11/28/01

catering (including food, service, and rentals of tables/chairs/linens/serving pieces)
underwear
cake
tips
liquor
band/DJ (still waffling on which)
tent
possibly a generator (for tent lights, etc.)
photographer
rabbi
invitations (including mailing costs)
possibly programs
flowers
decorations
ketubah (this is the Jewish wedding contract, it's kind of an art piece as well)
dress (including alterations and cleaning, + maybe a headpiece?)
shoes for bride and groom (he already has the suit)
rings
license (this is cheap, right?)
rehearsal dinner and other pre-wedding activities
hotel room for us
fee for the ceremony/reception site.
Valium!
eventually, a honeymoon.

*cartwheels*

 Finally... I have a date. August 2004.  And that is okay with me.

 Stay Jazzed

Success!!

and on more than one front!!

I met the family and things went sooo well. :) I'm not anyone's new best friend, but still...they like me! They really like me!!

 And the other front? I FINALLLY talked to my love about the ring, and he is sooooo cool with it. :) Happy Jazzy. Happy happy jazzy!! *nods*

 Umm... I have slacked off on the book though... mainly because I have been busy/brain dead all weekend, and because I know I can work on it during my dull times (which are so many times lately) during work.

 Ummm... what else? That's about all that is new in my life.... how about yours?

 Stay Jazzed.

Nervousa

 Getting nervous, getting nervous. I'm going to go and meet Corey's family tommorow after chruch, and for some reason I'm scarrrred. :(
MAybe it's cuz I jsut want to make the absolute best impression without seeming snobby? *shrugs* I don't know.

 Wish me luck.

 Stay Jazzed.

The Bratty Blues

if making me feel good
makes you feel bad
and the whole damn situation is making me sad
then what am I gonna do
what am I gonna do
what am I gonna do about it
baby

if something I need
makes ya feel like ya gonna bleed
and it’s a call I gotta heed
then what am I gonna do
what am I gonna do
gotta do something
baby

but it’s just a damn want
and my dreams it haunts
and it’s really
kinda scary
what should I do
what can I do
that will make it easy
baby

I can’t tell a lie
I’d hate to see a grown man cry
and the whole thing is kinda
out of line
but what am I gonna do
what am I gonna do
how can I do this
baby

rejection it ain’t
just a dream that can’t wait
in hopes we can make it together
what will you do
what can I do
what should we do
baby

comprise is the thing
the heart of this song I sing
damn this freaking ring
what am I gonna do
what can I do
what can I do that won’t hurt my
baby

Weekend Recap....

*Grins*

Well.. that is one way to get around it. I wrote about her drunk to start off with, and I wrote about her in third person (though that was by accident). So…. I was able to flow about her for a while, and then I switched over to the boy toy.  It’s odd writing this, because I honestly don’t know what is going to happen, and I get the urge to ‘read’ ahead to see what is going on…but I can’t cuz I’m writing it.  How wild is that??  I guess that is a sign that it is pretty darn interesting.

This weekend was really nice.  I didn’t do a damn thing but write and sleep and veg out in general. Actually, I take that back. I did clean up the living room and do the kitty’s box, and  reorganize my file box (as I have to do every 6 months or so).  I wanted to go driving, but as I had left my wallet with my ID in it at work (nicely covered by a bunch of papers) I didn’t really want to go gallivanting about with expired temp. plates AND no license AND no registration AND no proof of insurance. Somehow, I think that would have been temping the fates just a BIT much.  :)  

I got up to 7114 words, which means that I am right on track. I have today’s requirement to fulfill, but I don’t think that will be too hard. :) I might have found something that will eliminate most of my boredom at work.  *evil grin* And just imagine… if I write truly for a living… I will have two jobs at once. MWAHAHAHAHAHA……

I’m so so broke. It’s really sad. Oh! and the boy got fired. :(   How much does that suck?? I went all paranoid and anal (inside my head) for a little while… and as he knows me so damn well I know that he KNOWS that I went all anal and paranoid in my head…but I just had to calm down.  *shrugs* He is good at getting jobs. *raised eyebrow* Not quite as good with keeping them…but… I don’t go to work with him every day, so I don’t know. He says that it is all about hateration…but *shrugs* I’m a relative innocent as far as  employment politics go.  So… I’m sitting here printing out some resumes for him.  *deep breath* I will not freak out. I will not freak out. :) Urgh.

Anything else going on?? *thinks* Nope… that’s about it.  I am 2 pounds short of my “Can I have another ring goal??” so that’s exciting.  Have I mentioned that I have totally changed my mind about what I want? No…. hmm… I will have to post the pictures of the new one.  I still want a princess cut, but I decided that I don’t really like the setting of the one that I shown before. *shrugs* It’s too high set. So……I want this setting:  with a princess cut stone in it. :) It’s going to be a little over 1 carat, and I’m hoping that’s not too big. *sighs* I want my version of perfection….is that brattishly greedy of me?? I’m more than willing to pay for more than half of it. *sighs*  But anyhow… this setting is a lot lower. And it has the pretty crisscross thing going on. :)  *sighs*
Next week…. well actually I will wait till he gets a job to ask him. :) I’d hate to make him feel really bad.
*grins*

 

Ummm….I broke 1800 in the car!! Whoohooo!! I need to look at the users manual to see what kind of checkups and jazz that I need.  I think I might have already passed the first milestone (1200) but I’m not sure.

Um. I’m done for now.

Stay Jazzed.

The Open House is OVER

*peeks around the corner*

Are they all gone??

*darts back into hiding at a rustle*



*slllloooooowwwwlllllllyyyy comes back out*


I think I did a bit too good of a job going out and begging for notes. Now I have all these strangers tromping through my roses and poking their noses against my windows and I don’t know ANY of them. It’s rather frightening actually.
I have decided that I NEVER want to be Editor’s Choice. Imagine having to go through this for an entire week (or more depending on how the OD Staff is feeling on Tuesday… or was it Thursday??) And then there is the danger of having someone who is NOT a random stranger (and considering I have a big ole cheesy picture of me on my front page now, it’s not like I could deny it) stumbling across here. Hm. Actually that wouldn’t be too bad, as I don’t think I know anyone in RL who might happen across here…maybe a coworker or two… but I don’t talk about them much. At least not badly, too much.


*yawwwwwnnnsss*


This is a late entry… started AFTER lunch. Oktoberfest was today… I had cabbage and soup for lunch. Really very filling. And also high in carbs which is a surefire way to make me sleepy as hell. *yawns*
Well… yeah.

Tomorrow is Friday… and then it’s the weekend. I think this weekend I will clean the house, and get some house like stuff….stuff I have been putting off buying but that I really really need Like more drawers, and *shrugs* Some other stuff. I can’t think of it all right now.

I have been thinking about more wedding stuff (as if this is new) and found some non-denominational type vows and stuff that with a little work will be rather nice. *grins* I don’t know if the ones that call on the God and the Goddess would go over too well (with my family or his) so I might have to tone that one down. And considering he suggested that his old pastor officiate *shrugs* I doubt that would go over too well with him either. Ya know… I don’t even know what denomination the church is??? * shrugs shoulders* Ah well.

Working working working.

During the severe storm warning yesterday, they herded us all into the basement as that was the storm shelter. Me and a coworker swapped palm pilot games, and she gave me this one that I am hooked on called DopeWars. *hangs head in shame* Basically you are a street dealer, and you have to see how much money you can make in 30 days. You start with 2000 bucks from a loan shark… and his interest is a BITCH! You buy and sell and try to avoid the cops. :) It’s a fun game… as long as I pretend like I am selling stock or something. :) It’s sad.

Okay. I think I’m done for the day.


Stay Jazzed.

Deep Thoughts...

Okay… enough Tonga type stuff. :) 

I need to take some vacation time.  *sighs* I bought a week, and plus the 12 days that we get a year, plus the week between Christmas and New Years,  plus some other random holidays… well, let’s just say I currently have more vacation left than I know what to do with. And since I might be working through the Christmas vacation period… *sighs* I need to take some time off as not to waste the time that I missed. Hm. I guess figuring out exactly how much vacation I have taken already might be a good thing to, eh?

Corey baby is all moved in, and really it’s not that much different. A lot more clothes, a few more books, and a man constantly around.  But it’s cool.

I’m being wishy washy about this freaking ring. On one hand, I really want it…but on the other hand, I would prefer him to give it to me. It doesn’t mean much if I get it for myself. Then there is the fact that he got us rings already, and even though they are in no way what I wanted… maybe I should just suck it up and stop worrying about what other people will think and work it.  And most of all I don’t want to hurt his feelings over the whole damn thing…but I don’t want to at least TRY to get some satisfaction. Hm. I don’t know. Mulling still I am.

I was reading wedding boards today, and the hot hot topic was cohabitation.  It’s amazing how that report that says the couples who cohabit are more likely to end up divorced has been twisted.   I never trust  stats when they have been pulled out of reports and used to foster anyone’s agenda (esp. the agenda’s I don’t agree with.. :)  ) It got me to thinking though.  About what? All kinds of things. But I’m not neurotic ( on a daily basis) nor am I insecure (most of the time) so I will keep those thoughts to myself.

Back to the initial topic – I have 10 vacation days left.  I would like to take the 5th, 6th, and 7th off… and then Nov. 21st,  that’s four days – which  still eaves me with six days to dispose of between now and the end of the year.  Friday’s off maybe?? That would be nice.

Ugh! I just got back from lunch and another coworker brought his lunch down and is sitting across from me eating. It smells JUST LIKE  fresh, hot, canned cat food.  *shudders* My stomach is doing all kinds of disagreeable stuff. *gag*

It’s been remarkably quiet here lately…and while that is quite scary… I guess I will have to enjoy the clam while it lasts.

 Stay Jazzed.

The Weekend - A Recap

The weekend the weekend – This weekend was full of exciting bits and pieces of fun.

Starting with the fact that  I did not have to go to the UK.. I mean really, what could be better than THAT??  *evil grin*  And of course the minor sniping I suffered *rolls eyes* fecking idiots.  But… I’m done with that.
Highlight of the weekend: I went to my first wedding!  My friend Angel finally got married to her man… it was lovely.  I realized however, that I am a fashion snob.  Corey is a food snob, I am a fashion snob, and mercy knows it will be interesting. But that aside,  it was a lovely wedding. I cried (and I really didn’t think I would, but it was just SOOOO touching) and I’m glad I went.  

However, I have realized that I am going to have to change a few things in my wedding.  *sighs*  I don’t want any mention of Jesus Christ in my vows.  I barely want any mention of God, but I can work my mind (and my mouth) around that.   Corey suggested that we get married in his home church - *shrugs shoulders* Okay…I guess.   I don’t think that I want to have a religious ceremony at all.  Just our vows to each other, and the legality.  I haven’t quite figured out how to word this to him…but I will. *laughs* I have plenty of time, eh?  I am so not Christian, and I don’t want the wedding to default to a Christian one. I am independent enough to be able to figure out a way to make it just as beautiful a ceremony without bringing Christ into it.  *sniffs*

We finished moving all of Corey’s stuff into the apartment Sunday.   *shrugs*  All I can say is that it’s going to be interesting.  He is SUCH a moody man ( and I have known this for a while) but I will have to get batter and just acknowledging his moods without having them ruin my own mood… whatever it may be.  *yawns* This is going to be a true learning experience. 

Okay… off to work now – as I would hate to neglect my job to play about in the OD. *sniffs*

Stay Jazzed.

Back to My life...

*shakes head*

 Okay… this is gonna be a real entry. I had to go to lunch to get myself out of the Survivor world. This game can REALLLY suck up time. My god…. doing work, chatting to coworkers and trying to play survivor all at once – what FUN!!

Anyhow… on the work front I might not be going to London. Not that that would bug me too much, but… I just wish I knew for sure. Speaking of which, I had the weirdest dream last night. My flight is supposed to leave at 5:15 or something like that on Saturday….  and with all the stuff going on I need to be at the airport by 2 at the latest.  I dreamt that I didn’t wake up until 3:30 Saturday, and hadn’t even packed. *laughs* You want to talk about madness?? And then, even though he isn’t even going, I dreamt that the coworker  I was stuck in Canada with had the same problem, except his car wouldn’t start and no cabs wanted to go out that far.  Wild… I hope it isn’t some kind of mental nudge for me. 

What else?   I have already bitched about the fact that I am broke…so let’s go on to wedding/not wedding stuff.

I have decided that rather set a time limit in my head for starting to bug him again, I am going to set a weight limit. *grins* I will start mentioning wedding stuff again once I have lost 25 pounds.  That way, the pressure is back on me. Hopefully that won’t take any more than 4 or so months. *nods* Plenty of time.  Of course, that also means that if I backslide…I will have to wait even longer. *sighs*

Urgh. I can’t wait to change my Diary back to ME!!  The chickie I mocked has a design similar to mine… but it’s just NOT me.

*sighs* I’m such a brat. I WANT that damn ring.  want it want it want it want it want it.  Waiting.  10 pounds.  1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10! ah-ah-ah.

Yes… I am going to do this in the ultimate reward/punishment system. I don’t get what I want till I give my self what I need.  *nods firmly*  *breaks down * But its soooo prettyyyy!!! *eyes sparkle* 

Okay. I’m rambling AND babbling at the same time. 

I’m bored.
I’m done.

*wanders off to look at Kachii stuff*

Stay Jazzed.

Technies and Sparklies...

It’s very very odd. In an earlier entry, I fussed about not having a ring. And then, I started reading newsgroups and stuff where women were either 1) bitching about the ring or 2) telling the women who were bitching about the ring that they should be happy with what they got… and take it as a gift from the man who they plan on spending the rest of their lives with. I really wasn’t sure WHICH group I would be in, but I was afraid I would be in the ‘bitching to my self, but happy to him’ group. Well.

Yesterday, we had a team building event at GameWorks Studio downtown. The Boy shows up in the middle of it (very subtly) and says he needs to borrow one of my rings. Wha wha whaaa??? But I let him have it. I was nervous…cuz I knew he had got something, and the whole way to my house at the end of the day, all I could think about was – What if I don’t like it?? Got home, settled in, trying very hard to not ACT like I was hunting for the little box. Eventually, he gave in and handed me a box. I opened it, and inside was a thin GOLD wedding band. At first I was disappointed…just looking at it. But…*LOL* I almost felt like the Grinch when his heart grew three sizes – I took it out the box and put it on, and I promise you it looks like the most beautiful ring I have ever worn in my life. It’s a lovely, simple, golden circle…and what makes it even better is he got a matching set… so he is wearing one too. And I don’t wear gold… I don’t even LIKE gold. But it is soooo beautiful, and so appropriate. I see it as, we are starting small… and when we really take that big leap, we will have the big sparklys to go with it, rather than doing it the other way around. At first, I thought maybe I was just trying to convince myself that I liked it….but I do. It’s no self brainwashing going on here…. it’s just true.

What those women were saying IS real – IF you love him, you will love anything he gives you. :) I love him. I referred to him as my fiancée for the first time to one of my friends last night and while it felt weird… it feels so right. :)

Okay… enough of the lovely dovey stuff. Let’s talk about my new TOY!!! After doing my expense report (and finding out that I could get back the cash that I spent) I decided that I would have to treat myself to something…new… and technological. So, I bough a Palm Pilot. :) I got the software installed on the work computer, and I am good to go. I have not yet transferred all of the stuff from my date book and calendar and everything into it, but I am excited.

What else? I’m going to a football game and a fashion show tomorrow…finally getting out and having fun and meeting people. Man… having a car really has made difference. I hung out with Angel on Wednesday….having much fun on Saturday… and also, me and the Boy are going to our first real presentation as an engaged couple – a presentation thingy where we have the chance to win a new car or 25,000 bucks. :) cool eh?

Ummm.. that’s it for now…

Stay Jazzed.

Dragging

I haven’t had a good hair r ant in a while…maybe because I am really starting to like my hair? Hmmm..what a thought.  But I am bored, and so I want to write about my hair. :)
I  tightened up the roots and washed it on Saturday, and now it is all soft and smell good and lovely. I can’t wait till it gets long enough for me to really be able to smell it…all I can do now is just stroke it… *nice hair… pretty hair… soft hair…*

Well.  Talk about a long break. I started writing that part  yesterday, got distracted by ( gasp) work, and now am finishing.  Glad to say that me and Corey had a chit chat… and though I didn’t QUITE get the results that I wanted… I’m pretty sure that  we will be getting officially hitched within 3 years at the max,  and 2 years at the minimum.  *sighs* I guess I can work with that.  Basically, for my own sanity, now I have to act like I never  even got engaged…cuz otherwise I will be tormenting the hell out of him. :) One good thing is that I am going to go and meet his family over thanksgiving. :) Momma’s and grandmama’s tend to be reallllly good at pressuring people.. yes?   Not that I want him to be pressured or anything…. *rolls eyes* God… I am starting to feel mildly psychotic… *grins* fun. 

Okay… it is taking me two days to write a single entry… this is rally sad… but SO wonderful. I am LOVING working… I mean really working. It’s kinda cool.

Off to work again ….

Stay Jazzed.

Changes

Well, this has been a really nice weekend. I haven’t done a damn thing…. left the house for a few hours to run some errands (how wonderful that errands that would have taken me all day and left me totally worn out now only take an hour or so…)  then came home, did and washed my hair (have to moisturize it properly today) and that has been it.
Nicky and G appear to be getting along. I think that I may have just adopted another cat… how wonderful eh? Last night they got into the catnip...so I have major cleaning to day today… but ah well. That’s okay.  It’s rather like having kids…. dear god.
Me and Corey haven’t really talked yet. He isn’t the biggest on planning, but… I want to sit him down and seriously talk about how long he foresees us being engaged… all that kind of stuff.   He wants us to live together before we get married. *sniffs* I have no problem with that… but I want *sudden thought* hmmm… get married after a year of living together. That might work… *sighs*  He is SO not into planning shit out.  And I so am…. so it will most likely end up with me doing most of the planning…. is that a bad thing?  I don’t know…. maybe, maybe not.
*grrr* I need to be talking to him about all this stuff…. not holding it to myself…ah well. I’ll try.
He says he wants me to talk more. :)

  Stay Jazzed.

Bad Jazzy... bad bad bad......

I feel really really really guilty. I want a ring dammit. I don’t want an expensive one, but I do want a diamond, and I do want either platinum or white gold, but I know that Corey can't afford it, and I know that it would ruin it for me if I bought it.  *deep breath* And I can’t even mention it to anyone…I don’t want to bring my momma into it, and I don’t want to mention it to Corey cuz I KNOW how he is about being broke and I will not make him feel bad with my want for a sparkly.  But dammmmiiiittt *falls on the floor and has a miniature temper tantrum….okay major*  I WANT ONE!!!! *deeepp breath*  Okay…. I just had to get that out.
 

 *returns to her normal calm and collected self*

 Of course... tormenting myself by looking at rings online isn't helping either.

 Stay Jazzed.

The Moment

Well… I need to write down exactly what happened because otherwise I’m going to start to forget.

I was home after having been puttering around most of the night,  trying to make a glaze for a pan of cinnamon rolls that I had the sudden urge to make. He buzzed the door, and I ran to let him in and then ran back into the kitchen because I had to get back to my glaze…. you understand?
He shed his various bags and coat and all that jazz, came in the kitchen, gave me the usual kiss and asked  me what I was up to. Telling him about the rolls and the glaze, his eyes lit up (the boy is a cinnamon rolls FIEND), and then he told me that he had to ask me something really important, so would I leave the glaze for a second.
I thought he was going to ask me if he could move in with me, or borrow a lot of money, or something…. he just seemed so serious and dour rather than really nervous.
So we are sitting on my couch, and I am all wrapped up in the throw I have on the couch. I was rather skimpily clad, and the living room was MUCH cooler than the kitchen. 
He starts to tell me how much he loves me, and how much I mean to him and all this other lovely dovey stuff and my eyes are just getting bigger and bigger as he is talking. Then he slides off the couch, gets on one knee (he really did… that is when the state of shock started) and asked me if I would be his wife. *grins* I had started giggling since about a minute before he actually asked me, because I suspected what was coming,  and I was trying to muffle it by covering the lower half of my face with the throw.  So when he asked, I just nodded madly. I couldn’t even speak because I had this HUGE ass grin on my face.  He was like – ‘Are you saying Yes?’ and I just kept nodding  and finally managed to get out this really itty bitty half giggly half breathy  YES.  :)  We hugged and kissed and shmoopied for a couple of minutes, and then I popped up and ran into the kitchen… because my rolls were starting to burn.  :)  Luckily the rolls were safe (and delicious I might add) and we were engaged. 
 He said (afterwards… as we were talking) that he wanted to wait until he could get a ring, but because of  hissy fit that I threw the day before I left for Madrid about how most of the time I could care less if he has money to sped on me, I just want to be WITH him…he figured (correctly too) that the ring would be a lot less important to me than knowing that he wants to be with me for life.  I inform him, however, that I some point I want an engagement ring. :)

And that’s it.  One year and two days after we started dating, he asked me to marry him…. how cool is that?

It still doesn’t feel quite real.  It’s almost like how a felt when I first got my car… it’s a change, but such a sudden one that it doesn’t really hit me how much has changed right away. :) I am more or less out of my state of shock….but wow.  I’m like… engaged…. to be married.  *faints dead away*

Stay Jazzed.

Zoom Zoom Zoom

As promised - CAR pictures....


The Side View


Get off the road!! Here I come..........



Don't I have the cutest booty??

Isn't she lovely? Isn't she wonderful? I took these pictures BEFORE she got filthy... thank goodness.

I think Corey finally figured out just how much I love him. :) He asked me to marry him. :) And I said yeah. *LOL* Actually I was just nodding madly (a VERY Carrie moment) but.... he got the idea. :)

I'se a happy bunny. Remarkably amazingly, I'm tearing up to cry happy. It's scary and amazing and wonderful. *giggles*

Stay Jazzed.

Wander Lust

I’ve lived in over 15 places in 24 years, and while that might not seem like much, it has made me who I am. In fact, if anyone asked me what shaped the person that I am the most the four things that would be on that list are: 1) Reading 2) Moving 3) Home Schooling 4) Islam . That it. Four things without with I wouldn’t be ME… I most likely wouldn’t be where I am now, and I sure as hell wouldn’t be who I am now.
For right now, I want to try and make a record of everywhere that I have lived. I have been having odd little flashbacks of places in the last few days, and I want to remember just how it was.
1. Washington, DC – birth to 4 years
The lovely place in southwest with the hardwood floors
I had Sesame St on the walls and woke up one night afraid of Bert.
Had my first sexual exploration with a girl…my first overall
The lovely tree in the back that they chopped down
Very close to the MD border
Saw the rainbow arching over the bus stop
went to preschool and wore the too large Sylvester costume

2. Springfield MA – about 9 months
3. Boston, MA – about 2 years
4. Chester, PA – about 2 years
5. Cleveland, OH – about 1 year
6. Somewhere in OH – about 2 months
7. Xenia, OH – about 3 years
8. Boston, MA – about 2 years
9. Trenton, NJ – about 9 months
10.Chester, PA – about 4 years
11.Atlanta, GA – about 5 years
11a. Kennedy, Florida – 2 summers
12. Indianapolis, IN – about 1 year

That’s it. I think that I am forgetting some places mainly because the years between 5 and about 12 are more or less a blur. I remember small things, but nothing concrete. I have always wondered why…maybe because so little in my life was concrete?

This is how I really feel....

Cookies make my tummy hurt. They also make me something else, but I’m going to keep that tidbit of information to myself.

I got another indicator today of just how odd I am… relatively speaking. Or maybe not. I have never been one who just knew that she was going to be getting married at some point. I was more of the mentality that I would get someone to knock me up, and me and my many babies would live in happy solitude. Okay… actually I wanted to live in a commune with me and a few wonderful people who would be good friends and occasional lovers. That was about it.

Now I’m faced with the concept that – Oh my GOD – I have met someone that I would very much so like to marry, and I have no clue how to do it. Okay, I have a rough idea of what married life would be like from here – real life in all it’s glory and misery – and a general idea of what I would want my married life to be like. I want it to be rather like my relationship life, only longer…and sweeter and stronger and more steady. I have a general idea of how I want to have and raise my kids. I have a good idea what I want my ring(s) to look like.

The problem is, you see, unlike a grand majority of women, I have utterly no CLUE what I want to wedding to be like. I have joked about getting married in all black (which I look damn good in I might add) or eloping… but other than that *shrugs* No clue. Isn’t that wonderful? And cool and amazing all at once? I get to maybe do something that I haven’t planned for. *grins* How interesting. Just for an idea of a cool wedding… there is a commercial where this guy and girl are standing on the beach in Hawaii and they are being married by a very much so Hawaiian guy. Then they dubbed the video, tossed in some music, and sent it to their parents. Now THAT… is a wedding. The white dress, catering, cake, reception halls, bridesmaids, grooms *starts groaning* Nope… nope…nope. Too much damn money. And stress. And expectations.

Anyhowwwwwwwwww…. I think I’m jumping the gun anyway. We have agreed that at some point we want to marry each other, but I’m not engaged. Nope… not at all. *LOL* I shan’t be engaged until one of us gives the other a proposal. *grins* Maybe I should propose to him… and get him a ring… *LOL* I don’t know. I’m happy and excited and I think that I am getting this way waaaaaayyy too far in advance and it might be years and he might change his mind (cuz I’m NOT changing mine) and maybe maybe maybe *deep breath*

I don’t know what might be. I just know what I am hoping for. And what I’m looking forward too is a long, mostly joyful, wonderful life with my Corey. The maybe wedding is just a blip on the road. Oh my .

Stay Jazzed.

Short Update and Note Replies

So tired. So so soooo very tired. Finished moving in...not finished unpacking. Love love love the place. Pictures soon. Cable doesn't work. Bad cable company. Catling is hyper. Boyfriend is wonderful. Need air conditioning. :)

Dollz: I have been collecting doll 'bits' from all over the web. If I can figure out a way to do it I'll display some of the nicer dolls. No Mermaid...you'll have your dolly in a bit. :) IceChica: Nah... I haven't checked out the barbie site, bit I will. Cyndi/Desert Rein: Do a web search for dollz (note the 'z') and plenty of pages of dollmakers will pop up. :) I've saved a lot of bodies and props to my hard drive so I can hold on to them...and play while I'm NOT hooked up to the web.

Um. I think that's it.

7/10/01

Totally terrified alternating with joy and relief. I don’t know, and that is really the worst part. I need to grab a test, a stick something to ease my worried mind.
At the same time that I hope I’m not…if I am I will be ready. I can see myself dealing with this and living with it… even if Corey does vanish from the picture. I ask him how much he loves me, but I don’t know if he is hearing me…I want to know if he LOVES me. If I can rely on him, if he is going to be a solid force in my life that I can depend on…if through good times and bad he will be there holding me up and cushioning me from falling too hard. That is what full and true love is to me.

I’m getting…itchy. I don’t know what’s going on inside me.. in my head or in my belly. I’m thinking that I am ready…to *gasp* settle down. I wanna be…full. I have had the vision in my mind for the longest that what I am meant to be.. who I am going to be.. is a mother. That…may be my place in life. a mother and a writer and a dreamer and a creator. Of all the paths I can take in my life, those are the ones that have always stood out clearest to me…those are the ones that I KNOW that I can follow, that I can take and succeed and manage through with grace and strength and comfort.

I’m going to be done writing my book by the end of the year, baby or no. I have to become self sufficient…I’m not going to be able to live and survive in a job for very long. It’s just not me. It’s weird and kind of scary to acknowledge these things.. ME… miss. I – need – my –creature –comforts basically saying… I don’t WANT to be stuck somewhere where the money is good but it’s not fulfilling for me. I want to be doing what I want to do.. and make money from it. I can do that. I KNOW I can do that….
and I am going to.


Jasmyn.

Dollz and Regression

I have gotten hooked on these little 'dollz' things. It is rather scary… but I mean talk about DRESS UP!! I had wanted to make me a little ego image, but those doll girls were just TOO skinny. *laughs* I couldn’t FIT my ego image into one of them… I’m a bit much. So.. since I have all this free time at work, and since all of my doll stuff is on the ‘personal’ drive on this computer, I figured why not?? And thus Jazzybelle was created. It took me a bit to figure out how to seamlessly put the image on my main page, but I like it…her. Her hair is a bit longer than mine is…but not by much. She is also a BIT slimmer than me, mainly because there is only so much you can warp a figure before it just starts looking…warped. Ummm..what else? The outfit is one of my favorites actually…a mint green tank top and a black skirt. The skirt I wear is longer… but it didn’t look right on the alter…I couldn’t figure out how to get it to drape right… *shrugs* I need more practice. *grins* And of course I had to do the silver jewelry!!

Umm.. okay. Enough talking about my silly little dolly. :) But she WAS fun.


P.S. - I did my hair.
Stay Jazzed.

No-Title Title

Well… that went well…sorta. I have ‘taken’ possession of my new digs, but the key doesn’t work, so I haven’t really taken anything. *sighs* Anyway, I went to sign the lease Friday afternoon, went to the apartment (which I have STILL not been in alone…*sighs*) wandered around for a bit, ate at Mickey – D’s and then came on back home. I really really like this place. While the apt that I’m in now was…almost overwhelming in it’s openness and hugeness, this place is simply welcoming. It feels very homey, and I really like it. I wanted to go and smudge the place, but I want to do that alone so I might have to stop there Thursday night after class. I want that place to be sweet and fresh when I move my stuff in.

The rest of the weekend was more of the same. I lazed about Friday night, woke up relatively early Saturday, packed some, then got dressed and went out. I wanted to pick up a decorating book or two, and I wanted to see a movie. So I ended up going to see Tomb Raider (umm… wait for it) and eating out. I had some LO-VE-LY prime rib (and for under 20 bucks too!!) and an all around good time. Came home after that, watched a bit of TV, crashed a bit. Sunday, got woken up at 7:00 by the sounds of them imploding the old arena up the street from my house, couldn’t get back to sleep, so I went to IHOP. Having packed up most of my cookware and food and spices gives one a wonderful excuse to eat out. Packed a bit more, washed clothes, dozed, and in all had a lovely weekend. I hoped to see Corey before it was all over, but as he was detained in returning from his family reunion (what should have been a six hour trip turned in to a 10 hour trip) that didn’t happen.

Ah yes. And so now here I am at work, with little to nothing to do, freezing my poor little TOES off. *sighs* I really wish they would come back and FIX this crap. It’s a health danger. I think I might protest and start working from home. *pouts*

Anyway. I’m a little sleepy. *yawn* Hm. I start back up with these stupppppiiid driving classes again today. Oh joy… rapturous rapturous joy. blegh. I wanna DRIVE dammit. *sighs* Okay.

I’m gone.

Stay Jazzed.

Fireworks...

BRRRRRRRR!!!!!

It is just not right for it to be 83 degrees outside, and to be about 60 degrees inside. NASTY NASTY NASTY. I’m cold!! I don’t like being cold! Dammit!

With that little rant out of the way, I had a good Independence Day. I slept lots, packed lots, actually went and WATCHED the fireworks this year rather than staying cooped up in my apartment listening to them like I did last year. The only thing that would have made the fireworks better would have been if Corey was there with me. *sighs* I ought to call him up and tell him that. I think I will. *pause* Um. okay. All done. *sighs* I’m turning into a clothing courier. Ah well.

I’m practically done packing, but it doesn’t look like it. Because this is the first time I am moving with actual real furniture, the house still looks kinda full, cuz all the big stuff is still sitting around. Most of the cabinets and stuff are empty, but you can’t really tell that from a single look. I have been throwing out so MUCH stuff… it is really ridiculous. I have been carting along so much junk with me for the past few years, it’s actually kinda nice to get rid of it.

Giovanni is NOT happy with the whole moving situation. He has been acting like heis on drugs for the past few days…running around chasing after something only he can see, meowing so sad and pitiful and then when I try to pet him attacking my hand…it’s scary. Almost like he is regressing. He doesn’t even seem to notice that his bits are gone…

I am starting to feel … guilty … about not doing my hair. It doesn’t really look THAT bad, but I am just really aware of that fact that I have not DONE my hair in well over a month, and that is just not cool. I finally put a bead in it (it looks really cool, I might have to take a picture) but I’m not as happy with it as I should be because the REST of my hair isn’t all nice and neat and parted and DONE like it should be. However, since I am a lazy baby, and there are so many more interesting things for me to do lately than my HAIR, I don’t see me getting it done anytime soon.
Also, I know that I am a little sensitive about my hair. There have been many a day when I thinking that I look like an utter crow’s nest up there, and someone will compliment me on my hair. Another thing that has been picking at me is the fact that I have…odd hair. Remarkable thick, rather kinky coily and nappy, but ONLY when it is totally free. If I have my hair twisted on in braids or in locs like it is now, the roots of my hair come out wavy. Almost straight. And I don’t think that they are gonna loc up on their own. *sighs* Soooooooo….. I think that I am going to break down and do my hair.

But speaking of hair…

I had an interesting run in yesterday, and I haven’t figured out whether to be insulted or complimented by it. I was walking to the liquor store ( to get BOXES!!!!) and this guy pulled up next to me in a Mercedes with a girl in the passenger seat. He asked me if I did my own locs, and I said yes. He asked if I did other folx, and I said not really. All well and good right? So then he asked for my number so that maybe he could call me to get his done. *shrugs* No problem, this might be a secondary source of Income. SO I give him my number and my ‘other’ name, and continue on the to grocery store. He had a bit of a tude, but I didn’t pay it no mind. So I’m behind the liquor store, scavenging for the best boxes, and here comes Mr. Car Dude… anyhow… (here comes the insult/compliment part) he tells me that I have a lovely ass (umm..thanks) and that he would like to get with me in about an hour. *makes face* Say whaa?? After I turn him down, he tells me that he is a producer from NYC with big bucks…. I tell him I don’t want/need nobody else’s money and anyway... I GOT a man… he comes back with ‘well I don’t need nobody else’s woman’. *snickers* So annnyyyhow… he gets a further tude (on top of the one he already had) cuz I told him I had no interest in fuckin his skanky ass… and then leaves, saying I was gonna change my mind.
Now, my point of confusion was this: Should I be complimented on the fact that he noticed me as a lovely sexy woman, or should I be insulted that he stepped to me in such a trifling way? My own personal feeling is pure amusement that he thought he was so much the shit that he didn’t NEED to show any common respect or decency. *shrugs* And he wasn’t even all that cute!! Or maybe I should just hold the two things as separate compliment -------- insult. *sighs* *giggles* He thought I was gonna be IMPRESSED?!??! Umph… please.
I briefly considered telling Corey about this, but somehow I think this is one of those things that men just don’t need to know. Or at least boyfriendly type men…*shakes head*


Stay Jazzed,

Whooshhh...

I’ve figured out why I like moving so much…it represents new frontiers for me. Once I have decided on moving…I daydream about lovely decorating and new areas and just fun stuff. Rather like the same feeling I got every time I wanted to rearrange my room…A sense of freedom embedded in change.

My job is really starting to get on my nerves. People being pulled and overstressed, and then trying to transfer that stress over to me. Umm… I think not. There comes a point where one just has to take a step back and realize that stressing and trying to rush is going to just put you even further back along than you should have been. *sighs* People need to take a really big chill pill. Blagh. I’m actually glad that I don’t have a passport. These crazy people might try to ship me to Spain. Ugh.

I’m trying to figure out what the hell I am doing with my hair. I haven’t twisted the roots for over a month now, and it is starting to get all wild and wooly. Mind you, I rather like it that way, because the roots tend to get all soft and silky due to my natural oils and juices creeping up the roots. So it feels really really good, but it doesn’t look to hot. In fact it looks rather….wild and wooly and stuff. I have been considering just letting it free form – stop twisting it and let it loc up on it’s own, but I think my hair is a little too soft and straight to do that on it’s own. I wonder just how long it would take for my hair to do something on it’s own…and whether or not I have to hold off on washing it. *yyeeeccchhhh* That is one of the main things that led me to lock my hair the way I have done it, the fact that I could wash it and get it wet almost every day if I wanted to. *shrugs* I don’t know…

Me and Corey are better. *sighs* I swear, me and him have so many ups and downs, and then we sit down and talk and clear up most of our issues, and sail forward for a while and then it is back to the up and down again. Hopefully, now that I am off of the pill, and now that we have gone through some tough points, the ups will last much longer than the downs. Ya know, he was actually thinking about breaking up with me on Saturday? Isn’t that horrid? And we can’t figure out a way to insure that the lines of communication stay clear. *sighs* I have never worked this hard at anything in my life…but it is so much so worth it.

Money issues? Ugh… tighter and tighter. Since the damn machine ate my ATM card, I have to wait for my mother to send me this money for the rest of my lease. *sighs* I don’t know I don’t know…I’m hoping that everything works out well, cuz if it doesn’t I might seriously go batty. I WANT this place…really really I do.

Um. I think I might paint this place. The main room that I want to work on is the kitchen. Because of the way it is set-up, it is kinda dark, and I want to brighten it up as much as possible. However, I consider yellow kitchens to be the most…average thing there is. Blagh. I also think that the dark wood paneling isn’t helping in the least.

*yawnnn* I need more sleep. Not that I haven’t been getting plenty, but I still need more. *shrugs* I don’t think that is going to happen considering the fact that I HAVE to have my house packed totally by Monday, since I’m going to be in driving classes next week and thus I won’t be able to pack at all that week. *sighs* I really need to hunt down/up some more boxes.


Stay Jazzed.

Short.

*makes face* Yup…he’s mad.
*sighs* Boundaries, thas all. I want to have guidelines, little paths that my feet can follow that make me comfortable and make him comfy too.
*shrugs* I’ll talk to him at some point later.
Work wasn’t too too bad.
Blagh.

Stay Jazzed.

Testing Testing 1,2, Key....

I did something mildly sly, and I want to note it so that I can remember to record the results (if any). A few weeks ago, he gave me back the keys to my place, because he said he ‘felt’ like I didn’t like him coming over. *rolls eyes* Anyhow, Tuesday night, he asks for me to leave the him the spares so that he would go to his job and pick up the boxes he said he would get me. I said no problem, and pulled out the spare from where I keep them (in the kitchen cabinet) while he watched me. Last night, when I got home there were no boxes, because he said he didn’t feel like walking back with them because he didn’t have the money for the cab. I said fine, but it sent off a little ‘beep-beep-beep’ warning signal in my head. He had left the keys on the counter, and with him watching again I but them back where I had gotten them from that morning. I don’t want him to keep the keys to my place…and he understands that. However, when I got up this morning I thought hmm…I wonder if he plans on staying here all day today too? Or going out then coming back…or just keeping the damn keys…so… rather than just accuse him of wanting anything (1 – it was too damn early 2- I was already running late and 3- he was half sleep), I just took the keys out of the kitchen cabinet and put them someplace else. If he goes for the keys, I am sure I will hear something back and we can converse from that point on. If he doesn’t, it won’t be mentioned again and I can relax knowing that he is aware that the whole ‘chillin at Jazzy’s house’ thing has been sharply curtailed.

I don’t know… it should be interesting. My life – with more extra Drama!!

Stay Jazzed.

Moving, Money, Men and Drugs.

Umm…it’s odd. I keep thinking that I am writing in here, but when I go to look at the entry list, nothing new is there. I guess I am using a thought process of ‘I need to write this for the OD’ and just never get around to doing it.
Anyhow….life life life..what’s going on with me? Ummm… I’m moving on July 13th, and I have broken down and decided to pay someone to help me. *shrugs* It makes life easier. I haven’t started packing yet, because I don’t have any boxes. Corey said that he would get me some boxes from work, but I am still on an independent search for boxes. I mean I work in half of a factory, I SHOULD be able to find some great boxes. I just stuck a little note on this big stack of boxes that I saw in an elevator about to be taken to be recycled most likely, politely asking the ‘owner’ to give me a call. *sighs* Hopefully I will hear from them a little after lunch.
Note on above: I tend not to rely on people, because I know just how unreliable some people are, and how easily some people tend to shrug off ‘favors’ they have said they would do for someone else. So anytime I ask someone for a ‘favor’ (except my mom) I have secondary plans in motion just in case they fall through. If they don’t, I can always throw away some extra boxes, but if I do get left in the lurch, I won’t totally be assed out. Part of my pessimism showing.
I was supposed to start a new pack of pills on Sunday, and I haven’t. I don’t feel much different, though I did have a dream this morning in which there was a distinct scene of me slobbing Corey down, so that is a good sign. I haven’t called the doc yet either – work has been hectic, but I will do so. I never called him to talk about the results of my latest pap either, so I can kill two birds with one stone. I have researched and researched and there basically seem to be four different kinds of birth control. 1) Hormones – the pill, Norplant, Depo, Lunaire 2) Barrier – Condom( girl and guy), Diaphragm, Sponge, Foam… 3) for lack of a better word – ‘Devices’ – Chasitity Belts, IUD’s and the like, and the last kind 4) Dangerous/Unrealistic(for me) – Pulling out, Fertility Awareness methods, abstinence.
Hormones are out. I really don’t like taking them, and it seems that no matter what kind I take (I have been on three different kinds, a tri-cyclic, a low dose tri-cyclic and a mono-phasic) I end up not having sex cuz I don’t want to anyhow. Forced abstinence is a bit much for me. I’ll be damned if I get something stuck in me that I will HAVE to live with for long periods of time. Nope uh-uh. When I got pregnant before it was with a condom, so my security with that method is nil, I just don’t trust diaphragms (how do you know the stupid thing is covering EVERYTHING??) and I would use up a bottle of foam at a time (and what if his are some really tenacious wrigglers?) and sponges cost too much. Less than a child, yes, but still…and as for group 4 – I might as well just get pregnant and be done with it. So… that leaves me with the IUD. Mind you, I was conceived ‘around’ an IUD…but that WAS 25 years ago. I hope (pray…) that the IUD’s are better now. So…*sighs* I hate having stuff poked that far into me. It hurts. *grins* But as I’m sure Cyndi would say, ‘Labor feels worse!’ So…

Ummm… I have decided to borrow 100 bucks from my mom, just in case to tide me over if Gio’s surgery costs more than I expected it to. *sighs* If if if… bitching does no good though does it? I could have asked Corey for the cash… but as he still owes me 45.00 bucks for a damn phone bill *rolls eyes* I don’t want to have any monetary interactions with him. umph. And I sure as heck don’t want to be beholden to him in that kind of way. Is that sad? I’m not sure…we have very different ideas on how to handle money soo….it makes life easier. At least my life.
Anything else? Work has been….interesting lately. Hectic in a stressful kind of way, but not really in a ‘pressed –for –time’ kind of way. It’s odd. It’s stress based on conflict between what people want and what can truly be provided, rather than a conflict between what is needed and the amount of time we have to do that in. I think I like the time stress more.
I’m tired. Tired tired tired. I (stupidly) stayed up until 2am Sunday talking to Corey about ‘us’. If anyone has watched Sex and the City… I totally sympathize with Samatha – “I’m so SICK of talking!!’ . Anyway…I have been on the go since then, leaving the house around 6:30 am and not getting back until around 10:00 pm because of driving class, and then having to do whatever in the house and then drag my ass to bed. I’m wiped. And then they want me to come into work later tonight so that I can restore the system because most of our test data got corrupted yesterday. *sighs* Hopefully I’ll be home by 10:00 tonight. Hopefully. Last night I was talking to my mom about the money, and I was so tired while looking for the ATM card that I felt like crying. *sighs* Lack of sleep makes me an evil evil person. And Corey assumes that it is something to do with him. *rolls eyes* Mercy, can’t I have an attitude without him thinking that it is a personal reflection on ‘us’??

Stay Jazzed

And for our next act....

:(

Ya know...it would be a lot easier if I just gave in and stayed barefoot and pregnant. Really it would. But...as I happen to enjoy being not a mother (right now), and I wanna keep it that way.
Being on the pill has once again, completely erased my sex drive. For a while I thought it was just the fact that I was irratated with Corey and thus didn't want to have sex with him... but now that I want to have sex with him, I have utterly NO interest in anything remotely sexual. *sighs* It's rather like being stuffed full to the gills, and someone tries to offer you more food. Your reaction is 'Ewww...what am I supposed to do with THAT?!?'
So...it's back to the OB/GYN for me. I'm sure my dear doctor is getting sick of seeing me, and I am also sure that he is going to ask me why the hell I let him write me a prescription for something that I won't be taking...*sighs* I have been on the pill for *thinks* about 4 months now I think...and I am considering trying to get an IUD. I don't particuarily trust condoms...they are wonderful things but...pills make you feel SAFE. Secure...immune to getting knocked up. As body conscious as I am...I can't imagine wearing an diagphram...*giggles* I am butter fingery enough as it is now...

*sighs* All this to avoid what I want anyway. *shakes head* Logically illogical.

Stay Jazzed.

It's crashing down around me...

Man…. I knew things were going bad on the project I work on, but I didn’t think it would all start coming down around our ears. Most of the team had gone upstairs to the café (which was odd as the food is notoriously NOT all that good…and expensive) and we were lounging a bit after finishing lunch. Then the three consultants who work with us came upstairs as well. A few seconds later, one of the team members came up and told us that part of the ceiling in our team room had exploded. We didn’t think it was THAT big of a deal, but after coming downstairs and actually SEEING what had happened… my goodness. The ceiling fell in right over the consultants’ desk. Scaryyy…..so they have kicked us out of the team room, and we are sitting out in the hallway in cubicles. Yeech. Talk about NO privacy… I don’t like having people be able to look over my shoulder. The thought of having to reduce the little bit (yeah right) of OD’ing that I do is ugly!!

Anyhow… me and Cheffy had a nice long talk at last last night. *sighs* I think things will be better, but I’m still holding back for sure on that point. Damn it… forget it. I’mma call him Corey… it’s a lot easier on my head. *sighs* The only thing that soured the night was that he didn’t want to spend the night unless we had sex. *rolls eyes* Men.

My head hurts. I hope there is no asbestos in the ceiling tiles…that would suck.

On the moving front: One of my co-workers told me that you can call The Church of Latter-Day saints and they will move you for free…all they ask is that you buy them lunch. :) I think I can swing that without too much of a problem. So that seriously reduces my overhead, which is good considering I DO have to pay the last months worth of rent in the expensive place, and I have to pay the pro-rate for the cheaper place. *sighs* I think I might change Gio’s surgery to just be neutering rather than neutering and declawing… it will be a little cheaper I’m thinking. *sighs* What I forgot about was the fact that they cash the security deposit check rather than just holding on to it until the end of the lease. *sighs* If I just had another week everything would be much much easier. Ah well…can’t bitch over spilled milk eh?

Stay Jazzed.

Lock me up and put me away...

I am officially certifiable. Why you ask? I am going to try to move in 3 weeks. Yup… three weeks. *sighs* I’m demented. Why do I plan on doing this…because it would save me a months rent at the higher rate…and I’ll be damned if I don’t take advantage of that fact. I’ll be moving over the weekend of the Fourth. *sighs*
I’m going to the office today to give them the rest of the deposit and the pet deposit, and then I am going to go and look at the place one more time (not as if I could weasel out of it now) just to get another grasp on anything that I will have to hammer out.
The issues will be actually MOVING…and the money issues. If I could just have until the 15th of next month everything would be peachy. *snorts* We are going to have to talk about that fact.

*grins* But I’m happy… and much more relaxed now that I know I am DONE DONE DONE.

At least with the apartment….

Stay Jazzed.

Theme Entry...

Ahhh…. a theme that I actually WANT to answer….

Because I moved around so much, I don’t have a place that I went to as a ‘child’ that I still like to go to. However, as an adolescent, I found a place that I love to go back to because of the warm and wonderful memories that I have from it.

During the summers after my freshman through junior years in high school I was enrolled in the Upward Bound program. This program was held on the campus of Swarthmore college, which has to be one of the most beautiful schools in Eastern PA, if not on the whole Eastern Seaboard. The campus is actually an arboretum, and it was originally started by Quakers, which means that not only does it have old classic buildings, it is surrounded by a 120 acre garden. *sighs* Gorgeous…and the friends I made while I was there I am still friends with.

Every time I go ‘home’ I have to go to Swarthmore and wander about in the Nature and beauty of that school.


That was really trite entry… and doesn’t even begin to capture the feelings that I have about Swarthmore. *shrugs* The place brings me peace and it makes me smile. I fell in and out of love for the first time there. I made my first ‘best friend’ there. I danced in a troupe for the first time there. I learned just how intelligent I am there. I grew up there. I got most of the social skills that I have now from there. I worked the hardest that I have ever worked there…and loved it the most. To me, SCUB was the best part of my teenage years.


Stay Jazzed.

Corey's Song

a make me wanna holla
ya make me wanna scream
you make me wanna reach out
and color in the blank spots that I feel in between
every time we talk it’s to be a dead end
you hear what you think
I’m just trying to get out what I feel
Cold…perhaps
but you quench my flames
I feel free away from you
no need to worry
I’m not gonna cause you any pain

Come together
come together
make a bond that will last forever
reaching for a dream
reaching for a hope
it’s breaking my heart
can we cope?

I see your face in my dreams
I hear your voice in my thoughts
I feel you touching me
but never in my heart
What’s holding you back
where did we go wrong
Am I a building to attack
or a woman just trying to carry on

Come together
come together
make a bond that will last forever
reaching for a dream
reaching for a hope
it’s breaking my heart
can we cope?

The end is near
if we go on this way
you hearing your thoughts
me saying what I’m trying to say
Take me for who I am
or don’t take me at all
don’t expect me to be your dream
cuz then we both will fall

Come together
come together
make a bond that will last forever
reaching for a dream
reaching for a hope
it’s breaking my heart
can we cope?

I’m just me
Not who you want me to be

I’m just me
a woman who needs space to be free
I’m just Jazzy
and that’s all I can be

Come together
come together
make a bond that will last forever
reaching for a dream
reaching for a hope
it’s breaking my heart
can we cope?

Where do we go from here?

*deep breath*

It is starting to take a lot of…energy to deal with Cheffy. It’s jard for me to really put a finger on exactly what it is. Like I said yesterday, he can be an asshole at times…but I can be a bitch at times, so that isn’t really something I can call him on. One thing (I get the oddest flashes of clarity in the shower) that occurred to be today was that he tends not to listen to me. When we are having our little ‘discussions’ I will say something, and mean precisely want I say, but he filters it through some half-assed this-is-what-Jazzy-‘MEANS’ translator of his that is just broke.
I know that I have a tendency to keep shit to myself, and I work on that on a daily basis. But once I get to the point that I do speak out… I say what I’m thinking and how I feel… as exactly as I can. And to have him ‘interpret’ what I’m saying, and then act on that rather than what I said…is frustrating as hell. And the sad part is no matter how many times I go back over the same shit, he STILL doesn’t hear what I am saying, he hears what he wants to hear, or what he ‘thinks’ I’m saying. And I’m getting to the point where I’m really just tired of talking. Why bother when I’m not being listened to?

Another thing, is that he tends to treat me as if…I’m inadequate somehow. Like I need constant guidance in how to deal with a relationship, as if he knows just so much freaking more than I do about interacting with people. While I have to admit, I haven’t had exactly the BEST track record when it comes to relationships (based on some other things) I’m not too thrilled about being treated like the kid who rides the short bus. Then again, that might just be a side effect of his *thinks* arrogant façade. He tends to be one of those folx who firmly believes that they shit don’t stink…until I firmly pop his bubble…and he changes for a hot second…and then it’s back to the ‘Cheffy – King of the World’ attitude.

The latest thing that has been heating up my…blood pressure I guess is that he tends to come in late (and that is expected because he works late) but then he wants to sit and have conversations. While I do love talking to him, and while I know that I don’t see him that much…wouldn’t most intelligent and considerate people consider that waking someone up who has to be to work in 5 hours and who has been sleep for about 3 to have a deep conversation really isn’t the wisest course to take?

*sighs* Anyhow…I don’t know what’s going ‘on’ here with us. I feel us slowly creeping down the slippery slope towards breaking up, and I don’t want that to happen. Then I start thinking about why I don’t want it to happen, and I really can’t come up with any GOOD reasons. I would miss him yes…but I think I would be able to keep him as a friend. With him it’s always been a different kind of thing… more low level, never burning quite as hard or as bright as some of my other love affairs have. And I feel like we are hitting a foggy area right now, and I don’t know how to clear it up.

*sighs* Anyhow I needed to get that out. I think that we will actually be around each other during ‘normal’ hours over the weekend…and I think we will have a talk then. *sighs* I just feel so…un-hopeful about our little ‘talks’ because…well…maybe we need to talk about his interpreter and see if that helps.

Stay Jazzed.

The hunter goes forth.

Well…I THINK I might have found an apartment that I like. I’m gonna do a pro/con list for it:

Pro:
Hardwood floors
Heat is paid
Close to downtown
525.00
On busline
Good water pressure
‘Character’!

Con:
Have to move in earlier than I planned
On a busy street
Kinda smallish
No central air
No balcony


I think the two lists kinda balance out, so I’m not going to worry about it… (much). I have 3 places to look at tomorrow, one on Monday, and one on Tuesday. If I don’t see anything in that group that I like, I will go for this place…I think. If I have to move early, it will be a bit more of a headache because I won’t have a car/license and so I will either have to pay someone to do it or rely on someone else do help me out. Ugh…I am really such an independent cuss. *sighs* The other places are more expensive…so this place realllly might win out. I’m going to leave here early and go get the passport stuff done, then I am going to go to this other place that I haven’t been able to get in contact with anyone, but the place SOUNDS nice so I want to swing by and see what is up with it. Hmm… even though I have given a deposit (just to hold the place) I’m suspending a decision for a bit.

I didn’t realize that I would be shopping while I was in the throes of PMS… so I am going to have to be just disgusting analytical about the places to be sure that I’m not jumping into someplace emotionally. Also, I do think that I will take a 6 month lease…if offered, just so that I can browse around and see what else is available. Of course, it will suck to have to move twice in a short period of time, but I want to find a really nice place for me that will be as homey as possible. What WON’T suck is paying 420 dollars less for rent every month. That’s a car payment, insurance and utilities. *happy grin*

Um. I guess I should do some work now. Huh.

Stay Jazzed.

Changes

I have always acknowledged myself to be an impatient person…it’s just part of who I am. I like to be always doing SOMETHING… even if what I am doing is totally mental, and waiting on other people to do something has always driven me crazy.
Lately though, I have been trying to just consciously wait. To be still for a bit, to let things flow and to let time carry me towards what ever it is I am waiting for. It’s a lot less stressful, and a lot more peaceful...but it’s hard at the same time.
It feels rather forced and false, as if I am trying to force my self into some sort of shell that in no way resembles who I am…but instead resembles who I would like to be. I never thought that it would be hard to change…at least not once the decision had truly been made. Yet I am having a hard time changing one little mannerism of myself, for brief periods of time. What sort of emotional upheaval comes from trying to remake your entire self for the rest of your life??

Stay Jazzed.

The disjointed thoughts of a woman who wants to g

go home.
Hm how rude... it would not let me type my whole title.







stretch out my mind
open up my heart
shake my behind
my new life’s gonna start


Okay…for a second I thought I was a songwriter. Um… nevamind. :)

In a relatively good mood today… not feeling quite so broke. :) Sifting through a newspaper, found a couple of interesting places, two of which are being managed by the company that I’m going on the walkabout with tomorrow. :) So I’m triple crossing my fingers that the places won’t be skunky. (dear god… I really did NOT know how to spell skunk!) and that I will like them and that they will be available and allll that jazz. *sighs*
What else? Work hasn’t been too boring today, I’m finally getting to do what I was supposed to have done all freaking last week. *sighs* Perfection takes time though right??
*grins* I feel like tomorrow is going to be Christmas or something… I’m all twitchy. I really think some good stuff is going to happen… I go to look at apartments, I get paid and it’s Friday! That is just gonna be a damn good day.

I realize what some of my issues with Cheffy are. He can be an absolute and total asshole at times, for no apparent reason.
It’s odd… I don’t really want to write about what drives me crazy about him. Why is that?

Hm. I want to take a pottery class. :) Maybe later huh?

Stay Jazzed.

*Yanks on hair* AGGGHHHHHH!!!!

Okay. I’m about to really go ape-shit over here… so I need to put together a calendar.


June 15 – get paid
June 15 – make arrangements for driving classes
June 15 – apply for passport.
June 18 – July 6 – Take driving lessons
July 6 – Aug 1 – Test drive cars
July 9 – Decide whether to give Apartment 30 day notice
July 13 – Get paid (a Friday!)
Aug 6 – Take driving test
Aug 7 – buy Car
Aug 8 – 14 – move (possibly)
Aug 15 – Get Paid
Aug 20 – go to Spain
Sept 3 – Return to Indy.

Hm. Actually not too bad after all. By the time I want to get the car, I will have saved up enough for insurance (no doubt) and (maybe) deposit and the like on the apartment.

So… what worries do I have?

1) That I won’t find an apartment that I like for a good price.
a. Well… that can be handled by getting a short lease somewhere (anywhere) safe & cheap so that I can afford the car…and then I can move again in January or March. I don’t HAVE to have something precisely perfect right away.

2) That I won’t like the car or it won’t fit me right
a. Well… that is really a minor worry placed in my head by someone else. *shrugs* To me a car is a car… a device to get from point a to point b. As long as it gets me there safely, and doesn’t eat up shitloads of gas… I think I will be happy.

3) That I won’t pass my driving test.
a. Pshaw. I just included that to acknowledge the fact that it might happen. After I take these classes, that will really be the LAST thing that I am going to stress over.

4) That I won’t get my passport on time.
a. Well… It tends to take 6 weeks. If I get the application in next week, that gives me almost 8 weeks to get it back. And since I’m doing this through the company, that reduces the worries even more.

5) That I will have serious money crunch issues.
a. Well…lately I have been having the absolute best of luck/chance/blessing when it has come to money. I’m not sure how long this will last, so I am just doing the best with it that I can. Also, as I have a relatively immediate need/desire for ‘extra’ money, I will be much much more aware about saving and keeping my grubby fingers OUT of my savings account. Also, while I am in Spain, I will be totally on the company dollar, so that will be less money that I am spending.


What kinda threw me for a worry worry fret fret loop was the fact that I found out today that I AM going to Spain…even though I had been told for the past few weeks/months that I would NOT be going to Spain. And since the time that I would be going to Spain is about the same time that I wanted to move I was a little worried. While it does cramp my style a LITTLE… *shrugs* I’m really not going to stress it… now that I have it laid out all nice and pretty on paper.

*sighs* No more stress.

Stay Jazzed.

Those XY People

Ummm… I enjoy re-reading my diary. I went back about a year to re-read what was going through my head when I came up here the first time, and didn’t really find much except for my joy about my lovely new apartment…the same one that I am madly trying to escape from now. :) ah well…I was also talking about the relationship between me & chris…during that amazingly sweet honeymoon period of time. ah. well.
*shrugs* Then I read my entry for Father’s Day last year… *sighs* and I can’t even imagine pretending to try to write one this year. *shrugs* I’m…dismissive of my step-father, and I have given up all hope as far as my biological father is concerned… but re-reading that actually gave me some insights into who I am, and some of the issues and assumptions that I tend to have about my relationships.


What was the most important thing I learned from my father(s)? I learned that I have to be ready & able & willing to stand on my own two feet at all times, because trusting someone else to be able to stand on theirs can be a losing proposition. I learned that actions speak so much louder than words, and that words don’t mean shit. I learned that if I want to be somebody, and do something, I have to do it on my own, and be ready to pull others along. I learned that promises & disappointments go together, and that one lie found out may mean five more still in hiding. I learned a lot from my father(s). Most of it I wished I hadn’t learned. I wished I had learned how to be a daddy’s girl, how to know that there was always a man in my life who was strong & stable as a rock. I wished that I had learned what a daddy was, rather than what a father is.


I translate this same…ideals I guess to most (if not all) of the men in my life. Actually, I view most men that I am in a relationship with like this… *Shrugs* It’s what I have learned, and I have yet to run into a man who has proven me just totally wrong. *shrugs* I’m not even going to go through how every relationship that I have been in has failed me in some way. And I’m not saying that that failure was all that person’s fault. In fact, in a few cases, I know quite well that it was OUR fault…but at the same time… if I did not have those…learned responses to some stimuli, *laughs* I would be better able to get PAST my past and deal with men strictly on their own terms.

How do you break out of a learned and repeatedly re-enforced cycle of behavior and expectations? I was trying to explain to Cheffy one day how I feel that I had started off wrong in our relationship…how I had started off as a doormat and how I was trying to roll the mat back up. His response was that I was becoming cold and unfeeling and focusing solely on me and my needs. And it was true…because I can’t see the point of equilibrium, where you are taking care of yourself totally, and still have energy left for someone else. And in order for that kind of equilibrium to be established (esp. between two adults) I have the expectation that if I am going to be focusing on me and my needs AND you and your needs… then YOU need to be focusing on your needs and my needs as well…rather than just thinking about you and what you want and what you can do. *Shrugs* I’m slowly trying to work my way to a point where I can put my finger on it and say ‘Yes! This is what went wrong, this is what needs to change to make things right’. *rolls eyes* And then I really don’t feel like I should have to be dealing with these kind of issues when I am NOT married… but then somehow he makes me feels guilty about being all for me. *shrugs* I HAVE to focus on and me sure that Jazzy is making sure her shit is straight, cuz Cheffy is not making sure my shit is straight. And if making sure that my shit is straight means not being as…compliant and available to him as I have been… *shrugs* that’s life. Is that a cold and cruel way to look at it, or am I just finally being realistic?

Well. That was a nice little purging. I wish that I could look at our relationship ‘on paper’. Just look at what it REALLY is with my own mind… and blank of any past residue or expectations…and compare that to what I want. Write down what happens that makes me mad or that makes me happy… and try to figure out what the problem is.

Stay Jazzed.

Mind Numb

It never fails…every time… almost every single time that I bitch about not having enough to do…some disgusting brain warpingly tediously boring task comes along with MY name on it. And this is a task that doesn’t even have any extended wait periods so I really have to snatch bits of OD time *sighs* me and my big mouth.
But, as the system has crashed for the moment (I don’t think I will ever take any of this companies drugs after we go live…shit screws up too easily) I can take some time to bitch. :) I am not ‘obsessing’ about the apartments, but I did check to see the general locations of the various apartments so that I know if I am going to need cab money to get to any of these places. *shrugs* They are all pretty easy to get to, much better than the madness I went through Saturday.

Chris has been telling me that I need to test drive the car before I buy it. I’m trying to figure out if a dealer would actually let a person who doesn’t have a license test drive a car…somehow I’m thinking that the answer there is no. :) So… it’s gonna be fun.

Hmm… systems back up. Off to more mind deadening…

WHOO HOO!! I’m done. Finally. Yeech. And it’s almost time for me to go home. :)

I was considering going to the neighborhood that the apartments are in...just to look.. but that would be obsessing wouldn’t it? *sighs* I’m hopeless…and impatient.

Grrr. Posting. Shutting down…going HOME.

Stay Jazzed.

*crumple* GO *pounce* AWAY!!!

*beats it down*
*turns her back... it POUNCES*
*beats it down AGAIN*
*ignores it for a few days*
*without warning...SLAM!!*
*beats it down with a big stick and takes drugs*


*sighs* My pregnant co-worker just came back from vacation today. Damn baby fever.


Stay Jazzed.

Early Morning

Ahhhh…a good nights rest and pretty red fingernails makes life seems sooooo much better.. ya know?

*wiggles* Hmmm… a little breakfast is good too *licks fingers* I had a driving dream last night, and I was driving this totallllly piece of shit car. *LOL* I mean I PUT the car together cuz it was made out of plastic (like model car) material, and it was just soooo flimsy and cheap. But I was driving that baby…almost got myself killed going through a highway construction area the wrong way *nervous giggle* and then nearly had a shit fit when they blocked the only way to get BACK to my house/grocery store (don’t ask) but then the nice highway patrol lady lifted the concrete barrier out of my way and let me through. then my cat started walking on me so I have no clue where else I could have gone from there.
*grins*
I have placed a self inflicted time-out on even thinking about apartments until Friday. That way, hopefully I won’t drive myself too too bonkers. Hopefully.
*yaawwwnnnns* Hmm… maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that croissant so early in the morning. Now I’m all snotty and sleepy. Yeech. And bored. Man… I have got to have the oddest job in the world…I mean really…don’t most peoples jobs keep them busy on a regular basis? Don’t most people have a pretty much so established list of tasks that they have to go through that fills their day? Is THIS why the economy sucks?? *sighs*

Well… I need to start getting ready for my performance management meeting next week. Maybe I have done more than I think/feel like I have done.

Stay Jazzed.

So many Choices....

*siiiggghhhs* *Grrrrrr*

It’s really sad. Now that I KNOW that I am going to be getting a car, and that I only have a couple of months to wait, the wait is gonna drive me BONKERS. I was perfectly fine not having a car until the point came that I realized that I was gonna get a car… now not having a car is driving me crazy. Yes… I’m odd.

Anyhow… did apartment shopping this weekend/this morning. Blagh. Just loads and loads of BLAGHHHH on them all. What is up with this nasty nasty tan carpet?? I mean really…could you pick anymore of a blagh color?? And as my furniture simply does NOT match that nasty mess, it’s gonna be fun. I already know what kind of apartment I want, it’s just a matter of finding it. What do I want? Simple: A 2 bedroom apt, with hardwood floors, big windows, and over 1100 sq ft. All for under 700.00. That isn’t asking too much, now is it? No NO and NOOOO once again. *deep breath* I think part of my frustration comes from having suffered through a couple of complexes. *shakes head* I don’t think that I will be living in one of those… nuh-uh. Too many people all squished up on top of each other. Now while it may seem that living in an apartment building is just as squishy… at least you don’t have to SEE all those other people.

*sighs* Anyhow… I have an appointment to go look at some nicer apts. on Friday (that might fit my criteria) and I’m supposed to be looking at some places on Saturday too. Wish me luck.

I realized that one of my problems is that I am overwhelmed by the variety of options I have. When I was in Atlanta, I was severely limited by the price of the place. When I first moved here, I was limited by the fact that I didn’t have a car…now I really have neither of those limits… and it feels like I have an infinite number of choices. *sighs*

I was so pooped and in such an ugly mood when I got done with the apartments that I didn’t even bother going to look at the car. That would have just irritated me even more. Then, when I came home Cheffy was being…odd… so that was most certainly no better. *sighs* I mean really.. what possesses men sometimes??

I realized that I have never had anyone over to my house. I have never like, cooked dinner for anyone and just kicked back and sipped on wine and chilled. And I have lived here for almost a year! *sighs*

AND…. just to make it all better… it’s MONDAY!

At least I get paid this week.

Stay Jazzed.

That siren story...

last night, shortly before I was going to go to bed, the phrase “ you can’t do that” shimmied through my head. I’m not sure who I was talking to, or thinking of, but it stuck. The intonation of it is what made it more memorable, the simple astonishment that ‘you’ would even try it. How dare ‘you’??

*shrugs* I don’t know what’s going on in my head some days. Lately I have been having the most vivid dreams, so I actually don’t know what’s been going on in my head some nights too.

I posted some online ads for friends. Is that like totally pathetic or what? I look at it this way… most of the friends that I made before… I made online. But I don’t have time to sit around and chat for 5 – 6 hours at a time. So I put out and ad, and hopefully I’ll get some sane hits. If not…I’ll try something else.

I realized that I tend to get really really really maudlin when I’m tired. And I am SOOO tired right now. I’m leaving work half an hour early, and I am going to go home and crawl under the bed…after giving Giovanni his 15 minutes of loving.

Hmmm…. 15 minutes left. Hm. 7 really cuz I wanna take the laptop home. Well. I guess I need to post and begone.

Stay Jazzed…and have a good weekend.

I get....

I’m not single.
I’m not a mother.
I’m not in college.
I’m not all the way grown up.
I’m at a way weirder in-between stage that any I have ever experienced.
There are web sites for college people.
There are web sites for single people.
There are web sites for mothers.
The are web sites for all the way grown up people.
There aren’t any web sites for me…at this odd, weird, in-between stage in my life.
And we all know that if it ain’t on the web…well… it’s gonna be tough.

I’m not a swinging single…and I’m not a happily married.
I’m in between.
I’m not a college student…but most of my friends are still in college.
I’m in between
I’m not a mother…but I suffer from severe attacks of baby fever.
I’m in between.

I really feel… left out. Unnoticed. A non-existent demographic. But I KNOW there are people like me everywhere. Where do you gather? Where do you hang out and have intelligent, not alcohol or religiously fueled fun? For cheap? Where do you meet each other and form new friendships? To form new bonds to replace and supplement those that are growing thin due to time and distance and change?

*sighs* And if one more person tells me to take a class I’m gonna SCREAM. I don’t really like school…okay!?!?!

*grrrrrrrrrr*

And thus concludes my weekly bitch&moan session.

*sighs*


Stay Jazzed.

Cool Riddle

Hmmm... this is a fun riddle that quierodiado (I KNOW I messed up her name) dug up.... It's alot of fun, and a great logic exerciser...

This is a quiz written by Albert Einstein. He said that 98% of the people in the world would not be able to solve this quiz. Are you among the 2% (Mensa's admission credentials)
FACTS
1. There are 5 houses in different colors.
2. In each house lives a person with different nationality.
3. These 5 owners eats a certain dish, drinks a certain beverage and keeps a certain pet.
4. No owners have the same pet, eats the same dish or drinks the same drink.
HINTS:
1. The British lives in a red house.
2. The Swede keeps a dog.
3. The Dane drinks tea.
4. The green house is on the left of the white house.
5. The green house owner drinks coffee.
6. The owner who eats pork chops rears birds.
7. The owner of the yellow house eats fish and chips.
8. The man living in the middle house drinks milk.
9. The Norwegian lives in the first house.
10. The man who eats beefsteak lives next to the man who eats fish and chips.
11. The man who keeps horses lives next to the one who keeps cats.
12. The man who eats grilled chicken drinks beer.
13. The German eats lamb chops.
14. The Norwegian lives next to the blue house.
15. The man who eats beefsteak has a neighbor who drinks water.
THE QUESTION IS:
WHO KEEPS FISH?


Note: If you look for the answer on the web, the original riddle was house, drink, CIGAR, nationality and pet. :) Ask me for the answer and I will drop it in your notes.

A tale of two Periods

“That Girl” started this…so here is the story of MY first time….

My period story is short and simple really… nothing to exciting happened to me….

I was thirteen, living in Boston, just me and my mom. I woke up late one night to go to the bathroom, pulled down my draws, and freaked out. *laughs* I’m still not sure WHY I freaked, considering I knew quite well what was going on, but I think that I didn’t expect it to be quite so…bloody. I went and woke my mother up in tears, confessing that I was scared because I was bleeding. We went into the bathroom, she took one look, and said ‘ Girl, that is your menses’ (my mom being a nurse was a real stickler for using the right words….) I put on one of those nasty nasty pads (diapers anyone???) and went back to sleep.

I suffered through wearing those diapers for almost 3 years, until my mother lightened up one the whole ‘Muslim women have to let the blood flow OUT of them thing’ and finally got my first pack of tampons. I’m proud to say that I have managed to convert her too… though it took almost ten years to do it.

My most traumatic periodic incident wasn’t even my own. During the pre-freshman program that I went to, I lived in an all girls dorm. I had left the room with some friends, and walked back in to see my roommate showing one of her friends how to insert a tampon. Mind you to me it was rather easy – open. push – pull – you’re done. However for her and her friend it turned into a 20 minute examination and repeat insertion process…. it was one of the oddest things I had ever seen.

Dancing

Oh yeah!! How could I possibly forget??? I’m doing the funky chicken dance because Student loans rates are going down…. *dances madly* funky funky chicken…..

Haven’t heard THAT good news?? Well here it is…. Loans taken out in the parents name are dropping to 6.79 percents…. loans taken out by the student themselves are dropping to 5.99. This goes into effect July 1st. *funky funky chicken* That means that there is an even BETTER chance that I will be ableto pay off alllll these damn loans by the middle of next year. WHOOOO HOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

*grins* I have been whho-hoo’ing a lot lately haven’t I? Good money news is always good news…

Stay Jazzed.

Gather 'round...

Well.. since No Mermaid asked, and I’m not sure if I ever really recorded the sad tale of how I managed to be almost grown and still not driving… here goes the tale:

When my mother and step father got divorced for the last time (in 1990) me & my mom moved in with my grandma. As our finances were rather tight, my mother used my grandmothers car to get to work and so forth. In addition, I was not allowed (on the pain of death & higher insurance payments) to touch the car. Well and good, because my high school offered driving classes to any student over the age of 16. My birthday is in January, so after Christmas break I planned on taking driving courses…however, over Christmas break, the school board met and decided to stop offering driving courses as it cost too much. Another plan down the drain. None of my friends/boyfriends had a car, and as we lived about 20 minutes from Philly, public transportation was great, and therefore there was really no pressing reason for me to get a car…thus no real pressing reason for me to get a license. My mother got her own car…the summer before I started college. Why didn’t I learn over that summer? Because I was in Atlanta in a pre-freshman program…. *sighs* I think she did that on purpose….
Graduation from high school came and went, and I went to college in Atlanta. Not only was it a warm city, it was a city that had pretty good public transportation as well… at least to everywhere that I wanted to go. So…for another 5 years, I put off getting a license…and as I knew that even if I had a license I wouldn’t be able to get my hands on a car (much less a car to take the driving test WITH) there was still no hurry. I had a state ID… I could get everywhere I wanted to go… why bother?
Then… I moved to Indy. A cold place, with public transportation that.. to put it bluntly… SUCKS!!!! But… I didn’t think that I would be able to swing car payments… at least not starting off. But now, another winter is approaching, and my lease to my expensive ass apartment is about to end… so I’m getting a license and a car…. all before September 1st hopefully….

And THAT is the tale of this 24 year old non-driver….

Stay Jazzed….

*GRINS*

WHOOO HOOOO!!! I got my learners Permit. :) Such a feeling of success and stuff. And I take such CUTE ID pictures….

Well..yeah… that’s about it for now. I’m about to use my vaunted analytical skills on the apartment listing I have and figure out who I want to go with….

Stay Jazzedddddd

ZOOM Zoom zoom

To put it bluntly, this is a crazy crazy world we live in. I just got a pre-approved loan for 20,000 for a new car. Can you believe it?? This is one of the great advantages of living in a credit based society… and being a member of a credit union. And the scary part is that it was so easy. I applied online, *thinks* YESTERDAY!! And today I could walk into almost any dealership, slap down my pretty letter, and say “ I want that car there”. Of course, I wouldn’t be able to drive it anywhere… but still. *sighs* Now all I have to do is figure out how to get the car to my house, and get a parking spot for it. It can sit there until I get my license. *LOL* Lord have mercy…wait till I tell my mother. *laughs*
Based on my analysis, the cars I can get my hands on for a reasonable amount of money (under 18,000 leaving myself plenty of tag, title and…hmm tax space). Hmmm okay, tax on cars is only 5%, so that would leave me with a 18,900 car payment…but none of the cars I am aiming for cost over 18,000. I have the following choices… and I think I might get a new one… *shrugs* If I can afford it and get the warranty and the comfort of knowing it’s new… I’ll do my own crying the first time I ding it. Anyhow… the cars are: (drum roll please!!!)

Honda Civic EX
Mazda Protege LX
Toyota Corolla
Volkswagen Golf GLS


Personally… I’m fighting tooth and nail against getting a Civic or a Corolla. If I SEE another one of those things on the road I’m gonna holler. Sooooo…..That leaves me with the Protégé and the Golf. As I don’t really want a hatchback, that leaves me with the Protégé, with I like anyhow. :) And I can get all the goodies that I want for under 17,000. WHOOO-hoooOO!!! I’m talking sunroof, CD player, pretty colors, cool wheels, maybe some fog lights, and a grand grand grand full coverage. *sighs* Who could ask for more? And I get to go around softly chanting “zoom zoom zoom”. And with the credit union prices, I will most liekly be only paying about 360.00 a month. Not too shabby... and with a car I can get a second job. :) zoom zoom zoom...

Ummm… nothing much else going on in my life. I am going to be leaving around 2 to go to the doctors and get checked (again) for nasty cells, as well as get a years worth (I think) of birth control pills. I am going to talk to the doctor about the whole suspending my period thing. I think that one period every three or four months would be okay. Only having one hideous PMS-y mood swing every couple of months would be lovely too.

I love my kitty. I need to take some new pictures of him cuz he is growing up so freaking FAST!! He almost looks like a cat now rather than a kitten. True, a very small cat, but a cat all the same. He doesn’t have the super sweet cute look any more. *sighs* There is one odd thing that he does though…when I am rubbing him and he reallllly get into it, not only does he do the whole kneading thing, he also likes to suck on a corner of the blanket (as I am almost ALWAYS under a blanket). It’s kinda cute, but scary at the same time… I guess it is rather like a kid sucking their thumb. *grins* I hope he doesn’t end up with bad teeth.

Stay Jazzed….

zoomzoomzoom……

Decision Made

Okay. I have decided. I am moving moving moving. And I’mma get a used car. All hopefully before my lease expires in August. :) Yeah. What finally pushed me into a decision?? While I was sick on my ass all weekend, I went browsing through an apt guide Cheffy had left at my house. I saw some pretty good looking stuff, and figured, what the hell… I’ll look into it more online at work (as I have cancelled my AOL). Got to work, and between trying to narrow down which car I want to get, I started online surfing for pads. As I had already set up a side by side comparison spread sheet for the cars, I figured I would do the same thing for the apartments. Yes… today was a slllooooww day at work. Anyhow, after doing all that, I put a formula in for the price per square foot of each apartment. The most expensive apartment according to my formula’s panned out at about 79 cents a sq. foot. MY apartment completely broke the mold at 94 cents per sq foot. Okay. I gotta move!

As far as the car thing… I am trying to figure out how I am going to get my hands on a car so that I can take my driving test. I figure that I will most likely sign up for the driving lessons. I mean really, if I can manage to find the money to go on a week long trip, I can scrape up a couple hunnerd dollars to be able to get a license. *rolls eyes* I guess it is just the thought of paying someone to teach me what I KNOW I can teach myself. *sighs* Currently I’m racking up prices, consumer report opinions, and message board ideas about a couple of different cars. On my way home I’m going to grab a couple of used car magazines and see what they have as far as used cars, and see how that fits in with my idea of what I can spend.

*nods* Okay…. I am going to go to the licensing place after I come from my doctor’s appt. tommorow and take the permit test…then when I get paid I am going to sign up for some driving lessons. Urgh. Lot’s of cab fares… but that’s okay. *nods* I’mma make it.

Grrrr…okay I’m still vaguely sick, and so I think that I will be going home a little early..maybe…as soon as I finish getting these car prices. Besides…I’m starting to have flashes. *shivers*

Stay Jazzed.

Short & Sweet

Well…. I’m back. I had loads upon loads of fun during the trip, and I had no CLUE that I missed my buddies so danngone much. *sighs* But anyhow, I’m back here now…at work *gags* and tired as all get out. I finally got some jewelry (at TJMaxx of all places) and went out to eat with my mommy.

Like I said I’m tired as all get out, and I think I am getting sick as my throat is feeling odd…so I really don’t feel like writing. I managed to read just about everybody’s diary except for those mad women who write like twelve entries a day…and I left a few notes. Ugh. I’m so glad it is Friday.

Stay Jazzed,

Even in my dreams....

Once again, a crazy ass dream….

There was a group of us, women who lived together in a castle type place, and each of us had a pet/familiar of some type. My pet… I think it was a bird/cat mix…like a baby griffin. I had to create a safe haven for it, because it was rather skilled at escaping form almost any kind of structure, and it was still too young to have a good sense of what was dangerous and what was not. So I created a sanctuary to protect it while I was waiting for the birth of my baby sister…who was being born to a woman who was actually younger than me…so perhaps our relationship was going to be more of a sisterly one than one of mother and daughter. Anyhow, I got to the hospital just in time to witness her birth. Her mother didn’t want the baby… and somehow I had been picked to be her guardian. After the baby was born and cleaned some, she was handed to me, and I broke down sobbing from an odd mix of joy and jealously and amazement at how absolutely gorgeous this child was.
Then they took the baby to the nursery, and I met a few of the women that I lived with. We wanted to go to the nursery to see her, and on our way there we stopped to get something to eat. As we were carrying our food out, I saw the baby’s mother lying on the ground, shivering with cold. I’m not sure if it was forbidden to help her, or what, but all I did was cover her with a blanket that came from nowhere, and then I went on to look at my baby sister…and that’s all I can remember. I know that there was actually a good bit more to the dream than that… but that was the part that stuck to me the strongest.

I haven’t had a really strong emotional dream in a good while. After I woke up and started thinking about it, I found it interesting that I had an emotional dream relating to babies after so long of a period of not having them at all…and the last few that I have had have been mostly violent emotions. * shrugs* I don’t know what it is with me and the whole baby longing thing…but in talking to a sister my age while I was here, she said that the urge hits her too sometimes. Is that just a mid twenties thing?? Suddenly the urge to have a child pops up scarily frequently? I figure it is a sly attack on our minds by our bodies, which knows quite well that this is just about the best time for us to have kids. *shrugs * I’m assuming this only happens to women who really want kids…at least I hope so.
Maybe I need to have a bit of a chat with my mother hmmm?

Stay Jazzed.