Knees Together!!

Okay, that article was a lot longer than I thought it was, but I had to grab it and tuck it in here so that I would have a place to come back to it and talk about it. Bits and pieces of the article have been going through my head since I first read it, and there are some things I wanted to touch on.

I have tried this celibacy thing before, in fact right after I broke up with Tasha I had said that I wanted to stay celibate for at least three months. Less than three weeks later, not only was I fucking J.E.H., but I was pregnant. *sighs* What shook me out of that particular spate of celibacy? Mainly because I had no reason for it... it was just something that I was like “Hey….that sounds like fun, I’ll try it” And then J.E.H was in the picture, who was such a hot spot pusher on me, and then of course, the fact that I was trying to be celibate he took as a personal challenge. *sighs* Before that? Nah… I don’t think that I have ever tried it before then, at least not consciously. When I was a virgin, I was never too concerned with staying that way.

Ugh…..I feel like I am talking about this too much, but it is rather important to me. It’s rather scary actually, trying to figure out how me, Hot Pants Harriet, is going to adjust to a life with men & women, that does not include sex. All I know right now is that I’m changing.

Any how….on to the points in the article that I wanted to touch on. The first one is the comment she made about becoming so much more aware of my own biorythms. I notice much clearer how my sexual desire raises and wanes depending on the time of the month. I notice so much more what pleases me, what doesn’t. I get pleasure from just being myself. *smiles* Now *shrugs* I don’t know…I feel like I am becoming more myself.

Stay Jazzed.

Celibacy

A Woman's Sexual Abstinence and Celibacy
By Elizabeth Davis

The woman who decides, for whatever reason, that she wishes to abstain from sex has been looked upon by our society as something of a anomaly. Sexual activity so deeply pervades our cultural definition of happiness and fulfillment that a woman going without is automatically presumed to be deprived and longing. As will be shown in the following pages, nothing could be further from the truth, at least when abstinence is a choice.

In fact, more and more women are deciding to take time off from sexual activity when preoccupied with personal issues and problems. Social autonomy has set the stage for women's emotional self-determination. The cultural constraints of the 1950s that defined sex for women as either taboo or obligatory no longer hold sway. Women may be categorically portrayed in the media as sex objects, but they are increasingly shown to have sexual identities and lives of their own. That a woman would, under circumstances of stress or emotional strain, decide it best to keep her vital energies to herself is certainly understandable.

To illustrate, here is a story of my own experience some years ago. My husband and I were going through a particularly difficult time in our relationship; we were not yet married (a bone of contention between us) and were working out negative consequences of an affair he had had some time earlier. That these issues were disrupting our sex life was quite natural, to my thinking, although I won't deny I was concerned. Our therapist, who had additional training in sex therapy, showed us a tape one day of a couple engaged in foreplay according to specific recommendations and step-by-step instructions. This experience both mortified and frustrated me, and I told her outright, "I don't need this, I don't think we have any problems with technique. My problem is with my feelings, my pain and vulnerability, the trust issue. I think if we work on these, I'll want to have sex again." This is not to minimize sex therapy for those with unusual aversions or physical difficulties, but for the vast majority of women, sexual dysfunction is emotionally based, and nothing more. We don't need another survey to tell us that a woman cannot be loving, open, and orgasmic if she feels her partner is treating her poorly or unfairly, let alone if she can't do right by herself.

What is it like to take a sexual time-out? It depends on the situation, but most women report a typical progression from loneliness to self-confidence and clarity. Brenda, a single, career-oriented woman in her thirties, tells how a series of relationships frightened her into abstinence that then became voluntary for a period of seven months.

I had an outrageous affair with a fellow who turned out to be royalty, a Scottish lord in fact. It was a whirlwind romance -- in a matter of weeks he proposed marriage. On the one hand, I knew I'd be "taken care of" for life, and all my friends were telling me to go for it. But this is a pattern that keeps reoccurring in my life -- guys go crazy for me, and the situation becomes overwhelming. Maybe I have something to do with it -- after all, I let it happen, to a point. Then I feel this pressure of being swept away, and I notice that it happens more when I'm unsettled or stressed at work.
So, I said no to this guy with much relief, and then the same thing happened with a man who turned out to be married -- there were signs and signals that I never followed up until it was way too late. After this I pulled back completely from men and sex.
Being celibate for all these months has given me some important things. One is protection -- I can feel vulnerable with myself and not be at risk. Another is a very clear picture of what I want in relationship: marriage to the right man. Eventually, because now I'm content to wait.

Other comments from women in similar circumstances: "I'm pleased and proud to be nurturing me"; "I see the seeds of myself beginning to grow"; "I have inner conviction now -- I'm my own person." It would seem, in a way, that voluntary abstinence is something of a right of passage for women today, particularly in reaction to tremendously eased sexual mores.

Yet another factor in the upsurge of celibacy may be women's desire to reconnect with the monthly cycle, particularly the menstrual phase. In examining menstrual taboos, it is unclear whether these were culturally imposed by men or formulated by women themselves. Nevertheless, ritual isolation while menstruating gives women the opportunity to be celibate for a few days, to disentangle themselves from routine obligations, and to reflect on personal issues in the company of others doing the same. Perhaps we all need such a respite, a chance to have body and soul to ourselves periodically without guilt or anxiety. Without this, we may manifest patterns of self-denial and subservience.

Let us examine this premise by way of example, taking first that of Lynda, who explains:
I grew up in a household where mom's main task was taking care of everyone else's business. I loved her for it, hated her for it, learned to depend on her and not myself. Even though we fought bitterly when I was in my teens, I found myself continually dependent and wanting to please her before myself, even as an adult. Three marriages and three children later, I still don't know all that much about me. My sexuality has been restrained, I think, confined to what's expected. I've been abstinent for three months now, and it's been a good way for me to sort things out and get to the heart of who I am. To tell you the truth, I feel like a child now, discovering broken threads from the past and reweaving them. Right now, I don't want anyone else but me.

This points to a primary need of women throughout time, that of self-containment. Women and Madness, by Phyllis Chesler, explores the consequence of diffusing the self for the ease and pleasure of others until complete disintegration of personality threatens to occur. When a woman rallies from this position it is usually with passion and fury; a passion that requires no other partner than herself.

Sometimes sexual excess leads to celibacy. This too is a classic theme, and women are not exempt. Here is what Alena has to say:
I was rather repressed when I was young, living in a house that was immaculately clean and bound by strict rules of behavior. There was love, but there was also fear; my mom was afraid of herself, I guess. I took the road less traveled (at least in my family) and dropped out of school. I met wild and wonderful people, and found I could make good money selling sexual favors. Not prostitution exactly, but intimate massages, blow jobs, that kind of thing. I was choosy, though, and never a slave to anyone. For a while I felt free, for the first time in my life. Then good friends turned bad, a few died of drug overdoses, and I turned to religion. I needed to purify myself, and I didn't have sex with anyone for three years.

As we enter our second decade of confronting HIV and AIDS, stories like this become increasingly rare. Nevertheless, sexual addiction and overindulgence remain major pathways to celibacy for a number of women.

More commonly, women complain of feeling prostituted in seemingly conventional relationships. Often this comes from repressing the pain of unmet needs, or of being ignored or belittled. The result is that sex becomes quite sporadic: a few encounters over a period of a day or two (perhaps after an argument) and then weeks with no contact. Recent research has shown that sporadic sexual activity is more likely to cause menstrual irregularity and subfertility than is celibacy. (Orgasm via masturbation does not seem to compensate.) Either regular sex, or none at all, tends to maintain normal hormonal levels and rhythms.1

Nothing disrupts sexual closeness like infidelity. Trust is so basic to a healthy relationship that once it is violated, intimacy may be nearly impossible to regain without a break or time alone to heal. Again, a classic account from Harriet:
My husband was unfaithful from day one, but it took me years to acknowledge it. Once I did, I went crazy with jealousy and fear. I started having anxiety attacks, even in public places. I'd just be going along fine, when suddenly I'd feel breathless, lightheaded; my heart would be racing and I'd have to sit down. I ended my marriage, but the same thing happened with the next guy. I finally realized that sex had become so full of fear and pain for me that I would probably keep losing again and again, unless I broke the cycle on my own. So I quit looking for validation from men, for breathtaking romance, and got down to being by myself. Some days I felt so alone that panic and anxiety nearly got me, but eventually, I could catch these feelings right away and set myself free. I discovered the things that nourished me and made me feel complete, instead of trying to fit other people's notions of what I should be.

Pain and heartbreak aside, it is time for women to recognize that the sexes definitely differ in erotic temperament. According to research presented in Brain Sex, there is overwhelming evidence that men are by nature polygamous and tend to focus on sex for its own sake.2 This does not preclude romance or even monogamous commitment, but a woman needs to know what she is up against. In any case, happiness comes not from seeking some idealized version of masculinity. Accepting men for what they are is the first step toward strengthening our own position. Relationships involve conflict because male and female desires appear to be at odds, but they can also be viewed as complementary. Each sex has certain basic needs that are fairly consistent; John Gray has illuminated this quite well.

For example, women need to feel cared for and loved in order to be able to trust their partners. Men, on the other hand, need to be trusted in order to give; a man without a woman's trust loses his momentum, his vitality. Naturally, men will fail to care for women as women would like, and women will find reason to lose trust in men, but that doesn't change the basic needs of each. The more realistic we are about differences between the sexes, and the more we accept our own traits and tendencies, the better we will be at weathering the ups and downs in relationships, the inevitable challenges and disappointments.

When a woman chooses sexual abstinence, she has the opportunity to own both her masculine and feminine aspects and bring them to terms with one another. For example, she can look at how much love and nourishment she gives to herself, and, if minimal, at the resulting lack of trust and vulnerability she feels with others. This will not change her basic needs once she is in a relationship: no matter how well she has learned to care for herself, she will still be vulnerable to a lack of caring from her partner. However, she may be better equipped to deal with breakdowns in communication and estrangement when they occur and go on caring for herself regardless.

How positive or constructive a period of abstinence is for a woman largely depends on how deliberate it is. When abstinence is by choice, negative side effects such as depression, lack of motivation, and disinterest in personal hygiene may not occur. Note that just as it may benefit a woman to be free of overconcern for her appearance, her self-esteem may be negatively affected if she doesn't keep herself up. More than occasional depression demands attention, and perhaps assistance. Counseling can help, as can time spent regularly with other women in group process or circle. Starting a woman's circle is not all that difficult; you can make your time together whatever you want, perhaps with ritual and planned discussion of topics such as money, sexuality, jealously, or whatever feels relevant from meeting to meeting.

Another possibility is to choose a book on women's issues or ritual celebrations and work through it together. In my experience, great revelations can occur in these situations without any professional assistance. One reason that women do not find much cultural support for sexual abstinence is that men find sex a prerequisite for emotional release, a precursor to love. Women, on the other hand, are more readily able to love themselves and others without sexual demonstration. When women choose celibacy, they threaten male needs, male control; we see this reflected in our language by terminology that is far from flattering, such as old maid, spinster, and prude.

In the days of witch burnings, it is notable that the vast majority of victims were single women of advanced age, so unacceptable was it for women to refuse to be vessels for male satisfaction and procreation. Some women worry about needing sexual contact to remain physically youthful and attractive. Certainly masturbation can serve to relieve tension, stimulate pelvic circulation, provide pleasure and the benefits of oxytocin. And there are innumerable ways to find physical satisfaction and emotional and spiritual release that have little to do with sex. Some women just don't want sex, whatever the reason, and that's all there is to it. Ultimately, women are more autonomous than men in this regard because they are better able to incorporate the erotic in all aspects of life.

What, if any, are the physical effects of long-term abstinence? With so many motivating factors, it is difficult to generalize. Some women do notice symptoms of pelvic tension such as chronic backache, increased premenstrual tension, or menstrual difficulties, but just as many report cessation of the above, particularly when abstinent after ending a miserable relationship. Occasionally, women report losing touch with the monthly cycle, becoming less aware of fertile and premenstrual signals. If fertility awareness was used contraceptively, this is certainly understandable. But perhaps these women are merely revising emotional and spiritual aspects of cycling to suit their newfound autonomy; most state that abstinency clears the way for more honest acknowledgment of feelings.

Many women notice increased awareness of diet and health when on their own. Without the distraction of another's needs, they are better able to see the results of their own eating and lifestyle habits, and to experiment with what makes them feel best. Particularly if a woman has been living with someone and cooking and eating more to suit his or her wishes than her own, she may find this aspect of being alone most illuminating and beneficial.

Women often say that the less sex they have, the less they think about it. Sometimes the longing for contact is strong, but usually it is more a desire for intimacy than sex itself (unless a woman is peak-fertile or premenstrual). Being celibate is less about not having sex than it is about being alone, dealing with one's own body, psyche, and soul. The periodic desire for intimacy is part of the deal and should be seen as a personal manifestation of need rather than the result of having someone attractive around.

Other reasons why a woman might choose to avoid having sex temporarily have little to do with relationship. For example, a woman friend of mine recently shared plans for a year-long trip around the world and her decision to forego sexual involvement until she left. No dates, no serious flirting, just packing and settling affairs. Similar indications might be plans to move house, change career, or focus on a creative project. As a spiritual discipline, celibacy has long been reputed to enhance one's concentration if undertaken with clear and serious resolve: something all women should think about and keep open as an option.

And what if a woman elects to take this option in spite of the fact that she is married or in intimate partnership? We read and hear much about differences in sexual desire between partners and, at last, the periodic desire for abstinence is coming out of the closest. National surveys on the frequency of sex deal in averages only. One must figure in the less-than-desired episodes and unsatisfactory contacts, as well as the flurry of sexual activity common in the initial stages of a relationship when major challenges to intimacy have yet to be faced. I can think of no long-term study that reflects the phases of closeness and separation in enduring relationships.

How does a couple get by when one wants sex and the other does not? Ideally they discuss the matter and set themselves limits. If emotional issues arise or become acute, they may decide they need outside help. Marriages in distress are frequently challenged to redefine sex from an obligatory or perfunctory activity to one of free will. Periods of abstinence may be crucial to sorting out individual needs and concerns. If either partner has been unfaithful, physically abusive, or psychologically brutal to the other, so much more case. After all, what possible tenderness, joy, or security could come from sexual contact under such tenuous circumstances?

Personal trauma of any kind is likely to interfere with a couple's sex life, particularly the loss of a loved one. The death of a child, a parent, or a dear friend or relative may cause either a desperate need for contact or complete disinterest. If only one partner is affected, the other may provide stable ground. But if both are devastated, as by the loss of a child, getting into the emotional intensity of sex may be just too much to handle. Rhythms of processing grief may also be at odds so that when one partner is raw and vulnerable, the other is shut down and unable to feel much of anything.

Here is Amanda's story of what happened to her after the death of her son at eight weeks from crib death, or SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome):
I don't think there is anything more horribly painful on earth than losing a child, at least, I hope there's not, because I don't think I could endure it. Jerry and I had many sad and upsetting experiences trying to make love after Jason's death, but this one time was so amazing I must share it with you. We were fucking and crying, really, fucking and crying, when we felt something descend on us, a great break in the tension, a feeling of warmth and healing. It was so wonderful, I can't tell you -- a perfect state of grace. Sex aside, orgasms aside, in that moment, time stood still and we felt whole again. After this, we stopped doubting and blaming ourselves so much. The guilt began to lift, and we began to live life again.

Reestablishing intimacy after any kind of intensely painful experience or shock is a difficult process; this couple was lucky to find common ground. Time heals, more than anything else. Realigning oneself after deep trauma is hardly a simple matter; layer upon layer must be permeated with new hope, definition, and resolve. For a time, we strongly encouraged people to express their grief profoundly and immediately; we now see that mourning and grieving are in fact cyclic processes and may take years and years to complete. The same is true, by the way, for anyone recovering from experiences of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.

Tina relates: "Pat and I had known each other for about a year, while she was still living with her previous partner. Then she and I became intimate, and she decided to leave Sue. She felt great guilt about this decision, along with new sadness and confusion regarding patterns of passivity from childhood abuse. Just as she became free to be with me, she decided she couldn't be sexual for a while. That was okay; I understood." Coping with the effects of debilitating illness, handicap, or mutilating surgery such as mastectomy or hysterectomy may also call for a sexual time off.

Sometimes the desire for abstinence becomes permanent, as in Joan's case:
I'm 69 now, and my husband died six years ago. A couple of years after his death, friends tried to set me up with men, and at first I was curious, interested. But each time it was so obviously wrong that all I felt was revulsion. I'd think to myself, "I have to get in bed with that?" I had such a wonderful marriage, and now I have my children and grandchildren. I've got used to being alone, and honestly, I like it.

At the other end of spectrum we have the plain, old-fashioned desire to wait for the right relationship. More and more women are choosing to remain virgins late into their teens or throughout their early twenties, no longer feeling so intense a pressure to prove their sexual liberation. This has much to do with living in the shadow of AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases.

Thus, for the first time in modern history, women are discovering the freedom to choose from a spectrum of sexual options. And now that sex by coercion is being defined as abuse, women have an opportunity to explore themselves as sexual beings in nonsexual phases. The ultimate dictum of sexual therapy -- "Don't worry about pleasing your partner, start by pleasing yourself" -- may soon be realized by women on a mass scale. In the process, women will see that their sexual energy is vital to their own well-being and instrumental to creativity, health, and happiness, whether shared with another or not. Indeed, it will seem increasingly natural and acceptable that a woman (or man) should have phases when sexual interaction is either inappropriate, undesirable, or low on the list of priorities, and that there will be times when sexual energy is channeled into highly personal pursuits.

Dance Like Nobody's Watching

I finally found the essay that saying comes from. :) I think it has alot of relevance to my life... *sighs* EVERYTHING seems to have alot of relevance to my life suddenly.

Dance Like No One Is Watching
We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire. The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when?

Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. One of my favorite quotes comes from Alfred D Souza. He said, "For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawn on me that these obstacles were my life."

This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have. And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with...and remember that time waits for no one...

So stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until you are off welfare, until the first or fifteenth, until your song comes on, until you've had a drink, until you've sobered up, until you die - - to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy..

Happiness is a journey, not a destination. Thought for the day: Work like you don't need money, love like you've never been hurt, and dance like no one's watching. Get busy living or get busy dying.

Stay Jazzed

Thou Art...(Theme Entry)

*claps* oh my…maybe the OD Staff will be able to keep up the every Friday thing for a while… I like this theme, so I will run with it.

What is my strongest belief?
Hmm… interesting. I am guessing that most people will talk about god, because when someone asks what you believe in, that can often be the first response. Automatically and swiftly, they will respond with a semi-sermon about the strength of their belief in god. Hm. I am gonna go there, because I don’t really believe in god, and that LACK of belief leads to my strongest belief.

I don’t believe in a god who looks down upon his creations and moves them about like chess pieces. I don’t believe in a god who hears & answers the multitude of simplistic and selfish prayers of her creations. I don’t believe in a god that is separate from who I am. I believe in myself. I believe that I can do anything that I put my mind to (within reason) as long as I trust myself. I believe that my creator made me strong enough to deal with and live through anything that I encounter, and only if I have tried my damnedest and done my best will my ‘god’ even consider helping out. I believe in a god that believes in me, and insists that I grow into the fullness of who I am, without leaning on those everlasting arms.

Why do I believe in such a ‘hands-off’ god? Maybe it’s because I haven’t had enough ‘miracles’ in my life. Everything that I have gotten, I have worked for & towards, even if I didn’t realize it at the time. I have never been one to sit on my rear and bitch (or pray) when I couldn’t get my hands on what I wanted. I have tended to be one who has always reached towards what I wanted, and if I ever chose not to reach, I blamed my lack of getting what I wanted on myself, rather than on fate, or the gods, or even my destiny. I considered the role of god while I was going through my pregnancy, and how abortion figured into that role. And that was the only time where I have said, ‘Well, if god doesn’t want me to do this, I won’t be able to’. While I believe in a god that lets me find my own path and create my own preordained life, I believe in a force that will not be stopped, and will not be ignored and whose power cannot be imagined.

Sounds contradictory? It is…and it is not. So perhaps…my strongest belief is in god…and in myself. My strongest belief is in the goddess that is within me. In the portion of that force that will not be stopped and cannot be ignored that exists within me. I believe in the portion of that unimaginable power that the Creator has, that she placed within me at the moment of my birth. And leaning on that belief, I can do anything.

Hm. I know that the idea of my god has been shaped by books, mainly science fiction & fantasy. The image that I have of my god is similar to that of The Star-Eyed One, from Mecerdes Lackey’s OathBound series and others dealing with the Shi’anin and the Hawkbrothers. The Star-Eyed one is a fierce yet loving goddess, who expects her children to do all that they can to make it before they call on her. A quote that I remember reading the solidified this concept of her being ‘my’ kind of goddess is this:

“Once a hunter called upon the Star-Eyed one, asking for her help because he had lost his skill in hunting, having relied upon his luck rather than on his skill for too long. She looked at him and said ‘You are still alive, aren’t you?’, meaning that he had not yet done enough to warrant her help.”

It sounds cold, and perhaps not as loving a goddess as most people would imagine, but I have to respect a goddess who depends all from her children, and when they have given that, she in turns gives her all.
Hm. I guess I am a pagan after all. *laughs*

Stay Jazzed.

Body Matters (Part 2)

I got this in an email today…. it fits what I was talking about earlier sooooo perfectly. And it fits me too…


Understanding My Beauty
I see you looking at me with that look of admiration and confusion I have come to know so well.
I see you struggling to figure out what it is about me that won't allow you to look away.
I see you trying to pin point the physical trait that is drawing you so strongly to me.
I see you comparing me to the type of women who USUALLY grab your attention.
I see you noticing that you aren't the only man noticing.
I see you getting frustrated because you can't figure out why you think I'm so beautiful.

Well Baby, Let me help you out...
It's not my face, you've seen much prettier I'm sure.
It's not my make-up, I don't wear enough to really make a difference.
It's not my hair, it's nice but plain.
It's not my clothes, lots of other women dress nicely.
It's not my body, I don't have the kind of measurements to be considered "superfine".
It's not my smile, it's warm and welcoming but not unique enough to stand out.

You see,
It's my confidence, the way I don't seem to care whether you look or not.
It's my humbleness, the way I acknowledge my flaws rather than disguise them.
It's my honesty, the way you automatically feel it's okay to trust what I say.
It's my tactfulness, the way you never have to worry about your feelings being hurt.
It's my submissiveness, the way I quietly allow you to take charge and be a man.
It's my aggressiveness, the way I go after the things I want in life.
It's my intelligence, the way I think deeply and articulate clearly.
It's my naivete, the way I am willing to let you teach me the things I don't know.
It's my integrity, the way I show you that I will always do the right thing and the way I expect you to do the same.
It's my naughtiness, the way I am willing to let go of my inhibitions sometimes.
It's my sense of humor, the way I bring out the "silliness" in you and the way I make you laugh.
It's my thoughtfulness, the way I comfort you when you are hurt, encourage you when you are strong, help you when you are weak and motivate you to do things you never thought possible.
It's my loyalty, that special way I make you feel like you are the only man alive when I am with you.
It's my independence, the way I have my own place, my own ride, and I pay my own bills.
The way I don't ask YOU to do the things I should do for myself.
It's the way I have a life of my own so that I don't feel the need to "sweat" you when you are doing things that don't involve me.
Yes, I'm beautiful.
I have the kind of beauty that does not fade with age or change with trends.
I see you looking, trying desperately to figure out why YOU are so attracted to me.
Allow me to let you in on the secret to understanding MY beauty.
Look at me with your heart first.
Then, look at me with your eyes.
Now, Ain't I the finest woman you've ever seen?
And, Don't you FINALLY understand why?

Bitterness & Rage

My supervisor has a sister that is five years younger than her,is not HER mothers child, and her father and mother had been married since before she was born. Perhaps you can see how this might cause issues? MySup’s sister has not really spoken to her father for close to 23 years, and MySup can’t understand why her sister is so bitter towards her father.

*humph* I can understand, and I am not sure if I can even explain it.
I’m not sure if I even want to touch on this, AGAIN, but I have to. It’s a oddly festering wound, a sore spot of anger and jealously that flares up at the oddest time. I don’t even know if I CAN talk about it. Ugh. I guess the main thing is jealousy, and mercy knows I will most likely never be able to be close to my little sister because of it. Everytime she talks about her father, it would be a stab in my heart because he wasn’t there for me.

*snorts* Yeah, it’s jealousy. Plain & simple. I am angry because I never had the chance to be a daddy’s girl. I am angry because I don’t know half of my family. I am bitter because I will never be able to. Stupid little things throw me off. Family reunions, sitcoms, pictures, diary entries, conversations over heard on the bus. *sighs* And really I am starting to get sick of it. Who is he to have such an emotional hold over me? Ugh. I am just…overly underwhelmed by this.

This poem I wrote as part of a choreopoemplay that I wrote a while ago. *sighs* Just a sample of my bitterness towards my brothas….

?
who the fuck are you??
Telling me what to do?

Do you know who i be?
I am the daughter of my mother
(helped by the sperm of some vanished man)
who the fuck are you?
Trying to run my life...
shit, from what I've seen men
cause nothing but strife

Who the fuck are you?
Trying to protect or shield me
I'm a BLACK woman stronger than anyman through history
Who the fuck are you??
Umph. You say you are the man for me
but what man do i need? I need a man that lets me be free
Who are you??
And why do u want me
Who you
and what can you do for me
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU??
Cuz even a fool can see you ain't half the man (and I'm a fucking woman) that this young strong black woman can be.

Stay Jazzed

And futhermore....

I was rereading my book of poetry that I put together almost 5 years ago (mercy, how time flies) that consisted mainly of things I had written during the time I was in high school. So, basically this stuff is close to 8 years old. As I was going through it, I realized that I have a remarkably twisted view of the whole male/female relationship thing. Even before I was ever in a relationship, I had some rather, shall we say, DIM expectations of what I could expect. While pondering why this was, I realized that I couldn’t think of a single male/female relationship that I would want to emulate. I don’t know of one couple (except for MAYBE my supervisor and her husband, and I don’t know them all that well) that I would want my life to be like. In fact, *thinks* out of all of my close friends, I only know of two parent couples that are still together…and we won’t discuss the amount of joy that may or may not exist in those marriages.

My mother and my stepfather had a…interesting relationship. Most of my out & out stubbornness and utter refusal to compromise comes from me watching my mother give up almost everything that she wanted, because she was in love. And what (in the long run) did she get out of it? Nothing but experience. When I am her age, I want there to be a hell of a lot more left behind from the ruins or successes of any long-term relationship that I have been in than JUST experience. Hell, I can get that being on my own.

Let’s see….what else exciting/of interest is going on in the head of Jazzy? cuz mercy KNOW nothing is going on in my life.

Okay, brief segue here – I hate liars. I hate liars with a passion, especially when they are dumb, stupid and easily confirmed lies. If I call someplace, and ask to be connected to someone, and you tell me the person is out of the office…okay.. that is cool if you are that person’s admin assistant and are able to screen all of their calls. But please, don’t let me be able to call the switchboard and get directly connected to the person…and they are IN their office. Ohhh.. I hate dumb liars, mainly because they are assuming that I am DUMB enough to fall for that shit. *growls and grumbles*

Okay…back to the contents of my head. Right now it has started madly gibbering about money. *sighs* I can’t wait to be in a spot where I don’t have to worry about money any more. Change and Edit: I can’t wait to be in a point where I don’t have to worry about money to cover my bills anymore. That is really all I ask. Either to not have any bills (which is outlandish and seriously doubtful) or to have enough money to cover the bills that I have.

*sighs* Matters of the heart? hmm… in a slowly creeping towards stability point right now. I had to take a break from Chris, because I could feel myself getting pulled back into a situation where I didn’t need, or really want to be at this point in time. So I am taking a month long black-out. No phone calls, no emails, no AIM chats. It’s rather odd, but freeing at the same time. Once I get to a point where I don’t NEED him in my life, I will be able to build up our friendship purely on the basis of wanting him in my life. Besides, this allows me to keep my mouth shut about him going back to school, because mercy knows I am good at poking my nose in where it doesn’t belong.

I was reading on-line (where else?) about the rising number of women who are becoming celibate of their own free will. The reasons that the women who were interviewed in this article ranged from ‘wanting to find themselves sexually’ to ‘sick of sex’. *laughs* I have been thinking about what my reasons are, and whether they are…not ‘good’ reasons, but worthy ones. The main reason is quite simply, I’m scared. I don’t feel like the risk of getting pregnant (again) or getting anything else for that matter, is worth the pleasure. Another reason is that, I am tired of being looked upon as a mostly sexual being in my relationships…but then that may be the fault of the type of relationship that I was building. I want to be able to be secure in the emotional & mental intimacy of the relationship, before I start tossing physical/sexual intimacy up in the mix.

Then there is my own personal issue of wanting to get back in touch with the sensual virgin I used to be. *smiles* Being able to be a sexual creature, but not necessarily having sex. There is a great power & peace in being virgin, a reserve of something that radiates. *sighs* I know that the physical part of being a virgin can never be regained…well, actually, that could be debatable now-a-days, but what I really want it the emotional and mental attitude. I think it will be interesting for me to be a purely sensual being again, and yeah, it will be a test of anyone who I am in a relationship with. And a test of me.

Stay Jazzed.

Dragging Feet

This is the poem I wrote about waiting...



waiting is hard for me
I have always waited
waited for equality
with my brothers/sisters
waited for respect
in my world
waited for pride
in myself
I have always waited
quietly , thinking/knowing
that change would came
but as I waited others too
waited
so no change came
nor would she come
drifting down from
some waiting place
change had to be called
summoned, ordered
to come
So I now demand
equality with all
respect from all
and pride for myself
it is hard for me to demand
but I'm demanding because
waiting only wastes time.

Bathroom Confessions

I have learned over the years that the most comfortable place for upsetting news, confessions, and stories for me is the bathroom. Why? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s the whole small enclosed area thing, or maybe it’s the cool, calming tile colors that most bathrooms have. I don’t know…all I know is that looking over my life, most of the most upsetting emotional situations I have been in have been held in bathrooms.
When I told my best female friend that I was bisexual (as I woman I was afraid she would flip out a little more than my male friends would) I was curled up in her bathtub.
When I told my mother I was pregnant, I was on the phone, sitting in the middle of my bathroom floor.
When I found out that I had flunked out of Tech, I locked myself in the dorm bathroom for almost four hours and just stared at the wall.

Every since I was little I have always loved small spaces. I was a tent child, give me a sheet and a few chairs, and I would create a tiny little corner somewhere that I could curl up in with a book and a snack. Everything was quiet and perfect in my tents. For the longest I have been working on convincing myself that a whole house done in Late Bedouin tent style will just not work, but there is this little corner of me that wants a gently draped and sheltered corner that I can crawl to when life gets a little too rough. Lately, my bed has been the substitute for the tent. *shrugs* I guess pulling the sheets over your head kinda qualifies for the tent thing huh?

I have never been good at waiting. I once wrote an entire poem about just how BAD I am at waiting. Therefore this whole moving thing is about to drive me to distraction. If I KNEW when I was leaving, it would be okay…but I can’t even buy my airline ticket because I don’t know when the moving company is going to get here. And I won’t know until the 9th or 10th of August. AUGUST!!!! That will give me...oh about a week (or less) to finally put everything into gear. *groans* And then my job is really starting to get on my nerves. If I had something to do n a daily basis, it would be cool. I would run around and do my busy little bee imitation and I would be fine. But not having anything to do but either mess around online or sit alllllll up in my supervisors face and watch her put together a database is driving me CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!! If I didn’t need the money like a fish needs water I would be staying home every single day. *sighs* anything else?

I have a small…dilemma I guess you could call it. A friend of mine offered to pay for me getting my hair done as a graduation gift. I want to get my hair braided, and it will cost around 260.00. Yes, I said two hundred and sixty dollars. Now, full time job or no, I really don’t expect him to be able to fork all that over at once. However, that isn’t even really the problem…my problem is how do I come out and say… HEY! I’m ready to cash in on that gift.. can I have the money please? And oh, by the way, it’ll be close to 300.00. *sighs* And because I can actually get them myself (though it makes life A LOT tighter). it would be easy for me not to ask him. Even if he says he can’t afford it all, I can pay part of it. My issue is how do I come out and ask for him to make good on his offer, without sounding like a total gold–digger? Mind you, he hasn’t mentioned anything about this gift since he offered it… *Sighs* anddd since he is low on the reliability charts, I’m wondering if I should even waste the time in asking. *sighs* Men.

P.S. No, his ass never gave me the damn money. And yes, I did ask. *snorts* No good men....

Stay Jazzed.

Early Morning Mumbles

It’s 3:15 in the morning, and I am trying to figure out how I am going to go back to sleep. *sighs*
Tonight I didn’t even have any of the glorious lovely dreams, which was part of the reason I went to sleep. I thought that maybe if I went to sleep early, I would be able to wake up slow enough that I could remember them. Ugh. Anyhow…

Today has been a quiet day, the usual I should say. Work and home and TV and sleep. Mercy, I have the life of a dull person. *sighs* It is odd, that I am under the delusion that when I move my life will be better, but I will still be lonely and broke. *shrugs* At least I will have a swimming pool to lounge in. That raises an interesting question…what do I need to feel like I have a better life? Hmm..

starting off with a ‘life’ itself would be nice… something that keeps me out of the house, without me having to spend any money. AND that lets me interact with people. Maybe volunteer work. That is free, highly interactive, and it is just a good thing in general. Okay… that’s one thing…what else? I need some more money, and the bartender thing is supposed to help out with that. Okay….anything else? Hm.
I’m watching Sally right now (the dreadful things that are on late at night) and she is counting down the ‘Bad Boys’ of the Year…considering the year ain’t even over yet it is rather scary. I think the show should be called the ‘Bad Boys and the Women who let them be bad’. *sighs* The whole man/woman thing is amazing to me. For something that has been going on for hundreds upon thousands of years, you would think that as a collective, humans would have figured out how to make the love and relationship thing work by now. Instead, we keep making the same mistakes, and repeating the same errors over and over again. *sighs* I used to say that the willingness to kill each other for no apparent reason was what separated humans from the animals…but perhaps it is the complexity of our ‘love’ relationships is what really makes us different.

*sighs* Well….back off to bed.

Stay Jazzed

Ecstasy

Okay…. now I see why so many people were tripping over Dirty Dancing when it first came out. It is a bit of a hot-ass movie. Hmm… I want to go out and dance now.
Have I ever talked about the fact that I understand fully why most churches consider dancing and music to be sinful? The times I feel like I am floating out of my body in the most amazing and spiritual of ways have had to occur when I was dancing to house music. When I am hot and dancing to a beat that turns into my heart and nothing else exists but the beat and the movement of my body.. *sighs* I can totally understand it.

Ecstasy.

Hmm… I guess you have to learn that kind of dancing (what’s on DD). That is one of the few physical activities that I am totally comfortable in doing. Give me music, and I just let myself go. Now I’m not saying that I have the best form, or I can pick up the steps as fast as everybody else, but I am comfortable. When it comes to dancing I really don’t care how contorted I might look, or how off center I might seem to be, but it feels GOOD. I think that dancing is the best exercise ever. When I am dancing, sweat doesn’t matter, aches don’t matter, my feet hurting don’t matter, nothing matters but the beat and my body motion.

*shimmy shimmy shake shakes*

Stay Jazzed.

Excuse me...

I want to split myself down the sides, peel off my skin, and step out into some new woman who walks around all day talking to herself and making perfect sense. I think I really have to get out of the house tomorrow.. later on today. Just go out and wander around for no apparent reason. Find some water to get into… maybe stop by centennial park and play with the children.

I think I have figured out why I like the heat… it make me aware of every part of my body in ways that I usually don’t acknowledge unless I am going to sleep. Speaking of sleep, I have been having the simply wildest dreams lately. Not wild, but vivid…and I can only remember faint bits of it when I wake up. Very irritating to know that just a few minutes ago you were neck deep in plots & intrigue and adventures and suddenly there is nothing going on but the early morning sun and an annoying alarm clock. I wish I would write before I fully reached consciousness, just so that I could write down what I am dreaming about. I think that these dreams are coming from very very very deep in my subconscious...so deep in fact that once the conscious is awake and aware what ever I was dreaming about is lost until I do something that sparks a subconscious memory.
blah.

Stay Jazzed.

Body Matters

I see beautiful women, and I wonder if they like their life. *sighs* I know that every woman, no matter how lovely, most likely has some issues about her looks…simply a side effect of America.
But, when other people look at beautiful women, are they treated differently? Are they summed up as the totality of their appearance alone? I am wondering because I want to become a beautiful woman. Perhaps I should explain what I mean by a beautiful women. Have you ever seen that woman who makes your head turn without a second thought? She walks by and it’s like ..wow…grace has touched her. She radiates something far beyond just physical beauty. She *thinks* she reminds you of something greater, she is like a goddess.
Physical beauty is a part of it, yes without a doubt. But there is also something that comes from within that insures the beauty is always there, not matter what age the woman is. I think that I have some of that grace, but because I am not truly comfortable with my body and my looks as a whole, I can’t settle into the full range of beauty that I could possibly have. At the same time, I wonder if I really WANT to be more attractive...if I would want the attention that may follow me. *sighs* Brothas can get on my nerve as it is now…do I really want to be any prettier? sexier? slimmer?
*shakes head* Some how this sounds so freakin conceited…but I’m not. It’s just that I see beautiful women, and I see how people look at them...and I wonder if it bothers them. And you can’t just walk up to a sista and say.. “Does it bug you when brothas scan you like a hot pot roast?” or “Okay…do you LIKE getting hit on damn near 24-7?” *shrugs* And I know just the little bit of attention I get is like… Whoa….ya’ll are trippin, so I wonder if I could handle anymore.

I need a personal trainer…because I know what I want my body to be able to do and to look like...but I have no clue how to get it to be that way. I used to be able to put my feet flat behind my head, and sit in contorted positions for extended periods of time. I really just want my flexibility back…and I want a lot more strength. And balance…and grace…and endurance. *sighs* and cardio strength…and all that other jazz that having a truly healthy body entails. I want to have a dancers body… *sighs* I wanna wanna wanna dance...I wanna wanna wanna be free…I wanna wanna wanna be able to leave the house without a bra…I wanna wanna wanna be all of me. Ya know I have considered going through basic training JUST to get in shape. Thas ugly ain’t it??

Stay Jazzed.

Brain Fart

Words that I like the sound of like catharsis and calla lilly or maybe even prognosis they all have a wonderful way of sliding off of the tongue and bringing up memories of something else. Though really, prognosis I don’t quite understand. Hmm… words that spark songs maybe? I don’t know… I’m rambling for no apparent reason (as is obvious I’m sure) and I just figured what better to write about than words? Since you have to use them to write with right? *sighs* I sound mostly drunk…but really I’m not.

Let’s see.. what have I gotten done today? Hmm… woke up around 11… puttered around the house…cleaned up my living room…ate ‘lunch’ took a nice long nap… got awoken by one of my neighbors banging on my screen door *sighs* men. Got up, packed most of my clothes…puttered around some more…cooked & ate dinner. I have been online almost all day and feel so… so I don’t know the word for it. Even though I have been in the house for most of my life *laughs* I feel like there is something seriously wrong with me being such a homebody. I mean really… I am 23… shouldn’t I be out partying like a mad woman every weekend? Argh. I can’t wait to be GONE GONE GONE…*sighs* Okay….

Another Rant About TV ( from here on known as simply ARATV)
The wonderful commercials about credit management. Why do they say reduce your bills with a home equity loan? I know that I am not the best person about managing money, but really? You might be paying less every month, but you will have to pay more in that wonderful thing called interest. Is it really worth saving 50 dollars a month, when you will have to be paying those bills for an additional 5 years? *shrugs* I don’t know… why aren’t there any real honest commercials that tell people the best and in the long run cheapest way to manage your debt is to stop spending money and put more on the bills?? *sighs*
blah. blah. blah.

Stay Jazzed.

Goddess, Revisted

I wanted to do a run through of my Goddess ratings and see how much I agreed with them. When I first did it I knew that it was pretty on point, but I wanted to go through and really write about how on point it was or was not.

You scored 33% Aphrodite
If you are ruled mostly by Aphrodite, your femininity and passionate spirit are the controlling forces in your life. You tend to be charismatic and self-assured, comfortable with your body and unrestrained sexually. Men are drawn to you like bees to flowers, which satisfies your erotic nature. However, you tend not to form permanent attachments with lovers because you value your sexual freedom, which may leave you feeling lonely and even depleted once a relationship ends. To find and form a more lasting relationship, you need to add more of the goddess Hera to your life.

Interesting, mainly because it’s mostly true. At least the way I draw men to me like bees to honey, even though it seems to be the older, slower bees that I manage to pull in. And lately, the erotic side of me has been quite restrained, at least as far as sharing it with other is concerned. Comfy with my body? Yes…even though I hate it on occasion, most of the time I am pleased with what God gave me. Hmm…my relationships don’t usually end because of a desire for sexual freedom though. I haven’t quite figured out why they tend to end.


You scored 25% Persephone
If you exemplify the qualities of Persephone, you have most likely experienced great loss in your life -- the loss of your health or your emotional or physical security, the betrayal of a friend or lover, the loss of a child, your own divorce or that of your parents. This experience has forced you to face the dark, unenlightened side of yourself (the side that blames other people or circumstances for your own suffering) and transform yourself into a stronger, more independent, more accepting and more loving person. It may have also led you down a spiritual path, and moved you to place great emphasis on inner calm and on close connections with friends. You are capable of embracing, integrating and accepting difficult experiences. Because of that skill, you offer others the gift of empathy -- you know where they are or have been.

This one is REALLY good. I think that most people have lost something, but I know that I have faced that ‘dark, unenlightened’ side of me, and made her sit down & shut up. At the same time it is a bad thing, because I don’t allow myself to lean or rely on others…I’m just too used to people letting me down. The more important something is, the more I try to have plan that will allow me, and me alone to have the final say on whether it goes through. I can handle letting myself down, but I can’t handle others doing it. Inner calm? Oh my yes…once again though, maybe a bit too much. If the inner calm is created at the expense of all of my other emotions, then that is not a healthy thing. Close connections with friends? Yes, the few I have are my friends for life. Emphatic? *sighs * I always wanted to be like Deanna Troi on ST:TNG, because to be able to feel and relate to others feelings seemed like the most wonderful gift there could be. I try to be emphatic, but I try to give people a chance to keep the focus on themselves. My skill in that has gotten worse lately…

You scored 16% Artemis
If you are ruled by Artemis, your independent spirit belongs to no one but yourself. Your body is vibrant, your attitude robust and your manner vigorous and alive. You are driven by physical rather than mental energy. You feel complete without a man in your life and would never compromise your essential nature for a romantic partner. You are skilled at establishing personal boundaries and enter into relationships on your own terms -- in short, you can take care of yourself. This attitude may at times put men off.

Hm. All of this is true except for that physical rather than mental energy bit. It relates a lot to Persephone, in that because of my losses, I have become & created a very independent woman who takes damn good care of herself. Put men off? Hm. If they can’t handle me being the way I am…they can’t handle me. Would I ever consider changing? Perhaps…when I meet someone I can depend on like I depend on myself. Then I will be able to relax and know that I won’t think I’m leaning on someone to find out that I was really leaning on air.

You scored 16% Athena
If you are ruled by Athena, you are bright-eyed, shrewd, resourceful and inventive. With friends, you are the wise counselor -- always ready with an empowering message. You are believe strongly that women can accomplish anything men can. No wonder you put so much time into your career. Athena women tend to be ruled by their head, not by their heart. You carefully guard your intimate side, protecting your emotions and vulnerability. If you want to awaken your unexpressed womanliness, you'll have to use the same passion you apply to your intellectual achievements. It's important that you work to integrate your strong masculine side with your feminine side -- bringing together your strength with your vulnerability, your creativity with caring, your intelligence with imagination. Otherwise, you risk coming off as unaffectionate and self-righteous.

Hm. Okay…I can work with this one. Wise? Yeah, okay…only when it comes to other folx though. I KNOW that women can do anything that men can, plus a few more things. : ) I am ruled by logic (half-Vulcan anyone?) and in the process, my head controls. My heart is like a flag, blowing in the wind…but my head is like the flagpole, a fixed supporter. Hm. Awaken my unexpressed womanliness? Umph. Interesting… I am very ‘feminine’ in appearance, and very ‘masculine’ in my mind, and I like it that way. I have been called cold, which would refer to being unaffectionate, and it’s been claimed that I have the skill of looking down on people…self-righteous maybe? It’s interesting, because while I may appear to be that way…it isn’t the effect that I mean to give off. * sighs*

You scored 8% Demeter
If you fit the Demeter archetype, you are a nurturer and caretaker. You have a generous heart and enjoy extending your love to others. You are motivated by the most powerful of instincts -- to give life -- and selflessly devote yourself to the life you create. You feel compelled to care for all those around you, even if they are not your own children. In short, you feel the need to be all things to all people and, therefore, your own needs sometimes go unmet. You must learn to say no, and apply Artemis's sense of boundaries and Aphrodite's ability to put herself first. That way, you can give to others from an overflowing rather than a half-full cup.

Um no. * grins* Simply put, I can be a very selfish person. I nurture & take care of myself…and I am always a open shoulder to cry on, but all that other stuff? Nope.

You scored 0% Hestia
If you embody the qualities of Hestia, you understand the value of having your own sacred place, whether it's an actual room or simply a time of day when you free your mind of busy thoughts and experience peace of mind. There's no doubt this place is at home -- where you feel the most joy. Home is your sanctuary. You are at home with yourself wherever you are, though, and no matter whom you are with. You know that the meaning of your life springs from your spiritual center. This brings you a great sense of security. You do not crave attention or material possessions; you nurture your friends and family with your unconditional love.

I find it interesting that it says I had no Hestia in me. I LOVE my home…it is and always will be my main sanctuary. The spiritual center stuff?? Not really…I am not really spiritually rooted, and I still feel…secure. I wonder what kind of security they were talking about though. I LOVE attention… and as far as material possessions…umm me & my love/hate affair with money is a genetic trait. Unconditional love? No.

You scored 0% Hera
If you possess many of Hera's qualities, you tend to find fulfillment in relationships and look on marriage as a permanent union. In marriage, you feel no sense of frustration or resentment, because you are an equal partner with your spouse. You are confident and have no trouble asserting your authority in and out of the relationships. You seek men who are self-confident and successful, because you are comfortable with the concept that you can be fulfilled through him (and him through you). As long as your partner honors the marriage as much as you do and appreciates you, you will be happy. If he doesn't, you must concentrate on your own growth and discover an identity independent of him.

This one I totally agree with. Not a scrap of Hera do I have in me. I fulfill most of my needs, and those that I can’t fulfill, I tend to do without rather than looking for someone else to fill them for me. I’m a closed in little creature aren’t I?


Staying Divinely Jazzed.

Low Blow!

June 28th
*smiles* Me & Uju will me getting large pieces of your mind hmm? I can't imagine why, except for the fact that you want to argue that the things that are going on in your life arte so overwhelming that it prevents you from doing what you want to do... and if that is the case it is a lost arguement on me, because I do not/can not/will not believe that. *sighs* Everything that she is saying I have spent a long time trying to figure out how to say in a way that you would hear & accept what I was saying rather than becoming defensive and feeling as though I was doubting you. *grins* You need a swift kick in the pants love, and she is handing it to you on a platter.

June 30th

Papi,

hmm...it seems like what you were fighting so hard to avoid has landed on you like a ton of bricks. I hope that you can handle the backlash Chris. No longer will you be able to play the innocent bystander as life does funny & fucked up shit.

You can go straight to hell. I plan on telling everybody the same exact things that I told you last night. In fact, I've read her diary and inbetween that and working, I've been writing my response to that. In fact, to you and her and everybody else. I'm not going to let her play doting, ignorant lover. Like I told you before, she said she wanted no more romantic relationship with me. After that, I explored other options. Simple as that. And right now, I'm emotionally unattached from everything in this. So it's pretty easy for me to handle the backlash. And besides, just like you came across in your entry about what happened that day, you made it seem like it was all my doing that we kissed in the store, so on and so forth, so now, you look like an innocent bystander. But I do want you to know ahead of time that I will be telling my side of that too, which as I told you before is completely different from yours.
Annnnyyhooowww.....how has YOUR morning been so far?
Fine until you emailed me with this bullshit.
How's work?
Fine until you emailed me with this bullshit.

Jun 30

Papi,

Innocent? me? hmmm... I did not know that you and her were in a RELATIONSHIP at the time.
Oh really? You read my diary, don't you?
If I did, Memorial Day would not have gone down the way it did.
I can bet. You knew that I was in a relationship with Sam last year too. That damn sure didn't stop you then either. And for the record, I was talking about who made the move on who. As far as I'm concerned, that was mutual unlike what your diary says.
Without that knowledge, how was anything I did wrong?
You are full of it. Anybody who reads my diary knew what was going on.
You see, the problem with her telling you that she didn't want a romantic association is, it was soooo close to when we were talking about our romantic association, love. The timing was amazing, especially considering that she said that on the tuesday AFTER I was in Baltimore.
And when did our relationship start exactly?

Jun 30th

Papi,
Innocent? me? hmmm... I did not know that you and her were in a RELATIONSHIP at the time.
Oh really? You read my diary, don't you?
Yes... and imn your diary, unless I missed that day, you never said that you and her were in a relationship. You said that ya'll had feelings for each others, but feelings do not a relationship make.
You should have read it alot more closely than you must have...


If I did, Memorial Day would not have gone down the way it did.
I can bet. You knew that I was in a relationship with Sam last year too. That damn sure didn't stop you then either.
I am a different woman this year than I was last year. If I was the same woman, we would have fucked over Memorial day....more than once.
Ok, so what is the difference exactly between oral sex and intercourse? I see, you're using the Presidential definition of sex. See, it wasn't really sex. It was just some pussy eaten and some dick sucking... but that really wasnt' sex... yeah ok. I see *your* logic here.

And for the record, I was talking about who made the move on who. As far as I'm concerned, that was mutual unlike what your diary says.

I admitted that I wanted you, that I flirted with you shamelessly, that I felt the sexual tension. I still feel that you made the first move, but I never meant to give the impression that I did not encourage it.
*yawn* ok... cualquier digas

Without that knowledge, how was anything I did wrong?
You are full of it. Anybody who reads my diary knew what was going on.
Once again I repeat, I knew that you all had feelings. But a RELATIONSHIP? as in exclusive? nah babe, I never knew that. again, go back and reread.
You see, the problem with her telling you that she didn't want a romantic association is, it was soooo close to when we were talking about our romantic association, love. The timing was amazing, especially considering that she said that on the tuesday AFTER I was in Baltimore.
And when did our relationship start exactly?
I consider our relationship to have started the second you started talking about you moving to Indy. And that was before I left baltimore, which means it was before she said she wanted to pull back. In fact, we were talking
about you moving when we were in Denny's, which would have been the 28th. When did you think that our relationship started?
As memory serves correctly, when I dropped you off at Leon's, you told me that you *knew* what you wanted and you asked me to find out what I wanted. The hypothetical stuff before then, ie the conversation at Denny's, isn't my marker. It's when we made the decision which was way after that sunday as it was.

RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I saw JEH today in the mall, and it totally freaked me out. I don’t know if he saw me, as I noticed him from behind, and I was walking too fast to stop so I just cut in front of him really fast and kept on going. He was with a remarkably tall girl, telling her about the mall like a tour guide. It might have been his sister, but I doubt that. How did I react… it was the classic fight or flight…as I wasn’t ready to face him (will I ever be ready?) I fled like a mad woman. My heart was racing, my stomach twisted into itty bitty little knots, and the desire I had for a vanilla milkshake (which was brought me in there in the first place) quite vanished. *sighs* Ugh. How do I feel about it? Oddly enough, upset at myself because I did not stop and face him. *sighs* I knew that he was in the city, but hey.. I didn’t really expect to run into him. I actually kinda hoped that I would be able to avoid him for the entire time I was here, and at the same time, I wanted to run into him. *sighs* Avoidance is not a good thing. *sighs*

That moves me onto another thing…in one of the entries I lost I talked about how my emotions have seemed to be spinning out of control, and after a long talk, I realized that this may actually be a good thing. I was complaining about how I couldn’t write unless I was hurting, and I realize that it is because I would only let myself fully feel hurt. All of the ‘good’ things that went on in my life I only let myself feel partly because I didn’t want to feel the full burnt of the pain that would come as soon as the good feeling ended. *shrugs* And I wondered why I couldn’t write…I was blocking a lot of what I could be feeling.. in order to feel only what I could control. And now, it feels like I am just feeling everything. It is utterly terrifying too. And somehow comforting too. I feel like I am getting in touch with me, and she is such an unhappy woman.

So…I have some emotional goals for myself. I want to be able to just come out with what I need to say, even if I can’t say it to the people involved, at least I can say it here. I want to give myself permission to fully feel joy, fully feel pain, fully feel everything in between. I want to immerse myself in life. I want to let the beat seep through me, fill every corner of my heart & mind until I just can’t NOT dance.


Stay Jazzed.

Boob Tube

It’s amazing the things you learn having a television.

I was never before aware of how ANYTHING and everything dealing with life has been turned into a moneymaker. I am simply astounded by the fact that aging, something that no of us can escape, and that is simply a part of life, has been turned into something to dread and to hold off by any means possible. I mean.. personally, I think that my first gray hair will be something that I am proud of. It will be proof positive that I have LIVED…that I am not just a young innocent thing anymore, that I hold some wisdom and some knowledge that might be worth something. However, if I believed the commercials, I would know that I need to be coloring away any sign of gray, moisturizing away the least indication of wrinkles, and god forbid that I admit that I will reach a point when I no longer have the stamina & energy of the 23 year old I used to be.

And the materialism..oh my god. The simple assumption that you NEED to have as many ‘things’ as possible in order to truly be happy. That if you don’t just run right out and by the latest thingamajig you will simply shrivel up & age away. *laughs* Oh…and of course there are the sixty & a half zillion ways to save time…and what are you supposed to do with all the time you save? Stay at work longer so you can make MORE money to buy more stuff. Ugh. *sighs* I totally thank my mother for keeping me away from this for so long. *shudders* TV is an amazing force…it’s a shame it isn’t used more for the good and less for the money. And it isn’t really the SHOWS that are the bad things…it’s the commercials.

Give me good music any day.

Stay Jazzed.

But, this....is Priceless

Ever seen those lovely little Mastercard ads, where they add up the price of some exotic trip, and then conclude that something about the trip is really priceless? Hmm…each time I see those commercials, I notice that what they are claiming to be priceless, often has very little to do with the whole trip. : ) Usually, what they are in essence talking about is a connection between two people, some sort of discovery about the person, or the couple, or the group. Connections between humans…face to face…intimately, but not sexually. Something that it seems like there is less & less & less of now a days… real human connections, *sighs* anyhoww……I want to make a list of things that I consider to be priceless, or the things that when they happen… I will consider to be priceless.

I remember when I first saw Star Trek: Insurrection (which really wasn’t THAT good of a movie), and there was a scene where girly girl showed him just how to freeze time. How to hold a moment so still that you felt like you were living in that moment and in that moment alone. *sighs* That is the kind of priceless moment I want to remember, the ones you want to freeze and treasure forever. Anyhow… on to the list…

1. The first time I hold my newborn child
1a: Almost everything having to do with the conception and birth of a child I am ready for.
2. The moment I get married…not the wedding & the I do part, but the moment that I realize that I am bound to this person for life & for death, in love and in anger, and I am completely and utterly overjoyed by the fact.
3. The first time I see the Egyptian pyramids.
4. The first time…hell possibly every time I see the sun set & rise over the ocean on the same day.

Hm. I can’t think of anything else…maybe the most valuable priceless moments are the ones you don’t see coming. hm.

Stay Jazzed

Once Again

I wrote this years ago, for the young man who I gave my virginity to. *laughs* He was an amazing young man. He had so much vitality, so much intelligence, and so little urge to use it. I loved him so much, and it was more than just that ‘the first man you have sex with kinda love” , but I realized that he just wasn’t with me in so many different ways, and that me trying to force me into catching up, or even changing his ways a little would do neither of us any good. He had to change on his own, because he wanted to. When I wrote this I was alllll up into Nikki Giovanni and Nzotake Shange, so that is where the slightly odd spelling came from.

Somehow…it feels appropriate once again.

12-10-93
I wud light u in2 something beautiful
with the light of learning
but
then i wud light u
u must light yourself
i wud build u in2 a strong/beautiful/proud/noble/black/man
with the strength of my spirit
but
then i wud build u
u must build yourself
i wud show u the world
make u open your eyes
and your mind
but
then i wud force you
to open and see
u must see for yourself
i luv u
but
u must
light/build/open/grow/develop
yourself
and then
u will be worthy of me
bright/strong/proud/noble/black/woman

Stay Jazzed

Concluding Notes

So, I can think about things a lot more level headed, a lot more open minded than I have been able to at any point before now. First it was because the shock and hurt at what had happened was just so great think I simply couldn’t think straight. and then, my period hit, and I am the most unbalanced, weepy, melodramatic person in the world then… so anything that I would have said or thought would have been totally *thinks* inaccurate , and subject to change. So now, I have three things to do.…
1) Decide how I feel about the situation as it occurred
2) Decide what sort of relationship I can pursue in the future
3) Be sure that he is interested in the same sort of thing
4) Execute my plans…

Well…. part one I have handled. *sighs* How I feel about it? At this point, I am still hurt, still intensely disappointed, mainly because I had let so much of myself out, and I had become so wrapped up in this one person that the awareness that he wasn’t totally wrapped up in me too hurts. Basically, at this point I am jealous as hell. *shrugs* As much as I have prided myself on not being a jealous woman, *shrugs* I am. As far as how If eel about him… *shakes head* he needs to grow up. I still think that we need to try being together *sighs* but that now is just not the right time. He has so much more that he needs to do with his life, on his own. And I know that being the semi-aggressive, bossy woman that I am, a lot of it would have been my own nagging and pushing and prodding and poking that would have pushed him into doing what he needs to do.

That kinda segues into the next part, what sort of future relationship I am willing to pursue. Right now, nothing more than friends. Simply put, I know I can’t deal with more, and I don’t think that it would be fair to ask anymore of him then that he grows and develops as he needs to. However, at a later date in time, when we are both more mature and prepared… *smiles* I still think that we can make lovely music together.

Does he agree? I have no clue… I haven’t had a chance to really sit down and talk to him about it. Considering I have just gotten my head together, I haven’t been able to grab him for the amount of time that is needed Will he agree? I don’t know…. if he does agree that we can/should try again later, I will be happy. If he doesn’t… *sighs* ah well, I will just have to accept that some things you only get one chance at.

So.. next comes the execution. *sighs* talking about it. Ugh. I hate talking about emotions…*shrugs* one of my downfalls I guess.

Any way… I have majorly serious money problems. *sighs* I am going to have to ask my mother for some money… perhaps even the use of one of her credit cards, and I REALLLY hate that. Mainly because I should have known better, and secondly because I just hate asking her for anything. Mind you, the card is more or less mine, and I have to pay the thing off anyway.. but it is just the fact of asking her for it. *siiiiggghhhhs* I really want to be grown up & on my own and I keep doing dumb stuff that I should avoid. Ugh. I really thought I had it all covered, and now this. *siiiigggghhhs* Oh well, another healthy helping of the humble pie coming up.

anything else? I have starting writing on a daily basis, or I guess I should say a nightly basis. Nothing major…in fact it is a lot more casual than what I write in here. As I was ‘prepacking’ I uncovered a journal that I bought ages ago… one that basically asks you through a series of questions to recount the high & low points of your day, along with a page to just write whatever. I have been writing in it every night for a bit, and it is nice.

I still have problems going to sleep every night…but *shrugs* I don’t know….maybe I am getting TOO much sleep.. even though I still feel tired all the time. *shrugs* *sighs* If I didn’t know better I would think I was pregnant again. But anyway, writing in there gives me a chance to settle my mind and clear my head so that as I lay my head down.. I can go to sleep. It hasn’t been working very well though. *sighs* Even the heat isn’t helping me go to sleep, which is usually my best sleep aid. *sighs* Oh well.

Stay Jazzed.

Brain Fart (1)

Just a random note.

Suddenly I understand that damn Deborah Cox song "We Can't Be Friends". It doesn't make it any less depressing and sad of a song, but at least I understand how something like that can happen.

Jazzy

Oh My Goddess!!!

I found this delightful little quiz that finds the Goddess in you. I took it, and these were my results. How….interesting.
If you want to take the test, the webiste is:
http://www.ivillage.com/relationships/articles/0,4097,77655~126,00.html
Cut & paste and enjoy. If you take it..leave me a note so I can come and see your results...


You scored 33% Aphrodite
If you are ruled mostly by Aphrodite, your femininity and passionate spirit are the controlling forces in your life. You tend to be charismatic and self-assured, comfortable with your body and unrestrained sexually. Men are drawn to you like bees to flowers, which satisfies your erotic nature. However, you tend not to form permanent attachments with lovers because you value your sexual freedom, which may leave you feeling lonely and even depleted once a relationship ends. To find and form a more lasting relationship, you need to add more of the goddess Hera to your life.

You scored 25% Persephone
If you exemplify the qualities of Persephone, you have most likely experienced great loss in your life -- the loss of your health or your emotional or physical security, the betrayal of a friend or lover, the loss of a child, your own divorce or that of your parents. This experience has forced you to face the dark, unenlightened side of yourself (the side that blames other people or circumstances for your own suffering) and transform yourself into a stronger, more independent, more accepting and more loving person. It may have also led you down a spiritual path, and moved you to place great emphasis on inner calm and on close connections with friends. You are capable of embracing, integrating and accepting difficult experiences. Because of that skill, you offer others the gift of empathy -- you know where they are or have been.

You scored 16% Artemis
If you are ruled by Artemis, your independent spirit belongs to no one but yourself. Your body is vibrant, your attitude robust and your manner vigorous and alive. You are driven by physical rather than mental energy. You feel complete without a man in your life and would never compromise your essential nature for a romantic partner. You are skilled at establishing personal boundaries and enter into relationships on your own terms -- in short, you can take care of yourself. This attitude may at times put men off..

You scored 16% Athena
If you are ruled by Athena, you are bright-eyed, shrewd, resourceful and inventive. With friends, you are the wise counselor -- always ready with an empowering message. You are believe strongly that women can accomplish anything men can. No wonder you put so much time into your career. Athena women tend to be ruled by their head, not by their heart. You carefully guard your intimate side, protecting your emotions and vulnerability. If you want to awaken your unexpressed womanliness, you'll have to use the same passion you apply to your intellectual achievements. It's important that you work to integrate your strong masculine side with your feminine side -- bringing together your strength with your vulnerability, your creativity with caring, your intelligence with imagination. Otherwise, you risk coming off as unaffectionate and self-righteous.

You scored 8% Demeter
If you fit the Demeter archetype, you are a nurturer and caretaker. You have a generous heart and enjoy extending your love to others. You are motivated by the most powerful of instincts -- to give life -- and selflessly devote yourself to the life you create. You feel compelled to care for all those around you, even if they are not your own children. In short, you feel the need to be all things to all people and, therefore, your own needs sometimes go unmet. You must learn to say no, and apply Artemis's sense of boundaries and Aphrodite's ability to put herself first. That way, you can give to others from an overflowing rather than a half-full cup.

You scored 0% Hestia
If you embody the qualities of Hestia, you understand the value of having your own sacred place, whether it's an actual room or simply a time of day when you free your mind of busy thoughts and experience peace of mind. There's no doubt this place is at home -- where you feel the most joy. Home is your sanctuary. You are at home with yourself wherever you are, though, and no matter whom you are with. You know that the meaning of your life springs from your spiritual center. This brings you a great sense of security. You do not crave attention or material possessions; you nurture your friends and family with your unconditional love.

You scored 0% Hera
If you possess many of Hera's qualities, you tend to find fulfillment in relationships and look on marriage as a permanent union. In marriage, you feel no sense of frustration or resentment, because you are an equal partner with your spouse. You are confident and have no trouble asserting your authority in and out of the relationships. You seek men who are self-confident and successful, because you are comfortable with the concept that you can be fulfilled through him (and him through you). As long as your partner honors the marriage as much as you do and appreciates you, you will be happy. If he doesn't, you must concentrate on your own growth and discover an identity independent of him.


Staying Divinely Jazzed…

Sometimes, it gets too sweet.

I am gagging
on the sweetness
of a life well lived
the sweet taste of
delicacy
decency
and femininity
turn my stomach into
a writhing mass
of bile.
Forced
I sup
until over full and
utterly sated
on the sugary honey
of silence
modesty and
meekness.
Sugar and spice
and everything nice
has been shoved down my
throat for so long
I yearn for the lemony tartness
of No.
I crave the salty tang of a bold look
I hunger for the bitter taste of a failed attempt
at love or money
I dream of sour independence and stinging honesty
and awake to the candy crusted
falseness
of a life well (and ladylike) lived.


Where that came from I have no clue. I want to be able to do that all the time, to have a line pop into my head and tumble around until I am forced to find other lines that go with it and manage to come up with something as utterly angry as that. The first 3 lines jut popped into my head and they wouldn’t leave me alone. Hmm…. I remember a perfume ad that I saw a while ago, back when I was in high school about the ‘Bijan’ woman. Anyone remember that fragrance? *shrugs* Me and my mother had our first real argument over whether I would remain Muslim over that ad. Humph. I wish I had kept it… that agency knew what they were doing with that one, even though I am sure it offended quite a few Muslim women, and even more Muslim men. Somehow it reminds me of the ad, of the fact that sometimes…the goody two shoes life can suck too.

Any how…back to the lines tumbling around. What do I need to do in order to catch them? Keep myself open to them all the time?? Most of the time when I get the lines I am busy in the midst of doing something else and they either bug me until I stop what I am doing and make me write them down, or I manage to ignore them and they fade away. Hmm. Perhaps the less I ignore them the more of them I will ‘hear’. Rather like life, the more you leave yourself open to, the more you will discover.
Goal for the week: Leave my self open to every word that floats through my mind and create with as many of them as I can…maybe next week I will have full blown stanzas pop into my head, and the week after that who knows? I need to go out and buy a good pen with my next cheque. ( I love that spelling). I hae more than enough journals to write in, and that way I will never have an excuse to not pause and record the words I will dredge up. Hmm. Shoppping trip!

Stay Jazzed.

I'm a Hot Guhrl.....

There is something innately purifying about heat. Heat forces you to strip down to the very basics, to eliminate everything that is not totally needed. And I love it…

I love the feeling of standing in the sun and feeling that one droplet of sweat rolling down your back, the sweat dripping off of your calves. The best kind is dry heat…where the wind blowing against your legs feels like silk fresh from the dryer…so soft and warm that I have to stop walking just so that I can concentrate on the feeling of the wind and my legs. I am happiest when it is between 85-95 degrees and breezy and barely humid. The bright sunny days of the southern summer that promise a thunderstorm every other night and lightening shows on a regular basis. These are my favorite days, when air conditioning is an insult to the season, and ice cold water is TRULY the sweetest thing.

This makes me the odd one out amongst most of my friends, who tend to flee into the air at the least indication that the temperature is going to be over 75 degrees. They look at me as if I am demented when I linger outside in the heat, luxuriating in the sun. *shrugs* What can I say, I was born in the middle of one of the biggest blizzards in recent history, and that was more than enough cold weather for me for the rest of my life. And yet, here I am… about to move in INDIANAPOLIS, which is not, as far as I know, famed for it’s long summers and mild winters. *shivers* I haven’t worn a real winter coat in so long it is scary…since high school maybe? Hmm…and then there is the fact that I tend to have a slightly lower normal body temperature than normal (mine’s tend to hover around 95.9-96.4 degrees rather than the normal 98.9), so I am just more comfy when it is hotter.

Cold hands….warm heart. Right?

Stay Jazzed.

The OTHER Green Eyed Monster

W’Jaizah,

Yeah I know, it has been ages since I have written to you, but right now I don’t know who else to turn to. I feel like I am going crazy sometimes. I wake up feeling him just fading out of my fingers, I go to sleep wishing his back was turned to me so that I could curl up to it. I pause in the middle of my day, shocked a gain by the sudden realization that he isn’t the huge part of my life that I wanted him to be. I answer men’s inquires to whether or not I have a boyfriend with a no that is so filled with sadness and regret that I wonder they don’t ask if he died. My heart clenches and turns and shakes in denial that what we had is over.

And at the same time I am oddly unwilling to let him know. Why? I feel like if I tell him just how conflicted I am, that will do nothing but add to his already sad state, and I am still clinging too much to being the Protectress to release the role that easily. And, if I do that , I might have to start talking about how I feel about the whole thing. How I feel like maybe she is what he needs, like maybe she fits him better right now. I have never been a jealous woman, but right now I am. I am jealous of every conversation he had with her, I am jealous of every connection they have that I can never share.

I am jealous that she knows what it is to be a survivor. I am jealous that she is a writer and an artist and can share more with him in those subjects than I ever could. I am jealous of the fact that he told her about projects that he has in the planning that I never knew about. I am jealous that he sang to her. I am jealous that they have songs they dedicated to each other. I am jealous that he called her his heart. I am jealous of every long ass late night conversation. I am jealous of the times he listened to her voice fully, while he watched TV as he listened to mine. I am jealous of everything that they share that we did not.

I love him so much that it hurts, and I wonder how long it will last. The fact that I miss him, that I wish that this never happened, the fact that I regret ending things….all that scares me. It isn’t right & it isn’t me & it isn’t fair that I found him to have him take himself away from me. And why can’t I forgive (as I already have) forget (as I doubt I ever will) and move back into his arms? Because it would be a delusion, it would be a fairy tale that can exist only because we are so far apart… both physically & emotionally.

And because he was so unaware, or at least claims to have been so unaware of what he was doing… of the simple wrongness of the fact. If he didn’t know that what he was doing would hurt if I knew, how can I trust him to be aware of other things that will hurt? If he wasn’t aware of the fact that me reading those emails would break my heart, what does he think is wrong? I can’t ask him to break off all of his emotional ties with others. I guess in an odd and twisted way, I am kinda blessed because I don’t have any of those ties left. I don’t love Mitchell that way anymore, and James has been erased out of my heart like he never existed except for me to wish him ill every once in a while. So I don’t have those left over loves that I have to break off with because I have someone in my life. He does…mercy only knows how many. Shall I even get into the reality of the Ramona thing based on this last escapade? No… I don’t want to lead my mind down those twisted paths of maybes and could be’s tonight.

I guess the problem is that for the first time the awareness that I am not all that my man needs has slapped me in the face. And it is such a nasty feeling to be insecure, to be uncertain of whether what you have and what you share is really enough. For once, I have been left behind, supplemented, and I didn’t even know I was lacking. Have I always been missing something, or was I just missing what he needed? And if I am not missing anything, why? Why did he go there?

And I really don’t know what to do with myself. I am not sexually attracted to anyone, but then again I have only really considered Jeremy, and he is slimy in a much more varied and larger number of ways. Asshole. I WANT Chris, with all of his issues, and lies, and evasions, and immaturity, and bullshitting. And at the same time because of all of that, I don’t know if I can handle him. I don’t know if I can deal with wondering what I am missing, with the doubts about myself that will be reflected every time I talk to him. I don’t know if I can handle the fact that he doesn’t seem to want to DO anything about the state that he is in. I don’t know if I will be able to handle having to pry things out of him about his life & his dreams and feeling like the damn Gestapo each time I do it.. and wondering why he won’t just share. I don’t know if I can handle pouring out my life to him, when I won’t know that he is doing the same. I don’t know if I can handle being so far away for so long…and will I be suspicious of every moment that he is not in touch?

All I know right now is that I love him. And no matter how pissed I am, how scared I am, how much I doubt myself & him, and how much I think he needs to grow, all I know is that I love him, and if he called me up and told me he was moving to Indy I would take him back in a heart beat.

Hmm… that brings up something else. Me and my damn conditions. If… IF….we ever got back together we will have to be in the same city. Fuck that long distance shit. IT allows for too much vagueness in a relationship. Damn. Maybe I can’t forgive him for it. I can forgive hi for doing it, but I can’t forgive him for alll the shit he pulled to try to get around it. And I wonder if he ‘admitted’ to doing ‘it’ because he figured that would be the only way to save any relationship between each of us and him.

*sighs* Girl I am SOOO done.

Talk to ya laters….

Jazzy.

The Green Eyed Monster

I don’t think that I am a moody person…much. But occasionally I will have days where I just go from mood to mood for no apparent reason. Most of the time, my moods are directly correlated to either how much money I have, or how much sleep I have gotten. If there ever comes a point in my life when I actually have enough money to cover all of my needs and a few of my wants, and I am well rested, I think that I will be a simply amazingly cheerful and pleasant person.

It is interesting how money colors almost everything I do, and how I look at and judge people. Hm. I can’t ever say that I truly know what poverty is, simply because I have lived as a member of the ‘working’ poor for so long, that the concept of being truly poor to me, is to be homeless. When we were homeless, I was really too young (thank god) and my mother was too skilled in making it seem like some huge adventure for me to really be…aware of what poverty feels like. Now, looming in front of me like the Emerald City is the idea that it may actually be possible for me, in the not too distant future, to not live from paycheck to paycheck. That I might actually be able to pay off all of my bills. That for once, since I left my mothers house, I might not be in debt, that .. oh mercy..

I might be able to start INVESTING...and saving for a HOUSE…and…. *gasps* purchase a CAR. And the feeling is actually kind of scary, because I don’t want to become one of those people who have money, and who are cheap. Every time I tell people that I am going to be broke for at least another 4 or 5 years, they always look at me like I have lost my ever loving mind. However, it makes perfect sense to me. I am not going to be able to go out and just casually spend money like I would want to. And until I can do that…I am going to feel broke. Not as broke as I feel right now *grins* but broke all the same. And the fascinating part is that I am going to ENJOY being broke for once in my life, because I will be able to see the whole debt/income ration decrease. I am going to get an odd sense of pleasure from writing away hundreds of dollars in checks every month. Of course, I will be pleased even more when I can STOP doing that…. *sighs* ah. money.

I have always been more of an ant type than grasshopper. Always saving a little for the cold times…and I cannot understand how people who have huge sums of money ever go broke. In that I guess that I am kind of limited, because I have never really been a huge consumer. But all the same, how can you literally SPEND millions of dollars on…stuff?? Okay change. I can ‘understand’ it logically, but why would you want to?? I would want to live for 10 years on 100,000 dollar a year, rather than one year on a million, and then have to scramble for the next 9 years trying to keep up the lifestyle that million has you accustomed to.

And.. what sort of madness infects people anyway?? Folx who three months ago could barely afford a new pair of shoes, now flying to Italy to get shoes custom made by some one they never heard of a year ago? Why? Is it really all about keeping up with the Jackson’s when you get a certain amount of money? *shakes head* And the line between spending foolishly and spending well is SUCH a thin one. Ah well.

Stay Jazzed.