Kissin you.....

There are several people that I would like to kiss if the world was - different. If I could kiss people - a proper kiss mind you, tongue and all - without worry about future sexual implications or genderfucking with peoples minds - ah... I have a long list of people I would like to kiss. I would kiss them simply to see them better - see what they taste like, see how they move, see how they touch, see what they feel like in the closest and most intimate of ways.

I'd like to kiss Phil - run my fingers through his hair and see if he feels as lean as he looks. I'd like to see if he kisses the same way he acts - hard with a gooey middle - or if when he kisses the sweet boy I think is underneath all that bullshit comes out.

I'd like to kiss Mona - see if she tastes very different from other girls - see if she kisses with a refined delicacy or if she kisses with abandon.

I'd like to kiss Luis - see if he's as tender as he looks - or as passionate as he claims to be. I think he would be the most dangerous kiss of them all - a kiss that would curl my toes - despite him simply not looking like the toes curling type.

I'd like to kiss leon too - see if kissing a boy who normally only kisses boys is very different from boys who kiss girls. Do boys kiss differently, or is it the same dainty back and forth dance of tongues and lips and teeth that always ends with someone yielding and someone taking power?

I'd definitely like to kiss mjames - I think he's the kiss that would make me cry - simply because of the long twining string of half-love and intense friendship that has bound us together for the past 10 years. I'd like to see if he tastes the same way he smells - sweet and spicy, like a hot sauce coated piece of caramel popcorn.

I'd like to kiss Claudette - even with her thin lips she looks like she knows how to use them to the very best advantage - touching and kissing and sucking to no end. But then - she's so active that she might be one of those aggressive angry kissers.

Who would you like to kiss? And why?

chitchattering

Yeah... so I think we might be okay. Really. We had a really good, really long talk today - and I really think we might be okay. I was going to write 'I can't describe how happy that makes me - but dammit I'm a writer the least I should be able to do is to describe my OWN emotions - yes?? So - how happy does that make me? *sigh* He's the love of my life - so much so that I couldn't bear the thought of having him stuck with a chick that couldn't/can't be what he needs. And yeah, I know nobody's perfect, but the least I can do is TRY, yes? So - anyhow - I'll try, and he'll try, and even if our trying doesn't quite reach perfection, at least we are trying to get there. So - I'm happy because I don't have to break my heart in order to not break his. Yeah. I'm happy like a cookie monster who just inherted a cookie company - the Keebler elves cookie company mind you. forever supplied by inventory from god. Yeah. That's me.

Whining

I was working on my character description, and she lives in a studio apartment. As I was writing out a description of her place, I realized something - I prefer living in small spaces. My apartment in Atlanta (my favorite and most homey apartment thus far) was about half the size of the apartment I have now - and it was almost always amazingly clean. The first apartment I got here - I felt the need to get a big place, solely to say - hey! Look at ALL THIS ROOM I can buy! Of course - it stayed half empty for half the time I lived there, until I finally broke down and purchased furniture for it. Then, I moved to another space - smaller than the one before, but bigger than the one before that. I loved that place - despite the lack of air-conditioning and the slightly shady neighborhood it was in. I left there for the sake of my car and my cats - and now I live here. I go home, and wonder what good all of the stuff I have is doing me. I have an entire room that I've wasted - given over to books and cats and an ironing board. I've got two bathrooms - one of whcih we only use when we are too lazy to walk the few steps to the other one. I'm looking for a maid to hire because I don't feel like cleaning and I don't feel like waiting for C. to decide he wants to clean - and now I want to move. Again. I hate having wall to wall carpet - it makes the place feel like it can never be totally clean. I love having a balcony - I can forget how big the rest of the hosue is and go out there to chill - at least until the weather gets crappy. I hate having two windows - I need to let more air and sun and light into my house. I love having central air and central heat. I hate having a vaulted ceiling. I want to live someplace small and cuddly that opens it arms and welcomes me home - not a place where I feel like I'm wintering over until the next home finds me. I liked my HOTEL rooms better than I like my apartment - lately.
But of course, finding an apartment this cheap, and this close to everything, with hardwood floors and a blacony in Indiana is downright impossible. There is this one apartment complx that I've wanted to live in for AGES - but damn this place is expensive. *sigh* And of course - that brings us back full circle to what I started talking about - money. I would like to live someplace smaller to save money - but with the options that I would like to have, it would end up costing more money. Unless I could find a quaint little house somewhere that the owner is renting...but ah. That'll fall into my lap when it is truly time for us to move.
Besides - I think that the next time that we move, we will be moving out of Indy. C has no ties here now - the job isn't all that he hoped it would be, and he plans on staying there until we are ready to move - move from Indy that is. I had every intention of staying until this release went live, and now they have added an extra 6 months to it. While that fits in with my 'debt free in 2005' almost perfecctly - I'd still have to be here for another 8 months to totally pull it off - unless I can think of someway to reduce my outlay or increase my inflow. All the same - I can't WAIT to leave. Perhaps I should start looking for another job now? I might find something better, that pays more money, in a nicer part of the country, and I could cut down on my time to freedom.
Hm. So many choices - I have to first realize that I am IN a box to be able to realize there are possibilities I'm not even seeing OUTSIDE the box.

Lately...

Well - I've been here for  3 days now, and I've felt rather ueseless the enitere time. They've shifted the time line for our project, and thus I'm feeling rather at loose ends. What I was suposed to be doing, doesn't need to be done for another 6 months, which is good since we were really o na shaky basis to get it done. Of course, that also means that I will now be here for another week & a half, with nothing solid to do. Hell - I could stay in Indy and do nothing. But, being here is better.

 

Especially since I'm not around Corey. I wonder if he'sstared readint thst book yet. Sometimes, I really to want to get married - and other times, I feel like it would be a major mistake for US at this point in time - and at any point in time in the future. Lately though, I've been feeling like I'm in a trough of despair - I don't see anything positive in us being together besides the fact that we are really good friends, on our good days. *sigh* 

 

Hormones really are a bitch. As I was reading 'The Sex-Starved Marriage' one of the main hormonal components she included in things that would cause problems was low testosterone. T is one of the msin hormones that give you the high level of horniness, and since I'm a girl, I'm already (comparitively) at a disadvantage. Then, I could have an even lower thna normal level of T, which means I would be even less horny than other girls. In the beginning stages of a relationship, the pure fact of the 'newness' causes your body to release DHEA, which rather acts like T. Therefore - when we first got together, I was all randy & stuff, and now that I'm not like that anymore- he's claiming a switch and bait. When I read this - the first thing I thought (after - "Oh my GOD!! That's me! That's US!" which I did through most of the book) was that she described the phenomenom of lesbian bed-death to a T. I'm itching to ask him if he's started reading the book yet, but at the same time somehow, I don't care if he does or not. I'm being a real bitch about this, and I wann be nice, but I'm sooo - blasse about the whole fucking thing. This is bad. *sigh* I've always realized that it was a bad sign that I wasn't really all that upset when we HAD to postpone the wedding due to his money issues.  Lately, I've really been wondering if 1) it was a subconsiously purposeful thing and 2) if he feels the same way. I don't want to ask him, because if we both feel the same way - ugh. I truly DON'T want to break up with him - but I don't really want to marry him either.

 

I suppose the return thingy is starting to make some sense now - I think. For breaks, I have to use this: but for actual returns to create a new paragraph, I hit enter. So - I guess I'm satisfied. I'm still missing my note history button, but the DM has some time to work on that.

 

Blah. I'm worthless when it comes to writing lately.  I've been writing buts and pieces in the paper journal (the feeling of pen on paper is rather soothing) but it's all been CRAP and PAP.  It's to the point where I'm sick of writing - but I really do still want to. I've released my 'desire' to be a writer - I'm not sure if I ever really WANTED to be a writer somedays, or if I was fooled into thinking I did becuase I knew that I wanted to do something creative, and writing was the one thing I was actually semi-good at.

 

9/20/03

I've had a bad week. Me & C. have been fighting like cats & dogs - last night we had the worst fight we've ever had - and I'm just at a point of utter frustration. It seems like whenever I work to get one part of my life in order, the other parts just fall to pieces. And of course, me being the completely integrated woman that I am - when part of mama's life ain't right, then mama's life ain't right.

I'm sooo fucking tired of being tense. Torin left me a note on my other entry about how neck tension could cause dizziness and the like. That makes perfect sense - I've been tense for ages. At this point, I can't WAIT to go to Geneva. I shan't have any money worries this time, since I wisely decided to get a cash advance from work this time. I'll be away from the dead slowness of the office, I'll be away from the stress and chaos of our relationship, and heaven help me - I'll be in a city that I love.

Ugh. It's just been a loonngg painful tiring week - if I was the emotional type I'd have been in tears for most of the week.

Yeah... it's definitely been one of those times.

---

 

So - what's up with my relationship? Good heavens - I don't even know how to put it into words. We've clashed - a lot lately - mainly because I don't fit his concept of the mate he wants. *sighs* I don't know what to do - I don't know if there is anything that I can do - but dammit I'm TIRED of living/working/loving this way. And yet, through it all it's a matter of love. I screamed at him last night that I'm willing to work through whatever needs to be worked through, but because I love him I'm not going to give up and just walk away. But today, looking at it from a point of calmness - that scares me. I don't WANT to come to a point where my love for him overrides my love for me - and lately the lines have been so blurred I'm not sure what is what or which is which.

And then - to add to that - I'm all tied up in knots over my body. Most days - I'm okay with waht I look like, how much I weigh, the general state of my body. But then - there are somes times where I wish I had enough money to go under the knife and slice and dice away everything that irks me. Not that it would make my life better, but at least when I get out the shower I wouldn't avoid my own reflection. And then I wonder if how I feel about me is a big part of the ugly spiral me & C. have fallen into - if I don't like me much - I'm certainly not going to work at him liking me or even me liking us.

This is definitely one of those times - and more and more lately I'm feeling this way - when I want to find a really good therapist, lay out on a couch and just spill my guts. I can't do that with anyone I know - cuz really, there is some wild shit going on in my head that most of the time I don't even want to acknowledge, much less let someone else in on the deal. But, I don't have the money to spend on settling my brain. Besides the fact that it feels sooooo damn indulgent to do so. I mean, it's not like there is anything really WRONG with me - I just need some totally neutral third party to talk to. *sigh* Gah. I'm just tired...and lonely.

So, what do I do? I come to OD and whinge on about my life. It's really not helping, but maybe if I do it often enough, I'll at least start to feel better. It's the closest thing I'm gonna get to therapy for a while. Bleh.

I Hate Sex

Have I taken steps to become the sexually free person you need?

In some ways yes, in some ways no.

Yes-

1) I'm truly not comfortable with forcing sex, but because I know that your sexual drive is so much higher than mine, there have been times when I've simply aquiciased - to keep peace. It's not a nice feeling, having sex with someone that you love and the refrain going through your head - I'd wish you'd just hurry up and come so I can go and get back to what I was doing.

2) I've been looking into and trying to track down various hormonal imbalances in women - trying to track down whether or not there could be something off in me that causes me to not be interested in sex. Thus far, I've found one - hypothyroidism. I display a good number of the symptoms, and I recently found a place that will test you for it without a doctor's prescription - as my doctor ran the test once and said I was fine. I'm not sure that I believe him, and I need to know one way or another - not just for us, but for me too.

3) I'm losing weight and exercising. One of the main reasons that I started this diet in the first place was for you. I didn't like my body much, but I could live in it - I definitely wasn't comfortable with you seeing it in full light or being sexually attracted to it however. I didn't FEEL sexy, and the last thing I wanted was someone feeling sexual towards me. So I started Atkins, hoping that would give me a rush of passion as a more beautiful me emerged from the pounds of fat that were cloaking me. Fifty pounds later that hasn't worked as well as I hoped, so I started exercsing. Studies have shown that exercise increases energy and the libido, and I figured it's worth a try. I've yet to feel any particular rush of lust from that either.

4) I'm looking into various types of aphrodisiacs that will bring up my libido. I figure that if I can get horny enough, whether I really want to have sex or not won't matter - I'll NEED to have sex.

5) We just had a conversation two days ago, and I thought that me being my unfettered, unconcerned about subtle invitations, physically affectionate self would be enough. I hoped that would be enough - at least for a while - at least for the spells in-between when I wanted sex. I KNOW I've been more affectionate, more loving in the past few days. Then last night - I don't know. It felt like all that I had said went in one ear and out the other, and once again all you really wanted from me was intercourse.

No-

1) I don't feel like there is anything wrong with me. I like me, I like who I am as a woman, as a sexual person, as a sensual person. I don't like being made to feel like there is something lacking in me because I can't satisfy you - I've never claimed to be perfect. Perhaps I am being selfish in that I don't sympathize with your deep-seated need for sex, but at the same time - I almost hate to say this - it IS my body.

2) I feel like I've been given an ultimatum, that unless I change who I am to who you want/need me to be, I'll lose you. I'm stuck between choosing you or choosing me, and I don't function at my best while being threatened. After the 10 years I spent dealing with that from my stepfather and watching him treat my mother that way, I tend to dig in and stick to my guns even harder in automatic response.

3) I worry about what this will mean as time goes on. What's going to happen when I'm in school, possibly raising children and keeping house, and trying to start a VERY demanding career as a midwife? What's going to happen when I have four 40-50 hour births back to back and drag home with nothing more on my mind than a hot tub and sleep - for weeks at a time? Will you then ask that I choose you or the one thing I can see myself spending the rest of my life being happy doing?

4) You say that I always have to have things my way in this relationship - but when I ask you what you have done that you felt uncomfortable doing - I can never get a straight answer. And I promise you - if there is ANYTHING that you are doing for me that you don't feel comfortable doing - I ask you to stop. I wouldn't want to be the cause of you doing anything that you don't feel comfortable and worthy doing.

The only two things that I have not met you halfway on has been sex and Church - both of which are very personal, very emotional things. Would you demand that I go to church if I was Jewish? If I was Muslim? So then, why do you demand now? Is my being Pagan not 'good' enough for you? Even the money thing - that is just as much for you as it is for me. You are the one who wants to own your own business. You are the one with the big dream of a resturant one day. All I need my credit to be in good shape for is to buy a house - and once I reduce my debt/income ratio I CAN do that without any problems. I can, and am more than willing, to buy a house under my name if we are married or not, so please don't say that I am forcing you into being more financially responsible. </P>

AlterEgo

I'm in one of those "I don't love me" moods. One of the moods that makes me want to go out and do wild, stupid, dangerous things that are nothing but bad for my health. I wanna go out and get throughly smashed and kiss the first three men who even LOOK at me sideways. I wanna buy an entire PACK of cigarettes and smoke them before the day is out. I want to buy a six pack of cookies, 3 pints of ice cream, and a half gallon of milk and gorge myself (in-between puffs) until I feel even more like the fat slug I think I am.
I need to figure out the root of these moods. They usualy come over me when I'm doing REALLY good to - I've been exercising, and eating right, and working on my finances, and generally honoring my body and my mind overall and seeing the joy in the world. I even LOOK good today - my hair is freshly done, I'm wearing a shirt that was too tight two months ago but now skims me like a dream, and my favorite slinky black skirt (that is in imminent danger of falling off of me) and a brand new pair of shoes I forgot I even had. I've set up a consultation for plastic surgery on the only area of my body that I KNOW I can't 'fix' with diet and exercise. I smell good - work is amazingly slow - but still GOOD. Yet there is this little anchor in me that WANTS me to pull it all down and fall apart. Something in me WANTS to go out and spend money I don't have on things I don't need. Something in me WANTS to go out and gorge myself on food that I now will do nothing but pack an instant 6 pounds of water on me that will take another month and a half to come back off.  I'm trying to sabatoge myself, and I don't know why. I don't  FEEL any fear - I'm looking forward to being the woman I really think I am all the way through - looks, money, mind.  I don't even think I'm hiding any 'issues' deep in my head - I've never even been NEAR the point that I'm approaching - and I've dreamt/looked forward to this point my ENTIRE life. I've been doing so very, very, very good lately...and suddenly I just don't WANT to do good anymore.
An the part that freaks me out the most is I just don't know WHY. Maybe it's some subtle form of depression where I try to claw my way back to the bottom of the pit I'm trying to pull myself out of. Maybe it's some sort of hormonal imbalance. Maybe it IS fear - raw pure gibbering terror at the thought of finally being who I think I want to be - what if she isn't all that anyway? Whatever it is - I don't like it. I don't like feeling like I'm turning against myself and have to exert my will against ME and force myself to do what I WANT to do anyhow. It's freaky feeling - I want this double-crossing, sabatoging, happy being broke, fat and miserable bitch out of me NOW! And I don't want her to come back.

Hopskitchin'

so, me & him....we still like each other, yeah. We still love each other, yeah. We still wanna marry each other, yeah. We just - *sigh* we just have to work out something that WORKS for us. GahAH! Oh! He got a job!! He's going to be a line cook in the resturant that he is waiting for the exec job to open up in. I'm not sure what sort of effect that is going to have on the rest of the line though - seeing one of 'theirs' (and a new guy to boot) be suddenly elevated to exec. Also - and I know why - I don't trust H. If he's shady grady enough to shop around for a new exec behind hs current exec's back (and the current HAS to know the axe is dangling by a very thin string) then what else might he do? *sigh* C. is just soooo dang excited about this job - for his sake I hope that it all comes up rosy. But at least it's some additional (bill-paying) income coming in! *does a lil dance*
Speaking of income - I picked up that part-time bookreading job. The lady really likes my style and my voice - so much that she gaveme the 'dry' stuff to read - I feel so cheated! *laughs* This is accounting, but at least I will be learning something new by going through this. IF I stick with this as she goes through law school, I might end up with half a law degree before it's all over.
Speaking of income once again - I KNOW one thing I would like us to do. We need a maid. Our house is so grubby it makes me SICK and I jsut can't dredge up the energy to clean it. The fact that he was at home all freaking day and did nothing didn't really up my urget o lcean after I got home from working all day either - but that's where it's at. I figure we should be able to handle having someone come in every once in a while and do the heavy stuff - it would so improve my sense of peace.

Ah yes - back to the job. C. wants to stay there (in the exec. position) long enough that he gets some good tenure, a good name for himself, and a good base to get ready to strike out and REALLY do his own thing. This of course, means that we will be in the Indiana area for (if he actually keeps the job) at a minimum another two years. While that fits into my budgetary plans just wonderfully - I don't know if I can survive here for another two years. Here being this city, this job, this- this! I feel like I'm getting old - like I've let so MUCH of my life slip by, and now I need to hurry up and do everything else I want to do before I get into the rest of my life. See- I want babes and I wanna be home with my babes and sometimes I feel like that is going to be a big ole gray area in my life where what I want to do will take second place to what the little ones NEED me to do. *sigh* It's almost like now that I'm looking it dead in the face - I'm scared of the motherhood that I want to have. Eh. I've got time though - another 2 years at least. I just didn't really plan on spending them HERE.
<hr>
I need to make some friends and I need to do this badly. I think that might be one of the reasons me & C. irk each other so badly - we are the others sole close relationship in the area. We both have rally good friends - but the live hours away. Hm. Since C. will be working most Saturdays, I think that I will get the Nuvo on Wednesday, and try to find something free and fun to do every Satruday - and try to meet at least ONE person each time. I can't make friends sitting at home, now can I? I don't even care at this point - male. female, black, white, whatever - I just need a vibing pardner (or three). I need to email Dawn.

(Almost) Early Morning Randoms

Well. That last entry was about the best spelled entry EVER while under the influence - a personal best I must say.

But in the cool (and headache causing) light of the morning, seriously - I don't know WHAT to do here. And I realized (while recklessly driving to work this morning as I severely overslept) another root of the problem is that in some ways - I think he's RIGHT. I DO think that my lack of libdio means that I'm not doing my 'job' as (almost) wife. I feel like I'm letting down my end of the bargain, and maybe I am. But who set up these rules? And if they don't work for me - who is half of this 'us' thing - why can't we change the rules? And if he can't accept the fact that I don't play by those rules, and doesn't want to change them - where does that leave this us thing?
I can try and try and try to 'fix' me - but what if I'm permanently broken?

*sigh*

late night randoms

C. said I kissed him with no passion - kissed him like a baby brother.
Then he grumps around when I don't want to have sex - doesn't one almost assume the other?

More on this later - I think I know a physiological solution to my very emotional/physical problem. Or is it a problem because he says so? Even if I think it's just me - just how I"m build, how I've been grown, how I AM???!
Don't know - not sure - and that very fact leaves me more confused than anything else.

Bed - peace - until he stirs awake. *sigh* Not sure at all - why couldn't it be easier? Why can't I make him happy and make me happy too? Why can't we match & be easy & exactly like each other. He says my contrarieness - me being me that won't bend to him - is one of the things that attracts me to him - but I have to wonder if me being me - and being contrary to him - is something that he can handle. I don't know. And I'm not sure. And I don't know if we can handle the implications of all that implies.

I'm tired - kinda. I need to go to bed. But he is there - he's in bed - and I'm nervous about the expectations of him being already in bed is. *sigh* I just wanna go to sleep. Is that wrong of me? I GOTTA go towork tommorow. It's not very ma ture of me to exercise avoidance - but that feels right to me now. Can I trust feelings? If I can trust feelings here - where CAN I trust feelings?

Drawn out - short but long - clear but intoxicated. It's what's what - and what matters.

I'm gone. The clarity that is assumed to be blurriness any other way.

G'night.

Why? Why not?

 Something else about me - I'm opinionated, but I'm curious and openminded as HELL too. I truly do like learning new things, and even more than that, I LOVE finding out how people think and what REALLY makes them tick.  I'm good for walking into the middle of a debate and asking the question that drives every parent crazy - "Why?"

Why do you do it this way instead of that way?
Why does it work better?
Why can't it be done that way?
Why do you believe that?
Why do you do that?
I'm good for doing this to C. He'll ask for my suggestions for a recipe, and he'll knock it down for whatever reason - and I begin with the whys. I've never been satisfied with a 'just because'.
Lately, I've noticed that some people don't deal with Whys very well. They tend to jump to the defensive immeadiately, defending themselves rather than trying to explain themselves. Maybe it's just a certain conversational/listening issue - but I've run across it several times - and I usually end up spluttering - I wasn't berating you! I wasn't trying to be belligerent! I just wanted to know WHY? I find that the question of why is the simplest and most mind-expanding thing you can ask if you are willing to follow the trail of answers. There are times when I'm thinking about something, and I'll wonder why. I'll hop online, and spend two hours tracking down fascinating little nibbles of information that sprung from a single, tiny, question - Why?
I think sometimes people are afraid of why because they don't KNOW why. And if you hve based anything of importance - any opinion of yours on a belief, and you can't explain WHY you believe that - it starts to chip away at your sense of stability. Most people just close themselves off - instead of exploring themselves and the reasons why - they'd much rather sit in the darkness of an unexplored mind.

Boredom

 It's a dangerous thing.

 So lately, I've been thinking about the whole gettng married thing - lately being since Saturday when I met Corey's uncle and he told us to just go and get hitched with a civil type thing. That stuck a thought in my head - C's family isn't coming to the wedding unless we have it IN Indiana anyhow, so really we can have it anywhere we damn please. And since neither of us are churchgoers - all we really need is the legal bit done - which we can do short and sweet somewhere, and then have the longer, official (at least to me) bit done anywhere, by ANYBODY. So - that further led me to thinking - all of my family and friends are on the East Coast - and it would be much cheaper for us to fly there and get hitched then it would be for everybody to fly elsewhere and get hitched. So.... why not have it there? I'm resisting the thought simply cuz that's what my mom wanted me to do anyway, and I HATE it when she's right, but dammit sometimes the woman just makes sense.

I expect to have about 5 or 6 entries by the time I go home today. Short little brain farts.
Excuse me.

but....

 in spite of all the worries and fears I have - I have a wonderful life. I've got a wonderful job, a peaceful & lovely apartment, two gorgeous cats, enough money to be far from poverty, and a amzing man who loves me. I've got my health, friends, a deep desire to expand and grow, a fierce curiosity and enough faith in myself to somehow manage it all.
Sometimes I have to stand back and look at only what is solid and true in order to ground myself in the wonder & awe & beauty & love that is the wolrd I live in EVERYDAY. There is soo much beauty and love and joy that surrounds me (and all of us) that sometimes I have to force myself to look away from the tarry pit of self-pity, and exault in the simple peace & joy of rain.

doubtful

It's not that I hate PMS, because I don't. If anything - I fear it. I don't know how to look at my emotional state during this time. Is this how I TRULY feel, and simply repress during my less 'in touch' times? Or is this simply a silly side effect of the hormonal cocktail swirling through my system? I don't know - and with that not knowing comes the fear. I don't know if I should grant any validity to the concerns I have now - are they concerns that are true & valid ones, that I have stubbornly ignored and assumed I would be strong/intelligent/willing enough to work out? Or are they problems that will be in the long run, minute ones - but for this period of time they are molehills bloated into mountains?
I don't know anymore. And it's really scary. I tend to believe that for the most part - I'm in touch with myself. It might take me a little time, but I listen to my heart and take its view of the truth and try to tone down the relentlessly logical paradigm I normally operate under. Even still, I know that sometimes I ignore what my deepest sense of myself is telling me - because it's too hard, too ugly, too sudden, too DIFFERENT from what I do everyday - and I can do that seamlessly - with only this time being the time that I am forced to look right into my heart - with no option of recoiling from the mirror I see there. But I can't tell if it's a clear smooth mirror, or a funhouse one. And I can't talk to my friends because the things I see there I don't want to think of - much less hash out with someone else. I can't even write them down and out - here, on paper, anywhere! Maybe I would feel comfortable writing them out in the sandy shore of an ocean and watching the waves dissolve them...but anything even vaguely semi-permanent? I can't do it.
This time - the mirror is showing me something so totally life-changing I can't even LOOK at it. It's been creeping into the back of my head occasionally over the last month or two - but I've shoved it back figuring it to be just a general grousing of the spirit - me growing and stretching as I learn and experience more. Now - today - they don't look the same. My heart is telling me the very last thing I want to hear, and right now I CAN'T do anything but give it time & space and validity to grow - or to die. Maybe it's a phantasm that will fade away after a week - or maye it's a swelling tumor that will choke me until I yield. I can do nothing more right now than acknowledge both of those options - and honestly, I'm not even sure which I would prefer.
I think that is what scares me the most.

Wanted: A Dancing Queens Castle

went out last night - I was really looking forward to it. I had picked out just the right outfit - clubbin appropiate without being slutty (oh, if I had only known then....). I wore a tank top with "I [heart shape] my freedom" on it - which everyone amusingly enough assumed to be in SUPPORT of that foolish war on Iraq, and a smidge over knee length skirt that I had trimmed last weekend but never wore, and a nice study pair of clunky shoes. I was a wee bit nervous about the tank top as it was a WEE bit tighter than I usually wear, and I've got a little jiggly belly that showed through some(oh, if I had only known then....)
I've gotten directions off of Yahoo! and I knew that ladies get in free before 11, so I figured I'd try to make it there by ten - just to be on the safe side. The directions took me down the back roads to some of the CREEPIEST neighborhoods I had ever seen in my life (foreboding anyone??). There were few street signs, fewer street lights, and even fewer fools besides me going down these roads. I'm guessing where Yahoo! led me was it's version of 'shortest time'. They've got 'most direct' and some other category but I really think they need to add another category - 'least creepy'. So - I finally get to the shopping center the club is in (after turning around twice) - and realize that it is BARELY a mile from an exit on the MAIN highway in the city - which I LIVE a block from. We all know how I went home, don't we? But I won't jump ahead.
I had to stop and ask a cop in front of the just closing (and very abandoned looking) LoBill to figure out how to actually get to the club - which ended up being behind the shopping center down a road that was in a MOST disreputable state. I pull into the parking lot at almost ten on the nose, and there were less than 10 cars there. I finally started to get worried. Then, I thought - okay, CP time, no one is really going to GET here until 10:30/10:45. I was brave enough to GO to a club alone, but there was no way in hell I was going to be the first person to walk into an empty club. So - I sat in the car for 45 minutes, smoking cloves and listening to my 'get pumped' CD.
Two guys stopped at my car - one security guy to see why I was lingering there (most likely thought I was stalking one of the non-existant club-goers) and another cheerful young fellow who tried to sell me three CD's. It's interesting - I always thought unsigned, uncommercial hip-hop was called underground, not indie, but after I sweetly told him I wasn't buying anything, he gave me a free CD of indie hiphop. I've yet to listen to it, but I'm sure it will be, if nothing else, interesting.
Around 10:30, suddenly the parking lot started to fill up - cars of women. This is when I REALLLY started to get nervous. I haven't lived in the hood, or associated with hoodlike people since I left Atlanta 3 years ago, and I've done enough maturing at this point that they aren't even FUNNY anymore. Every single woman who walked through that door personfied hood-trick in a different fashion. Whether it was the bootyshorts showing off the tattoo on both thighs (and the generous cellulite) with the droopily braless halter top, or if it was the big gurl who borrowed her ten year old (her SKINNY ten year old) little sisters dress for a shirt, it was worrisome. And I'm not even going to TALK about the hair. I may have been the ONLY woman in that club who grew all of the hair that was on her head. So - I watch this parade of women for about 10 minutes, then decided that I had better go on over before the line got too long. I brought 5 bucks, my ID, my car key, and my smokes with me - which shortened the search process considerably.
What is it wih black women and the whte eyeshadow? I could never get that - I NEVER thought it looked attractive, but that's clearly just me as the group of girls in front of me were sharing a stick before we got in the club, and the girl behind me looked like she had been slapped with a stick of it.
I make it through the search, and enter the club. This place was actually HUGE - I was really suprised by the size. There was a little bar and grill (hot wings and french fries), 4 bars, a nice sized VIP section, a pretty roomy dance floor and a smaller one, and a area in the back with 6 pool tables in it. Plus, there were several nice little seating areas - with TV's. I grabbed a good seat (so that I could watch the parade as it went by) and proceeded to wait. My ONLY reason to go was to dance - not to hookup, not to really talk to anybody, not to get drunk. Hell - I had to go to WORK the next morning. I waited...and waited...and waited some more - about a good 30 to 45 minutes had gone by before the DJ got set up really good and started playing music. In that time, this guy and girl at the bar next to the seating area got into a fight - much cursing, much accusations of being a 'broke ugly ass bitch' and 'weak ass nasty nigga' which ended with homeboy being gently escorted from the club. I watched the girl celebrate with her friends how she had just played him, and made a consious decision to stay as FAR away from her & her girls the rest of the night.
The DJ played NOTHING but hiphop, and the occasional slow jam (or assgrinders as he so colorfully called them). Now, don't get me wrong - I dig hiphop. It's not the easiest thing to dance to - but you can get down. I danced pretty steadily for about an hour, but after slapping four DIFFERENT pairs of hands away from going UP my skirt (annd I was actually dancing rather conservatively - comparing), and witnessing a girl literally hump a guy on the floor (and I was just praying that the bits I couldn't see had clothes on them), I decided that I needed to be MUCH drunker than the almost stone-sober I was to enjoy this. I held out dancing on and off until 1:45, then decided that it really wasn't going to get any better, and besides, I had to go to work in the morning. The club closed at 3am, and I didn't think I wanted to see the effects of any more alcohol in the bloodstreams of the folx around me. I had the distinct feeling that people had been shot as they were leaving this club, and I wanted to be gone WELL before that.
As I was leaving, there were still people coming INTO the club - white eyeliner and gold fronts everywhere. I laughed as I left - I swear, sometimes there are REALLY perfectly good reasons for not going out. As I left, the security guard told me to be sure to come back Saturday - as the club "gets a lot more live". I don't think I could HANDLE any more live than that.
So - now I'm on the hunt. I've GOT to find someplace that I can go and dance and have a good time without having to deal with nasty ass dudes and trampy acting girls and nasty attitudes in general. I hope it wasn't simply the almost all-black clientle that made it so...unpleasant (my people, my people) but I figure I'll try Have a Nice Day Cafe next Thursday - once again a cover free ladies night. Anything has GOT to be better than that - and it's much closer to home - on a MAIN street even. *sigh*
I'm a dancing queen with no club to call home.....

Wish me luck.

Stuff

I didn't go work out last night (but it was my off night!) I"m not going tonight either - but that's because I'm going out to a club to shake my booty - and I figure that trumps a mere half an hour of sweaty sacrifice. Besides the fact - I'm looking FORWARD to going home and laying out in my living room and taking a little hot sweaty nap before I go out - especially since I've been yawning since I woke up this morning. I'm going tonight (instead of the much more sensible tommorow night) because it's ladies night, and in my current state of fiscal instability - that sounds like a damn good thing.

I've been calling places canceling - thankfully I hadn't booked EVERYTHING, as I've only gotten back 1/2 of one deposit thus far. *sigh* The postponement announcements went out today - I think they are light-hearted enough that I won't be deluged with a flood of 'Are you okay??' messages - though I would totally understand people sending them. I actually feel slightly GUILTY about being relived that we postponed. Hm. It's one less thing to stress about - even though that dress in my closet is going to be singing a sweet song. I feel like I should feel bad about it - nervous and guilty and shamed and apprehensive about what it all means - but I'm not.  I'm actually a little giddy about it - but it's not because I don't want to marry him - heaven KNOWS I do. It's not because I wasn't looking forward to the wedding - cuz heaven knows I WAS. It's just - it's just not a bad thing somehow. Maybe I'll dream about why it's okay - maybe next week something will happen that will highlight just why I feel so - secure - in having made this decision. Eh. I don't know - but I'm happy and that's the critical bit, yes?

Affirmative Action

I'm a black woman. Under those circumstances, you would think that I would be one of the ones madly cheering the Supreme Court's decision on Affirmative Action. In actuality, I'm rather dissappointed.
The basic premise of AA is that because certain people have been historically denied access to certain 'benefits' of life due to their gender or race, the government should step in and insure that there is no discrimination in areas that recieve gov't. funding. In theory - I doubt that anyone feels that someone who has the same skills & qualifications should be denied a position solely because of their sex or race - that's just basic equality. Where the problem comes in, as in the Supreme Court case, is when people who DON'T have those same qualifications and skills are chosen over people who DO have them, simply because of AA and the color of their skin or their gender.
My disgust with the Supreme Court decision goes beyond them endorsing racism. It goes, in fact to the root of the problem - why DON'T these people have the same skills & qualifications as others? Why do they recieve lower tests scores? Why do they have lower GPA's? Why don't they have as many extra-curricular activities? Obviously, they have some interest in their education, otherwise they wouldn'tbe trying to get into college in the first place. So - what's the problem?
I went to a 99% black high school. Out of my class of 600 people, there was ONE white person, and about 7 or 8 hispanics. Due to the area that the school was located in (very poor, very low rate of home-ownership) the school taxes that were paid barely covered the maintence of the school builiding, much less things like new textbooks, SAT study guides, or any of the other 'perks' that most schools in more prosperous areas receive. In addition, a majority of the people I went to school with were the first generation in their family to even have a HOPE of going to college, and their parents had no clue what was needed to insure that their children had the skills and qualifications that the children who went to the school in the suburb up the street had. I'm assuming that the parents even actively supported their child's desire to go to college, which many parents didn't because they considered it a waste of time and money - esp. when the power plant up the street was hiring people fresh out of high school at the regal rate of 13 bucks an hour - plus overtime.
Contrast this to the also public high school (of mostly middle to upper middle class white people) that my best friend went to. Since it was a public school in a very affluent neighborhood, it was richly funded by school taxes, and it showed in the level of education. They purchased new textbooks every year. They had a brand new chemistry lab. They were able to afford in-school SAT Prep classes. They were able to afford highly qualified, dedicated and skilled teachers. They were EXPECTED to go to college after graduation - and those benefits and expectations showed in their grades and test scores.
Let's take a step back and look at this again. We have two children, and let's assume they have the same IQ, the same basic skills, the same ability to learn- but because of their parents/environment/schooling - one ends up with a SAT score of 1500, and the other ends up with an SAT score of 1000. The difference in the scoring is not due to their intelligence, or their ability to learn, but simply because of what school and what district they attended school in. That is the inequality that AA is supposed to correct - and while it does that for some cases, I firmly believe that it happens WAY too late. AA should exisit at the public school level - from Pre-K to High school - so that there is NO huge gap between the quality of PUBLIC SCHOOLS based on where you live - which most children have absolutely NO choice in. If every child is given an EQUAL opportunity to learn, and an EQUAL quality of education (which is what PUBLIC, gov't funded schools should be all about) then we wouldn't NEED AA at the college level - the playing field would already be level, and the race of the applicant would no longer make any difference in their qualifications and skills.
Screw Affirmative Action. Let's start correcting the inequalities at the ROOT of the problem, not at the tip.

poof!

loosely tied down
by the weakest restraints
of duty
and ethics
like a dandelion after bloom
with one hard puff
i’ll be swept away

---

I’m twitchy. It’s gotten worse over the last few days – but I’ve got so much nervous energy rumbling through me I don’t know what to DO with myself. I understand how kids feel who are forced to sit still behind a desk for long periods of time – it’s just MEAN. I’ve no clue where this wiggliness comes from – it could be the exercise, it could be the fact that I KNOW it’s officially summertime outside, it could be the excitement of my upcoming return to Geneva, hell I don’t know! I have the attention span of a GNAT.
But I know that it seems like every hour here – esp. the hours in which I have not a scrap of work to do (I hate limbo) – is slowly driving me CRAZY. I wanna be doing something – anything. And with this latest form of writers lock where if I write anything that isn’t damn near factual I think it’s utter dreck, I can’t even blabber on in here.
Maybe it’s the music – but that seems to be the only thing that keeps me calm.

Quandry...

I feel like SUCH a huge weight has been lifted off of my (our) shoulders, but at the same time, I'm rather embarassed about the whole thing.
Corey & I have decided to postpone the wedding - not because of any issues between us, but because it's just not financially viable at this point for us to have the wedding we REALLLY want to have. I've cut so many corners the whole dang thing is bleeding, and we finally had a real sitdown & heart to heart about it this weekend - and for several more reasons than JUST the money - we decided it would be best to postpone. We don't know for how long, but.... it's the best thing for us to do.
Now of course is the delightful decision of how to let everyone know. I (being the smart ass that I am) was going to send out postcards that were a riff off of our save the dates (STD) - but thought that might be a bit too informal. I could do the invites - but I don't want to send out the same style of envelope & paper like I did for the STD's. Argh. And I need to do this SOON - like this week - so that as few people as possible make travel plans. I've called the people whose curent numbers I have...and then the mailing. *sigh*

For me to be such a planner, this is utterly mindblowing.

Currency

Current Book
Peace Is Every Step: The Path Of Mindfulness In Everyday Life
Current Song
I Would Die 4 U - Prince
Current Favorite Pair Of Shoes
My Eagle Creek High Heel Strappy Sandals That Feel Like I’m Walking On Air.
Current Favorite Piece Of Clothing
My ¾ Sleeve Clingy Black Shirt From LB
Current Recurrent Thought Or Concept
Patience My Child, Patience
Current Favorite Beverage
Water
Current Anxiety
Money.
Current Best Time Waster
Open Diary
Current Favorite Annoying Thing To Do
Tap Nails On Desk Noisily
Current Favorite Fantasy
Winning The Lottery
Current Wish List
Lots Of Money (Or No Bills)
A Really Close Girlfriend
A Housekeeper
A Non-Corporate Job
Current Small Happiness
I’m Going Shopping This Weekend!
Current Bane Of My Existence
No Banes….
Current Irritation
The Fact That I No Longer Own A Single Bra That Fits Perfectly
Current Mood
Calm, A Little Bored
Current Favorite Animal In The World
My Kitlings
Current Language I Wish I Knew/Knew More Of
Spanish Or French
Current Place I'd Rather Be Than Where I Am
At The Beach
Current Thing I'm Most Thankful For
My Mind And My Sight

---

Yes, clearly I'm a little bored at work today - FOUR entries in one day? I think this is a record for A'ishah....

Communal Curiousity

I was sitting on the balcony last night, savoring a clove, and I started thinking about how social most people are, and more importantly, the deep urge I have finally given into to be a social person. Then, I began to wonder - is being part of a community an innate human desire? Does everyone feel the need to belong to something that brings them together with other humans, whether it be a church or a school or a workplace? Can anyone ever be totally and completely happy as an isolated entity with no long-term connections of any type to another person or person(s)? I wonder if for some people that is part of the attraction of OD? It's a community that makes you feel as if you are integrated into other peoples lives, and they are integrated into yours - a true sense of virtual community, whether you ever meet anyone from here or not.

Dreamin....

It's do hard for me to try to write about my dreams because I never really remember the whole thing - just bits and pieces of them. Still - the dreams I had this morning were vivid enough that I want to write down the details I rememeber.

a) I was living in a hotel that had all kinds of rooms and cubbyholes in it - esp. back in the 'service' area. I found this one room that looked like it had been squatted in - the bedside dresser had money and other odd little coins in the top drawer, and the bottom two drawers were full of checks made out to this one person KK, and the little bathroom was full of furniture from other rooms. The main dresser had clothes in it, and on top of the dresser there was a jewelry box on top with all this really unique and totally to my taste jewelry. I knew this was someones room I had stumbled into, and so I didn't steal anything - but for some reason I had to stay there. I laid down on the waterbed, and it sunk down into this hole that was under the bed - I looked into the hole, and it was the ceiling of someones house. I finished cutting open the hole into the house, dropped into the house, and started randomly rummaging through a table of mail and money by the front door - the ceiling hole was right near the entrance way. A little boy came running into the house calling for his father, and I leapt behind a chair so that he wouldn't see me. As soon as the little boy left the room, I collected the stuff I had stolen, and slipped out of the front door, and began running away from the house. I almost got lost, but truned back and saw the hotel above the house and started to follow the road that led to the hotel. A few seconds later, the man whose house I had been in (Papa) came out, and started running towards the hotel. I kept walking, and ended up in some sort of open air market. Papa then caught up with me, and started flirting with me, having no clue that I was the one who had just robbed his house. Papa was a fine specimen of a fellow too - he looked African, and was tall with smooth & dark chocolate skin. He had short hair, and a sexy lil goatee too. We walk to the hotel, chatting and conversing, and when he gets there he stops at the desk to tell them want happened, and I go to the squatters room to drop off my goods. I then left that room, and went to stay in the room that I was ACTUALLY living in at the hotel.
This was only the last part of the dream - I had done a lot more in the hotel before I found that little hole, but I can't remember what.

b) I was somewhere with another woman - like a Super Walmart gone mad. The woman had two children - a little girl (about 2) and a little boy (about 2 weeks). For some reason, she made the little girl try to feed the little boy, and he simply could not get enough food. The woman seemed a little - mentally off any how - and I stopped and sat down and started feeding the little boy. I gave him a bottle, and I kept feeling like I was actually breastfeeding him even though I was WATCHING him eat from this bottle. The woman then told me she was the queen of this area (the outside area, not the Super Walmart place) and she and her husband (the King) were looking for someone to take care of their children and I seemed perfect. I agreed, and went home with her to meet the king. I met the king who was a gorgeous Arab looking man. About 6'5 and just - massive looking. Almost like a bear, but amazingly sexy. In a matter of days we were embroiled in a seriously torrid affair - sex, love and our intense focus on the children. At some point, I was interviewed by a group of phsycologists and was made to be the 'true' queen in all but name because the children had imprinted on ME as being their mother.
I quite regretted the point at which I had to wake up from this dream because I was in the middle of a tryst with the king. Once I woke up, all I could remember was having this AMAZING sex in my dream, but I couldn't remember WHO with. It took me recalling the fact that the babies thought I was their mother for me to remember the king.

So - those two dreams have been knocking about in my head all day, and writing about them made me remember some of my other dreams - like the one I had a couple of months ago where my car had broke down in the middle of a trailer park, and the people who offered to help tried to rope me into a swing party that was going on at the time - and I couldn't because of something that meant I had to leave. Mind you, once I tried to leave I was so rattled that I hit about 4 cars as I tried to drive out of the park. It's interesting that almost ALL of my dreams have sex in them, or some sort of sexual undertone, no matter WHAT the rest of the dream might be about. Actaully - more accurately, the dreams I REMEMER always have a lovely thread of sexuality through it. I wonder if it's a sign of my repressed sexuality (which is a topic for another entry).

Now that I've recorded them, I think they might leave me alone...though I'll daydream about kingy boy for a little while longer. Damn but he was HOT.

Secret Sexuality

How can I explain it? I think like a slut and act like a prude, but I don't want to act like a prude. I'm not comfortable with my own sexuality - I don't trust it, no matter who I am expressing it with. It's starting to get really frustrating because I (unless I'm under the influence of a mind-altering substance of some sort) can't fully EXPRESS who I am. I shy away from outwardly expressing my sexuality like a burnt child shies away from the stove, and both consiously and subconciously I know WHY and even precisely WHEN this change happened, and I can't figure out how to overcome the block I've set up for myself. Also, the fact that I dream about sex almost all the time tells me that I want it - it's something I desire, but DAMN I've repressed myself so throughly I don't now how to bring it back.
I could simply try to keep forcing it until it's no longer forced but natural - but sexuality is the last thing that should be forced - it takes all of the fun out of it. I've tried just waiting on it, hoping that the block will eliminate itself. I've wondered if getting pregnant would help erase the block, but I'm not willing (nor crazy/selfish/stupid) enough to gamble a child on my sex life.
I used to be a wild child - but it didn't FEEL wild to me. I was simply being myself to the fullest - and it felt good and natural and beautiful and safe. And then, I hit a vey rough spot, and it wasn't quite so good and natural and beautiful and safe and I consciously unplugged my sexuality as a protective mechanism and now I can't get it plugged back in again, and I'm REALLY starting to miss it. And what makes it worse are these damn dreams... to wake up feeling my sexuality vibrating through every bone and sinew and realize that the only time I can get that way now is when I'm SLEEP truly, truly, TRULY sucks. Esp. since I remember a time when I felt like that ALL the time. The wind and the sun and the vibration of the train were all my lovers and damn I always had a certain - bounce in my step.
I wonder if hyponotism could work? *sigh*

Journey

My entire office smells of burnt popcorn. My mind interpets the smell as over-grilled meat and/or burning paper. Odd, considering I know that what I'm smelling is nasty burnt popcorn, but my mouth is still watering at the scent of meat.
I've been strangely clumsy today - running into walls, dropping things that I have a perfectly firm grasp on, stumbling over non-exisistant bumps in the floor. I think I'm unbalanced by the fact that Corey is still here - he was most sick this weekend, and took two whole sick days off to rest up and heal himself. I find myself wanting to hurry home to be with him - simply to soak up his presence as I try to stay as far away from his infectious tail as I can. I wonder if it will be like this when he's back here - I hope not. I plan on having a least a wee bit of a life - even if it consists of nothing more than group outings and meetings and working out, and to feel guilty about not going straight home is rather silly - isn't it? I suppose when he's healthy and working I wouldn't feel so bad.
I'm considering going to a tanning salon this summer. I'm a bit piebald for a black girl, with light and dark patches all over me. From 5 to about 15 I never played outside with bare arms or legs, and I think that my body simply forgot that there should be jsut as much melanin there as there is on my face and hands. Over the years these oddly pale legs and shoulders of mine began to bother me more and more - and I figure why should I have to live with something that I don't like and I KNOW I can change. Of course, the simple brass ovaries it's going to take for me to walk INTO a tanning salon and have a calm conversation about starting a tanning regimen still have not dsplayed themselves, but at least I'm thinking about it. I figure that I'll get better results (as well as slightly safer) going to a salon rather than doing my usual route of laying out in the sun every weekend.
It's only 4:30 - I want to be out smiling in the sun, singing along with my mixCD, driving to the gym. *sigh*

My Life, Eh?

For the longest time I was trying to be sleek & cool by having all my titles be a single word. Eh, screw that I say - I'll make each one be about the entry instead - however I wish it to be. Sometimes it might be one word, sometimes it might be a full sentence, but whatever it is it'll be the best fit.

So - besides losing weight and the personality changes that seem to come along with that, what else has been going on in my life?

1) TG & TBU's wedding: It was only my SECOND wedding in my life, but man it was LOADS better than the first. She was radiant, he cried before he even STARTED speaking his vows (and they were lovely - hers & his) and the food and dancing was great. :) I've warned her already that I will be swiping SEVERAL ideas from her and she gave me her total permission. I also had a face to face with several OD'ers - so cool to attach faces to words.
2) Work: It's been interesting. I still haven't quite settled into exactly WHAT my role is going to be as part of this new position, and I hate the fact that no-one can really break it down and list exactly what the hell I'm SUPPOSED to be doing, but I like it. I'm actually working/learning/CONTRIBUTING in a way that feels worthwhile to ME and it's good. I'm still only staying until this release is over.
3) Midwifery: I've been reading A LOT, and I have actually started studying (a little) in my A&P book. I've more or less settled on the fact that I'm going to do the CNM route - mainly because I don't really WANT to limit the states that I can legally practice in, and because I feel like I could do the most good if I have those 'letters' after my name. I'm trying to talk one of my first friends into becoming an OB rather than a heart surgeon so that I can always have a flexible and reasonable backup doc, but she's not hearing it. :) I plan on taking a few intial classes (like A&P) this fall if I can dredge up the money.
4) Wedding: Well. I REALLY need to get on these invitations - I've got everything set I just need to print them, put them together, and mail them. Not a biggie at all right? Yeah, right. The realization jsut hit me last week that it's the middle of JUNE and I wanted the RSVP's to be back by the first of AUGUST which means I REALLLLLLLLLLLLY need to get freakin crackin. I've bought my dress, and Corey has been fitted and ordered his tux. I haven't been able to get in touch with my MaidOH, and my ManOH won't be able to come *sob* because of another conflict. I'm not even going to debate within myself why he isn't willing to miss a day of school (yes, it's the first day in his doctoral program but still - it's MYYYYYY DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!!!!) His family still isn't coming, but we've got a load of friends and the like who are - which means that the wedding will have the under-30 people I wanted it to have in the first freaking place. I still need to send of the official contract to the photographer and the officiant... and I have not yet booked our flights or our rooms because I'm waiting to see what kind of new job Corey gets so that I KNOW when he will be able to leave & come back. Heh. Somehow - I predict a future of me running about like a mad woman. Thank god we're getting married in Vegas cuz otherwise I would SO be SOL.
5) Friends: Well, I've ben trying to make some friends in real life and it's RATHER odd. I've joined the Indy Bi-Versity group, and it's just weird. I still haven't figured out how grown-ups make new friends, but I figure if I'm actually OUT amongst people, that's a first step in the right direction. How to translate that 'hanging out in a group setting' to 'hanging out as friends' I'm having a tough time with, but I figure I've got to get the hang of it at SOME point - yes?
6) Homelife - me & corey are doing great, though he still hasn't found a job up here and I miss him EVER so much, at least I know he's coming back soon. I tore my apartment apart and then put it back together - it's SO much more welcoming and attractive now. It could still stand tobe vacuumed once a week rather than the every other week it gets, but hey - I'm making progress. When he moves back, I plan on suggesting that we hire a miad to handle the rough bits for us on a biweekly basis. Why do it, if I can pay someone else to, yes? The kitlings are fine - I think they got rather spoiled at the kennel though - but I love them anyway. I had to stop letting thm go out on the balcony unsuperized as Nikki (he of the long tail) decided that he preferred sitting on the balcony railing to sitting on the balcony FLOOR where he belonged - so they are on bird watching probation.
7) Finances: Ugh. About the same - I got my first speeding ticket of the summer which I am going to pay for with part of the money I'm getting back from my expense report. I'm also up to date on the little things that I kept forgetting about like my subscrition to Smithsonian and a couple of bucks to my dentist and some other niggling things. I'm getting a little over 300 bucks back (so make that 200 to spend) and I plan on spending every SINGLE drop of it on new summer clothes & shoes for myself as it's really starting to get ugly. When I wash clothes Thursday and have NOTHING that I want to wear by Monday, that's really a bad sign.

I think that's about it. As I told Chris (who I'm talking to again on a VERY intermittent basis) I'm actually content for once. I'm not settled, but for right now as far as my life goes, I'm satisfied. And really - that's good enough for me for now.

Capable

I've started this entry three times. The first time, I was writing about my weight, and scrapped that to go into my personal journal. The second time I was interrupted to go to lunch, and when I came back it made no sense at all. This is the third time - let's hope I make some sense this time.

Capable: having attributes (as physical or mental power) required for performance or accomplishment.
For some odd reason, I'm very suddenly aware of the fact that I'm NOT writing for just me - or more accurately, evne though I AM writing for just me, there is a WORLD of other people out there who could read it. It's rather like looking up and suddenly realizing that the wall across from you is made of glass - and there are PEOPLE on the other side of it. So - I'm OD shy.

I've got all these 'issues' roiling about in my head - which seem to have been spurred by my weight loss (which even I get sick of taling about sometimes) but that I know I NEED to talk about (or at leat get out on paper) for the very simple reason that if I don't deal with and look at the emotional feelings I'm getting as I change - it's going to be a lot harder for me to maintain that change. Or, am I over analyzing once again?

It's always been said that who you are is directly based on three things - your physical self, your mental self, and your eotional self - three lobes of everyone that determines WHO they are. When I first started this process, I was concerned that I would change WHO I was because I am changing how I look. At this point (still not YET 50 pounds on the scale - but from a 22 to a 14) I think I'm changing. And - I don't know WHO this new chick is!

She's a lot more than me. She's more fearless, more bold, more outgoing, more flirtaous, more energetic, more aggressive, more sexual, more open, more confident. She's also less than me - less shy, less nervous, less concerned about negative opinions, less quiet. It's not that I'm complaining - not in the least. In some odd ways I feel like I'm turning into the woman that I've always wanted to be - but DAMN it's scary. I feel like I'm on some HUGE rollarcoaster ride that I've strapped myself into and stubbornly REFUSE to climb off of. I feel like I'm getting sucked into being intensely concerned about how I look, how I walk, how I sit, how my hair is done - good lord I feel like I'm becoming vain, and that I DON'T like. But at the same time - there is such a fine line between being vain and just keeping myself looking nice. I'm not used to just looking nice. I'm not used to walking by a mirror and slowing down rather than speeding up because I appreciate what I see. I'm not used to getting glances from people and KNOWING that they are glances of appreciation rather than of disgust, and dammit it's WEIRD, and I'm not sure how to handle it - or even if it is something that NEEDS to be handled. Perhaps, rather like on a rollercoaster, I should just lean WAYYYYY back, toss my hands in the air, and enjoy every second of this ride.

But for me, and my determined control issues, I don't kow if I'm capable of such relaxation. I don't know if I CAN just let myself go emotionally and take 'this' to it's end point. It's really scary and wonderful and nerveracking and exciting all at once - and I simply CANNOT believe that I'm going through all this mental gymnastics over FOURTY-FOUR pounds. I mean - what's going to happen when I hit having lost 64 pounds? Or even 84? How do people who have weightloss surgery handle it? I've done this slow transformation over 10 months - how do people handle losing 100 pounds in that same amount of time? That has GOT to warp your sense of self.

And now - I've added exercise to it, and that's scaring me even more because I KNOW how I react to exercise, and it's rapid and very pleasing and I'm jsut not sure I'm READY! And I've been cheating more, but I'm still losing inches and I think some of the cheating is because I'm scared. I don't know WHAT I'm scared of - but it's scary. Hm. That's a good point. What AM I scared of? Simply change? *sigh* I don't know. I suppose that's a big part of the issue roiling about in my head - a vague formless fear of something that will come about from being slim - maybe a fear of losing control? Is my fat some sort of mental bomb shelter for me that i can creep under and hide? Am I afraid of being really 'seen' - being noticed for my looks first rather than my big ole brain? Am I afraid that I will get sick of Corey and feel like I can 'catch' something different? Am I afraid that in the end I WON'T change and will still be in the same spot I am in now, just skinnier? I don't know.... I think I can say no to all of thsoe fears - but what other kind of fears could this be dredging up?

I realized again that somehow I managed to make this entire entry about my weight - but I suppose if that is what's on my mind, that's what i should write about - but actually now that I've gotten THAT out of the way - I want to write about some other stuff as well.
Hm.

YEEP!!

It's about that time - my subscription here is about to expire. So - I'm going to just copy ths whole place, and then let 'er pass in peace. :) I've settled down enough that I don't really NEED an entire diary JUST for my wedding.
Anyone who hasn't found my 'other' identity yet - I'm A'ishah. See ya round.

Easing Back In

100 movies. Bold the ones that you've seen.
1 Godfather, The (1972)
2 Shawshank Redemption, The (1994)
3 Godfather: Part II, The(1974)
4 Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, The (2001)
5 Schindler's List (1993)
6 Citizen Kane (1941)
7 Casablanca (1942)
8 Seven Samurai (1954)
9 Star Wars (1977)
10 Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)
11 Memento (2000)
12 One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975)
13 Rear Window (1954)
14 Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, The (2002)
15 Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
16 Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
17 Usual Suspects, The (1995)
18 Amelie (2001)
19 Pulp Fiction (1994)
20 Psycho (1960)
21 North by Northwest
22 Silence of the Lambs, The (1991)
23 12 Angry Men (1957)
24 Lawrence of Arabia (1962)
25 It's a Wonderful Life (1946)
26 The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (1966)
27 Goodfellas (1990)
28 American Beauty (1999)
29 Vertigo (1958)
30 Pianist, The (2002)
31 Sunset Blvd. (1950)
32 Apocalypse Now (1979)
33 Some Like It Hot (1959)
34 Matrix, The (1999)
35 To Kill a Mockingbird (1962)
36 Taxi Driver (1976)
37 Third Man, The (1949)
38 Paths of Glory (1957)
39 Fight Club (1999)
40 Boot, Das (1981)
41 L.A. Confidential (1997)
42 Double Indemnity (1944)
43 Chinatown (1974)
44 Requiem for a Dream (2000)
45 Maltese Falcon, The (1941)
46 Singin' in the Rain (1952)
47 Bridge on the River Kwai, The (1957)
48 Sen to Chihiro no kamikakushi (2001)
49 Saving Private Ryan (1998)
50 All About Eve (1950)
51 M (1931)
52 Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
53 Raging Bull (1980)
54 Once Upon a Time in the West (1968)
55 Se7en (1995)
56 Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon (2000)
57 Wizard of Oz, The (1939)
58 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
59 Vita e bella, La (1997)
60 American History X (1998)
61 Sting, The (1973)
62 Touch of Evil(1958)
63 Manchurian Candidate, The (1962)
64 Alien (1979)
65 Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (1939)
66 Rashemon (1950)
67 Leon (1994)
68 Annie Hall (1977)
69 Great Escape, The (1963)
70 Clockwork Orange, A (1971)
71 Treasure of the Sierra Madre, The (1948)
72 Reservoir Dogs (1992)
73 Sixth Sense, The (1999)
74 Jaws (1975)
75 Amadeus (1984)
76 On the Waterfront (1954)
77 Ran (1985)
78 Braveheart (1995)
79 High Noon (1952)
80 Fargo (1996)
81 Blade Runner (1982)
82 Apartment, The (1960)
83 Aliens (1986)
84 Toy Story 2 (1999)
85 Strangers on a Train (1951)
86 Modern Times (1936)
87 Shining, The (1980)
88 Donnie Darko (2001)
89 Duck Soup (1933)
90 Princess Bride, The (1987)
91 Lola rennt (1998)
92 City Lights (1931)
93 General, The (1927)
94 Metropolis (1927)
95 Searchers, The (1956)
96 Full Metal Jacket (1987)
97 Notorious (1946)
98 Manhattan (1979)
99 Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969)
100 Graduate, The (1967)

---

Wow... there are A LOT of pop-culture movies I haven't seen.... I wonder if it's even worth watching them...

Dustbunnies

I've got another two monthes before I renew - and I'm debating on whether I want to. I've got no issues with downtimes - I figure they are part and parcel of the internet experience. It's something different - I don't feel as connected here anymore and I'm not sure why. I think that I might be withdrawing from my internet worlds and trying to live more fully in the real world and I'm really not quite sure how that's going to work.

I'm still losing weight - but I'm getting smaller faster than I'm losing weight which drives me crazy because the numbers and the results don't match up, but I'm totally not complaining. I also joined Curves! the fitness center dealie for women - and I REALLY like it. I think that I will be able to actually maintain an exercise program at this place.
While I was in Ge. I noticed how the women dressed. They dressed like they LIKED thier bodies and wore clothes to compliment who they were rather than just as something to conceal their bare skin. I've noticed a distinct difference here - people in general just seem to toss anything on - whether it compliments them or not. And what's up with the Mommy Outfit?? You know the one I'm talking about - jeans, a teeshirt, sneakers and shoulder length hair with bangs pulled back into a ponytail. Is there some rule that when you have kids you have to stop being anything resembling stylish? One of the main reasons that I want to lose weight is so that I can wear better clothes. I LOVE clothes - I just hated dressing my body. As I'm losing weight (and coming to a point of comfort with the fat girl I still am) I find that I've gotten A LOT more picky about my clothes and shoes. My outfits have to be - good. It takes me close to 45 minutes EVERY morning to get dressed - and the fact that 75% of my clothes no longer fit really RIGHT as they are a little too big certainly doesn't help. But - I LIKE what I wear everyday, no matter what. There have been somedays where I've nearly been in tears trying to figure out something to wear - and I'm supremely frustrated because I can't AFFORD to buy anything else.
Speaking of money - *sigh* I got paid today and I'm broke today and there isn't a damn thing I can do further to slim down my spending - besides getting a roommate (hurry home luv!!). And then I got a speeding ticket *sigh* for going 85 in a 65 on my way to Chicago, which I truly cannot afford. I finally broke down and called the IRS to arrange for a paymeny plan for my back-taxes, and....ya know, I don't even want to think about it. I can't DO anything about it because I REFUSE to get a second job again - though once I get close to goal weight I might try to find another retail clothing job so that I can rack up another complete wardrobe for less. For now though - I just have to mudle through the best I can.
I'm going to go and fill in my expense report now... *sigh* Maybe I'll score a little extra money from that. :)

Tertiary

So - the main players were: Myself. Paul. Erika. Phil. Luis. Allison. John. Sanjay. We allworked together, and for everyone excpet Paul (who lived there) it was our first time in Geneva. Paul worked at the site, and he was a wee bit of a party animal, so he took it upon himself to take us out and show us a GOOD time on the town.
We started as soon as we got off of work - around 7:00pm. Our first stop was to a lovely outdoor cafe - the drink of the night for the main players was rum & coke (diet coke for me!), and we started out with two or so drinks here. The cafe was in Old Town, so we were surrounded by old buildings, cobblestone streets, and lots of hills. After finishing the drink, we walked down the hill toa little bar/ resturant type place that sold tapas. We cohntinued to drink here - along with a WEE bit of food. After we ate, westayed there and took over a large section of the bar. Yet another thing that I thought was GREAT about Ge. - all the bars had real seating areas - with cushy chairs and couches that simply INVITED you to sit down and to get to know your neighbors - very nice. So - we sat there and ate and chatted until it was dark outside - which would have made it around 9:30pm or so. As we left this place, we walked by a stand that sold a lovely collection of postcards. I promptly snapped up several, figuring that I would not have to find anymore. Our next stop was barely a block away, and it was a basement bar. Once again, there was GREAT seating, and they had REALLY good music. The DJ was spinning mainly american R&B/HipHop tunes, and was mch better than any of the DJ's I've heard here (as in in Indy). We started getting into trouble at this point - when we opted to buy an entire BOTTLE of Bacardi instead of ordering it drink by drink. We finished off the bottle - that would be 1 bottle of rum divided by 8 people - and ALL of us had at LEAST 3 drinks before that. And oh MY - the bartenders do NOT pour light! We started feeling nice and light and loose, and we traisped off to yet another dancebar, but we lost two people - Allison and her husband John. They decided that they were a wee bit too old to keep up with us young lushes. We left them regretfully, and went to the next place - which was down a couple of hills and up a couple of hills and around the corner. It had to be around midnight at this point - maybe a little earlier. So - we get to the next bar and the FIRST thing we do is order yet ANOTHER bottle of Bacardi - now being divided amoung 5 people really as one of us (Erika) doesn't drink much (read at all, but we twisted her arm!) Luis, Paul (who at this point of enibriation was being called Pablo) and Phil all smoked - and me being the substance freak that I am, I HAD to taste one. Okay - why did noone ever tell me that cigs give you a FIERCE brain rush, or is it just me? ONE cigarette, and I felt like I had drank that entire bottle ON MY OWN. So - being wonderfully tipsy, and having ust watched Luis salsa with this cute Italian girl - I decided it was time to boogy my way onto the dance floor. OH. MY. GOD. I wanted to start singing Nelly - I've never been to a club that felt more like a HOT HOT basement party EVER. The fact that we actually WERE in the basement helped - but there felt like there were HUNDREDS of people down there. I danced myself damn near sober :(, and once I took a break, Pablo was ready to move on. We left, and we waited outside for Phil and Luis who were inside macking. I was hot, tired, and semi-sober, so I plopped my tail on the street. Erika, Sanjay & Pablo proceeded to give me the third degree about my dancing style (I get buckwild - I know I'm only dancing, and I let the men know that I'm ONLY DANCING - so what's the harm, eh?) We (being the loud Americans that we are) were being - loud. Apperently we were loud enough that the Swiss Police came to tell us to keep it down as it was 3am(!!!!) and we were surrounded by sleeping people. One of the interesting things about Ge. is that it's not really zoned. Bars are next to (or under) apartments and stores and schools. So - truly, we were in a MOSTLY residential neighborhood that happened to have a fabulous dance club in it. So - the boys finally came out - and we started heading to other bars, trying to find a stylish one that would let us in. Since we thought we were JUST going to bars - two of us had worn sneakers, and that caused a problem dress-code wise. We tried four different places, before one FINALLY had mercy on us and let us in. As we wandered around, I found a stall that was still open that sold PEACE flags. On of the first things I noticed in Ge. was that many of the apartment balconies had rainbow colored flags with either Paix, Peace or Pace on them. I found only ONE - with Pace on it, and promptly brought it. It had to be around 3:30/4am at this point - and MOST of us were still going strong. Luis and Sanjay were both getting worn out - and this last club had these BIG LONG Couches. Naturally - they BOTH went to sleep. In a club. Right NEXT to the dance floor. The poor things were EXHAUSTED. Those of us who were left standing then closed down the club (and half of yet ANOTHER bottle of Bacardi) - by the time we left, they had turned the lights on for us.
We left around 5am, and went to get something to eat. The very thought of food made my rum filled stomach do some very interesting flips, so I opted out. Pablo then suggested that we walked to the lake and wathc the sun rise - which was going to happen in another hour or so. On our way to the lake - poor Luis simply had enough and collapsed (read - passed out) onto the ground. We refused to just LEAVE him there, and when hand tugging and general noise didn't bring him off the ground, we took tougher measures. I straddled his waist and began to tickle him (he's VERY VERY ticklish) and Phil (who happens to be a good friend of the very straight Luis) sat on his FACE! *laughs* That popped him up - and we finished our walk to the lakeside. We sat, ate, chatted, tired to keep Luis awake (me and Pable were really the only ones still going strong) and 'watched' the sun rise. I say 'watched' because it was so dang cloudy, we never really SAW the sun rise, it just got lighter and so we KNEW it had risen. We finally gave up on seeing the sun really well and caught cabs back to the hotel. I walked back into my room at 6:53am. I had woken UP on Friday at 6:30am. I haven't been awake for 24 hours straight in YEARS, and I can never remember feeling quite so good at the end of the 'day'.
At some point during the night - all those lovely postcards vanished. *sigh* I'm going back (YAYYY!!!!) in July, and I will be SURE to get more and actually send them out.
The rest of the week was actually rather dull! We worked, went out to a great Thai place for dinner one night, and managed to close out the hotel bar EVERY night. Those of us who were leaving Friday morning tired to duplicate Firday night on Thursday, but since the Ge. people had to go to work the next day, we ended up back at the hotel at a very decent hour of 12:30am.
I had wisely packed Thursday afternoon before we went to dinner, so when I woke up a mere 15 minutes before the shuttle left for the airport to catch my plane, I was rather calm - tired as HELL - but calm.

I really can't wait to go back. Heh. I'm going to see if me & The Boy can duplicate a night like that here - I'm sure it's doable.

Secondary

I've never truly considered moving out of the US, but having stayed in Geneva for two weeks (though I must admit - had I been there for the G8 riots I MIGHT not be saying this) I could REALLY see myself moving to Switzerland. The city was GOREGOUS - imagine (if you can) NYC - but! spotlessly clean, no-one living under the poverty level, polite, and a disgusting low crime rate. Toss a lovely lake in the middle of the city and surround it by historail buildings, and voila! You've got a good idea of the general atmosphere of Ge.
The flights over were good - we tried to get an upgrade, but the dlight was overbooked, so we settled into coach. Luckily, both me and my coworker are short, so that didn't bother us too much - but the FOOD!! This is my first time taking a really long trip in any level other than first or business, and now I TRULY understand the comments I've always heard about airplane food. *gag*.
After getting settled in, the four of us who were on that flight met some of our other coworkers in the lobby and went out to dinner. Three of them became my hanging buddies - sadly enough I have to wonder if it was because we were the only young people of color there. Eh - there was Luis, Phil, Erika & me. We managed to close down the bat almost EVERY night that we were there - except the first Saturday night (we were busy doing other things) and in general had a really good time. *laugh* I think that I may have made some work/outside work accquaintences - I got the most EXCELLENT compliment of being referred to as a biatch the last night I was there, and that's REALLY saying a lot.
I truly enjoyed 8 out of the 9 days of work that I had there. I think I did more learning and gained a greater understanding of what the hell we are doing in those two weeks than I have in the past 2 YEARS. It's a shame that more people can't go to the AA's... they would learn so much. I like the Swiss work day as well - they come in between 8:30 and 9, take an hour lunch, and leave at 5 - like logical, normal people do when they work for a company that really respects the work/life balance. Our days tended to be longer than their's - we tried to be there by 8, and usually didn't leave until 6:30 - 7pm.
The evenings TOTALLY made up for the long days though. Ge. is about a spit over a hill away from France, and so the food is VERY french. However - the city is SO very cosmopolitian, I saw almost every ethinicity of food represented there was, and had some of the BEST Thai food ever the second week there.
As I was there, I realized something rather interesting - I'm a REALLY social person. I LIKE being out with people, talking, flirting, connecting & all that with new people. It's - FUN. But I still haven't figured out how to generate that same kind of energy without HAVING to be forced together....
The first week, while I wasn't taking notes or listening intensely, I was looking for things to do in the city. I kinew that I would be ableto take Wednesday 'off', and I figured that I should go out and see a little of the city on my own. I figured that I would be out WITH people for mostof the weekend, and I knew there were some places that I wanted to go that they might not have been interested in. I decided to got to the Plain Palais flea market, the Patak Phillpe museum and a Gallery of Contemporary Photography.
The day, I geared myself up, armed with dirctions, adresses, bus schedules, and a little Berlitz book on Switzerland I found in the Indy airport. I LOVE riding public transportation - and love it even more since I know how driving is! I was able to shameslessly gawk or simply withdraw into myself. It's a very nice abdication of responsibility. I made it to all three places - I'm such a touchy feely kinda girl! I was rubbing my hands over EVERYTHING in that flea market - I loved being able (and almost EXPECTED) to handle all the goods. It took me about 3 hours to get through the whole place, but all I left with was a small bag, two saris, 3 pearl bracelets, and a french-english dictionary. About 90% of the people I met spoke passable english - but I thought it would be a useful thing.
The Patek Phillpe museum was STUNNING. The top two floors of the museum were all historical watches - and MAN! If I could find watches like that NOW I would be overjoyed to have a collection. They were all (at least the small ones) more jewelry than watch. And the colors! Oh - the enamel glittered in blues and reds and greens and they wer eaccented by tiny delicate paintings and gold and diamonds. *sigh* SO beautiful. I rushed through the last floor - after seeing THOSE beauties, watch after watch on a plain band were rather dull.
The Gallery was cool - it was a VERY small one with a photographic library upsatirs. They only had two exhibits - one was a series of self portraits - one taken every day ofthe year. The other exhibit was a collection of images of shrines - the impromptu kind that pop up all over the US anywhere someone dies ina car accident or a shooting or something. Both of the exhibits really made me THINK about what I percieve to be art - I really enjoyed both of those exhibits, yet I know that if the idea had come to me to take either of those type of pictures - I would have immeadiately dismissed them as not being artistic enough. After looking at both of those, I went upstairs and browsed in the library - I was deeply regretful that I do not read french, otherwise I would have purchased several of the books there.
It was close to 7 by the time I left there, and I wanted to get back into the hotel in time to catch SOMEONE going out - after all of that time on my own, I was really looking forward to hanging out with people who understand my english. I can't even remember where we went - some resturant (I can only DEFINITELY remember where I went on the first Thursday and the second Wednesday) - and then we closed out the bar AGAIN. What is it about young people in a mixed group, iof you get enough time & alcohol in us we ALWAYS start talking about sex? I refuse to believe that it is just THAT much on our mind! Or maybe it's just ME! *laughs* I truly believe there are some things that you should NEVER know about people you have to work with. But - it was LOADS of fun.

Okay - I'm almost out of characters, and I neeed to go to bed - so I'm going to have to save the outrageous doings of the weekend (during which I lost all my postcards, and tickled a passed-out coworker) for tommorow's writing.

Initial

Wow.... it's been how long (close to a month) since I've written last? And by written, I mean a REAL entry.

For the high level overview: 3 normal planes rides to Geneva, 1 week in Geneva, 1 outrageous weekend in Geneva, my first cigarette, 1 more week in Geneva, 3 normal plane rides home, 1 weekend of grilling, 1 week of my 'real' job, 1 wedding worthy weekend, 1 mad spate of redecorating, 1 dress purchased, several fabulous days with the light of my life, 1 purchase of a membership, 1 wonderful thrift store trip, several more random barbequing episodes, the Witches Meeting, my first visit to an Irish Pub...and I THINK that's about it.

Now - we all know the devil is in the details. I'm working on a pictoral tour of my trip (including the COOLEST toilet I've EVER seen), but I'm dragging my feet about resizing the hundred odd pictures I have ONE by ONE so that I can put them on a webpage that loads before the next day. Until I finish that - I should write down the trip (though I doubt I'll ever forget it) shall insure that I don't miss too much. I took several travelouge style notes, and took some memory jolting pictures.

So - lets follow A'ishah, shall we?

Eep.

My entire favorites list is in bold. I didn't send a single postcard as I lost them during one of our drunken rambles through Geneva. And oddly enough - I'm REALLY excited about being back at work. Let's see how long this lasts....

Who wants a postcard from Switzerland???

Yup - I'm sending em out. I've only been here a day, and really - it's a LOVELY place. And, it looks like I will have a couple of chances to get out on my own, so I'm excited.

Email your snail mail addys to me at greengoddess@jazzyblue.net, and I'll send em out.


Au Revoir!

Departing

I don't get nervous/excited/anxious until the day of. It's almost standard procedure for me - no matter how long (or short) I have until a major event I don't really FEEL anything until the day of. I might mentally worry or fret, but the physical/emotional is totally calm. It's rather nice...

I could barely stay in bed long enough to write my morning pages today - I was intensely eager to get going. First I took the cats to the kennel - and I can't BEGIN to tell you how guilty I felt as I left them. I don't know why - but oh I felt (feel) so bad about having to leave them in a kennel. From this, I have just confirmed that it will break my heart to have to leave my kids in daycare.
After that - I ran some last errands, picked up my shoes, and got some batteries. GOt home at noon, and cooked, ate and cleaned. I'm done packing, and I just have to sit on my hands and wait until 2 when I'm going to call the cab.

My only worry is that it has been SERIOUSLY storming - tornado watches and all, and I'm hoping that they will clear out before 5 - and that they are not going west. Cuz if I have to rearrange my flight, I'm going to get a verrrah bad feeling about this trip. Eh.

Is it sad that I have an entire bag that is soley for my shoes and pocketbooks? I think I would be more traumatized if THAT bag got lost than if my clothes got lost. I hate buying shoes - I have wide flat feet, and it's rare to find a pair of CUTE shoes that fit and are comfortable. So each pair of shoes I own (and it's only like 12 pairs) is VERY valuable to me, as they are each treasures. The clothes are easy to replace.

I have to get my pilates tape back from my coworker when I get back - I'm getting back to that point I was at in HIGH SCHOOL where the everything on me is proportionate to a size but my belly. In other words - if my belly was a wee bit smaller, I'd be like a perfect 16. I lose weight from my tummy last and I don't know if I will EVER have a flat tummy since I've had a round tummy since birth, no matter how skinny the rest of me was. So - I'm going to have to start doing some intense belly toning to offset the extra fat that is there.

I've also noticed something changing about myself - I'm no longer ashamed of my body. Like if I wear something that touches my belly occasioanlly - I don't really feel the need to hunch over, or suck in, or conceal it - i just accept it. It's part of my body, and there's really nothing wrong with that. It's not like I'm talking about flashing my cellulite - but just coming to terms with the shape I'm in and not feeling like I should conceal myself from others for the sole reason that I'm bigger than most of them. I think I'm actually becoming COMFORTABLE with who I am. It's sad that I had to lose weight for this to happen... but still.

1:14....

Freak

Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...
Category	Your Score	Average
Self-Lovin'	50% Explored the pleasures of the flesh	61.2%
Shamelessness	52.4% It takes a couple of drinks	76.7%
Sex Drive	44.7% I got needs, baby, you gotta unnastan'!	74.8%
Straightness	3.6% Knows the other body type like a map	40%
Gayness	14.3% Makes Dr. Frank-n-Furter look tame	79.3%
Fucking Sick	69% Dipped into depravity	87.8%
You are 41.43% pure Average Score: 69.3%
Take The Ultimate Purity Test and see how you match up!

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What can I say? :)