - or maybe I was lying to protect some stupid image of him that I had created. but no - I'm cutting them short.

I didn't wreck my Madza - he did. We were intoxicated, driving home from dinner, he ran a red light and totaled the car. He was also a little tipsy when he totalled HIS car a few weeks ago - thankfully not over the limit, otherwise he would be in jail. *sigh*

The reason the wedding was delayed wasn't because we didn't HAVE enough money - he didn't pay the credit card bill and they dropped our limit down to exactly how much we had charged on it - a difference of almost 5K. So yeah, there went those wedding plants.

If I'm going to stay with him (and after reading, and rereading, and rereading our vows - I've got to give it at least a little more of a chance) I've got to be honest - with myself about who he is, with myself about who I am - and with him about who I see him as, and who I am.

And I'm not going to front - it's going to be hard as fuck for me. I don't LIKE conflict - period. I'd much rather suffer in silence or run than rock the boat. And maybe that's part of what's scaring me - I CAN'T be silent for the rest of my life - and I certainly can't suffer.

But I'm afraid of what will happen when I stop biting my tongue in order to keep the peace - how could I NOT realize what I've been doing? He'll say something - not that I think he's totally wrong, but perhaps slightly offbase - like his comment this morning about the stupid mexican woman who took up two parking spaces - I saw her stop, leap out the truck and RUN to the house with all the signs of SERIOUSLY having to pee - I giggled a little, to be honest, cuz I've had days like that too - and when he said that - I wanted to defend her - to say that he had no right to call her stupid and that she DID live here and that she had a perfectly good reason for parking that way  - but instead I just bit my tongue - I mean - why even bother? It wouldn't do me any good, it wouldn't do him any good as he would just get that 'There she goes contradicting me to support some stranger' attitude, and the boat would have been rocked. 

And I'm not sure how much of it is 'wisely picking battles' and being mature enough to know when nothing should be/needs to be said - and how much of it is just knuckling down and keeping the peace. Where the hell is that line? And considering that I'm opininated as FUCK - it's going to be really hard for me to develop a line that doesn't end up with us arguing over EVERYTHING - I just don't have the emotional STRENGTH for that. But - I don't think I have the heart to stay silent either.

I feel like I can't talk to him about money because when we first got together, thats the only thing that he did that made me really expressively upset - I'm a VERY Fiscally responsible person (normally) and the fact that he owes utlities SHITLOADS of money (and still does, which is why they are ALL in my name) that he really had no intention of paying back - it bothered me. And I didn't want him to ever think that I would just lean back and support him - he HAD to chip in. And he would be late, or spend the money on something else - or come up with some excuse always - and it truly pissed me off.  And now - I feel like I CAN'T bug him about it (the whole 400 thing is really irking me and since I came up with the number, I don't know why - or maybe it's the insurance.....) because once again - he will think that because that's the only thing I'm getting really upset about - it's the only thing I really CARE about. But that's not true - it's just that it's the only thing I feel totally comfortable to claim that I am RIGHT about - and therefore I am in the moral position to ask him to reach my level.

And this is why I need a therapist - cuz I can't tell all this to my friends - they don't know C well enough to understand all of the magic that is him and to integrate the ugliness that is in him too without losing a measure of the fondness they have for him. I'm afraid taht as I fall out of love (I'm working on the cycle idea) that as the soft cotton of  romantic passionate love and bliss fall from my eyes (surely to return) that I will start to hate him. And each time I fall back in love, there's still going to be a little more hate left from the last time - until even love can't overcome it.

That's what I'm afraid of.

wanderlust

I'm like a pendulum, ya know? I force myself one way, and then the pressure to give in becomes more than the pressure to keep myself up, and a swing madly and furiously and swiftly to the other side.

I've been good, for a long time. Kind, caring, self-sarcifing, sweetly compromising, giving, reading all the right self-help books, trying to become this - person that I felt pressured to be. And my, how the pendulum has swung. I want to be a selfish, contrary, digustingly independant BRAT. I wanna spend money, and run the streets, and play hooky from work, and go crusing with the sunroof open and bass rattling every single window. I wanna wear very high heels and very short skirts and dance for hours with good smelling men that I'll never see again. I want to laugh so hard I cry while sitting in the middle of a group of other wonderfully free fine and exceptional women. I want to be responsible for nothing but me, and have no one depend on me for anything.

And yeah, I know that there is no rule that says you can't be married and do all that. And yeah, I know there are plenty of married women who DO do all of that - and still manage to keep everything happy at home. And maybe, just maybe I can be one of those women - hell, I certainly know that I've got the potential - so why not put it into practice? *grins* I would say that I just don't know HOW - but as I love to tell l - don't worry about the knowing - just DO it.

---

Hm. I was rummaging around in Reader's Choice and saw the suggestion for how to find all of the old entries - I did that on my computer, and guess what popped up? The download of my Wedding Diary. I'm going to repost it in it's own chapter - but hm. I just found that interesting as all get out. I'm rereading it now, and - it's kinda interesting. I wrote some things that I really do think I need to reread now - things that came from ME and that might just help me over this hump.

I went bookshopping last night (at a fullprice store too!) and found a book called 'Marriage for Grownups'. It seemed to have the right blend of humor, experience, and wisdom for me - something to gnaw on and percolate through my head. I haven't started reading it yet - but I figure I'll whoosh through it in one night.

---

Our house is - dirty. Not totally and utterly filthy, as I cleaned the upstairs last weekend, but it certainly needs a bit of work. And you know what? I''m not touching it until Saturday. In fact, I have no intentions of cleaning more than once a week. It's satifactory to me, it keeps most of the nastiness under control, and it eases any guilty stressly feelings I might have about my ability as a homemaker. *gag* Yes, I said that and the fact that I said it is almost sickening considering it's just as much HIS home as it is mine and therefore there are really two homemakers up in there, but hell - I've been throughly socialized in ways that caused be to lose my religion (literally) so hey - it's going to take a while for me to totally free my mind from the bullshit.

And ya know what? The fact that he works slightly longer hours than I do doesn't mean shite to me. We should contribute equally to our home in one way or another, and considering its like pulling fucking teeth to get him to AGREE to give 400 bucks a month to cover his half of the bills (and heaven knows, I'm STILL going to have to ask for it every, single, fucking, month) the fact that he works more isn't bringing anything additional to the home. Am I being too rough? I'm trying to find a balance between telling him that - who cres if you work longer - this is your house too, and if I have to clean, YOU have to clean - and greeting him when he comes home with a cold beer, a pair of slippers in my hand and a seethrough nighty made of saranwrap on. And then I wonder if I even have room to complain - I mean - hell - should I base my satisifaction on what others are lucky to get or on what I WANT? And is what I want asking for too too much?

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I'm soooo damn tired. I feel pulled like taffy - and my eyes keep twitching. I haven't had twitchy eye in YEARS - side effect of stress, not enough sleep, and too much damn thinking. Work is - whipping my mental ass. I leave work everyday and just start walking towards downtwon to give my brain a chance to come back in out of the cold. I've grown to not want to go straight home every night from work - what's there that I need to go to? No husband, two greedy cats, and a television that is actively rotting my brain. I've got no REASON to go home - esp. when I'm bored and want to make friends (and I certainly can't do that mewed in the house). So I go out wandering - looking for someplace that can be a hangout spot for me - and so far - nada. One Irish pub seems kinda fun - but the bar is set up oddly, so you can't really get a good people watching position. The Noodle is okay - but too many coworkers go there, and I have to admit, I don't wanna be seen hanging out in a bar all lonely only by people who know me. There are a couple other spots - but I haven't been dressed to go to them yet. Hm. I've really developed a higher level of clothing snobbery than I ever thought was possbile for me. My clothes are my armor - and now that the armor fits so nicely, it's become even more important that my clothing present me how I feel that I am - that they give off the correct 'attitude' in first impressions. So - haven't been to Nicky Blaines, or the Olive - I just wasn't dressed to present myself there.

Tonight though - I'm going out to party. Haven't decided if I'm going to go home first, and then go out, or if I'll lounge around downtown for a couple of hours beforehand. *sigh* I SO wish I had some friends here that I could call and we could kick it for awhile after work - but even the cool people I know are work people - and at home, that's a line that just isn't crossed. It fascinates me that everyone is so damn eager to go HOME at the end of the night. I have to admit, I CERTAINLY want to get the hell out of here once 5pm rolls around - but I also most CERTAINLY don't want to go home.

I was considering putting an ad in one of the free weeklys along the lines of - Solo Party Animal looking for a Herd - i figure optimistically that I can't be the only late-20something (EEE!!! Eeeee!!!)in Indy in this position. But of course, my lack of a car severely hinders me in getting around in ANY shape or form, as this is most certainly NOT a bus city. I waitied for damn near an hour last night for a bus (and it's really starting to get nipply) and finally gave up and caught a cab home. 50 bucks a week. for a fucking cab. *sigh*

circles
swooping through my head
the same thougts
of anger
love and dread
i must break free
without breaking him
or me.