Spewage

Writing things out provide me with a clarity that I simply cannot achieve mulling them over in my head - I tend to forget too much, too easily. That's not truly accurate - it's not that I forget, I simply lose track.
I plan my splurges for each month. This months splurge(s) were all food related - the BiVersity dinner, and the 100buck dinner for me and Corey. Next monthes splurge is going to HAVE to be an A&P study guide. And an GRE/MAT study guide. And a Petersons Guide to Nursing. Because if - just if - I decide to go back to school (which I want to do anyhow) I need to start getting ready to apply soon. And because of one other thing - one of the schools... actually TWO of the schools that I could go to are in the Cincinati area - where Corey already lives. And if- just IF - I decide to to to school for nursing, it would be most convienent to just move down there....
I'm really scared now. I'm scared because suddenly - this is really really possible.
Eep.
I've yet to tell my mother - mainly because I know that I need a full plan before I start talking to her about it. The fact that she went through nursing school makes her a fabulous resource however.
Oh scary.

Conflict

I hate hate hate when I have a plan all laid out in my head, and then someone comes along who I respect and makes a suggestion that TOTALLY hoses my plans.
I KNOW that I want to be a midwife, but there are a couple of different paths to take, and each kind has its own benefits and disadvantages. The thing that makes this even more delicate is the fact that what midwife needs to legally practice and attend homebirths varies from state to state.
And I SOOO don't want this to end up being about money - at the same time I know that if I take the CNM path, not only is there a possibility of being able to get a grant or a fellowship, I would also be almost guarenteed a job after completion. And while I could work in a hospital (which is always a good fallback) I'd much rather work in a birthing center or attend homebirths. However, the glitter of a job is rather distracting.
What do I want? I want to help families birth their children naturally, in an environment that supports their desires. I read a book called Giving Birth over the weekend that described the working environment of nursemidwives in SkyWay Hospital, which is one of the most midwife integrated hospitals in the US, and it was HORRID. They were wonderful examples of MEDwives rather than miwives. So... that along with other hospital experiences and just the general 'sick until proven healthy' attitudes that most hospitals have towards birthing mothers - UGH. I don't want to have to fight an uphill battle with my job and with politics.
I'm actually a little scared - I feel like suddenly I've been pushed to the edge and I have to make a choice. Not right this minute - but - the choice has to be made and nothing is certain in my mind.

Blurbles

All day, I've had random little thoughts come blurbling up into my head, and I haven't had time to jot them down - which is most likely what caused the headache I now have. However, I'm finally home, sitting in what must be the MOST comfortable chair ever, staring out of the porch window at a heavy rainfall, with a lovely bowl and a big cup of water next to me - and finally I can let all those blurbles out.
Excuse me.

I look down now, and instead of seeing a little pooch of belly through my shirt, I see nothing but softly waving cloth. Why does this make me feel like a battleship? I wish there was a way that I could test my thyroid at home - just to see if I have any issues. I'm doing the SAME thing that I've done before, being a little more active and eating a little less, and yet my weight loss has SLOWED to an almost halt. I'd hate to go into my doctor "Oh - I want a thyroid test to see if I can blame something outside of myself (figuratively speaking) for my slow progress". Hm. I'll have to look for one.

Why do so many people know my name - and why didn't I notice it before?

I've got babyfever, and I've got it bad - and somehow stumbling across all these attachment parenting/natural mothers on OD isn't helping the LEAST bit. I'm slowly becoming utterly terrifed that I will be one of the women who has a sick pregnancy and won't even be able to enjoy the joy & wonder that is being pregnant cuz of all the nausea and retching. Eep. I have to keep chanting to myself "I don't want to have a baby until I can afford to take at LEAST 6 months off and stay home with it" in order to keep myself on the straight and narrow. Interesting tidbit on A'ishah - the ONLY thing that I have ALWAYS known I've wanted to be is a mother. Only and always. Damn shame it doesn't pay.

I cleaned and cooked and read (3 OR 4 different books) and slept and ate and was with Corey and did a tiny bit of cleaning and spent only 1.60 (yay me!) and met some utterly fabulous homebirthing type people and just in general had a riproaringly fabulous weekend. OF course, I'm so very sure that taking Friday off had something to do with it, but I'm going to pretend like I don't know that and make EVERY weekend this wonderful.

I didn't manage to start on the Artist's Way however...

There are somethings that I want to do, but don't because I would feel like such a poser doing them. Somehow, I can't seen to consiously tell myself "Everyone started from a place of unknowing" and that I won't instantly have the knowledge and connections and know how of some of the people I meet. I must stop mistaking experience for determination. I think that may be why I miss school so - I miss being a part of a group of people going from unknowing to knowing at the same time and at roughly the same pace.

I talked to BOTH of my best friends yesterday - a first in I can't remember how long. M. had good news and bad news - the bad was he's not coming to the wedding *sob* the good - he got accepted into his doctoral program (which is why he can't make the wedding) *yay*. I do plan on rubbing in the guilt, and dammit I wish I had known earlier and I would have tried to make it home to suprise him at his graduation from gradschool. Ah well - I guess I won't see him again until the end of the year. It's going to be odd getting married without him there.
N. sounds like a stressed-out single mom - she's soo bloody ambitious that I don't know whether to pity her or admire her. I suppose I pity where she is now, and admire her drive to get where she wants to be. I wish I was closer to all of them. It seems like since the last time I was home, we've all made efforts to keep in touch with each other more. It's good - for awhile there I was afraid we we've drifting apart. Of course, N and M ARE drifting apart since the dumb fart hasn't called her since the baby was born. Which was in SEPTEMBER. I honestly don't understand why he does that to people - I mean I'm BAD, but not that bad.

I try so hard not to be holier than thou. It's sickening when I hear it coming from me, but dammit I know so much! I know and am more than aware that sometimes (a lot of times) I really don't know shit, but when I do know I want to share and I'm not sure how my 'sharing' is taken all the time. I think that is another reason why I have gone so quiet lately. I sometimes feel like what I'm saying has no value, and thus people easily dismiss me. Maybe I'm being too sensetive. (Yet another word I can never spell right). Or maybe it does have value and I'm talking to the wrong crowd so it would just be best if I shut up anyhow.

I have very good hearing and sense of smell - my mom always told me it was to make up for my piss-poor vision. Now that I can see 20/20 - will that advantage fade, or am I stuck with it? I still get paranoid about the peepers despite the fact that according to my doctor I would be a LASIK poster child. Every headache I get - I fret. Every dry eye - I freak out. Every instance of 'odd' vision, I think I'm going to go blind. They are very minor, very low grade freakouts - but my heart starts thumping all the same. I've got no CLUE of what normal healthy eyesight is like - so I assume that everything out of the ordinary is bad/dangerous - when in fact it might be quite normal.

Corey was overqualified for the transfer job. (Have I mentioned this already?) He has his eye out on several other jobs, and - I'm just such a party pooper. I have a very clear line drawn between wishing and reality - i.e. I wouldn't even CONSDIER looking at ads for Jaguars if I'm trying to stay under 15K in buying a car. He, on the other hand would. To him, it's just exploring the full range of possiblities - even if they are IMpossibilities. To me, it's just a waste of time. So - it's like that in his job search always. He will get excited about jobs that either aren't in the area or he doesn't have the qualifications for - and rather than get wrapped up in the magic of the description - I zoom right into the qualifactions or the location. Why get excited about something that has little possibility of even occuring? But - I've learned to tone down my UltraSensible voice, and bask in the occasional magic of what-if with him. I still always come back to ground first.

I think I might have allergies to something in Indiana. I lived in Atlanta (The Allergy Capital of the US) for 6 years with no allergytype issues. The FIRST spring I lived here, I thought I was going to die from some of the migraine like sinus headaches I had. Since then, every spring I've gotten this sudden spate of sinus headaches. And of course, I HATE HATE HATE taking OTC medicine of ANY kind - I've got to be reallllllly hard up to take an asprin, so I simply sit in silence and darkness, or take a nap until the headache fades away. Really - I need to leave before it turns into something more.

Dancing

*does a funky little half chicken half bellydancing move across the entry*
*percolates back to the topic at hand*

I'm not coming to work tomorrow. (Am I the only one who ALWAYS writes two m's and one r in tomorrow and have to constantly go back to correct it?) And - I'm getting paid still. And I get to sleep late and clean and read and straighten up and cook and watch a little tv and start working on The Artist's Way and snack and love on my kitties and start on my stretches and practice my belly dancing and be utterly and completely BY MYSELF for an entire day. And then - just as a cherry on the end of a day - the light of my life will show up around 11pm.
The very idea makes me smile and lay back and feel utterly relaxed like I'm fresh out of a hot shower on a slightly warm day.

Have a good Weekend, Yall.

Comparison

I'm sitting here debating if I'm going to spend 25 bucks for 125 bags of tea. It's Good Earth Original, Caffeine Free, Sweet and Spicy Herb blend. The stuff is FABULOUS - and I go through 2 bags a day. I ran out of that, and out of my ginger tea, so now I"m reduced to drinking some Celestial Seasonings tea. Bleh. It's odd how much my tastes have changed from drinking herb teas - the Celestial Seasoning teas just don't taste good anymore. The main reason that I'm holding abck from placing the order is because I don't really NEED the tea - I can drink my Celestial Seasonings just fine, and because I'm not totally sure that is the cheapest price I can find. I might swing by Trader Joes to see if they have any - and while I'm up there go to Costco again and see if they sell it - which I doubt.

I've got this coworker who has a daughter - a heavy girl - who got a breast reduction a few years ago. Ever since one lunch we went to together, she keeps trying to talk me into getting a breast reduction. Why? I - personally - happen to LOVE the shape of my body. I've got big hips, a big ole round ass, a (relatively) little wasit, and a pair of bodacious boobs. I'd like for everything to be a LOT smaller, but in general - the proportions are great. I'm very balanced body wise, and it puzzles me why she is so gungho about me getting the girls gouged. It would be different if I couldn't carry them - like if I was a size 6 and my boobs were still DDD. Or even if they DID fit - but my back was constantly hurting. But neither of those situations are true - and I doubt that they will be true for a good little while. Everytime I've lost weight, I've NEVER lost any boobage at all. In fact, my boobs tend to look like they get bigger when I lose weight because everything is getting smaller. I might get to a point (like the aforementioned size 6 with DDD's) that I might THINK about getting them reduced, but then again, I might not. Hell - women PAY to have boobs like mine, and I'm rather used to (and know how to handle) men who seem to think that my eyes are nipples. It's just an odd conversation to have to have with someone more than once. Besides - I think her daughters boobs are too small...

I'm being prolific today - enjoying the little corner of comfort I've carved out for myself at work. I've got pictures up, I've finally figured out (or lost enough weight) that I can sit cross legged in my office chair, and I've got LaunchCast to listen to. It's good.

Circular

I haven't started The Artist's Way yet. I keep putting it off, and I know exactly why. I'm terrified of finding out that actually - I'm not an artist, and I'll never be an artist. I'm frightened of holding up a mirror to my talent and my inspiration and see nothing worthy reflected back. I'm not sure that I'm supposed to be an artist - that I have any scrap of artistic ability or design in me - and that scares me as part of who I think I am is an artistic person.
Of course - part of the problem is the definition of artistic/creative. I can write - marginally. I can photograph - occasionally. I can't paint, or draw or dance or sing or scuplt or throw pots or any of that kind of 'artsy fartsy' stuff. However - I'm imaginative. I'm intuitive. I have a good eye for beauty and items of interest. I've got a great sense of color. I appreciate art in all of it forms, but I'm not sure that I can be a worthy creator of art.
Of course - that then leads into the question - what makes art worthy? It is being presented in a gallery? Is it being published? Is it the accolades of others? Is it just my own appreciation of what I've done? A classic cliche is that 'Beauty is in the eye of the beholder' and to me, art should be beautiful/interesting/intriguing to more eyes than just mine. But - what a sneaky catch-22 I present to myself - I'm afraid that I'm not a real artist, so I never expose my art to others, so I never have the chance to find out if I AM a real artist or not.
It's starting to come to a point where I HAVE to know, one way or another. I can't stay in this shamed limbo - where I don't feel comfortable claiming to be an artist, and I'm not happy thinking of myself as someone who isn't an artist.
I also wonder if my surrondings have anything to do with it - in school I felt like much more of an artist than I do now. I had - exposure to such a wide variety of things that my mind was constantly in a state of creative ferment. Now, I feel like my colors are dull and blurred, and my art comes out the same way - dull and empty. Yet, I'm not willing to place the 'blame' on my surrondings - true artists turn their surroundings into art, no matter how ugly they are.
Maybe my problem is with my pre-concieved notions of what an artist has to be.
An artist should be...
unique
openminded
passionate
intensely focused
constantly producing
communally focused
political
talented
effortless
different
flighty
free-spirited
inventive
charismatic
dedicated
obsessed
unencumbered
poor
unstable
surrounded by beauty or conflict
inspired

MerriamWebster tells me that an artist is:
1 : one who professes and practices an imaginative art
2 : a person skilled in one of the fine arts
3 : a skilled performer; especially : ARTISTE
4 : one who is adept at something

That's a much less demanding definition - essentially it tells me that the intention and the practice of art is all it requires to be an artist. I have the intention - that is always there with me, it's the practice in which I slip up at,and the more pratice I have, the closer I will come to being skilled. And The Artist's Way is supposed to help you with JUST that - recovering my creativity from a variety of blocks, including limiting beliefs, fear, self-sabotage, jealousy, guilt, addictions, and other inhibiting forces, replacing them with artistic confidence and productivity. Yes - I think that if I'm not yet an artist, I can become an artist. I'm taking tomorrow off, and I will start The Artist's Way .

What a painful circle that was.

Mosaic

I'm sour today. I look at life with lips tightly pursed, wondering why things are the way they are. I know why I"m sour too - I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling like a tree in high wind - fighting to hold onto what I feel is good and right rather than slipping into doing that which is merely easy. I'm tired of feeling like a solitary tree, where what I'm feeling and thinking cannot be understood or reflected back or even discussed amoung those that I spend most of my time with. Burnout maybe? It can't be - I can't afford to be. I feel useless, as if what I do can be easily done without.
I've always known and accepted the fact about myself that I feel better as a person the more 'needed' I am. The more involved I am as a functional requirement of any team, the better I feel - especially if I'm SUPPOSED to be part of the team. I'm also perfectly happy working on my own - then I'm the MOST important part of the team. Lately though, I've felt more or less worthless. I've felt as though I'm an empty chair - and really, that doesn't help my mood any. I don't feel connected to ANY of my coworkers in any work related way, and it's too early for this to be happening! I'm not ready to separate and leave, and I can feel myself angling towards that.

---

Corey's coming to town tommorow, and that thrills me to absolutely no end at all. I can't wait to hear any progress he's making towards this position. The last I heard, an interview will be needed since it's not a direct transfer, but a transfer and a promotion. So, that's exciting because it would mean more money & responsiblity, both of which thrill him.
I was mildly domestic yesterday - I cleaned the kitchen (mostly) and cooked some stewed jicama. Well - it's actually still cooking as jicama is one of the toughest roots known to man - it was in the crockpot on high overnight, and this morning it was STILL hard as a rock.
I really need to vacuum though, and I'll do that tonight after class.
I got a letter in the mail yesterday from my apartment complex - which is most unusual in the fact that they actually WASTED a stamp, considering I live right across the lane from the leasing office. However, it was a more official notice, letting me know that my lease will be up in July, and telling me what my rent would be for each type of re-signing. It looks like it actually goes down by about 50 bucks, and they give me several options of 'rewards' for signing another yearlong lease. I can get new tile (nope), a celing fan (maybe), 50 dollars off of one month of rent (nope) or a carpet cleaning (highly likely). The previous residents had a cat that pissed all over the carpet in the second bedroom. My cats, being cats, have proceeded to whiz all over the OTHER cats smell. Thus - a carpet cleaning would be a wonderful thing, but what they really need to do is replace the carpet in that room. However, the likelihood of that happening is roughly nil, so a cleaning is a good option. However, considering the fact that even if they DO clean the carpet, they still might piddle on it, the ceiling fan might be a more wise choice. If I get the fan, I will be able to cut down on the energy bill this winter - it will push all the hot air down from the vaulted ceiling in the living room.
I feel absolutely horrid about the fact that I can't STOP them from doing it - what kind of pet mother am I? I keep the boxes clean, and they are roomy, and there is more than one, and they don't have any physical problems, they just like piddling on the carpet.
I kinda don't want to go to class tonight, more because I want to crawl into a hole and pull the opening in behind me than a real dislike of the class. I wonder if I can take tomorrow off? It's the middle of testing, but I'm not DOING any testing, and really, I'm not doing anything. I think I will try - I've got shitloads of vacation to burn. It looks like I've only taken one day off thus far this year - and that was for my eye appt. No - that's not true - I was off the 20th of Jan too - but that was because I didn't have a car to get back here, not of my own free will - so I don't think that counts as vacation time. Even so, I get 12 days to start, I purchased a 5 days of vacation, and Lilly (bless their little hearts) gives you 5 days of vacation when you get married. Plus, we get one floating holiday this year, so all together, I've got 23 days of vacation - without counting in the company holidays. Ah yes, I SHALL miss the vacation when I leave here. Anyhow, I know that I am going to burn 10 days on the wedding, and I've used one, so that leaves me 11 days to paly with for the rest of the year. I can't afford to go on any long trips anywhere, so I won't need a chunk of vacation for a trip. So....yeah, if I can get it, I'm DEFINITELY taking tomorrow off.

Well....

Let's see - what's gone on since my last post? I've ordered the candy for the favors, and I've got a little book of love quotes for the tags on the bags. Other than that - not a damn thing. I keep forgetting to send the photographer the damn contract - I will HAVE to do that this weekend.
Speaking of which - I'm not sure when to schedule the pictures. I really want to split it - two hours during the day, shortly after the ceremony/during the reception to get pictures of everyone there and the ceremony, then pictures of us around Vegas in the evening as I TRULY want a good picture of us in front of the Bellagio fountains at night. Besides - I really don't want to tramp all over Vegas in the heat of the day with a wedding dress on, thankyouVERYmuch. I shall ask her next time I see her on IM if she can work with that.
What else? I've started thinking about starting to work on the invitations. There really is no reason to wait until I actaully NEED the invites to start working on them, right?
I also need to go and try on my dress - which I am SO not looking forward to. I wanted to be able to buy a 'regular' sized dress so that I could save the 60 bucks (which I know will go right back into the alterations) but unless a miracle happens, I'm not going to be out of a 14W by the time I would need to buy a dress. Unless they have a VERY short (as in 2 weeks or less) lead time to get the dress in the shop, I'm going to have to buy the dress by mid July. But - one good thing is at least THIS time I will be able to take pictures and send them about. Shit! I need to call my maid of honor.

jasmyn

Grounding

I don't like waiting for anything. The light to change, a website to come up, my weight to come off. I get uptight, grumpy, twitchy, and just generally aggravated.

I've realized that most of the time, it's not a crucial issue. It's not something that would cause any harm to me - but I allow it to stress me out. I think part of the issue is that I feel like I MUST be doing something all the time, and that leaves me so wound up that there are times that I just crash into doing absolutely nothing at all.
I'm still working on the first habit, and I think that I've done good thus far as far as the job and my money is going. I know that it won't happen instantly, but at least I'm working towards where I want to be.
One of my splurges last week was a magazine 'SageWoman' from Borders. One of the articles was about grounding yourself in time - acknowledging the wonder and beauty of each moment rather than constantly looking either forward or back. That's been bubbling in my mind since I read the article, and while I was doing yoga last night I realized that it is an excellent practice for being fully aware of the moment. So - that is my next goal - to become much less impatient. To slow down and be willing to wait a little for good things - or anything to come. To not twitch when the driver in front of me doesn't take off the second the light changes. To not feel the need to have two IE windows open so that I can look at something while I'm waiting for the next page to load. To be able to breath and take a second to BE in the moment - whether it's a good or a bad one.
Perhaps this will help me be a more balanced person - to be able to go through life with a consistent level of energy rather than wild spikes of energy and sloth. Also - I'm trying to get in touch with me - the bellydancing classes have shown me just how out of touch I am with myself. I want to be this peaceful, green, centered, loving person and I can't get there without being in touch with my emotions and the root causes for them. I should be able to manage my reactions to life to insure that I am living the life of the woman I want to be.

Production

Sunday, Corey and I started muttering about when we wanted to start trying to have children again. He said - right after we get married? and my mouth fell open. He quickly elaborated that yes, he did remember that we wanted to wait until we were a little more settled and financially secure and all that - but yeah.
I still want to wait - but at the same time I don't want to, but I know it's smarter if we do. I'm thinking that June 2004 might be a good time to start - right after we move to wherever we end up going. :)

I went home and cooked my tail off last night. I made 2 pans of stir fried 'rice', a pot of barbecue sauce which I imeadiately used up on some chicken breasts and a pork loin (for pulled pork), a pot of parmesan spinach, a pan of shepards pie, a pot of hot wings, and 3 kinds of pudding (white chocolate, butterscotch, and pistascio). My kitchen looks like a hurricaine swept through it, but MAN I had fun. I managed to make a little room in my fridge, but not nearly enough. Tonight, I might make some lasagna to get rid of a couple of the containers and veggies, but I'm not sure if there will be room to put anything in there.

I've scheduled myself to go to a couple of Meetups through that Meetup.com place. I've picked the bookcrossing one, a homebirth one, and a pagan one. I was scheduled to go to one tonight, but eh - I don't feel like dealing with outsiders. I have this urge to vaccum my living room - and since the cooking madness took me over yesterday - I was in the kichen from the time I got home at 5:30 until I finally crawled into bed at 11:30 - AFTER I talked myself out of starting another dish - I really didn't have any time to clean. Wow - I shold procrastinate like that ALL the time. So, tonight - I think I will stay at work until 5, then head home, start washing clothes, then start cleaning the house. My bedroom is still pretty good, but the living room needs some serious work. I need to reclean the kitchen too after last night's excitement.

Ah! Lunch time... let's see how good my barbeque sauce is.

Collation

I'm having one of those days where every second I spend at work feels like a waste of time. I know there is some useful way for me to spend this time, but I'm not sure what. Once I get my grubby little hands on this website I'm going to be working on that will give me something to distract myself with.

I'm keeping an expense report for every penny I spend. It makes me A LOT more aware of where my money goes. My challenge to myself is to spend as little money as possible each week. We'll see how well it goes.

I am going to cook tonight- the stir fried rice. I didn't get the ingredients for the Rueben casserole because I was at my spending limit, but I will most likely just cook some chicken or something for lunch for the rest of the week instead.

I'm going to start organizing my books as well this week. During the riproaring green silk hunt I went through last night, I ran across a few more books, and I need to finally create a list of books that I own. I signed up for bookcrossings finally, and I want to put up a list of the books I'm willing to share ASAP - I hve my eye on one particular book that I want to read BADLY and there are three copies of them available on BC. So - that's exciting.

I've been rather quiet lately at work - just not feeling a particular desire to talk to my coworkers at all. At lunch, or just in general, I feel like there isn't much that I would want to even discuss with them. I wonder if I am starting to pull away from the people here because I'm changing, or because I know that I will be leaving soon, or what - but I just haven't felt like dealing with them much.

For Easter, we went to spend half the day with Corey's family - and it went really well. I have to wonder if it went so smoothly because we weren't in his grandmothers house. I swear - I hope whoever owns that house after them does a really GOOD cleansing of it. One of my favorite little people was there - Ephraim. He's 11 months old, and an absolute ANGEL. So, I had baby arms all day - and there wasn't even that many comments about me 'praticing'.
I really like children - they are so active and creative and curious and INTELLIGENT. Children don't have nearly the amount of knowledge that adults do, but I swear, most kids are smarter than most adults.

Okay. I've done enough typing for now. I think I'll clean out my files.

Purification

scraping away
all excess
revealing sinew
bone
blood
a radical purification
is needed
to bring me
home

is where I start
throwing away
clothes
books
knick-knacks
furniture
leaving the walls bare
and calm
like my soul
desires

are eliminated
no wants
no needs
disconnection from the cycles
of desire/consumption
shift
to the recycle
where everything not discarded
is turned
into something worthy
of my attention and
time

passes slowly
each moment a chance to choose
less or more?
needed or wanted?
energy or mass?
choices made to
insure the
needed purification of my life
discarding the trappings of
status
for the prize
of a peaceful soul.

---

So. This weekend I started the new plan for a simpler life. I performed a financial ritual on the night of the full moon (wednesday), and as I was tearing my house apart looking for a piece of green silk I could have sworn I had, I realized that just in GENERAL - I've got way too much crap. However, during the process of tearing apart my house, I also stumbled on a deck of cards called 52 ways to simplify your life that I purchased years ago when I was still in school. I didn't look at them just then, but instead just picked them up and sat them next to my goddess cards and the tarot deck I also found in my search and left them alone for the rest of the weekend. The concept of simplifying my life though - that remained bubbling in the back of my head, and connected to that fact that lately I've been itching for change and reorganization. Normally, I would just color my hair and be done with it, but this time I think that I have the energy and the need to do more. I believe that there is a right time for every change that you truly NEED in your life - whether it be quitting smoking, leaving a relationship, losing weight, getting organized - whatever - and to try to force yourself to do that before it's truly TIME for you to do it almost guarentees that it's going to be harder than it could be. Of course - a lot of times we don't have the liberty of waiting until that time arrives, but when the need is there and the time/moment is right as well - it makes change almost easy.
The time for me is right - I can feel the urge bubbling up to rip it all apart and put it back together the way it should be.
Somehow, all of this is coming together and it's really most exciting. I'm doing things that I've wanted to do for YEARS - and it seems to be rolling together all at once. It's scary and wonderful and exhilerating because I can finally see myself actively becoming the woman that I want to be.

I'm melting down to my true core.

Go In Peace

Perceptions

My hands are icy cold. My hands are normally cold anyhow, but when I get really nervous or really upset - they get even colder.
Right now - I'm furious. I have a friend - and he somehow knows how to push all of my buttons. I suppose the problem is that I feel like in some ways, he might be right, but the ways that he is wrong are so overwhelming that it invalidates the right bits.
Everyone knows I hate my job. I also think that most everyone knows that if I could afford it, I would quit before I could finish typing this sentence. But I can't. And that is totally my fault - I've dug myself into this hole. And, really - I've come to accept that fact, and I'm ACTIVELY working towards getting OUT of this hole. So - to have this man who dropped out of school because he couldn't afford it and currently has no job (by choice) and lives with his girlfriend (and no, I don't know what if any, HIS source of income is)tell me that I'm just not TRYING hard enough to get to where I want to be - it reallllly pisses me the fuck off. To have him sit there in his smug artists life supported by whatever means of income and tell me that 'you might look back and see it was more an issue of perception than of reality' as I try to explain to him that I cannot AFFORD to quit my job really - really fucking burns me.

So. I come here and write and vent and think about how much of what he is saying is true. And, actually - he's right. I COULD quit my job right this minute and start dong what I want to do. I'd have to default on my credit cards and car loans, because any job that has flexible enough hours for me to work as a doula and doesn't involve me selling ass or drugs would not provide enough money to cover all of my bills. I'd have to move back into the hood into a much smaller apartment. I'd have to give up the cable tv, and all the dinners out, and most likely even my diet as protien ain't cheap. And yeah - I COULD do all that right now - but I happen to LIKE owning a car. Covering all my bills and responsibilities gives me a little THRILL. I'm losing weight, and it will take more than some outside of MY life observer to make me feel bad about choosing to continue it. Yeah, I could look for another job that might make me happier and would pay roughly the same - but I'm NOT going to start working anywher else that doesn't lead me to where I want to be - which is the only sort of job that pays what I'm making now. I've stripped my life down to the essentials simply so that I CAN get out of here faster. It's not going to happen now. It's not going to happen next month. But - no matter what else happens, June of 2004 I am out of here. I know that much is true.

So. Writing it out helped. My hands have warmed up some and I feel ready to go out and maybe meet and make some new friends tonight. I feel confident and reassured that despite what those who DON'T live with me think - I'm doing the right thing.

Screw them and their misguided perceptions.

History

I've had this odd urge to cry floating around the back of my head for the past few days, and suddenly the reason why hit me.

When I was a child - until I was around 15/16 in fact, I wanted to be an archeologist. I was fascinated and amazed by how much what people leave behind speaks to the kind of society they lived in. I loved the voyeuristic feeling of peeking into want most people would never see or understand. I treasured the feeling of lifting something from the sand that appeared to be a dirty rock, and having it reveled to be a brightly colored piece of pottery.

So - when I started seeing reports that the museuems and libraries in Bagdhad and other areas of Iraq had been looted, and in some cases burnt to the ground - I hurt! The loss of those precious, utterly irreplace TREASURES reverberates in me in a way that I haven't even put together words to explain. From the clay cuniforms to the libraries of Islamic Law - it's gone. And what a waste it is - burnt to a crisp or broken because of ignorance, an utter lack of respect, and complete negligence on the part of the 'liberating' forces.

I want to cry - but the tears won't well up. I've not yet been able to force myself to read an entire article listing what they believe was destroyed - but I'm horrified at the thought of ANY of it being destroyed.

So...I'm disappointed in humanity today, even though, using history as a guide - I should have expected no better.

I still want to cry.

Ignorance

Honestly, sometimes I don't understand people. I'm not sure if it's mainly American people, or if it's just people in general - but it rather frightens me how sheeply people are.

I don't understand how women can take birth control (of any kind) without fully understanding the side effects.
I don't understand how anyone can go to the doctor and NOT realize that they didn't complete the examination before they leave.
I don't understand people who immediately dismiss anything that ruffles their world view without even CONSIDERING if it's true.
I don't understand parents who feed their kids food that they KNOW isn't healthy.
I don't understand how people can so easily abdicate responsibilty for their own lives by taking everything that they have ever learned at face value.

Maybe it's because I know a little bit about so MUCH stuff, and that I rarely (if ever) take what I first learn at face value. I'm naturally suspicious. But it's downright EXASPERATING when I try to share that knowledge with others - and they don't even CARE. ESPECIALLY when it has to do with health.

For example - several of my coworkers (for some reason) were having a conversation about milk. I mentioned the FACT that after the age of TWO most humans rapidly lose the ABILITY to fully digest milk - any kind of milk, especially cow's. One of my coworkers (without having ANY other information besides what the Diary Farmers of America have been pumping into the social arena) more or less called us 'crazy'. *sigh* And we aren't even going to TALK about how they dismissed the facts that the hormones in milk and meat cause girls to develop faster (and gain weight). It's KNOWLEDGE. It's understanding more about your body and our world and... I just don't GET how people are willing to just dismiss it - without even checking to see if it's true.

I'm usually a very outspoken person. I live in the heart of the Midwest, and a good majority of my personal choices are distinctly outside of the norm. I've adopted those choices because of the research I've done on it - not because some commercial told me to. Lately though, I've noticed myself keeping my mouth shut more and more. I'm TIRED of defending my choices because some NUMBNUT doesn't have to drive to inform themselves about the choices they are making.

I really need to find some 'unconventional' friends, otherwise I might bite my tongue off. I know that I can come off as VERY 'know-it-all' and I've been told sometimes that I am a little 'holier-than-thou', and truly, I try to remain concisous of that and let people make their own decisions - even if I viruently disargee with them. The hardest thing for me though is staying silent when I KNOW they aren't coming from a place of complete knowledge - that they are relying on what' they've been told rather than what they've learned.

I've got to get out of this state.

The Monthly Menu

Breakfast
Week One
Boiled Eggs
Week Two
Granola
Week Three
Yogurt
Week Four
Mini Burger /Spicy Sausage Balls

Lunch
Week One
Rueben Casserole
Stir Fried Rice
Week Two
BBQ Wings and coleslaw
Crab cakes and Sautéed Spinach
Week Three
Italian Spaghetti Casserole
Lasagna
Week Four
Shepard’s Pie
Pulled Pork and Cornbread and Greens

Dinner
Week One
1 Stir Fried Rice
2 Kohlrabi Mix
3 Steak & Turnip
4 Reuben Casserole
Week Two
1 Crab cakes & Spinach
2 Steak & Veggie
3 BBQ Chicken & Cornbread
4 Lemon Salmon & Asparagus
Week Three
1 Turnip Mix
2 Chicken & Veggies
3 Steak & Veggies
4 Beef Stroganoff
Week Four
1 Pulled BBQ & Corn Bread
2 Steak & Veggies
3 Hot Dogs & Sauerkraut
4 Fish & Veggies

---

Well - doesn't that just look like a PEACH of a menu? My goal is to eat the 'carbiest' meal at lunch - start the morning with mostly protein, and end the day with protien and veggies. My grocery list was actually shorter than expected - I don't think I should have too much of a problem keeping it in the rough range of 200/300 bucks.
I also want to try to make as much as I can - that way I can cut out more hidden carbs, and also save a little money (at least on some things). I truly truly love the fact that I can lose weight, improve my health and energy and eat yuuuummmmmyyyyyyliscous foods too.

I've gone and made myself hungry now. :)

Commentary

The only person I want to be around is Corey. Regretfully, he's back in Cinci now and I'm stuck here facing the rest of a dull day at work. He's talking to his current supervisor about getting a transfer here. Totally world-rocking.
I'm sleepy besides - I actually woke up before noon all weekend, despite the fact that I didn't go to bed until after two all weekend either. Thus, I'm facing the start of the week with a lovely sleep deficit. yawn.
I'm excited - I'm getting my nails done and a pedicure tommorow. I'm also going to treat myself to a nice pair of brown sandals - somehow I've allowed myself to be talked into going to spend time with his family for Easter, and I need new shoes to go with my dress. At first, I thought I needed to buy a new dress, then I realized that my graduation dress that I just started fitting back into would be perfectly appropiate for Easter. So - a new pair of summer shoes (which I do need) is all that I'll spend - and the nails and the toes are a luxury I refuse to give up. I've also determined that I'm not spending a penny over 20 bucks for the shoes.
I mailed off my tax extension form today too. So - I've got the pre-15th postmark and now I have until August to scrape up a grand to give to the IRS. Damn them.

I need to put together a grocery list for the next month. I figured that if I can alternate - two different meals can carry me through lunch for the week. So - that means I need at least 6 different things for lunch for the next month. Dinner is usally the easiet for me - some sort of baked/grilled meat and veggies. My favorite is a nice hunka hunka ribeye *smacks lips* but for the sake of economy I'm going to start eating mor chiken . Heh. I love those cows. So - two steaks a week is about 8 steaks a month. *shakes head* This Costco trip is going to be verrah interesting. I'll post my menu later.

Dreaming

Is it sad when I WANT to sleep for as long as possible because my dreams are SOO fascinating?

My post-snooze dream today involved me visiting some woman - I'm not sure if I knew here or not. I was actually in an apartment that looked rather like the ghetto hovel I lived in during senior year. We were planning on going out, but I wanted wait until Dwayne Johnson (because I'm too ashamed to use his entertainment name) (though it's almost sadder that I KNOW his real name) came to the house because I wanted to give him something. He came to the door - I opened the door, gave him a kiss (which considering he's close to a foot and a half taller than me is damn near impossible) and then handed him a gold wedding band as I whisepered that I wanted him to come around to the back door.
So - I go to the back bedroom and procede to take a shower. The bedroom led to a open air balcony, and there is a series of steps that came up to it. Mind you - the rest of the apartment is on ground level. The shower was this HUGE plate sized head mounted on the wall - with a Little Mermaid themed control that plugged into an electric socket that I simply could not get to work. While I was fighting to get the shower temperature just right without setting off the sounds or the smells that could accentuate the showering experience (I'm really picky about my hot water) I noticed out of the window there were all these 13-16 year old kids on the balcony WATCHING me. I closed the shades on the window - but still left the door wide open as they couldn't see me through that for some reason. AS I'm still fighting this shower, and waiting for Dwayne, some rap artist came up the back steps and was SWARMED by these kids. I finally got SO frustrated with the shower controls that I woke myself up to go and take a real shower.

What I didn't realize until I was in my real (hotHotHOT) shower - was that the shower in my dream wasn't in a tub, or even on a tile surface. The base of the shower was a FUTON covered with a army green sheet - and I kept moving the futon so that the water would only hit that. But in the dream - the fact that I was trying to take a shower on a futon was utterly uremarkable.

:) Mind you - the only reason I remember this dream is because it was after I hit the snooze button, but before I actually woke myself up out of bed. Usually Nikki makes me get up to feed them before I can settle into my snooze dreams really good. Today though - he was napping next to me, and occasionally would pat my arm with his paw. Such a sweetie he is.

Peace

* I found it sadly ironic that the man who wrote the song "War" dies of a heart attack during a war that so much of the world didn't support.

Its - interesting. I have no comments, no predictions about what's going to happen over there now. I hope the CF's are able to start to make good on their promises to the Iraqi people. I think that would be the only thing that would turn the Iraqis against the western forces - if the freedoms and jobs and money and healthcare and water and oil profits don't come back to them in clearly seen and easily proven ways. Now is not the time for nepotism or tax dodges.

Eh. As for Syria and Iran... what will be will be.

Alignment

I loved those old V8 commercials - the ones where the non-V8 drinker would be walking around tilted at about a 30degree angle? Those were hilarious - and I'm not even going to try to count how many times I tried to figure out exactly how they did that.
Anyway - I feel like I need a V8. I've felt - off - for about a month now, and I can't figure out why. When I lay down, I don't feel 'even'. I feel crooked somehow - like my body is tilted no matter how straight I may look. It's starting to make me wonder if I should go get a good massage or see a chiropractor to be sure that I'm all in alignment.

The word alignment always makes me think of astronomy, and that makes me (at least right now) think of Easter. I've always found the timing of Easter fascinating. I think it's the only Christian Holiday (along with Good Friday of course) that moves around. The date of Easter is based on the date of Passover, which is based on the Spring Equinox and the lunar calendar. More simply - the first day of Spring (which is always March 21st) is the start of the Jewish New Year. The day after the first full moon in the Jewish New Year is Passover, and the Friday after the first full moon in the Jewish year is Good Friday, and the Sunday after that is Easter Sunday. I've always felt that Easter shows its pagan roots more so than any other of the Christian holidays.

Another interesting astronomical thing is syzygy. That the offical word for the perfect alignment of three or more celestial bodies. Every time the moon is full - that's syzygy. The moon, earth, and sun are in perfect alignment - a lovely straight line through the heavens.

The only side effect of my LASIK surgery is the fact that I stil suffer from night glare - any light source that is in darkness has a halo around it. I saw the same halos before the surgery, but usually a good squint could clear it up. Now - I've got it for good, and it makes star gazing rather hard. Most times I can't see the pinpricks of light as they are - instead I see a dimmer globe of light. I still dream of driving though the desert for the stars - blurry or not, it's something I MUST do once in my life. I couldn't talk Corey into driving to Vegas for the wedding - but I figure I should be able to talk him into renting a car for a day and driving as deep into the desert around Vegas that we can. I feel like seeing the stars as bright and as close as I can will - do something to me. I'm not sure what, and I'm not sure why I feel that way - but I know that if I miss out on seeing the desert stars I will miss out on an enormous experience.

Oprah

For a while, I could never really understand the attraction that SO many women have to Oprah. I've known some women who are TOTAL Oprah-fanatics - and in a way it's alway freaked me out.

Today - she had a show on called "What Should I Do with my life?" and my mother stopped to watch it. Can I say HALLUEIEH??? There was a lawyer who was making 300K who quit his job to open a bakery. There was the rocket scientist who started a dating service. There was the 4th generation corporate mogul - who quit to become a cop. And as my mother watched the show - something in her eased. I think that she was reassured by the fact that I'm NOT crazy to be willing to give up loads of money in order to be happy. So - she's agreeed that our next conversation about money will not focus ON money - but instead on what it will take for me to be happy.

So - thank you Oprah. Thank you sooo much.

HELP!

Does anyone know of a good, free, ad/popup buster? I thought there was something going around OD that blocked popups, spyware, and those hateful, hateful mouse cursor THINGS!!!

Any and all links/downloads will be greatly appreciated, as I seem to have stumbled across something that provides me with minutes of 'Fight the Porn PopUps' style entertainment. I have a 'firewall' called ZoneAlarm since I've got the hot cable modem and leaving myself always connected with NO protection is just stupid, but these damn popups don't even register on that.

I haven't taken a nap yet - I started cooking a 'seafood bisque' which is shaping up rather nicely in the crockpot. I've also got some nice fish marinating that I'll drop in before I go to bed...it will make a LOVELY lunch tomorrow. I've also got dessert - baked jicama which tastes almost EXACTLY like stewed apples - they are almost too sweet for me. They would go nicely over a bit of custard.

I love doing stuff like that - coming up with a yummy, long lasting meal from the random odds and ends of other meals I've made. I feel so - domestic goddesslike.

I'm a magpie - I don't know if I've ever mentioned that. I LOVEEEE sparkly stuff - if I had a buncha money, I would have more custom made jewelry than you could shake a stick at. I've found a source for stones that look almost EXACTLY like a diamond (you'd have to be a GOOD jeweler with a diamond tester to tell the difference)- but for ohhhh... about a tenth of the cost. Stunning. I've brought several loose stones from them, and I have no clue what I'm going to do with them. So - since I can't wear them - I take them out of their boxes every couple of months and just drool all over them instead. It satisfies my need for new sparklies somehow.
So - while I'm waiting for the last of the lasagna to heat up, I'm gonna watch The System and play with the little pretties.

Random

I'm officially in a 'mood'. It's the combination of the craptastic weather, my severe lack of sleep, a general miasma from my financial stuff - and a wee bit of Corey-missing.

The weekend was great - we had a good time, as usual - and managed to keep our TOTAL foodcosts under 100.00 - for the both of us all weekend, which is really damn near a miracle. We need to start going out during happy hour more! We talked about the whole moving thing, and he agreed to seriously consider moving back up here when his lease expired. *does VERY happy dance* And I didn't feel the least bit manipulative or ANYTHING in the way i approached it. So, good for us. Also - the time change was this weekend, and since I live in one of the freaky states that opted OUT of daylight savings time, I now gain an hour coming home - which is lovely as it means I don't have to leave until 8 his time, and I can still get to work by 8:30 Indiana time. Wonderful, wonderful state.

Ugh - I just realized, it's PMS. I have very odd PMS. I get grumpy, rather touchy, veeerrry quiet, and ENOURMOUSLY sleepy. I'm talking I could sleep for 12-15 hours STRAIGHT, wake up for two hours, and then sleep for another eight kinda tired. And nothing I seem to do helps - vitamins, extra sleep the week before - NOTHING. And when I'm tired, I'm a bitch. Thankfully, all I have to do after work this week is bellydancing class - and I know that will make me feel better. Hm - that's a thought. I wonder if regular old exercise would help the Tireds. I might pop in the Tae-bo tape tomorrow morning and see if that helps. I've been doing the yoga for almost a week now, and I DEFINITELY feel better.

Speaking of feeling better - I've given in to the fact that once I get paid, I HAVE to go and buy some new bras. My shoulders and lower back have been creaky lately, and I'm almost postive that it's because my bras aren't supporting me right anymore - and we simply CANNOT have that. I happen to LIKE my twins - big as they are - and I really would rather NOT have to get them reduced because I let myself develop back problems. LB is having a buy 2, get 2 free sale - so I will swing through there first and see if I can fit any of them, and if I can't I will suck it up and go to a department store.

Work has been horrbily boring today. I actually went home for lunch today to waste a little more time, because I didn't pack lunch and I didn't want to buy it and I knew the kitties would be hungry. I cooked a quick lunch, loved on my babies, and still got back to work earlier than I really should have. Eh. I've spent most of the day since then collecting recipes so that I can come up with some good lunch like things. I don't like meat 'salads' so that's a usual 'lunch' kind of thing cut out. I've found some SCRUMPTIOUS sounding recipes though, and I can't wait to go shopping and start cooking up a storm.

Only 2.5 hours before I can sleep. How delightful.

*Survey*

Location: The Midwest
Religion: None
Party: I don’t have a political party of choice. When I vote, I do so based on the platform – which usually turns out to be Democratic. As far as my personal leanings go, I’m a Libertarian.

War with Iraq: It’s an illegal invasion that the current administration whipped up support for by convincing the American people that this was the only way to go. I think it’s a waste of lives and a shameful waste of money. Assassination would have been quicker, easier, and just as legal.

Abortion: I’m pro-choice. I don’t understand the women who use it as a form of delayed birth control – but just because some people misuse it doesn’t mean that is isn’t sometimes the best choice.

The Economy: Sadly enough – the economy is one area of the world that I tend not to keep track of. My PERSONAL economy on the other hand – that just plain sucks.

Homeland Security: Homeland? Am I the only one for whom that brings up images of Germany? But – as far as that goes, I think it’s a farce. I’m not sure what the end goal of it is, but something tells me that it’s not going to end up with America being more secure. Then again it might – I’ve come to accept the fact that we would have to change our Culture in order to be truly ‘secure’ and that’s not happening.

Marijuana: It should be legal, and if sold – it should have the HELL taxed out of it. I’m all for luxury taxes.

The UN: Once again – I don’t have much of an opinion. I think that they have kowtowed for the US a little too much – and now that they disagree they find that like a spoiled child, we are going to do what we want to do anyway.

North Korea: I think that NK is a major danger – and that if Kim feels the least bit pressured he will toss a nuke another country’s way.

G. W. Bush: I think the years of ‘heavy drinking’ and cocaine use have taken a serious toll on his mind. Remember the old school “this is your brain on drugs” ads? GW is SCRAMBLED.
Science Funding: Interestingly enough, I think that we should cut back on theoretical science funding and work on using the technology we have to improve the living conditions in the US.

Education: Craptastic. Unless you are financially stable enough to live in a GREAT school district or have the money to send your child to public school, pre-college education is crappy.

*Survey*

I am unspeakably bored. I might actually do more than one. Damn that Sruvey Circle!!

---

FAITH
1. What religion do you follow?
None at all – I call myself pagan, but that’s not a religion.
2. What religion were you raised as?
Muslim from 2 until 18.
3. Do you believe that forgiveness is a religious property or a human property?
As in can only God forgive or can humans forgive? I believe that forgiveness is solely a human property – what proof would I ever get that God has forgiven me? At least with humans, you get true feedback.
4. Do you believe in magic?
Yes
5. What was the last promise you broke?
Hm – most likely to not drink until April 1st.
6. Have you ever said the words to a prayer and not meant it?
Oh yes! It’s a very nasty feeling – I stopped doing it after I left college. I will stand silent and handle the human issues rather than speak and brand myself a hypocrite.
7. Do you believe that anyone could be perfect?
No.
HOPE
1. Did you get everything you wanted over the last holiday season?
Since I didn’t want anything, yes.
2. Regarding your future, what is the best thing you could hope for?
To live a fulfilled life.
3. Do you let yourself get your hopes up for something even if you know that there is a large chance of failure?
No – I’m a grand pessimist. If figure it’s a win-win situation – if I get want I want it’s an EXTRA jolt of joy, and if I don’t then I don’t crash from the dissapointment.
4. Have you ever bought a lottery ticket?
Yes – but only once the jackpot goes over 100 million.
5. Do you gamble?
No – I’m too cheap to give away my money (despite the answer to the previous question). Ask me again once I’m back from the wedding.
6. Have you ever had something called off on account of bad weather, but then gone ahead and done it anyway?
Not that I can remember…
7. What does "hope deferred" mean to you?
The first thought? Raisin in the Sun . It means an understanding that what you most hope for will never happen for you – but it may happen for your children or your children’s children. That was SUCH a depressing play.
CHARITY
1. What causes do you support?
Planned Parenthood gets my money, The Breast Cancer Website gets my clicks, UNICEF gets some money occasionally, and Goodwill gets whatever’s left.
2. What causes have you given money or time to?
See Above.
3. Have you ever worked in a soup kitchen or done another kind of outreach for the homeless?
Yes – did it regularly in college.
4. Would you ever consider joining the Peace Corps, Amnesty International, or another travel-inherent worldwide charity group?
I’ve thought about it – but I like being comfortable and relatively bug-free, and PC always seemed to involve the exact opposite.
5. Do you give money to the homeless on the street?
No. I will buy them food but after dealing with the ‘bums’ in Atlanta ( who made more money than I did) I no longer will.
6. Have you ever helped out a friend with basic needs, like rent or food?
Food yes – I’ve never been flush enough to help someone ELSE with rent.
7. What's the greatest extent you've gone to help a friend in need?
I drove a friend to Dayton ( a three hour trip) after work and then drove back.
FORTITUDE
1. What are you most afraid of?
Losing family to death. I can handle me dying, but I’m not ready for anyone else to die.
2. What did you do today that was really brave?
Not a dang thing. There aren’t many places to express bravery in my life.
3. Who is your favorite super hero, and why?
Don’t have one.
4. Would you put your life in danger to rescue someone?
Depends on who the someone was.
5. If you were to face the Wizard, would you want more courage, more brains, or more heart?
More money realistically – but from those choices I’d have to say more courage.
6. Have you ever gotten stage fright?
I always get stage TERRIFIED – my heart starts racing, all the blood rushes out of my hands my back gets twitchy – but I LOVE being in front of people – and no one notices my trembling but me.
7. Do you consider yourself to be a leader or a follower?
I walk my own path.
JUSTICE
1. Have you ever been summoned for jury duty?
Yes, but I was in school so I was excused.
2. If they reinstituted the draft (for both genders), would you go, or would find some way out of it?
No. I refuse to give up that much power over my own life.
3. Do you support capital punishment (the death penalty)?
Gingerly. Too many innocent people have died – but then there are some truly evil people who deserved it. Though I have to admit, Gandalf’s speech makes me reconsider that every time I read it.
4. Which should be guaranteed legal: cocaine, marijuana, heroin?
Marijuana. I believe that if it was made legal the US could tax it and eliminate the deficit REALLY quickly. Also – from the three it is the least physically addictive.
5. Do you believe that Dubya is rightfully President of the USA?
No. The fact that the final decision was made by the appointed – not elected - Supreme Court (whether they were right our not) means that the final decision was NOT the People’s.
6. What was your favorite media circus trial?
The Anna Nicole Smith fiasco. I laughed my ass off through most of it.
7. Do you find grace offensive?
No – I’ve always strived to be graceful
TEMPERANCE
1. What do you have the hardest time moderating yourself on?
Alcohol. It’s sooooo tasty.
2. Do you collect anything?
Books.
3. Are you addicted to anything?
No – but mainly because I think that I have an addictive personality – and if I let myself go I could be hooked on a lot of not so good things.
4. Have you ever put anything on layaway or used an installment plan?
I think so – a coat one year I was in school?
5. What's your preferred method of paying for things?
Debit card usually – I try to hold the credit cards back (note the TRY). I rarely have or use foldable cash.
6. Tell us one thing you wish you hadn't let yourself do:
Credit cards, credit cards, credit cards.
7. Do you feel that you obsess over things?
I was going to say no, but really – yes. All the time.
PRUDENCE
1. Who is the wisest person you know?
I don’t know – I know a LOT of dingbats.
2. Have you ever participated in a vigil?
No.
3. Do you take advice when it's given?
It depends on how attached I am to my current course of action. If I haven’t made up my mind, I’ll take it and factor it into my decision, but if I’ve made up my mind you have to convince me that your advice/way is better.
4. What area are you wisest in?
I’m a Jill of all Trades – I own many knives and none of them are sharp.
5. Do you drive defensively?
I drive cussingly.
6. Have you ever had unprotected sex outside of marriage?
*snorts * Yeah.
7. What did you learn today?
That a double cheeseburger with everything on it is plenty for lunch – ordering the triple is just BAD.

Naming

What's in a name? We are given them when we are born, and they follow us through the rest of our lives. For women - they sometimes change with marriage, but that first name - it sticks. I've never really been too fond of my first name - it doesn't turn into a cool nickname, and it's always seemed so BLAND. So - me being me - I've come up with a couple of other names I use rather often.

Jasmyn is my online name and I've used for so long it feels like it's really my name. It's gotten bad enough that if someone yells out "Jasmyn!" in a store - my head will pop up. If scraggly looking men ask me what my name is - it's always Jasmyn. Jasmyn is my alterego - the chick that I really WANT to be - and luckily she's not that different from the chick I am. She's a little bolder, and little more flexible, a little more open...but in the main, she's me.

Then there's A'ishah - my middle name. I've ALWAYS loved my middle name, and when I was younger I was quite fascinated by the 'original' A'ishah - the Prophet Muhammad's favorite and youngest wife. She reminded me of me a little - young, brash, a little rebellious, usually causing trouble - a classic teenager, really. As I got older - and that DAMN ABC song came out - I've tended to shy away from using it - but for some reason when I started this diary, I wanted to use a name that was really mine.

Then there's my current last name. I was born with the last name McFarland - my mother was actually traditional enough to give me the sperm donors last name. I was two when she changed both of our last names to our current one - which is intensely and totally Arabic. Mind you - I LOOK like an African American, not an African or Arabian person, nor do I have an accent - yet I will get regularly asked where I'm from, and I've been told that I look like I'm from Ethopia or Nigeria. It's interesting the assumptions that people bring up when they hear my last name. And we aren't even going to TALK aout how horribly people butcher the spelling and pronunciation of my name. Even after I tell them that it is spelled EXACTLY how it sounds - it rarely sinks in. I've gotten to the point that anytime I spell my name over the phone I have to do the phonetic version "B as in Boy, D as in Dog" - and yet I will STILL get items in the mail in which my name has been utterly warped into something different.

My new last name is almost a blessing after this one. It's not a super common last name, but it's so easy to prounouce, understand and spell, that I ALMOST don't mind changing it. I'm still going to keep my last name (I can't give it up THAT easily) but - I will most likely use my new name all the time. I still haven't settled in my head WHY I want to keep my old name if I only plan on using the new, but then, I haven't really thought about it that much either.

---

We've already picked out our children's names...and I'm not sure if that is a bad thing or a good thing. People often tell me that sometimes the name you pick changes when you actually SEE the kid, but the both of us are stuborn enough to want to keep them. The first boy will naturally be a Jr. despite all my pleas to the contrary, and the first girl will be Anjali Rylah. The middle name is a combo of both our mothers first names. It means jack-all, but it sounds good - and it's not utterly complex to spell. Anjali is a bastardazation of Anjelica - which is Spanish for 'Little Angel'. Yes, we are being quite the optimists. :)
I hope they like their names - but if they don't - I know I won't feel bad if they change it. After your apperance, your name is the thing most people learn next - and it's only right that they have a name that they feel fully represents who they are...

Loser

I never thought I would have the patience to reall lose weight. I'm definitely a child of my times - I want it right and I want it NOW. But - this time, I've managed to stick with it - which is actually relly exceptional for me.
My weight loss has slowed down A LOT - I'm losing about a pound or so a week - some weeks I actually lose two. Going from dropping 4 pounds in a week to 2 is a bit of a shock, but - it's the little things that keep me going.
Last night, I fit back into my graduation dress - which is a 16W. In 8 months, I've gone from a 22/24 to a 16. That's FOUR dress sizes. Wow. The odd thing is that - I honestly can't see it. My clothes are getting bigger, I really need to buy all new bras, my undies are getting bigger - but I can't/don't really SEE myself as any smaller. Even my coworkes comment on the weight I've lost - and it actually kinda scares me that I don't really look any smaller to myself in the mirror. I wonder at what point will I be able to look in the mirror and think 'Wow. I've REALLY lost a lot of weight'. Actually - I think that maybe taking a picture would be better.
That's what catapulted me onto the path of I 'HAVE' to lose weight - a picture. Last March, me and Corey went on a trip to St. Louis, and while we were there, we had someone take pictures of us in front of the Arch. I looked at those pictures when I finally got them developed (Mid April) and I was HORRIFIED. I was HUGE - a walking embodiement of being big as a house. It took me a few more months, but finally I just buckled down to it.

Eh. Rambly, rambly entry.

It's friday! I get to see my light tonight! :) :) Too many hours left..

Liberating

Once again may I present the FABULOUS Aaron McGruder!!

---

So. I feel much better today. I've definitely decided that I want to ask him to consider transfering his job and moving back here once his lease is up. I've got a reputation of so not being much of an emotional person - logic is my watchword - but I'm about to go ALL kinds of girly-girl on him.

I've started reading The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People and it's rather intriguing. Right now, I'm working on the first habit, and - I don't know. It seems to be going well, but I'm not sure. It's funny - I think that on my own I've actually been working TOWARDS some of those very habits, but not realized what I was doing or where I was going - I was just doing something right. So - I'm creeping through that book slowly.

I've also come to a conclusion about the money issues. I realized that really - I DO have a budget. I save some, I pay all my bills on time, and then I live off of what is left. That's fine - that's good. My 'problem' is my spending habits! I need to work on what I CHOOSE to spend the money that is left on, and I have to start making better choices about what I buy and from where and when. So - a few things that I'm going to pare away at -
1) I'm going to have to stop going to the bookstore every couple of days. There is a wonderful library downtown that has all the books I could ever want - and they are FREE - and I can renew online endlessly until there is a hold placed on one of the books - and even then, I only have to take THAT book back. It's a total win-win. I don't have to cut back on my voracious reading, but I CAN cut back on my spending. Also - I figure I can read a book, and if I like it - make plans to buy it at a later date. All the satisfaction for none of the price.
2) We've GOT to cut out eating out every night of the weekends we are together. Usually, we can easily spend 100.00 for dinner for both of us, and though we do usually switch off so that I pay for one night and he pays for the other - that's STILL close to 300.00 bucks a month - at the MINIMUM. Yipes. This is one area that I'm going to have to consult with Corey in, because I know that he LOVES to go out to eat, and I don't want him to feel like I'm asking him to pay for dinner out all the time.
3) I'm going to start bringing in my breakfast and lunch to work. I can easily spend 10.00 a day on food, and not be fully satisfied because the quality of the food at our cafe isn't all that great. I LOVE to cook anyway - and I have an extensive collection of rubbermaid and gladware and hot/cold bags. That nicely segues into the next item..
4) I've got start shopping at Costco. On this eating plan, I eat A LOT of meat and veggies. I mean A LOT. And buying them one at a time, and leaving my freezer empty, makes no sense, when I have a Costco card, and I KNOW that I can get the same amount of stuff for a MUCH lower price. My freezer is currently mostly empty - all that is in it is some lonely freezer-burnt fish, half a bag of chicken wings, and a few bags of veggies. It's CRYING out to be filled with wonderful meals and makings of meals on a regular basis.
5) The last thing is that I need to curb my random shopping sprees. Though, I hve to admit after dropping ALL that money on my computer - I seriously doubt that I'm going to be spending ANY large sum of money any time soon. I also have to start to gauge my 'needs' versus my 'wants'. For instance - I think I need a car charger for the batteries in my digital camera. But - that implies that I'm going to be using the camera enough to actualy run through the batteries just as I have one MORE picture to take - and I don't have any extra batteries. Looking on eBay, I saw that one extra battery for my camera costs about 8 bucks - the car charger costs about 50.00. Now - for the cost of the car charger, I could get 6 batteries - which would be at the minimum 12 HOURS of camera time. Or - I could just buy two extra batteries, and keep them fully charged from the charger I have at home. I'd spend under 20 bucks, I'd have 6 - 8 hours of shooting time (and really - how often am I going to use my camera CONSTANTLY for 6 hours???) and I'd be saving a big ole hunka cash. Plus - if I'm out in the middle of who knows where and have walked 1/2 hour from the car, I'm going to be rather grumpy about walking ALL the way back to the car, waiting the 1/2 hour while the battery recharges, and then walking ALL the way back to where I was.
So.... I want to scale down my thoughts and think about what I REALLY want - and them find the cheapest possible solution rather than just going for the FIRST solution I see.

---

I've reinstituted my ban on TV. I'm reading, listening to music, chatting with friends online, doing voga, practing belly-dancing, laying out in the sun - almost ANYTHING besides sitting there and wasting brain time watching TV. Though I have to admit - I give myself free rein on Friday nights. How can I miss Forensic Fridays??

Speaking of yoga - I'm so excited that I've gotten stronger! I'm guessing it's from the loss of weight (which means that I REALLY need to start lifting weights to keep my muscle strength up) but there are a couple of yoga poses it was almost impossible for me to hold before, and now I can do them - not super easily, but a hell of a lot easier than before. I figure by the end of this month, I should be ready to get my Pilates tapes back and start doing them as well. I also need to start stretching every morning. The yoga is good - but it doesn't really PULL me out like it should. I have a Stretching Book - and since I don't have belly-dancing tonight, I think I will work on that instead.

Earth

he is my earth. my grounding. his touch alone makes me feel whole. i miss him. i miss waking up in his arms. i miss going to sleep listening to him play soulcaliber. i miss his laugh. i miss his smile. i miss him every moment of every night that i'm home alone thinking of him. i miss living with him - all the bad and the good. i miss watching him sleep as i leave for work. i miss him waking me up when he gets home. i miss his touch. i miss our fights over who gets in the shower first. i miss the smell of him on my pillow. i miss waiting for him to come home. i miss watching him cook for me. i miss cooking for him. i miss every little thing - even the things i hate. i miss him so much just seeing people hold hands sends a shock of longing through me. i miss him so much. and its only been 3 days since i've seen him.
i am adrift in space - floating 111 miles from my earth. i've been drifting for two months now and i don't know how much longer i can drift before i start spiraling down. 

 

---

 

and I feel utterly horrid and selfish and mean for missing him so much when there could be 100,000 other women who miss their men too - but have no guarentee they will return home to them alive. How dare I miss the man I'm going to see in 3 days when there are others who deserve to miss their loved ones even more? how can i tear up over missing the one i love - my little missing is nothing compared to so many others. but it's mine, and it hurts me and it touches me and so - i'm beling selfish.

Bondage

So. I tend to avoid doing this like the plauge - but once again it is time for me to sit back and take stock of my current financial status. My debt to income ratio - not good. My current assests - nil. My debt - about as far from nil as you can get.

I had a plan that I had set up all lovely and wonderful at the start of the year. Then, I totalled my car, and that sent my plans into a total tailspin. Then, I had to deal with my insurance comapny dicking with me for another two months - and, yes, I went a little haywire with the spending (the vision stuff and the computer). Now - I'm staring at the short side of 70 bucks to get me from today until April 15, along with a tax bill of close to 1,300.00 that is due April 21st, and I'm realizing that at THIS precise moment - I'm in deep shit.

So. I'm sitting back and taking a real and honest look at my finances. The first thing I did was to determine what my REAL income is. I've been under the delusion that I make close to 50K a year, and according to the IRS, that's right. However - I only bring home (to spend on stuff like bills & cat food) about 30K a year - which is a big fuckin difference. I estimated my yearly neccesities and school loans(also known as the stuff I just WON'T live without) to end up costing me about 18K. Which means, if those were the only bills I had, I would have about a grand a month to work with. Which, honestly would be rather nice. It ALSO tells me that once I erase my debt, I can work at a place that pays at a max 15K less than what I'm making now, and still live pretty well - especially if me & Corey live together.

However - I DO have credit card debt. I've got the overdraft account - which is no longer any good. I've got a credit card through work - which is close to not being any good. I've got the card that the wedding is being sponsored on - which is still good. I've got the loan for LASIK - but I totally think it's worth it. So - all together, I've got about 9K of credit card debt. Honestly, looking at that - it's not that bad. That means that I could pay it off in a year. So - that means I would have to dump about 800.00 a month on those bills to clean them up. Which - is workable.

The hard part - which I know is a problem that I have - is that I LIKE TO SPEND MONEY. I really like going out to eat. I like being able to go to the grocery store every week or two. I like being able to scoop up something I really want on eBay. I really don't WANT to go back to living the way I lived my last year of college -I don't think I should HAVE to - but maybe I NEED to. And that REALLY sucks.

So. Tonight, I'm going to write up a budget. I get paid on Tax Day (I'm going to have to file for an extension.... clearly) and I'm going to have to work it out then. I figure - I KNOW I have the willpower - hell if I can control how and what I eat I sure as HELL should be able to control how much and when I spend. Right?? I'm also going to have to get Corey to buy into this paln with me - cuz it's HARD keeping a budget when there is all the temptation to spend like mad people (which we are BOTH really good at).

And time is slipping through my fingers. I want to be at a state where I am FREE to leave this company June 2004. And I really don't want to shoot myself in the foot by creating a set of golden handcuffs for myself.