I think it's bout time that I ring a bell &

move along.....

*sucks in a really really really deep breath* Okay.. I am suffering from some serious interpersonal issues. I feel totally crazy. I snap at friends…I lie to acquaintances…I feel like I am spiraling out of control and I don’t know what to do. And I have this overwhelming urge to get delightfully and smashingly drunk...which somehow I don’t think would be too wise. *sighs* and then I am so worried about MJW. Something is pushing me to get in touch with him.. I am actually worried about him for some reason…more because I just need to know that he is okay than anything else.

Anyway… *stretches & wiggles toes* I want to get a pedicure I think… *sighs* something is seriously wrong with me over here…and I have no clue what or why…*sighs*

I don’t even feel like writing.

And I sure as HELL don’t feel like trying to

Stay Jazzed.

Creeping Heart

Whoo…. That was fun… the world of point & click is amazing… it is kinda odd tho.. to have almost doubled the number of entries in a single day…. Ah well… I have coasted past the 100th entry…. So I guess my next goal is 200. Woo hooo… .

I am feeling kinda off balance.. I want to push everyone away because I feel… I feel like a creeper vine who is about to bloom and I want to be sure that the people I have around are people that I am willing to really really and truly love. I don’t know… I feel like I’m opening up and ready to let folx in.. *sucks in breath* I think…at least for now… I’m ready to fall in love again.

My heart
like a creeper vine
reaches out
to you
can I hold you close
kiss your eyelids like petals
listen to your heart beat
can I fall for you
fall into you
and stay immersed in you
for a lifetime
will you come with me
for a season
for a reason
for a lifetime
where are you?
who are you?
that calls out to my heart so sweetly
that makes me want to cry
and sing love songs
I’m here
I’m ready
I’m waiting for you to come back to me
and love us forever

I called Little One’s (MJW) house yesterday… and hung up because I was so nervous. My stomach did triple somersaults…in perfect time to the racing of my heart. Me & nee had a nice long chit chat fest..and she really helped me. *sighs* I have finally figured out WHY I was so hurt…. His..actions…of the past year slapped me in the face with the realization that I am not as important to him as he is to me…and that I am just another friend…if even that. *winces* and finding out that the man who you have loved forever and a day (as Nee says… since sperm & egg) doesn’t even consider a very important friend.. *shivers* it’s kinda ugly…but that is all hypothetical… cuz I don’t know how he treats the important people in his life. *sighs* So… I am gonna grab my ovaries…and ask him. Flat out. What value he puts on our relationship...friendship…whatever the hell you want to call it. *sucks in breath* SO I will hopefully find out…for either good or bad or neutral…and I know that I won’t collapse forever.. I will be hurt.. and bruised and my heart will want to scream ahh fuck it all…but after a while I will heal…and I will leave him behind. But at the same time.. I don’t think that will happen…*laughs* I think that Nee knows something that she won’t tell me… *sighs* ah well..

I got the full news on CAK & his girlfriend.. *sighs* it is weird… this is the first time I have really been in this position of seeing someone that I am in love with be with someone else… I mean.. I have been in love with one person and WITH someone else quite a few times… but this is the first time that I am on the other side of that fence. And while I wonder how his new/old relationship will change the one that we have… I am happy for him…the women he is with.. he has gone through a lot with her.. and somehow I think that she will be good for him. *sighs* *raised eyebrow* was her name Marnita? *shakes head* that would be ironic & funny and utterly scary… If it was.. I have to go and read over my writings again…

My sexcapades have reached an impasse…I have a chance to get with one of my friends.. and I like him too much to feel really comfy in sleeping with him. I don’t want our friendship/relationship whatever to be bounded by sex..and I feel like sleeping with him would do that. *sighs* but he is such an appetizing little morsel… *laughs* and then since I like him as a friend so much.. I feel like I’m teetering on that edge of falling in love with him...and with me.. sex is a catalyst many a time… I tend to like folx MORE after I have had sex with them.. so if I already like you a lot… and my like leans in the direction of love… *sighs* sex is a deadly thing to add to that…I need to go and do some work…

Stay Jazzed

The Two Become One...

I have decided to combine my two diaries... I started off in here as Jaguara...and I think I will stay as Jazzybelle...So I am going to bring all of my old entires over in the next few days. I thik I will set them apart by having each entry title starting out with J said - indicating that it is a Jaguara entry...and then after May somethingith they are all Jazzybelle entries, but before that they will be kinda mixed.. and for about a month they overlap... *frowns* I don't know why..but it is weird being split in two like this....

Stay Jazzed.

What do you do....

What do you do:

When the man you love makes your stomach hurt?
When you know you are losing something…but don’t know what or how to keep it there?
When the lover you never had gets a girlfriend?
When the sister you never had…drives you crazy?
When you realize the no mater how much money you make…life will still suck sometimes?
When all that matters… is the next way to forget that you exist?
When you realize how & why people become addicts?
And you wonder if you are brave enough to go down that path?
When friends are no further away than a keystroke…but too far to hold you when you need to cry?
When the woman you want is married?
and her husband wants you too?
When the newest friend you have had for years tries to go further?
When sex no longer becomes casual?
When the test is positive?
When you are tired of not being negative?
When something is so wrong, but everything seems so right?
When life is amazing…and there is no one to share it with?

What do you do…when all you want to do is nothing at all?
What do you do…when you realize that loneliness is a state of life…not a state of mind?
what do you do…when you realize that nothing you can do will help you find a soulmate?
What do you do…when all you need is a ear…that has no mind attached?
What do you do…when writing is all you can do…and sex is all you want?
What do you do…when you want something more?
What do you do…when you don’t remember what is was you wanted to do anyway?

You stay jazzed… and stand still...and wonder WHY you chose to be here…
And then the sun breaks through the clouds… and the sunset turns the whole room golden and you remember…you go through the confused parts for times like these…when everything is silent and warm and perfect... even if only for a second…and you don’t really have any questions anymore.

Blood Madness

*********************************************************
Warning….what follows will be about sex & blood & emotional problems & if you value your sanity or your stomach you won’t read it.

*********************************************************



Okay… I’m sorry… I just HAVE to get this out… issues and morbid things that I have….I wear two silver bangles, one on each wrist…they aren’t round anymore, but more oval so that the fit just perfectly around my wrist. And when I changes tempuratures (walking from outside to the AC or the other way around) the change is registered in my bangles, which registers against that vein on the inside of my arm. And everytime it happens I wonder what it would look like and feel like to cut that vein open. No.. I don’t want to kill myself, but I am just fascinated by blood…mainly mine. And since I have little wrists (almost the only remoely dainty things on me) I can just feel the blood pumping through my skin…. Barely held back.. something that the lightest stroke of a sharp kinfe would set free…and then this chant (ihaave NO clue where it came/comes from) alwaysdrifts through my head
blood is the strength
blood is the power
blood flows
in the final hour
blood holds all
blood sets free
blood is alpha and omega
the blood is within me

and I have no clue…but it sounds RIGHT. And sometimes I just want to cut my self and see what happens…I know there was a period when I was around… hmmm 14? 15? …when I was into scarring myself….I only have one scar leftfrom that period.. a big one on my upper thigh. I would…delicately scrape skin off of a section of my body, and then pick off the partial scar so that it would last dark, but the faded pretty easily… and now I want to scar my wrists… just on the inside… delicate tracings of old cuts and new blood welling up.. *sighs* someething else…odd.. I have been having the weirdest episodes of lucid dreaming on the bus on the way home.. only on the bus mind you.. never on the train.. or at home… only on the bus.. they are usually about me having sex with someone I had seen not too much before that… if they are not about death in some shape or form…or both. *sighs* I am owrried and wondering as to where all of this is coming from.. and then my moods swings are getting better and worse at the same time.. I stay cheerful more, but I can drop into utter anger so quickly… or just a state of listless depression…now since my period utterly sneaked up on me this month.. it could just me a touch of PMS.. but I don’t know…and then that is odd too.. my period NEVER comes quietly… she usually comes roaring and raging and pouring out of me with a scary fierceness…but this month she has come quietly and sits here… this is the first time in … years that I have had a period that I could actually FORGET about. I remember there was an old entry of Jane Sas where she talked about wanting to save some of her flow for use in…ceremonies I belive it was. When I read that I was sooo relieved because I have always wanted to do that.. because I don’t know.. to me the my bleeeding is a celebration of the pontential of life…and that seems llike something powerful to me.. something that shouldn’t just me flushed away…I wished that I could live in one of those societies where the women could seoparte themselves and me at one with themselves at that time…I would want to do that;. And stare up at the full moon…because my period is slowly creeping so that the midpoint of it (now) is on the same day as the full moon and I think that is the MOST amazing thing ever. *smiles* it is one of the things that makes me feel more rather than less connected to myself…and the world…*sighs* writing all that down makes me feel so much better… it is like flinging ashes onto water.. it makes to true difference to the world whether they are in an urn or in the sea… but the heart changes somehow… speaking of heart changes… *sighs* sex & the human heart & stuff … *laughs* that sounds like it needs to be a movie title… I want to be free man.. I don’t want to have to do anything to worry about anything I want to be able to study myself and my blood and my world and be amazed by how connected it all is… and I don’t want to ever have to worry about anything else than me. *sighs* sometimes I wonder if I am going crazy…everyone calls me crazy…*shrugs* I have multiple facets of a single personality… and I am moody as hell...and I am…so fucking different it is no longer even anything remotely close to amusing.. and I wonder how different do you have to be before you are utterly outside of society.. and damn what anyone says ..humans are societal creatures and a lack of a society changes us into something no longer quite human and I wonder how close I’m getting to that line.. and I wonder why I don’t care anymore.

*********************************************************
Ah.. that was good for me…..I think that I am lighter now.. freer… cleaner…almost close to being able to….



Stay Jazzed.

I'll just Stand Stilll

How do you determine the line between TMI ( too much information) and what one would regularly put down in one’s diary? I mean there are things on my mind, that I want to write down...not to mull over or even to record… but I just wonder about. And then I’m like.. that would totally GROSS me out if I read it about someone else, so why would I want to write it down here, where other people can read? So I don't… nothing major. Just the odd convolutions that my female body goes through… I mean sometimes.. it gets REALLY ridiculous. And the fact that I STAY hopelessly dehydrated really doesn’t help either. Anyhow….I actually have something(s) of interest to talk about today.. of course they are all about me (that is what a diary is for right?) and… well I don’t know…for some reason the awareness that people might actually read and give a damn about what I am writing has just hit me.. *shrugs* anyway….
I have been thinking about.. how backwards I am in a lot of ways. Most everyone around me is focused on bettering themselves…whether it be physically, mentally, spiritually…or even emotionally. Everyone I know talks about the latest self-help project they are working on.. or what their goal for life is.. and sometimes I feel like…hell I ALWAYS feel like I’m standing absolutely still while everyone around me whips past on these wonderful life paths they have set up for themselves. *sighs* and the thing is.. I don’t think I’m perfect… I am just in a severe case of inertia… nothing is really… so bad with my life that I feel the need to actively work on changing it. Yeah.. I could afford to lose a few pounds, but for what I do with my life…my weight is fine. Religion & relationships is simply not something that interests me at this time…. I don’t bother them.. they don’t bother me.. .mentally… I am not looking forward to going back to school in any way, shape or form. I look at this last year as something I have to get out of the way before I can go on with the REAL business of living. So, what brought all this to the forefront of my mind.. two things really.. 1) listening to Nee talk to my mom about her plans in and after med. school. It is just amazing to see someone who is so certain of what they want to do…and kinda scary too. 2) Last night I went to this meeting about a new network marketing business that is getting started up…and as part of the business the gentleman who was running it asked what we would do the next day if money was no object.. and the first thing that popped out of my mouth was buy a house. And there isn’t a THING wrong with that……but at the same time.. it got me thinking on what my dreams are…what I really want out of life… and none of it has anything to do with school, or really even other people. All of my dreams are intensely personal, individual things. I don’t want to help the world, I want to write for the world…I don’t want to travel (really I don’t) I just want to have a home…that everyone wants to travel TO. I want to be able to wake up and decide.. hmm.. I think I will *shrugs* I don’t know go and shoot some snow scenes…and be able to drive to the mountains that day. *sighs* I don’t WANT to have a job…I don’t WANT a career… I want my life, and my books, and my camera, and my friends. At least at this point… I’m sure that later on I might want a husband.. and I know I want some kids…but that is sooo far in the future that it hasn’t even peeked over my dream horizon…so how does this revolve back to me standing still in life? I feel like I am … just here… I am not really LIVING. And I honestly don’t know if I know HOW to live…I know how to survive.. I know how to exist.. I know how to move so that life doesn’t move ME. But I’m not really sure on how to manipulate it and others to do what I want…and I know that is partly because I don’t Know what I want.. but I wonder if it’s more too. There is nothing that I am burning to do.. nothing that I have a passion for…and sometimes I think it is because I haven’t fully found my magic , and other times I think it is because I have no magic to find. I don’t feel worthless, but I wonder what am I good for? And then…*sighs* I feel like if I continue in this way for too long, I will turn around 20 years from now and ask myself what have I done with my life…and the answer will be absolutely nothing at all…and that scares me. But what scares me even more is turning and looking over my life twenty years from now, and realizing that what I have been doing I hate…and I hate what it has turned me into…*sighs* So I am stuck in an uneasy limbo.. not wanting to do anything for fear that it will be the wrong thing…but I suppose…when you don’t know what path you want to follow.. any path will work...hm? *sighs* I don’t know…and the unknowing makes it damn hard to…

Stay Jazzed.

Fire & Desire

My nipples…hard
my lips… full
my back...gently draped & arched
I watch your every move

my fingers tremble
at the scent of your approach
my breath stops
as your lips lean close

your smile…enchants
your whispers … reproach
pulling me towards you
and your magic touch

my legs quiver
my body turns
my heart races
my mouth … so dry it burns

you take hold of me
to posses me with a word
the memories overwhelm me
and I surrender to your flame.



Thank you Red High Heels & Dr. ObGyn! Your words have inflamed & inspired me…damnnnnnnn. How do you two manage to make it through?

A long weekend. I have to work on Sunday. I want Tfemale. I want her badly… I think I have found another freak buddy… KS. *laughs* As much as I LOVE the dark skinned black men’s…I keep running up on these light skinned ones…. And he is a lil bit too. But...it might be fun.. he seems like the kind of brother that I could torment & tease and pull out the pleasure until it almost becomes pain. *grins* Unless he turns me out first…
*fans herself* Whoooo…. I can’t WAIT for tomorrow. I have turned into a very very horny woman… and as much as I love Nee & my momma.. I will be glad when both of them are gone… I shallbbe getting quite… hedonistic in those few days that I havea house to myself and have no school… *sighs* I need to get a mini vibrator….just for days like this.

Strangers Of The Heart & Blessings

Eyes of my eyes
Soul of my soul
heart of my heart
staring from far away.

Okay…really odd things are happening around me. I keep seeing people that I KNOW I don’t know…but that I know. Makes no sense to you either? Okay…
1) This new guy who works here. His eyes…I look into them and I see someone that I knew, and knew quite well from high school. Who? I’m not sure…but I recognize this man.
2) I have been seeing CAK drifting around this city for a week or so…well not HIM but folx who resemble him closely…closely enough to have me doing double takes.
3) This woman I saw on the train yesterday.. I knew her from somewhere…stared at her…and she stared back. I am pretty sure I have never met her…but … we recognized each other.
4) The guy on the bus today… he asked me what perfume I was wearing…and when he smiled… I saw someone that I knew… only in the smile tho.
I REALLY would love to know what is up…I feel weird… I am always tired ( you know it’s bad when you WAKE up and the first thing you think is ‘god.. I’m so tired…’) my hands feel disconnected…my ears and palms itch & burn.. *sighs* I feel like a walking giggle shop sometimes…or a twitch factory… *sighs* I remember…while I was in high school there was a time when I was so stressed and just OUT of myself that I was allergic to my own sweat. *shudders* that had to be the WORST couple of weeks I have ever had. I don’t know what caused it, cuz it came and went all on it’s own…but I feel like that sometimes…just restless and aggravated and itchy all at once. *sighs*
Damn…I had something on my mind and I got up to go and do some work *yeech* and completely forgot what it was…impeding senility I tell you.
Reading Diaries inspired me to do this.
Knowing my self inspired me to put it here.

My Blessings

I have never been raped.
I have never been abused
I have never had to deal with a close death
I have never lost a parent
I have never lost a friend
I have been loved much
I have always had a home
I have an education
I still have awe & curiosity
I have friends
I have lovers
I have never been seriously ill
I have never had an STD
I am intelligent
I am beautiful (sometimes)
I can see
I can hear
I can feel & taste & smell
I have learned hard lessons
I have been granted much
I have given much
And through it all…I am STILL loved/loving.
Stick A fork in me… I’m done….

Stay Jazzed.

Don't Break My Heart...my achy breaky heart

Okay… *sighs* There were a couple of things that I want to talk about.. but can’t settle down long enough to really think over. But I’ll start with me, and maybe end up where I need to be.
I have noticed that I have a very forgiving heart… that for me.. time heals all wounds, and that there is really nothing that for a true friend, I won’t forgive. It may take me a while, but after a point I come to the subconscious realizations that we all mess-up, and that after the hurt is gone, there is no need to hold onto it. Everything changes… fading in and out…
so that brings me to MJW… being around Nee has helped, because so many of the best memories that I have of me & his times together include her…and many of the good memories I have of times with her include him. So it is natural to talk about him.. to bring him up...and I have found myself quite a few times biting off the edge of a ‘Why don’t we call MJW?’ while we are in the middle of a trip fest. So… I have forgiven him…in my own way. I am still hurt by what he did…but I do forgive him for it. He did what he felt that he needed to do in order to be well. *sighs* and although I still think it was inconsiderate & slightly rude… I forgive him. *sighs* And once again I drift into a state of missing him. So… I don’t know…I suppose it is because I have unfinished business with him still… I can feel him drifting around. *sighs* I don’t know… I think I will write him an email…*laughs* the punks way out I suppose….but hey… it is my way of extending a hand.
Okay.. it is written and sent out. It is incredible how thinking about one beloved makes you think about another and another… *sighs* I think…I think I am starting to miss CAK. I can’t wait for him to come down… cuz.. I don’t know… I have had this mad urge all day to just stroke his cheek and them kiss him. one of those sweetfragile firm gentle magical kisses that are hot with a everlasting kinda heat. *sighs* maybe it’s the rain.. or maybe it is being around my mom… or maybe it is hormones or maybe it is the change in weather or maybe it is love…but somehow I want to be held and kissed and caressed and fall asleep and wake up again and do it again…. *sighs* Ah.my heart hurts and my eyes are tearing up and my head hurts and … *sighs* it is the end of the month…and the end of this entry…

Stay Jazzed.

Water World

I missed writing yesterday, between working (yeah.. actual WORK) and reading the OD. I have added a few more folx, and of course I have to catch up on their life by reading allll of the previous entries. *wipes forehead* It is a hard job but someone has to do it. I have been feeling really level lately.. not to high, not too low. And I think that being around Nee is helping. *sighs* Man…she is a blessing to me every day and in so many ways. And then having my mom here…*sighs* As I went to sleep last night I thought about just how much I love my mom.. although she drives me BATTY sometimes, I am so happy to have her here…I thought my face would break from grinning when I saw her at the airport. And somehow, my house has magically expanded so that it is big enough for three women and all of the clothing that entails. *laughs* My mom is a real fix-it-upper, and she decided that it would be nice to hang a rod in the storage closet for my coats. We brought a drill, and a masonry bit. But.. clearly I live in a 50’s bomb shelter, because the drill will only go in about ½ an inch before something in the wall starts to strip the bit. Yup… something in my walls is taking the metal OFF of the drill bit. *shakes head* It is really sad. I think I might have to get a metal bit, or a diamond tipped one. *sighs* But I really do want to hang up my pictures.
Along the same lines (the home improvement ones) I am really pissed off at Sears at this point. I ordered two dressers from them, and they were supposed to be delivered by UPS on either Monday or Tuesday… most of Tuesday goes by, and no dressers… so I call sears, and the quite calmly tell me that while the order was faxed to the warehouse, they don’t know if it was shipped out, and therefore they will have to trace my order, and it will take about ohh…. THREE business days for them to get back to me. I mean really….what kinda stuff is that? Anyway.. I plan on calling them everyday…. Until Iget an answer… and since I REFUSE to take a day off of work to wait for a delivery man, they will have to deliver it on Saturday. And since I KNOW that UPS delivers on Saturday.. I don’t want to hear any bull about how they can’t come out. *sighs* Okay, venting that felt reallly good.
Nothing really interesting is going on in my life. I talked to the ever so sexy Steve (finally) on the phone. *laughs* I can’t wait until he comes down here.. we will be having sooo much fun between school and classes and all that drivel. He has a perfectly lovely Nuw Yark accent…but that just fits the image that I have of him any way… and then I found out that another one of my guy friends is bi-curious….how do I manage to do it?? I thought I might have finally gotten a straight friend and it is like NOPE. So now.. I still only have *Thinks* two? Straight friends.. *giggles* At least folx that I consider ‘real’ friends. But talking to him (lets call him Lil Man…he is sooo short  ) made me think about what I like about being bi.. and it isn’t just the sex.. tho god knows the sex is a wonderful thing. It is.. the whole deeper connection that I feel to women. IT is sad that many folx say that men & women can’t befriends because sex gets in the way. In my case, it has always been that I made good friends with me, that was aided & abetted by the sexual attraction. So while I did have a deep connection to women, that part of my psyche was left out, because all of my early female friends were straight. Now, with the arrival of a better sense of my own sexuality, and the expanding of my friendship circle to include bi & gay women…I find that I am better able to foster that whole heart, body & mind connection to them, because there is no part of my psyche that is denied an opportunity to express itself.
As I read back over that, I realize that this would be a perfect spot to insert that poem that I have been talking about for the longest…but of course I left it at home today.. *grins* I will have to come back and edit the entry.. stick the poem in there. Annyn wa y….
What else?? I am writing like a mad woman…working out that blockage and excess wordage from yesterday.
*shivers* I have felt grossly buggy for the past few days. *yeech* I keep thinking that something is crawling on me. I don’t know what is up with me, but my body has been seriously trippin lately. I stay dehydrated on a regular basis, and it gets really irritating. *sighs* and then my skin is dry (side effect) and I just get grumpy *sighs* I seriously might have to start drinking sports drinks to keep my water level up… because drinking plain water doesn’t help.. it washes right through me…and the fact that I have been having salt cravings is a bad sign too… *sighs* I am in SUCH an unhealthy bodily state right now….*shakes head* I mean it is really really sad. Okay.. I’m gone… I will most likely write more later…..perhaps a whole entry on MJW…. *sighs* until I return…

Stay Jazzed.

Back On Track Again.

Hello hello hello again.. I’m back back back. *grins* The weekend was great great & wonderful. I feeling kinda peppy, mainly because I am reaching a goal… kinda sorta…with little to no effort. The goal? Making my house a home…the little to no effort… MOMMMMMMMY!!!! *does a cheering kick & applause* She got here on Saturday ( I picked her up from the airport fresh from a session with T&T. Yeah I KNOW I said I wasn’t going over there.. but hearing Tfemale beg is enough to weaken even the hardest anti horny heart) So I went.. and I came *sighs* annnyhoow…. My mommy met T&T (they dropped me off) and she said that they looked like a nice couple *evil grin* If only she KNEW. We went running around right away… we went to *thinks* all over the city that first day… saw Matrix (great movie) and ended up eating out. Sunday.. we did a lot of shopping for house stuff, and continued that fun on Monday. Today.. I THINK she is home cleaning. * shakes head* I LOVE my mom man. She knows that I am spoiled… and we both admit to it…but still…she is the BOMB. So what else had been going on?
As much as I love my momma...she is a bit of a worry wart and she is about to drive me BATTY talking about my apartment. I KNOW I ain’t in the best part of town...but I don’t have to live with my neighbors. And I am not afraid of them...I live IN my house.. not out there. *shrugs* Yeah they are noisy but.. *shrugs* hey.. I look at it as encouragement to get my degree, stay un-pregnant, and do what I have to do so that I will NEVER end up like them. Anyway.

I have expanded my favorites list to include close to 20 diaries, and I have noticed an odd tend amongst them. All of a sudden almost everyone seems to be depressed, even the normally cheerful ones. It is like something is sweeping through and screwing up all of the hormonal balances among that group. *sighs* And I know that I am not immune to it. Saturday, I was in the biggest funk that could have existed for a while. I was so ready to just get up and walk out of the house…and I can feel that I am easily aggravated, and that the LITTLEST things will just ruin my mood. *shrugs* I don’t know…the swings are starting to get to me though, because I never know what I will feel like doing form one moment to another. And I realized that I have a very… blasé attitude about a lot. *laughs* My mom is bringing some of this out of me I’m sure. This is the first time we have really interacted on a one to one basis where I am kinda mature & independent. Or at least more so than ever before...so it is kinda odd.
I think I’m babbling now….but I’m trying to use up these last few moments of time that I am at work. *thinks* I want to go and lay out in the grass for a little while. Pretend to be young & free again. *yawns* I think I might need to expand the definition of Jazzed pretty soon…cuz if I’m Jazzybelle…then being Jazzed means being me…and goddess KNOWS….I am a lot more than what that definition said. *shakes head* I am soo sleepy now. Ah well… I’m gone… and as I go... I will…

Stay Jazzed.

Weekend Worries

Wow. Misunderstandings can be a damn trip……*sighs* anyhow…sometimes I feel like I’m repeating myself in these things mainly because I keep gnawing at whatever problem I have, until it works out. *sighs* Today’s Menu holds:
1) My funky self image
2) My confusion over proper guest etiquette
3) My occasional desire for relationship. Okay…let’s deal with each one shall we?
Yesterday, as I was getting my nails done *side note* I have promised myself that if I do NOTHING else for myself.. I will ALWAYS keep my nails done. *end side note* I realized where (partially) my problem stems from. I feel like a plain Jane. Boring, bland anti-interesting. And… I think that I see folx who are ..interesting LOOKING, and in females, they always tend to have some sort of odd beauty. I want some of that…and I think that is what is going on. That is why I feel so….utterly unbeautiful. It isn’t that I THINK that I’m ugly… it is just that I don’t think I am very lovely. *sighs* And I wonder about my dependence on my braids. Because I KNOW that if I got braids this weekend I would feel 203% better. Why?/ because then I would have some of my exotique self back. *sighs* I feel like a dull gray bird in a world full of flamingos & parrots.


Ahh….it is meals like that that make me wonder exactly WHY I still eat meat…Perfectly good, perfectly vegan…no dairy….*grins* I mean REALLY who could complain? Anyhow…*sighs* Just got off the phone with my mommy…and she is still coming for sure. I have made up my mind NOT to go out with T&T tonight, and instead chill at home. I might not even go out with KS tonight.. *laughs* because a delightful web of drama and deceit & lies & sex is developing around him…*grins* gossip! Ya GOTTA love it…Nee wants to go to a salsa/meringue club...but after the torture that she put my body through last night, (we did a workout) I don’t know if I will be able to walk fast later on today, much less dance. Hmmm… I only addressed one of my worries earlier.. but I guess I have handled the second one. As much as I like T&T, I still only KNOW them in a very narrow environment…and I’m not ready to go there with Nee & them and my mom and.. *shakes head* there is just TOO much that can go wrong here….*sighs* But I will HATE calling Tfemale to let her know…ah well…. What was my other worry? The occasional desire for a relationship…*sighs* I REALLY don’t know what to do about THAT one…and I’m not even really sure where the emotion is coming from. I mean reeealllly… me? want to be in a steady relationship …me?? the playerista nahhh…never that…I am NOT ready to settle down…with anybody. At all. Am I in denial? Most likely…but I will stay in denial dammit. I am enjoying the swinging single life but.. sometimes I wish for a lil more. *shrugs* I don’t know…
*sighs* I’m tired and restless and just yeechy. I’m gone… I will see my mommy tomorrow…*grins* and hopefully I will make it through…and of course… I WILL

Stay Jazzed.

Music Madness & Men

*jams slowly* Okay.. I HAVE to get out more. Getting in touch with people that you haven’t talked to in a while is the greatest thing there is. I talked to a friend of mine who I haven’t talked to in almost…two years. We went out last night (me, Nee & KS) to a sushi bar, and then to this desert place called Café Intermezzo *sighs* They make the BEST desert in the metro Atlanta area. And I care not what anyone says.. it is worth every penny. We had a grand old time, but even better, We all learned something new/experienced something new. Nee had her first taste of sushi, KS & Nee experienced Intermezzo for the first time, and I got exposed tot his maaaarrrrvelhous CD store called Disc-go-round. (cheesy ain’t it) But annyhow, they sell previously owned CD’s for an wonderful price. KS got a boxed 4-cd set of John Coltrane recordings for 34 dollars. I mean...can you ask for ANYTHING better? I only got three CD’s, things that I had been itching to get, but refused to pay full price for. SO.. I am currently jamming to Arrested Development’s first CD.. and I am about to stick Desree’s I’m Not Movin in...*nods slowly* yup yup yup. What else? We had mmmmad fun, and I am slowly finding out that Nee is most certainly not the innocent I remembered her to be.. I am slowly working on broaching the topic of T&T with her, so she won’t get worried when I vanish for a weekend and come back glowing gently. KS asked us what the wildest things we had ever done was, and I said go to a swing party. *laughs8 poor baby (nee ) thought I was talking about dancing…*grins* but once we explained so was quite cool with it. Hmm… I promised to stick in the poem.. but I think it requires a entry of it’s own…
*pauses for a proper jammin to ‘Tennessee’ * This song is the bomb… *grins* All the songs that I have ever done or assisted in a dance production for have a very special place in my heart. It is incredible how much those three summer’s have affected me. *shakes head* such a brief period of time in all of my life, yet they have made PROFOUND difference might go back to work there one summer…maybe. To help in making such a difference in someone else’s life…that is kinda scary. But exciting too, *sighs* I don’t know…
Okay.. I will dancing all day today.. And I will be PARTYING when I go home tonight to clean. *visualizes herself swinging around with a broom* I LOVE music.

Okay, I’m tired. I am SOOO damn tired I keep falling asleep at my desk.. *thinks* I have no clue why.. I got plenty of sleep last night. But I can’t remember dreaming…and maybe that is why. Every time I fell asleep at my desk, I would immediately fall deep into a kind of lucid dreaming state. It was very relaxing…I almost want to take the LONNNG way home just so that I can do more of that. I would love to go home and go straight to sleep, but if I did then I wouldn’t be able to have the house looking the way I want to. *sighs* Ah well. And then...add to that the fact that I would LOVE to see T&T tonight, but…we are going to meet tomorrow…that way I won’t have to get up early to go to work. *grins* I just have to be sure that I am at the airport on time. I am trying to think of how I will tell her that I am leaving Friday night.. *thinks* she hasn’t said anything bout doing anything...so I don’t know… we had thought about going to the beach party in Decatur, but I don’t know…*sighs* see.. this is why I’m not in a relationship, you have to worry about other folx feelings too doggone much. *sighs* anyhoooowwwww. I’m trying to rehydrate myself…so that I will be able to go for the long haul tomorrow… I wish that there was a way to rehydrate without going through the drink/pee/drink cycle. *sighsss* This is what I get for letting myself get dehydrated in the first place. Maybe I will go and buy some Pedialyte on my way home.
NEWS! JEH broke up with his g/f. or so he says...I KNOW how he is about women, but I think that the love has been fading for a while. NO… don’t look at me like that. So what if I invited him to stay with me?? I would do that for any of my friends…and the fact that he might be a fantabulous f*ck-buddy reallllly makes no difference. I just wanted to be generous and offer him someplace to stay in case the crazy woman finally lost it. Apparently once he left the city,, she was in her mind ‘single’ and so was he. Even tho all his stuff is still in her place.. they were no longer in a relationship. *shakes head* crazy woman. I mean every once in a while I get mad at myself for breaking up with him. He was a great boyfriend (the least crazy I have ever had) and I was able to expand my freak side with him. The point of life that I am in now.. I wouldn’t be able to be with him (he is a STRICTLY one-woman man…and expects his woman to be the same way.. unless he is watching *laughs* ) but we are a pair of verrry good friends.

Well.. it is about that time.. I have rambled away most of the day.. *whoo hoo* Now I’m off to get my nails done (yes I KNOW I’m about to clean...but I need to get them done beforehand so that I don’t have to worry about one breaking off) and wander the mall for a second.. 8shakes head* I have been going through money like a mad woman….ah well… I’m gone… be good.. love everyone...and ….

Stay Jazzed.

The Ruth Poem!

*back flip* I DID have it….*sighs* okay …this is the Ruth Poem,
I reach out and touch your hand
softly gently reminding you
of the presence of me
I reach out and stroke your cheek
marveling at the wonder
that is us
together yet free
I write to you
telling you how much
you are a part of me
I flip through old poetry
and recite to you
‘how my love is deeper than the seas”
I search for words by wiser women
that will summarize the
feelings I have within me
and find no deeper truth
than
Naomi saying
wherever you go
there
I will be.
Okay FINALLY, the dang thing will stop haunting me now...that I have it and it is not moldering on a piece of paper under my bed. *sighs* Adab.
I said something about Adab yesterday, but I went off an other path about the books I have read. Adab , is an Arabic word whose meaning I cannot remember. But in the Dune world, it meant the demanding memory. That memory that refuses to leave no matter how much it may hurt you, the memory that is unforgiving in it’s truth, the memory that forces you to look at yourself and be honest. Adab is the memory that sends you flying down a million paths of saying and pictures and thought, only to return you to one core thing. Adab is the memory that demands that you be honest and unblinking…the demanding memory.
Okay… *grins* I kinda tucked most of the papers I pulled out last night into my bookbag, and I just found something else interesting. There are wedding vows that I wrote for me & MMM. Yup… I was THAT much in love with him...and it could have went there.
(these are to be said in tandem)
This day we give ourselves to each other
Body, Mind & Soul to be yours forever
In return
I ask for your love, admiration, honesty, support & trust for as long as we live.
This hour I offer to you my heart to hold and cherish. To shelter from the heartless world, and to hand down to our children
This minute, we stand before the people we love, our god, and this state, to acknowledge that we are now & forever husband (pause so the wife can put on his ring) and wife (he puts on her ring)
*grins* I like that…I STILL like it, even though the thought of marriage has become a vague and distant thing for me. But.. hey...anything is possible. If I take out the part about the state, it would work for a marriage to a woman too…*thinks* that would be interesting to say the least. Okay.. I have one more poem that I want to put out here, but I need to go to lunch. *thinks* I will work on it when I get back…cuz this poem hmmm.... I wrote this poem the ONE time I was directly affected by homophobia, which for me is a rare thing (thank god)…try to ….

Stay Jazzed

Falling in Love III and Random Comments

Well, I went rummaging last night, hunting for some poetry. The stuff that I put in the previous entry was almost all written over Christmas break. At first I was going to include the journal entries that went with the poems, but I realized that the poems themselves where what really mattered, and that some stuff in the entries I really didn’t want to have to relive through the rewriting of it. I still haven’t found my Ruth poem..but I DID find the second version of the falling in love is Fun poem
falling in love is fun
you jump off of a cliff
of knowledge into an
airy ocean of unknowing
you fall exhilarating
in the power you have
you can do/be/feel anything
it will last forever
(so u feel)
then suddenly, without any
warning, you
hit the ground
and just as suddenly
the power/feeling is gone
and it's not fun
anymore
the feeling is gone
and sadly
so is the love.

That is the original, the revised one goes like this:
falling in love is fun
you jump off of a cliff
of knowledge into an
airy ocean of unknowing
you fall exhilarating
in the power you have
you can do/be/feel anything
it will last forever
(so u feel)
then suddenly, without any
warning, you
hit the ground
and nothing is wrong
you stand
and see a world of beauty
and a true hearts home
secure solid & stable
falling in love is fun
but staying in love is ecstasy
I didn’t really ever LIKE the second version, because I don’t think it flows as well as the first.. but that I had to write something slightly more uplifting. *sighs* I don’t know everything I have ever written about love only talks about how much it hurts and not how good it feels. The only time I write about how good something feels in when it has to do with the sensual side of love.
Okay…. I think I might be done for now… I don’t really have anything to talk about...me and CAK have worked past our misunderstandings on both sides… *thinks* I think that may have been the first time he hurt my feelings.. I know I did something idiotic and messed with his years ago…but I think that this is a first for him. And that is kinda scary.. that we have managed to be this close without hurting each other. Ah well…I can’t wait for this week to be over. My mom is coming on Sat and *deep breath* this will be interesting...okay.. I’m babbling….

Stay Jazzed.

Old Poems

12-16-97
Her back bent
By the misery
of a dying city
fighting to live still
12-17-97
Awed by the acknowledgment
of his tears
of her fears
of the never ending saga
they call love
they step forward
steps as matched
as the china they were given
into a new realm
of late night awakenings
and early morning obligations
the world shocks them
with it’s demanding insistence
and interference
on the never ending saga
they call life
12-19-97
I sit in her lap
breathing in the earthy musk
of her hair
she speaks
with the shy voice of a
child
whispering out her fears
her agonies
the demons that howl through her sleep
I soothe her
with kisses
and soft words
then
he calls me from the other room
the anger breaking through the tears
I kiss her farewell
and turn to face
my bilateral life
again.

He called again last night
His voice creaking and old
leaving another message
We need to talk
I miss you
I need you
DAMMIT I love you
I stare the machine into silence
nothing but the blinking
red light
disturbs me
from my rest in her arms.

12-21-97
Tossing and turning in a sea of light
looking for the path
to truth
we must all encounter
a few nasty burns
along the way.

12-22-97
I had a poem drifting around
in my mind today
humming and singing
in my veins
calling me to stand
and recite
and record
I was busy today
running about
heady in the rush of free money
and so much to spend it on
I had a poem drifting around my head today
but I ignored it in favor of life
and my poem drifted away

My little woman
is always crying
always climbing
never able to pull over
the top of her hill

12-28-97
It can be assumed that it is never too much to ask someone to love you, because it is only he unconscious giving of oneself to another. Once given, nothing more is required than the constant repetition of the fact that it has been given. To ask that someone never hurt you, never disappoint you, never anger you, that is asking for more than many would give. That asks that you be conscious in all of your choices, careful in all your decisions. That requires that you carry me with you in all of your waking & sleeping thoughts, shielding me from yourself. That asks for more than love, more than the gift of your body. That asks that you make me something greater than yourself, something more vital than your wants and needs. Yet as I ask for love, I ask with a child’s voice. I ask that you remember me always, and shelter me from the hurts that you visit on all others. I ask that you turn from me the casual lies and the accidental forgettings. I ask for your word to be your promise and your arms to b e my sometimes shelter.
That is asking too much from what is now called love.
that is asking too much from what we have
That is asking for what I cannot give
that is asking for what I expect
If that asks too much, perhaps I should not ask at all, and sit in silence and take only what is freely given. Expect no more, deserve no less.

12-29-97
You get tired of
empty words
lost among so much
that means truth
words that twist and twine
and loop their silent totality
around you
locking you into an empty
shell of a mind
blank of what was real
impervious to what
is real
only seeing what the words define
I long for full words
words like meat and honey
that with a silent utterance
sends one racing down a million
paths of memory
I long for words that
wegh
you down
holding onto you
making you think about what was said
and just how much it means
I want every word
to mean something
or to lend it’s sound
to the creation of something
beautiful
1-28-98
time ever flows
through y fingers
never stopping moving
ever faster as I try to
STOP! The world
I want to get off
I want to pause my life
& get it in order
I want to take a breath
and sneak past everyone else
I want to fly
untouched by the
thing that holds us all captive

J said - I'm Moving on.....

It has been too too long since I have written here, and anyone who WAS reading it has most likely left. I just wanted to leave a quick note... Jaguara has moved to Jazzybelle. THe few folx who KNOW who I am in real life and on here already know about Jazzybelle....so I guess anyone who cares might as well know too...see ya there!

J.

Free Your Mind...and Your Ass will Follow

On occasion I want to jump off of a building. Simply to see what it feels like to fall free. Would it be terrifying or would it feel remarkably freeing? If I knew I would never hit ground could I relax and enjoy the feeling of flying? I think I would…I flew once, or I dreamed about flying once…it was the best.. I was around 13 or so…and I still remember it clearly.. I lifted up by the force of my will and flew all through the house. Sometimes by body simply wants to drift free of the shell it’s in..no pains no aches just… a gentle floating. *sighs* I think that when I die.. if I can.. I’m going to be a ghost. And free float all the time.
I am considering going on a very strict diet…*wistfully eyes the candy bar siting next to her* I eat badly. And my body is going to reach up and kick my ass for it. I’m babbling and rifting and totally following my mind…
I love being around someone who understands me mostly and almost fully. *laughs* I don’t miss having a sister but I would be lost without my sista. Nee is my Guhrl. Anyone who can understand me talking as I speak through a mouth full of toothpaste & a toothbrush knows me pretty damn well. Anytime I can spill almost all of my guts talking to her about stuff…actually that isn’t rue.. I spill my guts Totally talking to her on some subjects…and don’t talk at all on others. I have to get comfy talking to her about sex since she is having such issues with it. The same way I had to get comfy with talking to LZJ (a school friend) and CAK about mothers, and the same way I still get a funny feeling when someone talks to me about fathers. It is odd listening to someone share knowledge about something that you have no clue about.

Adab..the demanding memory.

There are a few books that had I not read them WHEN I read them.. I would be an entirely different woman.
Dune by Frank Herbert… this book was for a very long time almost a bible to me. I knew the litany against fear and with a little thought can remember it properly.
CatEye/The PSI Series by Joan Vinge…these books shoved me into a heart felt belief that psi exists…or will exist…and got me caught up in the cat-human interaction
I can’t think of the others right now, but I know there are at least two more. *sighs* I need to buy a new copy of Dune…and reread it…*Thinks* a basis of faith.
I have been considering joining an african/american sisterhood that is at school (when I go back) called Nzingha. Why? *shrugs* I like a lot of the people who are in it, and I feel a need for some sort of connection/joining with something outside of myself. I need just a little guidance…and there aren’t enough Pagans/Wiccans of color for me. Yes, I have grown a lot more comfy about being the only person of color in a group/environment..but sometimes and in some thing s I WANT to see others who look like me, and think like me, and want something along the same lines that I do. Ah.. almost tie to go home.. thank god…actually no it isn’t…well…yes it is.. I was ging to stay late to get more work done, but since the computer that I need to use is going to be occupied tonight, I will stay late tomorrow, and Thurs, and maybe Fri…but not tonight. *sighs* I’m gone…

Stay Jazzed.

Black Capricorn Day....

Writing….Hmm.. I LOVE this whole favorites thing, mainly because now I can add folx, and never have to worry about remembering how to spell their name or who they are.. just add to favorites.. now I have a full listing of diarists to read. Anyhow...I’m not writing much.. mainly because I am STILL sleepy...but tonight I will get a good nights rest.
Last night was quite… mundane. *laughs* I got soaking wet in a lovely Atlanta rainstorm (I know I said that I wanted it to rain but REALLY!) and cleaned out my fridge, and got a nasty note from my gym. Speaking of which…..
Okay.. I intensely dislike phones sometimes…I have my membership on Auto Debit.. which means that there is no way that I should ever MISS a payment.. okay.. well & good.
Than I try to call the bank to check on the debit status (since I can’t see my statement) and the phone rings forever and a day. Yes.. I tend to be rather impatient….and I can’t even while away the time patiently by reading OD because the hamsters have suddenly decided to lay down & die. *sighhhs*


Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
I took for granted
All the time
That I thought would last somehow
I hear the laughter
And I taste the tears
But I can’t hear you now
I cant you see baby
You got me going crazy
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
Oh I love you
Oh whatever it takes
Whatever you do
Wherever you go
I’m never leaving you


In the CD player at work Today….
Monica (her latest) Jamiroqui (Synkronized) Whitney Houston’s single ‘It’s not right, But It’s Okay’ (the anthem for ANYONE done wrong) And Les Nubians…
gives me the urge to learn another language. Okay.. I have been saying that I was going to do this forever…but I am REALLY gonna do it tonight. I will look for, find, and collate all of the random scraps of poetry that I have written in the past couple of years. Because there are a couple of poems that I REALLY want to get my hands and so that I can read them and work with them in my mind, but I can’t seem to find them. Anyhow my collection needs to be updated. Some of the poems that I have put on here are ONLY on here…and I’d hate to lose any of it…and perhaps seeing some of my stuff will inspire me to finish/start writing Amoung Other Things…I don’t know…The book is becoming more real to me as I experience more of the things that I wanted to write about..
Never thought I’d be afraid to trust
Somebody that I loved so much
If I can get him out of the streets
He can come back to me
Now I see there ain’t no us
Baby to me that is a definite plus
If I can’t get you out of the streets
Then you don’t need to be with me…

Monica once again ladies & gentlemen. *sighs*
Okay. I’m gonna say this right now, and I don’t know if I mean it or what...but I think I want a girlfriend. Why? Huh? Yeah… a girlfriend…I KNOW I don’t want a boyfriend (too much of a headache) but a girlfriend I might be able to work. And then not too long ago one of the FEW lesbians I have met who was cool within herself as well as cool with my bisexuality returned to the city…a coincidence.. maybe maybe not… and I suppose the fact that me and Tfemale get along soooooo well. *grins* hm.. maybe that is what turned my head that way. Or maybe I want somewhere to spill all this love that I can’t direct to the folx who are creating it (CAK & MJW). So I will find an outlet somewhere…I need to fall in love with someone who is accessible and stay away from the gay&orconfused&orfar-away folx. *pops in Jamiroqui and FIRMLY squashes the urge to start a can-can line around the office*
I’m babbling and I keep coming back to Word expecting more lines to have written themselves.. that is another one of my issues…I expect so much to happen on it’s own without my help…things just HAPPEN around me *laughs* maybe maybe maybe
I will find religion
and fall before a god I have never seen
and maybe just maybe I will wake up one day
and this has all been a dream
and maybe just maybe
I will be everything that I have ever wanted to be
which I think is held in the idea of…

Staying Jazzed.

Pulls Me Into the Pit...

*sighs* I write the best poetry & stuff like that when I hurt cuz then I have a mirrored egg around my heart and nothing but me exists in there.

The sweetest thing from this weekend…holding Tfemale in my arms as she came and kissing and stroking her face gently and having her turn to me with a kiss.
I can’t get emotionally involved with T&T.. I KNOW this with all consciousness.

(I am writing this right after the previous one..cuz I can’t stop writing…but oh I am SOO good at denial and ignoring things that hurt too much to look at straight on)

But at the same time…we get along so well. What Am I saying? We click...we act like old friends and new sistas… I like talking to her…about all sorts of things.. she likes the same tings I do. I am too loving of a person and I can FEEL my heart stretching out trying to wrap it’s fingers around her/them and hold them close...but I know it would be/will be madness.. They are married. To each other.. and a third person is till a third wheel no matter what.
Ow… I want to babble on about tings unimportant and inconsequential…and let everything else flow away and be free. I want to think about the color of my nails and what boy likes me and whether it’s gonna rain. I want to be able to drift off in a memory bliss. I want to fall in love so hard and so good that the concept of pain doesn’t even exist. I want to be who ever I want to be. I want to dance through life with a light heart and fragile feet…balanced on the edge of utter misery. Whoa. Emotional turmoil…signaled by sudden digestive stress. I will NOT go there… not today…not tonight. But I can’t ignore it. *side steps jerkily…* like a black hole my pain pulls me towards it. And the more I write about it the smaller it becomes. Ah. It doesn’t hurt as bad as I though it did. In fact I could almost sit her and lie to myself and say that it doesn’t hurt at all…but that would not be very Jazzy. *sighs* I don’t want to cry anymore...and I don’t want to harden up like old cement…
Work certainly allows you to distract yourself… I understand workaholics now.. they do it for the blunting. It’s time for me to go home…so I’m going to leave….and try my damnedest to…

Stay Jazzed.

Two sides of a single coin...love & pain

I managed somehow to avoid calling MJW this weekend.. oh yeah. I wasn’t HOME. That was it. Me & nee had a lovely long convo about him & me and stuff. *shakes head* she still insists that we WILL get married at some point many many years down the road. My heart can feel that happening… *laughs* but my head can’t. Nee actually understood that I was too afraid of him to really totally open up because I am so much in love with him. And with that level of love, hurt can occur so easy. And he is the kind of person who hurts others without even knowing it. Just as part of himself he wounds and stabs and cuts...and doesn’t really understand how to hug and apologize for it later. *sighs* I am slowly growing towards a point of forgiveness and forgetting…for the year. Mainly because he doesn’t even KNOW what he was doing. IT wasn’t out of maliciousness.. it wasn’t out of dislike…it was just MJW being himself. I don’t know… I guess we are each going through our times and our lives and at some point that will once again walk to same path.

As for me & CAK… *thinks* I think that life has returned to almost normal... I still get flashes of our time together…and I still wish that the time could have been longer...but he is coming down here in August. *grins* when there will be NO one else here. No mommy.. no friends…no Nee. Just me & CAK...*sighs* somehow I think that it will be an interesting(in the best of ways) few days. I have to get the tickets to the concert soon. Like…Thursday. *smiles* As he said…good music.. good fun & a good friend. All I have to do now is cook a good meal and we will be set. *thinks* My feelings flared up to a fever pitch…but now they have settled back down into something steady.

*sucks in breath* I really think I hate email sometimes. *breathes slowly*
My heart hurts. My head hurts. My stomach hurts.
Damn.
I can’t even explain it. I am all off balance and out of whack and just confused. Damn. Oh shit that hurt. Maybe I’m reading too much into it. Maybe I’m not getting what he is saying. Maybe I’m tripping. But damn. The hardest thing in the world for me to do is to open up my gut and let everything spill out. I don’t trust easily, and I hurt too easy to do that. And it is even harder for me to keep opening myself up after I have been punched repeatedly. Reading between the lines is a hard thing. Oh shit that hurts…moral authority? Ow. Okay I’m babbling right now.. and I don’t know what I’m saying...but I’m sitting here trying not to cry trying to figure out what just went on there. I sent CAK a very long email detailing the events of the weekend…and I just got his reply and…I don’t know.. I am feeling like a whorish slut in the worst sense of the word. *shudders* I don’t know…but oh that hurts. I can’t even pull out a line and say this… .this here is what hurt. He said he was upset and so he might sound cold but... how much of it was coldness and how much of it was the utter truth finally coming out?
This is why the closer you get to me the less I tell you The closer you are to my heart the fewer protections I have against your thoughts, opinions and words…I become hyper sensitive to every nuance of your tone/word selection. I become open to whatever you offer good or bad. *frowns* and then…*shakes head* damn. That hurts. He called me by an ex-girlfriends name…*frowns* AH! And in that lies the problem…the hurt. I have never had to defend myself against him. I have been able to lay everything before him and never have to worry about being judged and deemed worthy or less than worthy. OW. Now he judges me and damns me in the same breath. With a single word. Ow. I tried to reply to the entire email…(we carry on e-conversations) and couldn’t. I was getting too hurt and too upset and just too overwhelmed. Damn. I had to fold my hand and close off my heart. I might try to reply to it later tonight.. or I might just leave it alone. *takes a deep breath* When I’m hurt I tend to curl up into a tiny ball of emotionlessness...showing nothing...not what is true not what is not. I shun everyone. Damn…*sighs* the hardest thing in the world is going forward when one KNOWS of the pain that can lie ahead…damn…*shakes head* my head hurts. But I have to keep writing. I am NOT going to let this sit inside of me and fester…OW. *sighhhhhhs* I hope it rains…this has just totally rocked my equilibrium. And for really no reason. Damn. I can’t stop writing cuz if I stop writing I’ll start thinking... and I don’ t want to think right now.
Are eyes the windows to the soul
or are they tiny corners of the heart
pulled away and put on display
to exhibit that which you can
not prevent and only remotely
know.

Stay Jazzed.

The Semi-Regular DM Entry

*smiles* This is my regular Kudos to the DM entry.

Kudos.
Kudos.
Thank you & some other stuff.
With each change you make some bugs are introduced…but it keeps getting better.
I thank you for the chance to spill & share & remain silent all at once.
I havve decided that when I say DM it just means the ‘actual’ DM (if there still IS one) as well as all of hir staff.

Have I said thank you very much already??

Jazzybelle.

Front Back Side to Side

Ohhhhohhhohhh……. *humms & rocks to Les Nubians*

Morning everyone…I am feeling pretty good today. I had a nice long weekend. It is incredible how long some weekends can be compared to how short others are. My last entry talked about a swinger’s party that I was going to on Saturday…well I went. And I had loads of fun. I’m not going to detail what went on, because 1) I don’t think the DM would be happy about that & 2) it would take too long for me to write it all. But I do want to talk about other things that came up from the party. I don’t know exactly what I want to say, so I will (as usual) just kinda flow along with it. When I first got there I felt kinda odd, but there was a very relaxed atmosphere…everyone was friendly...into each other and very open. *thinks* It’s hard to describe...but there was a feeling of family. I have been in many places, with even odder groups of people, but never have I felt so immediately welcomed. I have been among groups who to all intents and purposes were VERY much like me, same school, same sex, same color, around the same age…and I did not receive the unconditional welcome that I got there. I know T&T told me that there was a strict No means NO policy at the parties, and that I had nothing to worry about. Now I Wasn’t worried about anyone taking advantage of me.. I was more worried about being to nervous to really get into it. But…the couple I went with and I clicked so well that I had no fear. *smiles* It was fun. More than JUST the sex…but the ….I don’t know…companionship I guess…. It is really hard to describe.
Anyway.. I enjoyed myself….but the weekend brought up some problems… *sighs* and I don’t know how to handle them. For a while I was seriously attracted to the male portion of the couple I am swinging with, but now… the female portion is SOOO much more attractive to me. *frowns* This is my first regular threesome…but this time it was more of a twosome (her on me…or me on her… or…well you get the idea) and I think he felt kinda left out.. and I don’t know how to handle that , or if it is even MY place to handle it. I am leaving it up to Tfemale to decide how she wants to work it.. I hear them talking last night while I was out, regretfully...not what they were saying but just the fact that they WERE talking, and I hope they handled it…because I am really enjoying my time with them...but *sighs* I have to respect their relationship...which I think is a part of the whole thing. You have to understand...there is ALWAYS a primary relationship, and then there is a secondary one…sometimes both members of the primary have a secondary… sometimes they don’t. *sighs* and the fact that I think Tmale reallllly wants to ‘get’ with me, and Tfemale isn’t ready to take that step within their primary relationship is adding strain. Ah. Well….
*grins* I got TOYS yesterday…the dildo I got is too big…but I have already named the vibrator Black Magic….*laughs* I was too optimistic about the size of 1) an average man & 2) The size of a dildo…but I will be having fun with my other toy…I need to find a good lube that doesn’t irritate me…I am SUPER sensitive to almost every type of lube that is sold in those lil stores. I haven’t tried KY Jelly yet….but I might have to invest in some of that…cuz the side effects of using the wrong lube is…icky. *yawns* I neeed a god nap, but I am supposed to go music shopping with Nee tonight. God knows I don’t need to spend anymore money. *bounces* It’s a whole nother world out there little ones…with corners and cul-de-sacs far beyond any one persons imagination…I go off to explore…and always, through alll things, manage to….

Stay Jazzed.

Sexy Noises Turn Me on...

Friends are a rare and precious commodity.
I feel the need to write, but I really can’t pick up anything to say… *sighs* My fingers dance across the keyboards in random patterns …flashes of pink & brown & cream… *sighs* but nothing comes from them but madness…empty words & hollow phrases. *sighs* I think I might call MJW today. Just to talk… though I doubt the he is at home because he is going to be a tutor counselor at Upward Bound this year. *grins* poor baby. Nee went first, then him. They both keep saying that I have to do it one summer, but I don’t know. I grew so much while I was there, I don’t know if going back would… I don’t know...be detrimental to the process. *shrugs* Also.. I’m not comfy enough in myself to deal with those folx. I don’t feel THAT much of a grown up. And I can’t seem to tell them that I just don’t have the self-esteem to handle those kids... I just can’t do it…I’m a punk. I wonder how many people are aware of that? *laughs* folx…think that I am so strong and so calm and everything…but I live in constant fear, constant nervousness, a constant awareness of the fact that I am lesser than others. *shrugs* I have no clue where those emotions come from, or why or how…but I have always been this way. I remember I always asked my boyfriends… ‘why do you love me?’ I simply can’t understand what people see in me. I am a wonderful friend…mainly because I strive to be. I work damn hard at friendship. I try to do everything that I can for my friends, I try to be as supportive as possible…so yeah I can understand why folx are my friends… but lovers? I could never see what makes/made folx fall head over heels for me…what in me causes that kind of reaction. *shrugs* I don’t know… residue from an ugly childhood maybe?
Hm…and I wonder… going back to my relationship with JEH.. I realize that we tended to relate to each other in one of three ways… words (poetry…we both love to write), sex or….not violence.. but extreme physicality. And I know that now (at this point in my life) I tend to relate to people through sex. And I wonder if I am suffering from arrested development.. or if it is the aspect of my personality that I thought I had squashed raising it’s head to daunt me. For a lonnng time in high school (hell most of high school) I did my damnest to use sex to get whatever I wanted. And it worked for a good long time, especially with my last b.f. from high school. Whatever I wanted I got...through seduction or just outright withholding of the goodies. Bu anyhow... I weaned myself any from that in college.. or at least I tried to…and while those 3 years changed me (I am hopelessly sexual…even when I’m not trying to be) and I wonder if now, I wonder if that is part of the reason why I’m bi…because since I relate to people sexually , through those small signals that mean attraction/repulsion arousement/flaccidity, the I am attracted to women sexually because I relate to them (as people) sexually. *sighs* Damn… off to a meeting.
Back…for a hot second…this weekend will either be very dull or very exciting…
I will either be going to a swing party (and NO I’m NOT talking about the dance) on Saturday, or I will be chilling at home...or I will be out with Nee. Either way, I don’t see me getting on here much. *sighs* I wish everyone a nice weekend…and I ask that all of you….

Stay Jazzed.

Location of Conscience

Rain falls.
Wind Blows.
Fire…burns.

All things have their place, their own sphere of life that defines them. Sometimes I wish that I knew WHAT my sphere of life was, what defines me. I could find it in religion I suppose, but it seems that too many religions define me as a baby maker and a silent partner, which does NOT fit my nature. I could find it in a job, but…there are so many things that can be done, my mind boggles at the thought of managing to find the right one. So I’m drifting through life, tying to find my ‘niche’ My place, where I can best work my magic and feel my joy.
I used to think that I had skills…in writing and understanding. But I’m not so sure anymore, mainly because I have lost that…flow…that connection to words that made choosing JUST the right phrase almost second nature. I have lost something, that I’m not sure I can get back just by exercising the skill. I don’t know what I will do with myself…today or tomorrow.
I’m not sure if I have talked about this here, before, but I will do it now because I am facing a crisis of conscience. I have a very good friend (I have mentioned him before) called JEH. We were, about two years ago, an ‘item’ We had a great relationship, passionate, fun, serious…on occasion. HE started getting to serious...mentioning that M word and stuff, and I re-fell in Love with MJW. Those processes totally ended any hope of our relationship, but god knows, I remember more fun & good with him than with any of my other men. Annywayy… he has this girlfriend. They met in *thinks* October, and when they met she had a boyfriend. They ‘slept’ together for a while…almost 2 months, before she finally (and only due to MUCH pressure from JEH) broke up with her boyfriend. Mind you, she broke up with him...by having an argument, dropping him off, and never calling him back. *sighs* To continue, he is deeply, deeply in love with her. He wants to marry her. And I think that is all well & great & good. But...the problem is…she is a bitch. *shrugs* not just any kinda bitch, but a crazy one. She has pulled him away from all his friends (female & male) she doesn’t like for her to go out without, she...I won’t say MAKES, but she strongly encourages him to work two jobs so he can cover her bills…*sighs* And all this is going on while he is STILL trying to get out of school. I see abusive patterns written all over this. Emotional ( she throws fits & guilt trips any time she doesn’t get what she wants WHEN she wants it), physical (she slaps, bites & kicks him), verbal (calls him stupid, accuses him of cheating with anything in a skirt) ..and it worries me. *Sighs* but the things is...he is IN LOVE WITH HER. And I know, from previous experience, the love is most definitely blind. And… I don’t know. I want to be like JEH...you REALLLLY might want to break up with her before she breaks your heart……or head. But I know that he won’t take that in the spirit that I would offer it. So I am at a crisis point. I want to say something, but I’m not sure what I want to say or how to say it. I have already offered him a place to stay if she ever decides to kick him out, but.. *sighs* my protector genes are popping up again. I hate to see my friends hurt…by ANYONE…especially when I saw it coming. I want to try to save him from himself & his love basically, and I know it just won’t work like that. So...my crisis (to recap) is… do I say something and risk losing a friend because he isn’t ready to hear it…or do I stay quiet and act as a listening ear that is sympathetic to his agony of decision? SO far I have been doing the whole listening ear thing...and it is working pretty well….*sighs* but I am afraid for him. I am afraid that..something will happen between them that will totally change the kind of man that he is. We women have that power ya know… to completely alter the way one man looks at all of us. And I really don’t want her to even have the CHANCE to exercise that power against him.


Stay Jazzed.

Beauty Sleeps

Whooohoooo…I’m in SUCH a darn good mood for some reason. Sleepy.. yes.. but..*shrugs* cheerful mood. Hmm.. what shall be the topic for today? *laughs* I haven’t done a SCRAP of work today.. between carrying on an email conversation with CAK, running back and forth dealing with these data tapes, and arranging lunch for a training group.. *sighs* I have had an interesting day so far. Ah.. I know what I will talk about. The impression of beauty.

Hmm.. how to enter into this topic? It is something that every woman..(and maybe some men) deal with on a daily basis. Our own attractiveness.. what draws some people to others like honey to flies, and leaves others on the sidelines simply watching the world go by? I have been mulling this over for a while, as I have begun to feel less and less.. ‘attractive’. At least in the immediate physical way. *thinks* And it isn’t that I mind.. because I’m not really interested in finding anyone ‘for’ me. I’m not on the hunt...and I am not interested in being hunted. But still it is the little things that makes me wonder sometimes.. what is it that I’m missing that makes…me so different?
Okay.. I KNOW I am not the slimmest person around…but I carry all of my weight well.. *smiles* in...classically acceptable places. I don’t have the fly hair…but…my hair is gorgeous...at least to me. I guess the whole thing that I am dealing with is others perception of my appearance. I don’t do much to change what I look like. I rarely wear makeup, my hair style tends to be strictly functional...and.. *shakes head* I don’t know. Then…the thing that blows my mind is that Nee.. who is utterly lovely…worries the same way that I do. She is a size 8, gorgeous thick long hair, curvaceous...and yet she STILL worries about her appearance. She always wears makeup, and steady worries about her clothing & so forth. Why? *laughs* I always tell her I can’t take her anywhere because everywhere she goes she gets hit on. Yet she still worries about her looks. What are we (the both of us…and most women) striving for? I mean… I know that I don’t want to look like a fashion model (as my momma told me…only a dog wants a bone) I love my skin color.. I love the body that I’m in...but I don’t want it. I want to be something else…or at least look like something else.. in a conscious effort to become more attractive. But, at the same time… why am I trying to be more attractive...when I am not trying to attract anyone? *sighs* and why is Nee worried about her looks, when she looks like what most folx would WANT to look like. What are we striving for? What set of beauty is there that prevents us, no matter what we look like ,with being satisfied with it?


Okay...that is all I had to say about that. Lunch was wonderful.. there is this store called Eatzi's’. that is a grocery store/bakery...but of the gourmet type. *rolls eyes* It is so wonderful and good, and the free samples they give out REALLY do help. So I went there…got an utterly wonderful roast beef sandwich and some stuffed grapes leaves. Hey.. I eat odd stuff.

Feelinngsss....nothing more than feeellliiinngs

*yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnnn* I KNOW that beyond anything I am tired today. I am so tired that I rally didn’t feel like writing..but in the spirit of wiring regularly and (hopefully) improving my writing as I do so, I write. But due to my exhaustion.. I can’t think of anything smooth and graceful to write about. SO I will write about what is foremost in my mind right now…sleep. Yes sleep.. that state of unconscious where all that worries you drops away. Everything is perfect. Warm..silent…peaceful…ahhhhhhhhh. I don’t have nightmares…and rarely even have scary dreams. I just sleep…deep and peaceful. And that is what I want to do right now. Crawl under my desk and curl up in a ball under my big green sweater and sleep. *sighs* but Instead I have to stay awake and continue with the impression of alertness…at least for another hour. Then.. I agreed to go bowling tonight..but I might be able to get in a nap/ Naps are blessings. The world would be a better place if EVERYONE took a siesta. Yup.

Okay..feelings… (when I’m tired I tend to get really really…vague. Tin and filmy like light could go through me and air passes around me like I’m a tree.. I become very…. Elusive. Here not here)
The brush of silk pants across the top of a foot…a delicate stroke of fabric against skin…somehow saying summer and sophistication all at once.
The ache between shoulderblades from a too tight bra and long hours of seated typing. Narrowing down into a dull throb in the lower back begging for a new position a new chair something…like a nap.
The thrill of anticipation as the ‘check for new hotmail’ button is clicked…and the faint disappointment that nothing new is there..trickling down into an impatient watchfulness…caused by a need to write and communicate and share emotions as fully and completely as possible.
The sudden spike of joy at a new message…a familiar voice on the phone..anything that interrupts the dreary sameness of one account number & name & risk rating after the other…making spirits sink into a dull gray state of boredom…
Leather holding in a foot…the difference of brown skin and brown leather fading into a fuzzy brown sameness with glittering spots of ‘Tropical Mist’ tipping each one…
*sighs*
BOUNCE!

I need a massage. I need some new friends. I need to call all my old friends. I need to work out. I need to eat better. I need to write more. I need to learn faster. I need to graduate. I need to do SOMETHING with my life. I need to be happy. I need to be proactive. I need to be ‘on the ball’. I need to laugh more. I need to cry more. I need to be honest with myself. I need to love love. I need to respect fear. I need a hug. I need new clothes. I need a teddy bear. I need to WRITE my book I need to take pictures. I need to pause. I need to keep moving. I need to take a shower. I need to skinny dip in a spring. I need to rent “Much Ado About Nothing”. I need to be honest with others. I need to have another threesome. I need to drink more…water. I need to be more me. I need to….

Stay Jazzed.

I stand and I Sway....

Argh. I don’t know(I think that has become my favorite saying)…what I’m gonna do this summer with myself. Nee is here and she is a real go out and get them kinda person…not the homebody.. yet me.. when I come home I just wanna rest. So anyhow.. last night s he convinced me to go out and just hang. *yeech* Now while I REALLY didn’t wanna go out. I went… and I had fun. *shrugs* I would have preferred to stay home…kick it…chit chat…all that sorta stuff, but I DID have fun when I went out. SO why am I bitchin? Because…I don’t LIKE going out…really I don’t. The thought of going out and meeting new people face to face is like...yeech. Who wants to actually sift through the scum of people who are out there? *shrugs* I don’t really feel like being a social person. I’m not shy.. I just don’t wanna be around strange people. But once I’m out there… I just turn ‘on’. And yeah.. I am fully conscious of being in my ‘on’ state…because my off state is an utter party pooper. So I don’t know…and being sleepy isn’t really assisting in my thought process. I must go and move around. Argh.

Back…I am so hungry, but my stomach is feeling so funky I don’t know if I really want to eat. *sighs* get something bland and mild and warm and...urrgghhhhh.

I feel much better….*sighs* I don’t know what the devil is wrong with me. *smiles* SO far I have only fallen asleep once today. We were supposed to go to a comedy club but… hm I don’t know If I will go. I need to get some sleep something terrible. And I need to cook. Umph. I don’t know…I am considering getting dreads. (yeah…this is a hair day) I love it to no end but. *sighs* I’m gone.. I am babbling just to be babbling and that is not good… although I have heard that you should write every day if you are trying to get into the habit of it, without worrying about WHAT you are writing. Just write.. something..anything.. to get yourself used tot he process. SO I guess my babbling is doing SOME good in the long run. *sighs* I’m gone… and whatever you do…

Stay Jazzed.

Faling in Love (Part 2)

I actually wrote a second ending to that poem...and I always lose it. I wrote it at a point where I WAS in love & in a relationship with the same person (most likely MMM) and I changed it a little.. and all ican remember of it was the last line

fallin in love is fun
but staying in love is
everything.

or something like that...*sighs* I shall have to tear up my house looking for it now....

I want to be in a painless love. *sighs* but that only occurs with a child..and often.not even then. *littel light bulb goes off* hmmmmmmm.....

Stay Jazzed.

And of all things that are True...remember these.

I have determined…through a long and painstaking process… that life in general sucks when you are tired. And since I seem to be tired all the time (and it is far too early for PMS exhaustion) life always sucks. *sighs* anyway…I don’t know what I want to write…I want to do something… *shrugs* peaceful…maybe I will take pictures. Nee doesn’t have to go to work until Thursday, so she will be going some exploring and running around and stuff. I’m glad, because I kept forgetting to get some keys made for her. *sighs*

I have dangerous tendencies. But I don’t feel like talking about them right now…between food & sex I could kill myself quite...painlessly. *sighs* I need to go and do some work…

Voices seduce me…I LOVE listening to some people talk…they have voices that wrap around you and kiss you up your spine and around your ears without even touching you. *shivers* and considering how much I talk on the phone I hear certain voices all the time…those sexy sexy sexy voices …

Okay… A dream journal… I had a lovely dream last night…

I was a queen…of some place that still had magic and demons and faired and the like. It was my wedding day… for some reason, my weeding would make the world…a better place for good…so all trough the entire preparations for the weddings…things were going wrong…rings were disappearing...people were vanishing, everything that COULD go wrong...did go wrong…somehow…I was whisked away and put into a deep sleep…when I woke up I was furious… I ran through the lower levels of the palace screaming that everyone in the weeding party would have to meet in five minutes…and when we met I checked each of them over...and had the wedding right there. My husband…oh he was a wonderful wonderful man…kind and generous and loving, and I was soo totally in love with him… and it is like our joining made our kingdom stronger… somehow by us getting married..so much changed for the world in a better way.

The next part was much later….about two or three years…and we had been trying to have a baby for some time…I was in the floor.. crying about something….and he came in with a pregnancy test… and I was pregnant…I can remember seeing the test so clearly… the words that were on the test…it was something beautiful. I was speechless and *sighs* there are no words to express my joy..our joy at that moment. It was something that utterly overwhelmed us.. and I remember seeing this scene through a rose colored film…soo gorgeous.

The next part was about four months later…*smiles* because I was four months pregnant…and for some reason we were at a magical war. Someone (the same force that was trying to prevent the wedding) was attacking us.. trying to pull down the strength that we had created by our joining and by the conception of our child. It was myself.. my husband his mother and one of our advisors…sitting around a table trying to decide our path in this war. I was so queenly.. motherly and womanly… I GLOWED with my pregnancy.. and.. *Sighs* the love that filled the room was overwhelming…It was like…incredible.
Then…(of course) my alarm went off.

I don’t know what is up with me… I have been having a series of pregnant dreams. (NO I am NOT pregnant) and… they are always so lovely…each one has me and some family and my husband (yes a MAN that I have married) in them…in different times and different settings… but the main thing is that I m carrying a child. *sighs* maybe it is symbol of some kind of birth process that is going on within me somehow?

Somehow before I go to MJW with my truths.. I have to be at peace with them fully within myself. *sucks in breath* the same way that I have began to come to peace with how I look & think…I have to be at peace with how/what I feel. And that will be hard….but with grace, and friends (*hugs*) and the power that in within & without me…I will

Stay Jazzed.

Readings & Ramblings

Okay….I lied. I am not ready to go to bed.. my stomach still hurts. any way.. *deep calming breath* I need a drink. No I don’t… is THIS how folx become addicts? SO I will talk about something not totally dissimilar.. but close enough to being far away that I can live with it…. yeah.. I’m skirting around the edges again. Anywwaayy..

The Simple Stack & the Love Stack . I have two decks of cards.. 52 cards each.. that come from a series called ‘52 ways to..’ whatever. The two I have are 52 ways to stay in love forever and 52 ways to simplify you life. I can’t find (how ironic eh? ) the Love stack.. so I did a reading on the Simple stack. My readings? *sighs* they are kinda like tarot and kinda like a focusing of what I’m feeling… more the focusing than the tarot. I sit somewhere quiet and still and close my eyes and shuffle the cards. And as I’m shuffling I ask the question of MYSELF that is troubling me..as it relates to that stack. Like today.. I asked… what can I do about MJW that would allow my life to be simpler? See? relating to the simple stack. So.. then I spread out the cards.. and leaving my mind blank move my hands until I feel a tingling in my fingertips.. yeah I know it is most likely just my focused awareness of the blood in my body… but it works for me. I select five cards. The first is what is troubling me.. (where I am failing) the next three are things I can do to solve that problem.. the last one is a possible result of me NOT changing. So….I do readings….they work..most of the time.. in simply allowing me to focus on what I need to handle…and when they don’t.. I go through the deck itself.. and pull out card s that ‘speak’ to me…and read them and listen to what I’m trying to tell myself. It is kinda sad that I ignore my subconscious so fully. Kinda sad and kinda scary… so those are my readings… *sighs* I have the biggest headache right now…

Why is it that I LIKE taking other women’s men away from them?? *shakes head* I get a horrible thrill is seducing a man who is already committed… I can FEEL myself using tricks and flirting and doing things that I KNOW are wrong.. why? *shrugs* the lust of the chase is strong in me… but this.. this is RIDICULOUS…. I have learned to NOT rust myself around my friends boyfriends… I’m so fucking friendly.. *snorts* So many small things that could easily mess up my life and all the relationships a round me. Yet some…I respect too much to even PRETEND to touch.

I found out last night that some of JEH's (an ex) friends don’t like me because of the way I broke up with him. I broke up with him.. over the phone.. the summer of 1997…by telling him that I had become engaged to MJW. yeah… exceptionally fucked up. I know. he was fucked up for a while over that too… *sighs* I KNOW that somewhere down the road.. I will get slapped in the face with something like that too..cuz love be damned…he didn’t deserve that.
Yet.. no one questions my forgiveness (which I STILL don’t understand why I did ) of the fact that a mere year before that.. he told my THEN boyfriend (MMM) that I came to THEIR dorm..while MMM was there…. fucked him (JEH) more than once..and had been doing this for a while. An utter absolute fuckin lie…and why did he do it??? I never actually got a satisfactory reply from him..and I can’t understand it. I wonder if they know what we have put EACH other through.. and even if the y do..what business is it of theirs? *sighs* Yeah what I did was fucked up…. yeah what he did was fucked up… but we have both MOVED beyond it and are still friends…. that should say SOMETHING about the quality of people we feel the other to be. *shakes head* hell… I don’t understand humankind (including my self sometimes).

*sighs* I honestly think that I do suffer from depression. I realized a few days ago that ther wewas a time where I would feel a wonderful oneness of being… everything was wonderful and I was so full of joy I thought that I might BURST…but I haven’t felt that way for a while.. I realize that I actively DON’T w ant to be around people…I don’t know. Nee is fine.. I like having her here.. she is a friend..a close person.. I can handle that..but the thought of going out and dealing with others 8shudeers* I’d much rather stay at home ..thanks… so… I saw this ad in the paper looking for folx who exhibit some of the signs of depression.. and they will give you some ‘test’ to see if you suffer from it and then you will do this medical test thingy.. *yeah* I know.. I might grow horns.. but if I can be happy again… I don’t think I would mind…

I really do miss CAK now…I hope that we can be friends still..like we were before… with no thought or hope of a relationship.. *sighs* I don’t know if that is fair to him..but god knows.. sometimes I just need to hide away from love and sex and all this shit and go to someone who..I don’t know… who loves me & who desires me..but is utmost and above my friend. Someone who will understand that sometimes a hug can cure almost anything that ails you…that sometimes you just to fall asleep in someone’s arms… and wake up still there..and requires no words to say that it is all better now.. *sighs*

I don’t know what the hell I want. I want everything to be quiet just for a little while. *shakes head* I think that is why I have never considered killing myself. Suicide is SOOOOO permanent. I mean there is NO turning back.. and I try not to leave myself with only one way out.. it tends to mean bad things will happen.. so although I DO wish it was quiet and I had no worries and no fears and just NOTHING… I don’t want to die.. I just want to go to sleep for a really long time….and wake up to everything being much much better….*sighs* shades of blue…. I am tired. I am always tired. I need to be a vampire. They are dead but not. yeah…sleep for a LONG time…*sighs* I want all this shit to GO AWAY. NOW! but until it does… I will strive…and survive…and…

Stay Jazzed.

Perchance....

The extents the human heart will go to avoid stuff is absolutely freaking AMAZING. *sighs* I really DON’T want to talk about this or deal with it, and because of that I KNOW that it is something of vital importance to me. And things are simply ganging up on me….trying to force me to face what I am afraid of square in the face. Okay.. to put it simply and far less clearly than it needs to be but,.. I am in love..deep head over heels unlike any other… with a gay man. oohhh yeah.. shades of "object of my affection". Why? *shrugs* no clue.. I dare not try to examine my love for him too deeply. I have loved him since….the summer of 93? 94? and…. never has it been returned. As I have said before…he is a…closed off person. I have learned a lot of what I know about shutting down & shutting off emotions from him…not always by example, but more for my own protection. An uncontrolled heart can be a blade in one’s soul…and he has cut me up something terrible.

*sighs* And now Nee wants me to face him. Between her.. and this absolutely FRIGHTENING horoscope and my reading this morning in the Simple Stack (more on that later)..and the fact that I KNOW I will utterly lose any kind of friendship I have with him if I don’t face this NOW….*sighs* I have to peel off my scabs and face him anew…open heart open hands. Face him with what? the truth.. in all of it’s agonizing shamefulness. (why is it shameful.. I don’t know..I’m flowing with what I feel) of the fact that I have been so head over heels in love with him for so long that almost our whole relationship (at least from that side) is based on that. The fact that I am AFRAID of him..simply because he holds my heart in his hands.. and doesn’t even know it… the fact that the REAL reason that I am so indifferent to him now is because I had to STOP caring about him in order to STOP hurting because I was under the delusion that he loved me a little too…. I have to admit that as much as I LIKE his boyfriend…. it broke my heart when they got together.. and when they stayed together.. and he is the ONLY person I have ever had to deal with the green eyed monster of jealously over. I have to spill my guts & my heart & my soul and god knows I have never been able to do that with ease…and certainly not without a great deal of pain.

My heart hurts.
My stomach hurts.
I want to cry…and I haven’t even mustered up the courage to email him or call him yet. What is this madness? is THIS what they call love? *shakes head* is THIS why I have run away madly from any other kinda love that even had the POTENTIAL to become strong & true and forever.. is THIS why I can’t trust my heart…because I LARGE chunk of it still belongs to him?? *sighs* I don’t know… I don’t know what I’m going to do.. Nee says that I should invite him down.. but.. *shakes head* I can barely TALK to him without tides of anger and bitterness and fear threatening to overwhelm me and make me say things that my ears aren’t ready to hear…and my heart isn’t ready to deal with…seeing him.. oh god. I would be no more good…. but I can’t keep hiding behind my cold wall. *shakes head* I miss him so much sometimes it HURTS. I cry for no reason…I daydream over a man on the bus that looks like him.. I feel like an UTTER fool..yet I can’t stop.. *sighs* I want to be OUT of love with him soo bad it HURTS. and I have tried everything I can think of to do it… form fucking others to loving others to hating him….and none of it has worked. I need to purge my heart of his love and simply leave the friendship. Dammit. I don’t know… I KNOW he cares… otherwise we would have never stayed friends this long.. but I KNOW he doesn’t care the way I do..and that hurts like hell. *sighs* Shit.. I mean what can I do… I have to do it.. I have to… I have to tell him again and again.. but what difference will it make? what SENSE will it make ? I lost those daydreams of us falling madly in love WITH EACH OTHER and flying off to some paradise place and getting married and living happily ever after. Yeah.. that one is gone… I have even partially lost the idea of having his kids.. (oh YEAH.. I wanted him to be my baby’s daddy..)..all I want know is his friendship…and that has become so tied up..for me.. is the love I have for him..*shakes head* I don’t knOW… have I said that often enough yet??? I just DON"T FUCKING KNOW. and I hate not knowing… I hate being lost in…myself. Shit. Shit shit shit…..and shit some more…..

Damn it all.

I hate this feeling. and it is supposed to be the best thing ever right? Well… I’m going to try to go to bed…and sleep…perchance to NOT dream…and I WILL..by all that is within & without me….

Stay Jazzed.