So looonng (I think)

ever notice
how people have dreams
that as soon as
they do that thing
everything else will be peaches and cream
ever notice
how easy people lie
to save themselves they say
a heart bruised like a black eye
ever noticed how
just noticing
makes ever thing seem
so clear

*muttering under her breath* Must find surveys…something to make me think… maybe a nice philosophical one.. nothing too sappy… just hm hm hm… survey survey survey….AH poetry… there.. got that out of my head… survey survey survey….hmmm another of IceChica’s meebe…hm hm hm….then again…maybe no surveys… don’t feel like typing just reading.. hm hm hm.. lazy lazy girly *wanders off through the Land of Random Diaries (did ya hear the echoes???)

Stay Jazzed…. And if I am not back to write until 01… have a Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year and a Jolly Jolly Holiday!!!

Anudda Stolen Survey

Survey Shamelessly stolen from Ice Chica… what’s this I hear about 30 bucks???

01)how old are you?
23 and 341 days.
02)How many guys(girls)have you dated?
Ummm date. Thinking monogamous exclusive kinda thing? At least on MY part? 6.
03)Who was your first love?
*blushes* oh my… This round-headed kid ( I PROMISE you he looked like a dark-skinned Charlie Brown) named Rashid that my mom was homeschooling with me. My first crush had to have been one of my mom’s closest friends son’s Abdul-Matin. He is 3 years older than me and SUCCCH a dreamy boy.
04)with whom was your first kiss? describe it:
First kiss? *LOL* Oh my… in the middle of the Galleria mall in Philly with this juvenile delinquent named Black (no that wasn’t his real name… I don’t think he ever told me) half hidden behind some phone booths. That kiss was what let me know I was a certified hot ASS. *umph umph umph*
05)How do you prefer to sleep? clothed or not clothed?
Buck booty nekkid. That is what sheets are for
06)Are you a virgin?
Um. No. That would negate me taking most of the rest of this test wouldn’t it?
07)What possition do you most like?
Depends…if he has a really big dick… doggy style. If he has a big dick missionary. If hes has a medium sized dick me on top. If he has a itty bitty dick… none at all!!
08)How many have you practiced?
A lot. Lost count a while ago.
09)Do you like anal sex?
Nahh… not really. I have to be really really really freaked out to do it.
10)Do you like oral sex?
I like giving… sometimes, but I only like receiving if the person knows what they are doing.
11)Do you swallow?
Yup.
12) Do you like masochism while having sex?
Ummm *blushes* well.. maybe a little bit…
13)What most excites you?
Ummm..most? *sighs* Freaking in semi-public.
14)Have you ever used a vibrator?
Yup…(note to Ice Chica: GET ONE!!!!!!! :) )
15)What is your sexual fantasy?
Ummmm see 13.
16)Where is the strangest place you have ever made love at?
In a park on the park bench. : ) I refused to ever eat off of public picnic tables again after that.
17)Would you sleep with someone you just met?
Yeah. One night stands have their place.
18)What’s the worst thing you’ve done when drunk?
Nothing really… I don’t get drunk in public sooo….
19)Have you ever done it while on your "monthly visitor" ?
Yeah…not too bad.
20)Have you ever done it on the beach?
YICK. Sand up the ass is NOT something I wanna feel…
21)Do you like the Black Kiss?
Something tells me that has something to do with kissing the ass…I will… but I don’t fall in the crack YEECH!
22)would you do it with an animal?
WOW NOW THAT IS SO NASTY!! NOOOOOOOOOOO THATS SICK! <------ double ditto for me
23)Do you scream or are you the quiet type in bed?
*blushes* Umm… my neighbors have been known to knock on the wall on occasion. *sighs*
24)Have you ever done it in public? Why?
Yes…. I was in high school and we didn’t have any other place to do it.
25)Have you ever introduced a foreign object in your bootie?
Um, welll… is a dick considered a foreign object? If so… yes. If not… NO. I never wanted to be one of those people that urban legends are based on.
26) when did you loose your virginity?
16


All done. :) That was fun…*prowls around for something else to steal*


Stay Jazzed.

yadda yadda yadaa

Boring day… took a personality test that said I rarely get bored. It’s true…unless I’m at work. Then bored bored bored silly I tell you. Mainly because I’m not allowed to do the things that would entertain me like reading and all that jazz. Ugh. Went shopping yesterday. Finished up Nee’s gift.. got one of the brought portions of Chef’s gift… still hunting for a bargain on the statue I wanna get for JJ. It’s a really really cute thing. I might post a picture of it if I can figure out how. Lazy Lazy me…

Emailed Papi yesterday. He is so busy it makes my head whirl, and reminds me again just how much I don’t wanna do this forever and ever. God. Years and years of this? No way….I have got to figure out what I can do that I will enjoy doing. Ugh. Annyyhooww….Me & Chef had a remarkably stupid argument a couple of days ago (our first.. ain’t that special) about whether we have problems. *laughs* I always thought it was the lady’s job to bitch and nag about not communicating… but this was a shocker. *sighs* I know I can be quiet sometimes but *rolls eyes and does her best valley girl voice* realllly!! I think he doubts that I can be vocal about that which pisses me off. Ugh. Anyhow.

This is my last last last day at work… I have to remind myself to cancel the AOL I have at home so they won’t charge me. *sighs* I really can’t afford to have AOL (ain’t that sad) so I might have to go back to the stupid stupid free ones. I wish the company had an internet connection you could access from home *sighs* One day one day….
Oh! Had my performance appraisal…it went rather well. Didn’t bitch as much as I could have, but I did a bit. He (my super) understood me feeling totally useless sometimes, and asked me if I saw anything else that I would like to do… * sighs* I wish I did… all the other jobs look just as boring as the one I have now. Butt….. I am in line for a raise (if I am good enough, performance is tied to raises) and that would be nice. Plus the little bonus check that we get in February (which I think will buy me a living room set) and maybe a gift or two for me. Hmph. Then maybe I will get AOL for good! *LOL*
Have to be sure my hair is nice and lovely when I leave (if you can’t tell I’m rambling and my fingers are simply FLYING across this keyboard baby!!! And my spelling isn’t half bad either)… I have been thinking about dying it again.. but I think I will like the two-toniness of it as it grows out. YAY! Locs…. I haven’t told anybody at home that I actually took the leap so they should be all surprised and stuff. : )
2:23pm… an hour and some junk minutes before I can escape…*YAY* Going shopping again today. I have an eye docotr appointemnt tommorow and she is going to put that yucky make my eyeballs all big stuff in my eyes… so that will end my shopping spree for tommorow. I guess that means that I need to be good and take my contacts out before I go to sleep tonight. *sighs* I am thinking about getting some pretty lights and decorating my balcony…. Not for Christmas…but just because I like pretty lights… : )

OH!!! IceChica just posted a survey that I simply MUST steal….

Stay Jazzed.

'ello There

Just realized that I might need to start writing a little more…since in a few days I will be all written out, and shan’t have access to a decent PC for another two weeks. Besides, I feel bad that I have been enjoying others work for the past few days, and yet have not actually contributed anything of my own. Ah well… that is what going home is all about. Anyhow…I am working on gifts as I type…. I have figured out part of Chef’s gift…all of Nee’s gift, and all of JJ’s gift. Baby Boy and LittleOne and the rest of Chef I have no clue of. *sighs* Part of Chef’s gift is homemade… I hope he likes it. I was reading something that said the best gifts are those given from the heart, because they would be liked by the giver and the receiver. That is what I am trying to do with all of my gifts….without trying to turn into some kind of Martha Stewart and do it all myself. I still think Christmas is the most commercialized, over-stressed, expensive holiday there is…but I like giving gifts, especially good ones, and I shall try to enjoy every moment of it. I had a grand old time shopping yesterday, finding a good part of Chef’s gift(s), some lovely cards (that I will work on putting just the right sentiment in) and some lovely wrapping paper that has absolutely nothing about Christmas on it.
Hmm.. in other news, work is dragging again.. but thankfully tomorrow is my last day. Then I have an eye appointment, shopping, hair doing, packing, cooking, loving, and maybe a little gift giving to do before I leave. *smiles* Then I will be home with my fremily…

I have gotten totally sucked into the world of Torin, the latest EC. Man…. The writing is great, it has strong loving women in it and loving strong men in it, plus Forest Folk.. I mean really… this story book is SOOOOO totally up my alley it scares me. I consumed the entire Torin Series in three days, and wrapped up the Watcher in two. Man… I have started working on the series of novels that I had started before…and this has given me some real encouragement about me being able to do what I wanna do…as far as writing goes. And then, part of Chef’s gift is something that I want to do, as far as photography goes… : ) maybe I am shifting into momentum some….hopefully.

Well…. I think I am off to read some more and poke around a little more in other folks lives….

Stay Jazzed.

White and Green Stuff

UGHHHHHHH!!!!!!! It’s snowing. Forgive me, I mean it snowed. Lots and lots and lots of white fluffy CRAP everywhere. It’s cold and sharp and melt and leaves really icky little icy water puddles EVERYWHERE. And it doesn’t even have the decency to form itself into half decent snow-balls. *sighs* Anyhow…Anything interesting going on in my life? Not really… I’m winding down to the last week of work this year, and I am still on the mental hunt for gifts. Really don’t know what I am going to get Chef…but I will figure something out. From the things he has suggested, he apperently thinks that I am made of money…or he is just tripping in general. Hmm… it’s an interesting thing about me…I am willing to give when not asked, but the more I am asked the less likely I am to give. *shrugs* Side effect of my contrary nature I suppose.
Anyhow….there are some big major disgusting christmas sales going on in the convention center and at the state fair grounds, so I will be going there after work today and getting some cheap cool stuff for gifts. *sighs* I really can’t wait for this day to be over… I am sooo ofreaking tired, and it is only 11:20… I got here la te as all get out to because I overslept…apperently this drug I am on makes all my normal PMS symptoms go over board. I usually get a little more fatigured the week before my period, but this…I slept like the dead…the very very very dead.

Ah. Don’t have much to say… actually have some work to do that I am trying my dammedest to drag out. Ah welll….maybe I’ll write a bit more later….

The OD Survey (yes...I'm bored again)

1) How many diaries are on your favourites list? 62
2) How many of them are the same sex as you? 41
3) Are they generally older, younger or about the same age as you? A range, very few younger though, and only by a year or two
4) How often do you have conversations with fellow diarists purely in note from? Full blown conversations? None…a few brief chats though
5) Are your favourite diarists more or less important to you than your "real" friends (i.e. the ones you have met in person)? Apples and oranges.
6) Did you object to the use of the word "real" in the above question? Yes…most of my favorites are my friends, or at least we have some sort of bond.
7) Has receiving that special note or notes made your day? If so, how often? *grins* I’m a note junkie so getting ANY note makes my day.
8) When reading other people's diaries do you stick to your favourites, click on random, read the diaries of the people who leave you notes, or what? All of them.
9) Do you or have you ever suffered from depression in any form? Possibly for a brief span of time
10) Would you say that the average OD diarist is happier or sadder than you? Sadder, much much sadder.
11) Do you ever worry that your OD persona appears to be more popular than you are in "real life"? *laughs* sometimes…Jazzy can be a handful.
12) How many times have you changed:
a) your diary style: I don’t remember… 6? 8?
b) your diary description: hmmm……3 or 4 I think.
c) your diary or user name: My user name once…my diary name? Twice I think.
13) Why did you change them? Jaguara just wasn’t me anymore…I got bored with the other diary name.
14) Would you, or have you, ever met another OD user in the flesh? I haven’t..at least not one that I didn’t know before the OD, but I would love to.
15) Do you e-mail many people from OD? Occasionally.
16) How much do you censor your diary? Very little.
17) Is this because you are worried about people you know reading about it or is it just that some things should not be written about? Umm..more because I am in denial and would prefer to not write about certain things.
18) Approximately what proportion of your diary entries consist of surveys? Ummm… I would have to say under 5%.
19) How many of these did you write yourself? Most of the entries, but the ones I didn’t write I say so…none of the surveys, most (if not all) of the poetry.
20) How different are you from what you imagine your diary readers perceive you as? Very little…I think I might seem a lot more neurotic on here than I really project in person.

Grr.

ARGH!

Entries lost
drifting in the limbo
of 1 and 0


That's it!

Yapping

I hate the water in this city. It makes my skin dry, gray and slightly icky. Besides that, it tastes funny. Without me realizing it, I gave up my sleepy Saturday. *sighs* Me and Chef are going to go and see DnD The Movie before he has to go to work instead which will be very cool…though I am not sure if it beats being amazingly lazy. *smiles* But then again, being awake with him will be cool too.
Minor Rant:
Why the hell are people in this city so damn rude? Just….IG-Nor-RANT! Ugh….
End of minor rant

I’m sleepy and I wanna go home like NOW. *sighs* Only two more hours. And I’m bored. I’m too sleepy to take a survey…and none of me fav’s wanna WRITE. Hm. Random button it is….

Stay Jazzed

Hungry Hormones

Oh thanks ya’ll for all the notes & stuff….*smiles* Sometimes I wonder if he can read my mind, ‘cuz he always manages to pull something off at JUST the right time.
*grins* I come home from my appointment last night (more on that later), not only was he there, the house was neat, it smelled good, and he had cooked me an absolutely AMAZING dinner. We ate, had lovely conversation, watched a good movie while snuggled…then there was a little spice. : ) In the process of the conversation, he commented that he thought about going home, but changed his mind when I got home. I asked him why he wanted to go home, and he gave me such a simple answer…”Because I live there” Urgh. Yeah….that makes sense.. *sighs* he WOULD have to make sense wouldn’t he? Ah well….did I mention the dozen white roses? *sighs* I just LIKE being around him… and I want more more more…but… I will give him his home time. *sighs* so now my quandry is…should I still ask for more day-light time? Or…should I just work with the fact that he rarely sees his house while he is working, and his days off are really the only time he has time to be AT home?

Okay… the appointment took WAY too freaking long (I remember why I don’t like doctors), but the news was mostly all good. I’m not pregnant (I KNEW it…) but I may have some abnormal hormones levels. Why? They have no clue, and as I saw a nurse practioner, she more or less just w anted me to wait and talk to the doctor. *laughs* I have never seen a medical professional look so baffled before in all my life. They just KNEW I was pregnant (which would neatly explain everything) but once they saw for themselves that I wasn’t….welll…bafflement. So they probed me *ugha* and poked me (getting my blood drawn isn’t fun anymore) and gave me a prescription for some drug that will induce my period (won’t THAT be fun) and sent me on my merry way.

Ummm… I’m looking forward to my weekend…I plan on being an utter Lazy Jazzy. Finalllllyyy.. I will have a Saturday where I can sleep until the sun goes BACK down. : )


Stay Jazzed.

The List

Okay… I got this idea from   Zoe~ …
This is my list of 100 things I would like to do in my life, some are possible, some I dream of, others can only happen IN my dreams, some I may have already done…but this is my list.  I wonder how much of a pull it will be to get 100 things out of my head? Or will I find 100 to be too few?

1. Go to Egypt and stare at the stars
2. Sleep under water
3. Cruise all seven seas
4. Visit Africa
5. Bring my family back together
6. Find my passion
7. Write a novel that more than just my friends think is good
8. Have an exhibit of my art in a museum before I die
9. Work for National Geographic as a photographer
10. Go on an archaeological dig for the Mayans or  the Egyptians
11. Go into outer space
12. Watch a meteor shower
13. See a comet
14. Give birth…more than once
15. Make new friends
16. Get married
17. Buy the perfect house
18. Learn how to drive
19. Learn how to speak
20. Write like I think
21. Exercise
22. Lose 100 pounds
23. Love myself
24. Fall in love
25. Never worry about money again
26. Learn how to be empathic
27. Learn how to be symphatic
28. Become a martial arts master
29. Become a ballerina
30. Get a tattoo
31. Learn Japanese
32. Forgive
33. Forget
34. Go through boot camp
35. Make my first million
36. See perfectly
37. Buy a new car
38. Bake a perfect loaf of bread
39. Fly the way I do in dreams
40. Make magic
41. Get  a cat
42. Go to New York City
43. Learn how to draw
44. Go EVERYWHERE!
45. Talk to  Maya Angelou and Octavia Butler and Alice Walker and Nikki Giovanni and Nsotake Shange
46. See  For colored girls who have considered suicide when the rainbow was enuf
47. Figure out my family tree
48. Become a super hero
49. Let go
50. Hold on
51. Create bigger dreams
52. Ride amtrak across america
53. Have a real honeymoon
54. Treat myself better
55. Speak UP!
56. Let my emotions go
57. Forgive myself
58. Become a better photographer
59. Become a worse doormat
60. Go white water rafting
61. Lock my hair
62. Go blond
63. Get shorter
64. Get taller
65. Play sports
66. Learn how to swim
67. Play a video game
68. Mingle
69. Grow old gracefully
70. Sa y what I mean and what I feel when I mean and feel it
71. Write more letters
72. Write more cards
73. Write more
74. Develop a personality
75. Finish what I start
76. Go out in the country and go camping under the stars
77. Buy a good telescope
78. Feel gorgeous
79. Splurge on myself
80. Go for what I don't know
81. Step out on Faith
82. Gain faith
83. Believe
84. Take singing lessons
85. See Meshell Ndgeachello and Janet Jackson and Jamaroqui and D'Angelo and Rachelle Ferrell and Macy Gray and Nina Simone and Boyz II Men  and Jill Scott in concert
86. Complete my music collection
87. Start my music collection
88. Become a collector of things
89. Become less sexist
90. Relate to that which is different
91. Create traditions
92. Grow Up
93. Stay in touch with my inner  child
94. Own my own bookstore
95. Create something totally new
96. Be healthy
97. Be strong
98. Be real
99. Get back all the friends I ever lost
100. Stay true to myself…


Bother…that was harder than I thought.

Stay Jazzed.

Nibble Nibble Gnaw Gnaw

Humph. I hate work. Really I do. Not sure if it’s my fault or works fault, but it’s hated all the same. I am going to see a NP today to get a general check-up to see if there is anything majorly wrong with my body. I know I’m not pregnant, and if I am it’s something STILL wrong, but I want to see…maybe it’s because of the weight I have been gaining, or maybe the weight is a side effect of another problem…who knows? The internet is a dangerous thing when it comes to self diagnosis. But…because of that I am leaving early, and somehow even though I hate work I feel bad about leaving early even though I really don’t have anything to do. I must admit, I felt better about my position on a teal when I was a Admin Assistant at a bank than I do now.
General worry-wort session 1.
Subject: Chef
Okay…I already know that I hate his working hours… he goes to work around 3 pm and gets off around 1 am. Clearly, that doesn’t leave much quality getting to know ya time…so on his days off…it just seems weird to me that he doesn’t come over until around midnight…even though he has been off all day and I have been home since 5. I understand the desire to linger in your own place and all…but I am starting to feel like a late night mami…slightly above a booty call, but not quite a girlfriend. Am I stressing? Of course I haven’t said anything to him about it…just like I haven’t said anything about some other things…mainly because to me there is never a good time for me to sit down and talk, and also because dammit I’m a punk….and I don’t know how to bring up the subjects without appearing to be a cheap grasping petty so & so. *sighs* I don’t know….

Ummm… a little more than an hour left at work… should I finish my work for the next two weeks or just leave it til tomorrow?? Maybe if I can find a survey….

Stay Jazzed….

I need more sleep

Fascinating. The world of internet personal ads.
Dream-time...drifting in a land of dreams with half seen images and memories floating through your every move.. I drift through dream-time until consciousness forces me back into the limited skull that I as human am doomed to endure.
Lately I have been feeling like I am limited in.. perception of what I can see and understand by being human. Like If I could somehow peel out of everything that I once thought I knew that I would be able to see what was wrong and what is right and somehow change my very skin so that it would fit smoothly over the lumps and bumps that I can’t even see. *sighs* I feel like I am sllloowly going crazy.
Anyway.
I have leapt into locking my hair full fledged. Over the weekend I tightened the roots, then washed it. It is much neater looking than I expected it to be, but it doesn’t have the same dense/heavy/thick feeling that it had before. Maybe it’s just too clean. But I am happy with it… *sighs*
Something is wrong with me and I can’t figure out what it is. My period is almost a month overdue, but according to *thinks* five pregnancy tests, I am not not not not not pregnant. : ( I don’t like it when my body starts to do it’s own thing. Especially after me being so regular and all. Hmmph. Made an appointment with the doctor, but the earliest I could get in was Jan 11th 01. *sighs* oh well…
Still trying to find a cheap flight to Philly for Christmas (from the Catholic Term Christ’s Mass, which was the mass that was performed near the winter solistice to lure the ‘pagans’ from the worship of their gods) break, but as I want one that is under 200.00 I think I might be out of luck. Ah well…

I’m off looking for more surveys…. Ta-ta…

Stay Jazzed.

LOOOOONNNNGGGGG Survey

Yes.. still on the survey kick... I have something swirling around in my head, but it hasn't settled enough to write about it....

Questions..
200. My name is...Jazzybelle, at least in the OD it is.
199. I was born on...01/13/1997.
198. I am...me
197. My hair colour is...dark brown.
196. My eye colour is...brown.
195. My shoe size is...9 womens.
194. My ring size is...depends upon which finger. I think my class ring is around a 6 3/4.
193. My bra size is....38F. I love my boobies but buying a good bra is HELL.
192. My theme song is...Gotta Be by Des’ree
191. I am allergic to...brazil nuts.
190. I live...in a high rise with a view.
189. The last three books I read are...Callahan’s Lady by Spider Robinson, Queen City Jazz by Kathleen Sombody, and Telezy Amberdion by James Schmitz.
188. My bed is...smoothly curving wrought iron with a futon mattress
187. One thing I know for sure about the opposite sex is...they are very different from us
186. I am glad that I am (male/female) because...it’s who I am.
185. A (guy/girl) that I have a crush on is...oh…I haven’t been crushed out in ages
184. My best female friends are...Nee-nee.
183. My best male friends are...interestingly enough, at this point, Chef
180. Three of my quirkiest habits are...counting steps as I walk down them, staring at the sky when I’m walking, picking at scabby spots
179. My favourite pajamas are...my skin.
178. A perfect kiss is...one that gets that tingle going deep in your stomach.
177. The last three CDs you bought are...hmmm… Angie Stone, Common, and Jazzyfatnastees.
176. The sexiest song I know is...Love by Paula Cole.
174. The bands I love to lip synch to in the car are...seventies jams.
173. I could not live without...air
172. My most treasured possession is...my camera
171. My three top pet peeves are...tardiness, dis-respecting elders, random rudeness
170. A question I am sick of answering is…”What do you want to do?”
169. The funniest quote I know is...umph. Never been good at the funny stuff. And most quotes I know that are funny are only funny in a rather limited context. With that said, it would have to be “We late!!”
168. The quote that "sums it all up for me" is... Everything must Change
167. My skin's reaction to the sun is tan/burn...tan.
165. One interesting fact that I know is...the origin of the saying you can’t have your cake and eat it too

I have/have not...
164. Been drunk before? Yup..but only once
163. Smoked? Smoked what? Hm. Never smoked the legal stuff, smoked the illegal a few times.
162. Broken the law? See above question
161. Played strip poker? Yes….
160. Cheated on a significant other? Yes…
159. Cheated on a test? Oh Yes….
158. Dated someone you met online? Nah. But I wrecked someones marriage that I met online.
157. Skinny dipped? Yup.

I do/do not believe in...
142. Love at first sight? Possibly…but I wouldn’t know it was love until much later
141. Luck? yup
140. Fate? Umhm. It’s the simple fact that what happens…happens
139. God? God? Nah.. supreme being.. yes
138. Aliens? Of course, how could we possibily be the only sentient beings in the infinity of the universe? That takes more egocentricity than even I have
137. Heaven? see "God"
136. Hell? On earth? Yep…see, I’m a pessimist because I know that heaven on Earth is a dream
135. Ghosts? Yup…if there is no heaven…
134. Horoscopes? Hm. Depends on how accurate they are, which means I believe in them in hindsight
133. Myself? Kinda

Either/Or...
132. Coke or Pepsi? It doesn’t really matter to me
131. Thin Crust or Deep Dish? Thin Crust…if I wanted all that bread I would make a grilled cheese sandwich
130. People or In Style? Neither
129. Hardcover or Paperback? Paperback…the day I start buying hardcover is the day I suddenly come into A LOT of money.
128. Math or English? English.
127. TV or Radio? Hmm…neither really . TV is okay, and so is Radio, but they are both just noise makers to me most of the time. .
126. Love or Lust? Both together is the ideal
125. Blondes or Brunettes? Brunettes…unless it is that really gorgeous golden blond that reminds you of sunlight of wheat.
124. Pools or Hot Tubs? Hmm…warmed pools.
123. Getting the Back Massage or Giving It? Ohhhh I need a massage SO bad…
122. E-Mail or Snail Mail? I wish snail, but unfortunately email.
121. Homecoming or Prom? Prom, two of them
120. High School or College? College, forever it seemed.
119. Oranges or Apples? Neither plain…unless they are tangerines
118. Curly or Straight Hair? What I got? Curly. What I always wished for? Slightly less curly, but still curly.
117. Boys or Girls? For what????

Here's what I think about...
116. Abortion: Pro choice. Nuff said.
115. Bill Clinton: Good president, dumb man.
114. Pre-Marital Sex: If mature enough to handle it..go head…
113. Religion: *sighs* What is called religion today tends to be mainly a cover for prejudice. True religion…is wonderful, but do any of them exisist anymore?
112. Hanson: mmm-bop!
111. Homosexuality: What’s there to think about?
110. Classical Music: peaceful
109. Sadaam Hussein: Another power hungry dictator that will get people killed.
108. Adoption: Sign me up. Twice.
107. Love: Nothing can be said that hasn't been said before, and all of it is true.
106. Divorce: Sometimes needed, usually painful, I hope I never have one

The last time I ______ was...
105. Took a shower: This morning.
104. Watched Bambi: The whole movie? Never
103. Cried: Umm… a few days ago… for no reason.
102. Received snail mail: A real honest-to-goodness letter from a friend? Oh my….early this year.
101. Went on a date (Who was it?): About two weeks ago, Chef
100. Went to the movies: About a week ago, saw Charlie’s Angels
99. Kissed a member of the opposite sex: ummm….Saturday morning.
98. Spoke a foreign language: Friday…pretending to speak Spanish.
97. Went to a wedding: never
96. Got dressed up: hmmm….it’s been a while…
95. Grew: Stopped growing up around a year ago… constantly growing around .
94. Rode a horse: ohhh…never.
93. Exercised: Really? About a year…walked with enthusiasm? About two days ago.
92. Ate: Dinner...Last night. Steak and cheese sandwiches

More questions...
91. On a work day, I get up at...varies, between 5:45 and 7
90. The ditziest person I know is...Roz
89. The person who makes me laugh the most is...myself
88. Which celebrity or famous person are you in love with...Love? no of them.
87. One thing I am pissed about right now is...my weight
86. Have you watched all the Star Wars movies? Yeah, but not in order and I couldn’t tell you the plots
85. For lunch I like...doesn’t really matter.
84. For supper I like...doesn’t really matter.
83. The last movie I saw in theatre was...Charlie’s Angels
82. The thing I notice first about the opposite sex is...eyes
81. One question that I want answered is...how long can it last?
80. The most unsatisfactory answer I've ever received is...Maybe.
79. The best kisser is...ohhhh… Black..the first and the best, turned me OUT in the mall. .
78. This Christmas Break I...think I am going home…but I’m not sure
77. This Spring Break I...don’t ‘get’ one, but I might GIVE myself one.
76. This Summer Vacation I...see Spring Break
75. The biggest misconception about me is...that I'm not shy.
74. The thing that I'm looking forward to the most is...working for my photography.
73. The winter...icky and cold and stuff. I like SUMMER.
72. The spring...is better than winter…but not as good as SUMMER.
71. The summer...is hot hot hot, and sunny and lovely and thunderstormy and….just SUMMER
70. The fall...icky because it’s approaching winter..
69. People make a big deal out of this number because...they have dirty minds *wiggles eyebrows*
68. I want to go to college...been there, done that
67. People call me...by my name
64. Are you offended by the existence of teenyboppers? No, as long as they stay away from me
63. Do you have a hard time waking up? Depends if I’m alone or not.
62. The person who knows the most about me is…possibly Papi…
61. The person who can read me the best is...my mom. It’s scary.
59. Do you respect/fear/like your parents? I LOVE my mommy. The sperm donor is of no consequence to me.
58. I have the following siblings: Just me, myself and I.
57. My favourite people are...hmm…my friends at ‘home’
56. My zodiac sign is...Capricorn, stubborn and monetary as all get out.
55. The person I thought I was in love with was: JEH…ugh
54. What did you love about him/her? He was a friend.
53. The best date I ever went on was: *smiles* walking around the canal with Chef
52. The person I find myself spilling my guts to is...my OD… for most things.
51. I wish...for money to never have to worry about bills, and enough love to never have to worry about loneliness.
49. The lie I tell the most often is... “I’m okay”
48. I have a job at...a pharmaceutical company
47. I have these pets...none…but I’m working on it
46. My favourite animal is...cats..
45. The worst sound in the world is...fingernails getting srrreeeccchhhhedd down a blackboard
44. The worst taste in the world is...sour milk *urgh!*
43. My favourite movies are...hmmm Dangerous Beauty is high up there....
40. The most interesting adult I know...um. Not sure….
39. My role models are...don’t have any…is that sad?
38. My favourite shoes are...my soft and squishy semi-sneaks
37. The last time I got my picture taken...Friday at work
36. The last time I got money from a parent was...umm while my mom was here, I think.
35. My favourite country besides Canada is...who said Canada WAS my favourite? ....
34. My favourite state (other then my own) is...Georgia
33. My favourite city (other then my own) is...*sniff* Atlanta
32. My favourite body of water is...The Atlantic Ocean
31. If I could be a super hero, I'd be…Deanna Troi
30. If I could raid a celebrity's wardrobe, I'd choose...someone who wears my size.
29. The type of clothes I wear is...lots of long, flowing skirts, loose pants - relaxed but not sloppy.
26. The best age to be is...whatever age you are.
25. My ICQ contact list has...I have not been on ICQ for so long… I don’t even know
24. The best thing about today has been...not working yet
23. The worst thing about today so far has been...missing my bus to work and having to wait for 40 minutes in the cold!
22. My favourite stores are...the kind with GREAT discounts…or book stores…or both.
21. I am worried about...nothing nothing nothing
20. A secret I know about someone is...not something I would share.
19. My favourite pants are...my Old Navy Jeans
18. My favourite shirt is...The soft and sexy teal green sweatery thing I have on
17. The TV Show I never miss is...*blushes* well…. Wrestling I guess.
16. I am a morning person/night owl...night owl.
15. If I had to get married tomorrow, and could pick any wife or husband, I'd marry...maybe Chef. Not sure.
14. An idea that makes sense to me...is developing and exploiting renewable energy sources.
13. If I had to join the military, I'd be in the...RESERVES!
12. I plan/don't plan on registering for the draft...don’t want to, never will.
11. My worst habit is...leaving doors open and lights on
10. My favourite restaurant is...don’t have one
9. My favourite sport to play is...ewwww! me..play sports??
8. My favourite sport to watch is...basketball
7.If your nose itches it means...someone is coming to visit… I think.
6. My favourite clique is...The TRIO! .
5. The worst place to get an itch is...anywhere you can't scratch.
4. My favourite nickname for myself is...Jazzy
3. My favourite names are...Aishah, Jasmyn
2. What do you like most about life? Seeing beauty everywhere
1. Are you glad this survey is over? Yeah…but it was verrah fun.

Viper's Stolen Survey

Lunch time Survey stolen from Viper.

#1. What is the most expensive thing you have broken?
A bathroom sink. I broke it right off of the wall. Don’t know how much it cost, but that would have to be the most expensive thing
#2.What is your dream job? No matter how realistic or not, what would you like to be doing right now?
A journalistic photographer for National Geographic. I love how they travel all over the world and take some of the FLYEST pictures I have ever seen.
#3. Who would you like to be reincarnated as?
Reincarnated as? Hmmm…..Myself, just skinnier and richer.
#4. Most embarrassing tape/CD in your collection.
Don’t have any… I let them all get stolen.
#5. Cartoon character you can identify with the most.
None really…. There aren’t that many cartoony girls.
#6. Celebrity you can't stand!
Dr. Laura Slessenger
#7. OD'er you would most like to meet.
Hmmmmm……that’s a toughy. Most likely AOIM…better known as Kelly. She is such a happy friendly hard-ass : )
#8. The teen idol when you were a teen.
Ummm..no clue. I have never kept up with that kinda stuff.
#9. What is your favorite Viper entry?
Oh goodness…. I am going to have to go back over his WHOLE diary now. *laughs* Okay…. It would have to be the ‘I’m Dying!!!!! coffee’ I had to seriously stifle some loud giggles as I read that one.

Naughty Naughty

Another Stolen Survey…. It’s called dirrrrty secrets.

1. Have you ever shaved off ALL your pubic hair? Surgery doesn't count.
Yes, I have.
2. Have you ever had a sexual encounter with a relative?
Yup. He was a ‘kissin’ cousin, and I didn’t know his was my cousin until later
3. Have you ever been partly undressed by a partner in a movie theater or other public place?
Yeah….in a park, and in a car in fromt of a movie theater
4. Have you ever dyed your pubic hair? What color? Why?
No…I usually don’t have much.
5. Have you ever received anal intercourse (men and women can answer this, please)? Did you like it or hate it? What was bad or what was good?
One and a half times. The first time was simply loveeelly…the ½ a time not so…which is why it was only a half time.
6. Ladies, do you have intercourse during your period? Is it better or worse at that time?
Yes/better. Mucccchhh stronger orgasms, and I can go longer cuz I don’t get dehydrated if ya know what I mean.
7. If you're married, have you had sexual intercourse with someone other than your spouse since you were married? Oral sex? Manual stimulation? A French kiss? A kiss on the cheek or neck? Which of these constitutes "cheating" in your book?
Not married...and…all of them except the kiss on the cheek or neck. That can be cheating or not depending on intentions.
8. Spit or swallow?
swallow. If it’s in my mouth already, that seems so much neater.
9. Do you receive pleasure from having your nipples licked, sucked or bitten? Can you reach orgasm from that alone?
I like them licked, sucked and bitten, and yes… but we/I have only managed to pull that off once.
10. Have you ever used sex toys (vibrators, dildos, cock rings, etc.) with a partner? How about by yourself?
With a partner: yes. With myself: yes.


Hmm.. that wasn’t toooooo dirty. Well within OD’s rules I would say. Hmm… on to something I stole from Viper.

Singing Survey

The point of this survey (that I stole) is to answer each question with a lyric - it looked challenging so I thought I'd give it a go.

1~ Who are you?
I’m a bitch, I’m a lover, I’m a child, I’m a mother, I’m a sinner, I’m a saint, I do not feel ashamed, I’m your hell, and your dream, and nothing in between and I wouldn’t want it any other way (Meredith Brooks ‘Bitch’)
2~What do you look like?
‘cuz she’s a brick….HOOOOOOOUUUUZZZZZZEEEEE… she mighty mighty, letting it all hang out. (Parlamint Funkadelic ?? )
3~What's your secret?
I try to say goodbye and I choke, I try to walk away but I stumble. Although I try to hide it, it’s clear. My world crumbles when you are not here. (Macy Gray, “I Try”)
4~What do you want to be?
Iiiiiiiiiii…wanna be RICH! (who is this by??)
5~What can you do?
I can see clearly now, the rain is gone. (????)
6~What can't you do?
I’d do anything, but I won’t do that (Meatloaf ???)
7~What is love?
Love Is. ( Vanessa Williams & Brian McKnight “Love is” )
8~What is friendship?
Keep smiling, keep striving, knowing you can always count on me, for sure, that’s what friends are for ( Dionne Warwick ‘Friends’ )
9~Are you strong?
Gotta be, gotta be bad, gotta be bold, gotta be wiser. Gotta be tough, gotta be strong, gotta be harder ( Des’ree ‘Gotta Be’)
10~What are you afraid of?
When the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I’m feeling saddddddd…… ( The Sound of Music ‘Favorite Things’)
11~What would you tell the one who loves you?
Loving you, is easy ‘cuz you’re beautiful, and making love with you, is alll I want to do (Minnie Ripperton “Loving You’)
12~What do you want to do?
I wanna live forever, I wanna learn how to fly… HIGH! ( Theme song to ‘Fame’)
13~What do you want to say?
They say I’m hopeless….as a penny with a hole in it. ( Dionne Farris ‘Hopeless’)
14~Where do you want to be?
This, is the place where I belong, right here in your arms, without you something is wrong ( Shai )
15~Who do you love?
Whatta man, whatta man, whatta man, whatta mighty good man, yes he is ya’ll…. ( Salt & Peppa with En Vouge ‘Whatta Man’)
16~How do you feel?
I feel love love love love crazzzzzzyyyyyy love (Brian McKnight ‘Crazy Love’)

hmmmmmm…that was kinda fun… I sorta wish there were more questions though. I might add some later..


Stay Jazzed.

Well... that was fun.

Found a Christmas gift on e-bay. Got outbidded on all my other auctions. Tired all the time. wake up at 6:00 at work at 7:00 leave at 3:30 study/eat till 5:30 go to bartending class at 6:00 stay till 10 get home around 12:00 eat (maybe) go to sleep. Thank god I only have another week of this madness.
Nothing much to talk about. Work is dull, Chef cooks for me, class is fun, I'm broke and I need sleep.
*sighs* life.

Stay Jazzed.

helppppp me.........

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have just discovered the madness that is e-bay. Yeah.. I had heard of it before….and even heard of a few people that got hooked on it…but I had no clue as to it’s overwhelming….ADDICTION. I have only been on it for a few minutes (15..20….has it been an hour already?) and I can feel the pull of the auction. Being bored at work iss verrah dangerous. I ended up here because I want to do a lot more photography, but I don’t have the lens that I want (a telephoto and a long zoom and a wide angle.. yes I want it ALL). SO I started by hunting down some reviews of different lens and getting a general idea of prices. From there, I was off to e-bay to find what is out there…and OH MY!! So much so much…. I’m scared. I also need to find a tripod.. and oh mercy I wonder if they auction off film… *wanders back into e-bay muttering to herself*

Notes of the Day

Suddenly in a flash the difference between fantasy and cheating is clear…the mind wanders, but the body and the heart does not. Anyhow… I’m working on roughly 6 hours of sleep from the last two days, I feel vaguely sick (odd appetite and general feeling of urghiness), and hmmm….

Bored out of my mind at work. I am considering taking a half day tomorrow…come in as late as possible and leave as early as possible…so I can get both more sleep and more Chef time. I have promised myself that I will NOT bitch about his job and the hours that it makes him keep. I just won’t. What he does is what he loves doing and I don’t in any way shape or form indicate that I want him to prioritize the two. I expect his job to take precedence over me…and I expect him to expect my job to take precedence over him. Just the way it is, and the way I have to live with it being. *sighs* Still… I hate the fact that I am so rarely at my best when it comes to talking to him and being around him because I am either at the high or the low end of my sleep cycle. Mercy knows I make too little sense when I am tired or when I have just woken up.

Hmm… have been masquerading in various chat spots and just online in general as a lady named Jasmyn Black. It reminds me of a black morning glory, deep and rich and velveteen to touch. I like the sound of it anyhow….with so much free time on my hands, I might create an online alter ego…I wonder what scandals she could get into?

Hm… it wouldn’t be a full and complete entry if I didn’t briefly bitch LOUDLY about the fact that it is snowing. Not flurries, not a chance of snow, but full fledged real live SNOW. It’s only November *sobbing* I don’t mind having a white Christmas, but a white thanksgiving is simply not RIGHT! I have plans to brave the madness this weekend and actually go out and try to buy some real gloves. The minor minor little things that I am wearing now just are not going to cut it, and I need something REAL before I lose a tip or two to frostbite.

I’ll toss in a quick hair reference too… While bored out of my mind at work, I decided I would try this little hint I got off of one of my newgroups about how to keep the roots of your twists neat while waiting from them to get nicely locked up. So, I looped & twisted (my name for the process) the whole back row of my hair, and figured I would leave those in and see how it turns out. IF it looks good and last through a few hair washes, I might get bold and try to do the whole head.

Confession time…. I have been holding off putting locks in my head because of a remarkably odd conversation I had one day on the MARTA (Atlanta’s train system) with this guy. He sat down next to me and asked me if I was so & so… when I said that I wasn’t he said that I looked almost just like a friend of a friend of his who was growing locs and dropping weight at the same time. He said something to the effect that I would look almost just like her once my locs had grown out. This convo was held during that period of time when I was ‘trying’ to loc my hair in Atlanta. For some odd reason, I think that the person he was talking about WAS me.. and that when I finally make the plunge to get locs, I will also have to fully commit myself to the plunge to lose weight. *sighs* I don’t know….

Stay Jazzed.

The Rest of it al

I have to learn how to talk. I can open my mouth and speak on the minor minor things, but anything that really tickles my heart and that matters, I have a hard time speaking on. At least to other people. It was over this issue that me & Chef had our first big… ‘thing’. Not an argument, more of a very pointed inquiry into my head and heart and OUCH did that pointy thing hurt. In order to finally actually TALK to him I had to write what I wanted to say and read it at the same time. There is a disconnect between my head & heart & mouth that the head & heart & hand connection somehow manages to over come. So…over the weekend I went out and did some very single stuff…movies (by myself) shopping and drooling…random flirting…*grins* so all in all I had fun. This past weekend had to be one of the most relaxed weekends I have had in a while.

My bartending classes start today, and just my luck, it is cold as HELL frozen over outside. I really don’t like cold weather, and I remembered why after coming to work this morning. It’s icky. Period. That is all there is to it.
Speaking of periods, mine is a week late. I checked on *thinks* Thursday, and according to the little blue line, I’m not. However, as I brought a cheapie brand, and I used it at night, and as it still has not shown up, I think I will drop for the cash once again, just for my own peace of mind. Ugh. The simple thought that I might even remotely be pregnant again is about to drive me utterly batty. And if I am not and my cycle is just shifting to another type…argh! Why would it pick now? It has been being remarkably regular lately. *sighs* But…I shan’t worry about that right now. : ) It will do nothing but drive me batty.

*watches the bats fly around in her head*

Made my OB/GYN appointment…thank god nothing is wrong with me considering I can’t get an appointement until January 11th…at least that is just next year.
Hmm hmmm hmmm… In love with my hair lately. I realized just how comfortable I am with myself when I started thinking about whether I would want to be another race if I could switch. Just snap my fingers and be white or asian or hispanic or indian or african or whatever, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I am just peachy keen happy about being just where I am. As much as I bitch and moan about my weight, I would not trade this body for anybody elses…as much as I groan about what I am going to do with my hair, I wouldn’t exchange being able to feel the rich silky thickness of my hair for anything else. Yeah, I want to be slimmer…but that is just a matter of time. Yes, I want my hair to be longer, but once again, that is just a matter of time. I am actually HAPPY with what I have to work with…and man it’s a wonderful feeling. Happy happy joy joy. That’s really all there is.

*Shakes head* I am so multiplicitious.

Stay Jazzed.

And from the Past

A major side effect of attempting to screw with some one else’s life is that unless you are still close to the person, there is no way to tell just how aggravated you are making them without blowing your cover.

Ah. And then, out of the darkness of the internet, comes a greeting. Hm. This should be fun.


JEH: Hi.
Jazzy: hello.
JEH: How are you?
Jazzy: I’m fine…and you.
JEH: Okay I guess…I miss you
Jazzy: you guess? You miss me?
JEH: yes i miss...1) we haven`t spoken in almost 6 months 2) you mean so much to me that my life feels incomplete with out you in it in someway
Jazzy: Oh. I see.


This is one of those points in life where if I was a witch I would have to clasp the three-fold rule tightly to myself in order to not call something big, ugly and booga boogie down on him.


JEH: do you still not like me?
Jazzy: *laughs* *thinks* Not like you? hm. yes...I suppose you could say that.

And honestly, it’s the truth. I don’t like him, and I don’t not like him either. I just want something from him that he will never be able to give me, and that is a pass to the past so that the events and episodes of the period from February to April of this year would just fade away. But since I can’t have that…I just have a bitterness and anger at the rift that was brought on by my stupidity and his betrayal.


JEH: i am sorry...i guess i thought time would heal the rift between us
Jazzy: time? yes...enough time will heal the rift...but considering the fact that we might have had a week old baby right now doesn't make this quite the right time...


Too harsh? No… maybe I am trying to shift some of the pain that I feel from me and onto him. It was my choice, and I cold have chosen to have a week old child right now. But I chose not to, largely because I didn’t want to have a child without a father. I can live with that, and I am living with that knowledge every day. Maybe that is really what I want…just to know that once a week…once every few months…that he thinks about what could have been, and what he lost, and feels some pain.


JEH: I see.
Jazzy: Do you?


Maybe I’m being to hard…trying to hurt him. Actually, yeah I am. I want him to curl up and cry some nights because of loss, and back-stabbing and feeling like something that he thought was solid and forever turns out to be a situation of convenience.


JEH: there seems to be nothing i can say or do to reconcile this matter with you, i wish i had the right answers but i don`t
Jazzy: hm. I don't think there is a 'right' answer. From the moment that you decided you were not 'ready' to handle me being pregnant, to the moment that you 'overslept'...there was nothing that could be done to make things 'right' between us. A line was crossed that can't be un-crossed, and I don't think it can even be re-drawn. yeah. I'm still bitter as hell. Not about the abortion itself...because I made that choice...and I didn't HAVE to choose it. I'm bitter because the man that I thought was my best friend turned out to be such a scrub when something important came up.


Really…I don’t think I ever asked for too much. All I ever really wanted was someone who I could DEPEND on...through thick and thin, through all that mattered and some stuff that didn’t. Maybe I was looking for a husband in a friend…or is dependability a required quality in a friend or a lover? And what are the rules when the friend is a lover, and yet there is no ‘real’ relationship there? I know there is nothing he can say, because the only thing that can be expressed in words is sorry…and really, sorry ain’t shit. Do? Hm. The problem has not been what he has done, but more what he did not do.


JEH: ok, i am still not ready to handle you being pregnant, and though it sounds lame i did oversleep. i never had a reason to lie to you or deceive you before i won`t create such nonsense now. nor will i give you some false since of security that i cannot back up. and if all this makes me a scrub then so be it.
Jazzy: I never thought that you lied to me...or decieved me really. The false sense of security? *shrugs* I guess that is where what you were offering and what I thought you were offering got blurred. Seems like I remember a man who said he was my best friend and would do anything for me...then something big and scary and life changing came up...and POOF! you were gone. But it was never really stated in words was it? It was just sort of implied by our relationship...
*sighs*
so I guess really...when it all comes down to the line...it's my fault hm? I should have known that when it comes to doing ‘anything’ for a person...that it only counts as long as it is something easy. See... I always thought that what we had went WAYYY beyond just the easy.. and I and sad and hurt and bitter as fuck to find out that I was wrong.


Ugh. Thank god I’m at work so I can’t sit here and cry like I want to. That is what it really all boils down to…I’m mad because I got took…I got pulled into a state of security and thought we had it all together and then BAM! The rain started and he was no where to be found.

JEH: now that is not entirely true. i know this was big. and every morning i wake up questioning myself on whether or not the decision that was made was the right one. i have looked at this from both sides as best as possible. and i when i finally come to up with something i feel like shit. why should i feel this way when i my heart and mind tell me that that right thing was done. but one thing still bothers me, why would you not marry me?
Jazzy: Because as much as I loved you, I would have been marrying you to hold on to you to insure that my child would have a father, and not because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you…and that would not have been fair to either one of us. Besides all that…if you were not ready to be a father, not even that…but ready to deal with the idea that you were going to be a father…how is god’s good name would you have magically matured into someone who could be a good husband?


Ah…that one came out of left field. I remember telling him that he was not to ask me to marry him just because I was pregnant…if he wasn’t going to ask me to marry him before that, I’d be damned if I would marry him ‘just because’. *sighs* Besides…I would have killed him in a matter of months. *sighs*


JEH: I know the subject matter between us is not the best of things right now, but talking to you has lifted my spirits. I have to get back to campus for classes. I am not running out on this. I would like to continue to talk to you about this. Is it ok if I can call you?
Jazzy: Um. *sighs* Yeah. I guess so. I am not going to be able to talk at work, and I won't be home for most of the next two weeks (except for the weekends)...so maybe emails or on here would be better. You can try to catch me...***-***-****


ARGH! What possessed me to do that? *sighs* I don’t know…maybe deep deep deep inside I want to forgive? Maybe I need to forgive in order to let go and move on? Maybe the big bad karma patrol is going to hem my ass up if I don’t? *sighs* Maybe I just want to give the past a chance to finally lay its head down and rest…or die depending on how you want to look at it.

Stay Jazzed.

Popping In

Out of the damn workshop/torture session I have been in all week, wanted to note down some thngs really quickly.

*Chef may actually force me to open up more than I ever have before. I'm not sure whether to be scared or happy.
* I am broke...again. Hopefully I will have a second job in a month though, and it won't be quite so bad.
* My mommy came, and left, and we had lots of fun, and I spent too much money, which is why I am broke.
* My period is almost a week late, BUT...I'm not pregnant. I am going to make an appointment with the OB/GYN next week to figure out what kind of secondary birth control will be best. I am considering getting a diaphram. However, I was really freaked out for a while there
* I want to start taking pictures again. How many times have I said that?
* I have GOT to lose some weight. Exercise calls me.


Well... That's it for now... I have been going through most of my favorites, leaving notes here and there. *sighs* Back to work...

A Fairy Tale for the Assertive Woman of the 90's

Borrowed from Cultured Pearl
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so." That night, as the princess dined sumptously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought, "I don't fucking think so."

Still Motion

I don’t know how aggressive to be in my life. I don’t know where I should draw the line in my work, social or love life. Where is the point when it is no longer ‘being nice’ and ‘getting along’ and turns into me being a silent doormat? I have hard time drawing limits in my life, because I don’t want my intentions to be perceived wrong, and silence can be perceived as so many things to different people. *sigh* Sense? No… okay.. two situations:
1) work. I am going CRAZY…. And I am really unsure of how aggressive I can be. I am learning, slowly slowly slowly, but I KNOW that my skills and my intelligence are not being used or taxed to their fullest. Is it appropriate for me to just roll to my boss and basically say: Hey! I’m bored shitless. Either give me something to do or let me go somewhere else. *sighs*
2) Chef. I know that his job makes him keep some odd ass hours, but…a call every once in a while during his ‘morning’ isn’t really too much to ask is it? I don’t want to be the one forever calling up ‘just to see what’s up’. I don’t want to start making correlation’s and assumptions, but occasionally I feel like my middle name should be ‘Best Western – We keep the light burning for you’ and he calls me to make a reservation. UGH. Why do I always feel like I am being used.. whether it is true or not?

Then… Oh m’godness, I love my momma to death but sometimes I just wanna… SCREAM! I so understand that JJ & MJ song now.

And then… I don’t know how to talk. I know that I am blunt, and when it comes all up to my feelings I am sensitive as FUCK….but UGH!

The general aura of evverything I do is a state of limbo’d confusion. I don’t know what to do or when to do it or how to do it and so I sit in one place and rock and mutter to myself. ARRGGHHH… I am so tired of being still but I am scared to move in any direction because it might be the wrong one, but I know that not moving at all is most definitely the wrong thing to do so I bounce back and forth between manic activity that leads me in circles and a frozen deer-in-the-headlights kind of stillness. AHHHHH!

*deep breath* Maybe yoga?

Stay Jazzed.

Getting Nosy

Okay, I’m gonna go crazy. It’s only 12:20pm, I have finished all of my work for the day (for the WEEK) and no-one is writing on OD. Bored bored bored….also I see no good surveys. I was going to steal another one from Sex in the City but…not feeling girly enough to do it. I am however, feeling totally in LOVE with………my hair. It is so soft and silky and shiny and twisty that I just can’t keep my hands out of it. My hair has never stayed THIS gorgeous for so long. The only problem is that I really need to wash it, and I’m not sure if it will stay as lovely after I put this nasty nasty hard water in my hair. *sighs* Ah well, the things we go through for beauty. I think I may have found my ‘scent’. I have been looking for a perfume that will fit me, but as I don’t really like the whole ‘perfumy’ smell that they have, I thought I was screwed. Then, I went to Garden Botanika, and found out that they can make perfumes from oils that they have, CUSTOM designed. And it only cost’s 20 bucks for a big old bottle of perfume that you can get lotion, shower gel, and a whole host of other stuff to go with it. I have already figured out what my high and low notes will be, and I got some lotion and shower gel made up with that smell. I like it, but I need to find a suitable middle note and then I am going to go hog wild. I even have a name for it…Desert Rose. : ) yes… like the sting song. Hmm… that was a fun hour or so wasted hunting down information about perfume. Come to find out I was mistaken. I have my middle/heart and my base note, I don’t have a top note. Hmm… this is going to be interesting.
Hm. In other news, I am quite upset with Mr. Chef. Maybe it’s a man thing, but he has called me not once since my mommy has been here. *sucks teeth* and yes, I did call him…but he never seems to be home *raised eyebrow* No… I shan’t get curious…it’s just odd thas all. Back to the world of smell.

Do any of you folx have a fragrance that you would feel naked without?


Stay Jazzed.

I'm BORED...okay?

Shamelessly stolen from Sex in the City

VITAL STATISTICS

Open Diary Screen Name: Jazzybelle
How did you come up with this name?: Ummm…a mixture of OutKast and feeling sexually free.
Starsign: The hard-headed capricorn
How Many Brothers/Sisters Do You Have?: None. At least by blood. I have a younger brother and sister that I ‘adopted’ and I have a half-sister (my father’s daughter)
Marital Status: Single.
Did Your Parents Name You After Anybody?: No…though my middle name came from a song.
Natural Hair Color: dark brown with really redd highlights
Eye Color: dark brown
FAVORITES
Food: ummm….Smartfood Cheese popcorn
Non-Alcoholic Beverage: Fresca Citrus Soda
Book Of All Time: The Tokiado Road by Lucia St. Clair Robson (long name ain’t it?)
Song: Everything must change (Oleta Adams) vs. Everything Happens for a Reason (Zhane)
Male Singer: D’angelo
Female Singer: Janet! Janet! Janet!
Store: Where shall I begin?? Ummmm Pier 1, Value City (yes I’m a cheapie)
CD You Own: Only one?! Ummm….Bitter by Meshell N’degechello
Place To Visit: Egypt (one day…)
Family Member: my MUMMY!
Musical Artist(s): hmm…as of right now the Jazzyfatnastees.
Fragrance: My custom smell: Desert Rose
Color: Blue and Silver
Article of Clothing: My saris
Memory: Don’t have one…life have given me so much.
TV Show(s): *blushes* ummm lately? WWF… *sighs*
Line From A Song: Everything must channnnnggggggeeeee
Animal: Purr-Meow…Cats of course!!
Sport: For simple drool appeal? Football… all them big burly men running and jumping*sighs & rolls eyes in delight*
Friend: hmm…have to be Nee-Nee
Movie: The Fifth Element
RANDOM QUESTIONS
You Have Any Power In The World For A Day- What Would It Be?: Read minds/sense emotions
Name Five Words To Describe Yourself: Intuitive-Sensual-Calm-Intelligent-Blunt
HAVE YOU EVER....
Cheated On A Test?: *giggles* Yup
Been To A Foreign Country?: Does Canada count??
Been In Love: I think so….
Been To A Wedding: Nope.
Been skinny-dipping?: Yup… my first time this summer
Given Away Something You Really Loved To Make Somebody Happy: Nope.
Been In Trouble With The Law?: *grins* I’ve never been caught and that is the story I’m sticking to.
Hurt Someone Intentionally?: Yes. I'm evil

Wednesday Monday Blahs

Hello, Beautiful People!! I’ve been off in the land of Mommy-ness for a while now…didn’t really feel like I had any time off of work as I haven’t had a single lay-in-bed-all-day day…and of course not a single snuggle-session with Chef. *sighs* Anyhow…. I am enjoying having her here, although I have been spending way way wayyyyy too much danngone money.

Anywho… I’m back at work, checking up on all of my email & favorites…I swear, when I leave for Christmas break it is going to take me a WEEK just to catch up on everyone. 51. That’s how many people lives I poke into on a daily basis (or on a how often they write basis), but either way.. I feel like I know so many people…that I DON’T know. It always makes me smile to read one favorite, and see a note left by another favorite, who has a note from another. Sometimes I find new people through my other favorites, sometimes I randomly hop to them, and other times I see a bit of writing on the main page that just drags me into their diary. So, after missing 5 days, I had plenty to read.

And what’s up with this election stuff? Talk about MADNESS….It looks like Gore will win according to popular vote, but that damn Electoral College in Florida is still out. *rolls eyes* Madness I tell you…
Ugh. I’m blabbing.

Stay Jazzed.

Brief Note in Time

Funny, I am no longer all torn up about having an abortion, and lately I have been able to look at babies and young children as just that…someone else’s kids. The time has truly flown, because I would be due in two days. If I was actually still pregnant I’m sure it wouldn’t feel the same, and god knows I most likely wouldn’t be here.
I’m here though, and so far I am liking it. I have been drifting on the web lately (boredom) and reading pregnancy journals and all that sort of stuff, and I just realized today how close it would have been. I honestly believe that I will be a simply wonderful mother, and I think I will have loads of children.
For some odd reason, I think that I will be one of those women who enjoy their pregnancy to the fullest…but I want to be simply and unabashedly joyful when I find out the next time. Anyhow, my mommy is flying in tonight. I can’t wait until she gets here…we are going to have loads of fun.
Stay Jazzed

The Stars Have It...

Jazzy's behavior as a partner

Sun in Capricorn for jazzy
Jazzy probably has trouble expressing her feelings. She is an introvert who has a kind of defiance for the world around her. She fears her own feelings, because they are unpredictable and unreliable. In her quest to be a part of something, she has a tendency to formalize everything, to give it shape. She is immovable toward her theories and ideologies, and she likes to study things in depth. Finding the solutions to difficult problems gives her great satisfaction. Jazzy is perseverant and frugal, self-disciplined and pragmatic, and capable of accomplishing great things. Behind her cold attitude is someone very sensitive, and tender hearted; someone who is hungry for passion. But it is hard for her to express her emotions, because, for her, they are not rational. Her incredible patience and self-control allow her to endure restrictions and frustrations that, at least for most of us, would be unbearable. In her relationships with men, she often plays the role of the older sister, as she takes it upon herself to take care of them, and build a stable and happy home for them.

Moon in Scorpio for jazzy
jazzy has a strong animal magnetism about her. She seeks out experiences rich in emotion, yet, curiously enough, she controls her emotions and keeps her feelings inside her. Her more instinctive side sometimes makes her a very jealous and possessive person. She can actually become very aggressive in certain circumstances. Her powerful sensuality gives sex an important role in her life. Her personal life, and her relationships with men can often be difficult for her to handle.

Influence of sun and moon on jazzy
jazzy comes off as a cold and inhibited person, when inside her, she is destabilized by powerful and destructive passions. Because of this, her love life will not be simple. She is much more comfortable in her professional life, because her strong ambition gives her the opportunity to dream. She tends to scare a lot of men with her hard, demanding attitude. She needs to finally admit to herself that her feelings are not just going to go away, and that no matter how successful she is, she will never be totally happy until she has come to terms with her feminine side.

Venus in Pisces for jazzy
jazzy is an intensely sensitive person with a profound compassion for others. She is always ready to sacrifice herself for others, or to come to the rescue for a friend. Yet, she is both romantic and idealistic, and often lacks discernment in her decisions about her love life. She is both confused and evasive when it comes to expressing her feelings clearly. However, she is ready to devote herself to the person she loves... Sometimes she even loses herself in him.

Mars in Capricorn for jazzy
jazzy is constantly concerned with her own personal efficiency. She likes to finish everything she starts. She will use any means possible to get things done, no matter how long it takes. However, her cold, hard attitude often causes problems in her personal life. People often misinterpret her, even though she does keep her emotions under strict control. In fact, jazzy has a hard time expressing her feelings and affection. Her fear of being misjudged, or unappreciated inhibits her emotional impulses.


Chef's behavior as a partner

sun in Aquarius for chef
chef is generally seen as an idealist. He believes that human beings need to break with the status quo in order to evolve. He is an eccentric and an individualist whose unconventional attitude makes him a rebel toward any kind of authority. The hope for a "new life" is at the basis of all his motivations. He seems to love to be with people, and his friendships are what are most important to him. Although he is a very warm and altruistic person, if a relationship no longer satisfies him, he can become the coldest, most detached person on earth. His reason controls and protects his emotions. His sometimes-impersonal behavior points to a great fear of commitment. On the outside, he is relatively unemotional. On the inside, his musings and fantasies abound! He is a lover, who is in love with love!

Moon in Aries for chef
chef is a real live wire. His feverish personality makes him come off as a rather abrupt person. He is in constant motion, pushed along by a kind of unconscious insecurity. He cannot bear to be inactive; he is always looking for something to excite his interest. Chef reacts to people and situations very personally depending on the kind mood he is in. He considers himself a man in charge, perfect for a career in sports or in business. In general, he is audacious and impulsive. His family or personal life generally tends to take a backseat to his insatiable desire for freedom. This is something he should think about.

Influence of sun and moon on chef
chef is a high-spirited person who hates to be tied-down. He seems to reject any kind of love in his life, so that he can devote his life to his work. However, if chef manages to find a headstrong woman like him, who shares his ideals and career goals, and respects his independence, they could live very happily ever after.

Venus in Pisces for chef
chef is an intensely sensitive person with a profound compassion for others. He is always ready to sacrifice himself for others, or to come to their rescue. He is both romantic and idealistic and often lacks the ability to make the right decisions in his love life. He is unable to express his feelings clearly. However, he is capable of giving himself entirely to the person he loves. Chef will love his partner unconditionally and with utter devotion. He should be careful not to lose touch with himself...

Mars in Capricorn for chef
chef is constantly concerned with his own efficiency. He likes to finish everything he starts. He will use any means possible to get things done, no matter how long it takes. However, his cold, hard fighter's attitude often causes problems in his personal life. People often misinterpret him, even though he does keep his emotions under control. In fact, chef has a hard time expressing his feelings and affection. His fear of being misjudged, or unappreciated inhibit his emotional urges


The Two Together

the sun in your birth chart is in a positive, angular relationship with the moon in chef's birth chart. Your somewhat subconscious image of the ideal masculine partner is awoken by chef. It thrives in wholeness and perfect harmony with chef's own subconscious image of the ideal woman. This exchange between the deepest, innermost recesses of your psyches explains your high degree of psychological compatibility.

Planet Venus in your birth chart is in a positive, angular relationship with planet mars in chef's birth chart. Chef's image brings out your own subconscious image of the ideal masculine partner. In your contact with chef, you find a kind of unexplainable harmony and wholeness. For his part, chef discovers in you the personification of an image of woman that he had never even dreamed of. This positive relationship, between one "sexual subconscious" to another, gives an aura of mystery and secrecy to your sexual relations.

The sun in your birth chart is in a negative, angular relationship with Saturn in chef's birth chart. Saturn represents both reality and the father figure, and it is the planet that presides over our personal growth through out the ups and downs of life. These two planets, your sun and chef's Saturn, have a tense relationship to each other, and are usually indicative of disagreement and difficulty in a relationship. In your relationship, chef sometimes represents the strict, moralist father figure. He seems to denigrate your ideas and hinder you in your personal projects. Other times, he is a solid partner you can count on; who guides you and protects you from yourself.
However, if your character is not fully matured, it's safe to say you will see him as a father figure, at least most of the time. In this case, you may feel as if his intervention in your life is extremely limiting to you. You feel as if he refuses to give you the warmth and comfort you need. He seems to show an incredible amount of pessimism and stubborn negativity, when it comes to anything you decide to do. Because of your continual frustration with this situation, you may even hide from him the things you care about most. If you are not careful, the communication between you will be reduced to a bare minimum. However, if your character is already well developed, you will use chef's remarks to compliment your own ideas and visions on life and living.

This is what happens when I have too much free time at work. I was considering making this private, but hey...everybody can see how much of a goof I am being.

Stay Jazzed & tuned in for another entry about 'us'

Death (the short blurry version)

Ugh. I want to be surrounded by intelligence & inspiration, not doom & gloom. *sighs* Mood swings! Hello… I really really hate these things. And I don’t wanna be moody when my momma gets here, that would just ruin the whole week. Anyhow…this line from a song keeps looping through my head ‘ What if God was one of us??’. I don’t know who sings it, but it is going to drive me batttyyyyy.

Hm. Something else I have been thinking about for a while. There is so much advice on how to live longer…but so little advice on how to live better. I mean we are ALLL going to die right? No matter what we do in this life, we are going to die. That is really all there is to it. So instead of trying to drag out a life that is not as full of joy & pleasure as possible, maybe people should focus on making the time they have better. People get sick and ask the doctor “Am I going to die?” and the doctor lies and says “Of course not.” TELL THE TRUTH! OF course you are going to die, we all die…the important part is to fill the life you have with life.

*sighs* I am making no sense here… I feel like my head is going in eight different directions at once, and all of them are screaming sleep! sleep! sleep! yeech.


Stay jazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*wakes up*ed

Rehashing Politics

I went to get my nails done on Monday, while I was feeling about as uncute as is possible, and I got about three or four compliments, along with a whole host of appreciative looks. Mind you, I was fully dressed, (long pants, tunic length long sleeved loose sweater) and my hair was certainly doing its own thing. Then, later that night, Chef told me that I was simply beautiful. *sighs* I gave him the classic, ‘oh thanks for telling me such a lovely thing even though it is only marginally true’ look, but managed to say thank you. As I was walking home last night, I thought about why I can’t really accept that fact that I am…beautiful.

So, I decided to just off-the-cuff, describe myself as I feel that others most likely see me. This is what I came up with: Short, fat, with enchanting eyes and a sexy smile, bodacious boobs, lovely legs and an abundant ass, short reddish brown hair, with a stroll that would put some models to shame. That sounds like a pretty hot and tempting package to me, without even including the LOVELY personality and high intelligence and independent spirit. *sighs* I refuse to repeat the whole issue again. I won’t. But it’s interesting. It’s sad when you get tired of rehashing the same damn issue with yourself. *sighs*

*sighs* Election Day is coming up. I have read more stories and entries and news articles about who to vote for and who not to vote for than I really have wanted to. To me, all politicians are liars. You have to be, in order to please even a small portion of the people who you want to vote for you. And once you get elected, you conveniently forget about most of the lies you told. So, I tend to vote for the person who tells me the lies that I want to hear, and afterwards, just hope that they don’t screw me over too badly.

Blagh. Quite depressed now. Will go and eat more candy. No I won’t. will go and drink some nice tea. *sighs*

Stay Jazzed.

If....

Stolen from Tigressa….

---

"If it weren't so risky, I'd...." let myself fall in love again
"If it didn't scare me, I...." would be totally truthful with myself
"If it weren't so stupid, I'd...." dye my hair and eyebrows blond
"If it weren't so threatening, I'd admit...." I am way too big.
"If I let myself know it, I feel...." depressed.
"If I let myself feel it, I should...." dance.
"If I let myself entertain the thought, I should...." go home and soak in the Jacuzzi.
"I'm not ready yet, but eventually I need to...." let go.

It reminded me of a exercise I had to do one time where you just had to write twenty things you didn’t like about yourself, twenty things you did like and so forth…I need to find the exercise and do it again.

Stay Jazzed.

Silent Weekend

Well….good news. I don’t have strep throat (YAYY!!!) but I have been popping Advil like they are candy to ease the pain in my throat and ears. Hopefully the new drug they gave me for the ‘fluid’ (goop) in my ears will really help and I won’t have to wake up and take Advil’s. But anyway, I’m feeling a little better.. thanks for the soup Zoe~!!

My weekend was good. Quiet, involved me lying in bed or on the couch, watching TV or reading. *sighs* Simply lovely. And since Chef came over and babied me, I had no complaints. This has been the first weekend in a while that I left the laptop at work, mainly because I knew quite well that I was not going to touch it all.
I actually don’t have much to talk about…though I did get some new music this weekend. Common, Angie Stone, some bass music, and two CD’s of disco music mixes. *smiles* We were jamming to the disco music for sure. It’s amazing how much disco music I know/remember even though I didn’t really hear it that much then.

Ugh. I am really forcing it right now….so I will just go.

Stay Jazzed.

Quick note on being slow

I went to lunch yesterday with another sister who works here, who I met through one of the natural hair groups I get in my email. We had a nice leisurely lunch, and in talking to her I realized what was so different about this relationship with Chef from all my other relationships. I have not fallen head over heels for him right away. In my other relationships, there has always been a total LEAP into the relationship, almost instantly. This time, I am taking a very slow glide into the relationship. I know that part of this is because I have been burnt a couple of times in the recent past, and I couldn’t JUMP if I wanted to…but at the same time I like it. This whole moving slowly thing is pretty darn cool.

I’m still sick.

Oh yeah. I have been having these just WEIRD ass dreams. Like today/this morning I had this dream that I had an extra tooth that was growing right in front of my other teeth, and one day I just popped it out. But then this tooth shifted me into another dream, where it was all that was left at some crime scene was a slightly burnt tooth. How it got burnt, I don’t know.
A bit later, I slipped into this dream about me and two women my age and a much older lady going on a trip somewhere together. Somehow, our plane ended up being late, so I left and went home to pick up some other stuff that in the rush to leave, I had left behind…little things like soap and clothes and toothpaste. I also took a shower, cuz I was sweaty stinky. Then, I went out and was trying to drive, but I kept getting the gear of the car stuck in neutral. So I went back in the house and finished packing, then my traveling companions showed up and cussed me out because I had left them without saying anything. I woke upa little bit after that. Odd.


Stay Jazzed.

the Infectress

I’m sick. Impossibly ugly enough, I’m sick. And it isn’t even the snotty, sneezing, talking funny kind of sick. I have a very sore throat. Half of my neck feels swollen, and my neck is hot. Yech yech yech. I need to go to the health services people and see if they can give me something. I HATE being sick. It’s yeechy, and I feel just generally crappy. I am however, quite thrilled that I got sick on a Friday. That means that I can chill in the house alllllll weekend, send Chef out for Orange juice and warm teas, and basically sleep and pamper myself. It’s just getting through today that is going to drive me battty. I have never been sick like this before either. I mean HALF a sore throat? That is freaking me out more than anything else. That and I feel like somebody punched me hard in the chest. Yeech. Yes, I AM a whiny baby when it comes to being sick. I’m about three steps from being a hypochondriac, which is one of the lovely side effects to being raised by a nurse. So.. I’m wondering if I have strep throat, or mono, or even (how lovely) tonsilitis. Yeah, I still have mine. Wouldn’t that be ugly.
Anyhow, I have noticed that there seems to be a lot of sick folx in the OD, and I have to wonder if we are passing around a virus. *giggles* Okay..bad joke.
Ugh. I don’t even want to TALK.

Stay Jazz *ACHCHOOO!* ed

P.S. I just went to health services and got some drugs. I feel almost human again

Of Cats and Men

I want a pet, pets actually. When I get back from Philly in 01, I am going to get two kittens, and launch my career as a cat person. I have been musing on names lately…and I want to be really mushy and give them a ‘paired’ name. It is going to be in another language, possibly Japanese or Egyptian. I was considering Swahilli, but most of those names sound too much like a human, and cats should have cat-ly names, not human ones. I doubt that I get a pair of breed cats, for a couple of reasons.

1) they cost too damn much
2) When you have breeds, you are expected to well…breed them. Nope. Not happening.
3) Mutts are so much more interesting, and to me, unless you get a Siamese (which are WAYYY to loud for me) mutts tend to be prettier.

So anyway, these new plans give me something else to waste time on at work. Kitties kitties kitties hm hm hm!!
Oh. I want to keep a list of possible names here, because with my dull & dim memory I would never keep track of em. And maybe you guys & gals can help me. So far, this is what I have:
Sol & Luna (sun and moon for those of you who don’t know)
Zeta & Sigma (tho that would only work if I got a boy & a girl cat rather than two girls)
Um & Ah (yeah…that was just a toss in)
Miss See & Miss Say (*LOL* Those are my nicknames for two ‘friends’ of mine )

Okay… in other news: Men are ugghy. That is the only word I can find that fits how I feel. *sighs* If I knew what I wanted before I didn’t get it, maybe I wouldn’t be so damn antsy all the time. Anyhow, it is interesting getting used to this whole ‘grown-up persons’ relationship stuff. It’s different from my relationships in college, and I m so aware of that fact that it makes it even more different, and I am looking back on my relationships to see what the hell the difference is. This is my first real relationship with a man while I am in my own home, but other than that, that is about it. *snort* All I have to say is work be dammned, he had better call me.


Stay Jazzed

Cute Test... I got a 46

1.When do you feel your best?
(a) in the morning
(b) during the afternoon & early evening
(c)late at night

2. You usually walk
(a) fairly fast, with long steps
(b) fairly fast, with short, quick steps
(c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
(d) less fast, head down
(e) very slowly

3. When talking to people you
(a) stand with your arms folded
(b) have your hands clasped
(c) have one or both your hands on your hips
(d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
(e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair

4. When relaxing, you sit with
(a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
(b) your legs crossed
(c) your legs stretched out or straight
(d) one leg curled under you

5. When something really amuses you, you react with
(a) a big, appreciative laugh
(b) a laugh, but not a loud one
(c) a quiet chuckle
(d) a sheepish smile

6. When you go to a party or social gathering you..
(a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
(b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
(c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed

7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted. Do you..
(a) welcome the break
(b) feel extremely irritated
(c) vary between these two extremes

8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
(a) red or orange
(b) black
(c) yellow or light blue
(d) green
(e) dark blue or purple
(f) white
(g) brown or gray

9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep, you lie
(a) stretched out on your back
(b) stretched out face down on your stomach
(c) on your side, slightly curled
(d) with your head on one arm
(e) with your head under the covers

10. You often dream that you are
(a) falling
(b) fighting or struggling
(c) searching for something or somebody
(d) flying or floating
(e) you usually have dreamless sleep
(f) your dreams are always pleasant

POINTS:
1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1
10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1

Now add up the total number of points.
OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should "handle with care" You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.
51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.
41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.
31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest... Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expects the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is ever broken.
21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It'd really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.
UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions & who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything. They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.

Oh yeah.... you KNOW I'm bored now

When and where have you felt most comfortable being nude?
In my house. Almost all the time. Though depending on what I am doing I might have on a wrap, just to protect the nipples
Who is the person you miss most right now?
My MOMMY!!
What is your favorite store in the world?
Borders. Or maybe Pier One. Or maybe Value City.
What is your most disappointing sexual experience?
Oh my god. I had sex this one time with this guy who could NOT stay hard unless we did it doggy style, and then he was only faintly hard…and to add insult to injury, he had an itty-bitty dick too.

What room of your home do you spend the most time in?
Bedroom

What was the most useful course you ever took in school?
Hm. Most likely chemistry.

What is the most valuable thing you own?
My camera

What would you most like to be remembered for after you die?
My writing and art.

What is the cruelest thing a person has ever said to you?
You can’t sing, so why are you trying?

What would be the best way to get rid of a dead body?
Chop into small pieces and put down the garbage disposal

What is the poorest you've ever been?
Negative some-odd dollars on various occasions in school.

Where would you most hate to be pierced?
Hate? Ummm….my upper lip

Who is the person you'd most like to take revenge on?
JEH

What's the thing you know the most about?
Books…science fiction.

What's the best thing you've ever tasted?
White Chocolate Truffle candy

What was the best toy you ever owned?
Legos

What's the shortest time between orgasms that you've ever experienced?
No time

What age do you want to live to?
Not sure…until my body gives out

hat is the least amount of money you'd have to make to consider yourself rich?
Make? As in a year? *thinks* hmm…about 150,000 profit. As in after bills, taxes and savings.

What would you find hardest about being in prison?
Umm.. the whole can’t leave thing.

Whose thoughts would you most like to read?
Chef’s

What have you lost that you'd most like to retrieve?
My high school class ring

What is the most disgusting thing you've ever had to do?
Dig through a garbage bin for the above-mentioned ring

What was the most *romantic* evening you ever had?
I haven’t really had any.

What tests your faith in a higher power the most?
War

What is the worst word anyone ever used to describe you?
Not sure, people are wonderfully pleasant to me to my face.

What are you most greedy for?
Money!!

What is the most extreme thing you would do to your own appearance to make yourself better looking?
*laughs* Plastic Surgery. My nose, and breasts

What physical characteristic could you least tolerate in a mate?
Un-Cleanliness

What one part of your body comes closest to your ideal?
My wrists

What invention has had the biggest impact on your life?
The Net

What is the least amount of money you would accept to never have sex again?
Ugh. Right now? NONE…. A few months ago? A couple of hundred million

What was the hardest secret you've ever had to keep?
My secrets are kept so well, I don’t even know what they are.

Duality

To be unable to accept a compliment, yet strut like my stuff is pure gold. To be painfully aware of the spread of alll of me, yet to be able to feel like a desert rose. To look in the mirror and say WOW…that’s a snazzy chick, and to feel like I need to be wearing a burlap sack when I leave the house.

This is partially where the whole claiming Jazzy thing came from. I feel like she embodies the optimistic, happy, secure, loving, sexy & self-supporting part of me, while…*insert real name here* is the dowdy, hopeless, confused, nervous, burnt & paranoid part of me. Maybe it is just infatuation, the appeal of the new, or maybe it is the whole ‘dream image’ thing going on, but…I have these two roughly polar ‘people’ in my head, who while are basically the same person, have some amazing differences in how the see the world and themselves.

It’s Jazzy who is secure and happy with Chef, and it’s INRH who is paranoid about the whole thing. It’s Jazzy who appreciates the curves she has, and it INRH who stares and focuses on the curves she shouldn’t have.

---

Excuse this following moment of madness

*runs around madly like a little rat in a cage* Oh my god oh my god oh my god. They expect me to do work and perform and come to conclusions and stuff ALLL BY MYSELF!!!! *little crazy person runs around screaming madly* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*deep breath* okay. I feel better now

---

Argh. This job is, without a doubt, going to drive me batty. I need some structure, some order, a damn To-Do list.
*grumbles*

Stay Jazzed.

Damn Love Songs

I have just one question – What is love? Can someone write down logically what love is and the three main signs that you had found a love worth keeping and worth opening up for?

Yes, I have heard that love is not logical, but there has to be some guidance, something that outlines what is and what is not real. I have had love that I thought was real, but I have always said that if it fades away, it was never real in the first place.. but is that really true? Can’t you love someone, and then stop loving them? People change, and what we love changes with us.. right? So how can you ever love someone for life...if you are changing?

Or does what you love have to change too? *sighs* I mean really… I can claim to have been truly IN love twice in my life, both times with men who were rather…inaccessible, mainly because of distance. My other relationships…they were real at the time, and there was some serious affection going on, but never was there a real LOVE thang. And I knew it at the time, even with Tashi. As sweet and as strong and as beautiful as what we had was, I knew it wasn’t something that was going to be a real long term thing. Hell…even with Little One, as much as I loved him, I knew there wasn’t really any chance of what we had being real and turning into something that would be there for the long haul.

Me & Papi…. *sighs* That was something real… or at least I thought it was. I often wonder how it would have gone had we ever graduated up to the level of having a real relationship, and not an internet one. So… basically I have no clue what a real in your face, get sick of him and then love him again, circle of life kinda love feels like…and I need to know what it feels like so that when it finally hits me, I can hold on like a mad woman and never ever ever ever ever ever let go. But at the same time, I also want to know what it feels like so that I won’t waste my time trying to hold onto to something that looks like something real, but isn’t. Because really, I don’t want to cling to some fools gold and get my hopes all up to only end up doing something or making a choice that is based on something more false than true.

And I’m sick of people telling me… ‘When it happens, you will know’ *snorts* yeah.. okay. So what about the times when I thought I knew, and then realized that I really didn’t know shit? Or what about those times when the person I was with thiught THEY knew, and I knew that they didn’t know shit? Or what about the times when I didn’t know, and looking back, maybe I should have known? I mean damn…for something so important to be so much of a game of chance… that isn’t even cool in the least bit. *sucks in breath* Patience Patience Patience.

Stay Jazzed.