9/29/00 Atkins

216/216/120 (start weight, current weight, goal weight)

Bad: Bread, chips.

Good: Tenderloin, decaf coffee, water.

:(

Today has been a kinda off day. I have been oddly moody, and kinda withdrawn. I have a date tonight ( with Chef) and I am considering calling it off. *shrugs* I just don’t feel like being bubbly, or out-going, or even awake for that matter. Butttt… at the same time I don’t want to just go home and vegetate. *sighs* I don’t know.

Me & Merleebird are going to hopefully try to shore each other up with this whole Atkins thing, and…hopefully that will give me a bit more incentive. *sighs* I’m going to list the food and my weight *shudders* and my general mood every day (weight only on Thursdays). A new way of eating, a new way of life. *sighs*
I’m just TIRED.

Stay Jazzed.

PS: HEY!! I just hit 400. Private entries & all. :)

ughha

So…okay. I have a series of issues, and maybe if I lay them out on the line (or the paper as the case may be) I will be able to work my way out of the funk that is my emotiions.

I know I don’t love him
I know I enjoy his company
I know he fits my magic list (which covers sooo much)
I know he is honest
I know he turns me on.

What’s the problem? I feel like I am in an odd state of limbo, that what I am feeling is…gossamer thin, like paper. Like I am in some dream-world, where nothing is solid enough to stand up to any kind of pressure. But…I don’t know why. I’m not scared anymore, because I feel like I can trust him. Maybe it’s a bleed-over of the ‘I want someone but I don’t’ emotions. Now that I have somebody, I don’t know if I want him. It’s really not helped by the fact that he works weird ass hours and so we don’t really see each other much. *sighs* I have no problem NOT expressing what I am feeling, but I have issues expressing what I AM feeling. Maybe because they are so chaotic, and I am a person who prefers life to be orderly. What can I tell him? What can I say? I *laughs* want to sit him down and do the ‘we need to talk’ thing, but as I don’t know what the hell I want to talk about, that would be a summary waste of time. Ugh. I don’t want much, just a chance for peace.

Long break. I have finally broken down and decided to differentiate the entries of mine that have poetry in them, so that when I am looking for a poem that I KNOW is in here, it will be easier for me to find. *shrugs* I have some really good stuff in here too. :) I think that I might take the laptop home with me this weekend, and start to transcribe some of my work. The only problem is this danggone thing doesn’t have a floppy drive, so I don’t know what I will do. I will have to stick it in somebody’s dock while they are not here and download it all.

Ummm I am going to a poetry reading tomorrow night. :) I think I might drag Chef along with me…if he wants to come of course. We like so much of the same things that I figured he HAS to like poetry right? Um…maybe I will try it out on him later….


*sighs* I am reading my diary from ages ago (or at least that is how it feels). I am amazing.


Stay Jazzed.

Sleeptalking

*sighs* I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I have this…bubble sitting in my heart, pressing up against my throat, wanting to come out and scream the emotions that I can’t even put into words for myself much less to explain to someone else. Chef came over last night and *laughs* we watched wrestling. It was…fun. Peaceful. I don’t know…maybe I need more sleep. I hate it when I’m moody. Especially when I don’t know WHY I’m moody. Argh.

I know I am tired as hell…I only got about 4 hours of sleep last night, messing around with Chef (TV only) and so I’m…off. Basically. *shakes head* And ever since that tour yesterday, I have been smelling the oddest things. Like right now, I smell strong liquor. Like whiskey or vodka or some cheap stuff or something. *shrugs* I don’t know. I was going to go furniture shopping tonight, but I think I will wait until the weekend instead.

I need some SLEEP tonight. I didn’t get the ring last night, but I did get 50.00 worth of bras. I actually did some clothes shopping, ended up totally disgusted with myself (as usual…which also might be a part of this funky mood), and just brought a bunch of bras. I looked at the ring long and hard…and decided that it is really pretty in the box, but on my hand it just didn’t have the same effect. *shrugs* Self-consciousness I guess.

bye.

A Poem

my hearts
been broken
fragile bits
litter the landscape
of my emotions

well mended
the patchwork quilt
of what once was
pure hope
and love
is stained with
blotches of pain

each step I take
each emotion I
feel
is blurred by the pain
that is as much a part of me
as the hope
and the love

and my heart
still lies broken
to avoid mending
with the thread of pain
and the needle of cynicism

the day will come
when the stains will fade away
and the heart will become whole
washed and mended with real
love

until then
leave me
and my broken heart
in our shelter of fear and pain
let no ray of light
touch us
that will fade before deaths dusk
let no hope fill us
that will turn into a
painful lie
let no passion engulf us
that goes beyond a mere
throbbing heat
let no one come
who will leave
and shatter my broken heart
again.


stay jazzed.

Bored

*ch* I didn’t ask him about it, and maybe I should have. Will it sit and fester in me now, since I didn’t do it? Ugh. I don’t know…and I am not going to worry about it right now.

hm. took a test. This is the hard-ass version of me.

The Portrait of the Mastermind (iNTj)
Of the four aspects of strategic analysis and definition it is the contingency planning or entailment organizing role that reaches the highest development in INTJs. Entailing or contingency planning is not an informative activity, rather it is a directive one in which the planner tells others what to do and in what order to do it. As the organizing capabilities the INTJs increase so does their inclination to take charge of whatever is going on.

It is in their abilities that INTJs differ from the other NTs, while in most of their attitudes they are just like the others. However there is one attitude that sets them apart from other NTs: they tend to be much more self-confident than the rest, having, for obscure reasons, developed a very strong will. They are rather rare, comprising no more than, say, one percent of the population. Being very judicious, decisions come naturally to them; indeed, they can hardly rest until they have things settled, decided, and set. They are the people who are able to formulate coherent and comprehensive contingency plans, hence contingency organizers or "entailers."

INTJs will adopt ideas only if they are useful, which is to say if they work efficiently toward accomplishing the INTJ's well-defined goals. Natural leaders, INTJs are not at all eager to take command of projects or groups, preferring to stay in the background until others demonstrate their inability to lead. Once in charge, however, INTJs are the supreme pragmatists, seeing reality as a crucible for refining their strategies for goal-directed action. In a sense, INTJs approach reality as they would a giant chess board, always seeking strategies that have a high payoff, and always devising contingency plans in case of error or adversity. To the INTJ, organizational structure and operational procedures are never arbitrary, never set in concrete, but are quite malleable and can be changed, improved, streamlined. In their drive for efficient action, INTJs are the most open-minded of all the types. No idea is too far-fetched to be entertained-if it is useful. INTJs are natural brainstormers, always open to new concepts and, in fact, aggressively seeking them. They are also alert to the consequences of applying new ideas or positions. Theories which cannot be made to work are quickly discarded by the INTJs. On the other hand, INTJs can be quite ruthless in implementing effective ideas, seldom counting personal cost in terms of time and energy.

Copyrighted © 1996 Prometheus Nemesis Book Company.

20-somethings

I have been running around a lot today, going on tours and going to meetings and learning stuff and going out to lunch and all that jazz. Thus, I haven’t written the normal 3 or 5 entries that I had been pulling before. Anyhow, I actually enjoyed today. It is too damn old outside, and I am still stubbornly refusing to wear a coat, but everything’s pretty jazzy.

I am for once not stressing over the whole Chef thing. Mainly because he said he was going to call me last night and didn’t. The first chink in the aura of perfection. *sighs* What a relief to finally see it. Though, I have to admit I have been checking my voice mail to see if he has dropped me a line. *shrugs* Hey, you can’t expect me to change THAT fast, now can you?

I went out kinda shopping yesterday, I had to get some REAL earrings for myself. The little dull ones I had were not holding up to my new short black hair. In the process I saw this lovely ring. It’s interesting because it is a ‘diamond’ ring, and as much as I don’t like ‘diamonds’, this ring is LOVELY. I think I might go back and get it. I got my security deposit back today, and so I have more extra cash to throw away randomly. :) I figure I might as well pretend to be living large. I think that instead of paying that extra months worth of rent, I might get some furniture instead. At least a dining room set, and possibly a computer desk. I think I will head out to Value City Furniture this weekend and see what I can find. :) I might as well do something useful with this unbugdeted money, since I can’t get a car. I want a new stereo system too, because the one that I have (and have had since freshman year in high school) is reallllly starting to fall apart now. *sighs*

I talk about money too much. Money, men and my weight…that is what my life has narrowed itself down too and it is really way too stereotypical. I brought a mess of film when I went to Walmart, so I think I will do some scouting for photography this weekend too. Even though, in all honesty, all I have to do is look out of my window in the morning. Speaking of which, I saw the most beautiful thing this morning…as I woke up, the rising sun and the tiniest crescent of a moon were in the sky at the same time. In fact, you could almost SEE the whole moon, but only a tiny crescent of it was lit. It was a total eclipse that wasn’t. If the timing had been different, I think that it wold have ended up being a total eclipse. How cool would that have been?? *sighs* Anyhow…I hope I see it tomorrow morning too…simply gorgeous.

I got dye under my nails, and they are this lovely…purplish color, like I have bruised fingernails. I finally took of the one coat of polish I had put on one hand this morning (right as I was missing my bus) but I think I will polish them tonight. I brought a whole bunch of polish a while ago…since it was on sale for half price, I figured I might as well but twice as much as I usually would. I need to trim my cuticles too…I clipped my toenails this morning too (no wonder I was late). Hmm… about 10 minutes left. *yawns* I have been remarkably sleepy lately too. Most likely all the *gasps* carbs I have been eating. Bloated and sleepy… that’s me. I have been weighing myself every evening after work. Not sure why… I just have been. I ordered a couple of exercise tapes as I joined the Columbia House Video Club…That will be cool to do. I was looking for a fitness channel thingy in the morning…but haven’t been able to find one.

Well… It’s a couple of minutes early, but by the time I put everything up and stop off in the ladies room, it will be time for me to go. Besides, I have a good book to read.

Stay Jazzed.

Talking to Myself

*sighs* I wanna chit-chat and talk madly & wildly with somebody who knows me and my history well enough to tell me if I am making a fool of myself. UGH! Why can’t I just leave it alone?

There is a story in Erotique Noire called the 1st Three Daze, talking about the haze of a daze that these two people went through that totally overwhelmed them, but it only lasted for three wonderful blissful days. Maybe that is what this is. UGH! I need somebody to talk to…This rehashing the same thing over and over again within my self is driving me crazy. I can’t talk to Papi about it… one he isn’t talking to me and two that would be rather odd to do. I can’t talk to my momma about it, because that would just not work. BabyBoy…maybe, he might be useful. LittleOne, *rolls eyes* please… that would be a exercise in philosophical futility. Nee? Possibly, but she is so damn busy. Ugh. So I toss and turn and wonder why and what and if…and the odd thing is if this thing turns into something real, when will I know?

Stay Jazzed.

A rare Survey

How'd you come up with your OD nickname?
There was an OutKast song that came out in *thinks* 97 I guess, about this woman they called a Jazzybelle. It was a ride off of the old Jezebel figure, but with a hip-hop twist. I liked it because it seemed to combine my blossoming and sometimes overwhelming sexuality with the old southern lady/belle of the ball woman I strive to be.
Who do you think is a really cool person and why?
My mommy obviously. She has done so much with her life, and has gone through so much, yet she is still such a peaceful person. I don’t really think any famous people are cool. I think a few fictional characters are the cat’s meow (Deanna Troi, Jessica Atredies)
What do you know or understand that most people do not?
That silence is a precious commodity.
What do you assume about people based on their looks alone?
Hm. I try not to assume too much…but I can usually get a feel for how ‘free’ they are.
What kind of underwear do you usually wear?
Cotton semi-bikinis. I prefer dark colors (black & grey) or color colors. Not much of a white draws kinda girl…though I do have plenty of them for when the favorites get low.
If you became addicted to something (or something else), what would it be?
Food? Umm…anything salty & crunchy. Activity? Sleeping. Substance? Weed, most likely.
What do you dislike about yourself?
I am way too flexible. I bend so much I have hard time standing firm for anything. I am pessmistic to a fault. I weigh too much. I am ambitious and lazy.
What do you like about yourself?
I am brilliant. I am fione. I am flexible. I am intuitive.
Is there anything about the person you love most in the world that you really hate? What is it?
Nah. She is wonderful.
Is there anything about someone you really dislike that you like or are attracted to?
Tsk. Nope… when I don’t like somebody, I just plain & simple don’t LIKE them.
If you could invent a new type of fruit, what would it be like?
Ummm… a cross between a strawberry and a apple. It would taste like strawberry, look like and apple, and have the substance of a ripe pear.
If you could invent a new type of animal, what would it be like?
Hm. A cat that talked and had fingers. *laughs* Boy… talk about an interesting life.
If you had your way, what would your own personal Heaven be like?
A huge island, with everything on it that I needed to be happy. Including the love of my life & friends.
If you could have one magical power, what would it be?
Shape-shifting.
What fairytale or nursery rhyme meant a lot to you or made you really think as a child?
I didn’t really read nursey ryhmes or fairy tales as a kid. I skipped past them and went straight to grown-up books.
If you were a child again, what would you do differently knowing what you know now?
Exercise more. Make more friends. Fight like hell to be allowed to go to school. Join a ballet class.
Is there anything that you long to do, but never get around to doing it? Why?
Yeah…take a dance class and a photography class. Why? No money, too lazy.
If your pets could talk, what do you think they'd most likely say? Do you think you'd like them to retain the power?
*laughs* Oh my… I don’t have any, but if I had one I would love for them to be able to talk. And yeah…I would want them to keep the power.
Do you say that you're sorry when you realize you're wrong? Does it embarrass you to say that you're sorry?
Yes, I say I am sorry. It doesn’t embarrass me, but it tends to make me cry if I have reallllly messed up.
What do you wish your parents had done differently when raising you?
Made me play outside.
Do you wish you had more or less time alone?
I have enough time alone. I want to be alone with somebody.
What is the best gift you can think of getting for Christmas/Hanukkah, and who would give it to you?
Hm. A lifetime supply of film.
If you were to invent something really useful, what would it do?
I’d invent beaming, as in Star Trek. Very practical.
What are some of your predictions for the future of our world?
Machines will get very small. The gap between the first and third world will grow. The gap between well educated people who can adapt to the new technologies and those who can’t adapt will grow. We will have more knowledge than ever before. We will hopefully find cures for Cancer and AIDS and other Viral Infections. Or, in the more miserable ideas…we will kill ourselves, either with biological warfare, nuclear warfare, or disease.
Is there a common thread as to why your enemies dislike you? what is it?
I don’t have any enemies.
What one food would your render calorie free if you could?
SmartFood Popcorn
If there were a market for it, what type of business would you like to own, run, or frequent? (feel free to get creative)
A coffeshop/bookstore/art gallery. Obviously.
What would money look like if you could design it?
Ugh. I would get rid of it and convert it all to fingerprint access cards.
What Open Diarist do you think you have a little crush on, or think nicely of?
Hm. I don’t have a crush on anybody. I like all of them, other wise they would not be a favorite.
What season were you born in?
Winter
Are you happy with your birthday? If you could pick any day to have been born, what would it be?
I like my birthday…I wouldn’t change it.
Do you believe in past lives?
Yes. I think I was a Royal Egyptian Cat in a past life.
Do you believe in guardian angels?
Not sure.
What is your greatest talent?
Being honest and logical.
If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one talent, what would it be?
Being able to change my form.
If you could go back and live for 2 weeks in ANY time period and in any part of the world you wanted, when would it be and where? (Note: going back wouldn't change history, you would merely be an observer.)
During the building of the Pyramids. I want to see how they did it.


What do you believe the most useful invention of the 20th century was? (Note: has to be a single invention, can't be the *development* of anything or a series of inventions.)
The mechanical engine
If you had to pick up and relocate to another country, never to return to your home country again, what country would you move to, and why?
Puerto Rico. It would be warm, and I would only have to learn one new language.
What book do you wish you had written?
Love Poems, by Nikki Giovanni
What is the one historical event you would change (as in, erase it completely from ever happening)?
Slavery. At least the Trans-Atlantic version.
If you could own any famous painting and hang it in your house, which one would you pick?
Monet – Water Lillies.
What moments in your life do you wish you could live over again?
The Summers of ’92, ’93, and ’94.
The period from May 29th 2000 and Jun 26th 20000.
What is your earliest memory?
My auntie and my mother playfully tormenting me in the tub with funny foam.
Have you ever truly hated someone? Do you still? How did it affect you?
Hated? Hm. maybe, maybe not. My stepfather is most likely the closet I have ever gotten to hate.
Are you happy with your given name?
Yes. For a while I didn’t like it, but I have gotten used to it.
Do you think it should be illegal for new parents to name their children truly horrible names?
No, but I do think that the child should be able to change it as soon as they want to.
What is the one thing in your life that you regret NOT doing?
Not telling LittleOne how much I loved him from the beginning.
How much money would it take to get you to give up the internet (email, chatting, surfing--EVERYTHING) for one year? How about forever?
For a year? 10 million. Forever? *shakes head* I can’t put a price on that.
If you won the lottery (let's say 1 million or more), would you go back and give a nice chunk of money to the cashier that sold you the ticket?
Only if they gave me the numbers. Otherwise, nope.
If you were picked to be on Survivor II, what would be your luxury item?
Um. A huge journal and a pen.
If you could totally and completely give up sleep, would you do it?
Maybe, if I could still keep dreaming.
If you could totally and completely give up food, would you?
Nahh… I like eating.
Would you have chosen to be your gender if you had been given the choice? Why or why not?
Yes. I enjoy being a woman...I have so many more options than a man.
If a perfect stranger was a perfect match for a kidney donation, and it would cause you a minimum amount of discomfort, would you do it?
Yes. Why wouldn’t I?
When you die, will you donate your organs? If you are an organ donor, is there anything you would want them to leave in your body?
I am an Organ Donor, yes. And I will give all my Organs. I won’t need them, when I am dead.
In your opinion, how far should someone go to stop a person from driving drunk (if you believe they should be stopped at all)?
As far as possible. Up to and including tying them up and bopping them on the back of the head.
What religion are you? If your religion had never existed, what religion would you be today?
None. *laughs* Still none.
What is the worst crime you have ever commited?
Shoplifting.
On a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the best), how would you (honestly) rate your physical appearance?
7 or so.......
On a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the best), how would you (honestly) rate your intelligence compared to other people your age?
9
Do you believe it is wrong to marry only for money, if both partners agree to the situation?
Yes…that is a business agreement, not a marriage.
If money (for education) were no object and you had children of school age, would you send them to public school, private school, parochial school, boarding school in another country, or would you homeschool them?
Home school.
Should rapists be executed?
No, they should be raped.
Who honestly has it easier in life, women or men?
Men.
If you found your soulmate, and they were of a different race (as in, something significant, like black/white, etc) than you, would you marry them anyway?
Hell yeah.
If you found your soulmate, and they were of a different religion than you, would you marry them anyway?
Of course.
Have you ever seriously considered committing suicide. (As in, had a plan, etc?)
No. Vaguely thought about, wondering about the easiest way to do it.
If you could change one thing about your body, what would you change?
ONE thing!?! My weight.
What is the meanest thing you've ever done to someone? Did you ever apologize for it?
Mean? I don’t know… I rarely do cruel things.
What was the situation in which you felt the loneliest you have ever felt in your life?
When I had the abortion and there was no one there with me. Or afterwards. Or before.
Have you ever (honestly) had a true friend (spouses don't count!)?
Yes. Or at least I thought I did…

Powers That (don't) Be

One talent? Hmm…that isn’t a question that I have asked myself recently. A single skill that I would love to have, and that would change my life? *smiles* Yeah, I know the theme didn’t ask all that but I wanna get all up on that. I think I will do this entry as a free-flowing kinda thing…listing and the like.

A perfect linguist? That would be a useful skill, to be able to pick up on languages almost instantly.
A speed-reader? Nah… I read fast enough as it is now.

Hm. Actually, I just thought of two skills that I would love to have. One is within the realm of the possible…the other, purley wishful thinking.

The first would be the skill to be able to transfer the images I see in my minds eye to film, just as I see them. The skill to be able to record in truth what I see and to share those images with the rest of the world. I enjoy photography now…but to be able to record in truth what I see rather than the vague after images of what I saw, that would be a wonderful skill to have. What would I do if I had that skill? Hmm.. I would start by changing my career and doing what I would much prefer to be doing, going out and taking pictures, and then hooking them up with poetry and the like. Even if it isn’t my wiritngs, I would still want to do that. Of course, I would be making lovely amounts of money from it, and iwould be able to work from my home and ohhh…. it would just be wonderful.

Hm. The second skill? The ability to change myself. I have had many a dream that dealt with me using my mind and my ‘power’ to reshape myself into whatever form I wished. Usually the re-shaping came with the price of great pain, but…it was worth it. What would I do with the skill? Hmm… I would OBVIOUSLY have the body that I would consider to be perfect. I wouldn’t change my face, except to make it slimmer and to edit my nose the tiniest bit. *laughs* My boobs would get lifted & firmed, my tummy would get flattened, my thighs would get smaller & tighter, my calves would get slimmer. My backs would get stronger and slimmer, my butt would get rounder and higher and firmer…and maybe just a bit bigger. My arms would get stronger and tighter, My hair would get longer and looser and stronger. My knuckles would get smaller, my toes would get cuter. My skin would get clear and blemish free from head to toe. I might get a shade or two darker. My eyes would have 20/20 sight, my teeth would be sparkly white and straight. I would get about an inch or so shorter. The feet would have a strong and graceful arch, and I think that is about it. Fascinating…I could actually do most of that stuff with a lot of hard work and some judicious surgery. hm.

What price perfection?

stay jazzed.

Here Again

Stupid child? nope.. that doesn’t quite fit it.

I don’t know what I feel afterwards, later on. It’s an amazing drug, infatuation is…something that completely overwhelms you…but only while the infatuee is there. *sighs* I don’t know. One of my friends suggested that I simply have fun, enjoy it for now, and keep my eyes open. That is what I am doing…that is all I plan on doing…and yet I want to do more. *sighs* I feel like I am forcing myself into time table that makes no sense, and has no relation to my feelings. *shrugs* I don’t know, and it ain’t something I can constructively stress over, so… I’m just gonna live through it. The ‘but…what if’s’ are a real drain on my energy. If there was nothing else that I learned from the fiasco that was me & Papi’s relationship, it is if you look for trouble, you will find it.

Hm. Anyhow. Over the weekend I took out my braids, colored my hair, and twisted it. *sighs* Talk about an entire weekend gone. It took me about 8 hours to take me hair out, wash it, and condition it. It took me about two hours to color it, 8 more hours to twist it, and I STILL ain’t too pleased with how it looks. The color I love, it is a rich black with a red undertone ( goes great with me skin) , but the twists themselves are… so-so. My hair is wonderfully soft, and it really did grow (I could tell from the demarcation line of the reddish color vs. my natural color) almost an inch or so since I colored it. :) Wonderful hm? *sighs* The love/hate affair I have with my body parts amazes even me sometimes. Ah well.

Life…oh life…oh lifeeeeee…oh life!

I understand the need for a religion… a need for a guide to life that is more or less permanent and can fit any situation. Dammit. There are some things that even religion can’t explain.

Stay Jazzed.

Dream Reader

Well, this dream has really been bugging me, so I thought I would find a dream dictionary and find out what is really going on. I am totally into fortune-telling, dream-reading and all that jazz, because I believe that our sub-conscious mind sees and records things that our conscious mind is unwilling or afraid to accept, and sometimes through dreams and cards we are led to see with our conscious mind what the sub-conscious won’t allow us to comprehend. Anyhow…with all that said, I went to this site and grabbed the definitions for each of the major symbols in my dream. This is the dream and the items in italics are what I considered to be the major symbols in it.

The scene was I had an argument or something with someone, and I was running away from them. I ran to the edge of a cliff, and there was a group of five or six people at the bottom of the cliff, which was basically a big ledge that over-hung the sea. I stopped running for a second at the top of my cliff, and then I flung myself off. The last thing I remember thinking was ‘ah…this is what it feels like to fly’ then I hit the ground. There was no pain, just a sudden blacking out. Then I was ‘aware’ again, but in a different body…a few feet away. There was a huge puddle of blood under me, that trailed off to one side of me. Right along that trail, there was a small perfectly ovally smooth stone that sat in the blood. The other me picked it up, and took the pebble to my body. It was the strangest thing, because as I was walking back towards my body, I clearly saw myself lying there, neck twisted almost backwards, body humped up like I had curled into a ball before I hit the ground. *shakes head* The amazing part was the first thing I thought as I saw my body was ‘God…I am so fat!” *shakes head* Then I put the bloody pebble down next to my body….and the rest of the dream kind of fades away.
Okay…so I looked up what each of those symbols mean, as well as some other things, and this is what I got:

Running
If you are simply running with no goal, it may be an indication that you need to slow down in your every day life. Running in your dreams may also symbolize the energy levels, the strength, or the force that you have to get through life.
Blood
It is the life-giving, vital part of our physiology and it may symbolize our strengths and weaknesses and our physical and mental health. Some believe that when you see blood in your dream, the distressing situation in your life which is at the root of the dream has come to an end, and the worst is over.
Body
Dreaming about your body generally suggests that you are dreaming about your personal identity. Who we are is wrapped around what we look like. Our self-esteem and self-worth are too frequently dependent on our physical appearance. The body in general is the symbol of self, and the details in the dream will lead you to further interpretation.
Cliff
Standing on the edge of a cliff could be a frightening, but at the same time an exhilarating experience. Dreaming about cliffs generally indicates that the dreamer has come to a point of heightened understanding and awareness. An increase in the level of consciousness may have occurred. Through hard work and perseverance, the dreamer may have reached a vantage or plateau of understanding.
Death
Dreaming about death is very common and it can be interpreted in many different ways. Death is usually a symbol of some type of closure or end. It implies an end to one thing and a beginning of another. Death dreams usually have positive symbolism. If you are the dead person in your dream, it could imply that you would like to leave all of your worries and struggles behind and begin anew.
Falling
This is a common dream which usually represents underlying fears and feelings of inadequacy and helplessness. Interpret your dream by considering your primary fears, current difficulties, and situations in your life that seem to be on a downward spiral, especially those situations that seem outside of your control (financial, romantic , etc.). Superstition based dream interpretations say that if you fall a long distance in your dream and get hurt, be prepared for really hard times ahead; but if you fall and are not injured your upsets will be minor and temporary.
Rocks
The connotation of this symbol as with all other dream symbols, depends on the details and the mood of the dream. The rock or rocks in your dream could represent a variety of different ideas, but it usually has something to do with matters of this physical world. They may represent earthiness, sturdiness, stability, and a solid foundation. On the other hand, they could represent physical obstacles or difficulties which the dreamer needs to overcome.
Suicide
It could suggest that the dreamer is making progress and is becoming a more "integrated" person. All of us have many aspects to our personality and our character. Dreaming that you are committing suicide may be symbolic of you "killing" of one aspect of your self. Possibly an aspect of self that is hurtful. For example if you were a smoker and you stopped smoking in your dream you may need to "kill" the smoker in yourself.

Now, if I put all of that together, and look at what else is going on in my life…this is what I get out of it.
1) The calm leap off of the cliff ending in the death of my fat body.
I interpret this to mean that I have reached a point of understanding about my body, and my view of it. I feel like it is indicating that I have reached a point where I understand that being fat is not good, and I am freely willing to kill the fat person that I am.
If I look at the dream as relating to my emotional standpoint, I would see it meaning that I have reached a point of calm, and that I am killing the wound-up, over-suspicious part of me.
2) The trail of blood and the stone
The hard part of me killing the fat is over, and if I can make the obstacles that stand in front of me attach themselves to the same thing that the fat represents, I will be fine.
Emotionally, it would mean that I have come to a point where I no longer have to worry about betrayal or being alone, that that period of my life is over, but there are still some obstacles to be moved before I can truly say that phase of my life is complete.
Other random notes to bring it all together
Falling: I both fell & got hurt & did not get hurt. Hm. In fact, I never really felt the moment of impact…so I am not sure where to go with that. Maybe the falling is better considered to be the means of suicide, and that should be the upper-most symbol I pull out of it.
Running: I have the willpower and the force to kill the parts of me that I no longer need, even if I don’t realize it.
*sighs* Overall, according to this ‘interpretation’ that dream indicates all good things. That things I want to change, will be changing and that I will be able to follow the plans I have and do what I need to do. Hm.

Stay Jazzed.

The Season's A-Changing

*wiggles with joy* It’s Friday Friday Friday…AND it's the first day of Fall. Ahh...the sun shall show his face less and less until December. hmm. I wonder if I will be here then, or will I be in Pa? hm.

*sighs* It has taken way toooo long for this day to get here, and at the same time, this week has simply flownnnnnnnn by. *smiles* Anyhow….

Went home last night and cleaned up my house, then collapsed in a sexy sweet smelling heap on my bed. I lavished myself…hot hot shower, oil rub, sweet smelling lotion. Ummhmmmm I was a hot mamma!! The water in this city is so hard that it dries out my skin something horrible. So, every once in a while I have to really pamper myself, other wise I will turn into a rough and dry husk of a woman. *laughs* That is one good thing about this diet I am trying to stick to…I don’t have to worry about lacking enough fat to keep me sleek. Ummhmm…

*ch* That is my new sound..part surprise, part sigh. Sounds like cheese without the ‘ease’ part. Anyhow…that is the sound I am making right now. *ch* Why? Because…hmm.. I want to talk about this but not sure how.. so I will let my fingers work on their own. Anyhow.. me & Papi had re-started our daily emails back & forth…calm & casual…rather nice. So, yesterday…(the day before?) I made a comment that was unabashedly salacious…:) not hot-assed, just red-blooded, and he expressed surprise that I would make such a comment to him… I told him that once I got over something, I was well and truly over it, and that my feelings for him/about him had reverted to what I felt like the beginning of this year. When asked what those feelings were, I told him that I looked upon him as a brother and a friend, with no chance of anything romantic happening EVER. Period. I told him that I had to move on…hm.

Somehow, I don’t think that was quite the response he was expecting at all, because he said that he needed to take some time away to re-set HIS emotional state and what he was feeling. I want to write about this because I am wondering what he expected…did he think that there would remain the possibility of us getting back together? that I would continue to carry a flame for him? For a while…yes, I did. I will admit it, but then I realized that if I kept carrying a flame for him I would not be able to catch a flame for or from anyone else, and that led me to drop that firebrand like it was hot.

So…now we are off-limits until Thursday, and I am without a doubt curious to see what if anything he will say when he comes back. Hm. I don’t know…I couldn’t go back with him…simply because I couldn’t. *laughs* Even if we had not broke up in the manner that we did, I would not risk our friendship again… not for shit. That was one of the main rules in Jazzy Rules for Dating & Relationships…and that is one I am not going to break for ANYBODY…especially mi Papi.

Money Money Money… hm hm hm… :) So wonderful to spend it. I have been buying stuff like mad online. music & videos & other stuff. Hmmmm…. I am going to get paid again soon, and I need to drop off my rent check for next month. hm hm hm. I am trying to be good, but I know that tonight I am going to be spending amazing amounts of money on hair stuff tonight/this evening. I wish I knew where a hair supply store was so I wouldn’t have to spend the enormous amounts of money that I know I am going to drop in CVS. Ah well….

Tonight will be a test of Chef. :) I am going to be taking my hair out, and if he can handle me wild & funky hair and all, he might just be a keeper. He has asked me to be ‘his lady’…and while the thought gives me a frisson of delight, I’m not sure. I need some time to think about it. Besides, I have only known him for *thinks* 22 days. We met on first Friday, which this month happened to be the first of the month. *sighs* I don’t know what to do… confusion confusion confusion.

Hmm.. for lunch there will be Carribean food. :) Yum.

Stay Jazzed.

Flying Around

I had a dream last night. It was interesting because I don’t remember ever having a death dream before, and it was odd because it was so calm. The scene was I had an argument or something with someone, and I was running away from them. I ran to the edge of a cliff, and there was a group of five or six people at the bottom of the cliff, which was basically a big ledge that over-hung the sea. I stopped running for a second at the top of my cliff, and then I flung myself off. The last thing I remember thinking was ‘ah…this is what it feels like to fly’ then I hit the ground.

There was no pain, just a sudden blacking out. Then I was ‘aware’ again, but in a different body…a few feet away. There was a huge puddle of blood under me, that trailed off to one side of me. Right along that trail, there was a small perfectly ovally smooth stone that sat in the blood. The other me picked it up, and took the pebble to my body. It was the strangest thing, because as I was walking back towards my body, I clearly saw myself lying there, neck twisted almost backwards, body humped up like I had curled into a ball before I hit the ground. *shakes head* The amazing part was the first thing I thought as I saw my body was ‘God…I am so fat!” *shakes head* Then I put the bloody pebble down next to my body….and the rest of the dream kind of fades away.

*shivers* It was quite…odd. I can still see so clearly my body laid out over the grass, my braids laying so that they covered my face, and me just laying so very very still. Hm. I just wanted to record that…just in case it matters for something. Interpretations anyone??

Hm. In other news…Chef & me had an amazing long conversation last night, with me tip-toeing around almost everything that I am thinking/feeling, as I am so skilled at doing. I wrote earlier about my need…the need that I have to be loved, to have some security and stability in my life. Because of that need, I can feel myself grasping at him like he is a life preserver, and I don’t want to use him like that…because once the need is gone, where will the connection to him be. But at the same time, I wonder if hidden under the glow of the need, there is a true attraction to him. I mean…it’s scary. But as I told him last night, there is something missing from how I feel about him.

I know I don’t love him…but I do care for him. There is no real mystery there…I feel like I know him even though I don’t really…*sighs* I don’t know. I am in a state of limbo, where I refuse to let my heart out to play unless I KNOW that the play time won’t end. But I won’t KNOW that the playtime won’t end until I actually START playing. Catch-22, anyone? * softly chants the Litany Against Fear * So what shall I do? *grins* If anything, I know that I am infatuated with the man…he occupies a good deal of my free time. But it isn’t the same feeling that I had with Papi, or with JEH, or with any of my previous love-interests. There is a platonically sexual vibe going on that is confusing the fuck outta me.

I can’t figure out if I want him for a brother or a lover. And the fact that he is the safest straight man I have ever met isn’t helping either. He is sexually aggressive enough to be straight, but he has learned the art of the kind caress simply for the sake of touch NOT to be. *laughs* I tease him on a regular because he lived in San Francisco for almost 3 years while he was in school… hmm… maybe some things DO rub off huh?

Ugh. I feel totally better emotionally, but that is most likely because of the amazing sugar rush that is flooding my body. I broke down last night and ate some chips & some popcorn. I am starting to scare myself, because I truly toyed with the idea of throwing it all back up. *sighs* I have been exercising half-heartedly, but the food thing is really starting to get to me. *sighs* And I was just boasting about the control I have over my body to someone. *snorts* Every setback just lets me know even more how important it is that I beat this monkey. I have GOT to get over this food thing. I know I am an emotional eater, and I am a hopeless snacker. I have to do better…I have been considering joining one of the OD weight loss journals, but somehow I don’t think Atkins would be taken very well there. If I could just get myself into induction I would be fine. *sucks teeth* Umph.

I have hair issues…larger and larger ones. My braids have about two good weeks left, and that might be stretching it a bit. I am going to trim it this weekend, but I want to figure out a way to get it curled and KEEP it curled. The agony I went through two (or was that one? ) week ago wasn’t worth the 1 ½ days worth of half-assed curls I had. And nothing looks yeecher than a chopped off head of perfectly straight hair. Hm. I will have to think on this one for a bit. OR maybe I will just take it out this weekend. Hm. That’s a thought. If I go and get some more Pantene, I should be able to take it out over the weekend. *thinks* hmm… and if I do that, I will have to color it again too…hmmmmm. Yeah. I think I will. It will give me something to do this weekend. :)

*nods* Yes… I will. I need to see how much of my hair has grown back out dark already. Maybe I will re-dye the whole mess ebony black again. *sighs* *grins* I just realized that I miss my hair. It’s a damn shame, I have only had these braids for a little over a month now. Ah well… I guess this is just another sign that it is time to get back to the real me. I hope it is kinda warm outside this weekend. That way I can sit on the balcony and do this and hopefully avoid getting hair all into my carpet. :) Yeah. This is gonna feel gggggooooooddddd.


Stay Jazzed.

This is what I get...

I am being punished for daring to bitch about doing something boring…now I have nothing to do at all. I feel like an intern, like I should be doing around asking people… ‘hey…do you have anything you want be to do?’. I feel worthless, useless, like I really don’t need to be here and that I am not really wanted. *sighs* Hump day…the middle of the week.

Dammit I want to be able to do SOMETHING… anything. Really.. please? I emailed my super about me being done (I talked about this yesterday) and I am wondering how stupid I would be to go back and plead with him to give me something to do. I am waiting to get access to test director, and I am not sure how I should approach my ‘counterpart’ about her showing me some stuff. *sighs* This whole shy/nervous/uncertain thing has GOT to get squashed. *grins* Although it does seem like she spends almost as much time on the web as I do…that or totally out of the office.

Hmmm… just checked her calendar…she doesn’t have anywhere NEAR enough meetings to be gone so much.. so I am guessing that she is fucking around too. *sighs* My super said that there are phases in testing….some points where there is a hell of a lot of it being done, and other points where there is hardly anything getting done. This is one of those points, and I am new too…so I guess I should just rein my hot-to-trot self in. but *sighs* dammit I want SOMETHING to do.

I got to work later than usual too, which means I am stuck here until 5:00 instead of my usual 4:30….argh. I want to go shopping to cheer myself up (yeah I KNOW!) but….I am too cheap to do that. :) I AM trying to economize…mainly because I want to get a two months jump on my rent…in case it ever gets tight. I have October’s rent now, and when I get paid on the 30th I am going to pay November’s rent, and when I get paid on the 15th of Oct I’m going to pay Decembers rent. Which means I will be covered for two months…each month I will be paying the rent to cover the month after the next one. *shrugs* It just makes me feel better.

*sighs* I am at the point now where the least bit of criticism will start me crying. I nearly teared up when a co-worker asked me if I was on the web…yeah… is that a bad thing? Ugh!!! This whole insecuirty shit SUCKS.
*sighs* I am looking for distance learning course now… and it seems to be going pretty well. I will be in a course by January, Spring 01. *sighs* Maybe that will help.

Well… I’ve found five different places. Let’s see how many of them she approves, and then how many are being offered in January, and how many I could afford. :) That shouldn’t be too bad. *sighs* Then I will be done with school… for real.

Hm. I seem to have forgotten to eat lunch. *shrugs* Side effect of my emotions or my diet? Or is the diet the cause of my emotions…and thus the root of both? Ch…

Oh yeah. I’m leaving at 4:30. Dammit.

Stay Jazzed.

In Conclusion

It’s interesting, but I don’t feel like I have finished eating until I have something that ‘tops’ the meal off. Like today, even though my body was saying ‘hey.. I’m full’ I still wanted something else…I felt like something was missing. So… I grabbed a box of mints, and sucked on one of them. Voila! Meal completed.

*shakes head* It’s sad….I have noticed that I just tend to eat…not because I’m hungry, but because I want to eat. Hopefully, eating as much protein as I am will wean me of that…because there are very few things that I can binge on comfortably that are protein. It’s now that I am limiting myself to what I can and cannot eat that I start to notice the urges to eat that have nothing to do with a need to eat. Like Smartfood popcorn…I could eat 2…sometimes 3 big bags of it in one sitting without even realizing it, simply because I wasn’t consciously eating. I was just gorging myself until my body simply refused to take anymore. One of my friends commented that with all of the protein I am eating, I am going to be skinny and fall over and die of heart disease. *sighs* I figure I’m going to have to go sometime, I might as well be skinny when I do. *sighs*

I was hoping that taking a lunch break and reading a bit would make me feel better, but on my way back from lunch I nearly started crying. *sighs* This is really ridiculous…to do so danggone melancholy. I know I miss my mommy, and I know that if I see one more couple hugging/kissing I’mma puke, and I know that the sight of an engagement ring sends me swirling into the mists of eternally dammed single-hood, and I know that all these damn pregnant women running around are going to drive me to drink, which I can’t have on this diet anyway, and I know I can’t just grab a big lucious hunk of chocolate caramel swirl something to get over it…but I don’t know what I am going to do about it. AARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

And my supervisor has told me (in nicely couched words) that I need to just sit back and chill and soon there will be a big testing series that we have to do (in early OCTOBER) that I will be neck deep in, and until then I will most likely just be learning the testing equipment. Pleasssseeee… let this testing equipment not be the stuff I was working on before. Pretty please?
Grr. Grr. Grr.

I have been teaching myself how to crochet…using a book. It is pretty fun, and I can see myself making some thing really nice. I know that the first real thing that I am going to make will be a throw (a reallllly big blanket) I am thinking about making it out of blue, purple and cream chenille, but I’m not sure. I want something big and cushy and comforting. *sighs*


Stay Jazzzzed.

Prayer

I pray
with bated breath
the beats of my heart
counting out the rosary
of my penitence
I kneel
before something so great
it is unknowable
and plead
for what I have not yet
earned
I supplicate
the deaf god
of my world
I show
the blind ruler
of this universe
my pains
I entreat
the heartless creator
to free me
from its creation
and receive nothing
but
less hope
less faith
less trust
in the god of
my doubting heart


People casually say: “pray for me” or “I will pray for you”. I wished that I could utter those words, and feel the security and peace in the utterance that it will make a difference, that something will actually be changed by just the concerted thoughts of people on the problem. Belief in prayer however, implies belief in a god that listens, in a creator that acknowledges me and my petty pains and minor issues, and pessimistic as it may be, I think that if there were a god like that, we would have had another flood, another rain of fire and brimstone, another huge natural disaster that would shake human kind out of their sheep like idiocy and stoic cruelty to each other.

*shrugs* Maybe it’s a really narrow view of humans, but as a whole, we are a really twisted species. *sighs* And anything that allows us to keep on doing what we are doing to each other and the world we live on, doesn’t seem like something I would want to put my faith and trust in.

Stay Jazzed.

Emotion

swaying
in the sea wind
my toes rooted
to the center of the world
my arms raised
hands like twin moons
I take in
the sea
the sky
the sun
and become whole

I got my new CD’s from Columbia house yesterday, and one of the ones I got was Jazzyfatnastees The Once and Future . Can I say that these sisters are jamming? They remind me of someone but I can’t figure out who. They are singing…forgive me sanging and it is a really peaceful groove. Especially the songs Unconventional Ways and Related to Me .

I’m all disturbed. My innards feel all flip-floppy, like there is something that I was supposed to do and have neglected for so long that nothing can fix it. I think I might just need some sleep (I am going home and going STRAIGHT to bed tonight…really),but…I think it is something more. Something is nagging at the edges of my mind, and I wish it would just be bold and step out, or I would be bold enough to pry into myself and figure it out. I feel like I am forgetting to breathe, and am living on borrowed air and memories.

I have to do something for my mommy. I have been reading through some of my favorites diaries, and talking to people, and I realize that the peacefully beautifully strong relationship I have with my mother is priceless. I can honestly say that I LOVE my mother, without any hesitations, without any quibbles, without even the thought that she could change. She is perfect just the way she is…*smiles* for an example… I WANT to turn into my mother as I get older. I think that nothing else would make me feel better that to grow into the woman that she is.

*shivers* I’m all emotional for no clear reason…and I’m not even hormonal. Ugh. This sucks. Maybe it’s the music. I have been listening to these women all last night, and all day today (since I’ve been at work). But the music you listen it reflects your mood… right? I can’t imagine listening to anything else right now…

Stay Jazzed.

9/19/00

I am worried about one of my freimly. He has been getting sick a lot lately, and he thinks he might have HIV. *sighs*

He has been tested twice, but conveniently avoids going to get the results. I understand his fear of getting the results, and I am scared for him. I have enough gay friends that I expect AIDS to touch me and mine at some point, but because they are all so young, I hoped that the whole AIDS terror had sunk in far enough that there was no way one of them would get caught. I have never known anyone personally who had HIV/AIDS (at least that I know of) and the thought of BabyBoy having it…scares me.

It scares me because I don’t know what I would do…I don’t know what I would say. I don’t even know what I COULD do for him…and if I am feeling this way, how is HE feeling? I can’t bear to utter the mealy platitudes of soothing concern to him…this ain’t the clap we are talking about here…this is AIDS.

*sighs* And…we aren’t even going to start talking about the amount of love lost between him and his family (parents). I feel so selfish for repeatedly talking about ME me me….but I can’t even presume to talk about him. Mercy…just the thought of it makes me want to cry.

It is an unavoidable thing, the kind of force that bears down on you and changes your life from that moment on. And considering that I only get to see him (usually) once or twice a year…this is really shaking me up. I wish I could be there for him…(as if he doesn’t have plenty of friends and support there) but still…selfishly, for the ease of my own heart, I want to be there to hold his hand (either way) to give him a hug…to soothe his fears.

And if he is sick, *sighs* I want to be there so that he won’t have to fear losing another friend…so that he has another person to lean on, to talk to, to cry on & with. *sighs* It’s amazing how I never feel the need to pray for myself, but am always willing and feel the urge to pray for others.

stay jazzed

9/19/00

I am worried about one of my freimly. He has been getting sick a lot lately, and he thinks he might have HIV. *sighs*

He has been tested twice, but conveniently avoids going to get the results. I understand his fear of getting the results, and I am scared for him. I have enough gay friends that I expect AIDS to touch me and mine at some point, but because they are all so young, I hoped that the whole AIDS terror had sunk in far enough that there was no way one of them would get caught. I have never known anyone personally who had HIV/AIDS (at least that I know of) and the thought of BabyBoy having it…scares me.

It scares me because I don’t know what I would do…I don’t know what I would say. I don’t even know what I COULD do for him…and if I am feeling this way, how is HE feeling? I can’t bear to utter the mealy platitudes of soothing concern to him…this ain’t the clap we are talking about here…this is AIDS.

*sighs* And…we aren’t even going to start talking about the amount of love lost between him and his family (parents). I feel so selfish for repeatedly talking about ME me me….but I can’t even presume to talk about him. Mercy…just the thought of it makes me want to cry.

It is an unavoidable thing, the kind of force that bears down on you and changes your life from that moment on. And considering that I only get to see him (usually) once or twice a year…this is really shaking me up. I wish I could be there for him…(as if he doesn’t have plenty of friends and support there) but still…selfishly, for the ease of my own heart, I want to be there to hold his hand (either way) to give him a hug…to soothe his fears.

And if he is sick, *sighs* I want to be there so that he won’t have to fear losing another friend…so that he has another person to lean on, to talk to, to cry on & with. *sighs* It’s amazing how I never feel the need to pray for myself, but am always willing and feel the urge to pray for others.

stay jazzed

Is the Ant Jealous of the Grasshopper?

*sighs* I think I may have figured out what I want out of life. I want permanence. I want some stability. I want to know that spring death & disaster, some things will be steady as the sun rising in the morning. I want love. I want a sense of fulfillment and peace that will pervade everything that I do. I want to be loved by someone for the rest of my life, and be able to love them for even longer. I want to be able to go to a job I enjoy and that stimulates me, and return to a home that is mine and is filled with love. I want to be able to afford what I need, and be able to splurge on what I want.

I don’t think that I am asking for too much, and I think that what I am asking for, I can achieve. At least the parts that deal solely with me. I can handle that. I can build a palace of peace for myself. I can achieve some fulfillment in what I do. I can find or create a job that I enjoy & am stimulated by. I can develop what I need to be able to spend what I need to spend where & when I need to spend it.

It’s the love part that has me worried. I can’t force myself to love someone, and I can’t force someone to love me. All I can do is build a person that I can love in myself, and love myself, and hope & pray that the person who I can love with the permanence of the rising and setting sun comes into my life. And I can keep myself open to the chance of them coming through my life maybe more than once, maybe only once, and I have to be ready to grab at that chance…without being too ready to grab at any chance.

*sighs* I am waaaayyyy too young to hear my biological ‘clock’ ticking, but I feel like it is…or maybe a clock closely related to it. I have said that I want to have at least one child before I am thirty, and I want to be able to spend at least three years alone with my husband before that happens. Clearly, that means I need to be married by the time I am 27.

However, I want to know the person I am going to marry for at least 2 years before we get engaged, and I am giving room for a year long engagement. Can anybody say 24? *sighs* I am 23, and don’t have even the faintest glimmer of a husband on the horizon. *laughs* And to add insult to injury, I don’t WANT to find that husband type anytime soon, because I am enjoying just meeting and grooving with people. The next man I have sex with, I want to be able to consider him for husband material.

Mercy KNOWS that the next man I fall in love with I want to be able to consider husband material. So where does that leave me? In a spot where heart battles against heart, and head fights to stick to the plan, and somewhere in the background I am wondering if it is all just a waste of time and I should be saving up for a good sperm donor instead. And to add an even more painful twist to this, I don’t have any girly’s to talk to. The lovely ladies that I do call my friends are so busy & wrapped up in their own lives and loves and jobs and goals, that to take time from their endeavours to spout the confused nonsense that is tap-dancing its way across my heart on a daily basis seems vaguely insulting.

So I’m not sure if what I am feeling is normal, and if it is…what the hell everyone else is doing about it. I haven’t leapt over that wild & free stage, because I am neck deep in it right now. I am just being a little ant, making plans for the cool of my latter years while the sun of my youth is still blazing bright. Madness? maybe… a waste of cycle time? Perhaps…but it is something that lurks in the back of my head like sore tooth I can’t help but to prod.

*sighs* Sometimes I wish I could act like a grasshopper, and spring through life unconcerned about what tomorrow will bring. *sighs*

Stay Jazzed

Return of The Spaced Out

Well…..I’m back.
I completely crashed & burned with my diet this weekend, but dammit I am back on track. Exercise routine starts this week, so I might start an exercise tracker too. It’s interesting how I react to keeping track of everything I eat. IT makes me more aware, simply by posting it, that other folx will be seeing how good/bad I am doing. Sad that I am so constrained by others eyes. Umph.

This weekend was cool. I went to super walmart and spent a little more than 300 bucks on food, and some other random stuff. I have more meat & fish & cheese than I know what to do with. I made some quiches (YUMMY!!) and some breakfast muffins (not too bad). Also got plenty of ‘safe’ snacky stuff so I can ease my way through work. I wasn’t really too deep into Ketosis when I checked myself on Friday, and I know quite well after the debauchery of the weekend, I am far far out of ketosis. *sighs* Anyhow, with the exercise, I know that I will be aiight. I brought a scale too *shudders* It’s amazing how much I weigh. I step on the scale, and then I look t my body and I am like DAMN!! Where is all of it? It’s amazing all of the places on your body that can hold fat, that you would never even think of. I suspect it will be those hidden places that help out on the poundage loss.

Hmm… on the ‘romantic’ side, no… I am NOT giving up any ass (Thanks for the note Kel!!) Taxi (hereafter known as Chef (duh!!)) still has not shown any Dr. Jeykell – Mr. Hyde tendencies. He spent the night at my place Saturday night after he got off of work, and it was nice. :) Cool, but nice. He is a fun fellow to have around. I feel the initial euphoria of meeting this wonderful person fading, and know will come the long term test of whether or not he is worth it. :)

The other fellow I have been hanging with (BC) is… *sighs* he is a cool fellow…but he is odd. I don’t know. I am used to a certain kind of person, certain rules of interaction, and he just doesn’t have a clue. I need to figure out a polite way of telling somebody to get the hell out of my house. Umph. *shrugs* There is no chemistry of any kind there…not even really the kind that could build into somebody being ‘adopted’. *sniffs* and he is way to concerned about the fact that I make more money than he does. *shrugs* I refuse to put up with that kind of pettiness.

On the work front *ARRGGGHHHH*!! I know what I have been assigned to do is worthwhile, and it is something that needs to be done to help the project along as a whole. But dear god, could I be doing anything more boring? I was without internet access for most of the morning, and I thought I was going to go stark raving mad. But, I’m almost done, so that is a good thing. *shrugs* I still don’t feel like I fit, still tip-toeing and stepping around stuff. *sighs* I do like the fact that where I sit, my super can’t see me. HEHEHEHeeeee…..

I got cable this weekend, *sigh* and there STILL ain’t jack on television. Ah well…. more channel surfing for me.

I’m off. Work *shudder* calls…


Stay Jazzed.

All I can do

Can I say ROOOWRRRR!! *lol* :) I am truly enjoying the delightfully swinging single lifestyle. I was supposed to meet a fellow who worked here for lunch today, but regretfully we missed each other. However I just got off the phone with him and… :) He has a lovely voice. No NO NO there ain’t no interest...but it’s fun. I have figured out how I will manage to keep myself uninvolved with.. *thinks* what shall I call him? *LOL* I’ll call him Taxi….anyhow, I like Taxi.. and I know how I am about falling into relationships before I need to based on my desire. However, if I keep myself busy both with other things and other people I am not going to get all caught up. *sighs* A solution I can most certainly live with, considering that it vibes with what I want to do anyhow…

Something else I was wondering…we are just a little bit too much alike, and I wonder how much of our similarities are based on him parroting me. If he is consciously trying to be like me so that I will like him more? For what reason? To get some ass? *rolls eyes* That is working a little TOO hard in my humble opinion. Really…I don’t know. The amazing thing about all of the horrors I lay at his feet is that there is no motive that I can see. I mean why would he be purposely out to twist himself into some damn near paragon of perfection…just for a nice case of fuckwittage? I think that would be taking things a bit too far honestly. *shakes head* He don’t even KNOW me…. *sighs* the shadows that lurk in the hearts of men.

Anyhow…while I was idly poking around on here today.. I noticed that I am close to reaching the 500 mark on notes. *laughs* I am a slowpoke without a doubt. My diary has never been a widely read one, and I haven’t developed the *thinks* bonds on here that so many others seemed to have formed. *laughs* And a good bit of the bonds I have formed have come from interacting with people I ‘met’ from others diaries. *sighs* That is me… the girl on the edge of the circle. I have never been one of those folx who manages to *thinks* click with people quickly and keep friends easily. It’s rather sad. Of course… I don’t have that many entries, and my life has tended to be a rather dull one…very few real highs or lows of joy OR pain. I’m not very funny…so it is just a matter of people actually being interested in the random mostly superficial spewings of my brain. *sighs* With all that depressing and pity-party stuff said, I thank and greatly appreciate each and every person who swings through here to see what is going on in my life. Thanks ya’ll.


Stay Jazzed.

She's DEAD

Hmm...as I was rooting through my mailbox... I found this...

On August 26, 1995, at 11:55 p.m., while struggling with the reality of being a human instead of a myth, the strong black woman passed away, without the slightest bit of hoopla.
Medical sources say that she died of natural causes, but those who knew & used her know she died from: being silent when she should have been screaming, milling when she should have been raging, being sick & not wanting anyone to know because her pain might inconvenience them, and an overdose of other people clinging on to her when she didn't even have energy for herself.

She died from loving men who didn't love themselves and could only offer her a crippled reflection.
She died from raising children alone and not doing a complete job.
She died from the lies her grandmother told her mother & her mother told her about life, men & racism.
She died from being sexually abused as a child and having to take that truth everywhere she went every day of her life, exchanging the humiliation for guilt & back again.
She died from being battered by someone who claimed to love her & she allowed the battering to go on to show she luvvvvvvvvv'd him too.
She died from asphyxiation, coughing up blood from secrets she kept trying to burn away instead of allowing herself the kind of nervous break-down she was entitled to, but only white girls could afford.
She died from being responsible, because she was the last rung on the ladder & there was no one under her she could dump on.

The strong black woman is dead.

She died from the multiple births of children she never really wanted but was forced to have by the strangling morality of those around her.
She died from being a mother at 15 & a grandmother at 30 and an ancestor at 45.
She died from being dragged down and sat upon by unevolved women posing as sisters.
She died from pretending the life she was living was a Kodak moment instead of a 20th century, post-slavery nightmare.
She died from tolerating Mr. Pitiful, just to have a man around the house. She died from lack of orgasms because she never learned what made her body happy & no one took the time to teach her and sometimes, when she found arms that were tender, she died because they belonged to the same gender.
She died from sacrificing herself for everybody & everything when what she really wanted to do was be a singer, a dancer, or some magnificent other.
She died from lies of omission because she didn't want to bring the black man down.
She died from race memories of being snatched & snatched & raped & snatched & sold & snatched & bred & snatched & whipped & snatched &worked to death.
She died from tributes from her counterparts who should have been matching her efforts instead of showering her with dead words & empty songs.
She died from myths that would not allow her to show weakness without being chastised by the lazy and hazy.
She died from hiding her real feelings until they became monstrously hard & bitter enough to invade her womb & breasts like angry tumors.
She died from always lifting something from heavy boxes to refrigerators.

The strong black woman is dead.

She died from the punishments received from being honest about life, racism & men.
She died from being called a bitch for being verbal, a dyke for being assertive & a whore for picking her own lovers.
She died from never being enough of what men wanted, or being too much for the men she wanted.
She died from being too black & died again for not being black enuff.
She died from castration every time somebody thought of her as only a woman, or treated her like less than a man.
She died from being misinformed about her mind, her body & the extent of her royal capabilities.
She died from knees pressed too close together because respect was never part of the foreplay that was being shoved at her.
She died from loneliness in birthing rooms & aloneness in abortion centers.
She died of shock in courtrooms where she sat, alone, watching her children being legally lynched.
She died in bathrooms with her veins busting open with self-hatred & neglect.
She died in her mind, fighting life, racism, & men, while her body was carted away & stashed in a human warehouse for the spiritually mutilated.

And sometimes when she refused to die, when she just refused to give in she was killed by the lethal images of blonde hair, blue eyes & flat butts, rejected to death by the O.J.'s, the Quincy's, & the Poitier's.
Sometimes, she was stomped to death by racism & sexism, executed by hi-tech ignorance while she carried the family in her belly, the community on her head, & the race on her back.

The strong silent, shit- talking black woman is dead.

Or is she still alive and kicking?

I know I am still here.

Of Value

retreat with grace
into a state
of absolved shame.

*smiles* I had a very…low key date last night. I was tired as hell by the time I got home, and really wasn’t in the mood for anything as active as our first date where we walked halfway around downtown.
So instead, we stayed in my house…ordered out, and talked. *grins* Man…conversation is wonderful. Anyhow… in the process of the conversation, he asked me what the best gift I have ever gotten has been. Since I am not really much of a materialistic person (contrary to how I may appear) , it was a really hard question. I think that it would be a great OD theme entry..but I wanted to try to answer it. I never answered him, mainly because I am still not sure.

I greatly value the jewelry I have been given, but it is nothing that I wold be remarkably upset to lose. In fact, I think that the pictures I have been given as gifts would ave to be my most valued gifts. I have three that I love…and they all have places of honor in my bedroom. The first is a silly picture that Nee took of me & her while she was at my house. :) It’s a lovely potrait of two women, and she put it in a frame that says ‘sisters’ in a lot of different ways. I love that picture.

Another gift is a baby picture of me, on a base that has my bronzed baby shoes sitting on them. My mother gave me that one for my 21st birthday. The last picture is an actual picture of my mommy, taken while she was in San Francisco visiting a friend. Those are the gifts that I value the most, because they outline the valued relationships I have in my life… *sighs* those that I hold closest to me heart. *sniffs* I miss my mommy.


Stay Jazzed.

Terrorized Mind

Good Morning world!! :) I had a lovely night, and the sunrise this morning seemed to portend wonderful things. I have been watching them for the past month (oh my god..I have been here for a whole MONTH already?!?) and the one this morning was simply exceptional. *sighs* Who needs to go to church when you have symbols of the Creators beauty & strength waking you up every morning?? It’s rather early yet, but I don’t much feel like doing any work just now. Maybe later…after I finish my coffee. It is going to be ugly if I can’t get into induction because of this coffee, and when I stop drinking it I suffer from withdrawal. Ugh. That would make me a real grumpy gussina.

The moon is full now, and it shines right into my window. If I get to bed early enough, the whole room is lit by a lovely silvery glow, such a peaceful thing to go to bed with. *smiles* I never really noticed before how the moon makes a procession around the night sky, moving from almost due west to almost due east over the course of a month. I can only see the moon when it is full. *laughs* Having this view is so interesting I am considering buying a alamanac so that I know what is going on. For example, there is a very bright ‘star’ that rises around 9’ish and I assume sets close to the morning. Stars don’t move during the night, so I am assuming it is a planet. But which one? :) That is one of the few things that I hate about living in the city, there is way too much smog & light. You can’t see the stars in all of their glowing beauty.

Hmm… that was a fruitful session. *smiles* The star is my ‘home’ planet, jupiter. Ain’t that just peachy ?
Bored bored bored. *sighs*
As wonderful as the internet is, there comes a point when you just get SICK of it. It’s a Thursday that needs to be a Friday. *sighs*

LUNNNNCHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

*smacks lips* Ah. That was good. I am still once again back in this place that I call work, but the chance to escape for 2 hours (shhhhh…don’t tell anybody) has been simply heavenly.

blah blah blah. I’m quite bitter. I signed up for earthlink, and now I can’t connect to the ‘net for hook or crook. I think one of my files has been corrupted, and I am going to try to see if I can get on long enough to download the file out of my mail box ( my laptop doesn’t have a disk drive…ain’t that odd) and then re-install the file. Hopefully that will fix it. I was going to call Acer’s tech support line, but they were going to charge me 2.95 a MINUTE for help. Out-freaking-rageous. Umph….so I figured I would take matters into my own lovely hands. But then again it might not be a bad thing for me to not be able to get online from home…yeah I wouldn’t be able to check email & the OD on weekends (unless I went to the library) and my phone bill would most likely go up because I would be calling most of my friends rather than IM’ing them…but at the same time it would encourage me to get the HELL out of the house…do stuff offline.

hmmm.. that was fun. I like these new colors…what else can I change? Hmm..slanty writing. I like….Okay…I’m satisfied. *smiles* Now what? I would change my name or my location, but I like them, they still fit. Hm. There. All Done.

Ugh. I sooo freaking sleepy. Bathroom break! Ugh ugh ugh. Almost Friday. The only thing that is keeping me sane. I am meeting with another co-worker for lunch tomorrow, so that should make it go a little quicker. Hm. I am tired of hearing myself bitch, so I’m done.


Stay Jazzed.

Umph.

I refuse to get giddy. :) But I am happy to be proven wrong. Yeah.. he called me. :) I have another date for tomorrow night. And that is all I am going to say about that, and about him today.

I have been having carb cravings like mad, and considering both breakfast and lunch required me consciously giving up bread, I am rather proud of my will power. Also, I willingly passed up on the free ice cream that came with the meal. *smiles* I know that I do not have the right mind set for Atkins. I am looking at this as STRICTLY a diet. Something that I will do to et where I need to be, and then gradually taper off of. I know that after limiting my intake of certain foods for so long, it is easy to continue to curtail the eating of those foods. But, I know that I will not be able to make it without carbs for the rest of my life. Really, I am not even TRYING to. Anyhow…

Work is still dull. I have to slow down in doing what I was doing so that other folx will get a chance to do it. And since I ain’t in a cubby (tho I do have a desk of my own now) I can’t sneak and read, and there are only but so many bathroom break a sista can take in a day. I am going to go and take my passport pictures today so that I can turn in this application. I doubt that I am going anywhere any time soon, but just in case…it is always good thing to have.

I have been slacking in looking for schools, though I have found a few places that look like they will be good for me. Distance learners sponsored by a real school that offered software engineering once upon a time. The problem is finding out when they will offer it again. I guess calling them and asking for information would help.. hm?

Sh. I almost forgot that I am writing this for me… to keep up with my life and the rapid twists & turns of it. It feels good.

*sighs & taps foot* a little under three hours left. I think I’mma go crazy. And SOMETHING I ate must have had a bit of sugar in it cuz I am feeling a little too sleepy.

ummmm coffee. makes my tummy hurt but wakes me right up. :)

Okay. boredom. I am leaving early. Damn this. 20 minutes left.

Stay Jazzed

Streaming

So. Maybe I was right. Maybe it was just a drive by, a severe case of fuckwittage. *laughs* How perfect a word is that…but.. I don’t know, honestly I don’t. Should I call him? Or should I wait for him to call me? Ugh. This whole dating thing sucks. I wanna go out tonight. Hm. I think I will. No…chorus. Yeah. something different. Though I’mma be hungry as hell by the time I get home. But I am not going to let all of the good I have been doing get derailed by some brilliant, sexy, smooth talking man. Humph. Nothing is more attractive then a woman who doesn’t need you.

Dangit, I am not going to be able to do it. The last bus comes at 6:28…and that is waaayy too early to leave. :( And we already know what the walk home is like from here. So… I guess I will head home, wash some clothes, curl my hair.. hmmmm….play with my budget. There are various things that I have been forgetting about. Like 40 bucks a month for washing and 40 bucks a month for dry cleaning and 40 bucks a month for my nails and 200 bucks every two months for my hair andd…. what else? *sighs* just too much thas all.

I’m not doing too good on this diet so far. I had a big ole bowl of soup that was way too creamy not to have either flour or potatoes or both in it. Clearly I’m bored, so I am sitting here typing in between doing other boring stuff. *laughs* I think I am going to be getting a desk soon, so that will be wonderful. A little spot of my own where I can bring some family pictures to. Speaking of pictures, I need to take a picture of myself now, so that I can have a good before & after picture. *shudders* I can’t imagine who I would let take them (no not him!) Oh… and I have figured out what my weight loss goal is 120 pounds or a size six, which ever comes first.

*grins* I have NEVER been a size six. I started out in juniors 13’s at 13. That is the earliest weight I have recorded, and that was 160-something pounds. Ugh. I haven’t been under 200 since college (expect for a little while last year) and that makes this very exciting. *laughs* I wonder if I will lose my breasts and behind? that would be fascinating…*laughs* I can see the potential of me going a little crazy clothes wise then. Ahh.. let me stop fooling myself. I can see me going A LOT clothes crazy then. *grins* But by that time ( I am giving myself two years…which may be kinda slow, but that way I won’t be stressing myself out) I will have the money & the car to hunt down the fly bargains. :) *sighs*
Life…oh life…oh liiiiiffffeeee.

hmm… shall I splurge and buy myself a new pair of sneakers so that I can be really ready to work out. I have plenty of tee-shirts, and enough shorts to make it through at least a week. I think. Yeah… and if not, I can toss them in the wash every couple of days or so. *hums happily* Life is good.

Stay Jazzed.

Thought flow

I am wayyyyy to impressionable. I read both of the Bridget Jones books last night (quite funny.. had me cracking up) and today I have been going around with this little cheerful chippy British girl in my head going ‘v.g.!’ and “bloody hell” and making me want to chop my sentences short and leave off…ah what are they...prepositions mebbe? Not sure, but it is very interesting. *shakes head* I don’t even follow that *sighs*

Then there was this dream I had that I was a concubine to a Sheik who sold me to American slave traders and who thoroughly seduced the captain of the ship I was on. As I woke up, he was just in the process of giving me a treasure chest full of lovely jewelry. Hmph…but the main reason I mention it is because I had a head full of gorgeous locks…and that just seemed to me to be a sign that it is getting closer to the time when I need to get locks put in my head. The only problem is that I WANT sisterlocks ™ and the closest places are Detroit & Columbus. *sighs* Can we talk about COST??? I mean the process itself is expensive as all get out… I’d hate to think of the cost once I add in airfare. But….It either that or waste money by keep getting braids put in. I hope they are at least a little cheaper here. Hmm… it looks like Detroit is my best choice flight price wise. Ugh ugh ugh!! Hey.. what about greyhound? *smiles* Silly girl.

That loooks MUCH MUCH better. I would be going to Columbus as it is much closer. :) I’m making plans now. Speaking of which… I wrote out this long long rant earlier today about me planning stuff and then it falling through… or me worrying about my plans falling through. But back to my hair. I am going to have to make a decision soon, because either my hair is growing remarkably fast, or the braids I got were shoddy ( obviously I’d much prefer the first) , but whatever he case, I am looking less & less up my standard. And mercy KNOWS they won’t last for another month & a half which was my original expectation. Ugh.

Hmm… had a bit of a flying dream too. *sighs* And it’s funny… in the dream I was thinking SEE! I KNEW I could fly while awake, and it wasn’t until I woke up that I realized how absurd that was. *sighs* IIIIII just wanna fly. Clearly I’m bored. and my keyboard is noisy. Ugh.


Stay Jazzed.

Perfect Views

Ahhh… The perfect view? I have close to the perfect view now. *smiles* Everyone who has come to my place has said how gorgeous it is…even half empty. The view I have been waking up to for the past few mornings has been the sun rising over the horizon, burning off the slight cloud cover with brilliant rays of orange, red, purple, pink and golden light. It is sooooo gorgeous. The only thing that could make it better would be if instead of rising over the edge of Indy, it rose over a ocean…or a sea… any body of water in a warm spot that stretched towards the horizon. :)

And off course, being able to roll over from that window and look into the face of my lover-for-life would be a lovely view too…even without the ocean & the sun.
Hmm…. another perfectly lovely view would be a forest of tress… with the sunlight glistening through it… but that would only be lovely in the winter if there was snow or ice on the trees, and we allllll know my feelings on that subject.
Hey.. just call me nature girl. Anything involving the sun rising over some serene peaceful natural tapestry would have me gigging.

Stay Jazzed.

Something Old

kay… I just realized that I have some serious serious issues. *laughs* I am officially scarred.
After that long long entry about how utterly wonderful he is, shall I get inot how utterly un-wonderful I ‘think’ he is? Okay…. I can’t believe that he is telling me the full truth. Hell, I don’t think that he is telling even the half truth.

I can’t help but wonder just how much he is bullshitting me, and when and how I am going to find out. He seems way too smooth...too fucking perfect. Talk about toooo good to be true? HELLO! I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, for something utterly horrible to happen. I am tense, like a damn deer who has been in the headlights and missed getting completely smashed soo many times, that there is a permanent afterimage on her eyes. I have a permanent afterimage of lies & deceit and heartbreak stamped on my eyes, and I can’t tell the difference between the image and the real thing.

Do I have any solid reason? No…except he just seems too damn smooth...too damn perfect. He reminds me of an ex that appeared to have everything together.. but in reality was the biggest pile of steaming bullshit I have ever had the displeasure to meet. He was a compulsive liar, and he believed his lies. So, obviously until he was caught in them…there was no way to tell the difference.

So…what is a sista to do in a situation like this? Wait and wait and wait for the big sword of deceit to be either proved true, or proved to be a afterimage. Like I said before…how do you prove honesty? And how do you avoid pushing someone away with your suspicions? Ugh.

Stay Jazzed.

Something New

My problem is that I am always looking for the happily ever after portion of the show. Damn the rest of it.. I just want to know how long it is going to last, so I have a grasp on just how much of me I should put into it. I want forever.

I met the most wonderful man…last Friday. He walked up to me at the bus stop, and asked me what I was reading…and from there we had a simply wonderful conversation about life, and humans, and thought processes and...so many other things. It had to be the most wonderful conversation I have ever had with a total stranger in my life. He felt like ‘family’ from just the few minutes that we talked. As my bus pulled up, I gave him my number and told him to give me a call. I couldn’t let someone who…shook & stimulated my mind to just wander off into the sunset. I would have regretted that for a very long time.

So… I waited for him to call me, and continued going out with this other brother that I met online. Wednesday night… (finally) he called. I returned his call Friday…and we went out. In fact… we were together for almost 36 hours straight, first out on a date, then at my house, then at his house.
It is scary shaky amazing how much we are alike. He is damn near PERFECT, which for me has always been an almost impossibility. The only issue I have seen so far (yeah I know it has been only two days) is that he smokes weed. And while I do not have any personal issues against that, it can be a warning signal.

So what makes him so damn wonderful in the clear light of day? He is intelligent, and he sparks me mentally. He fits all of my dating & relationship requirements at this point. He is…honest and scarily straight forward. He is so much like me that it is scary, because it leads me to wonder if he has the same…issues that I do when it comes to relationships. But so far… it has just been peachy mutha-fucking keen. I am not trying to jump into anything, as attractive as he seems. There is no rush…because if he really is the wonderful man that I have seen for the past two days, then he will still be that way two months from now. And it will give me a chance to come off of this high, and see just how much, if any, bullshit he has been throwing my way.

I am going to keep that list that I was talking about on him. I want to see just how well he does. I know it isn’t right to test a brother, but I need to be really sure before I take any kind of another plunge. So I am going to take it and compare him to each of my D&R rules, and see how well he does.

1) Know his past dating history. If he has cheated before, he will cheat again. If it has been a few years since the last cheat, he MAY have changed, but beware.
He says no. There is going to be some variance in each of these answers for a reason I will get into later.

2) He has to be able to talk about more than sports and sex.
Yes yes yes! Though he did get rather passionate on the subject of wrestling.

3) He should have no problem with the concept of ‘No ring, no fucking’.
Um. Not sure…haven’t touched on it yet.

4) He has to have ambition, a sense of planning, and awareness that God helps those who help themselves.
Yup. Ambitions: Opening his own restaurants. Sense of planning: working at getting contacts and the experience to do so. God helps those…he is helping himself.

5) He has to be able to take responsibility for his own life
Yup. Been living on his own for a while…admits to his past fuck-ups.

6) He should be maturer than your average 19-year-old.
Yup.

7) He should have a job.
Yup. One that he loves and plans on turning into a career.

8) He should be dependable, reliable, responsible, steady, and any other word referring to dependability. If he says he is going to do something, I shouldn’t have to worry about it getting done.
So far, yes. He has been perfectly on time.

9) He should have been on his own for at least two years.
Yup. He has been on his own since he was 20.

10) He is honest, and has no shame in admitting that he is dating other people.
Um. How is honesty proven? He says that he is not…

11) When we argue, he should not cuss at me.
Haven’t gotten there…

12) If we have been platonic friends for more than three years, LEAVE IT ALONE.
nope. Not an issue.

13) If you loan him money, and he doesn't return it promptly, be worried.
Nope..not an issue.

14) He should be proud enough to stand up for what he believes in, and humble enough to admit when he is wrong.
Yup…he is… a solid man. Though we agree on so many different things I haven’t seen any way really that he would have to stand solid. yet. *laughs* He was admitting wrong-doings left & right.

15) He should not refer to other women as bitches, ho's, broads, tramps, skanks, sluts, or any other derogatory term.
*Thinks* hmmmm….He did say that one of his ex’s went to the military and turned into a slut, but after hearing the rest of the story I just had to admit that it really sounded like truth.

16) He should have a healthy relationship with his mother, his sisters, his aunts, his cousins, his daughters, his nieces, and any other female family member that he may have.
No kids…and he has an….interesting family to say the least. Not sure how that is going to work out.

I was born under the sign of Janus

There are a grand total of 7 people in our 16 person group here today. Out of those 7, two are working, two are on the phone, and at least two whose screen I can see are busily surfing the web.. . Guess which group I am in?? :)

Another quick side note: John Gray gives some of the MOST idiotic relationship advice on the face of the Earth. I thought Dr. Laura was bad….

I was called a Ms-Drop-Everything-and-Go (Ms. Deag) a couple of days ago, in response to a remark that I made about how if I don’t have structure in my life, I won’t get anything done. I really had to mull that one over, because I find it amazing how differently my friends view me compared to how I view myself. While I have never considered myself a Ms. Deag before, I had to realize that that is the utter truth. I am good and dropping everything and just haring off to do something entirely different. But at the same time, I am a very structured person. I like lists and order, because it gives me the ability to just hare off and go. Contradictory? Maybe… but I have noticed that I tend to contradict myself a lot.
An example: I have a budget planned out until January 01, that includes everything from my rent to my twice monthly nail salon visits. That budget allows me to know whether I can just hare off to Cancun in December without being stressed about paying my rent and the rest of my bills when I get back. Structured? Yes… Deag-y? Oh yes!

For example, this diet that I am going on? I have decided that I need to plan out my meals week by week so that I won’t be tempted because of time constraints or inconvenience to fall off the bandwagon or skip a meal. That will also make grocery shopping a whole hell of a lot easier. I have planned out my exercise program so that I can’t have the excuse that I just don’t know what I should be doing. I am good at planning the minor things that have to go on in the background to insure that I have at least a remotely smooth flowing life, while the major things in my life (work, love, life goals) I just kinda let fall helter-skelter where they may. Contradictory? Oh hell yes…. but that is part of parcel of what being Jazzy is.

Stay Jazzed.

For these reasons...

My favorite non-sexual fantasy game is to go out and play ‘Rich Bitch’. It’s more of a mind game than anything else, but it mainly requires me to feel damn good about myself, and have absolutely no money. *laughs* I go to a mall (the upscale kind) and I shop…without looking at tags, and never on a clearance rack. I pick up clothes, try them on, decide if I want them or not, and then shed them on my way to the next store. I can spend hours at this game, and longer if my nails are done and I am wearing shades. Yeah, I’m clearly convoluted. The reason I’m bringing this up? I haven’t been able to play RB for a while because I have gained too much weight, and the plus size section of the store simply does not fit into the RB game plan. So, for that reason, I am going on a diet.

I never wore a bathing suit until I was a junior in high school, because I never had access to a all girls pool. The one that I brought then is the same one that I own now, a hideous concoction of tropical flowers and tummy tighteners, with a little skirt in the front to hide both the bulge and the marbled thighs. I have never brought another swimsuit, because I barely like wearing that one…not because it looks like something my grandmother would wear in her heyday, but because it’s uncomfortable. I prefer to swim nude rather than wear that godawful thing. And even when I am playing RB, I can’t bear to try on swimsuits. So, for that reason, I am going on a diet.

I was always the most flexible child/young woman amongst my friends. I would do wonders of contortion with my legs and arms. My favorite was wrapping my ankles around the back of my neck and rolling around the room like a piece of tumbleweed. I am achy almost all the time now, my back, my neck, my legs, complaining that they are strained, tight and uncomfortable. I tried stretching a few days ago, and had to fit to get into a half lotus, and the concept of me twisting my body into a full lotus made me flop out on the floor. I tried to do a straddle, and fell flat on my face. I know I am getting older, but damn…I should still be able to do this things. So, for that reason, I am starting to exercise.

I have always been a disgustingly healthy child. Never got any of the common childhood diseases, never been in the hospital, always had glowingly healthy reports from the doctor and the dentist and the gynecologist. It was a comfortable state to be in, to now that my body was a smoothly working machine, those parts ran with little to no outside influence from me. I did some blood-work a few days ago, and not only do I (at 23!) have high cholesterol, but I have slightly elevated blood sugar that could be a indication that I may be susceptible to diabetes. So, for that reason, I am exercising and going on a diet.

I was always considered the sista with the junk in her trunk…the bootie-patootie. And I have the tits to match. I inherited a shape that is classic hourglass, and dammit I LIKE my body. And it seems that most folx I meet have nothing against it either. But I have started a job that demands that I sit on my ass for almost 9 hours a day, and type, which takes up little to no effort. I used to have a job that required me walking for 6 out of the 8 hours a day, and the shift in activity rates is showing. I put on a pair of khakis today, and my butt is starting to go flat. I have been considering getting a breast reduction/reshaping done ever since I knew that I was going to have this job. I want to look at myself and say damn…. not only is the Girl In The Mirror (GITM)) sexy as hell on the inside, she has a chassis that has that showroom finish. And not only that, she can go out, and play RB for real, not leaving her finds in the store, but carrying them out with her. And not only that, but she is well read, intelligent, kind, funny, and loving. So, for that reason, I am changing up my activity habits, my eating patterns, my mindset. I am going to be healthy, wealthy, and babealicous. I am going on a diet. I am exercising…my body and my mind. And that is all there is to it.

Stay Jazzed.