GAG, SPIT, HISSSSSSSSSSSS

I don’t like being manipulated. I don’t like people even trying to manipulate me. And once I realize you have tried, it’s gonna be like getting blood out of a radish for me to do another damn thing for you without it just being my own urges.

I like the OD because it gives me a chance to read about and try to understand the political leanings of others. There are some people on my favorites list whose political views make me physically nauseous, but I read them anyway, just to see another side of the story. On my own, and in my day to day life, I wouldn’t interact with people who held those kind of views…here…I can try to stomach it. I’m a liberal…I know that without a doubt…but… I am a liberal who believes that the government should keep its poky nose outta my business…and out of most of the business that it is in. Some things should be subsidized, the things that are needed to insure every citizen has at least a CHANCE at a productive life. *sighs* I need to compose my thoughts and then spill then out. : ) I have created so many plans for a perfect government it is ridiculous…and while I am sure most of them are unreasonable… sometimes…just sometimes…America sucks. *sighs* This is ridiculous… I am wayyyyyy too unknowledgable. *sighs* But really… politics vaguely disgusts me. So many lies.
I think I’m going to go to lunch…wash the icky taste outta my mouth.

Stay Jazzed.
*Grins* Thanks ya'll... I knew there was a WORD for the general gist of my idealogies...but I couldn't remember what it was...*merrily strolls off to read about libertarianism*

Position of Power

I wonder how much one man can do in four years.
Will he be able to warp so many of our freedoms, and chip away at so many of our rights, that America will be radically changed?
How much influence will W. realy have?
I have never been much of one to be interested in politics, mainly because they seemed to deal with things that were far from me. Now however, I am very interested...

A sudden thought. If the access to abortion is limited to only women who have become pregnant as a result of rape or incest or when the mother life is threatened...I wonder how much the number of reported rapes will go up. It is already hard enough to prove in a court of law that a woman was raped...how the hell is she going to prove in an abortion clinic that she was raped?

Drawn out Blabbering...

Ugh. I am soooo sleepy. Partially a food coma after eating a horrendously luscious and rich slice of Death by Chocolate, and partially because I didn’t go to sleep last night until almost 2am. It wasn’t insomnia, I just.. wasn’t really tired. And even now… I’m sleepy.. but I’m not TIRED. Anyhow… I was reading (I’m sure that added to the whole not tired thing) these cat mysteries, and so when I went to sleep, my dreams were filled with cats.

Meow Meow Mwwr… *sighs* I want a kitty cat!! I want kitty cats!!! I have figured out their names too… I did it just as I was falling asleep last night. One is going to be called Nikki, the other Giovanni.. or Gio for short. Nikki & Gio…. Nice ring to it huh? I wonder if she even LIKES cats…but then again…what kind of poet doesn’t like cats?

Hmm.. I’m on ISCA talking to a gentleman who is over 600 pounds. He is a model…for various things. *blinks* It’s odd…you see people who are very overweight *hangs head* but you never really put a number to it. Wow. He just showed me his webpage and picture. Wow…I shall never ever ever ever ever ever complain about how much I weigh again. I am blessed. Oh my god… okay. *blinks* It’s amazing… I can talk to perfect s trangers face to face about all sorts of sexual misadventures, but I am stuttering and stammering and blushing furiously while talking to this man about his weight. It that like a sad comment on the state of taboos in america… or just on the state of taboos in my head? Sex is not forbidden, and in fact is something to be vaguely proud of.. but being overweight… THAT is a sin that you can’t escape. Oh mercy.. I have fallen into the Beauty Myth. *puts head into hands and sobs*

ARGH! And then I think the stupid firewall is cycling… so I keep getting booted from my telnet connection. Dammit…he seems like an interesting person. Hm He is.
Reading about atheists… dear god, I think I might be an atheist. *shakes head* nahhhh. I’m…a person. A spiritual person. Yeah. I believe in god(dess)…hm. *shakes head* Nope… not going there today. I’m a pagan. Hmm a spiritualist? *sighs* *breaks out the box* I’m just JAZZY dammit.

Stay Jazzed.

First Thought

I’m not quite sure that I have a right to request any attention from you. I suppose that after I hunted you down the first time, I had hoped that there would be something more between us than the silence that existed through the period between my 2nd birthday and my 21st. After three more years of silence, I am starting to wonder if I was wrong. I wonder if I make you uncomfortable, when I pop up like an old friend who doesn’t quite understand that your life can no longer include her, and your silence tells me nothing at all. So, I am speaking up again…for the last time. They say the third times a charm, but I can’t keep throwing myself at you. It leaves too much of a big mud-hole in my spirit when I bounce away. So, I’m leaving you with this. I am your child. What you are to me, I’m not quite sure. If you ever decide that you would like to know your child…or even that you DON’T want to know your child…feel free to let me know. My email address is XXXXXXXXX@hotmail.com. I am enclosing a business card…though I’m not sure why. Perhaps to say without words that I made it this far without you…and that I am someone that you could easily be proud of.

Jazzy.


*sighs* This is a first draft of what I am considering. I think I sound a little too bitter… but hell… I am. *sighs* I hate Monday.


Stay Jazzed.

Family Life

inhale exhale inhale exhale inhale exhale inhale exhale inhale exhale inhale exhale

Breathing is such a simple act. Air in, air out. Such a simple act that insures life…gives you the chance to do it again. *shrugs* I have been weirded out for the past few days…feeling like I’m working on borrowed time. I haven’t felt this…aware of death since that terrifying car accident I was in shortly after LittleOne’s senior prom. *shrugs* I don’t know why I’m so…eerie, but I just have a weird ass feeling. Either I will get over it, or I won’t. I am assuming it is stemming from the fact that I am just, as I told my momma, feeling ‘off-kilter’. I feel fragile…like a mote in God’s eye….

Anyhow…over the weekend I straightened up my file box, and as I was going through it, I found the letter from the sperm donor. *sighs* I need to think of a better name for him…maybe I’ll just call him Ray. Anyhow…this was the letter that he wrote back to me after I broke the ice the first time and sent a letter to him. It’s odd…because I had been thinking off him on and off for the past few weeks, feeling like I should get in touch with him.

You’d suppose after 24 years I would have gotten used to the silence, but I still can’t…can’t just walk away from the silence and accept it. I have accepted that as far as true family goes, I am a child of my mother, and my mother’s mother, and of my mother’s mother’s mother. Yeah…I can count three generations of women, and not a single generation of men. My father… gone. My mother father…gone…I don’t even know if he is still alive. I doubt that my mother knows. My mother’s mother’s father…gone. I have half of a family tree…half of a history.

I vaguely remember my great grandfather…a coal black man who always smelled of pipe smoke. I had to be about 4…no older. I’m not sure what happened to him…maybe he died. My great grand mother…I remember her well. My grandfather…I met once. When I was about 15…it was a birthday for one of our ‘cousins’, and along with him I met a lot of his family…strangers all. As for my father…I met him once as well. I have aunt’s and cousins and uncles and all the like…that I will never be family to. I have a 14 year old half sister, who could slap me in the face and I wouldn’t know who she was. It’s a…interesting state to be in. Well… what all that rambling boils down to is that I am going to write Ray again…well… just a card. I…I think I am still… no..

I am still a little….ouched by the fact that he didn’t…acknowledge my graduation announcement…but I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and say he didn’t get it. I am…bitter about the fact that after many…words of sincerity and concern, I haven’t heard from him since…my 21st birthday. A little over three years ago. And I’m trying to figure out how to put it all into one card that I am hurt and angry and sad and bitter…and that I want something from him… but I have no clue what that would make a damn bit of difference at this point in my life…and how to say all this in a way that doesn’t sound childish and doesn’t sound ragingly mad and doesn’t sound like mushed mealymouth either. Hallmark doesn’t make cards for fathers who aren’t. And then I further wonder if I even have any right…any reason to be acknowledged. I am…a 24 year old memory that has been ignored for 24 years…hell I’ll give him 21 years of forgetfulness…is there a statue of limitations on blood? Is there a time after which you should just give up and say fuck it…I don’t HAVE a paternal side? Is there a time after which a child can no longer claim anything from a … sperm donor that she never knew anyway?

Am I being a fool for even trying…and a bigger fool for even caring? Should I just suck it up, and start to believe in parthenogenesis and accept that the only closest ancestor that I have is my mother… and will always be her? *sighs* I don’t know…I feel like I am too old to be this conflicted over this. I feel like I should be ‘old’ enough to let it go…to let him go…like he did me. *sighs* And how the hell do I even try to fit all these conflicting feelings and emotions into a itty bitty hallmark card?

Stay Jazzed.

A survey....

Stolen from SunnyNight

1. Do you ever think about what the world would be like if you weren't in it?
Yes…sometimes.
2. What would the world be like if you weren't in it?
Of course…my sunnily sad personality would be gone…. But it makes me really depressed to realize that it would be pretty much the exact same. I haven’t been much of a mover & shaker during my time here.
3. Would your family be the same?
I don’t know. IF I wasn’t born my mom would most likely have finished school on time…and…yeah. My family would be very different.
4. Do you ever wonder what it would be like to kill yourself?
Yes…but usually just because I am very curious about the whole afterlife (if there is one) thing. Only once because I didn’t think my life was worth living.
5. Have you ever tried to kill yourself?
Actively tried? No…I always figured that if my life wasn’t worth living NOW… then maybe by tommorow it would have gotten better.
7. What color would you say best describes you?
Hmmm… blue like a deep mountain stream…a blue so vibrant at one point that the whole world seems blue, and a few moments later so pale that you wonder if the blue ever really was there. Of course, I could just go to emode and get the color of my aura… but that would be too much like work.
8. Do you write poetry?
Yup. Lots of it.
9. Does it reflect on how you're feeling?
Usually yes. I write poetry because what I want/need to say I can’t get out in regular ‘words’, so I write poetry that expresses it instead.
10. Do you ever wish your life was different? Why?
No, not really. I would be afraid that if my life were different, I would miss out on all of the wonderful things that I have in my life now.
11. Are you open with your feelings?
Nope…not in real life. Here…relatively open.
12. Do you hide your depression or are you open?
Um. Half the time I don’t know that I am depressed… so I would have to say that yeah, I hide it damn well.
13. What do you think about lying in bed at night?
Nothing much usually. Going over the day.. thinking about the next day. I tend to fall asleep really fast.
14. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to live inside a dream?
huh…not really…but it is a very interesting thought.
15. If so, what would the dream be like?
My dream? Oh my… the details of it would take up three diary entries. Let’s just say it wouldn’t be here.
16. Have you ever thought about what the future will be like?
Yeah… all the time. I wish I could be here to see it.
17. Where would you be in 10 years?
Hmm.. hopefully with a carrer that I love, a wonderful husband, one or two children, a home of my own and move love than I know what to do with.
18. Have you ever thought about the type of person you want to marry?
yup.
19. What would they be like?
See Jazzy’s Rules of Dating and Relationships, 7/22/00
20. What kind of life would you live with that person?
OH man… umm one filled with love, communication and trust. Everything else is trimming.
21. Would you bring up your kids differently then your parents brought up you?
Oh dear god yes…in so many different ways.
22. What would you teach them about life?
EVERYTHING. I would want my children to be both prepared with a logical set of life values, and intelligent enough to know when they have to make their own.
23. Do you ever wonder what it would be like to have a perfect life?
BORING. IN perfection you always know what is going to happen next because…well surprises can be very un-perfect.
24. Would you want a perfect life for your kids?
No… because it is the hard parts of life that make you a mature person. If they had a perfect life they would end up spoiled brats.
25. If you closed your eyes and I tried to imagine Jesus in your mind what would be look like?
Hmm… I am seeing a short, but solid built light brown man. A thick head of wavy hair, sparkling brown eyes that you could drown in and huge hands…large enough to hold a child safe and strong enough to build a house.


Stay Jazzed.

Death is a snowjob

*sighs* I had written almost a whole ‘nother entry… and then I started writing Stronger. and what I was writing before made totally no sense at all.

when death comes
shall I go silently
or scream so the whole world
hears
my final breath?
after death
is there anything left of me
of me
of I?
or am I reduced
to my lowest common denominator
and turned to dirt again…


*sighs* well… as I was saying before…It’s snowing. Really hard. *shakes head*
I’m all stirred up…reading about others pain and knowing that as much as I would like to there is nothing I can do…it shakes me up. It’s odd how easy it is to forget that I am a finite person. That I am limited very much so in what I do. That someday, I’m going to die. And there is not a damn thing I can do about it. I get the urge to fly madly about and try to do everything that I ever wanted to do RIGHT NOW because my next breath may be my last…but a few minutes later I have forgotten about how every second I live leaves me with one less second to live…and I continue on through life feeling like an infinite being.
I have a really bad headache and so nothing…absolutely nothing is coming out right. *sighs*

Stay Jazzed.

Stronger.

I was talking to AOIM …umm…Gemini Complex a few days ago, and somehow we got on the topic of seeing how many issues people have, and she asked me if that was a bad thing. (Kelly… I know I am saying this reallly bad… but bear with me). And my reply was that I was amazed every time I read something about the hurts and pains that people go through, and yet still manage to exist and love and write and feel joy and fight on. It amazes me how STRONG people are, how much pain people can suffer through, and yet still mange to share a joke or laugh or try to cheer up someone else’s day. I am awed by the simple endurance of people, and how so much of what we think we know of people is really a shield over the pains and joys of their lives. Most of the diarists I read probably don’t even know that I am there, looking over their shoulder as they struggle through life, being inspired by the courage that they show in just living…in moving and loving and growing. Reading all of ya’ll *waves hand to encompass the whole OD* has let me know just how BLESSED I am in being able to do things without even thinking that some others have had to struggle to be able to do. Sometimes I am shamed at the petty problems that I bitch about in light of the struggles that others go through. But I am always always always encouraged…to push on… to not just stop and let life pass me by..to keep on going even though I really have no clue where I am going.
I didn't say what I was trying to say as well as I wanted to...but I hope somebody hears me and understands...

Thank’s ya’ll…


Stay Jazzed.

ho-hum.

*twitches* Okay.. I thought I was hooked on OD. I have realized that I am much much much more hooked on hotmail. For some reason, I can’t get to hotmail, and I can’t get to MSN and I am about to go utterly crazy. I don’t know if the system crashed, or is Microsoft is having issues or what…but if I can’t read my email soon I may go stark raving mad. Seriously. I can’t even get to anything related to hotmail. Maybe the sysAdmin blocked it… but WHHYYYY!!!!!!????????????!?????????!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Okay… I went to lunch. I cam back. No dice. *sighs* And… I have a hole in my stocking. *sighs*

Welll…. I really have nothing to write about, but I want to try and look busy so I will sit here and type for a while. I am almost able to type without looking at the keyboard, but it is still really a touch and go kinda of thing. And as I can’t spell…I could chalk up most of my mistakes to that. Hmm.. I wonder if people could spell better (generally) before the age of computers. I mean when you are working on a typewriter, it is a bit harder to correct your mistakes. *sighs* Anyhow…

I don’t know if I have said this at all...but I do love Chef. I think it has been coming through in my writings, and that it is clear in a really hazy way (figure that one out two years from now) but I do love him. It’s interesting, that as I look over my past relationships, I have ALWAYS been the one to break things off. I don’t know why I am bringing this up now.. but that is just the way it was. Hm. Random blabber.

Still no hotmail. I’m about to call microsoft.

*sighs* I snatched a creativity survey from somebody earlier today, but I really didn’t feel lie doing it. In fact, what I feel like doing is curling up with Chef and drifting half off to sleep. *sighs* He is SUCH a cuddle monster.

I lied earlier when I said I write only for me… I have some writings that I did while I was in Philly that I still have not posted…and I’m not sure why. Sometimes I feel like writing thins in here make them closer to real, make them something that has to be studied and examined and truly thought over instead of merely dismissed as a random flicker of thought. Yeah, some of it I wrote while I was sick and I am sure that my brain wasn’t all there… but still. *sighs* I know some of what I wrote is very very real in my life, and is something I need to address and look into and think about…but I’m still too much of a punk to do it.

*deep breath* Okay… the doctor just called me back. He said that my PAP smear came back abnormal…*sighs* Okay…. That I am not freaking about. Not in the least. Really. I’m debating if I should hop onto the internet and see what the hell that could possibly mean…but then I would really scare myself…so I am just going to write about things less nerve-racking. *sighs* Damn… and I have to wait until Feb. 12th to get re-checked out. No worries. None. I’m off to Yahoo! Health. Umph. That helped NONE.

Okay…back to the previous topic. One of the things I wrote about was not having friends here. *thinks* I don’t think I have talked/bitched much about this topic, so I am allowed to keep on it. ( I hate it when people complain and then do nothing to change whatever they are complaining about, so I have decided to limit the amount of bitching I can do about anything if I haven’t taken steps to change it.) It’s weird, I honestly don’t know HOW to make friends in real life. Most of the friends I have made in the last 6 years have been over the net, and the friends I made before that in person were due to Upward Bound. And so I’m here, in a new town, and I feel…so lost. I want to meet new & cool & interesting people, but I have no clue how to go about doing it without making myself look like an utter ass. And then, add to that the fact that really.. I am a little shy in real life.. it makes it…harder for me to really go out and meet people. I feel like if I had just ONE person that I could go out with and use as a bit of moral support…it would be cool.
I’m actually going to lunch with a cool woman that I met last year at a luncheon. She works here too, and I think she is about 23 or 24… in other words a raw newbie like me. Maybe we can do something…but then I don’t know how to pull off the ‘follow-through’. What is too much contact? What is too little? How do you keep in touch with people without them feeling like you are trying to analyze their entire life, or like you don’t give a damn about them and only call when you need something? I need to learn basic out-going social skills… and I am not sure how to. And then there seems to be so few people to practice on…that screwing up is really not an option. *sighs* I’m depressing myself… off to read diaries and continue pretending to work…

Stay Jazzed.

Still no hotmail. Help!

Of Chatting and Boobies.

*hums* Isn’t she lovely…Isn’t she beautiful… whatever is it…she desires…

Ugh. We have been together for a mere four months. *sighs* Well… no rush. No hurry. Each day goes by at it’s own speed. At it’s own rate.

*taps a little hole in the box of life*

hm hm hm. Totally random flooooooow of consiousness. Dang I can’t spell. Didn’t buy my house is a home thing this month. *sighs* No cash. *sighs* Haven’t gotten kitties either. *sighs* Don’t know if I can afford the food & litter & vet fees and all that other junk. I did submit an application for a job…and ya know.. I don’t think I have ever NOT gotten a job that I truly wanted. *sighs* Please let this not be the one that breaks the track record. And it didn’t look like there was a dress code… just Rocky Horror T-shirts and jeans. : ) I would work with that.

I’m not sure if I should be freaked out by the fact that my doctor called me, left a message just asking me to call him back.. and I still haven’t heard back from him. Should I be freaked? I’m thinking I should not be.. but really..how often does your DOCOTR call you personally… not a nurse, not a NP, but the actual doctor. .and leavea cryptic freaking message. *Sighs* I will not freak. Besides… I feel all better except for the whole sore hands thing. And the whole dehydration thing. And the whole muscle cramp thing. And the whole cold as a witches tit thing. : )
*grins* but really… I feel a hell of a lot better.

Anybody hear of this thing called ISCA? About *thinks* three years ago it was an amazingly popular bbs. Now… it’s not so much. I’m back on it and that certainly helps me pass the time while at work. But it’s cool… I get to chat and post and all that jazz.

*yawns* Hmm… Diary of a Tit Job. That should be interesting. Can’t wait to go to the doctor so I can get some go-ahead & feed back for me dieting. I have seen more documentaries on plastic surgery in the past few weeks than a little bit. And as I am horribly squeamish when it comes to blood on TV…I was really hooked. The one on MTV was rather ridiculously graphic to be… but then I don’t like some action movies because they show to much blood… so clearly me watching a surgery is out. Anyhow…I am still considering it… one of those things in the back of my head…but I love my tig ole bittes so much… *sighs* I just wish I could get a damn bra that fits. *sighs* Though it would be interesting to see what it felt like to have a pair of perky little titties for a bit. : )
I told Chef a few days ago that I have always wished that I was more like a fairy and less like a belly dancer. *grins* I have always wanted to be one of those short, frail little women who somehow manae to be bigger than everyone else in the room. Rather than the great hulk I feel like sometimes. Urgh. Hm…there are a lot of web sites for this….my main issue would be that I wanna feed my kids. And I have seen most placess ay that they canot guarentee that that will be possible. : ( major suckage.

If you can’t tell yet, I am talking to myself mostly here….I tend to write for myself.. or at least write as if I don’t expect anyone else to read. I think that is why I get so geeked when I get notes.. cuz it means someone read me, when I wasn’t expecting it. Well…

Stay Jazzed.

Duller than Thou

Whooo…never thought I would be relived to have signs of PMS. I am suffering from the whole intense emotional experience thing… I nearly teared up while thinking about what car I want to get. Scary eh? This is the time when I start to really feel like I might be just a little crazy. I start thinking about anorexia and flinging myself down elevator shafts and becoming a true alcoholic and quitting my job and traveling the world with a book and a pen and 5 bucks to my name. Just random wild woman thought that normally wouldn’t even creep into my head…much less receive any serious consideration.

Urgh. Anyhow… I think that I will go tonight and get my glasses. I was going to go Saturday, but a certain someone asked me to wait because he thought he was going to have Saturday off and he wants glasses as well… as he doesn’t have Saturday off... I am going to get my glasses post-haste. *sighs* Men.

Umm.. just came back from lunch and I am very sleepy. I was up until almost 3 this morning for some reason I just couldn’t get to sleep. I was online for a while.. chatting, but even once I got off I just laid there…I finally drifted off around 3:30ish…and then woke back up to set my alarm clock back a few hours…and I still overslept. Now…I’m just tired. And cold. *sighs*

Stay Jazzed.

Living the Non-Religious Life

I’m so tired of my life. *sighs* That sentence seems a little over board… but…that is just how I feel. I feel like I am standing still…and I am so fucking tired of bitching about it.
I’m tired of not doing IT. I’m tired of not even knowing what IT is. *sighs* And there is the fact that I… I don’t know what I want. *sighs* A little emotional am I.
Umm…URGH! It’s really aggravating to lead a solitary life. This space here is totally NOT a appropriate substitute for talking to a human one on one… even though you folx here are totally wonderful…sometimes I need the bouncing back & forth interaction that can only be gained through interaction.

Okay…onto a totally different topic…
I read a book this weekend called Little X about a African-American woman’s experience of growing up under first the Nation of Islam, and then under Orthodox Islam. So much of what she said resonated with me that it was scary…at least during the period of her life while she was an Orthodox Muslim. One of the things that mostly resonated was how growing up as Muslim warped the second generation…as in the kids of the adults who had embraced the religion. The girls/women grew up mostly swearing to never end up as their mothers did, depending on a man for the money and life, while stuck in the home producing babies and cleaning up after them. Also this weekend I had a series of conversations with friends about the whole Jesse Jackson thing, and the combinations of these two conversations led me to realize just why I am not the member of any religion.

As I grew up, I saw the most… amazing feats of hypocrisy and out-and-out warping of the rules that were to guide all of us. *sighs* Those who were in positions of power…or those who were simply male, had it so so much better than the rest of us. Growing up as a girl who wanted more than to be a mother and a wife was a scary proposition. *sighs* I am not expressing this half as well as I feel it and I hate that. When I think back to the Muslim woman who was held up to the rest of us in the community as the example for the rest of us to follow was a woman who had 8 children, was the wife of the Imam (the religious leader) and whose entire life revolved around her children and her husband.

Perhaps it wouldn’t have been so bad if it wasn’t for the fact that they were on welfare because he felt that it was more important for him to be a good leader to the whole community (and more impressive besides) than it was for him to have a ‘real’ job and take proper care of his family. *sighs* I wonder what her daughters are doing now...whether they managed to live in that life, or if they managed to break free…or if they ever even realized that there was something to break free from. I know consciously that it isn’t really right nor fair of me to judge an entire religion by the twisted actions of a few, but as that is what I grew up with, that is what I have come to expect. And honestly, nothing that I have seen has led me to a different view of Islam in general. For a woman who wants more than to be a wife & a mother (not that there is anything wrong if that IS what you want) it sucks to be a Muslima. Period.

And I am not a Christian because I grew up as a Muslim, and I just have *thinks* too much knowledge of other paths and other ways to be even remotely saved, and going to church tends to creep me out on a very visceral level. I greatly enjoy the music…but that is it. *sighs* I haven’t figured out what it is…but there is just something about churches that rub me the wrong way…almost like hospitals. I just don’t like them.
*sighs* Anyway. I should be getting ready to go to sleep… but I simply don’t feel like it. *sighs* I know that I am…but…sometimes what happens in life…hell most times what happens in life is no where near as fulfilling as what you WANT to happen in life might be. And then… what if what I want to happen in my life is just as unfulfilling as what is (or is not) happening now? It’s too damn late/early to be philosophical…

Stay Jazzed.

Moving A-round

EEP!! There is nothing scarier than coming into your diary and seeing entries just GONE! *sighs* I wish they would make up their mind as to how they will set up the dates/entries in the diaries. Personally…I like the reading list being ordered by the author selected date on the entry and NOT the date that the entry was written on. I mean… what if you want to add stuff in from ages ago? Yesterday, all of the stuff was right where I wanted it…and now? *sighs* My Jazzy’s Rules of Dating & Relationships entry has been shoved back into the dark ages of this summer. *sighs* Ah well… maybe it’s a ‘sign’ that I won’t be needing to use them anytime soon.

I picked up my check yesterday. ARGH! It is going to barely be enough to cover my glasses, and mercy knows I am not going to be able to get anything exotic on them. Hopefully the super thin & light won’t be too much of an added price tag…and I think the tinting is out. *sighs* Not gonna bitch. I am get going to go and get the application and be done with it. Hopefully I will get the job.

I am trying to perfect a imitation cookie recipe. I want to figure out how to make cookies that taste and feel like Bordeaux cookies by Pepperidge Farm. I loveeeee those cookies, and they aren’t that high in calories, and they are WAYYY too expensive. So, I’m experimenting with baking them. This first batch has come out pretty darn good. Spicy, crispy, crunchy kinda cookie. Yum Yum Yum. The texture is almost perfect, but the taste is off. I think I need some almond flavoring instead of vanilla.

*groans* I read moonflower’s diary, and she was describing how she felt, and it sounded just like how I felt and she thinks she has mono, so I wonder if I have mono. Checked out the symptoms and they fit soo well. They have tested for strep (cuz I went back on Wednesday to see what was going on) and that is negative…so I don’t know. If I did it would have mostly run it’s course by now, so unless it flares up again, I won’t be worried.

It’s FRIDAY!!! Happy Happy joy joy. : ) umm. Yeah.

Stay Jazzed.

Nattering on...

I like to sleep. Not always because of the pure restfulness of it (though that is one reason) but mainly because of the dreams I have. I tend not to have really big, swooping grandiose dreams of flight and magic and love and all that kind of stuff. I tend to have just…dreams of me being in situations and places that are possible, but highly unlikely. *sighs* I am not making much sense of this here…and I don’t think that I will be able to. It’s hard to translate something from the sub-conscious, into the conscious, and then into the finger tips to transcribe the emotions that I feel into words that I can still understand. *sighs* I don’t know.
Lately I have been having a lot of dreams about friends, and about me with camera in hand. *sighs* I need…need…need to get into me.

Anyhow… I’m sleepy. It’s almost 11…and I am going to be staying late so that I can get my paycheck from those damn bartending people. I was up late (and drank waaayyyy too much) last night, after going out on a date with Chef. : ) We went to a ‘eat-in’ movie theater and saw Vertical Limit. Really good movie. Had it’s shocking & gory bits, but in general it was a really really good movie. I haven’t had that much fun in a while. But…another wonderful thing happened. The place that we were at has a bar. And the bar is looking for part time bartenders… HELLO! I am looking for a part-time (hopefully night time) job with someplace in the downtown area. *sighs* It would be sooo cool if I could get a job there. I forgot to grab a application on the way out as me & chef were in the middle of a mock argument about one of the characters in the movie…but I can swing by there on my way home one night. : ) Thrilled I am.

Umm… finally getting my check from those shiesty ass people at my bartending school tonight. *rolls eyes* I went through way way too much to get this damn check, but I will be able to get my glasses using it. : ) As the ear piece of my current pair just gave up the ghost, this is a very good thing. And as my current contacts are as about as easy to put in as it is to put a cat into a hot bathtub with running water, the convenience of being able to throw on some glasses will be very nice. And besides, glasses go really good with my hair. Speaking of which… I LOVE my hair. It has been acting sooo good, it is just amazing. No more days spent re-twisting…all I have to do to it is wash it every other week, put a nice herbal rinse in it, and every once it a while tighten up the roots as I go along. Even if I sit down and do the roots all at once.. it takes me no more than 2 hours. And it’s growing SOOOO well. : ) In the morning, all I have to do is get it a little wet to shake out the funny sleep shapes it ends up in, and I am set. *sighs* love love love my hair. *does a miniature happy little hair dance*

In a little under a week I am going to be a student again. : ( Nope… not thrilled in the LEAST…but I want my damn degree so that if I so choose to change jobs, I can do it and truly will HAVE a BS in CS. : ) So that will be something that I do to entertain myself at work until May. : )

Oh…and I feel a hell of a lot better. I think I was just sick some kind of way. *shrugs* I seem to have another mild viral infection in my throat (maybe I have tonsilitis?) but other than that…all of those muscle aches and foot hurting stuff is gone. My hands still cramp up, and I am still dehydrated as all get out, but…I feel a lot better. Hopefully this will last.

I have been keeping track of what I eat and when…I figure if I can show the doc a list of what I put into me.. he can tell me where I am going wrong. Though I have noticed that I don’t eat hardly enough fruits & veggies. Though really… I don’t see how anyone could really eat the whole USDA requirements of fruits and veggies in a single day. That is A LOT of food. Hmm.. speaking of which.. I’m off to lunch.


Stay Jazzed.

One before Lunch...

Who, at this very moment would you like to have next to you? Hmm…my darling Chef. (Yes, I know, I’m boring!)
What, at this very moment do you have an intense craving to eat? Umm..some really good Indian food.
What’s the last TV show you watched? Hmm..last night I was kinda watching Scooby-Doo. While reading. Does that count?
What's your favorite restaurant? Don’t have one…but my favourite (AHHH..been reading too many European diaries) fast food place would have to be McDonalds.
What do you absolutely hate? Disrespectful people.
What turns you on? Hmmm humor, intelligence, and a pair of lovely hands.
What's your favorite lunch? Don’t have one…I don’t have set ‘meal’ foods.
Philosophy? Ummm…huh?
Favorite breakfast? Ummm….I’d have to say pancakes with sunny side up eggs and soy sausage. Ummmmmm….
Favorite cartoon? Looney Tunes, hands down.
Favorite playground equipment? The SWING!
Favorite jewelry to wear? Hm. It was my class ring till it started irritating my skin, now I guess it would have to be my ‘mysterious’ symbol silver necklace.
Favorite Disney Movie: Hm. Mulan.
Have you ever won a contest? Uhhh… yeah.. I won two tickets to Lillith ’99.
Would you rather be deaf or blind? Deaf. Not being able to hear music, I would barely live with. Not being able to read? Kill me now.
What is your best quality? *grins* My so sunny pessimistic optimism.
What is your worst quality? See above.
Do you like to dance? Yup. *starts shaking what her momma gave her*
If you had a round trip ride in a Time Machine, when and where would you go? Umm. Hm. Don’t know. I like where I am now (though I hate my job) and I would be scared that if I changed anything in my personal time line I might end up someplace else. So…that said.. I would have to go to Ancient Egypt and see what was really going on.
If you could be invisible for one day what would you do? Ummm….*sighs* Steal simply loads of money.
If you could change your name what would it be? *grins* Jasmyn Black. Sounds like a spy doesn’t it?
Have you ever thought you were going to die? Yes. The night after my best friends prom as we were sneaking to the shore we ended up in this simply horrible accident and I KNEW I was done for.
One thing you hope to do before you die? See Egypt.
What do you think about lesbians? *grins* Some of my best friends are lesbian. Really.
If you could smack one famous person in the head who would it be? *thinks* Um. W. better known as Dub-ya. Ugh.
What is your deepest darkest secret? Don’t have any… at least not in here.
Who understands you more than anyone? Really not sure. .
What's a smell you can't stand? CHITLINS!
What was the worst thing you ever saw? ( I have to say I can’t compare to BridgetJ’s answer ) Nothing really… I have had a bit of a peaceful life.
Least favorite relative? My slimy ass uncle.
Something that most people don’t know about you? I have a half sister.
What was the worst thing you ever did? The worst? *thinks* Not sure.
What’s your favorite quote or phrase? Sounds like a personal problem to me.
What room is your computer in? The living room
What did you have for dinner last night? Three lovely all beef hotdogs and a big ole cup of water
Favorite time waster? The OD in general….
If you could’ve been born in anytime era what would it be? Hm. About a century from now.
Ever been skinny dipping? Yes… very fun. I felt like a true water child.
Favorite video? Umm.. I’m thinking “That’s the way Love Goes” by Ms. Jackson….


Ohhh… this is fun. I just keep an eye on Bridget and snatch her surveys. She has good taste in them too. : )

Oh..look Mom! Another survey....

*Name as it appears on your birth certificate: Something Aishah Something
*Nicknames: none…I was never popular enough, and my name doesn’t yield a nickname very well
*Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake: : ) Literally? On my last cake? Well the last time I had a cake I was turning 21, but there was only one candle on there (a 21 candle). However, I am 24.
*Date that you regularly blow them out: January 13
*Height: 5’6 (I think)
*Eye color: Dark Brown
*Piercing: two in each ear, used to be three, but the top one in my left ear refused to heal with an earring, so I let that set close
*Tattoos: none. Yet..
*Scars: Oh god…lots and lots. I scar easy and I was a clumsy child. Plus I like playing with fire. My latest? Umm…a burn mark on my thigh from FWCO*
*Birthplace: Washington DC
*Hometown: Umm…Indianapolis I guess.
HAVE YOU EVER?
...Been to Africa? no
...Been toilet-papering? nope
...Been toilet-papered? nope
...broken a law? Does it count if you have never been caught?
...been arrested? nope
...done drugs? Very few.
...been in the car with someone who had a gun? *thinks* I’m sure I have, but I didn’t know it.
...accidentally took a sip of spoiled milk, or on purpose? NO…I always perform the sniff & shake test first.
...Skinny-dipped? : ) uhh-huh… lots & lots of fun.
THIS? OR THAT?
Croutons or Bacon Bits: Bacon Bits…I like bacon
2 doors or 4 (on a car): 4
Coke or Pepsi: *sings* Alwaysssss Coca-Cola…yeeeahhhh … I lived in Atlanta for five years…what do you expect?
Coffee or Ice-cream: coffee ice cream
Blanket or Stuffed Animal? Blanket.
Bridges or Tunnels: bridges
adidas or Nike: yuck. Sneakers!
Nike or Reebok: see above
Adidas or Reebok: see above the aboe
jumping into a pool of hungry piranhas or sticking your hand into a lion's mouth: ummm the lion. Cats tend to like me.
pixie sticks or dixie chicks? *LOL* Earl’s gotta DIE!
Marilyn Manson or Hanson: um….YEECH! maybe?
slurpee or icee: Italian Ice….the authentic Philly kind
hot dogs or hamburgers: Hot doggggsss with lots of mustard & relish
McDonalds or Burger King: McDonalds, I don’t like my food burnt.
amish guy holding a slurpee or bob ross: Um…why would I have to choose one of them?
Disney Channel or Nickelodeon: Umm.. the old school Nick.
WORD ASSOCIATION:
RUBBER GLOVES:hair dye
ROCK: Do you smell what the ROCK is cooking?
MARY: magdalene
ALUMINUM FOIL:cookies
GREEN:beans
DENTAL FLOSS: mint
WET: soap
TIM: the tool man taylor
CRY: wolf
PEANUT BUTTER: and JELLY!
LAWN CHAIR:grass
HAY: fever
CHEESE: cream
SPUD: weiser?
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE...
... Salad Dressing: a nice Raspberry vinaigrette
...Phrase from a movie: "Lock & Load.” Data, in StarTrek: Insurrection.
..Saying: Sounds like a personal problem to me
...Favorite Holiday: Christmas. Only because of the vacation.
...Food: ice cream, Smartfood white Cheddar popcorn,
...Day of the week: Saturday. Sometimes Sunday.
...Joke: ohh I suck at telling jokes.
...Singer: Janet Jackson. Ms Jackson if ya nasty….
...Vacation Spot: Anywhere hot.. with sun & sand & sea.
...TV show: WWF. Raw is War & Smackdown. *sighs* The only shows I tape.
...swear word: fuck! It’s just soo…. Flexible.
...Toothbrush: ummm don’t have one.
...Restaurant: *thinks* don’t have one of those either
...Least Favorite Subject: Math.
...Sport to Watch: none.
...Love Song: Loving You by Minnie Ripperton
...Rap song: Push it by Salt & Peppa or anything off of TLC’s first album
...Country Song: no. that’s all.
...Sesame Street Character: ELMO!!
...Disney Character: Don’t have one…
...Fast Food Restaurant: McDonalds!!
...place to chill: my bed.
Miscellaneous Questions
If you could be any animal...what would you be and why?
A Royal Egyptian Cat. Why? *sighs* Spoiled, pampered, considered a goddess? Wny NOT?
If you could have one wish, what would it be? To have enough money to do anything I wanted.
If you could be any tool, what would it be and why? Ummm…none.
Do you want kids? Yep! Lots of em. At least three… maybe more.
What do you want to do when you grow up? Be free.
What’s your lifelong goal? To be happy in life
What do you think of school? I can’t wait until I am officailly DONE with it.
If you had a balloon launcher..what would you launch out of it? All of the baggage and history that I carry from my other relationships.

* (frying without clothes on)

A survey for the Duty-Impaired (Me!)

*grins* SURVEYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!! Yeah…. I’m bored. As usual. This one stolen off of BridgetJ who stole it from ShenelleS who got it from somebody who likes OpalFruits.

1. What would be your porn name? (Middle name & Street name)
Middle name and street name? Aisha Alabama. Ohhh… I would have to have a THICK southern accent to pull that one off. *dirty laugh* talk about never being hungry again…..
2. Name 5 videos you own.
Hmm…. Much Ado about Nothing, Dangerous Beauty, The Fifth Element, The Matrix, Next Friday.
3. Who was your favourite teacher?
Hmm…it would have to be my 10-12th grade math teacher. Cool lady.. made me feel really smart.
4. If you could have any three pets and not worry about size, mess, care or anything else what would you have?
Three kitties. No question. I might get those even having to deal with size & mess.
5. Favourite song of the moment that you could listen to over and over and over again.
Ummm.. anything by Jill Scott.
6. Least favourite thing to do ever
Clean
7. Most favourite thing to do
Read
8. Last book you read:
Uhhh… book called Sword-Singer by Jennifer Roberson. It is part two of a tetralogy (?). How many parts is that exactly I wonder? Seven?
9. How many out of the amount of people you have slept with do you wish you could take out and never have slept with them.
Ugh….ummm *thinks* about half. Most of the folx I slept with while I wasn’t in a relationship…some of them were worth it, but the rest *rolls eyes* Ugh.
10. Name two people you wished you had slept with and didn't.
Ummm….*LOL* one is LittleOne…but he is so totally out of my reach. The other would most likely be Papi. *grins* It would have been…good I think.


*siggghhs* That should have been longer. I feel...incomplete somehow. Ah well... off to find some more

Stay Jazzed

Happy Birthday Jazzy....

I'm 24. Not quite old, but older. It was a very quiet birthday (as usual) but I enjoyed it. My baby was here, and he is coming back... :)

Stay Jazzed.

Suspense Suspense

Sorry.. I din't mean to make it seem like a biigg secret. I am going to go and get some lovely house plants, one for each room. :)

Anybody have any suggestions as to strong healthy cheap plants??

Doctor CashMoney

Hi there beautiful people. I am really starting to dislike my job that isn’t really a job because I never do anything job. *sighs* What have I done today? Write about 8 emails, hunt down some coupons for glasses, try to get my bartending check, and go grocery shopping (which I’m still doing…needed a break). Note, that NONE of that stuff is work. At least not the work I get paid for. Speaking of which…I got paid today. : ) mind you, after paying 1920.00 in bills, there ain’t much left. *sighs* But anyhow…

Doctor news: I hate doctors…though that is partially my fault. For some dilly reason I expected the doctor to be on schedule, and so I made the two appointements back to back. Of course, the PCP was running about 45 minutes late, and thus I had to skip that appointment and go to the GYN one instead. *shrugs* I know I’m fine in THAT respect… so I have to wait until early February ti find out if anything else is wrong with me. Ah well. The GYN lady said that some of it may be due to my weight ( no…really??) and as for the rest I need to talk to the doc. Hm. An odd thing that happened was that as I talked to the GYN lady about losing weight, she recommended Weight Watchers. Now…not to put down or disregard all of the people who I am sure have had much success with Weight Watchers…paying for someone else’s food and for a point system that I could put together for myself makes utterly no sense to me. As I thought about this, I realized that any diet that I follow would have to have the following characteristics.

1) It would have to be free. In other words, I can’t afford to pay to buy a special kind of food, or sit with a group of other people and listen to them talk about their weight loss or lack thereof. I listen to that at work.

2) It would have to be relatively convenient. That was one of the problems I had with Atkins, in that it is kinda hard to avoid carbs all the time.

3) The food would have to taste good. I can live with smaller portions, but I will not eat a little or a lot of crap. Hunger? *shrugs* I’m used to ignoring hunger (side effect of fasting) and water can handle that. So maybe all I need to do is exercise and reduce portions. *snorts* yeah.. okay.

As for the whole exercise thing… *shrugs* I don’t know. I would most likely be best off walking (inside…it’s too damn cold to do it anywhere else) but as I walk so much now that wouldn’t be that big of a thing. Weight lifting is something that I LIKE to do, so I can do that. Anything jumpy hurts…knees & boobs. Flex exercises (yoga, Pilate’s) are cool…but not very cardio. I want to look for some adult dance classes, cuz that is one exercise I would love to do. Hmph. Now when I tell the doc all of this, is he going to be able to help me put something together that I can really work with? I hope so.

Umm…as I got paid this weekend, I am trying to figure out what I shall do for my birthday. I am considering going to a club and shake shake shaking my groove thing.. but I don’t know where to go…and I really wish I wasn’t going alone. *sighs* I really hate Chef’s hours sometimes. There is really nothing major I WANT to do for myself…and that can *I am really hating this word* afford. I have promised myself that I will never never never again be in the state that I was this week of being so damn broke. I had to return a filter that I brought for my camera before I left for Philly to be able to scrape together the money for the doctor’s co-pay. I get paid too damn much to be THAT damn broke. I know that I don’t have much room to complain cuz I have a roof over my head, clothes that fit and food on a regular. But still… I feel like I am living on the edge, and I am NOT even living luxuriously (except for this expensive ass apartment that I love so much). *sighs* Maybe I am on too much of a push to get my bills paid off, but…it feels right. I knew I was going to be broke for at least two years…I guess I just need to get used to it and settle down.

I want to make a list of everything that I need in my place to make my house a ‘home’. There are things that I want in my house, but because I don’t have the money (WHERE is it going??) or it’s bulky and so I can’t easily get it home.. I don’t have. I want to make a list so that I know just what I need to get, and then every month, get at least one thing off of that list.

Hmm… I know just what I will get this month…


Stay Jazzed.

Watching timmmme flow away

Ohh….ya’ll are great. Thanks for all the notes & stuff. I think I was really really really tired yesterday, and that added to me feeling even more like shit. Though I have to admit I went home and just lay in the middle of the floor for about 20 minutes before I could go and do anything.

*grins* Have I mentioned lately how wonderful Chef is? He was off yesterday, and at my house, and when I got home he was on his way out to get the stuff for my birthday/Christmas dinner. Oh my god…this man can cook his ass off. When food makes you curl your toes…and you get upset when you are full because you just can’t eat anymore…*sighs* what can I say. I slept while he was cooking (it took him like two hours) ate…split a bottle of champagne between the two of us, and watched Perfect Storm. *sighs* A wonder to behold is what he is. *grins* He takes care of me when I need it.

I’m trying to waste time before I leave to go to the appointment. : ) I’m a strange child. Random little thoughts pop through my head, and I try to figure out how to record them so that I can keep them… but there is no way to do so. HEY! Maybe I will go and find a good good survey. : )

Stay Jazzed.

Random Comment

My birthday is Saturday. I have utterly no clue what I am going to do. Lucky me...the OD is only 2 weeks off when it comes to my age.
Ugh. I'm going home, curling up in the middle of my bed, and going to sleep until tommorow morning.
I'm trying to turn myself into a morning person. Going to bed around 9:30 - 10ish, and getting up and going to work around 5am. Though I still have no problem sleeping an entire day away...seeing daylight on the weekends is pretty cool.
I hate hate hate being broke. *sighs*

Stay Jazzed!

I believe

Swiped this from an email... it's so gently sad & true.
I believe-
that we don't have to change friends
if we understand that friends change.

I believe-
that no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you every
once in a while and you must forgive
them for that.

I believe-
that true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.

I believe-
that you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.

I believe-
that it's taking me a long time
to become the person I want to be.

I believe-
that you should always leave loved ones
with loving words. It may be the last
time you see them! .

I believe-
that you can keep going
long after you can't.

I believe-
that we are responsible for what we do,
no matter how we feel.

I believe-
that either you control your attitude
or it controls you.

I believe-
that regardless of how hot and
steamy a relationship is at first,
the passion fades and there had
better be something else to take
its place.


I believe-
that heroes are the people
who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done,
regardless of the consequences.

I believe-
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe-
that my best friend and I can do anything
or nothing and have the best time.

I believe-
that sometimes the people you expect
to kick you when you're down,
will be the ones to help you get back up.

I believe-
that sometimes when I'm angry
I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn't give me
the right to be cruel.

I believe-
that just because someone doesn't love
you the way you want them to doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they have.

I believe-
that maturity has more to do with
what types of experiences you've had
and what you've learned from them
and less to do with how many
birthdays you've celebrated.

I believe-
that it isn't always enough to be
forgiven by others. Sometimes you
have to learn to forgive yourse! lf.

I believe-
that no matter how bad your heart is broken
the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I believe-
that our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe-
that just because two people argue,
it doesn't mean they don't love each other
And just because they don't argue,
it doesn't mean they do.

I believe-
that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a
secret. It could change your life forever.

I believe-
that two people can look at the exact
same thing and see something totally.
different.

I believe-
that your life can be changed in a matter of
hours by people who don't even know you.

I believe-
! that even when you think you have no more
to give, when a friend cries out to you
you will find the strength to help.

I believe-
that credentials on the wall
do not make you a decent human being.

I believe-
that the people you care about most in life
are taken from you too soon.

Problemmmsss... nothing but problems...

This is mostly going to be me bitching about heatlh and other generally un-Jazzy things. Consider thyself warned.

I go to the doctors tomorrow. Both of them (my GYN and my PCP). For my sake, I hope he (both dudes…yeech) turns up something in the blood work or the tests that explains what the hell is wrong with me. I think I know, and if it is the case *crosses fingers* (who WISHES to be diagnosed with a life-long illness??) I will be so relived and happy. I have not been my usual self (health wise) since I have been here (in Indy). I have been sick three times, and I never ever get sick. I am so so tired, which makes no sense considering I am getting more sleep, and more rest in general than ever. I can’t remember shit, and I HURT. I feel like a big ole menstrual cramp has taken over my entire body. There are spots of me that ache that I didn’t know COULD hurt. Like the bottom of my feet, or my wrists, or the backs of my thighs. And mercy KNOWS I’m not exercising enough to get muscle aches like this. I get flash headaches that make me dizzy they hurt so much, but only last about 2 minutes and no matter how much water I drink and how much lotion I slather on, my skin still looks like who did what and why after about 2 hours. I’ve gained almost 40 pounds in the last 4 months, but I haven’t had shit for an appetite. Oh…and I am getting MOLES. They just pop up out of no where. Got two on my face, about three or four on my hands, and god knows how many more in other places. My eyes are dry and arrrrghhhhhhhhhhh…. *deep breath* In other words, physically, I feel like S-H-I-T.

For so one who generally has been healthy as a horse, this is driving my crazy. After the Period Fiasco of the past couple of months, I went online and poked around to see what could be wrong with me. Sometimes I think that the amount of knowledge available at your fingertips on the web is really really scary. After running through my symptoms and stuff, I think I might be hypothyroidic. It would explain a hell of a lot…why I’m always tired, always cold, gaining weight, and most, if not all of the other stuff I was bitching about being wrong with me, including getting sick easier. Anyhow… the downside to it is that if so, I would have to take a hormone replacement (yeech) for the rest of my natural given life… but the upside is that I might feel like a real human being again. If not… *sighs* I’m going to feel like the biggest hypochondriac there is. I think I have always had mild hypochondriac tendencies, but…usually they are just pregnancy paranoia.

*sighs* Okay… I had to get all that out. Physically I still feel like shit, but at least I feel a little better mentally. I have no problem going to the doctor, but I Have issues about talking about being sick. I think that is one part of the whole “Strong Black Woman” thing I have absorbed, that you should never be sick, never be ill, never really feel physical pain, or if you do feel it, don’t show it. And when the pain and aches is so minor but so utterly overwhelming at the same time, it really sucks because I feel like it could be ‘all in my head’. I don’t know. Well….

Stay Jazzed.

Holiday Recap

Well… I’m back at work the first time this year. Blagh I say once again. Nothing really new, but I guess I need to make some newness on my own.

The holidays were…different I must say. This break was…odd somehow. I can’t really put my finger on it, but it wasn’t the usual orgasm of fun and fremily love that I am used to. Maybe it is because we are all working folx now, and so that whole air of leisure that we used to have is gone. Or maybe it was the fact that I was sick as a very very sad dog for the first three or four days I was there, and I never really recovered from losing that time. I don’t know. The time simply flew by, and before I really knew it I was packing up to come back to Indy. *shrugs*

Christmas Eve – I was on an airplane early in the day, got picked up from the airport by one of my friends, ran out and got the very last present I needed and then crashed on the couch for the rest of the day.

Christmas Day – Got off the couch only to find more tissues, pour more orange juice, and go to the bathroom. If I actually celebrated Christmas, it would have been the saddest and most depressing Christmas ever. As it was.. it simply sucked because I HATE HATE HATE being sick.

One lovely thing that DID happen over the break was that I met my cousin, one of the many frist cousins that I have, but because my uncle is such a LARGE asshole, most of his children’s mothers have fled the area. Hm. That puts them in a worse light than it should. Let me put it this way. He has *thinks* 8 kids, by five different women, each of whom married him after dating him while he was married to the previous wife. *shakes head* And now he thinks his current wife is cheating on him…I say he is getting a taste of his own medicine. Anyhow…This girl-cousin is 15, one of the children of the wife who hates him the least. They live in Florida, and she wanted to spend Christmas with her father. I met her once, *thinks* didn’t really hit it off with her, mainly because I don’t like seeing my grandmother being treated like a fetch & serve girl in her own home and J (the cousin) followed her fathers lead in how she acted towards my grandmother.

We were supposed to have a family dinner together later that week, but as usual my uncle pulled a lovely asshole of a lie from SOMEWHERE to finagle his way out of it. The dinner was still nice though, with me, my mommy, my grandmother, my great aunt, my great cousin, and her man-friend. We had a good time and a lovely dinner. It’s a shame that J never really got to see the whole family…or at least her dad’s side of it. : ) It’s funny, I don’t evny her her father, knowing what I do of him. Such an asshole…anyhow…

New Years was quieter than I had planned. Originally the plan was for a group of 6 of us to get together in a hotel suite, and drink and play games and party and so forth. It ended up being a hen party, when all the guys punked out leaving the three ladies to sit in a suite ( a much smaller suite) eat good luck food and cheesecake, drink waaayyy too much wine and champagne, get jerked out of our comfy beds twice by a fake fire alarm, and sit up & watch the major Sex in the City marathon that HBO was kind enough to provide.

Oddly enough the best part of my holiday was the few days I had at home. I missed Chef so so much.. : ) It was lovely seeing him again. We exchanged gifts and he loved the gift that I gave him…at least the second half. The first part was a store gift some lovely Hugo colonge. Ladies…if you like that fresh airy smell of your man… TRY IT OUT. *grins* Get’s my tummy tickling just thinking about it…anyhow. The second part of the gift was a kinda memory book with pictures and thoughts and collages and bits of poetry and stuff in it. He enjoyed it a lot. What did he get me you ask….. a TRIPOD. A simply lovely tall as me sturdy collaspes to a little under 2 feet long TRIPOD. Oh… this man may have my heart I tell you. Umm we spent lots of time just lingering around the house. I have money issues. I didn’t want to go out anywhere because I knew that I couldn’t afford it, even though knowing him he would have paid for it all anyhow. *sighs*

Hmm… anything else exciting going on in my life? Not really… after I finished the drugs they gave me my period FINALLY showed up…but I am going to the doctor again this week and see if they can tell me something good, as well as to get a much much more reliable form of birth control. Then I am going to my regular doctor for my initial appointment, as well as to get him to put me on some sort of weight reduction plan. It’s got to come off, and as I don’t really trust myself to do this right, healthly and on my own, I figured I would get the doc to help me out. My goal is to lose at least 100 pounds by the time I turn 25. That gives me about a year. I might not hit 100 on the nose, but if I am with 15 pounds of it I will be happy. And the scary part is…I can lose 100 pounds and not be the least bit anorexic looking. *sighs*

Well… ending on a slightly happier note… I have made it through everyone’s diary… (except for Kelly who made her diary private… What’s going on lady????) and left many a note. I hope that everyone has a happy and lovely year…better then last year and worse than next year. : )

Stay Jazzed.

Y2K1

I'm back......It was a lovely vacation, though my time in Philly went by way way too quickly.

Happy New Year OpenDiary... I'm trying to catch up on everyone's diares, but that will take me a few days...until then...Hry Ya'll...

Stay Jazzed.